Original subtitles

♪

-♪ Hey, everybody, have you heard the news? ♪

♪ Joe Bob is back in town ♪

♪ He's over at the drive-in, hanging around ♪

♪ Watching crazy movies, so come on down ♪

♪ To Joe Bob's "Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ Blood, beasties, boobies, and more ♪

♪ Joe Bob's "Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ It's a spooky good time with monsters and ghosts ♪

♪ Crazy, kooky fun with the world's greatest host ♪

♪ Joe Bob's "Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ It's gonna be legendary ♪

♪ Joe Bob's "Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ It's gonna be very scary ♪

♪ Joe Bob's "Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ Let's go ♪

♪

-Welcome, everybody to "Joe Bob's Beelzebub Bash,"

our annual double-feature celebration

of our favorite night of the year.

The night when the spirit world

and the fleshly world get way too close

and dead people start crossing over

and living people start freaking out.

And the ruler of the night

in most versions of Halloween is Satan,

and we thought it was about time to honor the tempter of mankind,

the Master of Hell, the Prince of the Devil's.

And Darcy, that is the most amazing Satan mask ever created,

and it was used in the first movie

that we're watching tonight, "Satan's Little Helper."

Or wait...

Are you indeed Darcy the Mail Girl?

How can we know? Give us a sign. Oh, okay.

Yeah, okay. Alright. I'll accept that.

Darcy the Mail Girl, ladies and gentlemen,

here to accept your tweets, your emails,

your insta's, your TikToks,

your letters sent by people

who cut letters out of magazines

and paste them on a page.

And she will be tweeting all night

and spreading satanic spirit all night.

Right, Darcy? Alright.

Satan is evil, but Satan is also sexy, right?

[Laughter]

We know that from our annual Walpurgisnacht celebration

where the witches fly to the bracken

to dirty dance with the devil.

And Darcy has been there twice

and debauched with the debauchies.

Right?

[Laughter]

Alright.

I'm gonna ask you questions all night.

And so we're just going to play charades, okay?

Alright. Oh, man.

Who are we talking about when we talk about Satan?

If we go to the Hebrew Scriptures,

which is where the name Satan first appears,

we're talking about an angel named Lucifer

who was the most beautiful of all the angels.

He was a Chippendales dancer with a body

like Michelangelo's David.

And he partied so hard that he developed delusions of grandeur.

And during one of his record setting gang bangs or something,

he got cast into hell with his posse of demons

for trying to be greater than God.

And ever since then, his message has been, "Hey, let's party!"

And his second message has been,

"There's an open bar at the party,

but you have to pay to leave."

And of course, we know this from the story of Faust,

where Mephistopheles gives Faust 24 years

of getting whatever he wants power, sex, money,

unlimited first-class air travel, athletic prowess,

67 million followers on Instagram

who admire his deltoids and lol every joke he ever makes.

And then, hey doc, it's payday,

and somebody revokes his backstage pass.

And, uh, speaking of which,

the guy who plays the dad in this movie

we're about to watch Wass Stevens is the guy's name.

Used to be the doorman at this nightclub

called Avenue on 10th Avenue

in New York City in the Meatpacking District.

He is permanently banned from the Drive-in Academy Awards

because apparently, my western apparel

was not cool enough to get into Avenue.

So, yes, I got turned away at the velvet rope

by a minor player in "Satan's Little Helper."

I will live with the humiliation the rest of my life.

So sorry for that digression. Alright.

[Laughs]

You Darcy, on the other hand,

you would have sailed right in with that mask and that dress.

You would have got into Avenue easily.

Alright, because you know how to rock the red carpet.

You do that all the time.

Anyway, as I was saying, this is Satan's night.

This is the night when he runs around,

luring people into various stages of depravity.

And the reason he's able to do that

is everybody is wearing a mask.

It's like the one day of the year

when you're not going to be responsible for anything you do.

And my buddy Jeff Lieberman took that idea --

the idea that you never really know who anybody is on a day

when the whole world is cosplaying --

and he didn't just run with it, he launched it into outer space.

So this is one of your favorite all time pictures.

Right, Darcy? [Laughs]

You are so into that mask.

[Laughter]

You are loving that mask too much.

You're like on an LSD trip that involves naked trampoline tricks

and hypodermic needles used like water guns

at the blood beach, so.

[Laughter]

You don't know what I said?

I don't know what I said, alright.

Anyway, Jeff Lieberman is going to join us here later tonight

and reveal the origin story of "Satan's Little Helper"

and perform several satanic rites on Darcy.

You know, I think it's what he said.

Anyway, we'll ask him when he gets out here.

And in the meantime...

I know. I know what that gesture means.

You don't have to tell me, alright.

In the meantime, what we have here

is the sensitive story

of little 9-year-old Dougie Whooly,

who just wants to go trick-or-treating

with his big sister Jenna,

and also find Satan,

the star of his hand-held video game

called Satan's Little Helper.

Dougie loves the game so much

that he's gone all in on the idea

of being the best little helper

the Prince of Darkness has ever had.

Only Jenna comes home from college

with her new boyfriend Alex, making Dougie distraught.

So Dougie goes out to find Satan on his own.

He comes across a guy in a vaguely devil-like costume,

arranging dead bodies on a lawn.

And before you can say, "Hail, Satan!"

Dougie's bringing a serial killer home

and tagging along on a murder spree.

Sure, we've seen it before,

but have we seen it with Amanda Plummer

in a Carmen Miranda costume with her mouth taped shut?

I think not.

Let's take a look at those Drive-In totals.

We have 15 dead bodies,

4 breasts, 1 dead cat,

candy poisoning,

punch poisoning,

disembowelment, death by packing tape,

one self-inflicted gunshot wound,

butcher knife to the stomach,

Fireplace poker to the head,

1 unhealthy fascination with Satan,

1 unwelcome boyfriend.

1 Renaissance slut...

[Laughter]

...who has a costume entirely necessary to the plot,

I might add,

panty sniffing,

dead cat finger painting,

groping under false pretenses,

serial-killer-supply shopping,

stabbing, old-lady hanging,

pharmaceutical appropriation,

shopping cart fu.

Drive-In Academy Award nominations for --

Alexander Brickel as Dougie,

for being best buddies with Satan, and for saying,

"We're going to find Satan and I'll show him

what a good little helper I am."

Katheryn Winnick as Dougie's sister Jenna,

for wearing the Renaissance slut costume and for saying,

"I can't believe my own mother

is trying to turn me into a whore."

Amanda Plummer as the neurotic mom for acting her heart out --

she's just great in this --

while wrapped in packing, packing tape

and for saying, "Actually, I was just stoned."

Joshua Annex,

who steals the show as Satan

for one of the greatest wordless,

faceless performances ever,

and Jeff Lieberman, the writer-director,

for being so politically incorrect he gets a laugh

for assaulting an old lady using a walker.

Four stars -- Joe Bob says, "Check it out."

[Chuckles]

And I would say, Darcy,

that between us we represent

the two classic Satanic approaches.

You like the beard?

[Laughter]

See this -- This is -- This is Satan's appearance

when he's being smooth and charming

and seducing people into evil.

What, you don't like the beard?

Alright, alright.

And then your costume is

when you look right into the face of Satan,

you know, it's Satan.

Sometimes you're staring at a goat head or something,

but below the neck, you got that come-hither thing going on.

And so -- And so you come-hither.

Um, or you you might be Lilith, actually.

The, um... What do you call her?

She's the primordial she-demon.

Lilith was the first feminist.

Actually -- Actually...

Satan in the form of a serpent was the first feminist.

Because the -- What does the serpent say?

The serpent said, eat the goddamn apple.

He's not the boss of you. Right?

And so Satan is the first to say,

women are not here for your amusement, Mr. Big Shot.

And so Eve eats the apple

from the tree of knowledge of good and evil,

and we get all the problems of the world.

I love it when you can't talk, Lilith.

[Laughter]

♪

[Evil chuckling]

♪

[Woman screams]

♪

-10 points. 50 points.

Bonus points. 100 points.

Mom, he's ripping his guts out.

[Evil chuckling]

Oh, guardian angel. Crap.

Oh, no, God's getting us.

[Soft music playing]

♪

♪

Mom, there's a blind man. Oh, nice.

♪

♪

Yes. Cool.

50 points.

♪

10 points.

50 points.

I'm getting so good at being helper...

-Dougie, shh, I'm on the phone.

-Can I play online, if all my homework's done?

-Yeah, Betty.

No, I'm in the car.

I'm going to pick up Jenna at the ferry.

She came home to spend Halloween with her brother.

Is that true love or what?

-Jenna's my girlfriend. I'm gonna marry her.

-He says he's gonna marry her. -Yeah!

-I don't think they got up to the word "incest"

in the third grade yet.

-You said "sex." -I said "incest."

And don't be so snoopy. Play your game.

She always takes Dougie out on Halloween.

She doesn't want to break the tradition.

I know.

-When Jenna takes me, we're gonna find Satan,

and I'm gonna show him what a good helper I am.

There really is a Satan, right?

-That's why I was calling you. I do have a costume.

I'm putting together this Carmen Miranda

and Chiquita Banana type thing.

It came to me in a dream.

Actually, I was stoned.

Huh!

-So is there? -What? Is there what there?

-A Satan in real life?

-Um, hey, Betty, can you hold on a sec?

Well...

ah, for man,

Satan represents evil.

And evil does occur here and everywhere in the whole world.

And so, in that sense, Satan does exist,

except that he doesn't look like anything.

He -- He doesn't go running around

with horns and a tail.

Unless, of course, he's wearing a costume

like this little helper does.

-Yes!

-Hey, Betty, I see the ferry.

♪

♪

-Jenna!

Jenna!

Jenna!

Jenna!

♪

-Dougie!

♪

[Metal sliding]

-Ahh, Dougie! -Jenna!

-Oh, I missed you so much.

-Okay, we're gonna find Satan when we go trick-or-treating.

-We are? Let's see the costume.

Oh, Satan's Little Helper. That's so cool.

-Mom made it. -She did?

Well, then we better find Satan.

-And I can do karate.

-Oh, I'd better watch out.

Oh, Mom.

Where's Dad? -Oh, he's at work.

-On a Saturday?

-Well, it's either that or he's having an affair.

-Mom.

-Show me your hands. Come on, show me.

Oh, you're biting them again. -Don't embarrass me.

-Mom, Dougie, this is Alex.

-Hi. -Hello.

-Dougie, I've heard so much about you.

-We met up at school, then we discovered

we're both from Bell Island and both theater majors, too.

-Kind of a Kismet thing. -I'll say.

-And since I was coming home for Halloween

and it's Alex's favorite holiday too,

I figure we can all go trick-or-treating together.

-No! -Dougie.

He gets kind of possessive.

-He's had his heart set on marrying her.

Now, you're a competition.

-Listen, I don't have to go trick-or-treating with you guys

if it's gonna ruin your plans with your brother.

-No, no, he just needs to get used to you.

I'm sure he'll be fine.

[Seagulls squawking]

-So, how is it that you guys never met before, I mean,

at least in high school?

-Uh, I didn't go to Bell Island High.

-So what? You went to boarding school?

