Original subtitles

Oh, I can't believe we're here to see

the Rosie O'Donnell Show.

After his incredibly memorable performance

in the hit film Four Weddings and a Funeral,

our first guest has gone on to become

one of today's hottest movie stars.

His new movie,Extreme Measures, opens next Friday.

Please say hello to Hugh Grant.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING; BAND PLAYING INTRO FLOURISH]

HUGH: Hey, what's up?

-HUGH: Thank you. -ROSIE: Hello.

-HUGH: Hi. -ROSIE: How are you?

You shot it here in New York?

We shot most of it here in New York.

Yeah, that's an experience. I mean, it's a nice experience.

Don't get me wrong, but just, it took some adjustment.

I'm used to English film sets

where everyone's very very nice to you all the time.

"Hello love, can I get you anything?

A cup of tea, doughnut?" That kind of stuff.

-Right. -And, here, I find myself

getting cups of tea and doughnuts for the drivers.

[ALL LAUGH]

Oh, is he to die for or what?

Oh, that thick head of hair and that adorable English accent.

Me stuck in the house all day.

Where am I ever gonna meet a guy like that?

[AUDIENCE CHEERING; BAND PLAYING INTRO FLOURISH]

All right. We're back.

Thanks. I'm on TV, huh, buddy.

Stifle.

That's my lovely assistant telling me

my son will not go down for his nap.

Put on C-SPAN, those senators put each other to sleep.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

That's pretty funny. Who said that?

Try that, try that.

-Stand up. -Oh, look, I'm on the monitor.

Oh, good, the camera puts 10 pounds on the hair too.

-ROSIE: Hey. -FRAN: Hi.

ROSIE: Hi. How are you?

-I'm good. Thank you. -What's your name?

-Fran Fine. Fran Fine, Miss Rosie O'Donnell. -[CHUCKLES SARCASTICALLY]

You know, it's two for one on Saturday at Pathmark.

I like glossy, but if you like a matte finish--

Listen, I'm not Sally Jessy. I can't pretend I care, okay?

-Oh, okay. -All right.

How many kids you got, Fran?

Kids? No. I mean, all the whining and the diapers

and the schlepping, please.

Oh, yeah? What do you do for a living?

-I'm a nanny. -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

So you're--

Let's see what this is. Emergency.

Hey, Fran, your trick worked.

Two minutes with C-SPAN, my son's out like a light.

Of course, watching all those senators,

he now has a hooker in the crib with him.

That's funny.

You're funny. I like your laugh. Listen, now why don't you meet me

in my dressing room after the show, we could talk?

Oh, my God. This is incredible.

I swear I have dreamed of this exact moment

only my outfit was tighter, my hair was bigger

-and you were Streisand but... -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Yeah now what we think. Fran Fine, ladies and gentlemen.

We'll be back with Chaka Khan right after this.

[THEME SONG PLAYING]

♪♪ She was working in a bridal shop in Flushing, Queens ♪♪

♪♪ 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out ♪♪

♪♪ In one of those crushing scenes ♪♪

♪♪ What was she to do? Where was she to go? ♪♪

♪♪ She was out on her fanny ♪♪

♪♪ So over the bridge from Flushing to the Sheffield's door ♪♪

♪♪ She was there to sell makeup, but the father saw more ♪♪

♪♪ She had style! She had flair! ♪♪

♪♪ She was there! That's how she became the nanny! ♪♪

♪♪ Who would have guessed that the girl we've described ♪♪

♪♪ Was just exactly what the doctor prescribed? ♪♪

♪♪ Now the father finds her beguiling ♪♪

♪♪ Watch out, C.C.! ♪♪

♪♪ And the kids are actually smiling ♪♪

♪♪ Such♪♪

♪♪ She's the lady in red ♪♪

♪♪ When everybody else is wearing tan ♪♪

♪♪ The flashy girl from Flushing ♪♪

♪♪ The nanny named Fran! ♪♪

I can't believe we're in Rosie O'Donnell's dressing room.

I'm so nervous, I don't know what to do with myself.

You know, I'm doing what any real fan would do.

I'm going through her stuff.

Oh, wow, she really does shop at Kmart.

Hey, where's my favorite nanny?

Hey, how's the professor?

[BOTH LAUGH HYSTERICALLY]

You're going through my stuff, aren't you?

Me? Oh, uh...

No. No. This is hers. Here, honey.

She went through your stuff.

Oh, I'd like you to meet my best friend, Val.

