Original subtitles

Now, you notice, Ms. Fine,

how-how voluptuous and fleshy this nude is?

The artist was obviously inspired by Rubens.

Yeah, well, if you ask me, she had one too many Rubens herself.

No, Ms. Fine, back then a full figure

was the standard for beauty.

Meanwhile, if it were today,

you'd see her sitting around the piano bar,

singing show tunes with her gay friends.

Oh, my God, it's my father.

Oh, well, you know, my Uncle Louie

started to develop breasts around 60.

What? No, no, no, no, Ms. Fine, my father is in the gallery.

- Oh. - I've got a few words to say

to that cold, manipulative son of a...

- Oh my God, he's coming out. Come on. Let's go, let's go. - No.

- Stop. - Hide me. Hide me.

No, I will not perpetuate this feud

between you and your father.

- First of all, it's completely-- - Just kiss me.

Okay.

Maxwell. Well, what a surprise.

Father, oh, good Lord, gracious me.

Ms. Fine, would you believe it?

My father was actually inside the gallery

that we were kissing in front of.

What a coincidence. Where are you gonna be tomorrow?

Who is this gorgeous woman

and what is she doing kissing you and not me?

James Sheffield, Maxwell's father.

Fran Fine, Maxwell's... Well, it depends on what day it is.

Come, son, give the old man a hug, huh.

Why? Don't you get enough hugs

from that secretary you abandoned your family for?

- Trollop. - What'd I do?

Maxwell, I never set out to hurt your mother.

She's a lovely woman. Shrew.

I'll take it from him but you, I just met.

Well, it's been wonderful seeing you, Father.

Why don't we do this again in, say, another 10 years?

Maxwell, so that's it? Walk away?

Put a dagger through your father's heart?

I could be dead in a year! Then you'll be sorry.

My God, you're Jewish?

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

♪♪ She was working in a bridal shop in Flushing, Queens ♪♪

♪♪ 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out ♪♪

♪♪ in one of those crushing scenes ♪♪

♪♪ What was she to do? Where was she to go? ♪♪

♪♪ She was out on her fanny ♪♪

♪♪ So over the bridge from Flushing to the Sheffield's door ♪♪

♪♪ She was there to sell makeup, but the father saw more ♪♪

♪♪ She had style! She had flair! She was there! ♪♪

♪♪ That's how she became the nanny! ♪♪

♪♪ Who would have guessed that the girl we've described ♪♪

♪♪ was just exactly what the doctor prescribed? ♪♪

♪♪ Now the father finds her beguiling ♪♪

♪♪ Watch out, C.C.! ♪♪

♪♪ And the kids are actually smiling ♪♪

♪♪ Such joie de vivre! ♪♪

♪♪ She's the lady in red ♪♪

♪♪ when everybody else is wearing tan ♪♪

♪♪ The flashy girl from Flushing ♪♪

♪♪ The nanny named Fran! ♪♪

[♪♪♪]

Just tell me, what is so wrong

with a 15-year-old guy wanting to take ballet lessons?

Nothing, sweetheart. It isn't you, is it?

Yes, it's me.

You already look like a boiled chicken in a tank top.

Now you want to wear tights?

Stop it. Look how mature your sister's being.

He goes to a different school. No one knows we're related.

What's wrong with you people?

Just leave your brother alone.

He only wants to express himself artistically.

- You looking to meet chicks? - Yeah.

Yeah. You know, Niles,

I think it's time that I marched myself

into Mr. Sheffield's office

and talk to him that his son wants to be a ballerina.

Mm. What horrible thing have you done

that won't seem so bad after you tell him this?

I invited his father to the house for dinner.

And you're gonna tell him now?

Ooh, just let me get to the intercom.

Talk to me, baby.

I can't believe she invited his father to dinner.

What did he say?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

He was livid.

He said this time she'd gone too far

and then he threatened to...

What? What? Fire her? Okay.

Fire her.

Ms. Fine, I cannot believe you invited my father.

Are you trying to kill me? 'Cause you're not in the will, you know.

You can't leave now. My mother's coming over.

She's gonna think we're having problems.

We are. You're about to be found floating

And I'm about to be pulled in for questioning.

Oh, this is fabulous.

"Relive the magic at home," 1995.

So much is going on. Oh, I'd love to stay for dinner.

But you're not invited.

Ms. Fine, you have absolutely no idea what you've got yourself into.

Last time my father and I dined together,

it almost came to blows.

Oh, you should see my family at Fung Lungs

when they say they're out of mu shu pork.

Pork, Ms. Fine?

Doesn't count when it's Chinese food.

Why don't you give your father a chance to make up for lost time

I'm sure you'll find you've got a lot in common.

No, unlike my father,

I am not about to abandon my responsibilities

for sexual gratification

with some cheap floozy who works for me.

Why?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

- Sir. - Niles!

Well, you don't look a day older than when you worked for me.

That was my father, sir.

Oh, in that case, you look like hell.

