Original subtitles

MAXWELL: Yes, we're in Paris.

Ms. Fine put a dog in my carry on

then got herself stuck on the plane.

And, well, suffice it to say, we're here...

which I must admit is not entirely unpleasant.

[WOMAN SINGING IN FRENCH]

For God sakes, I'm in Paris with a beautiful woman.

-FRAN: Oh... -Come on,

let's blow this nightclub and see where life takes us.

[ROLLS TONGUE]

FRAN:Apparently, French wine has a very low alcohol content

because life took us right back to the airport.

[FRAN GASPING]

-What the hell was that? -Oh, just a little bump in the road.

What, we hit a deer? We're in the air.

Oh, you have to picture yourself

going along a little country lane

with a few dips and potholes.

-What the bloody hell was that? -Oh, Mr. Sheffield!

Mr. Sheffield, I just want you to know

that these last three years

have been just the best years of my life.

Oh!

I love you.

FRAN:Well, thank God it was just a little bump in the road

and after three long years of working it--

I mean, working there-- I had finally gotten him to say it.

Ms. Fine, before we go in,

I think I should try to explain to you

exactly what happened up there.

Oh, it's okay.

It was all that wine and escargot.

These weren't good shoes anyway.

Oh, no. No, no, no.

Um, no.

Uh, you know how it is when you're facing death,

how you sometimes say things without thinking?

No.

Ms. Fine, I thought we were spending

our last moments on earth together up there

and so that's why I, you know, said the thing.

The thing?

Yeah. You know, that I felt that way at that time in that place.

Oh, my God, you're taking back the thing?

Please, Ms. Fine, in the heat of the moment,

sometimes people just blurt things out.

You blurted prematurely?

-Are you very upset? -No. No, I'll be fine.

It's perfectly understandable. Please, don't touch me.

[THEME SONG PLAYING]

♪♪ She was working in a bridal shop in Flushing, Queens ♪♪

♪♪ 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out ♪♪

♪♪ In one of those crushing scenes ♪♪

♪♪ What was she to do? Where was she to go? ♪♪

♪♪ She was out on her fanny ♪♪

♪♪ So over the bridge from Flushing to the Sheffield's door ♪♪

♪♪ She was there to sell makeup, but the father saw more ♪♪

♪♪ She had style! She had flair! ♪♪

♪♪ She was there! That's how she became the nanny! ♪♪

♪♪ Who would have guessed that the girl we've described ♪♪

♪♪ Was just exactly what the doctor prescribed? ♪♪

♪♪ Now the father finds her beguiling ♪♪

♪♪ Watch out, C.C.! ♪♪

♪♪ And the kids are actually smiling ♪♪

♪♪ Such♪♪

♪♪ She's the lady in red ♪♪

♪♪ When everybody else is wearing tan ♪♪

♪♪ The flashy girl from Flushing ♪♪

♪♪ The nanny named Fran! ♪♪

Thanks, Fran. What a beautiful doll.

I know.

You know, she's Marie Antoinette.

FRAN: There you go.

And look at here, this is that restaurant

that your father promised to take me to,

but then he changed his mind and took it back

which he oft does.

I had made reservations but the thing was she--

There's that thing again.

Fran, I have a report due for school.

I'm supposed to pick a woman with an interesting career.

Oh, Gracie, I don't know

if there's enough to write a whole report about me.

There isn't. That's why I picked Ms. Babcock.

Nanny Fine, don't be hurt

just because I'm closer to little Gretel than you are.

Gretel never said that.

Aren't we defensive.

There's nothing wrong with being just a pretty face.

In fact, it's a plus if you have no skills.

I've got skills.

Nanny Fine,

identifying what's in the Godivas

without a guide is not a skill.

Oh, nougat.

Oh, come on, you must know the only reason

you got this job is because of your looks.

Hey, hey, that is not true.

I got this job because I lied on my resumé.

Men of Maxwell's class enjoy

keeping women like you around to flirt with.

Well, you know, you're right.

Now, that's bad because...

He doesn't respect you.

Don't you know why you get away with murders?

It's because of those skimpy little outfits

you bounce around in. It's offensive.

But just out of curiosity, say you were being sued for,

oh, choking a choreographer,

what would you wear to court?

Oh, Maxwell, what an ordeal this flight was.

I can't imagine anything more terrifying.

Booga. Booga. Booga.

C.C., I do hope Chester wasn't too traumatized by his trip.

Although, he didn't seem to mind being in his little travel bag.

Ooh!

Forgot to unpack him, didn't you?

No.

Angelica, you know that suitcase

in my closet that you said was growling

and I called you an insane old witch?

Niles. Niles, I want you to order

some flowers for Ms. Fine.

Make it two dozen Sterling roses, long-stemmed.

Ooh. Somebody was so very bad.

What did you do?

-Shall I close the door? -Yes.

Just make sure you're on the other side of it.

Come on, sir, the little crumbs you throw me, I live on.

I just have to make up for something

I said to Ms. Fine on the airplane.

-What did you say? -None of your bloody business.