Oh, I loved you in Misery.

When you broke James Caan's legs, I was screaming.

Yeah, thanks.

You know, I won an Oscar for that performance.

-[MOUTHING] I know. -This is Gracie,

one of the three beautiful children that I take care of.

Hi, Gracie.

You know, I care about them more than myself.

Yeah, where are the other two?

Oh, I swiped their tickets

so me and Val could get in.

Hey, Fran, I was talking to my producer outside.

What do you think about doing a weekly spot on the show?

You know, about childcare.

Oh, my God.

Me on the Rosie O'Donnell Show in front of millions of people?

What's your male demographic?

Hmm. You know, you're perfect for TV.

You're funny, you're beautiful,

and you obviously adore children.

Oh, you know, I am a nurturer by nature.

Fran, I have to go to the bathroom.

Nanny's busy, honey. Cross your legs.

Honey, let me be the one to tell your father

about the job on Rosie O'Donnell.

He doesn't understand how I can juggle

a million things and still stay on the ball.

[GASPS] Oh! Oh!

Oh, oh.

Your brother and sister didn't come with us today.

Fran, did you tell Val not to tell anyone?

Who is she gonna tell? I'm her only friend.

[ALL TOGETHER] Congratulations!

Val!

Oh, I'm sorry, but you are all going to have to leave.

This isn't my house.

He's not home.

Photo op.

Oh, I can't tell you how this job

on the Rosie Show makes me so happy--

♪♪ Birthday to you ♪♪

♪♪ Happy birthday to you ♪♪

It's all right, Miss Fine.

Niles told me all about it.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Why do you have to be such a yenta?

I am not a yenta. I'm just sucking up so he'll tell me

what the thing on the plane on the way back from Paris was.

Mr. Sheffield, you're not upset

that I'm gonna be working two jobs?

Two jobs? What's the other one?

Oh, here.

Yes.

Fran, you were born to be in front of the camera.

-It's in your genes. -FRAN: Oh...

You know, I was gonna be a model,

but you know what stopped me?

What's in your jeans?

-Mr. Sheffield. -Hmm.

You know you're certainly being supportive.

Ah. Well, Miss Fine, that's what I meant

when I said we should be friends.

You mean when you took back the thing.

NILES: The definition of the thing.

Maxwell told Fran he loved her on the way back from Paris,

then took it back.

Miss Fine, friends should be supportive.

They don't dwell on the past.

Oh, yeah, they do.

I mean, you know, our people

might have enjoyed Hogan's Heroes,

but that doesn't mean that we're gonna go out

and drive a Mercedes.

All right. We may drive a Mercedes,

but it doesn't mean we're gonna fly Lufthansa.

Unless we have mileage.

Yes, yes, yes, all right. I get the point.

You are never gonna forgive me for taking back the thing.

-Well-- -What are you two doing airing your dirty laundry in public?

Let's go into the office where we can be more private.

Speak into the flowers.

[BAND PLAYING "THERE'S NO BUSINESS LIKE SHOW BUSINESS"]

Please welcome America's favorite nanny, Fran Fine.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUSE]

[APPLAUSE CONTINUES]

-FRAN: Oh, yeah. -ROSIE: All right.

Your first letter right now:

"Dear Fran, my son sits too close

"to our TV set when he's watching.

What should I do?" From Mary in Dayton, Ohio.

Uh. Well, Mary, here's the thing.

Get a bigger TV.

This way his head'll be comparatively smaller

and it won't block your view, honey.

[STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

MAN [ON RECORDING]: Good!

[ROSIE AND FRAN LAUGH]

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

[INDISTINCT]

This is from Jackie Hall in New Jersey:

"Dear Fran, I choose not to breastfeed

but my husband thinks I should. What should I do?"

Well, that depends, Jackie.

Do you have any children?

[BOTH LAUGH]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

No. I can do no more.

All right, one more. One more.

Thank you.

Bye, everyone. I love you. I love you.

[PEOPLE CHEERING]

[♪♪♪]

You know, Maxwell, I think it's nice

Nanny Fine's doing that little talk show thing.

It gives us so much more time together.

Our relationship has just grown by leaps and bounds.

Miss Fine, you're back.

Oh, I do hope you've come to kibitz.

I do love it when we kibitz.

I just wanted to say that,

you know, I know I haven't been here a lot

and I really feel guilty about it.

And not just the usual low-level hum of guilt

that every Jew feels.

Oh, nonsense, Miss Fine.

Just promise me one thing, though.