Maxwell,

I was thrilled to get your message at the hotel

asking me to come over here for a reconciliation.

It takes a big man to do that.

Actually, father, it takes a woman with big hair.

Why don't you give your father a break?

So he had an affair with a secretary 25 years ago.

You'll always be his son. Where is she today?

Here I am, darling.

- To die for. - To die for.

Oh, she is stunning and so tasteful.

Maxwell, darling.

Look at you.

I remember when you were a little boy

and you adored playing hide and seek.

You always wanted to hide underneath my skirt.

Or was that your father?

Ooh! Darling, not in front of the children.

- Please. - He used to love spying on us.

He and that chubby little chap who used to clean up after him.

Hey, it was an awkward stage.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I'll get it. I'll get it.

Oh, here they are, Naomi and Wynona.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Trust me, Dijon mustard comes right out.

Oh, look at that stain.

Doesn't it look just like Jill Eikenberry?

I spill a lot too. This used to be a solid.

Don't worry, darling.

I prefer it if James doesn't wear a tie at all.

It just takes me longer to undress him.

Darling, don't tell secrets out of the bedroom.

What bedroom? I'm talking about last night

in the elevator of the Equity Building.

[COUGHS]

Oh, could I tell you stories about this one.

Oh, boy, can I tell you stories about this one.

Sure I made them up but they'd knock your socks off.

You know, James, it's funny how you ended up with someone

from the other side of the river.

Like father like son.

Ma.

It's no insult. I'm proud of the fact

that my father worked on the tube for 30 years.

My father sat in front of the tube for 40.

Do you know, before I worked for James,

I almost got a job at Buckingham Palace

doing The Queen's hair?

Oh, I almost got a job in the Village

doing hair on Queens.

[ALL LAUGH]

Well, Maxwell, it's obvious

we are attracted to the same kind of woman.

You've inherited my gift for mixing business with pleasure.

Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you, father,

but I hired Ms. Fine solely

for her extensive experience in child care.

That's right. You had enough. Niles, take it away.

So, James, you obviously did well for yourself.

I mean, this isn't a cheap tie.

Although now, it's not worth anything.

I do all right, Sylvia. I make most of my money in investments.

In fact, I just got a hot tip guaranteed to triple your return

no commitment, short-term.

Oh, "No commitment? Short-term?"

Throw in some children, a dumped wife and you've got your life.

Isn't this delightful?

Where did you get the exquisite shrimp?

I came with her.

No, dear. I meant the crustacean.

Oh, she's my daughter.

Jolly good. Well, where were we?

Oh, yes, Maxwell was calling me a tramp.

No offense, Joan.

But, father, I cannot imagine what possessed you

to bring this woman into my home.

My poor mother sitting alone like a dog.

I thought you hated your mother?

Well, I like her now.

Anyone seeBabe?

How did they get that pig to learn all those lines?

Why don't you just cut your father some slack?

I mean, he obviously just wants

to live his life hassle free without any commitments.

Not unlike you.

Let it go. The man's entitled to a girlfriend.

Not if his wife has anything to say about it.

- You're married? - Mm.

Isn't that delightful.

Well, we'd been playing cat and mouse so long

I decided to make an honest woman out of her.

Well, I was wrong. You and your father are completely different.

And I like him better.

So, Maxwell, how about a toast to me and my new wife?

A wife?

I think gold digger is a more appropriate description.

How dare you speak to your mother like that?

Stepmother, darling. "Youthful stepmother".

Do you think after all this, anyone would be in the mood

for their little red potatoes?

What am I nuts?

A pig can't learn lines.

He must have used cue cards.

NILES: So, then Mr. Sheffield accused her of being a gold digger.

Which Mr. Sheffield?

The young one.

Oh, we'll pick this up later in the kitchen.

Bring a pair of alligator Gucci's,

nine-and-a-half D.

Oh, Niles, I should have never planned that dinner party.

It just stirred up all kinds of feelings

of anguish and resentment.

In you, when you found

that a Sheffield would marry an employee?

Yeah.

Oh, Fran, I gotta dump this ballet class.

It's full of muscular good-looking guys

who are obviously there to meet chicks too.

Not necessarily.

Honey, why don't you just quit?

Fran, I can't. I'm the lightest one.

They already made me head swan.

Well, then what are you worried about, being labeled?

Listen, there are a lot of very masculine ballet dancers.

Baryshnikov...

Alright, you know what you'll tell your father you joined the ballet class.

- He'll pull you out in two seconds. - Oh, thank you, Fran.

And not a moment too soon.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I'll get it.

Oh, Fran, I hope you don't mind but I just had to talk to you.

- Love the outfit. - Love the outfit.

I feel so terrible about what happened the other night at dinner.

You know, James pretends not to care what Maxwell thinks,

but it's one thing that keeps him up at night.

I'm the other.

Oh, I think it's just so awful

when a father and son are at odds.

- Yes. - I wish I could be there

to comfort Mr. Sheffield when he's up all night.

Do me a world of good.

