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Oh, Niles,
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you missed some top-of-the-line bar mitzvah.
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They flew the entire family in.
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Yeah? From where?
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The ceiling.
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Yeah, it was a giant, sequined hot-air balloon.
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It was like being in a JewishWizard of Oz.
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Oh, and B, the bar mitzvah gave me
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such great ideas for your confirmation party.
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And I'm sure they're fantastic.
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But after church, the whole family's
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coming back here for an elegant supper.
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You see, the arrangements have all been made.
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Quick, Niles, make the arrangements.
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That's right, Maxwell, less is more.
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When I was confirmed, we had a very simple ceremony.
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Hmm, lit a few candles and danced around a dead cat?
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Dad, come on, I've been studying
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with this priest for three years now.
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I want a bar mitzvah.
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Oh, come on, Mr. Sheffield, you know he's the middle child.
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You sawThe Godfather.
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You don't want to have another Fredo Corleone on your hands.
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He already resents you for all those after-school activities
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that you make me schlepp him to.
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Oh, no, that's me.
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Nanny Fine, is this the cruise you and Val are going on?
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Mmm-hmm.
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Oh, boy, would you just look at that gorgeous hunk of beef
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over there by the pool.
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And, you know, the chef will carve it for you right there.
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Don't you find it a little degrading
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to be a single woman on a cruise?
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I mean, trapped on a ship with all those marauding men,
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half naked, greased up with suntan oil,
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no way to escape...
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Good night, Maxwell.
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Oh, Miss Fine, you're gonna have a wonderful time.
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You know, I remember my first transatlantic crossing.
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I booked the royal suite on the top deck.
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Magnificent panoramic views.
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Oh, well, we've got the Jules Verne cabin.
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We're 20,000 leagues under the sea.
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But I don't care, because my psychic told me
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that I was gonna meet the man of my dreams on this cruise.
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A psychic, Miss Fine?
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Oh, yeah. She was fabulous.
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She said that he and I were going to dance on water.
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Then she got some kind of freak asthma attack,
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and it just ate up the rest of my $3.95 a minute.
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Miss Fine, you don't honestly think
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you're gonna meet the love of your life
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and get married based only on what
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any stranger tells you over the telephone?
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Well, you got that right, mister.
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You know how many clueless quacks I had to call
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before I found one with that kind of vision?
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♪♪ She was working in a bridal shop in Flushing, Queens ♪♪
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♪♪ 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out ♪♪
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♪♪ in one of those crushing scenes ♪♪
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♪♪ What was she to do? Where was she to go? ♪♪
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♪♪ She was out on her fanny ♪♪
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♪♪ So over the bridge from Flushing to the Sheffield's door ♪♪
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♪♪ She was there to sell makeup, but the father saw more ♪♪
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♪♪ She had style! She had flair! She was there! ♪♪
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♪♪ That's how she became the nanny! ♪♪
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♪♪ Who would have guessed that the girl we've described ♪♪
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♪♪ was just exactly what the doctor prescribed? ♪♪
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♪♪ Now the father finds her beguiling ♪♪
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♪♪ Watch out, C.C.! ♪♪
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♪♪ And the kids are actually smiling ♪♪
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♪♪ Such joie de vivre! ♪♪
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♪♪ She's the lady in red when everybody else is wearing tan ♪♪
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♪♪ The flashy girl from Flushing ♪♪
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♪♪ The nanny named Fran! ♪♪
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Niles, I cannot believe Miss Fine is going on a cruise
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just because some psychic told her she had a date with destiny.
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I mean, when you pay someone,
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they only tell you what you want to hear.
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Absolutely, sir.
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You are so clever and witty and handsome...
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Oh, shut up!
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You know, there is a chance she could run off.
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I mean, if she met someone
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and convinced herself it was fate.
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Boy, that would really tear the children up.
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Well, you know how attractive they find her.
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I mean, nurturing and caring and all that.
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Why don't you tell her how they feel?
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Don't use any names, just convey their thoughts.
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Lost without you.
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Never leave.
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Love you so.
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Are you completely mad?
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She'll think I'm talking about myself.
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Now, why didn't I think of that?
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You are so clever and witty
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and handsome...
