Original subtitles

*** Subtitles by Apgel Vers 2.0 **********

Hey, Larry, Larry Moore, Hey.

Larry

(TIRES SQUEALING)

Larry

- I can't believe it, Larry Moore. - That's right.

- Jack, Jack Mitchell. - Hey, Jack how are you, it's nice to see you.

- You don, know who I am. - Well of course I do you are Jack Mitchell.

It's 'cause I'm bald. I am Jack Mitchell

That's right.

We are fraternity brothers

Jesus, Jack Mitchell?

(LAUGHS)

Hey, you look great, you look really great.

Thank you, you look fine too.

- Hey, come on let me buy you a drink. - Well look I' ve got to, uh...

Oh no. Come on I' m going buy you a drink, buddy. That's it.

You know I live in Utica

No I, I, I didn't know that.

You like it there?

Oh, it's great, it's really great.

But....

- It's not like here - (LAUGHS) Yeah.

You know I married Ella.

- You remember Ella. - Sure. How is she?

You don't remember Ella.

Of course I remember Ella.

- Fine. - What?

- Ella she's just fine, - That's great.

Do you... do you see any of the old guys?

Not, not very much.

I ran into Jay Reinfeld the other day.

Oh. Hey, how is Jay?

Just great.

Listen, Larry, uh,

I was wondering, uh...

Well...

I'm only gonna be in town a little while.

I was wondering if you know any, uh...

You know, girls.

(LAUGHS)

(TELEPHONE RINGS) T.R.: Hello?

MITCHELL: Uh, hello, is this T.R.?

Yes.

My name is Jack Mitchell

I' ve Just arrived in town

I am only gone be here for a day or two...

Uh, Larry gave me your name.

Hello.. T.R? hello?

Hello!

Yes!

Uh, well... I was wondering if, uh,

if you could come and see me. I mean if we could get together.

Uh, how about it? Come on.

Hello.

T.R.?

All right.

Great! Uh....

That's terrific, that's really terrific. Uh..

Are you free right now?

Yes.

Ah.., well, I am in the Sherman house.

Room 1453.

Do you know where that is?

- That' s on the 14th floor. - What?

Yeah, I know where it is.

A...

Teriffic, I'll see you in a few minutes then.

T.R.:Right. Are you alone?

MITCHELL:Oh, yes.

- How will I recognize you? - What?

Never mind I'll see you in a few minutes.

(ENGINE REVVING)

Tough luck, you missed me. Wanna start over?

We can try again.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

(CHATTER ON RADIO)

Uh, hello there.

Hi.

Uh, come in!

Come In!

- Let me take your coat. - Mmm.

(MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Please sit down.

- Would you like a drink? - No, thank you.

- Are you sure? - Yes.

So!

- cigarette? - No thank you.

- Are you from Chicago? - No I'm from Ohio.

Ohio. I go to Ohio every once in awhile.

Cleveland, I go to Cleveland.

- Are you from Cleveland? - No I'm from Findlay.

Finley!

Ever hear it?

Sure I have I I just don't think I've ever been there.

What brought you from Findlay Ohio to Chicago?

An airplane.

T.R.: The Y, please... WCA.

CAB DRIVER: ...you know, it's always good.

I tell you that Larrabee Street exit

sometimes ain't so good, so maybe the best thing to do

is to stay on until Clark Street.

Hey, your first time in Chicago, huh? Yeah?

...isn't so good either. Maybe Wabash is better.

Watch it there. Move over.

Hey, you know, Wabash ain't so hot either.

Maybe... Uh, maybe we oughta take, uh...

It's only a couple hours to get. It's all skrood up, you know...

It's only the couple of hours that Kedzie gets all screwed up, you know?

CAB DRIVER TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

...they shouldn't allow trucks in the daytime anyhow.

Ah, they can make their deliveries at night.

Yeah. Wouldn't screw things up that way.

Hey, watch it!

I hate them creeps in them little cars.

Like bugs they are, bugs!

(TRAFFIC WHISTLE BLOWS)

MAN: Taxi, taxi! Hey, taxi!

(MAN WHISTLES)

CAB DRIVER: People talk about pollution, you know.

You know how to get rid of pollution in the streets, huh?

Get rid of them little cars and trucks.

(TRAFFIC WHISTLE BLOWS)

(CAB DRIVER TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

All them little cars and trucks.