Boarding schools suck. -Dougie.

-Believe me, boarding school was not my first choice.

-His dad forced him.

-Forced him? That's not very nice.

By the way, am I taking you home?

-Actually, he's coming to our house.

He might stay over. We're not sure.

-What? Oh.

[Woman screams]

[Video game playing]

♪

[Horn blows]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Car doors open, closes]

-Dougie, where are you going?

-To find Satan.

And without you.

-Wait!

[Birds chirping]

What's with all this Satan stuff all of a sudden?

-Oh, your Dad got him this new video game called

"Satan's Little Helper."

He's got it on this, on his computer.

[Woman screams] Whoa, ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Video game playing]

-Mom. -What?

-The door?

-Take this, please.

-Alex, our house.

House, meet Alex.

-Nice. Very homey.

-You don't have to do that.

-Oh, I can't help it.

When my dad divorced my mom,

he took one of his girlfriends with him to Japan.

Brought back the whole "no shoes in the house" policy.

Beat it into my head ever since.

-Can't wait to see what you've got for costumes this year.

-Actually, we don't have anything.

We've been totally racking our brains

but can't come up with a thing.

-Theater majors, shame on you.

-[Laughs] I know. It's totally weird.

-Would you like to wear what I made for myself last Halloween?

-A Renaissance slut? [Laughs]

I still don't know what you were thinking.

-Alex, help me here, will you? She is an actress, isn't she?

-Last I heard. -Mother, that is so not me.

-Come on, I still have it all in the attic.

You get undressed. I'll go look for it.

Alex, make yourself at home.

-[Groans] -And as soon as we're finished,

I'll see if I can help you out.

If you get bored, play with this.

-No, Mom. -Come back here, you.

Come up the stairs.

[Footsteps thudding]

[Woman screams]

[Video game playing]

[Soft music playing]

♪

♪

♪

♪

-What the heck are you supposed to be, Whooly?

Satan's Little Helper. That is so gay.

-Just wait till I find Satan and he sends you all to hell.

Let's see how you laugh then. -Yeah, right.

[High-pitched cackling]

[Cackling continues]

-Duh.

♪

[Gasps]

[Sinister music playing]

♪

Ah, that is great.

♪

[Giggles]

That looks so real.

Ha. Ohh.

♪

[Birds chirping]

-Oh, my God, they're like melons.

-Yep, you are a lusty wench.

-I can't let Alex see me like this. We just met.

I mean, you know, started dating.

Actually, it's our first official date,

and I can't believe my own mother's

trying to turn me into a whore.

-What is this about Alex not wanting to go home?

-He doesn't get along with his Dad.

He didn't even tell him he was coming.

-Why? -Same old.

He doesn't want him acting.

Wants him to take over his toupee business.

-His toupee business. His toupee --

[Both laugh]

You look at -- look at yourself now.

Want some cider?

-Isn't that a bit too much makeup, my lady?

Nah, the more, the better.

Not that the blokes be looking at me face

when they got these tender morsels in their hands.

[Giggles]

♪

[Flies buzzing]

♪

♪

♪

[Children playing]

-Trick or treat!

♪

♪

♪

-Ahh!

♪

[Video game playing]

♪

[Dog whimpering]

[Woman screams]

♪

-Well, what do you think?

-Wow! -[Chuckles]

-You look stunning. -Really?

[Giggles]

-I can't believe your mom wore that for Halloween.

-I know.

Well, what you gonna be for All Hallows Eve, eh?

-You know, I was just thinking.

Your brother's so into this game,

maybe I'll dress as Satan for him for Halloween.

-Oh, that's a great idea.

-I figured, I've lived with Satan all my life.

It should be easy to draw from him to get the character down.

-Hey, Alex! Cider? -Sure.

-Uh, Mom, Alex got his inspiration.

He's going to be Satan.

-Oh! That's nice.

-I bet this will make Dougie really happy.

I'm sure he'll start warming up to you.

-I hope so.

[Chuckles]

-[Giggles]

♪

♪

♪

-[Gasps]

♪

How the hell does he do that?

♪

♪

Crap, that is so cool.

[Giggles]

[Car approaching]

♪

♪

Awesome.

♪

Are you Satan?

Wait!

I'm Douglas Whooly.

Can I be your helper?

Can you talk?

Then why don't you?

'Cause you don't need to?

[Children laughing]

How many points for killing that old guy?

I forgot.

20? That's all?

So, Master, next,

could we send my sister's new boyfriend, Alex, down to hell?

They go to college together, and they're at my house.

And I only want to go

trick-or-treating with my sister.

And you don't have to worry 'cause my dad's away at work.

♪

♪

Afraid God might see us?

♪

So, can you?

And can I be your helper?

♪

This is gonna be so fun.

♪

[Teapot whistling]

-Well, let's just let this cider cool off a bit.

-Thanks, Jim. This Halloween marks...

-Oh, look, Billy Flarin.

-...Billy Flarin arson incident.

Mayor Flarin assures us that this time around he's going...

-He went to my high school. -...to keep a close eye

on his son, adding that Billy has been born again

and poses no threat to the community.

Nevertheless, fire officials are advising

residents of Bell Island

to extinguish all candles from outside their homes.

Lisa G, WNTC News.

-Bet you didn't have any arsonists at your school.

-No, I guess I missed out.

-I'm gonna go get us some special cider mugs.

-She's so weird. I'm sorry. [Laughs]

♪

-I need to show you something.

♪

If you need me to do karate, I can.

Look.

Hyah!

Was that good?

This could be our secret door to Hell.

[Door creaking]

So cool.

♪

[Door creaking]

♪

♪

I hide down here all the time.

I can make all the noise I want, and no one hears me.

♪

[Light creaking]

♪

♪

♪

♪

You can have some.

Are you wearing a costume

so no one could see what you really look like?

Just like me?

Can I see?

[Sighs]

Okay.

[Bottle shatters] [Laughs]

Oh! That so looks like blood!

[Laughing]

-That is 9-year-old Alexander Brickel

as Dougie, the Satan lover.

And you know, you can go so wrong in a movie like this

with child actors.

But that kid is amazing, so believable, so committed.

The movie has a great cast.

His sister, the sister he wants to marry,

I mean, the movie is three minutes old

and they're already talking about incest.

Oh, that's how you kind of know it's a Jeff Lieberman film.

It's off center. It's weird.

He has a lot in common with Larry Cohen, I think.

Anyway, the sister Doogie wants to marry is played

by Katheryn Winnick, Toronto model turned actress

who was just getting started

when she was cast in "Satan's Little Helper."

She grew up in a Ukrainian family.

She didn't even speak English

until she was 8 years old in Etobicoke, Ontario.

And then she went to New York and did a lot of modeling

and a lot of TV, and was on the initial season

of "The It Factor" on Bravo.

You know, the reality series

about young actors trying to make it.

Only ran for two seasons,

but it was kind of popular at the time.

Anyway, she was the kind of confident personality

who got cast in a lot of shows, but while she was in New York,

she started taking acting seriously,

and she studied with William Esper,

who was one of the first generation

Meisner technique guys.

Very serious work,

and you can sort of see

how effortless her work has become in this movie.

She would later become well known

for the "Vikings" series as Lagertha.

Um, hard to get noticed as one of the women

in a show about vikings,

but somehow she managed to do that.

Maybe because she's a black belt in both taekwondo and karate

and a licensed bodyguard.

But she also starred in the recent David Kelley series

"Big Sky" on ABC.

And then, of course, the mom is played by Amanda Plummer.

Always quirky, always interesting.

We talked about her a lot when we showed "Freeway."

She was the crackhead mom in that.

And you know,

if you're going to make a movie that has Satan in it,

you have got to have the world's best Satan mask.

And I think they nailed it, Darcy.

That thing is awesome.

[Laughter]

But why are we talking about acting?

When I promised a tribute tonight to the father of lies,

the accuser, the enemy, the God of this world,

the ruler of the kingdom of the air,

the evil one, the tempter, the old snake,

the great dragon, the prince of this world,

the Prince of Darkness, the hater of humanity,

the deceiver, the destroyer,

the robber, the misanthrope host,

the spirit hovering above matter,

the hater of beauty, the ape of God,

the chief spirit of evil, The adversary of God,

the tempter of mankind,

Baphomet, the Antichrist, the master of hell,

the Prince of Devils, the Lord of the flies,

Moloch, Lucifer the dragon, the serpent,

the inventor of spam email.

You know what I love about that mask, Darcy?

You can't stop me! You can't do anything.

The wicked one,

the big ass demon bro, you know? [Laughs]

Alright, we obviously need Satan.

That's why he has that many names.

I think it's because if you don't have Satan,

there's nobody to blame.

You know, "Satan made me do it" is actually recognized

by forensic psychiatrists as a real thing.

Schizophrenics sometimes hear voices

that they identify with Satan.

But if you introduce that in court,

you know, this felony, Your Honor, was caused by voices

that the defendant heard and believed to be Satan.

If you introduce that in court,

you know how many times you'll win your case?

Zero!

[Laughter]

No judge or jury has ever accepted

"Satan made me do it" as a viable defense,

even though it exists in mental health studies.

Um, right now Satan is making me wind this up

and get back to the movie.

So let's roll it.

This is so fun that you can't talk.

[Laughter]

"Halloween III" sucks.

[Laughter]

"Scream" sucks.

[Laughter]

You're not gonna react to that.

I just insulted "Scream."

What kind of Satan are you?

I mean...

Actually, you're kind of scary when you don't react.

That's like you're saving it.

Dang, Darcy, I mean...

You know I'm just kidding around.

I didn't...

I didn't mean it, you know?

I love "Scream." I didn't...

"Halloween III," genius.

That was...

Uh...

That was really, really stupid of me to do that.

[Laughter]

♪

-Is Dougie back yet?

-Dougie!

Dougie!

-I'm down here! In hell!

-Well, come on up!

Alex wants to tell you something!

-Okay, I'll get him to come downstairs,

and then you can... gsskk!

Duh. What kind of helper do you think I am?

[Footsteps approaching]

-[Laughs] Did you find Satan?

-No. Come downstairs.

I have to show you something.

-Well, what's up? -Just something.

-Oh, no, now, don't pull on him.

You're gonna make him spill his cider.

Now, everyone, into the dining room, please.

Drink your cider in the dining room.

You want some? -No!

-Well, just go into the dining room and sit with your sister.

She came all the way just to see you.

Go on.

-So, Dougie...

how about I dress as Satan for Halloween?

You could be my little helper, like in the video game.

We can join forces. -No!

-Why not?

You and Alex could be the Satan team from hell

and scare everybody when you go trick-or-treating.

-I need you to come with me to the costume store.

As my official helper, I'm afraid that's an order.

-That's an order.

-Okay.

So I'll go with Alex to the costume store,

and you stay here with Mom.

But wait just one second.

-[Shouts]

-[Chuckles]

-[Sniffing]

-[Whispering] Psst, Master.

It's your helper.

Okay, it's all changed.

I'll go with Alex to the costume store.

You just follow us, and when we come out,

you can just kill him and send him back to hell.

Okay?

Yes!

[Footsteps departing]

-[Sniffing]

-Come on. Let's go.