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Dad, a confirmation is one of the most
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important events in a young man's life.
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No, no, no. Where are the tears?
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Where's the emotion?
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You know, you're no Erik Menendez.
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Fran, I'm not an actor. I can't just cry on cue.
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Well, try this one on for size.
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Your father made some terrible investments and your trust fund, gone.
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No. No!
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That's good. That's good.
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Use that.
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Uh, Mr. Sheffield, Brighton has something
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that he wants to speak to you about.
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Dad, I've been thinking, and, well,
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it's very important in a young man's life to have a real confirmation,
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and it would mean so very, very much to me if would you would just...
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Oh, my God, your heel's going through my foot!
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Do you think Erik would have said that to Leslie Abramson?
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You know, Miss Fine, I think you're absolutely right.
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Brighton should have a big party.
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Oh, I'm so glad you changed your mind,
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because, you know, you're only 14 once.
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Twenty-nine, you can be eight, 10 years.
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Oh, Fran, you're the best.
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Oh, honey, it's gonna be just like a real bar mitzvah.
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Now, get off me. I know what you're doing.
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Hey, today I am a man.
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So, tell me, what's the plans for the big event?
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Well, are you ready for this? Yeah.
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I'm taking the entire family on a cruise.
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That's fabulous.
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I inspired you. Where you going?
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To the Caribbean.
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That's fabulous. Just like me.
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What cruise line?
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Celebrity.
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That's fabulous. Me, too.
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I know. We're coming with you.
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Why?
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Now, Miss Fine, wasn't it your idea
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that Brighton should have a big bar-mitzvah-like to do?
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Yeah, bar mitzvah on land.
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We're desert people.
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We don't like to get wet.
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That's why we parted the Red Sea.
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Oh, Miss Fine, I know what you're thinking.
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You're on this boat to find Mr. Right.
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Well, don't you worry. We'll respect your privacy.
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So will Morty, Sylvia, and Yetta.
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You invited my parents and my grandmother
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on the first sexy vacation I've had in three years?
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Yes. That's so thoughtful of you.
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But you said Brighton should be surrounded by family.
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I meant your family.
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Excuse me, sir.
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I may be overstepping my bounds here,
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but I've invited the Fines and Miss Babcock,
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as you requested,
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and I think it's very unfair
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to intrude on this poor girl's vacation.
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You're coming, too.
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[EXCLAIMING] Caribe!
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♪♪ Feeling hot, hot, hot ♪♪
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♪♪ Hot, hot, hot ♪♪
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[HORN BLOWING]
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Don't worry, Franny, I promise you, you won't even know I'm here.
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Then maybe you can let go of my jacket?
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Then I'll fall.
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Miss Babcock is out of her mind.
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I haven't seen one desperate single woman on this whole ship.
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Oh, my God, gorgeous guy. How's my hair?
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Who cares? He's mine.
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Val! Val, I saw him first!
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Yetta.
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Welcome aboard theCentury, I'm your captain.
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Oh, how do you do?
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I'm Fran Fine, and--and this is my birth control device.
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Nice to meet you.
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Oh, you look so different without your blue uniform
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and your big handlebar moustache.
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Yetta, that's Captain Crunch.
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I know who it is.
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That picture on the box must have been taken years ago.
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Darling, I don't think I'm gonna make it.
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Oh. Uh, Captain, I'd like you to meet my mother.
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She's a little nervous about being so far out at sea.
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TheCentury the safest ships afloat.
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Don't lie to me.
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Have you ever run out of food?
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Ma, calm down. It's a huge ship.
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There's no way they're gonna run out of...
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Say, do they have an A&P on Saint Thomas?
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Well, what happened with Mr. Gorgeous?
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Gay.
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Look at him making out with that girl over there.
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Wait until she finds out.
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Well, I don't know why I'm looking to pick up men anyway.
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I mean, the psychic said that
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the man of my dreams was going to find me.
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Ah, Miss Fine, I found you.
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Oh, Fran, you've gotta see the video arcade. It is so big.
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Fran, there's a club just for kids.
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Children, please wait. Wait a minute.
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Now, Miss Fine is on vacation.
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Let's not bother her.
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But, Dad, you just dragged us
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all over the ship looking for her.