-When you become famous, you won't forget us. -[FRAN CHUCKLES]

Of course there are a couple of little things

we can forget and move on, eh?

No, no, no. We'll always have Paris.

Nanny Fine, do you mind, we were in the middle of something.

This is a place of business.

Well, it's okay.

I have a lot of messages to return.

Look at this: "Procter & Gamble, Gerber, Pampers."

What exactly does a national spokesperson do anyway?

They get their best friend C.C. to be their agent.

Well, you know, I really am too nice to negotiate big deals.

I guess I should have a ruthless,

blood-sucking leech on my side.

I'll take that as a yes.

What exactly does an agent get?

-You mean, you don't know? -No.

-Fifty percent. -C.C.

Okay. Forty percent.

Miss Fine and Miss Babcock walking arm in arm.

Isn't that one of the biblical signs of the Apocalypse?

Fran, I thought you were gonna read me my book.

Whoa, little girl.

If you can't read by now, start suing your school system.

Nanny Fine, listen to this.

"The children of St. Andrew's Orphanage

"would love to meet you.

I'm sorry we can't afford your personal appearance fee."

[LAUGHS] Yeah, right.

I'm sorry too.

Hey, what are you doing home so late?

Well, I had detention.

I thought someone was gonna come down to my school

sit on my teacher's desk, cross her legs,

and get me out of it.

-Oh, B. -Quit whining.

Fran forgot to chaperon me on my date.

You don't hear me complaining.

A hickey, Maggie?

Did you really think that you were gonna hide a hickey from me

with a little pressed powder?

You need oil-base concealer.

Oh, kids, I've been neglecting you. I'm so sorry.

It's just because I've been so busy with Rosie,

I'm forgetting everything.

I don't even know how I get dressed in the morning.

Oh, my God.

Oh, it's a thong. Okay.

Now, children, I do hope we're not pestering Miss Fine.

We've all gotta try to be a little more supportive.

With her newfound celebrity, Miss Fine is bound

to be a little less accessible to us.

Now, run along. Go on.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield, I'm just as accessible as I always was.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I'm telling you,

I'm still the same old schlub you met when I came here.

Hi, Donny!

Anyway...

Donald Trump, I'd like you to meet--

Oh, what am I talking about?

All you handsome zillionaires know each other.

Donald.

Maxwell Sheffield. How do you do?

You know, Donald caught me on the Rosie Show

and invited me to a party at Elaine's for Demi

who's on the cover of George, but I don't wanna name drop.

-See you in the limo. -All right.

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

Hello.

I told you not to call me on this line again.

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

That's better.

Ah, you know, Mr. Sheffield, a lot of men in your position

would be very threatened by me running with movers and shakers,

rubbing elbows and God knows what else.

But not you.

You're really happy for me.

Now I know what you meant when you said

you wanted us to be friends.

Of course.

I am very happy for you.

-Bye. -Bye.

Niles, fetch me a bottle of champagne, would you?

To toast Miss Fine's success?

No, to shoot my eye out with the cork!

[♪♪♪]

Come on, Nanny Fine. We don't wanna be late.

Oh, you know, we're meeting Uma and Uda

to see Emma with Oprah,

then dinner with Kyra, Courtney and Keanu at--

Oh, what's that place again?

Oh, I'm so bad with names.

Niles, hypothetically,

if you cared very deeply for someone but feared losing them,

what would you say to get them to stay?

Oh, sir, I'm not going anywhere.

Not you, you blithering idiot.

Miss Fine.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Aren't you gonna answer the door?

Oh, is that what that bell is?

You know, I never knew that

because I'm such a blithering idiot.

Oh, thank God you're all right!

Why shouldn't I be?

-Give me a hug. -What?

Oh, I was so worried.

Make yourself scarce.

Bubby Sophie came to her in a dream

and told her you were gonna have a horrible accident.

You rushed over here just because

someone appeared to you in a dream?

Does everyone in your family

take this Bubby Sophie thing seriously?

They do if they know what's good for them.

She told me you were gonna come home from work

and kiss a perky brunette at the door

and take a terrible fall over The Ottoman.

Ma, that's the opening of The Dick Van Dyke Show.

I'm telling you, it was in this very house.

Look.

Here's Ritchie.

And there's Millie!

[♪♪♪]

FRAN: Oh, good night, Niles.

Oh, I'm so full.

You know what I want for breakfast tomorrow.

Just give me two Belgian waffles.

[GROANING]

Mr. Sheffield.

