Original subtitles

Maggie, what is that you're wearing?

I can't let you leave the house in that short little top.

- Mr. Sheffield's not here. - It's gorgeous.

Don't make a stain. I want to borrow.

-Where is he? -Oh, he's speaking at Brighton's career day.

I suppose they'll ask me to speak when they have

"Don't let this happen to you," day.

Aw.

Hello, everyone.

- Oh, so how'd it go? - Oh, it was smashing.

I reenacted the history of musical theater,

from its operatic beginnings

right through bring in da noise, bring in da punk.

Oh, that must have brought down da house.

So did your old man deliver or what, hey?

Oh, look, I've got that CD you wanted.

There you go, Pearl Bailey.

Pearl Bailey, cool.

Hey, now I can exchange it for Pearl Jam.

I don't understand him, Miss Fine.

Brighton used to worship me.

When?

Oh, Mr. Sheffield,

the boy's just going through a phase.

I remember myself there was a time

when I didn't even want to speak to my mother.

[PHONE RINGING]

Then eventually you outgrow it.

Ms. Fine, it's your mother on the phone.

Tell her I'm not here.

Hello. Hello.

C.C., how did Jay Leno like our opening number?

Loved it. We are this close

to booking it on The Tonight Show.

We had an instant rapport.

He had his dog Harley with him and I had this little fellow.

The hat?

Oh, my God. Do you know what this means?

If this isn't my dog,

I could have left this valuable hat in the cab.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Was this supposed to be a tip?

Why did you come back?

Four martinis, and she'd be

walking that hat all over New York.

Now here's the deal: Leno's hotel doesn't accept dogs

and he refuses to board.

I don't know why, Chester loves the kennel.

When I come to take him home,

he just hangs onto the little bars for dear life.

C.C., you're not telling me

you've offered to take care of Jay Leno's dog?

It's bad enough having your dog here, always begging to go out,

jumping into my lap,

rubbing up against me all the time.

Shh!

Does everybody need to know our business?

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

♪♪ She was working in a bridal shop in Flushing, Queens ♪♪

♪♪ 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out ♪♪

♪♪ in one of those crushing scenes ♪♪

♪♪ What was she to do? Where was she to go? ♪♪

♪♪ She was out on her fanny ♪♪

♪♪ So over the bridge from Flushing to the Sheffield's door ♪♪

♪♪ She was there to sell makeup, but the father saw more ♪♪

♪♪ She had style! She had flair! She was there! ♪♪

♪♪ That's how she became the nanny! ♪♪

♪♪ Who would have guessed that the girl we've described ♪♪

♪♪ was just exactly what the doctor prescribed? ♪♪

♪♪ Now the father finds her beguiling ♪♪

♪♪ Watch out, C.C.! ♪♪

♪♪ And the kids are actually smiling ♪♪

♪♪ Such joie de vivre! ♪♪

♪♪ She's the lady in red ♪♪

♪♪ when everybody else is wearing tan ♪♪

♪♪ The flashy girl from Flushing ♪♪

♪♪ The nanny named Fran! ♪♪

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh, Ms. Fine, I do appreciate

you taking care of Jay Leno's dog,

what with your busy schedule and all.

You know, I don't appreciate you taking a potshot at me.

I mean, I work very hard around here.

- I was being serious. - You're kidding?

- Daddy? - Not now, honey, we're busy.

- But, Daddy-- - Sweetheart, we're working.

- They're working, Mr. Leno. - Oh, no. Oh, not Jay.

Oh, so sorry.

- Jay, please, do come in. - Hi, how are you?

I had no idea you were already here.

Oh, that's okay.

Where's Niles?

He taped letterman last night--

No, yeah, thank you. Thank you very much.

Oh, Mr. Jay Leno, I'm Fran Fine.

Nice to see you.

Well, I can't tell you

how many times I've gone to bed with you.

You know, I used to get around a lot.

And you don't remember a lot of people...

- No, not to bed like that. - Oh, I'm sorry.

Although I must admit,

I have fallen asleep before you were done.

As long as you don't fake a laugh. That's really....

