Original subtitles

They stole the President's car!

Hit it.

Keep your eye on her tail.

You dumb dipstick.

This one will really make your teeth itch.

The main road into Hazzard County ain't exactly the Pennsylvania Turnpike.

But occasionally it makes up in quality what it lacks in volume.

You've heard of Air Force One...

the President of the United States' private plane.

There's also Limo One, his official car.

When he goes South for a Visit, he sends it ahead...

so he can use it while he's down there.

Sector one, this is Lima One. We he almost out of gas.

And we could all use some coffee.

Which makes the Boers Nest the ideal spot for refueling.

-Fill her up? -Good. Thank you.

-Three coffees. -Would you like anything else?

Nothing that's on the menu.

Making eyes at Daisy Duke just goes to prove...

that lusting in the heart ain't necessarily confined to the Oval Office.

Bo still trying to get rid of his hiccups?

He's been holding his breath for a minute and a half.

One forty-five.

Looks good in blue, don't he?

I still say what you need is a good scare.

And the best way to get that in here is try the food.

How do you think I got the hiccups in the first place?

Let's get out of here.

See you, Daisy.

Now that is some kind of automobile.

Yes, sirree.

That there's the big boss' car, ain't it?

I'd be president just to ride that thing.

We'll see you later, Cooter.

You're the prettiest thing I've ever seen.

Big Mama, you mind if I just sit on your lap for a minute?

No doubt about it. Cooter was in love.

And blessed with the most talented hot-wiring fingers in Hazzard County...

it wasn't long before nature took its course.

Anybody order me a coffee?

I thought you were watching the limo.

From the men's room? I thought you were.

I don't believe it. It's gone. Get the others.

Get on it. Quick.

You realize, if we don't find that limo...

we're going to be picking peanuts the rest of our lives?

Go, go.

80, 90...

100,110...

-You know why you got them hiccups? -Why?

Because you scarf food like tomorrow was the first day...

of a six-month famine, that's why.

Cute.

I swear, these dang back country roads...

Did you see what I just saw?

I wish to heck I hadn't.

Crazy Cooter's gone and stolen the President's car.

No, Cooter would never do that. Maybe somebody just let him borrow it.

That somebody just changed his mind.

-Hit it. -10-4.

Dead end. You thinking what I'm thinking?

Like always.

I think they're thinking what we're thinking.

You think so?

Dead end. They must have gone up the other road.

Now what are you doing, Bo?

I don't know. Everything's working so far.

Good heavens!

You know, they really fly nice.

Let's hope they swim pretty good, too. Let's go find Cooter.

Don't you ever bust in here again without knocking.

You dang near made me cut off my counting thumb.

Listen, I'm sorry about that, but this is really important.

You know those auto thieves who've been working the county the last few months?

Yeah. No.

You ain't gone and caught them, have you?

No.

But they messed up. I mean, they really messed up this time.

-You know what they've done? -No.

They stole the President's car.

-They what? -They stole--

Limo One?

Those idiots stole the President's car?

I just wonder how much reward I'm going to get...

for bringing that important car back.

Lots.

Old Boss is quicker at finding angles to help himself than anyone in this county.

Maybe this continent.

Rosco, I think it behooves us to find that limousine...

before the people from Washington do.

Sol can return it to the President myself.

You'll do what?

And when the President writes me his thanks...

I'm going to frame his letter and hang it on this wall.

Right here.

-With a little light shining right on it. -Just twinkle, twinkle.

There's only one thing worse than a glutton...

and that's a fool. And this family has two of them.

Do you realize...

that by decoying them state troopers off Cooter's trail...

you made yourselves part and parcel to a felony?

We couldn't let him get caught. Cooter's our friend.

Besides, he's probably shed of the evidence by now.

That's beside the point.

The President's car is stolen in Hazzard County.

The President of these United States.

Now, you two find Cooter.

And you make sure he leaves that car somewhere where it'll be found.

And don't get yourselves caught in the process...

because if you do, I'm going to tan both your hides.