-Mr. Sheffield. Mr. Sheffield. -[GASPING]

Where am I?

Oh, Miss Fine, what are you doing here?

Well, I heard moaning and screaming coming from your room

and I figured I should be a part of it.

I just had a horrible dream.

Calm down.

Tell me what you dreamt, and I'll tell you what it meant.

Well, I was at a party,

some sort of a celebration for you.

Do you know someone named Bubby Sophie?

My Bubby Sophie came to you in a dream?

She was horrible, retched.

They said she looked like me.

With a fantastic body.

Anyway, we were in a cemetery.

Everyone was having a great time.

Just about to toast your success,

when...

Maxwell!

♪♪ What's this I hear ♪♪

♪♪ About your nanny on a talk show? ♪♪

♪♪ On a talk show ♪♪

♪♪ Who's the schmuck ♪♪

♪♪ Who let her do this to your children? ♪♪

♪♪ To your children ♪♪

♪♪ I completely understand ♪♪

♪♪ You taking back the thing ♪♪

♪♪ Yes, the thing ♪♪

♪♪ She should be so happy ♪♪

♪♪ Just to have you as a friend ♪♪

♪♪ And supportive! ♪♪

My Bubby said that?

Sounds crazy, no?

♪♪♪ If your nanny stays on Rosie's show ♪♪

♪♪ The kids will grow up wrong ♪♪

♪♪ No ♪♪

♪♪ Miss Babcock will get Max ♪♪

♪♪ Fran'll stay single all her life ♪♪

♪♪ Oy ♪♪

♪♪ Living with her mother! ♪♪

♪♪ Living with her mother! Living with her mother! ♪♪

[ALL VOCALIZING]

♪♪ That's Fran's fate ♪♪

♪♪ If she stays on Rosie's show! ♪♪

[ALL SHRIEK]

Sorry, Miss Fine. Did I scare you?

Uh... Yeah, I'm terrified.

So, what do you think this dream could mean?

Oh, well, it's obvious.

Something horrible is gonna happen to me

unless I quit the Rosie Show.

No way.

You think?

You know, you're absolutely right.

Yeah.

Thank God I don't buy into

all that Bubby Sophie mishegoss.

-What? -Mishegoss.

It means crap.

No. No, I mean, why don't you believe

in Bubby Sophie like your entire family?

Oh, you think I'm gonna make a life-altering decision

based on some woman I never even met

that comes to you in a dream?

What am I, nuts?

Now, if Barbara had come to you in a dream...

[SHUDDERS]

Oh. Don't do Funny Girl, sir.

Barbara's so obvious.

Do Fiddler instead.

[NILES SCOFFS]

Sir, I said the whole dream idea was a ridiculous.

Stop underestimating Miss Fine's intelligence

and be honest with her for a change.

Tell her how you feel.

Oh, my God. That's the thing.

You told her how you felt and then you took it back.

Oh, no. You'd never be that stupid.

-Hi, Mr. Sheffield. -Oh, there you are, Miss Fine.

Where have you been? Hanging with the hip crowd?

No, visiting Yetta.

I was with the hip-replacement crowd.

But you know, she told me not to be so quick

to blow off your dream about Bubby Sophie.

She said that it was a sign

that I wasn't meant to be in the limelight,

and, you know, the kids need me, you need me.

For the kids. Calm down.

So I told Rosie that this week was gonna be my last show.

Oh! Oh, well, that's your decision.

And that's why I have an office and you clean it.

-Got fired? -Yeah.

Wait till you see my replacement.

They got this retired couple from Florida

doing cheapo restaurant reviews. [SCOFFS]

-MAN:It's $10.95 for a full dinner. -ROSIE:Yeah.

-Includes salad, soup, dessert, coffee. -Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Uh-huh.

-And then if you go with four people-- -Yeah.

-You get one free. -You get one dinner free.

[STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND CHEERING]

Can you believe they bumped me for these two characters?

Please. My parents could do better.

Here's the sketch, boss.

I gotta get ready for my dream date.

With who?

Well, I don't know.

I have to fall asleep first.

-Laura. -[WEEPING] Sal.

Hi, hon. I'm nearly done.

Oh, darling, I hope you're not upset,

but I did something I wasn't supposed to.

Aw, honey, it couldn't have been that bad.

What'd you do?

I pushed our beds together.

Come on. Let's go home.

Oh, no.

You're not going anywhere.

Alan wants to know what the thing is.

[CRYING] Oh, my!

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]