-Well, I guess we better get going.

-Don't be too long.

-I'll see you later.

-[Laughs]

♪

[Chuckles] Look, they're bonding.

Isn't that cute?

[Laughs]

-Will you stop biting...

-Mm-mnh! [Laughs]

Wait till you see what an incredible actor he is.

He is going to be so scary.

-Sounds like you really like him.

-What makes you say that? -[Laughs]

-Are you jealous, you wench? -Oh!

-Ow! -Ow!

♪

-Ow! [Laughs]

♪

♪

-Allah be praised.

-Hmm...

Jerk.

♪

-Alright, Dougie, this is the place.

You coming? Come on.

[Door creaks]

[Bell jangles]

[Indistinct conversations]

Alright, let's see what we have here.

-[Sighs]

-How's this? -That's not Satan.

[Indistinct chatter]

-[Sighs]

I'm trying to find the one that looks most like my dad.

-Why?

-So I can draw on him for inspiration.

♪

This is perfect.

[Exhales heavily]

[Deep voice] Where's my toupee?

-[Scoffs]

-Here it is.

-Come on.

[Horn honks]

-Hey, Satan!

Where's your pitchfork? [Chuckles]

[Laughs]

[Tires screech]

[Horn honking]

[Bell jangles]

-What, you think you're gonna be a big movie star?

You're gonna be a big nothin', that's all!

-Do you hate him?

-[Normal voice] Well, actually, no,

but he sure hates me.

-Does he hit you?

-[Sighs]

Whenever he gets a chance, yeah.

-Come on.

Let's just pay for that, and let's go.

-Alright.

[Door creaks, bell jangles]

-Come on. Let's go.

-Wait, hold on. Hold on. -Come on.

Come on!

-[Deep voice] Okay, let's go!

♪

-Come on! Come on, it's him!

Get him! -How's he gonna get me?

I'm Satan.

Okay, so, what did you want to show me?

-Just something!

-Well, where is it?

-You'll see soon enough.

Better watch out. Satan's getting you!

-[Normal voice] I don't get it!

I don't get it. How's he gonna get me if I'm Satan?

I don't get it.

♪

[Grunting]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Cat meowing]

[Meowing continues]

♪

♪

[Cat yowls]

[Blood spluttering]

-Boo! [Laughter]

-Uh, pardon me.

Can you pose for a picture?

[Children giggling]

[Laughter]

Thank you so much. You made our day.

♪

♪

-Okay. Yeah.

Smashing the cat against the wall

so you can use it as a graffiti device

to write boo in its blood.

Uh, we're not going to get any happy fan mail for that one.

When I said the movie is politically incorrect,

it is politically incorrect in all ways.

And what did you think of the cat abuse, Darcy?

[Laughter]

Well, obviously this is a particularly nasty satanist.

It's interesting to me

that the Church of Satan still exists today.

Nobody -- Nobody much remembers him today.

But a guy named Anton Szandor LaVey

founded the Church of Satan in San Francisco in 1966,

and then he went Hollywood.

He was always recruiting movie stars to be members,

and he was a day player in several movies himself,

"Rosemary's Baby," "Devil's Reign,"

and he was a big believer in all kinds of kinky sex.

It was the '60s, you know, and he thought carnality,

as he called it, was a big part of being a Satanist.

And then after he died,

a guy named Peter Gilmore became the high priest,

and he moved the headquarters from San Francisco

to Poughkeepsie, New York.

What?!

The Satanic Church cannot be in Poughkeepsie.

You know, that is just wrong.

And they got rid of the kinky sex,

and they talked about how they don't really worship the devil.

And it's all about, "atheism, pride and liberty."

Well, dang people, that's boring.

You can do that without using the devil.

Um, if you're going to worship the devil,

worship the gall dang devil.

You know, light some candles, draw some pentagrams,

make some blood oaths.

Why do you need Satan to do -- to do atheism?

And in fact, listen to this quote.

This -- This is from some kind of official Satanist document.

"Satan to us is a symbol of pride,

liberty and individualism,

and it serves as an external metaphorical projection

of our highest personal potential.

We do not believe in Satan as a being or a person."

Then get out of here!

You know, I want to hear from the church that does serious,

committed devil worship, you know?

If you belong to a church like that, let me know about you.

I'm done with Anton Szandor LaVey people.

But you know who I want to talk to about Satan?

Actually, I want to talk to him about anything.

It's the guy who just walked out of the costume shop

in a Saddam Hussein mask saying, "Allah be praised."

You know who I'm talking about?

I'm talking about writer/director Jeff Lieberman.

Come on over, Jeff. -Yeah!

[Laughter]

Good Saddam Hussein.

[Laughter]

-I think he says salam alaykum -Have a seat.

[Laughing]

Is that what you said? -Yeah.

-Oh, thank you for lending us

the Satan Man mask for the night.

[Laughs]

Um, since it's one of Darcy's favorite movies,

she's having a life moment, uh, even as we speak.

But tell me where you found that mask.

Or did -- did your effects guy build a mask,

or did you find it?

No, I was writing the script,

stoned and I pictured --

I said, this guy

has to be evil and fun at the same time, this duality.

And I went through masks just to have a template.

And I went on, you know, the mask stores online

and all the shit.

And boom, I saw El Diablo. I said, that's it.

I printed him out and put them on my wall behind my computer.

And everything I wrote,

he was doing all these gestures,

so I had to get that mask and they got it.

-Where did you find the mask? -Online.

There was a guy -- -Okay, was it just for sale?

-Well, yeah, it was for sale for $340.

Now, if you would have told the guy this is a movie,

"Satan's Little Helper," and this is Satan,

it's not going to be $340.

So I said to them, don't tell.

We'll buy a lot of masks for the movie.

And this is just one of them.

-Okay. -And that's what we did.

-So you got it for $320.

-Yeah. -Okay.

-Well, we bought two of them.

This is the main one that you see in the movie.

And then when we had stunts,

we had a similar one without the detail.

-Okay.

Well, we were recently together in London, Ontario

for a screening of your other movie

that's having a resurgence in popularity,

"Just Before Dawn,"

which is a slasher that you deny as a slasher.

But that's okay,

because it's a really good slasher

that we will watch in spite of your denial.

And I know your whole thing about being --

You don't like the word "slasher," right?

Even though you made a slasher. -Well, it's not the word.

But it's applying that label to my sacred movie.

[Laughter]

Groundbreaking, pioneering, first of its kind? No.

Otherwise, slash away. -In your -- In your defense.

The term slasher had not been invented

when you made that movie. -That's right.

-But really, since we're here in Georgia,

I have to ask you about "Squirm,"

because "Squirm" was your first feature.

Filmed in rural Georgia, right?

Filmed right around here somewhere?

-No, it was outside of Savannah.

A little town called Port Wentworth.

-Okay. -And I changed it to Fly Creek.

Fictional. -Okay.

But in the age of "Jaws," when people were trying

to come up with the scariest killer creatures

they could think of, you chose worms,

earthworms.

And you made it work by using millions and millions

of slimy earthworms in your movie.

And there's a whole cult around "Squirm" today.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Well, when I wrote the script, there was no "Jaws."

-Oh, you wrote it before "Jaws"?

-Yeah, when I wrote it, yeah. -Okay.

'Cause most of those killer creature movies came out after.

-Well, that -- I don't -- I don't work that way, so.

So it was just that, um, "Jaws" came out

before my movie came out.

-Alright, well, Jeff, we're going to go into

your interesting career.

Uh, would you call it an oddball career?

Because it's, like, all over the lot, you know,

or a strange career for --

Because you're just, like, in every single genre.

-I don't think they have a word. -You know.

There's no word for your career? -No word. Whatever you want.

-As the night goes on, we're going to talk about your career.

But we're also going to talk about Satan.

Now, did you have any real interest in Satan,

or was that just a great horror hook

for this guy in a Satan costume?

-Neither, actually.

Um, it was, uh, Santa's little helper.

It's a cliche. -Santa's little helper?

-Santa's little helper. So that's a cliche.

So I said, what if you made it Satan's little helper,

what would it be?

And I immediately pictured.

You know how kids as Santa's little helper,

they write letters to the North Pole

and they give it to the post office.

So I said, I wrote this letter,

"Dear Satan, would you kill...?" This is how it started.

And he takes it and flushes it down the toilet

to send it down to hell, right?

-Oh, okay. -And then I'm thinking, "Okay.

File that away in your sick brain, you're going to use it."

And then, um, my 50th Halloween party at my house,

I invited, you know, so many show business people.

So they all full out costume party, right?

I thought I knew everybody that was there.

And there's one guy after everybody's drunk and high

and everything, a gorilla comes, walks into the party,

Full out gorilla, right? -Yeah.

-And he starts dancing with the women

and, you know, and then he put on music

and he was taking over dancing with me.

And I'm thinking, "Oh, I know it's this asshole guy

that would do just."

This is what -- He'd put on a gorilla costume.

This is what he would do.

Then I see that guy.

I went, Who the F-curse-word is this?

And I try to get my wife.

Half my brain was going,

"This is probably cool. Don't make a fool of yourself."

And the other half of trying to get her attention to call 911,

because somebody just walked into the apartment

and it turned out it was a Gorilla Gram.

Do you remember Charles Rocket, the actor?

-Yeah. -Charlie Rocket.

Well, he couldn't make it from LA,

so he sent me a Gorilla Gram

without realizing it's a costume.

Because he was invited. He couldn't make it.

But he didn't put two and two together.

The gorilla came. If it was on a Tuesday,

I'd go, "Ah, Charlie Rocket probably sent me," so that's --

And then I went, okay, there's a movie there.

And I put those two together and here we are.

-And then you wrote the movie. Alright, well, stay with us.

But right now, Jenna's boyfriend

just got the living crap beat out of him by Satan.

And his battered body was so cute that a mom

and her children took a Halloween photo of Satan

beaming over his body.

So let's see what additional mayhem you can create

in "Satan's Little Helper."

Roll it.

And Darcy, are you okay in there?

Okay. -[Laughs]

-The actual Satan Man in the movie

was played by Joshua Annex.

We should give him credit.

Was it was Joshua an actor or a stunt man

or just a homeless guy.

-He was just a mime. He was all of those things.

No, he was not a stunt man. We had to have a stunt man.

But he was a mime.

-A mime? -A mime.

Which is perfect for that, you know?

And, uh, a dancer.

-Okay. -He has good moves and stuff.

-Alright. Jeff, you're a genius.

Thank you.

[Laughter]

♪

[Doorbell ringing]

-[Laughs] Where's Alex?

[Door closes] Did he get the costume?

-Yup. -And?

Well, where is he?

-Helpers don't tell on their masters.

-So you boys are into this game already.

-I can see your boomies.

-You're more like Satan's little pervert.

[Doorbell ringing]

Ahh. That would be my laddie now.

-That's not your laddie.

-Oh, right. Your master.

[Chuckles]

[Screaming]

That is so fantastic!

Oh, sh--

Mom, come see Alex!

You won't believe it!

♪

Mmm.

-Nowhe'slooking at your boomies.

-Feast your eyes on them, me good lord,

while we have this little dance.