Pollution, everywhere is pollution, you know what I mean?

(TAXI METER CLICKS OFF)

Well, I hope you like Chicago.

Hey, that's 50 Cent for the bags.

WOMAN: Is there any mail for room 208?

Hello Operator I'd like to send a telegram please to Findlay Ohio.

F.I.N.D.L.A.Y.

Mr. and mrs. Harold Baskin, B.A.S.K.I.N, 1225 Gehrig Avenue

G.E.H.R.I.G, Finlay.

Uh, dear Mom and Dad,

have gone to Chicago to seek fame and fortune.

Arrived safe and unarmed.

Don't be mad.

Um, would you change that?

Uh, don't wait up. Love, T.R.

No, "T" as in tree, "R". Yeah.

That' s all ther is.

Um, room 1553.

Yeah, thank you.

(T.R. HANGS UP PHONE)

(CHILDREN SHOUTING)

(RINGS DOORBELL)

(BABY CRYING)

Yeah? Is this "charming studio apartment

"in ideal location, reasonable, inquire"?

Yes, come in. Come in.

You have your own bathroom..

heat and water included, a nice place..

nothing fancy, but it is a nice place.

- That's only $110 a month. - What?

110 a month heat and water included.

- What's the matter? - It's not exactly what I expected.

Well what you 'd expect?

I dont't know...

but not the waiting room of Greyhound bus station!

Oh, you 're right kid!

If I'm out of town, right? This is Chicago, now you don't know about Chicago...

110 a month in Chicago will get you this if you're lucky, and nothing more.

It's not so bad you know!

You don;t beleive me, right?

Well go and look for your self. You'll find out.

What's the matter?

You're worried about the neighborhood huh? Right?

You worried about walking about this neighborhood at night, right?

Listen kid I wouldn't walk anywhere in this city at night.

Hey, if you want anything better you'd have to pay two to three hundred.

You don't believe me, go and see yourself. You 'll see.

- Can I help you? - No thank you, I'm fine.

What do you want to see?

- Kathy Simon? - Just a moment.

Miss Simon? There is a young lady here to see you.

Now what do you mean miss?

T.R. Baskin.

Named Baskin.

All right. You can go up.

- Appartment 15C. - Thank you.

- Are you T.R.? - T.R. Yeah.

Yes.

- I'm Kathy. - Hi.

This is really nice whole.

Oh. I 'm so stupid. Lets go inside.

I 'm sorry. I am so excited. I Just can't beleive it.

My newie just run out and got married, just like that.

And now I was stuck for other room mate

I was so depressed, I mean not one word, anything and there I was...

And the there was the ad in the paper I was creazy, I was ESP you know what I mean.

Sit down and tell me about yourself

A, Well there's not really very much to tell, I mean different from anybody else

Oh, not much...

Are you married,engaged or anything like that?

No, not anything like that.

Me neither. It 's to early for me if you know what I mean.

I mean, I want to have my fun now and get it all out of my system

I mean, some girls just rush right in and get married and then

later on they feel like they've missed something.

I don't want to feel like I've missed something, you know what I mean?

Now, how much can you afford?

Uh, about 125, maybe 150 if I eat erasers for lunch.

I can't believe it! I just can't believe it, that's perfect.

The apartment costs 300, so your 150 and my 150, that's 300.

Yes, it is.

Could I see the rest of it?

Oh, I'm so stupid, of course.

Well now, this is the living room.

It's very nice.

We'll add furniture later, of course,

but I'd rather live here than on one of those

dingy streets with all the furniture in the world, if you know what I mean.

Tiara, that's quite a name for a building.

It means "crown".

And this is your bedroom.

I think two bedrooms is mandatory, if you know what I mean.

Listen, what you do is your own business, if you know what I mean.

Well, now for the bathroom.

We also have a nice small kitchen.

By the way, do you cook?

- A little. - Huh!

Well, what do you think?

I think you send out for food a lot.

Oh, that's wonderful! I just can't believe it,

this is gonna work out so perfectly, I just know it will.

You don't walk around naked all the time, do you?

- Huh? - Some girls like to walk around naked.

My roommate in school used to do that.

She used to just stand in front of the mirror,

in the raw, mind you. Just stand there and stare at herself.

It used to make me so nervous, if you know what I mean.

You don't do that, do you?

