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[EXCLAIMS]
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Oh, would you relax?
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I'm sure Hillary's caught Al Gore doing the same thing.
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Just let me finish the fantasy. Go ahead.
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Miss Babcock, you're fired.
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Because?
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I'm in love with Miss Fine.
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I just love playing this game.
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Where is he, anyway? At some boring business dinner?
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Well, if you must know, and I know you must, he's gone to a party.
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Get out of here. That's what I told him.
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Well, you know what this means, don't you?
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Yes. That he's finally letting go of the past
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and rejoining the world of the living.
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No. That his Jacuzzi tub is free.
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No, no, no. Forget it, Miss Fine.
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There's a problem with that tub.
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Oh? What? It's taken.
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Oh. No, you don't. No, you don't!
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Oops. I locked the door.
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And would you look how filthy this key is.
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I better go wash it in the Jacuzzi.
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[IN SINGSONG VOICE] Na-na-na-na-na.
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Hey, hey, hey.
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Too many doors in this house. It's likeLaugh-In.
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[RINGING]
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Aren't you gonna get it?
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I can let a phone ring. Can you?
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It might be that fabulous man
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you were telling your mother about.
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No. He wouldn't call.
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Why not? I made him up.
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It could be Visa increasing your limit.
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Oh!
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Hello. Sucker.
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Oh, it's you, Mr. Sheffield.
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Well, where are you?
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Oh, he sounds like he's had too much to drink.
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All right. Stay where you are. I'm gonna come and get you.
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I'll get my coat. Don't bother.
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Goodbye, Miss Fine.
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Well, hello, Miss Fine.
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Oh, someone's 100 proof. Don't light a match.
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Why so shocked?
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Your father never came home inebriated?
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No. We're Jewish.
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He came home gaseous.
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Never lit a match then, either.
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♪♪ If you want my body ♪♪
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♪♪ And you think I'm sexy ♪♪
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♪♪ Come on sugar tell me so ♪♪
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Okay, Mr. Sheffield, calm down.
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That's not even attractive from Rod Stewart any more.
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SINGER:♪♪ She was working in a bridal shop in Flushing, Queens ♪♪
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♪♪ 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out ♪♪
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♪♪ In one of those crushing scenes ♪♪
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♪♪ What was she to do? Where was she to go? ♪♪
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♪♪ She was out on her fanny ♪♪
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♪♪ So over the bridge from Flushing to the Sheffields' door ♪♪
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♪♪ She was there to sell makeup, but the father saw more ♪♪
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♪♪ She had style! She had flair! She was there! ♪♪
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♪♪ That's how she became the nanny! ♪♪
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♪♪ Who would have guessed that the girl we've described ♪♪
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♪♪ Was just exactly what the doctor prescribed? ♪♪
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♪♪ Now the father finds her beguiling ♪♪
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♪♪ Watch out, C.C.! ♪♪
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♪♪ And the kids are actually smiling ♪♪
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♪♪ Such joie de vivre! ♪♪
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♪♪ She's the lady in red when everybody else is wearing tan ♪♪
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♪♪ The flashy girl from Flushing ♪♪
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♪♪ The nanny named Fran!
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[LOUD CRACKLING]
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[LOUD SCRAPING]
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[LOUD CLANKING]
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(NOISES CONTINUING)
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(THEME FROMJAWS)
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No!
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Good morning, everyone!
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[GROANING]
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Dad, are you sick?
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No, no, no. I'm feeling fine, Margaret.
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That's Gracie.
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Oh, when did we have her?
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Never mind when we had her. When can we start making another one?
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Miss Fine, leave Mr. Sheffield alone.
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He's in a very vulnerable state.
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Niles, isn't that my watch?
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Oh, yes, sir, and thank you. I love it.
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Well, I hope last night was worth this morning.
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You know, you really shouldn't drink like that.
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Miss Fine, you're a beautiful woman.
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Do you find me attractive?
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On the other hand, a little booze is good for the heart.
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Not one woman spoke to me at that party last night the whole evening.
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As a matter of fact, they all avoided me like the plague.
96
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Well, maybe it's because of that.