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To tell her we're not going to bother her.
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Well, that's all right. That's okay.
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Listen, you kids, if you need me for anything,
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I'm on the plaza deck, Room 5102.
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Hey, we're in 5103.
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And I'm in 5104.
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[ALL CHATTERING]
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Oh, my God, that's fabulous.
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You're just so full of surprises.
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Would you let go of me, old woman?
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Then I'll fall, and I'll have to spend
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the entire cruise in our room.
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I don't...
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What do you mean our room?
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Well, you see, the thing was, when I made the arrangements,
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there were only two rooms left.
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Well, I couldn't share with a woman,
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so I was forced to take the suite.
224
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Why didn't you give us the suite?
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Well, I offered, but...
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What do we need with a wet bar and a Jacuzzi?
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A couple of old maids like us.
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Hi, kids.
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Hey, Fran.
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Oh, God, Val, can you believe
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those two 17-year-old twins playing ping pong over there?
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I don't know who's more gorgeous, the boy or the girl.
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Okay, let's take their chairs.
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[BOTH SIGHING]
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So, Val, did you get the dining room menu?
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Yeah, it's right here.
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The late seating offers a doctor across from us
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with an accountant on the side,
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and the early comes with two retired couples,
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but we're literally on top of the seafood bar.
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Seafood bar. Seafood bar.
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It doesn't matter who I eat with because the psychic told me
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that, by the end of this cruise,
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I was going to dance on water with the man of my dreams.
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I went to a psychic.
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He told me I'd be single, living with my parents
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and 10 pounds heavier.
248
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Please, I'm at least 20 pounds heavier.
249
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Oh, hi, Ma. Where's Daddy?
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He's floating in the pool.
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Where is he?
252
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Morty, did you forget something?
253
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Stays on in a monsoon, mytuchus.
254
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Darling, I met the most gorgeous guy for you.
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There he is. Arch your back.
256
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Hi.
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I'm Steve Goodman.
258
00:12:17,200 --> 00:12:20,160
Hi, Steve. I'm Fran Fine.
259
00:12:20,500 --> 00:12:21,333
Your mother told me so much about you.
260
00:12:21,366 --> 00:12:23,133
You know, my sister also graduated
261
00:12:23,166 --> 00:12:25,160
Hillcrest High five years ago.
262
00:12:26,350 --> 00:12:29,166
What's left for us to talk about?
263
00:12:29,200 --> 00:12:33,330
Well, we could talk about the mambo contest Saturday night.
264
00:12:33,660 --> 00:12:35,660
Think you could keep up with me?
265
00:12:35,100 --> 00:12:38,116
He's asking me to dance on water.
266
00:12:39,660 --> 00:12:40,133
Don't break my heart.
267
00:12:40,166 --> 00:12:41,200
Don't tell me you're with someone.
268
00:12:41,233 --> 00:12:44,416
Oh, no, no, no. I am free as a bird.
269
00:12:44,450 --> 00:12:47,000
Completely unattached.
270
00:12:47,330 --> 00:12:49,160
[SIGHING] There you are.
271
00:12:50,183 --> 00:12:53,116
Did we remember to set the alarm before we left the house?
272
00:12:53,150 --> 00:12:56,266
Mr. Sheffield, there are 2,000 people on board.
273
00:12:56,300 --> 00:13:00,660
What, do I got a LoJack stuffed in my bra?
274
00:13:00,100 --> 00:13:02,300
Mr. Sheffield,
275
00:13:02,333 --> 00:13:05,500
the white chaises are for loading
276
00:13:05,830 --> 00:13:09,100
and unloading potential husbands only.
277
00:13:09,133 --> 00:13:10,416
Don't mind me.
278
00:13:10,450 --> 00:13:13,100
I just came up for some fresh air.
279
00:13:13,133 --> 00:13:16,200
Yeah, I think I'll do a couple hundred laps in the pool.
280
00:13:18,116 --> 00:13:21,400
I think you got your trunks on backwards.
281
00:13:21,433 --> 00:13:25,466
The whole string is hanging out over here.
282
00:13:26,000 --> 00:13:29,433
Oh, right. Uh, don't mind me.