Listen about schedules,

I'm usually gone two or three days

and then I'm home two or three days

and I just love my sleep, if you know what I mean.

I hope you don't squeeze the toothpaste

in the middle of the tube or anything like that,

I just couldn't stand that. By the way do you smoke?

I smoke, but only occasionally and then only in private

if you know what I mean.

Listen, I think privacy is the basis of all good relationships,

don't you agree? It's very important.

(RINGS DOORBELL)

Yeah, Larry told me a lot about you.

He certainly did.

What did he say?

He said when I get to Chicago I should be sure to look you up.

Really? That's a lot to say.

Well, how about a drink? Are you sure you don't want a drink? - No, thank you.

Did Larry ever tell you that after my parents died

I spent two years in Vietnam as a nurse in a Marine field hospital?

No! Gee, that's rough.

What was it like over there?

How the hell should I know? I was never there.

I just wondered if Larry ever told you I was in Vietnam.

Well, why would he tell you... I...

You were in Vietnam if you weren't there?

Well, that's dumb. Why would I ask you

if Larry ever told you I was in Vietnam if I was never there?

- Well, I don't know. - Neither do I.

- How far do you live from here? - About a thousand a month.

- INTERVIEWER: Are you married? - T.R.: No.

- Have you ever been married? - No.

- Parents? - A complete set.

- Are they alive? - They certainly are.

Have you ever had malaria, tuberculosis,

rheumatic fever, heart disease, kidney disease or any mental illness?

No, no, no, no, no.

No.

- Have you ever been convicted of a felony? - Twelve arrests, no convictions.

Here, take these to Accounting.

You get Christmas and Easter and all legal holidays.

On behalf of the management, I would like to take this opportunity

to welcome you to the I.L.T. family.

I'm sorry, I had to step out for a moment. Can I help you?

- Is this Accounting? - What's your name? - T.R. Baskin.

- How do you spell that? - Capital "T", capital "R".

- No, Paskin. - B-A-S-K-I-N.

"P" as in Peter? No, "B" as in bedlam.

You're in the wrong department, this is "N" through "Z".

This is "N" through "Z".

We handle all employees with names that begin with the letters "N" through "Z".

You're a "B", you belong in "A" through "M".

T.R.: Oh. Well, where is that?

Two corridors down. It's the last door on your left.

Thank you very much.

- Is this "A" through "M"? - Yes. What's your name, please?

Baskin, with a "B" like in baloney. I belong here.

- Take those and give them to the girl there. - Okay, thanks. - Mmm-hmm.

Hi, sit down.

Can I have those please?

T.R. Baskin...

Is that your whole name, T.R.? Or is that short for anything?

- Uh-uh, that's it. - (LAUGHS)

My name's Dayle Wigoda.

- Did you just come from the bitch? - Yeah. - Mmm.

(IMITATING) Do you have a history of mental illness?

I think she has it, that's why she's so hung up on it.

You get paid every other Friday.

I know it stinks, but that's how they do it here.

And you can cash personal checks at the Cashier's,

but it can't total more than $25 a week.

Here's your ID card. Just sign it here.

If you want to come into the building at night or on the weekend,

you have to show it to the security guard.

You also have to be crazy. Here's your employee book.

It tells you all sorts of goodies, like you can't wear slacks

and how to get to the coffee shop.

Here's your health plan information booklet,

and another one on your stock purchase plan.

Both of them are rotten.

- Are you from Chicago? - No, I'm from Ohio.

- Did you just get here? - Yeah.

- Do you have a place? - Mmm, I just found one. - Oh.

Well, if there's anything I can do,

anything, just call me or something.

Ask for Accounting and when you get Accounting,

- ask for the "B's". - The "B's"?

Mmm. I'm the "B's". (LAUGHS)

I work on just the "B's".

That's why you're here.

You'd be surprised how many "B's" work in this place.

Do you like it?

Well, most of the guys in Accounting are pretty nerdy,

but it happens to be an absolutely super place to find out things.

Now I know how much everybody makes

and I know who's getting fired even before they know.

Listen, I don't mean to pry or anything,

but since you're new here, you probably don't know a lot of people.

Well, I'd be more than happy to fix you up, I really would.

Okay, well, thanks a lot.

- Hey, don't forget. - The "B's".

We expect you to think of your desk

as your "home during the day," so to speak.

Just as you wouldn't keep a dirty home,

we don't think you should keep a messy desk.