And get rid of them hiccups.

Hurry up.

All right, hurry up.

What you're seeing here is a man who knows the territory...

and how to use it.

This is a forgotten road to the old abandoned mining town of Choctaw.

When the ore disappeared 60 years ago, so did the people.

Boss used to use it to warehouse his moonshine.

But Boss had kept up with the times.

Take her in.

Now this here secret establishment is called a chop shop.

And there ain't a bite of meat on the premises.

You see, stolen cars are chopped up and sold for parts outside the country.

Of course, Boss hadn't bothered to tell Sheriff Rosco about it...

because he'd want a cut.

All right, where is it?

Where are you jackasses hiding the President's limo?

You must be funning with me, Boss. We ain't got no limousine.

-You don't? -No.

Of course, Dooley and Benteen, they're still out on their regular run.

They better make that a gallop. I want that car.

Me, too.

I ain't never chopped no President's limousine.

Why, you could get $40,000, $50,000 for it down in South America.

We ain't gonna chop the President's limo for no banana dictator.

It's going back in one piece.

It's my bounden duty. It's the President's limo.

Why, he might even phone me...

and thank me himself, in person.

-Who? -The President, that's who.

The kind of man he is, he would phone.

A letter would be too impersonal.

A telephone call from the President.

I took one look at that car, and it was L-U-V-E.

-You know what I got her up to? -What?

110, in second!

You still got them hiccups, Bo.

Cooter, where did you put the President's car?

In y'all's barn.

-In our barn? -Why?

It was as far as I could push her when she ran out of gas.

Enos, this is Sheriff Rosco. You got your ears on? Come on.

Yes, sir, Sheriff. Only you ain't using the correct radio procedure.

Enos, it'll do in a pinch, which is what I want you to do.

I want you to hightail it over to the Duke farm...

and see if you can spot that President's limo.

And if you do, I want you to clap the cuffs on Bo and Luke Duke.

Over.

You mean arrest them? What for?

For aiding and abetting whoever stole it.

Now, we both know who that is.

So I want you to bum rubber, boy...

and I'll be right behind you in your hip pocket.

-I'm gone. -Yes, sir.

Do you know what's going to happen if they find this here?

We're going to spend the next 10 years in jail.

Look, I'm really sorry, y'all.

That ain't nothing compared to what Uncle Jesse's going to do to us.

Grab that gallon can of gas.

We got to fill her up and get her out of here fast.

Afraid it's too late for that.

Don't that throw your hat in the creek?

They got a hot car that's too dry to drive...

and too big to hide...

and the law's getting closer every second.

I smell a little bit of shuck and five coming, don't you?

-Hey, Enos, how you doing? -Hey, Luke, how you doing?

You come around here looking for Daisy, like usual?

No, this is an official call, Luke.

I'm looking for the President's limousine.

I ain't seen Jimmy all morning. What makes you think his car will be here?

Sheriff Coltrane, he thinks it might be.

I got to do what he says to do, you know.

You want to look in our barn? You go right ahead.

That's mighty nice of you, Luke.

Jimmy lost his car, huh?

That's what the Sheriff says.

Anyway, I don't see how he could have lost such a big thing like that.

Daisy, you ought to be ashamed of yourself.

Didn't Jesse tell you to hang them unmentionables out of sight...

-down in the root cellar? -Hey, Enos...

you see anything wrong with what I'm doing?

Sure don't, Daisy.

Whatever happened to modesty?

Let's take a look in the barn.

The barn.

-You satisfied now? -That about does it for me, Luke.

There just ain't no place you could've hid that car.

I mean, even if it was here, which it obviously ain't.

-I'd best be going. -Hold on a second there.

You ain't checked the other side of the barn yet.

You're putting me on now.

Who's going to hide a car right out in the open like that?

Now, Enos, you never can tell.

This way...

you'll be able to tell Rosco you unturned every stone.

I like that. Thanks, Luke.

I unturned every stone. That's good. I'll tell him.