283
00:13:29,466 --> 00:13:31,483
Carry on.
284
00:13:32,160 --> 00:13:35,316
That's Grandma Yetta. She's sharp as a tack.
285
00:13:37,000 --> 00:13:41,466
It's hard to believe I got a granddaughter over 30.
286
00:13:43,100 --> 00:13:45,330
She's senile. She's senile.
287
00:13:54,466 --> 00:13:57,433
Craps. Sorry, sir, you lose again.
288
00:13:59,200 --> 00:14:01,350
Hello, Niles.
289
00:14:01,383 --> 00:14:03,316
Now, I knew you were a high roller.
290
00:14:03,350 --> 00:14:07,483
Those Bermuda shorts you wore to the pool were a huge gamble.
291
00:14:08,433 --> 00:14:10,400
This from a woman whose flip-flops
292
00:14:10,433 --> 00:14:13,233
could transport refugees from Cuba.
293
00:14:18,250 --> 00:14:19,466
Seven's a winner.
294
00:14:20,000 --> 00:14:21,400
Looks like my luck is changing.
295
00:14:27,383 --> 00:14:29,333
Craps, you lose.
296
00:14:31,116 --> 00:14:33,433
Come on, you have two chips left. Go for it.
297
00:14:33,466 --> 00:14:36,416
Papa needs a new pair of oven mitts.
298
00:14:42,660 --> 00:14:43,366
11 is the winner.
299
00:14:51,500 --> 00:14:53,330
Seven, he wins again.
300
00:14:54,830 --> 00:14:56,400
Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
301
00:14:56,433 --> 00:15:01,133
♪♪ Ole ole, ole ole ♪♪
302
00:15:16,116 --> 00:15:19,116
♪♪ Me mind on fire Me soul on fire ♪♪
303
00:15:19,150 --> 00:15:21,166
♪♪ Feeling hot, hot, hot ♪♪
304
00:15:23,483 --> 00:15:25,350
♪♪ Party people ♪♪
305
00:15:25,383 --> 00:15:28,483
♪♪ All around me feeling hot, hot, hot ♪♪
306
00:15:30,250 --> 00:15:32,183
♪♪ What to do ♪♪
307
00:15:32,216 --> 00:15:34,183
♪♪ On a night like this ♪♪
308
00:15:34,216 --> 00:15:36,116
♪♪ Music sweet ♪♪
309
00:15:36,150 --> 00:15:38,333
♪♪ I can't resist ♪♪
310
00:15:38,366 --> 00:15:42,000
♪♪ We need a party song ♪♪
311
00:15:42,330 --> 00:15:45,283
♪♪ A fundamental jam ♪♪
312
00:15:45,316 --> 00:15:48,166
♪♪ So we go rum-bum-bum-bum ♪♪
313
00:15:49,216 --> 00:15:52,160
♪♪ Yeah, we rum-bum-bum-bum ♪♪
314
00:15:53,116 --> 00:15:55,233
♪♪ Feeling hot, hot, hot ♪♪
315
00:15:56,433 --> 00:15:58,366
♪♪ Feeling hot, hot, hot ♪♪
316
00:15:58,400 --> 00:16:00,416
♪♪ Oh, Lord ♪♪
317
00:16:08,450 --> 00:16:10,250
♪♪ See people rocking ♪♪
318
00:16:10,283 --> 00:16:11,450
♪♪ Hear people chanting ♪♪
319
00:16:11,483 --> 00:16:13,466
♪♪ Feeling hot, hot, hot ♪♪
320
00:16:16,216 --> 00:16:17,450
♪♪ Keep up this spirit ♪♪
321
00:16:17,483 --> 00:16:19,216
♪♪ Come on, let's do it ♪♪
322
00:16:19,250 --> 00:16:21,183
♪♪ Feeling hot, hot, hot ♪♪
323
00:16:22,316 --> 00:16:24,316
♪♪ It's in the air ♪♪
324
00:16:24,350 --> 00:16:26,183
♪♪ Celebration time ♪♪
325
00:16:26,216 --> 00:16:28,133
♪♪ Music sweet ♪♪
326
00:16:28,166 --> 00:16:30,316
♪♪ Captivate your mind ♪♪
327
00:16:30,350 --> 00:16:33,416
♪♪ We have this party song ♪♪
328
00:16:33,450 --> 00:16:37,400
♪♪ This fundamental jam ♪♪
329
00:16:37,433 --> 00:16:39,433
♪♪ So we go rum-bum-bum-bum ♪♪
330
00:16:43,116 --> 00:16:45,283
Not so fast or I'll fall.