-This is so fun.

-Jenna, I got cherries!

I got bananas! I got grapes!

But I'm not sure about the onions.

[Laughing] What do you think?

-Mmm. -[Laughing] My God.

[Laughter]

Oh, I gotta get a camera.

Oh!

-[Giggles]

Mmm.

[Laughing]

[Door slams] [Laughing]

♪

Alex?

♪

[Singsong voice] Alex.

Come here.

♪

Listen, I love that mask.

It looks -- [Door slams]

[Chuckles]

Me lord Satan,

we be feelin' a wee bit frisky, now, aren't ya?

♪

[Giggles]

♪

[Breathing heavily]

♪

Come here.

I can't be kissing latex,

so off with your --

God, you're really into this, aren't you?

♪

Well, then have it your way.

♪

[Laughs] No more.

♪

Alex.

-Jenna, is he getting you?

-[Whimpers] Alex...

[Gasps]

-That's really just pretend, right?

-Yeah. Of course it is.

We're just playing a game.

-But that's not Alex.

-Oh. Right.

It's Satan. [Chuckles]

-[Laughs]

-Me Lord of Darkness

will have to keep it in his britches for now.

[Giggles]

Ahh!

-Run!

-Wah! [Laughs]

-Don't get her! She's my sister!

Jenna, run!

-[Giggles]

-Jenna, hide before he gets you!

-Okay, where? Here?

[Laughs]

Ohh, he's scary.

[Door closes]

-He's locking the door. [Lock engages]

-Hmm. -[Chuckles]

[Laughing] Whoa.

[Laughs]

-Hey, what did you stop for?

It was an amazing picture.

Come on. Dance.

-[Laughs]

[Camera shutter clicks] -Alex, that's too weird.

Stop.

Would you say something?

-He doesn't talk.

He doesn't have to.

Come on and see my room.

It's really cool.

Come on.

-[Gasps]

[Laughing]

[Laughing] I can't...

[Both laugh]

-Isn't that the creepiest thing you ever saw,

the way he just stares at you

and you have to figure out what he's thinking?

-[Chuckles]

Ah, love, huh?

-Mmm.

♪

-[Giggling]

♪

♪

[Doorbell ringing] -[Laughs]

-Aw, damn it. I forgot all about it.

Because I was concentrating on picking you up at the ferry,

it completely slipped my mind.

Money's gonna have to do.

Hello! Hello!

Happy Halloween! -Trick or treat!

-I have no candy, but I have a dollar bill for you

and a dollar bill for you.

-Thank you! -Thank you!

-Yeah. Happy Halloween.

-Thank you -Bye!

Ooh, yes.

You know, maybe I have some candy left over from last year.

-Oh, you're not serious.

That's gross.

-Not if it's sealed. It'll be fine.

-Eww.

-It's so fun how my sister thinks you're Alex

and then you pretend to get her.

[Laughs]

I didn't think you'd come back

because Halloween is your busiest time.

But you'd rather spend it with me?

[Laughs]

Let me show you.

I'm getting to be the best helper.

I'm getting so good.

[Woman screams] [Evil chuckling]

♪

[Laughs]

Come on. Come on!

Recognize anyone from your family?

[Beeping]

-I can't believe you have absolutely no candy.

-Well, look a little harder. Um...

-Oh, that's gross.

So, what are you doing tonight?

-Me? You remember the Andersons? The rented Bell Tower Castle for a Halloween party.

-Mm, fun.

-Wait till you see what I'm wearing.

-[Chuckles]

-Quiche.

I am supposed to bring the quiche.

-Okay, no candy. Just these.

-Well, what am I supposed to do about it?

I'm out, out of dollar bills.

The little buggers are going to be egging the house.

-Chill, Mom! No one's egging the house.

-They're gonna be egging the house.

-Chill! [Doorbell ringing]

Just make your quiche.

[Doorbell ringing]

[Beeping]

♪

-Don't worry.

It's just some dumb trick-or-treaters.

[Doorbell ringing]

Is it God?

Master, could God come as a trick-or-treater?

Oh, crap.

Let's go see. [Doorbell ringing]

Master, if it's God, I'll tell him you went back to hell.

Okay? [Doorbell ringing]

-Trick or treat! -Coming.

Happy Halloween. -Happy Halloween.

-Sorry, no candy. I got two bucks left.

-Thank you! -Have a good day.

-Jenna, is it God? [Door closes]

-No, sorry. Just a witch.

Would me knights in hellish armor

serve this damsel in distress

and quest for some sweets at the confectionery?

-Huh?

-Go buy some candy at the grocers?

-The master doesn't go shopping.

-[Chuckles] Very good.

[Laughs]

I cannot believe you're keeping this up.

I'm going to have nightmares.

-Come on.

-Thanks again for doing this for my brother.

If it was up to me, you'd get an Oscar.

[Child giggling]

-So, Master, where'd you put Alex?

Can I see?

Okay.

♪

-[Groaning]

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Grunting]

♪

[Soft jazz music playing]

♪

♪

-Candy's over that way, Master.

♪

[Objects clattering]

♪

Is all that stuff to tape people up,

kill them, and spill their guts out?

♪

Awesome!

But not my mom and sister,

even in pretend?

You have to promise!

Make the Satanic Salute.

♪

Wait.

What about the candy?

Whatever I want?

Yes!

♪

♪

[Scanners beeping]

♪

But we didn't pay.

[Laughs]

[Footsteps departing]

[Chuckles]

-Hey, wait a minute! -He's coming!

[Laughs]

Don't you know anything?

Satan does not have to pay.

I'm his helper, and I say,

for this, you shall die.

-Yeah, well, that's great, but I'm not playing any games.

[Groans]

-Whoa. Wait till he smells all the garbage.

See what you get for disobeying Satan?

20 points!

[Lid slams]

[Chuckling] Yeah!

Look. A pregnant lady.

[Laughing] Cool.

[Car alarm blares] Yeah!

50 points.

Yeah!

Try to hit the baby carriage.

♪

-Ahh! [Baby cries]

-100 points.

Oh, yeah! Whoo-hoo!

Yeah!

This is so fun, master.

Over there -- blind man, blind man!

-Argh!

[Groaning]

-Bonus points!

Master, could you take me to hell?

Sweet!

-Darcy. Do you know the Satanic salute?

Of course you do. [Laughs]

Jeff, on that shopping cart scene in the parking lot,

uh, bonus points for running over a blind man.

100 points for bashing a baby carriage with a baby in it.

Uh, you aimed at the pregnant woman.

I'm not sure whether you hit her or not.

And we're not even mentioning

the random murder of a grocery store cashier

who gets tossed into the dumpster, you know?

So, or the extended scene where Satan molests Jenna,

whose, uh...

panties he's been sniffing. -Well, she thinks it's her guy.

-Jeff, you have a panty-sniffing Satan in your movie.

-I do, I do. No getting around it.

-He was going to be in a basement.

You just couldn't avoid putting --

-Exactly what happened,

there's a lot of things in that film,

and I wrote it that were not in the script,

and that was one of them.

We were down in the basement

and he was waiting.

And there was a basket in front of him

of their laundry.

The people that live there.

-In the location home?

-And he just picked it up and I went --

I talked to the video village up in the kitchen, "Roll."

He didn't even know it was rolling.

He said, pick them up and sniff them.

And he was and he was doing it.

He had no idea it was going to be in the film.

-Okay. -It's called spontaneous.

-You just decided at that moment

because you saw a laundry basket

that your movie needed some panty sniffing.

-Absolutely. No question about it.

And the cat -- -Oh, yeah, the cat.

-Well, the cat, what happened was

he beats up the boyfriend

and he schleps the boyfriend to the house,

and he props him up on the, um, on the couch.

and then he's propping it and propping.

And I was thinking,

the next thing you're going to see in the film --

And all you filmmakers out there

always think in terms of what you're going to --

what's the next thing the audience

is going to see on the screen.

Easier said than done because with editing.

And I'm saying the next thing they're going to see

is ding-dong and his girlfriend is going to accept him in.

And I said, he's not sick enough yet.

You've seen him beat up people.

You never saw him actually kill people,

yet you saw the remnants of what he did.

I said, he's got to go major sick right now.

So when he does ding-dong,

you think she's going to be shredded?

I went cat.

So I said, "Where am I going to get a cat?"

I told them I need a black cat

and I need a collar, and I need a bell on the collar.

-A bell? -Bell and I need it right now.

And I should have spelled out that any black cat would do.

They got some show business cat for five grand.

-$5,000 for a cat? -Yeah.

For a cat that all I'm going to do is pick up.

They didn't know.

I mean, I don't blame them, but like, I -- It's my --

I should have said just get any black cat.

-Give them 50 bucks. -It was a trained cat?

-Yeah, but it didn't have to do anything.

It was one -- Because I knew I could do this

because it was my fifth film.

I knew I could do this in two shots.

Picks up the real cat.

And you hear the little bell. -Yeah.

-And then the FAO Schwarz black cat

with the stuffing out of it

and the blood thing over the shoulder.

This way. Boom. And you don't see it.

I mean, the people on the set would go, "Oh!"

They couldn't look at it.

-Did you get some flack for the cat scene?

-Huge. -Yeah.

-The film, um, premiered at the Tribeca Film Festival.

-Yeah. -And when that --

I mean, there's a lot of cat lovers.

I'm not one of them.

[Laughter] There's a lot of cat lovers.

You're a cat lover.

Had I known that, I wouldn't have hired him.

-[Laughs] -Um, so...

They said -- The first thing I did is I came out,

and I knew I got to clear the air with the cat

because they're going to hate everything about it.

So I said, "You know, we only had to kill one cat."

And then, like I waited a beat and I said,

"Because we got nine takes."

[Laughter] Right?

And... -[Laughs]

-Yeah, that's a good way to stop the controversy.

-Yeah. I mean, you really think that I'm going to right with it?

I mean, I do draw the line somewhere, so.

[Laughter]

Oh, was that. -Grocery cart scene fun?

-Oh, that was --

You know, where I got that from is when you're a kid, like,

how many points from running over, you know.

Oh, everybody's done it.

If they say they've never done it, they're lying.

Right? -[Laughing]

-Well, how many points do you get from running over

a nun, and, you know.

So a blind person is like way up there.

And a pregnant lady? Come on.

That's the Mickey Mantle of, uh --

So, um, that's where I got it from.

-Okay. Um, now, did you have --

You must have had limited hours to use the kid, right?

-Oh, yeah.

-And were his parents there watching all this...

-His mother was around. -...awful stuff you're doing?

-Oh, yeah. She thought -- -His mother was there?

She said you're hysterical.

You're a genius. All positive stuff.

-She said all positive stuff?

-Yeah. -Okay.

-The kid is now like, what, 30?

He's like 30 something, and he's --

He looks like Frank Zappa.

-Oh, yeah? -Just like Frank Zappa.

I saw a picture of him. -Okay.

Why in the year 2004,

do you suddenly decide to make a horror flick after,

what, 30 years away from the horror genre?

You were doing other stuff, I mean.

But yeah, you know,

why do you suddenly decide to go back to horror?