You know, I never believed that Maxwell would grow up

to be as judgmental and narrow-minded

as the rest of James' family.

They actually felt that I wasn't of his class.

That is such bull.

Do you know it took 10 years

for James to finally make his move?

Ten years?

When he finally made his move, the only reason he did was

that I went into his office to change his typewriter ribbon

wearing a sexy little midriff top

and a very, very short mini-skirt.

I can't dress like that.

You know, I take care of children.

I'll never forget how he took me in his arms,

gazed into my eyes, and told me that he loved me.

And then he took it back?

No. Then he proved it, six times.

I hate my life.

First, he dimmed the lights.

Then he grabbed me and brought my body close to his.

And then with one sweep of his arm

he cleared the desk of everything

and then he....

Oh, do you have any ice?

Oh. Yeah, here.

[LAUGHS]

What? What?

That was the first time that I ever nibbled on James' ear.

It drove him absolutely crazy and then I...

Oh, I can't do that.

- I'm Jewish. - Oh, no.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh, Mr. Sheffield.

It's time to change your ribbon. Where's your typewriter?

It's in the attic with my Peter Max posters.

- See, you. - Oh, Ms. Fine, wait.

Yes?

I've had an epiphany.

Already? Just from doing this?

I've always resented my father

for his total lack of concern

for anyone's feelings but his own.

He's always lived solely for his own pleasure.

But maybe that ain't so bad, huh?

I mean, maybe he's got the right idea.

I mean, I am a man. I have needs too, right?

Yeah, good. 'Cause I can use a couple of multiple epiphanies myself.

I got a problem.

Alright, honey, solve it yourself. It builds character.

No, no. Okay, Dad, here it is: I'm in a ballet class

and I don't care what you say, I love it, and I'm staying in.

Son, do whatever makes you happy.

Even if you call the school and demand they take me out of the class

- I'm not leaving. - I want you to do it.

Would you let me live my own life?

For the love of God, I'm a ballerina.

Oh, I'll tell you, he is so lucky

that he's got people that love and support him. Oh!

Come here. Look how baggy his butt looks in those tights.

[BOTH LAUGH]

So, you were saying you're a man, you got needs?

Well, maybe I should just

face the fact that my father fell in love with his secretary.

And your sister fell in love with her chauffeur.

And my grandfather married his maid.

No sense breaking tradition.

None that I can see.

- Wait. Something is missing. - What? What?

Oh, I know.

[CLEARS THE TABLE]

[KNOCKING]

What are you doing here?

I'm picturing myself in Ms. Babcock's BMW.

Well, we're off to Saint Tropez.

We just came to say good...

Hello.

- Well... - Oh!

Honey, you've got a post-it on your bum.

Oh.

Father, I'm glad you stopped by.

I think I owe you an apology.

Well, you know you don't want to keep them waiting.

I mean, there's a big time difference were you going, you're probably late already.

Just a moment, Miss Fine, I have something I need to say to my father.

All righty, then.

Father, I believe I was wrong about you.

That was beautiful. Enjoy your trip.

We're wiped out.

We lost $25,000 on that investment of yours.

Well, you win some, you lose some.

Thank God that's all you invested.

That was our entire life savings.

Oh, stop it.

You said it was guaranteed triple our money.

Ma, ma, nobody forced you. You can't point fingers.

That was the money that we were gonna move to Boca with.

You are a dead man.

Father, how could you be so cavalier?

These people are living on a fixed income.

I feel faint. I need something.

I'll get you some water.

No, steak. I need protein.

Now, darling, I think we should dash off

if we're going to make it to Constantine's yacht.

God, you are so incredibly insensitive.

Well, how can you say I'm insensitive

when you're the one that's making me late for cocktails?

What was I thinking?

I was actually trying to be more like you.

Well, now I remember how much pain

your selfishness causes other people.

I'm sorry, Ms. Fine. I'm sorry for what almost happened here.

Well, that's bloody over with now.

Oh, all righty, then.

Hope you realize that our Christmas get-together

at my chalet in Tuscany is off.

You think I'd actually want to spend my holidays

in the Italian countryside, gorging on rich food,

partying with European glitterati?

Well, I wouldn't.

And I wouldn't dream of subjecting my family to it, either.

Why?

- Come on, Joan. - Just a minute.

Darling, I know what you're thinking,

but there's a part of James that is good.

Not as good as it was 20 years ago,

but it does the job.

And by the way, darling,

I think Junior that may still come around,

but I'd lay off the chocolates if you were you.

Oh, Ms. Fine, I feel awful about your parents

not being able to move to Boca.

You feel awful?

Is there anything I could give them

to help smooth things over?

Grandchildren?

Maybe I should just reimburse them for the money they lost?

Absolutely not.

They're way too proud. They would never take it.

They'll just talk about it constantly,

nag you incessantly,

and never let it die until you do.

Oh, don't look now,

but your father's in that gallery again.

- Quick. He's coming out. - Come here.

Ms. Fine, that is not my father.

Oh, my mistake.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]