Was it about me?

-No. -Fine.

I'll find out anyway. I always do.

Oh, Ms. Fine, please do come in.

Oh, if you're gonna smoke a cigar,

please let me snip the end off.

In an odd way, I feel it'll make me feel better.

Now, I wanna ask you something

that's very important, but it's private.

So give me this lemon a minute.

NILES: Ow!

Mr. Sheffield--

Ms. Fine, what are you doing over there?

Come on, come and sit on my desk.

Annoy me. It'll be just like old times.

You mean BT? Before the thing?

Ms. Fine, how long are you going to torture me with this?

I'm not gonna torture you about it.

That's why I came in here to tell you that I'm over it.

Oh, really?

No, took it back. How's it feel?

Please, Ms. Fine, Cats is opening in 14 new cities.

I don't feel very strong right now.

All right, let me ask you this one question:

When you hired me, did you think I was just attractive?

Absolutely not.

I thought you're beautiful, stunning, drop-dead gorgeous.

How dare you!

Why do you keep trying to hurt me like this?

NILES [ON SPEAKER]: It got quiet. Are they talking about me?

Oh, I can't believe I'm back in the meat market again.

It's so sad.

I mean, the best years of my life

and I spend 90 percent of them with--

With a guy who kisses you passionately and takes it back,

asks to marry you, takes it back.

Tells you he loves you, takes it--

I was gonna say talking with you, Val.

But thanks for the post-game wrap up.

You know, the reason why he keeps taking it back is

because I'm nothing but a pretty play thing to him.

I mean, he doesn't take me seriously.

Can I have a double apricot sour rimmer with Sweet'N Low?

Come on, let's go get a table

-before some other yutz tries to pick me up. -Yeah.

Too late, ladies.

Hi. I'm Jack. Would you mind if I bought you a drink?

Do you mind? We really wanna be alone.

-VAL: Yeah. -What is it with guys?

Why do they always think just because you're at a singles bar

in a cute top, a tight skirt and stiletto heels,

you're looking for action?

Well, why do women think

that guys expect them to jump into bed

every time they try and buy them a drink?

Now, potato skins, I get you both.

-I don't think so. -Speak for yourself.

I haven't had a potato skin in three years.

No, seriously, you sound like a very nice woman.

And looks really don't matter to me.

Yeah, right.

You're only interested in me for my mind.

Like I haven't heard that bef... Actually, I've never heard that.

I ordered a drink about 10 minutes ago. Bartender.

It's sitting right in front of you. What are you, blind?

Yes.

A sympathy pick-up?

Pretending to be blind

just so that you could take home a couple of college girls?

College girls.

Forgive me, I'm very sorry.

Val, get a table. This could work.

-I'll drink to that. -Whoa!

Oh, watch it! Watch it!

Yes, I'd like to order a pair

of the diamond earrings on page 12.

What are you doing, sir?

You know, for someone who's never bloody around

when there's no toilet paper,

you're certainly under foot enough.

Just ordering something for Ms. Fine.

Well, I really don't think that will make up for what you said.

Oh, for God sakes, all I said was--

Ooh, hoo, hoo...

Nice try.

Oh, come on, sir, this is cruel.

Have you no soul?

There is a mean streak in you that is less than beguiling.

He told me what he said to you. Are you all right?

-He told you? -Mm-hmm.

Well, I just think that it's pretentious

to get a butler from France.

And what's gonna happen to you?

I mean, who has money for a butler these days?

Hello, hello.

Oh, here, let me get that for you, ma'am.

What a smashing suit.

You look tired. May I draw you a foot bath?

You know what? I can't do this. Why don't you just shoot me?

Nanny Fine.

Oh, I wish you could have been there

with, the little one along.

I'm more accessible.

People think I have a soft, caring side,

and then I've got'em!

Oh, Fran, I never should have said I'd do my report on her.

How can I take it back?

Oh, ask your father.

He's the expert in that category.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, hi, Jack. Come on in.

Did you have any trouble finding the place?

-No more than usual. -[CHUCKLES]

-Hi, handsome boy. -Oh, thank you very much.

I wasn't quite sure about the suit.

It is a suit, isn't it?

-Come on in. Watch your step. -Oh. Oh, all right.

You know what? Maybe I should stay with you.

I wouldn't want to break anything.

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

You're not gonna break anything.

[SHRIEKS]

-Oh, Franny, I'm so sorry. -Oh... Oh, that's okay.

Accidents happen.

Oh, my God, Ms. Fine.

What is this mess?

Oh, excuse me. I had no idea you had a date.

I knew. How does it feel to be out of the loop?

How do you do? I'm Maxwell Sheffield.

-Hi, I'm Jack. -You certainly bounced back

awfully quickly.

Do you mind if we discuss this later?

Fine. What time do you think you'll be home?

Well, I think you lost the right to know that

when you took back the thing.

-Why are you always doing this to me? -You're determined to drive

-that into to ground, don't you? -You give me such mixed messages.

-I'm so confused. Just leave me alone! -I've come here to reconcile...