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I beg your pardon?
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Your wedding ring.
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You know, believe it or not,
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some women find it a turnoff.
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Conjures up images of a beautiful house,
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three children, a nanny with a 20-inch waist.
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You know, Miss Fine, you might think this foolish,
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but wearing this ring helps me to remember my wife.
105
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Oh, you're never gonna forget her.
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Just look at Maggie's smile
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or Gracie's eyes or Brighton's...
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Did your wife take any trips?
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Let me ask you something.
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When you fill out your taxes,
111
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what do you put in marital status?
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"S" or "M"? "S."
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All right. So you told Uncle Sam you're single.
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Maybe it's time you told yourself.
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But I want to be an "M" again.
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Yeah, well, I want to be an "M," too.
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But first you gotta get out there and make an "S" out of yourself.
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Try this, sir. It's my father's hangover remedy.
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Oh, thank you, Niles.
120
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Oh, Niles,
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it's far too early in the morning for anything this repulsive.
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Hello, hello.
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Mr. Sheffield wants you to go home and come back in an hour.
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It isn't working. So sorry.
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Forgot the hair of the dog.
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Ow!
127
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Maxwell, look at this.
128
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Andrew Lloyd Webber's made theNew York Times crossword puzzle.
129
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What? Why can't I be in a bloody crossword puzzle?
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I've produced more plays than he has.
131
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Yeah, and your plays are better than his
132
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'cause you can always get tickets for yours
133
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and his are sold out for months.
134
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What?
135
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Maxwell, what have I been telling you for the past 10 years?
136
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"Send that chorus boy to my room"?
137
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No. Get yourself...
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No!
139
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Get yourself a publicist.
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I know just the person. Sydney Mercer.
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He's an old coot, but he is the best PR man in the business.
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No, C.C. Forget it.
143
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Self-promotion is so tacky.
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No. Not if you do it right.
145
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Get the guy that's handling Hugh Grant's hooker.
146
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She's coming across very classy.
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Fran, what you doing?
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Oh, Weight Watchers is very strict.
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They only allow you one cookie.
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[DOORBELL RINGING]
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Hi. I'm Sydney Mercer.
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Miss Babcock is expecting me.
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Oh, no, she's not.
154
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I'm gonna go tell Miss Babcock.
155
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Oh, no, no, no. Butler's job. Butler's job.
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Come on in.
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Are you Mrs. Sheffield?
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Oh, no, I'm not his wife.
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I just live with him, run his life, and raise his kids.
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I'm Fran, the nanny. Come on in.
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Niles...Niles, what is so damn important?
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And may I present Sydney Mercer.
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[LAUGHING]
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I know Sydney Mercer.
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He's a fat, old, womanizing geezer.
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He's my father.
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And funny.
168
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Oh, love that guy.
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Miss Mercer, right this way.
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Mr. Sheffield's sorry he's kept you.
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We're all sorry he's kept you.
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Max, you are a publicist's dream.
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You are devastatingly handsome, sexy,
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and incredibly debonair.
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(GIGGLES)
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Wait. She hasn't even seen him do his Rod Stewart yet.
177
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Your only problem is that you have kept yourself a secret.
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Yes, yes, I'm a secret.
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I was just telling everyone what a secret I was, right?
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-He's such a secret. -Yeah, a secret, all right.
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Oh, Max, we are gonna have so much fun together.
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Just put yourself in my hands.
183
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Whoa. Whoa.
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Before Maxwell puts anything in your hands,
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he must discuss this with his partner.
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We make all our important decisions together.
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You're hired.
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Maxwell, I want a man.
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The last one deflated when she nibbled his ear.
190
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And to think this morning I was so recalcitrant.
191
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Eggs always do that to him.
192
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Miss Fine, why are you here?
193
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I don't know. Everyone was walking this way.
194
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Oh, look, Sydney got Mr. Sheffield
195
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on the cover of People
196
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Yeah. The worst dressed list.
197
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Meanwhile, only the hippest and trendiest people end up on that list.
198
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They got Marsha Clark on the best dressed. Case closed.
199
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Oh. Meanwhile, I think he looks gorgeous.