-What is it -- I did "Remote Control" in '87.

-"Remote Control" in '87. '87.

-Okay. -It's not -- What is it?

-25 years, yeah. -25. Alright.

Anyway, um, I my other films started to catch on

in new generation, big time.

So I got involved in -- -Oh, your older films?

-Yeah. I mean, I was doing -- -Okay.

I wrote "The Neverending Story III."

How lame mainstream could you get?

-Yeah. -You know?

-Well, you know, the other Jeff Lieberman flick

on Shudder that people love is "Blue Sunshine."

One of the most loved films on Shudder,

which is about hippies

that turn into bald-headed psychotic maniacs in the '70s

because of LSD that they consumed in the '60s.

So it made me think, what is your LSD experience?

[Laughter]

-That's another show -- We should do "Blue Sunshine."

-We should do "Blue Sunshine."

I would love to have "Blue Sunshine."

-Yeah, we re-licensed it, so we could.

Um, but did you do LSD in the '60s?

-[Whispering] I did. -[Laughing]

-[Whispering] I did. [Laughter]

-Alright, I'm going to take that as a yes.

-Yeah, that's a yes.

-When people say,

"Where did you go for 30 years?,"

They were not watching HBO and Showtime

because you were winning Emmys.

You were doing you were doing so-called serious filmmaking.

You mentioned, um, "The Neverending Story III,"

but you -- you did a lot of other projects.

-I did an HBO documentary on Sonny Liston.

-Oh, yeah. Great documentary. Sonny Liston, was pretty good.

-I did a thing called "But...Seriously,"

with Rob Reiner for Showtime.

That was huge.

But who looks?

You know, the horror fans are horror fans

and somebody wrote on the internet

that I was dead and not only dead,

whatever happened to him dead, but specifically lung cancer.

-Yeah. -Right.

And why lung cancer?

I mean, couldn't they make it like I crashed

over a cliff or something?

[Laughter]

-So, I mean, you told me also,

you made a lot of money on unproduced screenplays, right?

-Yes. -So you're one of those guys?

Because I have experience with that.

And you moved to Westchester.

You live in Westchester, right? -Now I do, yeah.

-Which is where a lot of this movie was shot, right?

-Right.

-But the people in Westchester were not crazy

about you shooting in your hometown.

-Well, the name "Satan's Little Helper"

didn't help.

-Okay. -So I didn't realize.

I thought they were kidding me

that the people in the neighborhood

didn't like the idea that something with Satan.

I'm thinking this is like supposedly a sophisticated.

-Sophisticated New Yorkers, right?

Why would they care it's about Satan?

-When we wrapped and we left, they had signs,

"Don't Come Back," "Go to Hell," yeah, they were holding up.

-They will put signs in their yard?

-Yeah. No, they were holding them up to the truck.

-[Laughing] Okay, never come back to Westchester.

-To me, I said I got a hit.

I mean, you know, I'd love that,

but it did cost us a lot of money.

Like, Walmart wouldn't put the thing

unless you change the title and --

And then the movie itself,

all through the Latin American countries,

they wouldn't touch it.

-Really? Because it had Satan in the name?

-Because a kid is helping Satan, right?

I mean, that's it's right up my alley,

but it's not up their alley.

-Well, the first time I saw the movie,

I had no idea how at this point in the movie,

how you could ever resolve the story,

which is always a good sign of excellent screenwriting.

So let's not keep the audience in suspense.

Let's find out what that wacky Satan is going to do next.

Roll it.

And I really think Alexander Brick-el --

Bric-kel. Brickel, I always wondered, uh,

belongs in the company of Hollywood's greatest actors

in Satan movies because Jack Nicholson did Satan,

Vincent Price did Satan, Al Pacino did Satan,

Alexander Brickel, you know, where is he now?

-I don't know.

I mean, I know he was a theater major

and I don't know -- I don't know what he's doing.

-Okay. -But he wasn't Satan, see.

He was a helper.

-I know, but in Satan movies,

stars of Satan movies, he's the star.

He's the lead, right? -Yeah.

-Yeah. Um, didn't --

And I think Mia Farrow actually gave birth to the devil

when she was dating Frank Sinatra.

Or did she just have sex with the devil

and gave birth to the son of the devil?

I can't remember, anyway. -Isn't that "Rosemary's Baby"?

-"Rosemary's Baby." -Yeah.

-Satan was so big in the '60s and '70s.

Satan was huge.

[Laughter] -I was -- I was at a New Year's

pre-New Year's Eve party

in a penthouse on Sutton Place and my that time girlfriend,

um, my wife, she was invited to this thing and,

uh, was all very rich people and society people.

And I never drank before that.

I just did drugs, so.

So, uh, I went, I remember it.

An uncle of mine had a Rob Roy. And he slipped me a Rob Roy.

And it sounded so cool. -Okay.

-So the guy says, a waiter comes over, he says,

"Would you like a drink?" And I said, "Yeah, Rob Roy."

And I didn't know that, when you finish it,

they -- they give you another one.

And I'm on an empty stomach.

The room is fucking rotating.

And I see, is that Ira Levin, "Rosemary's Baby," he was there.

-The writer of of "Rosemary's Baby."

-Yeah. I go up to him.

I went, I know where you got the idea for "Rosemary's Baby."

You ripped it off from

"I Married a Monster from Outer Space."

Same exact plot, which it is. Remember that?

-Yeah? -Yeah.

-And he's -- And they --

I got unceremoniously bounced out of that party.

-Really? -I know I'm right.

-I know I'm right. For insulting Ira Levin?

-Yeah. -Because over the movie,

I Married a Monster from Outer Space"?

And they kicked you out of the party?

-Yes. -Well, there you go.

That's why they kicked you out of Westchester, too.

-Do I have cred or what?

-Yeah, uppity New Yorkers.

We don't need them, right? -Yeah. No.

[Laughter]

♪

[Birds chirping]

♪

♪

[Crickets chirping]

We're trick-or-treating?

But I wanted to do it with Jenna, too.

Okay. Crap.

Let's go.

I should stand guard in case God comes?

Okay.

Satan's helper on the lookout.

[Door creaking]

[Doorbell rings]

-Alright, alright, alright, I'm coming.

Aren't you a little too old to be trick-or-treating?

I'm coming as fast as I can.

[Breathing heavily]

Oh, okay, okay, I'm coming. I'm coming.

Don't worry. I'm coming.

Where did you get that coat?

Looks like you robbed it from a Hasid.

Alright, alright, I got your candy.

Just a minute.

Here's your candy.

[Thump] Ugh!

[Groaning]

-Oh, I hope God doesn't see us.

Come on.

-Hey, Whooly, who are you going trick-or-treating with?

-Oh, just Satan.

-Yeah, Satan. [Laughs]

-Ahh!

-Oh, that looks so real!

-[Coughing, choking]

-Holy shit!

[Children gasping] -[Laughs]

They thought that was real.

Jerks.

[Rope creaking]

♪

♪

[Giggles]

Nice job.

That was awesome.

♪

[Giggling]

♪

[Children shouting indistinctly]

[Doorbell rings]

[Pounding on door]

-Dad, open up!

[Water running] [Doorbell rings]

-Did you hear the door?

-Aw, come on, ignore it. It's Halloween.

-But I love giving out the treats.

-Well, then give out a few right here

and then throw in a few new tricks while you're at it.

-Dad, open up!

[Water turns off]

Dad, it's me! Come on, open up! I need help!

Dad, open up!

-Alex? What the hell is he doing home?

-Who's Alex?

-My son.

-Excuse me?

-I have a son in college, if you can believe it.

That is, if you can call a bunch of acting classes college.

[Doorbell rings] -Dad, I need help!

-Sounds like he's in trouble.

-I should stand guard again?

You got it, Master.

[Siren wailing in distance]

♪

♪

[Doorbell rings]

♪

-[Chuckles] Ohh.

Vernon, come see what your son's wearing.

-Oh, I'm sure it's very dramatic.

-[Chuckling] It sure as hell is.

[Laughs]

Hi, Alex.

I'm Nicole. I work for your dad.

[Screams]

Ugh!

♪

♪

-Alex, what the hell's come over you?

Take that thing off.

And take those things off your feet

before you step foot in this house.

Have you lost your mind?

What the hell is that school doing to you?

♪

♪

[Glass shatters]

-[Giggling]

♪

Can I have some candy?

I'm your helper.

[Siren wailing in distance]

Huh?

"Mrs. Sylvia Tishbaum"?

Ooh!

I should mix this with the candy and make people have diarrhea

all over the place and puke their guts out.

Sweet.

Hell is so fun.

[Siren wailing]

[Siren stops]

[Police radio chatter]

Come on.

-Sir, step away from the boy.

Take the mask off.

-Master, don't you want to run?

-Sir, step away from the boy.

-You don't have to?

[Police radio chatter]

-Place your hands on your head now.

[Doorbell ringing]

-Where were you?

And where's Alex?

-Okay, we went to the store and got the candy.

Then Satan let me ride in the shopping cart,

and we ran all these people over.

Then he took me to hell, where we went trick-or-treating.

It was so cool.

My master hung this old lady out the window,

and we poisoned all the candy.

-Dougie, where is your master?

-The police got him, but he doesn't care

'cause he'll just tape them up and cut their guts out.

-Dougie, do you realize what you're saying?

Start giving out the candy,

fill up those little bags I found,

and when Satan comes,

tell him I'd like to have a little talk with him.

[Doorbell ringing]

-Coming.

-Trick or treat.

Hey, why aren't you out trick-or-treating?

-Yeah, with Satan?

[Laughter] -Do you know what?

At least I didn't think that stupid hanged lady was real.

-Hey, we were trying to trick you.

-Lie. -Just give us some candy.

-Yeah, little helper.

[Laughter]

-Just one second.

[Humming]

-Come on, Whooly. Hurry up in there.

-Okay, one for you.

Have a happy Halloween.

-Finally. -One for you.

Enjoy your candy. -Thank you.

-One for you. Drive safely.

[Children shouting indistinctly]

[Door creaking]

[Crickets chirping]

[Laughs]

[Glass shatters] [Alarm ringing]

-It's anarchy! Anarchy!

You must take sanctuary in the cathedral at once!

The police station burns with the fire of hell!

Soon all the constables will be dead!

And then, God help us!

-Hey, man, cut out all the bullshit.

What are you talking about? -Yo, man, I'm not kiddin'.

Three cops finded dead.

There's only two of them left on the whole fuckin' island.

You better get your ass home fast.

[Glass shatters]

[Indistinct shouting in distance]

Anarchy! Anarchy!

-Will you stop shaking the floor?

You're going to ruin my quiche.

-I cannot believe he's not home yet.

I'd really like to know what's going on.

-Maybe he just changed his mind and visited his dad.

-Yeah, and maybe he went off to some party without me.

Or maybe he went to visit an ex-girlfriend.

Do you know what he told Dougie?

He said that they're going to use knives

to cut people's guts out and poison kids.

You think that's normal.

[Doorbell ringing]

-I got it!

-That's probably him.

♪

-What took you so long?

You could've called or something.

-I told you. You never listen.

Come on! You have to catch me!

Then you can take me back to hell.