Daisy, I told you to quit that!

Uncle Jesse never said anything about bikinis.

That girl ain't got an ounce of shame.

Close your eyes, Enos.

Do I have to, Luke? I mean, I just won't look over that way.

All right.

Sure am sorry, Luke. I misjudged you.

-I'm sorry. -It's all right. No hard feelings.

I guess I better be going.

This old barn sure could use a coat of paint, couldn't it?

I'm afraid the extra weight would cave her in.

-Take it easy. -You bet.

Bye, Daisy.

-Are you ready? -Just about.

All right, let's go.

Take care, guys.

Enos, this is Sheriff Rosco.

You got them Duke boys apprehended yet? Come on.

No, sir. Didn't seem no point in it.

The President's car weren't on the farm. And I unturned every stone.

I don't think they had anything to do with it.

Enos, you ain't supposed to think.

Them Duke boys are as guilty as...

Oh, boy.

Judas priest on a pony. That was them.

Don't y'all worry about old Rosco none.

Ain't no way in the world he's going to catch this car.

Unless we have to stop for more gas.

There wasn't much more than a gallon in that can.

In a one-gallon can? No kidding.

I don't believe I said that.

Hang on.

You know something? Rosco done scared away my hiccups.

But old Boss wasn't going to give up...

because he could already smell that White House dinner on the stove.

You mean you was yea far...

from the Duke boys in the President's limousine...

and you let them slip off the hook?

It was a little further than that.

Rosco, when they were handing out the smarts...

you must have been in hiding.

-I didn't get any. -Didn't get any.

Let's look on the bright side of it, Boss.

At least we know now who's behind that auto-theft ring.

Forget that bunch, will you?

Just get me the Duke boys and that car.

Right.

I think I need a few more inches in the seat.

I think you need a foot.

I don't want to bust my britches...

while I'm bowing to the President's lady...

on my front porch...

where the President will probably bring her...

to thank me personal...

for finding that limousine.

What if I don't find it?

Then I'll have me a brand-new suit to wear when I visit you...

in the County poorhouse, where you'll be when you're fired.

Fired?

Would you mind holding that off for a while...

until he finishes making the payments on his uniform?

-Will you hush? -You owe me $12.

-Just hush. -You're paying for it.

You idiot, is that any place to put your pincushion?

It ain't, no.

-You dipstick. -I'm sorry.

I hate you.

Darned if that don't look like old man Pettigrew's barn.

Old man Pettigrew ain't gonna like us leaving this limo in his barn.

We got no choice.

That old boat sure don't run very far on a gallon of gas.

-That's for sure. -Now what?

Unless she runs on hay, we're going to have to get back to the farm...

for more gas and a couple of "I told you so's" from Jesse.

That has to be...

pure malarkey.

Hush.

How about them highway patrol officers, huh?

-They will testify. -To what?

Did they see who was driving the General?

Will they swear under oath that it was Bo and Luke?

They don't have to.

Because I saw them with my own eyeballs...

a half hour before, driving said stolen limousine.

That's just your word against theirs.

Now git!

He'd throw me out. Old goat.

This just ain't my day.

I just get rid of one fool, and three more come tearing in.

Uncle Jesse, we can explain the whole thing.

Which they did, to Jesse's dissatisfaction.

Old man Pettigrew's barn?

You get that car out of there right now, and get it out quick.

What for?

Cooter had the idea to siphon some gas out...

and stick it in the limo.

Luke had already figured on driving the limo to Collyer's Comer...

but he needed help.

Jesse was going to call the FBI and tell them where to pick it up.

And Daisy was gonna play cat and mouse with Enos.

Sheriff, Daisy just spotted me and took off like a hen in a foxhouse.

I'm following in silent pursuit down Weatherly Road.

Hot dang. She's probably leading us right to them Duke boys...

and that presidential limousine.

I'm coming right at you. Just keep your eye on her tail.

I sure will, Sheriff. I just love doing that.

You dumb dipstick, what are you trying to do?