200
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But who's that cheap floozy squeezing into the picture behind him?
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Oh! I'm inPeople
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Listen to this. Liz Smith.
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"Broadway producer, Maxwell Sheffield
204
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"has hired the young, vivacious Sydney Mercer to promote him."
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Promote, my ass.
206
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All right. But we'll need a two-page spread.
207
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Hello, people.
208
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Anyone catch me onRicki Lake?
209
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Yes. And you looked gorgeous.
210
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Oh, that Bea Arthur was making such eyes for you.
211
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Whoa. If it isn't the lost Baldwin brother, Pappy.
212
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You know, darling, I think we should celebrate our success.
213
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How's this sound to you?
214
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The Rainbow Room.
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Dinner, dancing.
216
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Free tonight?
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As a bird.
218
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Oh, so I can take care of the kids.
219
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Darling, there is no one I would rather have dinner with.
220
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See you at 8:00?
221
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Oh, did you see how many holes he has in his jeans?
222
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12. 12.
223
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Well, I talked him out of the leather pants.
224
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Then I spent the next hour
225
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getting him out of the leather pants.
226
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Took you an hour to get a pair of pants off of a man?
227
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Next time, try wearing a little Chanel No. 5 and a tube top.
228
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Miss Fine, this is serious.
229
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Our little boy is noticing girls.
230
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Oh, please, he's not ready to take the plunge with Sydney.
231
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The man is a scared, timid little puppy.
232
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Woof!
233
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Well, night all. And don't wait up.
234
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Well, wait a minute. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
235
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There's something different about you.
236
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[GASPS] You took off your wedding ring.
237
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My bloody hand's in my pocket.
238
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How could you possibly know that?
239
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Oh, I could spot a man without a wedding ring a mile away.
240
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Oh, there's one. There's one.
241
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There's another one.
242
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What the hell am I doing in here?
243
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Well, Niles, what do you think of the new look, huh?
244
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Oh, it's fantastic, sir.
245
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Yes. I'd take all those Brooks Brothers suits
246
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and just give them away.
247
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Good idea. Get rid of them for me, would you?
248
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Yes. I'll make all the alterations... Arrangements.
249
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Well, Miss Fine, you were right.
250
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I think I really was hiding behind my ring.
251
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Truth is, I was terrified of getting hurt.
252
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But now, thanks to you, I think I've really met the one.
253
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Ohhh.
254
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Well, the guy's in love.
255
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I couldn't be happier for him.
256
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Think it'll last?
257
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Miss Fine, you're not concerned about your position?
258
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Niles, you dog.
259
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No. In the household, Miss Fine.
260
00:14:08,216 --> 00:14:10,200
Oh, what have I got to be worried about?
261
00:14:10,233 --> 00:14:13,183
That he'll bring home a wife who'll take care of the kids,
262
00:14:13,216 --> 00:14:16,000
feed them lunch, send them off to school?
263
00:14:16,330 --> 00:14:17,333
I don't do that.
264
00:14:19,233 --> 00:14:22,250
Well, I better go upstairs and clean out a few of his drawers.
265
00:14:22,283 --> 00:14:24,116
Niles, she's not moving in yet.
266
00:14:24,150 --> 00:14:26,416
I know. I need some shirts to go with my new suits.
267
00:14:29,183 --> 00:14:30,266
[DOORBELL RINGING]
268
00:14:30,300 --> 00:14:32,316
I'll get it. I'll get it.
269
00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:39,000
-Oh. -Hello, Fran. Is Maxwell ready?
270
00:14:39,330 --> 00:14:40,316
Well, what are you doing here?
271
00:14:40,350 --> 00:14:42,333
He just left to go to the Rainbow Room.
272
00:14:42,366 --> 00:14:45,100
Oh, no. I thought I was supposed to meet him here.
273
00:14:45,133 --> 00:14:48,330
Oh, you better hurry up, because if he eats too late,
274
00:14:48,660 --> 00:14:50,116
he gets terrible indigestion.
275
00:14:50,150 --> 00:14:52,660
But if that happens,
276
00:14:52,100 --> 00:14:55,160
don't let him take anything but two Mylanta gelcaps.