The guys hate that.

[FAKE LAUGHTER]

- Jay. - Yeah?

- Please, why don't you sit down? - Thank you.

I can't tell you how thrilled I am to have you here.

You I'm still not sure about.

Hey, listen, thanks for taking care of my dog.

Oh, no problem. You know, my mom had one just like that.

Lived in the wall.

Mr. Leno, would you mind

autographing your book for me?

I can't tell you how classy it is

that you don't go hawking it like other celebrities.

Oh, yeah. I hate that.

Meanwhile, have you read this one? It is a riot.

Plus it just came out on audiocassette.

I can't believe they put this voice on audio.

You know, some people find it soothing.

Look, it's just like Lady and the Tramp.

Only Tramp had the taste

not to lick himself in front of Lady.

He reminds me of my dog, Al.

I couldn't stand to have him sleep on the bed

with his stupid pug face,

always drooling,

and the gas that emanated from that animal.

Yetta, that was grandpa.

- Oh, Ms. Fine, here's your mail. - Oh, thank you.

Oh, my God, the IRS. What do they want from me?

Oh, a tax audit. Oh, why are they picking on me?

Could it be because you declared an adopted foreign child

named Haagen-Dazs?

Listen, I have spent a lot of quality time

with that little bundle of joy.

Mama loves you, baby.

- So, what are you going to do? - I don't know.

I wonder if my accountant knows about this.

Do you know about this?

So, Brighton,

you ready to teach me how to roller blade?

Oh, you know that girl you like?

I thought we maybe could cruise by her house.

Oh, great, and on the way we can stop by the duck pond

so I can drown myself.

Alright, actually, Dad, you know what, I'd love to,

but I already have some plans with friends.

- Yeah. - Who?

Ah...

Weren't you gonna get burgers at Arnold's

- with Ralph and Potsey? - Right, right.

Oh, well, maybe I could join you at Arnold's.

- Well, maybe some other time. - Yeah. Sorry.

- Who's Potsey? - Oh, shut up.

Ingrate. I hated to do that to him.

What's the big deal?

He just wants to spend a little time with his son.

Fran, we have nothing in common. We're not even from the same country.

[HARRY NILSSON'S "BEST FRIEND" PLAYING]

♪♪ People, let me tell you 'bout my best friend ♪♪

♪♪ He's a warm-hearted person ♪♪

♪♪ Who'll love me till the end... ♪♪

Stay back, stay back. I'm done. I'm totally done.

♪♪ One boy cuddly toy ♪♪

♪♪ My up, my down, my pride and joy ♪♪

♪♪ People, let me tell you... ♪♪

[MAN SINGING OPERA]

[HARRY NILSSON'S "BEST FRIEND" PLAYING] ♪♪ Best friend ♪♪

♪♪ Da-da-da-da-da da-da da-da-da-da-da da-da ♪♪

♪♪ Da-da-da-da-da da-da ♪♪

♪♪ Rubbie de boopie, boop, boop, bang ♪♪

♪♪ Rubbie de boopie, boop, bang, bang ♪♪

♪♪ Rubbie de boopie, boop, bang, bang... ♪♪

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[TOILET FLUSHES]

What is this unnatural obsession Maxwell has with his children?

I can count the number of days I spent with my father on one hand.

Seven?

- You know, that's funny. - Oh, thank you very much.

No. I mean the fact that I'm really rich

and you're cleaning toilets in a suit, tie,

and rubber gloves.

Well, you got me that time.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

- Yes? - Hi.

I'm here to audit Ms. Fran Fine.

Ms. Fine, the IRS man is here.

Is that today?

- Hi, I'm Fran. - Hi. Josh Bassin.

- How you been? - Oh.

You bought that dress for the audit, didn't you?

- Well... -I hope you don't try to write it off.

I'd like to introduce to you one of my dependents.

All right. I admit it.

I helped her with her taxes, but you know what?

I had a solar calculator and we did them in the shade.

Relax, kid. It would take

a flagrant violation of the tax code.

For me to actually put someone in jail.

- What's your name? - Potsey?