-How do you do? I'm Niles. -Hi.

Do you know what's going on between her and this guy?

Why? What have you heard?

[♪♪♪]

Jack, you know, you are so well-adjusted.

I mean, you have your own law firm

and you sculpt and you sky dive.

No, no, no. I had to give that up.

-Why? -The dog kept throwing up.

[LAUGHS]

I'm damn glad I met you.

I mean, it's so nice to meet a guy

that appreciates you for your inner self,

and not just for the way you look.

A '90s Jacqueline Smith.

Well, it really doesn't matter to me. You can weigh a ton.

I can't see you, Fran.

You know, Mr. Sheffield just thinks of me as an object.

I know. He's only attracted to you because of how you look

and it really bugs you.

I think you're just going out with a guy who can't see

because you think you have something to prove.

-That's not true. -Yes, it is.

You're so hung up on this guy

you've mentioned his name 35 times in the last hour.

It's just that me and Mr. Sheffield--

Thirty-six.

You know, I really think that you should try and convince him

that you're more than just a '90s Kate Smith.

You know, I think that you should know someone a little better

before you start pegging them with such deadly accuracy.

Oh, Jack, I'm so sorry. I really am using you.

How can I ever make it up to you?

It's all right.

Forget about it. Come on, I'll buy you a drink.

Maybe I can even talk you into a plate of potato skins.

You know, for your information, I am giving you

such a dirty look right now.

Oh, my.

Oh, oh, oh. It's a bally. Here you go, kids.

-Here's your ball. -[YELLING] No, Fran! Don't throw the ball!

Don't throw the ball!

[CRASHES]

[♪♪♪]

Fran, you're taking this pretty well.

Being dumped by a blind guy.

Ma, don't you see, he has no idea what I look like.

He dumped me for who I really am.

[DOOR BUZZES]

Oh, it's Pauly, the butcher.

Hi, Pauly.

Oh, is that a new apron?

It makes you look so scwelt. [CHUCKLES]

I put an extra breast in,

not that you need any help in that department.

[CHUCKLES] Oh, you're terrible.

Ma, now I know why all the other kids

were bringing Fluffernutters to school

while I was bringing veal medallions on Wonder bread.

You know, ma, when you flirt and use your looks like that,

men do not respect you.

What's with the women's lib all of a sudden?

When did you become Gloria Estefan?

That's Gloria Steinbrenner, ma.

There is nothing wrong

with a woman using her God-given gifts.

Well, apparently, there is,

because Mr. Sheffield thinks that he can say he loves me--

[GASPS] He said he loved you?

Oh, that wonderful man.

He took it back.

I'll call Yetta. She'll put a curse on him.

Don't call Yetta, ma.

I already left a message on her machine.

-So why did he take it back? -Because he doesn't respect me.

To him, I'm just another pretty face.

Darling, that is crap.

Ma, you don't know what you're talking about. Just drop it.

He took it back because he's a basket case.

All right, pick it up.

We don't have the market on guilt, you know.

Guilt over the late wife, guilt over the kids,

guilt over marrying out of his class.

Gee, ma, you know, I think you're right.

It isn't me. It's him.

I never realized how tortured and unhappy he is.

Oh, this makes me feel so much better.

[DOOR BUZZES]

-Oy. It's the cable man. -Ma...

This one's on me.

You want free Cinemax?

[SLOW MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh, here you are.

Why don't you come inside?

We're about to watchTwister

on the Movie Channel.

-We don't get that. -We do now.

Listen, I've been thinking about what happened,

and...I understand.

-You do? -Mm-hmm.

You're emotionally fucocked.

Well, that's a little harsh, Ms. Fine.

Just a little fordray.

Maybe famished.

All I'm saying is that you are afraid of your feelings

so you just relate to me superficially.

I mean, we flirt, we play games. I prance around in short skirts.

You let me get away with anything.

What?

You get into more trouble than the children, Ms. Fine.

I punished you just last week.

Oh, yeah.

That was when you made me take those shoes back

that I said I bought for Maggie.

Right.

Just like those, only a different color.

Ah...yeah.

In fact, you know, Ms. Fine, you're right.

I am afraid. That's, that's why I took it back.

I know.

I've only really been in love once in my life before

and when my wife died, I...

Well, I'm just afraid of going through all that pain again.

I mean, what if it didn't work out between us?

What about the children?

Well, it would be hard at first,

but we'd let you come visit us on weekends.

Oh, Ms. Fine, what if something happened between us?

It could ruin everything we have.

Or it could add a whole another dimension

that wouldn't be entirely unpleasant.

Or it could ruin it.

It's happened before.

So, we agree then.

-Friends? -Friends.

-Friends. -Friends.

-So why did he take it back? -Because he doesn't respect me.

He...

[LAUGHS]

We don't have the...

And I just popped another piece of cake in my mouth.

What's wrong with me?

[DOOR BUZZES]

-Oy. It's the cable man. -Ma...

This one's on me. Want some free Cinemax?

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Who are these people?

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]