277
00:14:55,500 --> 00:14:57,183
Oh, wait. I'll give you some.
278
00:14:59,160 --> 00:15:01,660
And I just want to wish you
279
00:15:01,100 --> 00:15:03,250
all the happiness in the world.
280
00:15:03,283 --> 00:15:05,366
You will be needing a nanny, won't you?
281
00:15:06,433 --> 00:15:09,266
What are we talking about?
282
00:15:09,300 --> 00:15:12,330
Well, $500 a week plus dental.
283
00:15:12,660 --> 00:15:15,416
Fran, you are way off.
284
00:15:15,450 --> 00:15:18,116
Okay. $350 and a Waterpik.
285
00:15:22,233 --> 00:15:24,183
No. I mean Maxwell.
286
00:15:24,216 --> 00:15:26,483
I'm not interested in him that way.
287
00:15:27,160 --> 00:15:30,100
Well, what's the matter? He's not good enough for you?
288
00:15:30,133 --> 00:15:32,116
It's his gender.
289
00:15:32,150 --> 00:15:35,830
Oh, believe me, I accidentally saw him in the shower,
290
00:15:35,116 --> 00:15:37,416
and there's nothing wrong with his gender.
291
00:15:42,830 --> 00:15:44,316
Fran, I'm gay.
292
00:15:44,350 --> 00:15:46,450
[GASPING]
293
00:15:46,483 --> 00:15:49,166
You're gay?
294
00:15:49,200 --> 00:15:51,316
Oh, thank God.
295
00:16:01,383 --> 00:16:03,150
Uh.
296
00:16:05,366 --> 00:16:09,350
Uh, I'm letting go and you're not. Why?
297
00:16:11,483 --> 00:16:13,250
Aren't you gay, too?
298
00:16:13,283 --> 00:16:15,233
Me? No.
299
00:16:15,266 --> 00:16:18,200
I just assumed. You're over 30.
300
00:16:18,233 --> 00:16:20,330
You've never been married.
301
00:16:20,660 --> 00:16:21,350
There's no man in your life.
302
00:16:21,383 --> 00:16:24,466
Oh, honey, I'm not gay. I'm just pathetic.
303
00:16:32,830 --> 00:16:34,500
Too bad. I would have asked you out.
304
00:16:34,830 --> 00:16:36,183
Oh, great. A gorgeous professional
305
00:16:36,216 --> 00:16:38,383
finally asks me out and it's a woman.
306
00:16:40,133 --> 00:16:42,830
You're not Jewish, are you?
307
00:16:43,166 --> 00:16:45,150
Sorry. Oh, too bad.
308
00:16:45,183 --> 00:16:47,383
We were this close to making my mother happy.
309
00:16:51,333 --> 00:16:54,830
I feel like this whole thing is my fault.
310
00:16:54,116 --> 00:16:56,300
Oh, don't blame yourself.
311
00:16:56,333 --> 00:16:58,466
But how could you do this to him?
312
00:16:59,000 --> 00:17:02,330
Couldn't you see he was falling for you?
313
00:17:02,660 --> 00:17:04,416
You're not enjoying this, are you?
314
00:17:09,830 --> 00:17:10,483
Fran, how was I to know?
315
00:17:11,160 --> 00:17:13,283
We just had business lunches.
316
00:17:13,316 --> 00:17:15,383
I talked, he listened.
317
00:17:15,416 --> 00:17:18,233
Does that mean he wants to have sex with me?
318
00:17:18,266 --> 00:17:21,133
Yes.
319
00:17:21,166 --> 00:17:23,116
That's why they listen.
320
00:17:23,150 --> 00:17:25,000
That's why they buy you dinner.
321
00:17:25,330 --> 00:17:28,183
That's why they tell you they like your voice, it's not too nasal.
322
00:17:28,216 --> 00:17:29,350
Oh.
323
00:17:31,316 --> 00:17:34,250
Fran, I really want to keep Max as a client.
324
00:17:34,283 --> 00:17:36,330
How can I make this up to him?
325
00:17:36,660 --> 00:17:38,160
Oh, I don't know.