I don't know why people get so nervous when I audit them.

I just did Pearl Jam last week.

Oh, my God. You know Pearl Jam?

Potsey, you're blocking the view.

All right, so, you actually went to Eddie Vedder's house?

Well, by the time I'm finished with him,

it'll be Uncle Sam's house but...

[FRAN LAUGHS]

Good looking and a sense of humor.

I'll tell you if I wasn't married with six kids...

If you'll just excuse me,

I have to go feed my chinchillas.

What chinchillas?

The ones we breed at a considerable loss.

Schedule C, Item 15.

Brighton, I'm just off to a final call-back

to my play about Gertrude Stein.

It's between Maureen Stapleton and Sada Thompson.

It's gonna be a hot one. Care to come along?

Well, first of all, Dad, who?

This guy knows Pearl Jam.

Ms. Fine, are you sure this thing with my son

is just a phase?

I mean, he prefers to spend more time

with the tax man than with me.

Oh, well, first of all you're trying too hard.

I mean, nothing makes a person look more desperate

than trying so hard to win somebody over.

Hungry, Josh?

Now, listen, next time you go through the living room, limp.

You're my husband and you got a disability.

[♪♪♪]

What is this?

An annoying yapping dog...

holding a Chihuahua.

Oh, there's the doggy.

Nanny Fine, this mutt is your responsibility.

Well, I just put it down for a second,

and it was only 'cause Grace was gonna scald herself in the tub.

Oh, blah blah blah.

It's not like those children you take care of,

this is a valuable animal.

Meanwhile, I was looking all over for you.

Now, you're gonna go and play with Chester.

Boy, what amishpocheh

Good thing she's got a rich father.

Oh, Ms. Fine, here's another letter from your friend at the IRS.

Oh, wow,this must be a thank you for that gorgeous, midnight blue

double-breasted Armani blazer I gave him.

Oh, well, like you were ever gonna fit in that again.

Well, he liked the blazer but he wants something else.

- What? - An arm and a leg.

This is a $5,000 tax bill.

Fran, I think you better come see

what Chester and Jay Leno's dog are doing in the dining room.

Sweetie, just pick it up. How big can it be?

No, remember what we saw two lions doing

on the Discovery channel?

I don't suppose they're eating a zebra.

Chester, how'd you get your little shirt off?

You are going right upstairs, Mister and taking a cold shower.

And you, miss, you only know him a week.

What's your secret?

Oh, Niles, what am I gonna do? I don't have $5,000.

The government is gonna do to me what Chester just did to Harley.

- Oh, Mr. Sheffield, it's terrible. - Oh, what happened?

Mr. Mooney fired from the bank again?

[LAUGHS] Good looking and funny.

- How much do you owe? - Five thousand dollars.

Oh, calm down, Ms. Fine. We'll just file an appeal.

What kind of records have you kept?

Oh, I don't know.

A couple of Bee Gees,

Captain and Tennille, The White Album.

No. Tax records, Ms. Fine.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

SYLVIA:Don't take the box.

Don't take the box!

Schmuck!

Ma, when are you gonna stop torturing yourself by watching

that old tape of you and daddy onLet's Make a Deal?

You traded Paris for the ostrich.

It's never gonna change.

Meanwhile, it's the best stew we ever had.

TV:Now, Sylvia and Mort Fine,

let me tell you something you've won the trip to Paris:

it's the greatest thing that has happened on this show.

You can keep the trip to Paris

or you can trade

for what's in that big box on the floor.

- Box! - Box!

We'll take the box.

I can't watch this.

I am sick to my stomach.

Now, it's a good thing that I have a very organized filing system.

'95. '94. '93?

Oh, look at this, there's an old Rolo in here.

Look, it's all white. It's still good.

These receipts are a disaster.

I mean, how can this be possible?

You have 18 certified public accountants

on your father's side alone.

Well, we have 17 urologists,

but daddy still has three of something

that he's only supposed to have two of.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Now, listen, if we're found guilty is there any chance

I could do community service at a home for wayward girls?

Don't talk to him.