-And what's this telling him about taped-up mouths

and knives?

And then actually buying this stuff?

This is all pretty sick, don't you think?

[Lock engages]

Alex, stop right now.

It's not funny.

Talk.

Say something, or I'll --

Okay, I think you're way overdoing it,

and I really wish you would just cut it --

Alex, I'm serious. Stop.

[Rope snaps]

♪

♪

-Come on! You're not getting me!

♪

-[Gasps]

♪

♪

[Softly] Oh, my God.

♪

-I'm not waiting for your father anymore,

so I'm going on ahead to the party.

-That's not Alex.

♪

That's someone else in that costume!

-Well, of course it's Alex.

Who else could it be? Oh...

Ohh! You're in the game --

-Shh!

Dougie?

Dougie!

Dougie, come out! I have to tell you something!

Dougie.

Dougie, come down. I have to tell you something.

-It's normal when you're playing hide-and-seek

not to make any noise.

-Shh!

♪

Dougie?

[Doorbell ringing] -Ah!

We got customers. Douglas!

Will you come down here and help us with the candy?

Please?

[Footsteps approaching]

-[Sighs]

I had such a good hiding spot, and you had to ruin it.

-Trick or treat.

-What are you supposed to be?

-I am a serious businessman...

coming home to check out my son's excellent costume!

-[Giggles] -Look how great this is.

You look just like Satan's Little Helper,

just like the game.

And Jenna in Mom's old costume.

-[Laughs] -Chiquita.

[Both laugh]

Bell Tower Castle, here we come!

We are gonna rock that place, my darling.

-[Laughing] Hoo-hoo-hoo!

-And the dip. -Doo-boo!

[Laughs] Your costume's waiting for you upstairs.

You're an elf.

-[Laughs] -Shut up.

-An elf? -Mm-hmm.

You said leave it to me.

-I am gonna catch so much shit for this...

-Mm-hmm.

-By the way, what are those cops doing parked outside?

-Let go! We're still playing!

-Dad, go tell those cops there's a psycho in our house.

-What did I walk into here?

-Alex dressed up as Satan

to go along with Dougie's outfit and --

-Whoa, who's Alex?

-Alex is Jenna's friend from school.

He came here to spend Halloween with us.

Anyway, they are ensconced in this game,

which, frankly, I think is getting a little out of hand.

-Let go, or Satan's helper will karate you.

-Come on, hell boy.

Let's go check out Daddy's elf costume.

-Put me down!

-You can't go up there.

-Are you serious?

-Satan's not even up there.

He's down in the basement so he can get back to hell,

in case you were God ringing the doorbell.

-Yeah, well, he's in big trouble now, boy,

'cause I just happen to be one of the avenging angels.

-Will you guys stop horsing around 'cause we gotta go.

-Put me down, or I'll tell Satan to cut your guts out.

-Oh, yeah? Well, go ahead

because I got God watching my back.

-Satan, quick!

Come and spill his guts out!

♪

-[Groaning]

♪

-No! Ahh!

[Screams]

-[Groaning]

♪

-[Screaming]

♪

-I didn't mean it.

♪

-[Gasping]

♪

No!

No.

♪

-I want you to run. Run.

-Ahh! [Sobbing]

[Metal clanging]

-Come on. Get up.

[Metal clanging]

-No!

[Screams]

[Indistinct shouting]

[Door creaking]

[Breathing heavily]

♪

-Go, go, go. Go, Jenna.

♪

-[Panting] Come on!

[Keypad beeps]

♪

-[Grunting softly]

[Line ringing] -[Sobbing]

Come on!

[Telephone ringing]

♪

♪

[Ringing continues]

[Exhales sharply]

[Line ringing] -Jenna?!

-Mom?

Oh, God.

Mom?

♪

Dougie!

Mom?

♪

Mom!

♪

Oh, God.

♪

Oh, God.

-Jenna! -Oh!

-Master said all the dead people were pretend, but he lied.

-Stop calling him master!

Where's Mom?

-He took her.

-I'm going after them.

-But he'll kill you!

-Look, stay here and lock the door.

Don't open up for anyone, no matter what.

Try not to look at Daddy, okay?

-[Sniffles] -Here.

Hold on to this till I get back.

[Alarm blaring]

[Lock engages]

-[Breathing heavily]

[Alarm continues]

[Crickets chirping]

-[Breathing heavily]

[Exhales sharply]

[Gasps]

Oh, my...

-Jenna. -Oh!

God. Alex.

T-This psycho comes home with Dougie and -- and he --

and I thought he was you.

And he killed my dad, and he took my mom.

-Jenna, Jenna, was this guy wearing

a black coat and a white mask? -Yeah.

-That's the same guy that jumped me.

Your brother set me up. -No, he thought

it was just a game. -Yeah, some game.

Where is he?

-He's back at the house.

-Alright, where did they go?

[Alarm continues]

-He knows about that party at that castle.

I bet he took her there.

Look, you have to help me get her.

-Jesus Christ.

[Clattering]

There's no keys.

We got this.

Come on. Let's go.

-Alright, so...

[Laughter]

So, Jeff, does Satan Man kill every police officer in town

and tape up their bodies?

We kind of -- We can't kind of learn that off camera.

-Yeah. I mean, that's where low budget movie comes in,

where you want people's imagination.

It's an island.

It's a small island. -Okay.

-How many cops would they have on an island?

-So he kills all the cops?

-Yeah, but we only see what we see.

Three. -Okay.

And people are still going to have a party,

even though the entire law enforcement

infrastructure is in shambles.

-Well, they don't know that. -Okay.

There was a thing in the '80s called Satanic Panic

where parents started believing

that the owners of daycare centers

were using their children for demonic ceremonies.

But in this movie, there's truly a satanic panic

because the guy dressed up like Satan

is basically chopping his way through every person he sees,

including an elderly lady with a walker who says,

"Where did you get that coat?

Looks like you robbed it from a Hasid."

And it actually was from a Hasid, right?

-You got a Hasidic coat? -We didn't rob it.

We didn't rob it. -For Satan?

-Yeah, the the wardrobe people

went down to Brooklyn and went in.

He says, "What are you going to use this for?"

"Oh, our rabbi needs it." You know, like had a line.

We got two of them. And that's what --

Well, was it that important to you

that Satan's coat had to be Hasidic?

-You know that's an insult. Of course.

[Laughter] Of course.

I mean, if you're going to -- if you're going to be offensive,

I'm an equal opportunity.

I mean, I'm going to draw the line on Judaism.

-Alright, and I took great pleasure

in the gut ripping of dad,

because that's the dude who was the bouncer at Avenue

who thought I was too cowboy to get past the velvet rope.

So was he a good actor, though?

-Yeah. Yeah, it was good and good guy.

Good guy. -Yeah. Okay, Jeff.

[Laughter]

You know -- -Hey, he did what I told him.

-Now you got to tell me how this happened.

There is a poster somewhere or a one sheet or something.

I haven't seen it, but it says --

"Dario Argento presents a Jeff Lieberman film --

"Mummies."

What the fuck, Jeff?

-That's what it should have been called,

"What the Fuck?"

Um... [Laughter]

A guy came from Italy

and he was from the company Titanus.

That was a big distribution.

-Titanus films, yeah. -And they did George Romero.

It said, um, it was called "Zombies."

It was the sequel -- -"Zombies," yeah.

-Here it was "Dawn of the Dead."

-Right. -But they financed it

and they had all this money coming in offshore

that they didn't want to let Italy tax, right?

-They didn't want the money to go back to Italy.

-Right, so they want to make another movie.

-Okay. -So this guy comes

out of the blue and he says to me,

"Do you know that we did this thing and it's here.

It's called "Dawn of the Dead."

And it says, um,

Dario Argento presents a George Romero film, "Zombies."

I said, okay. He goes, "Now."

And he has his artwork and he reveals that he goes,

"Dario Argento presents a Jeff Lieberman film,

"Mummies."

And he opens this thing up,

and it was like zombies wrapped in toilet paper.

I mean, it was like, you know, trailing off,

but thousands of toilet paper wrapped...

-Mummies. -Mummies. Yeah.

That's when I said, "Well, let me read the script."

No script. They put it in variety.

You know the can.

You know, they sell it in advance

because my name was approved and I said, I can't, you know.

-You can't make a movie with no script?

-I don't think so.

-It's about mummies and toilet paper.

-Right, and so years later when I did "Satan's Little Helper,"

I was invited to Brussels.

A big BIF big huge film festival.

Amanda was there and Paul -- Um, what's his name?

"Taxi Driver," Paul... Paul Schrader.

-Paul Schrader. -Yeah, and Dario Argento.

So I said Dario, you know, he knew my name and we never met.

And I said to him, the mummy thing.

And he started cracking up. He said, "Yeah."

I said, "Did you say okay to put your name?"

And he said it was the same thing as the George Romero.

They're just going to give him money.

So he said yes.

-So he's saying -- He's saying he would have made it.

-Well, he wouldn't do anything.

Just the way he didn't do anything on the other one.

-Oh, okay. -Yeah, and make money.

-And so he said, yeah, "Put my name on it.

We'll make a movie called "Mummies."

-Yeah. -Okay. Using the offshore money.

-Well, it's not any dumber than "Zombies."

"Mummies," come on.

-Okay. Oh, but, you know, you should have made "Mummies,"

because they wouldn't just be mummies,

they'd be Jeff Lieberman mummies.

And so they'd be interesting. -Yeah. That's right.

-Sorry. Back to the movie.

Ah, Darcy, can you even breathe in that thing?

Uh, I really think you should do "Satan's Little Helper II."

Has anybody come up with that?

As anybody asked you to do that?

"Satan's Little Helper II" with Darcy in that costume.

And I'll be the little kid.

[Laughter]

Do you want out of there, Darcy?

Have we pushed this too far?

Have we push this as far as it can go?

Alright? Apparently not.

Darcy has found her comfort zone

inside the mind and body of Satan.

[Laughter]

♪

[Tires screech]

[Thirteenth Tribe's "Diamonds Aren't Forever

(When You're Dead)"playing] -♪ You adore the view ♪

-[Muffled grunting]

-♪ But they name a scent after you ♪

♪

-[Smooches]

-♪ Diamonds aren't forever ♪

-I don't know.

-It could be the guy from the news report.

-Billy Flarin? -I ran into a guy who told me

that the police station burned to the ground.

Isn't that what Billy was known for?

-So much for being born again.

-Yeah, well, with those last two cops dead,

there's no police left on Bell Island.

We're in Dodge City now.

[Glass shatters] [Alarm blares]

-Are you alright?

-[Sighs] Yeah.

I've taken the last beating I'm ever gonna take today.

Come on. -No, the party's this way.

-Yeah, but he already knows what we look like.

I need to get close enough to use this thing.

[Glass breaking] [Alarm continues]

[Indistinct conversations]

-Greetings!

[Bob Dylan's "Man of Peace" playing]

[Laughter] I am Queen Frances.