Now, you are allowed two coffee breaks.

One in the morning and one during the afternoon.

They may not exceed 10 minutes.

You also have one hour for lunch.

Look up and down your row, Miss Baskin.

That is your row.

You may determine your own lunch and coffee breaks,

so long as there is always somebody in your row at all times.

You may work that out with the rest of your row.

Are there any questions?

Good.

On behalf of the management, I would like to take this opportunity

to welcome you to the I.L.T. family.

(CACOPHONY OF TYPEWRITERS)

(TYPING)

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

(ELEVATOR MUSIC PLAYING)

AUTOMATED VOICE: Kindly push the button for the desired floor.

Step to the rear of the elevator and face the front.

(ELEVATOR MUSIC RESUMES)

Level one. Cashier and Employees' Lounge. Thank you.

- Don't mention it. - (ELEVATOR BUZZES)

DAYLE: T.R.?

Hey, T.R.! Over here!

Come on over.

Hey, how are you?

Hey. Come on.

This is T.R. Baskin. This is Marsha Kaufman and Linda Medcalf.

- Hi. - Hi, D.R.

- No, T.R. - T.R. works on the 23rd floor,

Branch Relations.

- That's Roger Fry's floor. - Mmm.

The whole floor?

Roger Fry is in your department. He thinks he's gorgeous.

Is he?

He would be if he weren't married.

He also thinks he can make it with any girl in the building.

Can he?

I don't know. So far he's worked his way up

to the 42nd floor and he's only 67% effective.

Do all you guys work together?

Mmm, Marsha's "G's" and Linda's "H's".

- And you get to eat together? - Mmm-hmm.

Ohh! Here comes Alice Hinds.

She works in Sales.

She thinks she's nothing less than terrific

just because she has big boobs.

Dayle!

I'd trust her about as far as I could throw the building.

Hi, Alice!

This is T.R. Baskin. She just started.

Oh, what kind of name is that?

Lithuanian.

What?

T.R. works in Branch Relations.

T.R. works in Branch Relations.

It's not bad. What do you do here?

Oh, the same thing we all do here. Hunt.

She's on Roger Fry's floor.

Oh, that's right. Branch Relations.

Well, that's going to be interesting.

He's married, you know.

Yeah, I've been told.

- Oh, he's gonna like you. - Why?

Mmm, 'cause you're his type.

Well, what's his type?

Any female over 12 and under 70 who doesn't have a harelip.

The age requirements may be lifted in special circumstances.

Oh, no, there's Eilene Flanders, I hope she doesn't see us.

DAYLE: She probably will. She just got new contact lenses.

- Oh, Christ, here she comes. - What's the matter with her?

Oh, nothing, if you don't mind sluts.

Hi, Eilene.

Oh, this is T.R. Baskin, she's new.

Oh. Hi, P.R.

T.R. Hi.

Listen, I was just going anyway, so it was very nice meeting all of you.

ALL: Bye.

Hmm!

How do you like it here?

I'm not wild about the drapes.

No, no, I mean Chicago.

So do I.

You're makin' fun of me.

No, I'm not.

Look, uh, I know I'm not so smart but..

Even I know when someone's makin' fun of me.

I'm not making fun of you.

What do you want to come here and make fun of me for?

Look, Larry told me you were a great-looking girl,

and you certainly are.

Larry never said you were gonna give me such a hard time.

You're absolutely right, Jack Mitchell.

I have no right to give you a hard time,

especially if Larry never told you I would.

No siree, no hard time, not from this cookie.

Well?

Oh, uh...

Yeah, yeah, uh...

(LOCKS DOOR)

(WATER RUNNING)

(BATHROOM DOOR OPENS)

(SIREN WAILING)

(SIGHS)

What's the matter, Mister Mitchell?

I can't.

Why not?

I don't know.

(LAUGHING)

What's so funny?

(LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING)

I'm not laughing at you.

(LAUGHING)

Would...would you like to talk?

(LAUGHING)

Boy, now I know where my grandmother used to get her perfume.

(LAUGHS)

I smell like a fruit stand.

Well, you're excused, lady.

I'm sorry.

C'est magnifique, no?

- Do you like it? - I'm not wild about it.

I think it's super.

Buy it.

Well, I don't know.

Is it always like this?

Normally it's crowded.

- You sure you don't want a date for Friday? - No, thank you.