326
00:17:38,500 --> 00:17:42,333
The poor man's sitting alone in a restaurant, his heart on his sleeve,
327
00:17:42,366 --> 00:17:46,350
vulnerable, ready to make a commitment to a woman...
328
00:17:50,500 --> 00:17:53,250
Taxi! Taxi! Taxi!
329
00:17:55,233 --> 00:17:58,266
Wait. Hold the elevator. Hold the elevator.
330
00:18:00,150 --> 00:18:03,266
Miss Fine, what on Earth are you doing here?
331
00:18:03,300 --> 00:18:06,283
Um, my eye doctor's in this building.
332
00:18:07,366 --> 00:18:10,500
And you're dressed like that?
333
00:18:10,830 --> 00:18:14,183
Oh, would you look at what I put on!
334
00:18:14,216 --> 00:18:17,150
Well, thank God he could take me on Saturday night.
335
00:18:19,333 --> 00:18:21,133
Mr. Sheffield, what do you think of
336
00:18:21,166 --> 00:18:25,233
when a woman is in her 30s, gorgeous, and never been married?
337
00:18:25,266 --> 00:18:28,166
Oh, don't worry, Miss Fine. You'll meet someone.
338
00:18:28,200 --> 00:18:29,433
Not me. I was talking about...
339
00:18:29,466 --> 00:18:31,350
Oh, you think I'm gorgeous?
340
00:18:33,830 --> 00:18:34,300
What's your point?
341
00:18:34,333 --> 00:18:37,830
Never mind. How long have you thought I was gorgeous?
342
00:18:37,116 --> 00:18:39,333
Miss Fine, I have a date with Sydney.
343
00:18:39,366 --> 00:18:42,333
Oh, no, you don't. She's gay. Let's focus on me.
344
00:18:45,000 --> 00:18:46,233
What did you say?
345
00:18:46,266 --> 00:18:48,100
I said let's focus on me.
346
00:18:48,133 --> 00:18:49,416
Miss Fine!
347
00:18:51,250 --> 00:18:53,216
FRAN: Oh, no. The elevator's stuck!
348
00:18:53,250 --> 00:18:55,166
MAXWELL: Just keep calm. FRAN: I think we're stuck!
349
00:18:55,200 --> 00:18:58,000
MAXWELL: It's gonna be okay, Miss Fine.
350
00:18:58,330 --> 00:18:59,433
What are you doing?
351
00:19:01,216 --> 00:19:05,660
FRAN: I'm looking for the emergency phone.
352
00:19:05,100 --> 00:19:07,660
MAXWELL: That's not it.
353
00:19:13,416 --> 00:19:16,283
FRAN: Oh, well, then I'd better stop talking into it.
354
00:19:20,383 --> 00:19:23,400
Oh, well, at least the lights came back on.
355
00:19:25,000 --> 00:19:27,350
I can't believe Sydney's gay.
356
00:19:27,383 --> 00:19:31,316
Oh, God, what an idiot I've made of myself.
357
00:19:31,350 --> 00:19:33,333
Oh, wait a minute. What am I saying?
358
00:19:33,366 --> 00:19:35,233
She doesn't know how I feel about her.
359
00:19:35,266 --> 00:19:38,000
Oh, well, don't be so sure.
360
00:19:38,330 --> 00:19:39,200
You know, women have a sixth sense...
361
00:19:39,233 --> 00:19:40,316
You told her?
362
00:19:40,350 --> 00:19:42,133
Oh, yeah.
363
00:19:42,166 --> 00:19:44,000
You know, Miss Fine, my one regret
364
00:19:44,330 --> 00:19:46,160
is that the cable on this elevator might snap
365
00:19:46,500 --> 00:19:48,166
before I can get my hands around your throat.
366
00:19:48,200 --> 00:19:50,350
That's your one regret?
367
00:19:50,383 --> 00:19:53,416
Not the revival ofFiddler starring Lyle Waggoner?
368
00:19:53,450 --> 00:19:55,200
Miss Fine!
369
00:20:01,383 --> 00:20:04,216
Would you just calm down? Relax.