♪ Look out your window, baby ♪

♪ There's a scene you'd like to catch ♪

♪ The band is playing "Dixie" ♪

♪ A man got his hand outstretched ♪

♪ Could be the Fuhrer ♪

♪ Could be the local priest ♪

♪

♪ You know sometimes Satan comes as a man of peace ♪

-[Grunts]

-♪ He got a sweet gift of gab ♪ [Tape tearing]

♪ He got a harmonious tongue ♪

♪ He knows every song of love that ever has been sung ♪

-[Groaning] -♪ Good intentions can be evil ♪

♪ Both hands can be full of grease ♪

-Oh, shit. I'm sorry. I'm s--

Are you alright?

Let me help you up.

Damn it.

Can you bend your legs a little?

[Grunting]

I don't know what happened. She just fell.

You guys bustin' my chops?

Have a good night. Enjoy the party.

-♪ Nobody can see through him ♪

♪ No, not even the Chief of Police ♪

-That fruit lid -- it's the bomb.

-[Groaning]

-Merrill? [Gasps]

What a great Chiquita!

-[Muffled grunting] -But what's with the tape?

Chiquita the...mummy?

[Laughter]

♪

You really were stoned!

And Dean is -- What? A goat man.

-[High-pitched voice] He's no goat man.

He's the devil. [Giggles]

And I've never seen him this "horny."

[Laughter]

-Greetings, dears.

I am Queen Frances,

but you two can call me "Mumsy."

[Laughter] I am delighted

that you have arrived for our festive gala.

Where the hell's the quiche?

-[Muffled grunting]

-Come on, Harry.

Take a picture of me with Mr. Horny.

♪

Oh! [Laughs]

-Oh, my! He reallyishorny!

[Laughter]

-[Muffled grunting]

♪

-Greetings. I am Queen Frances.

-♪ He can ride down Niagara Falls ♪

♪ In the barrels of your skull ♪

[Thud]

[Laughter]

♪

-Hey, I think you broke your cherry!

[Laughter]

-Is that a banana in your hat or are you happy to see me?

[Applause]

♪

[Indistinct conversations]

♪

♪

♪ He's a great humanitarian, he's a great philanthropist ♪

♪ He knows just where to touch you, honey ♪

♪ And how you like to be kissed ♪

♪ He'll put both his arms around you ♪

♪ You can feel that tender touch of the beast ♪

[Dog barking] [Indistinct shouting]

-Come on! [Glass shattering]

[Barking continues]

-[Breathing heavily]

[Glass breaking in distance]

[Clattering in distance]

-Hey, smash that sucker!

[Indistinct shouting]

[Doorbell ringing] -[Gasps, breathes heavily]

[Crickets chirping]

[Dog barking in distance]

[Foot stomping]

[Thud]

God... this is Douglas Whooly.

I'm sorry for helping Satan.

And now I need Your help to get him away from our house

and to make him go back to hell.

I promise to be good forever and ever if you do.

I swear to you.

[Indistinct shouting in distance]

[Sighs] And amen.

[Doorbell ringing]

[Breathing heavily]

[Alarm ringing] -We have to hurry.

I can't see in this thing.

-[Coughs] Jesus.

Smells like someone puked in this thing.

-Oh, God. [Groans]

[Car engine revving]

[Tires screech, metal crunches]

[Crickets chirping]

[Cheeze-E-Edd's"Up Dance/Let the Bass Kick"plays]

-Come on!

-[Muffled grunting]

♪

-♪ Let the bass kick ♪

-♪ Up dance, up dance ♪ -♪ Let the bass kick ♪

-♪ Up dance, up dance ♪

-♪ Up dance ♪

[Indistinct conversations]

♪

♪

-♪ Up dance, up dance ♪

♪ Up dance, up dance ♪

♪ Up dance, up dance ♪

♪

♪ Up dance, up dance ♪

♪ Up dance, up dance ♪

♪ Up dance ♪

♪

-[Muffled grunting]

-♪ Up dance, up dance ♪

♪ Up dance ♪

-[Squealing]

♪

-Ooh, how's she like the punch, Mr. Satan?

[Laughs]

[Normal voice] Hey, Dean...

Betty told me you were gonna be an elf.

What happened? You chicken out?

-[Muffled grunting]

♪

Okay. So, here's to, uh --

What the hell are you two supposed to be?

-We're a he/she. -Oh.

♪

-Not bad.

♪

-Bad. -♪ Up dance, up dance ♪

♪ Up dance ♪

♪

[Indistinct conversations]

[Both gagging]

♪

-Ew, gross.

♪

-♪ Up dance, up dance ♪

♪

♪ Up dance, up dance ♪

♪ Up dance, up dance ♪

♪ Up dance ♪

♪

-That's Billy's dad, Mayor Flarin.

-Oh, I love trolls, man.

I saw "Shrek" three times.

-Mrs. Flarin, we need to talk to your son, Billy.

-Careful talkin' to birds, Janice.

Their talk is cheep.

-Let's cut out the chitchat. Where's your son?

♪

-Alex.

-♪ Up dance, up dance ♪

♪ Up dance, up dance ♪ -♪ Let the bass kick ♪

-♪ Up dance, up dance ♪

♪

♪ Up dance, up dance ♪

♪ Up dance, up dance ♪

♪

♪

-Oh, my God. Mom!

Get out of my way!

I'm coming. Mom?

Damn it! Just let me go!

♪

Please get out of my way! Let me through!

♪

Mom! Watch it!

♪

♪

♪

♪

Mom! Mom, where are you?!

♪

Move out of my way! Move!

Mom!

♪

Let me through!

Mom!

♪

Does anybody have nails?

-[Muffled grunting]

-Does somebody have nails?!

-No, I'm sorry.

♪

-Shit!

-[Gasping, coughing]

-Get me some water!

Get me some water!

[Indistinct conversations]

-Hey! Watch it, asshole.

-[Coughing, gasping]

-Alex?

Alex?!

-Ow. -Are you okay?

T-Take care of her.

Listen, I'll be back. I'm gonna go get Alex, okay?

-Betty, call for help. Go get help.

-Look, look, look, look, look, look!

Satan's ripping out his guts.

I just got extra points for that.

-I need the keys to the red SUV.

-You need a ticket, love.

-Hey, yo!

Fuck her.

[Rock music playing]

[Indistinct shouting, clattering]

[Sirens blaring]

♪

♪

-What's up, my nigga?

♪

[Glass shatters]

-Whoo-ha-ha!

-Whoo-hoo!

[Alarms continue]

-Alright, who are you?

You better say something,

or I'm gonna blow your fuckin' head off.

Dad?

[Alarms continue]

[Gunshot] [Alarms stop]

-Look! Over here! [Crickets chirping]

♪

[Woman screaming in distance]

♪

♪

[Crickets chirping]

[Thudding] [Indistinct shouting]

[Glass breaking]

-I hate you. [Vehicle approaching]

-Alex! [Horn honks]

[Glass breaking] Alex!

[Indistinct shouting]

[Car door opens] Did you find him?

-Yeah. -And?

-[Sighs]

It's my father.

-Get in.

What are you talking about? Did you see his face?

You got the mask off?

-No. -Then how do you know?

-He could've killed me when he had the chance.

Instead, he took the gun and he shot his own hand

and then handed it back to me just to humiliate me,

to show me he can keep on doing it forever.

-Which way did he go?

-I don't know. Maybe home?

[Engine starts]

♪

♪

-What do you think, Jeff? Do I keep this beard?

[Laughter]

-Yeah. -Yeah?

-Yeah. -Alright.

-You know, when you sign your autographs at shows.

-Yeah. -Just dip ink in there.

And just -- -Oh, okay. Great. Thanks.

Hey, was that Ratso Sloman as the mayor?

What is Ratso Sloman doing in your movie?

-He's my buddy and -- -He's your buddy?

-And he's in SAG.

And he goes, "Lemo, put me in the movie.

I'll get residuals."

-He's in SAG.

I worked with Ratso at National Lampoon.

I think he was the editor. -He was the editor at one point.

-It was always hard to tell who was the actual editor

at National Lampoon,

but I know that he also wrote for rolling Stone.

He wrote for High Times. -Yeah, yeah, High Times.

-And he had that book on Bob Dylan.

But I had no idea that "Satan's Little Helper"

was on Ratso Sloman's resume.

-I told him -- I told him that I'm doing this.

And he said he knew you from back then.

-Yeah, um, that sequence where Amanda Plummer is, um,

getting ping pong around the dance floor is hilarious.

[Laughter]

Uh, you beat her up.

-Well...

Well, spoiler alert or whatever.

-It's a stunt double. -Stunt woman.

-Yeah, I mean, when she came full face plant out of the car,

that's a stunt when she walks into the post.

-What about on the dance floor, though?

You can see her face the whole time.

-No. Then you jump in and you see her face.

-Oh, okay.

So what were the numbers on "Satan's Little Helper"?

How much money did you have?

-[Exhales sharply] 700, maybe.

-700,000. -Yeah.

-And how much did you make? A lot.

-Uh, I don't know, but it made. -Enough?

-Yeah. -Yeah?

We hadn't -- We hadn't really talked about

your slasher that's not a slasher,

"Just Before Dawn."

you've had a big resurgence in interest in that movie

in recent years, right? -Yeah. Oh, Yeah.

-And Quentin Tarantino showed it at his theater

in -- in LA. -Right.

And he even showed his editor that he could do the --

He could -- [Laughs]

That's what he told me and Fred Raskin.

He said, I told him that he knows he knows me.

He told Quentin, and Quentin just went

and was able to --

People watching if they don't know the movie.

It's the first, well, oral fist thing in the history of cinema.

[Laughter] And then --

-Oh man, psycho hillbilly knocking off young campers one

at a time, right?

-Yeah. -That pretty much sums it up.

Nothing slashery about that, but anyway...

Um, thanks for being with us. -You had to go there.

-Thanks for being with us.

We are coming up on the twisted conclusion

of "Satan's Little Helper,"

and you are now officially released to go back

to your opulent Westchester mansion where you live.

And actually, you've been doing a lot of shows

on the convention circuit lately.

-Yeah, that's where we met. -And people want to see you.

And talk to you about your stuff from the '70s and this movie.

Um, and is there any of your movies

we have not mentioned?

Everybody should watch that, by the way.

Everyone should watch that Sonny Liston documentary.

Uh, that thing is great.

Um, talk about a heavyweight

that doesn't get the credit he deserves.

-Well, it started when I did that.

All of a sudden, everybody.

Since then, there's been five things on Sonny Liston.

-Yeah. -So again --

First thing that's not a slasher.

Sonny Liston. Oh, a pioneer.

-Yeah. Alright. [Laughter]

But you realize that horror rules.

So you're iconic now,

and you made several iconic movies,

including an iconic slasher.

Alright, and now we're going to --

We're going to putter on down through the final act

of "Satan's Little Helper."

So roll the film.

And let's -- I want to see some fingers, Darcy or Darcy Satan.

How many stars for "Satan's Little Helper"?

Oh, off the scale, of course.

"Satan's Little Helper," ten stars.

Uh -- Oh, I wanted to read.

Where is that? I wanted to read a passage.

-I was reading the Satanic Bible stuff, sorry.

-Oh, yeah. Okay.

This is a passage from the Satanic Bible.

Words to live by --

"When walking in open territory, bother no one.