Give me bodily injury?

All right, where is she? You let her go?

I didn't mean to.

-I don't know where she went. -Hush!

Don't talk back to me while I'm yelling at you.

Hold on, Bo, let's take a look.

-Nobody else inside. -This one's still alive.

We've got to get him some help. Come on, buddy.

You're going to be all right.

Now, that is right neighborly.

But you're the ones who need the help.

Y'all remember what I said about Hazzard?

Just stay with us, and I'm going to try and unwind this yarn.

This sure is my lucky day.

Just look what you boys are driving.

Let's cut this short. Back up, before somebody gets hurt.

Come on, this way. Move it.

Thanks for the car, boys. Pleasure doing business with you.

There are two accepted ways people get themselves a car:

They can buy one, or they can rent one.

The third way is called a Hazzard requisition.

Business?

I'd like to give him a little business.

Anyhow, we got rid of that limousine.

Just as Jesse's about to call in the FBI...

and get himself into a whole lot of trouble. Come on.

-Did you see that limo? -No.

He was going that way.

They came down this road. They were heading the other way.

Them crooks must've passed you somewhere along the way.

If they had, I'd have seen them. That limousine is pretty hard to miss.

You must've missed it. There are no other side roads between--

There is no other way they could have gone, except maybe...

The Choctaw Road turnoff.

Ain't nothing up there but old beer cans and rattlesnakes.

It's worth a look. Come on.

-Shotgun! -You always get the shotgun.

Ain't it amazing how coincidental fate works...

with Daisy showing up like that?

Pay attention, because you're gonna see it work again.

How many white Cadillacs with steer horns are there in Hazzard County?

There is exactly one.

Daisy, back into these trees right here. Cut her sharp.

Cut it hard. You got it.

Just like Ali Babe and the big fat thief.

Open sesame.

I wonder what old Boss is up to anyway.

Probably the same thing we're up to. Looking for the limo.

Nobody would ever suspect those bushes were fake.

Better turn this car around, in case we got to make a quick getaway.

Let's go, you guys.

Come on, open up. Open up, there.

-No room inside, Boss. -That's all right, Dooley.

I just came to warn you boys...

Wait a minute.

Don't you lay a hand on that vehicle.

Get me out of here.

Little Nell saved by Simon Legree.

Boss sure got himself a first-class chop shop.

-You got to hand it to him. -If you don't, he'll take it anyway.

I wish I'd had y'all take your boots off before I agreed to this.

You're about to crush my gizzard.

Two more are coming right up behind me.

Thanks, Daisy.

That makes six.

No, it's just five.

-Boss don't count. -Shoot fire Boss don't count.

You pull money out from under Boss Hogg's nose...

and you got one mean little rooster in a white suit.

I'm sorry.

I'll forgive you, but I ain't sure he will.

Bet y'all think we ain't ever gonna get this one squared away.

-Hey, Chet. -Yeah?

Get on over here. We need you inside.

All right.

-Come on, let's get out of here. -Yeah, let's go.

Jesse, this is us. Do you copy? Over.

He's got to be monitoring another channel. Try six.

Boss Hogg calling Sheriff Rosco Coltrane. Over.

Will you answer me, you clunk? Over.

Consarn it, Rosco. When I speak, you better wake up. Over.

This is Sheriff Rosco Coltrane here.

I'm over here on the County Road.

I'm headed up toward Tucker Ridge. It's a beautiful day.

Rosco, shut off that fool weather report and listen good.

Your search is over.

I repeat, your search is over. Over.

You mean you got that presidential limousine?

That's great. Over.

I told you to shut up, you numskull.

Now, you want the whole county to learn...

that I finally found that certain object? Over.

Certain object?

I thought you were talking about the presidential limousine car.

I am, you jackass. Let's go.

Rosco, listen...

I'm having that object...

delivered to me over at the Boers Nest in about an hour.

That'll be 3:00.

I want you to have the State Police, the FBI...

and everyone else who's been looking for that object...

at my office in town at 3:30.