370
00:20:04,250 --> 00:20:07,450
Let's just sit down and take it easy.
371
00:20:07,483 --> 00:20:11,250
Eventually, someone will come and get us out of here.
372
00:20:13,660 --> 00:20:14,830
[SIGHING]
373
00:20:14,116 --> 00:20:15,466
Oh, what a waste.
374
00:20:16,000 --> 00:20:18,466
You know, upstairs I have an intimate table for two waiting,
375
00:20:19,000 --> 00:20:23,200
a violinist, champagne chilling on ice, cracked crab.
376
00:20:23,233 --> 00:20:27,166
All right, give me a boost. We're making a break.
377
00:20:27,200 --> 00:20:29,350
Let me take this off. Jacket.
378
00:20:33,216 --> 00:20:35,233
[GRUNTING]
379
00:20:37,316 --> 00:20:39,433
It's only one floor away.
380
00:20:39,466 --> 00:20:43,450
Oh, it's right over there where that rat just went.
381
00:20:43,483 --> 00:20:45,200
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
382
00:20:45,233 --> 00:20:46,350
There's a rat. There's a rat.
383
00:20:46,383 --> 00:20:48,160
Oh, Mr. Sheffield.
384
00:20:48,500 --> 00:20:49,300
Miss...Miss... Miss Fine, it's all right.
385
00:20:49,333 --> 00:20:51,283
Just calm down, Miss Fine.
386
00:20:51,316 --> 00:20:54,333
Just remember he's more afraid of you than you are of him.
387
00:20:54,366 --> 00:20:56,500
Oh, I don't think so.
388
00:20:56,830 --> 00:20:58,116
Right now he's looking at my hair thinking,
389
00:20:58,150 --> 00:21:01,250
"Is that a one-bedroom or a two?"
390
00:21:03,000 --> 00:21:05,830
Pull me down. Pull me down. Pull me down.
391
00:21:05,116 --> 00:21:09,330
Oh, good news and bad news, Miss Fine.
392
00:21:09,660 --> 00:21:10,466
The bad news is you're stuck.
393
00:21:11,000 --> 00:21:14,350
Oh, well, what's the good news?
394
00:21:14,383 --> 00:21:18,183
You've got your money's worth on that Thigh Master.
395
00:21:21,416 --> 00:21:25,283
Help!
396
00:21:25,316 --> 00:21:26,450
Oh, my God.
397
00:21:26,483 --> 00:21:28,116
What? Another rat?
398
00:21:28,150 --> 00:21:32,300
Worse. There's an echo in here.
399
00:21:32,333 --> 00:21:35,450
I just heard my own voice.
400
00:21:38,133 --> 00:21:39,166
[BAND PLAYING]
401
00:21:39,200 --> 00:21:41,466
Oh, the band's
402
00:21:42,160 --> 00:21:45,266
beginning to play.
403
00:21:45,300 --> 00:21:50,500
Oh. How I love this song.
404
00:21:50,830 --> 00:21:52,483
Want to dance? No, Miss Fine.
405
00:21:53,160 --> 00:21:57,266
If you don't mind, I'd rather sit this one out.
406
00:21:57,300 --> 00:22:00,116
Maybe I should sit out the next five years,
407
00:22:00,150 --> 00:22:02,183
then I wouldn't have to feel this way again.
408
00:22:02,216 --> 00:22:07,330
Oh, Mr. Sheffield, don't be so hard on yourself.
409
00:22:07,660 --> 00:22:11,316
Take it from me, you're a real catch.
410
00:22:13,000 --> 00:22:16,133
When the right woman comes along,
411
00:22:16,166 --> 00:22:20,830
believe me, you'll know it.
412
00:22:21,483 --> 00:22:24,830
Thank you, Miss Fine.
413
00:22:24,116 --> 00:22:26,433
But I'm afraid I wouldn't know the right woman for me
414
00:22:26,466 --> 00:22:28,333
if she fell out of the sky.
415
00:22:28,366 --> 00:22:30,330
(EXCLAIMING]
416
00:22:32,500 --> 00:22:35,216
[MUSIC PLAYING]
30632
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