He comes into my home, drinks my champagne,

that expressly says "send to Lauren Bacall" and...

Oh, well, what are you looking at, mister?

You think that's supposed to scare me?

I'm going to the big house.

I was just doing my job.

Shame on you for using your sex appeal

to get out of paying your back taxes.

I most certainly did not.

And shame on you for acting like it was working.

It was.

When you get out of prison, would you like to have dinner?

No. Where?

Ms. Fine, don't waste your time with him.

He has nothing to do with it.

It's gonna be all up to the Appeals Officer.

I would like to start off by saying that I have never seen

such a total disregard for the tax laws.

Excuse me, sir, but is this gonna take long?

I have to get back to the theater.

- Who are you? - Maxwell Sheffield, I'm....

The Broadway producer.

[MAXWELL LAUGHS]

♪♪ A kiss on the hand may be quite continental ♪♪

♪♪ But diamonds are a girl's best friend ♪♪

I always wanted to be in show business.

Would you like to see another one?

Oh, did I mention that I'm the Appeals Officer?

- Oh! - Oh!

- Yeah. - Okay.

If you insist.

[ALL LAUGH]

George Burns.

Oh. Great.

You know, I got into heaven and I saw God.

And He wasn't feeling well.

He sneezed. I didn't know what to say.

[ALL CHEER AND LAUGH]

That's good.

All right. Let's get down to business.

Now, I have reviewed the case

and I agree with my colleague, Mr. Bassin,

that you look very fetching in that skirt.

Oh, thanks. You can go. You can go.

However, that does not have an impact

on my decision about your taxes.

Where you running? Where are you running?

Where do you think you're going?

Fran, this is inside of me.

Gee, I see here $86

for apricot facial scrub.

Yes.

Well, you see, as a professional care-giver,

Ms. Fine needs to glow and be dewy.

Why don't you just slap the cuffs on me now?

Relax. I've still got something up my sleeve.

Unless it's five grand tied to your forearm,

I ain't interested.

Max, you made me schlep all the way down here to pick up my dog.

Then your driver says, "The dog's already at my house."

Look, I'm not one for star treatment. Do you know who I am?

Jay Leno! Jay.

Hey, I watchThe Tonight Show all the time.

- Great. - Oh, watch, watch, watch.

Ah. It was so cold in Los Angeles this morning.

- And how cold was it? - How cold was it?

An exhibitionist came up to me on Wilshire Boulevard

and described himself to me.

MAXWELL AND FRAN: [FAKE LAUGHTER]

Don't quit the day job, all right?

Ever been audited?

You know, I heard something in your voice. You are very good.

You know, we haven't had an impressionist on the show in a long time.

-Really? -Yeah, why don't we have a cup of coffee?

- Let's talk about it a little more. - Oh, okay. Great.

Um. Case dismissed.

This is outrageous. You should have gone to jail.

Using show business connections to make fools of the government.

I hope you're proud of yourself, Sheffield.

Yeah, thank you. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am.

Go, Dad. Bad boy of Broadway. Okay.

So, you like your old man now, huh.

Listen, what do you say we take in a movie?

Oh, gee, Dad, I'd love to

but I'm going to the movies with Julie from my class.

Oh, well, I can join you.

- See you guys later. - Bye, sweetie.

Thank you, Miss Fine. Well, you know,

I cleared the whole afternoon for this and it's still early.

So I thought maybe you and I

could do something really sinful.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield. You are clairvoyant.

What do you say about a pizza with everything on it?

That's uncanny.

Ms. Fine, what do you know

about Jay Leno's dog getting pregnant?

That depends. Are you happy about it or angry?

He canceled my cast's appearance on his show.

Then I don't know anything about it.

Ms. Fine, that dog was in your care.

How could you let this happen?

Well, I tried to pull them apart as fast as I can,

but I guess I came too late and Chester too early.

Ms. Fine.

Well, this may come as a shock to you, Mister, but sometimes,

there is just no controlling animalistic passion.

Yes. Well, that's the difference between us and animals.

- Oh, yeah? - Oh, yeah.

- Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah? - Oh, yeah. Stop that!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]