331
00:16:48,433 --> 00:16:51,400
[SIGHING] Wasn't that a magnificent sunset?
332
00:16:51,433 --> 00:16:53,000
Mmm-hmm.
333
00:16:53,330 --> 00:16:54,400
I just wish it could last forever.
334
00:16:54,433 --> 00:16:56,366
Oh, me, too.
335
00:16:56,400 --> 00:16:58,660
You know, next to candles,
336
00:16:58,100 --> 00:17:00,266
sunset is the most youthful lighting.
337
00:17:02,416 --> 00:17:04,400
What a wonderful day.
338
00:17:04,433 --> 00:17:06,500
You know, it was a great idea
339
00:17:06,830 --> 00:17:08,400
to make Brighton's confirmation such an event.
340
00:17:08,433 --> 00:17:10,483
Well, we've got a lot to celebrate.
341
00:17:11,160 --> 00:17:13,333
Brighton's becoming a man
342
00:17:13,366 --> 00:17:15,330
and I'm getting one.
343
00:17:15,400 --> 00:17:17,250
Oh, yes, Steve.
344
00:17:17,283 --> 00:17:19,266
Nice chap. Nice chap.
345
00:17:19,300 --> 00:17:22,450
Strange how one nostril's larger than the other.
346
00:17:23,433 --> 00:17:25,660
I didn't notice.
347
00:17:25,100 --> 00:17:26,266
Oh, really?
348
00:17:26,300 --> 00:17:29,383
Yes, it throws off the whole symmetry of his face somehow.
349
00:17:29,416 --> 00:17:31,283
Well, if it doesn't bother you.
350
00:17:31,316 --> 00:17:34,660
I mean, I know I couldn't live with it.
351
00:17:35,316 --> 00:17:38,383
I could live with a weird nostril myself.
352
00:17:38,416 --> 00:17:42,830
Oh, Steve, there you are.
353
00:17:42,116 --> 00:17:45,183
Well, listen, I should leave the two of you alone.
354
00:17:45,216 --> 00:17:47,400
I'm sure you want to get to your dinner.
355
00:17:47,433 --> 00:17:50,366
You know, Maxwell, you're welcome to join us.
356
00:17:50,400 --> 00:17:53,160
Oh, well, that sounds...
357
00:17:55,433 --> 00:17:59,160
Terribly inconvenient. I couldn't possibly. Good night.
358
00:17:59,500 --> 00:18:01,183
Are you sure?
359
00:18:01,216 --> 00:18:03,000
Well, actually...
360
00:18:05,450 --> 00:18:07,383
Absolutely sure. Have fun.
361
00:18:07,416 --> 00:18:09,333
Okay. Good night.
362
00:18:13,830 --> 00:18:15,350
Niles, what do you think?
363
00:18:15,383 --> 00:18:19,366
Now, if she really has met the man of her dreams,
364
00:18:19,400 --> 00:18:21,333
I may have lost her forever.
365
00:18:21,366 --> 00:18:24,660
Well, that's life.
366
00:18:25,483 --> 00:18:27,333
Hello, Miss Babcock.
367
00:18:27,366 --> 00:18:29,466
I don't know if it's the sea air, but you look...
368
00:18:30,000 --> 00:18:31,383
What do you want?
369
00:18:31,416 --> 00:18:34,366
20 minutes at the slots, my baby by my side.
370
00:18:35,416 --> 00:18:38,300
Oh, this is gonna cost you big.
371
00:18:38,333 --> 00:18:41,316
I thought you were duty-free on the high seas.
372
00:18:41,350 --> 00:18:44,500
Sorry. Old habits, my beauty.
373
00:18:45,466 --> 00:18:47,366
Name your price.
374
00:18:49,660 --> 00:18:51,150
Ninety-five pounds. British?
375
00:18:51,183 --> 00:18:53,250
No, Yiddish.