3:30, understand? Over.

That's a big 10-4, little fat buddy. Anything else?

Yeah, just one more thing.

Do you think my left profile or my right profile...

would look best on a stamp?

Those two sure make a cute couple, don't they?

Yeah, kind of like a skunk and a polecat.

Uncle Jesse, where are you? Over.

Don't you ever leave me hanging like that again.

What's been happening?

We found the limo but we'll need your help to get it back. Over.

-Where are you, anyway? -At the old barn on Choctaw Road.

You'll have to bring some things with you, and fast.

Rosco, what are you doing here?

Good news, Boss. I got arrows.

Now we can pin the whole thing on them Duke boys.

How's that?

These are the arrows they used in the possum shoot last week.

What you do is take these arrows and put them in the limousine, and then--

Rosco, I know what to do.

You hightail it into town, like I told you...

and have the FBI men and State Troopers at my office at 3:30...

when I come rolling down that road in that limousine.

Ain't nothing going to stop me now.

You're going to be high hog at the trough.

-I'm also your brother-in-law. -That's right.

Which I won't be anymore--

-If| foul up one more time. -...if you foul up one more time.

-Now get on. -I'm gone.

Here you go.

Thanks a lot for the arrows, Uncle Jesse. They ought to do just fine.

You just be careful where you shoot them. We don't want to get nobody hurt.

Don't worry.

I got a feeling Daisy's gonna do a lot more damage than we are.

Come on.

Darn it.

Having some trouble there, little lady?

Sure am.

This engine keeps stalling and bucking, and I just don't know what to do.

Shucks.

-Sure your carburetor's working okay? -Can't say.

I don't rightly know which one of these gadgets is the carburetor.

It's just no use me trying to fool with this engine.

What I need is a man who knows something about these things.

How'd you like to step out from behind that silly old gate...

and give it a go?

I'd love to, honey.

But if I opened that lock I'd get fired for sure.

Most boys in Hazzard County would figure it'd be worth the risk.

I mean, after it's done, we could sit awhile...

get to know each other a little better maybe.

If you ain't coming out to help...

I guess I better go find me a man that will.

Bye, sugar.

Let me go!

Somebody, help!

Stop it. Let go!

Hot ding dang!

What's the matter? You said there wasn't a lock you couldn't pick.

-Get at it. -There ain't no lock I can't pick.

But this here is a combination lock. Ain't no keyhole to pick at.

We ain't got time to wait.

You're a decoy. I should've known.

Get up. Get over there.

Hold it right there.

Throw them guns down on the floor, boys.

Come on, do it!

Kick them on over here, next to me.

There was four of you. Where's the other two?

Right behind you, country boy.

Now, drop that bow before this thing goes off.

Come on, you two. Where did you two come from?

You're going to have to ram it.

Come on, y'all. Get in!

Daisy's going to meet us up ahead there at the fork.

Everybody out.

Come on, get out of there. You, too, in the back.

Now look what you've done. You done scared his hiccups back.

Here it comes. My own train to glory.

This is going to be the happiest day of my life.

Wait! Slow down. I'm supposed to drive it from here.

You Dukes.

You lowdown danged dirty Dukes!

Naturally, the FBI took Jesse's word about finding the President's car.

That got Center and the boys off the hook, and put the chop shop out of business.

There you go. One more time.

Twenty-eight's my lucky number.

This'll do it.

I still say you're supposed to bend over backwards...

and drink it upside down.

Hello.

Yes, sir.

Hello, Mr. President.

Yes, sir.

Yes, sir, I'm proud of them, too.

I'll tell you, sir, the shape this country is in...

you don't want to be having supper with an old moonshiner.

Of course, that was along time ago.

Just the invitation was honor enough.

Thank you, sir. Goodbye, Mr. President.

That there was the President of these US of A States.

Uncle Jesse, I can understand your not wanting to go to Washington...

but why didn't you invite him over here?

He'll probably bring his family along...

and we only got six plates, and two of them are chipped.