If someone bothers you, ask him to stop.

If he does not stop, destroy him."

[Laughter]

Uh, so don't screw with the Satanist.

Uh, because instead of turn the other cheek,

it's slap that fucker on both cheeks.

But I'm sure they're nice people.

[Laughter]

And I've gotten to where I can interpret

every gesture you make, Darcy.

And I know that that last one was, uh,

quit while you were ahead and shut up.

[Laughter]

♪

♪

♪

-That's our house.

-Alex.

♪

♪

Alex?

[Crickets chirping]

[Gearshift clicks]

Give me the gun.

♪

[Car door slams]

Put your hands up!

Kneel down on the ground!

♪

Kneel down on the ground now!

♪

[Gunshots]

[Crickets chirping]

♪

[Breathing heavily]

♪

♪

♪

♪

He's in hell where he belongs.

♪

I'll go home. I'll get Dougie.

We'll pick up my mom and find the police.

♪

And, Alex...

don't blame yourself.

The only one to blame is him.

♪

♪

[Doorbell ringing]

-Go away! I'm not answering!

[Ringing continues]

Duh!

God could come as a trick-or-treater!

♪

[Door creaks]

[Gasps] Yes! You came.

Oh, thank You so much.

Come in.

I remember that Satan was afraid

because you can come as a trick-or-treater

and You can be wearing a costume, just like he did.

He's not here.

He took my mom.

My sister went to get her, but she didn't come back yet.

You want me to come with you?

Is that real blood?

In real life?

Does God talk?

He doesn't have to? Like Satan?

♪

[Alarm ringing]

♪

[Gasps] Jenna!

Okay, you go get Satan.

I'll make sure he doesn't get my sister.

♪

Jenna!

[Tires screech] Jenna!

-Dougie.

-Jenna!

Jenna!

[Car door opens]

-Didn't I tell you to stay in the house?

-Yeah. But God said.

-God?

-I prayed for Him to come and help us, and He did.

See? Here's His blood.

Get in, quick.

[Car door closes]

♪

[Door opening and closing]

[Lock engages]

Let's see.

Okay, Dougie, are you telling me the truth,

or did you touch Daddy?

-No! I swear I didn't touch him.

-Then whose blood is this?

-I told you. It's God's.

-Okay, who was he and what did he look like?

-You know, Jesus.

He's wearing a costume.

But I know He was real 'cause He had real blood.

-Was he bleeding from his hand?

When you were trick-or-treating, did Satan kill Alex's father?

-When we were trick-or-treating, he threw a guy out a window.

-Was it a big brick house?

[Exhales heavily]

That man was Alex's father.

♪

And Jesus is Satan! -[Gasps]

[Pounding on door] [Both screaming]

♪

-Mom! [Both breathing heavily]

-It was so horrible.

He poisoned the punch.

It's so -- so horrible. -It's okay.

-So horrible. -It's okay. It's okay.

[Indistinct shouting]

-So, he hasn't come back?

-He's gone. -Where is he?

-He's gone, okay? He's gone.

Okay? [Smooches]

[Breathing heavily]

Oh, God.

[Breathes deeply]

-But why?

Why? Why us?

If it isn't Alex, then who is it?

-Oh, God. Alex.

He thinks that maniac is dead.

♪

-It's okay.

-Aah!

♪

[Keypad beeping]

[Telephone ringing]

♪

♪

[Ringing continues]

♪

[Ringing continues]

[Crickets chirping]

♪

[Ringing continues]

♪

Alex? [Line ringing]

Fuck!

[Breathing heavily]

There's no answer. I gotta go.

-No, you are not going out there.

-I have to! -No!

Fran Anderson called the Bay Shore police.

A helicopter will be coming here any minute now.

-I don't care! -No!

I have just lost a husband!

I am not going to lose you.

-Don't go out there. He'll kill you.

-Okay.

[All breathing heavily]

Okay.

[Crickets chirping]

♪

♪

[Glass shatters]

-Ah, ah.

-[Exhales heavily]

-[Whispering] I think it's down in the basement.

-[Exhales heavily] -It's Satan.

That's how he gets back to hell.

-[Breathing heavily]

♪

[Whispering] Follow me.

♪

♪

[Whimpering]

♪

[All breathing heavily]

♪

♪

-[Gasping]

♪

-Go.

-Just let him go back to hell! -Shh! Shh!

He killed Daddy.

His ass is fucking grass.

[Breathing heavily]

♪

♪

-[Breathing heavily]

♪

♪

-Okay.

Pick it up.

♪

♪

[Footsteps scraping]

Shh, shh.

[Water running]

[Breathing heavily]

[Faucet creaks, turns off]

-[Gasps]

♪

Ahh!

[Grunting]

It's him! Ahh!

[Grunting]

♪

[Groans]

-[Grunting]

[Knife plunges]

-Unh!

♪

[Both grunting]

♪

[Knife clatters]

[Both breathing heavily]

♪

-Okay. -Okay.

I know.

♪

♪

♪

♪

Oh, God.

Alex.

Alex.

No. Alex.

[Helicopter blades whirring]

-Mom! The helicopter!

I'm gonna go out and get it!

-Dougie, you stay where you are! -Alex?!

Alex! [Sobbing]

-Dougie!

[Helicopter blades whirring]

-Wait! Come back!

He's still getting us!

♪

Come on! He's still getting us!

Come back!

♪

Hello, helicopter, could you hear me?

This is Douglas Whooly.

Turn around. Come and save us.

We live at 66 Helen Street.

Come fast.

And over and out!

♪

You heard me?

Great.

♪

[Car door closes]

Come on.

[Crickets chirping]

♪

[Doorbell ringing]

-[Sobbing] [Smooches]

-Mom! Mom, come on up!

The police are here! We're safe!

-[Sobbing] -Come on.

Come on, sweetheart. Come on. Snap out of it.

Come on. Come on.

♪

♪

Oh. Thank God.

Come in.

♪

[Spray paint hissing]

♪

[Door creaks, closes]

♪

♪

-Mom, why doesn't he say something?

-He's afraid Satan will hear him.

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

-Who are you? Oh, dang.

I didn't recognize you without your mask.

-Very funny.

-You know, this movie does not get

any happier at the end, does it?

-I'm sorry, I love, love, love,

love this movie.

It's so fun and is a yearly tradition for me every year.

-You watch it every year? -Yes.

-Well, you were very instrumental in our getting it

on the show and it almost fell through a couple times.

And your love for it is what saved it.

So thank you, Satanic Darcy.

-It was worth every moment.

-And remember, we're not finished with

"Joe Bob's Beelzebub Bash."

We're delving into a much darker world

in our second movie tonight, "Late Night With the Devil."

Kind of a surprise hit this year,

but right now, I guess we're going to do some mailbag.

-Yes we are. Okay.

Very careful.

This is a it's a historic artifact.

-Okay.

-It comes from Chris Miller of Franklinton, North Carolina.

Be careful.

-Okay. -Be careful.

-Alright. It's in a --

Oh, some kind of Cracker Barrel brochure.

-Mm. -Um.

Let's see.

Oh, actually, it's a Cracker Barrel menu

for the Cracker Barrel in Lebanon, Tennessee.

And, um,

that's where Cracker Barrel originated in Lebanon.

Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute.

-Exactly. -It's hand-lettered.

-Yes. -You know what this is?

-Of course I do.

-This is the very first Cracker Barrel menu in history.

-Right. -Exactly.

-When there were only.

There were four Cracker Barrels in the in the whole world --

Uh, Lebanon on Interstate 40,

Manchester, Tennessee on Interstate 24,

Kerrville, Tennessee on Interstate 75,

and Dalton, Georgia on Interstate 75.

Wow.

And it's got all this lame hillbilly writing on it,

you know, like. Lame?

-Well, I mean, "If y'all like these vittles,

tell 'ur neighbors," all the bad spelling, you know,

"And help us out.

If you didn't, well, these here menus have graced

better outhouses than 'ur in."

[Laughter] -Ooh, shots fired.

-They hired the very best Madison Avenue copywriters

to do this original Cracker Barrel menu.

Uh, yes. City ham, $0.65.

Country Ham $1.20. -Whoa.

-[Laughing] I don't even know what that means.

-I don't either.

-Redeye gravy, $0.25.

a bowl of beans in ham hock.

-Yuck. [Chuckles] -Um, with cornbread, $0.70.

-I'll take the cornbread.

-Sho' nuff, hamburgers.

-[Laughs] -B-E-R-G-E-R-S, $0.60.

-Sho' nuff.

-This thing is -- This is American history.

-It's history. I'm not kidding.

-Thank you Chris Miller of Franklinton, North Carolina.

I don't know how he could part with this.

This has got to be from Cracker Barrel's

very first year in 1969.

And don't you feel sorry for people

who traveled to interstates before 1969?

I mean, can you imagine that at one time

there was a world without Cracker Barrel?

-Dark times, man. -I'm gonna frame this.

I'm gonna -- I'm gonna -- I'm gonna put this.

Well, I can't frame it because it's written on both sides.

But, you know, I'm gonna find some way

to display this on my desk

to remind me that sausage and biscuits in 1969

was a buck thirty-five,

and -- and -- and -- and I'm sure that was plenty of sausage

and plenty of biscuits.

-I knew you were gonna love it. And you're gonna frame it.

-Well, I'm gonna do something with it.

-Yes. -I'm gonna get emotional here

if we keep talking about it

'cause, you know, I love America.

[Laughter]

-Well, I'm really glad I picked that one.

-I need to take a break to get control of myself.

But for right now,

I'm Joe, Bob Briggs with Darcy the Mail Girl,

Uh, reminding you that I'd rather

put on a pair of pork chop panties

and run through a lion's cage then watch an indoor movie

because the drive-in will never die.

-It seems extreme.

-Armed robbers -- [Laughter]

Armed --

Armed robbers, bust into a bank. -Okay.

And they line everybody up against the wall.

And they start taking their wallets

and their watches and their jewelry.

And two of the bank's accountants

are standing there waiting to be robbed,

and one of the accountants

suddenly thrust something into the hand

of the second accountant.

And the second accountant whispers, "What is this?"

And the first accountant whispers back,

"It's the 50 bucks I owe you."

[Laughter]

No? -Unh-unh.

-You didn't like that one? Let me try again.

-Okay. -Okay, let me try again.

Police officer pulls over this guy

who's weaving in and out of the lanes.

He goes up to the guy's window and he says,

"Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer."

And the man says, "I'm sorry, officer.

I can't do that. I'm an asthmatic.

And if I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."

And the officer says, "Okay, fine.

Then I need you to come down to the station

to give me a blood sample."

He says, "I can't do that either.

I'm a hemophiliac, and if I do that, I'll bleed to death."

And the officer says, "Well, then...

I'm going to need a urine sample."

And the man says, "I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either.

I'm also a diabetic, and if I do that,

I'll get really low blood sugar."

And so the officer says, "Alright, then I need you

to come out here and walk this white line."

And the man says, "I can't do that either officer."

And the officer says, "Why not?"

The man says, "Because I'm drunk."

[Laughter]

-I'll take that one.

[Laughter]

♪