376
00:18:55,333 --> 00:18:57,283
Meet your new roommate.
377
00:18:57,316 --> 00:18:59,150
Hi, Neil.
378
00:19:05,133 --> 00:19:07,383
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
379
00:19:16,483 --> 00:19:18,450
Here, sweetie, you want a drink?
380
00:19:18,483 --> 00:19:20,233
I'm not allowed to have any drinks
381
00:19:20,266 --> 00:19:22,183
with little umbrellas in them.
382
00:19:24,330 --> 00:19:27,350
The rum she don't care about. Kids!
383
00:19:30,366 --> 00:19:34,266
If I snore tonight, nudge me.
384
00:19:43,200 --> 00:19:45,216
MAN: Thank you to thedancers.
385
00:19:45,250 --> 00:19:46,383
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
386
00:19:46,416 --> 00:19:49,216
And Benjie Easterman as Barbra Streisand.
387
00:19:49,250 --> 00:19:52,160
If he weren't heading for the men's room, you'd swear it was her.
388
00:19:52,500 --> 00:19:53,216
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
389
00:19:53,250 --> 00:19:55,200
And now, what you've all been waiting for.
390
00:19:55,233 --> 00:19:57,216
Get ready to mambo!
391
00:19:57,250 --> 00:19:59,350
Oh, Mr. Sheffield, where is Steve?
392
00:19:59,383 --> 00:20:02,383
They're starting the dance contest, and I don't even see him.
393
00:20:02,416 --> 00:20:05,316
You see, he's not gonna show. You can't trust him.
394
00:20:05,350 --> 00:20:08,333
He won't make you happy.
395
00:20:08,366 --> 00:20:11,233
I don't want to be happy. I want to be married.
396
00:20:11,266 --> 00:20:13,660
Oh, Steve. Steve.
397
00:20:13,100 --> 00:20:15,266
I'm afraid I'm gonna have to sit this one out, Fran.
398
00:20:15,300 --> 00:20:17,000
What? What happened?
399
00:20:17,330 --> 00:20:18,216
Come on, let's go.
400
00:20:18,250 --> 00:20:21,166
What did I tell you? They're all gay.
401
00:20:23,266 --> 00:20:25,660
Where are you taking him?
402
00:20:25,100 --> 00:20:27,330
This man's a stowaway.
403
00:20:27,660 --> 00:20:29,183
I'm sorry, Fran. I'm really sorry.
404
00:20:29,216 --> 00:20:32,300
And I'll pay back all the sundries I charged to your cabin.
405
00:20:32,333 --> 00:20:35,300
Oh, God, a stowaway.
406
00:20:35,333 --> 00:20:38,200
No wonder he wanted to sleep with me.
407
00:20:38,233 --> 00:20:41,000
He didn't have a room.
408
00:20:42,416 --> 00:20:46,330
Oh, Miss Fine, I'm so sorry.
409
00:20:46,660 --> 00:20:47,433
Oh, Mr. Sheffield, please just leave me alone.
410
00:20:47,466 --> 00:20:51,166
I am so humiliated. I just want to hide.
411
00:20:51,200 --> 00:20:55,416
MAN:Couple number one, Fran Fine and Steve Goodman.
412
00:20:55,450 --> 00:20:59,450
Miss Fine, may I be the man of your dreams for this one dance?
413
00:20:59,483 --> 00:21:01,400
I don't think I could.
414
00:21:01,433 --> 00:21:05,316
First prize, a special singles cruise on the
415
00:21:05,350 --> 00:21:08,433
All right. Twirl me, pull me, dip me, mambo, two, three, four.
416
00:21:08,466 --> 00:21:11,183
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
417
00:21:41,383 --> 00:21:44,366
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
418
00:21:48,483 --> 00:21:50,416
Mr. Sheffield, you know,
419
00:21:50,450 --> 00:21:52,316
the psychic told me that I would dance
420
00:21:52,350 --> 00:21:55,116
on water with the man of my dreams.
421
00:21:55,150 --> 00:21:57,183
What a waste of money that was.
422
00:21:58,200 --> 00:22:01,250
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
423
00:22:11,000 --> 00:22:14,660
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
31734
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