What are you gonna do, stay home?

I got things to do.

- Like what? - I like to read.

You can read Monday through Thursday.

Come on, T.R., I'm not askin' you to marry the guy,

just have a date with him.

I'll be there with you, carrying a can of mace to protect you,

from attack if that's what you're worried about.

I don't see why you don't do it.

You know, he isn't exactly hunchback.

He doesn't rape old ladies.

I used to know this guy who raped old ladies,

he was a very close friend of my uncle's.

SALESWOMAN:I think it looks just lovely.

It's a little full in the shoulder, but...

It's 34 sizes too large. Do you have it in a 10?

No, I'm sorry, honey. It's the only one like it in the whole store.

It's a very popular number.

Wait a minute, come on over here with me.

I do have something else that's just right for you.

Everybody's been wearing it,

and I know I have it in a size 10 'cause I put one

away for a customer this morning.

There. Isn't that perfect?

Yeah, that's very nice. How much is it?

$74.95.

It's not exactly what I'm looking for, you know?

Look, I met Gary a couple weekends ago skiing.

He's really nice, and he was there with his friend.

Do you understand, T.R.?

I saw him. I actually saw him.

He walks, he talks, he's absolutely super.

Actually, I'm doing you a favor.

Thanks a lot.

Hey, look, I wanna get a stuffed animal for my kid brother, okay?

T.R... Hey there, giraffe.

I don't understand you.

What do you mean?

Look, do you want to stay home alone? Is that what you want?

It's just that I don't really like blind dates, you know?

And I'm fine, I'm really fine.

Mmm. Oh, boy, this is silly. We only have an hour.

Besides, I don't even have a brother.

Look, all we're gonna do is go to dinner and then have a few drinks or something,

whatever you want. He happens to be loaded.

Maybe we can get them to take us some place expensive.

What have you got to lose?

Why is it so important to you that I have a date?

I mean, how come you're crusading for this great eligible catch?

I promised Gary I'd get him someone nice for his friend.

Well, I'm really flattered but what about your friends?

Those two girls you're always with?

You mean Linda and Marsha?

- Yeah, what about them? - Oh, they're trolls.

Look, T.R., please as a favor, say yes.

- What's his name? - Arthur.

Arthur! Oh, wow!

Oh, T.R.!

Okay.

Super. I appreciate it. I really do.

I don't agree with you. I think it's super.

Hey, where the hell did you get that scarf?

I didn't see you pay for that.

Oh, you are sweet. Hah!

Hey, Jake Mitchell?

What's Elmira like?

I don't know.

Aren't you from Elmira?

No, Utica.

I'm from Utica.

What's it like?

You don't give a damn about Utica.

Yes, I do.

Why?

I don't know.

You don't give a damn.

Boy. Larry never said you were gonna give me such a hard time.

(EXHALES)

(SIGHS)

What do you want to know about Utica?

What's it like?

Well, it's small, you know?

Maybe it's a little ugly.

But it's nice.

I can't tell you why, but it's nice.

Don't you get bored there?

I don't know.

When you live in Utica you always hear about New York and Chicago.

You know, making it in New York and Chicago is making it.

But I'll tell you something.

Utica doesn't frighten people.

Do you understand what I mean?

I mean you can see all the things here, but,

you never feel relaxed.

You never feel you can act natural.

You never know whether the people on the street like you or hate you.

It's strange, isn't it?

I always can't wait to come here,

and after I'm here a few days, I wind up missing Utica.

Listen, it's weird, you know. You miss things that you never expect to miss.

For instance, you know what I miss? Flies.

You know a nice place should have a fly or two,

not all over, just this resident couple playing in the lobby,

just to remind everybody that they're organic.

A fly came into the place where I work last Thursday.

And nobody knew what it was, they hadn't seen one for so long.

It didn't have an employee number so they killed it.

(LAUGHS)

ARTHUR: That works out perfectly.

That's four halves, that's two whole pies.

T.R. and I will share one pie, half sausage, half green pepper.

And you two will have the half mushroom, half anchovy.

How much should we order?

Well, how big is large?

I don't know. Well how hungry is everybody?

You hungry, T.R.? Yeah. I think everybody's hungry.

Well all right, then I think we should order the two large.

Well how do we know we can finish two large ones?

It's better to have some left over than not enough.

DAYLE: Why don't we order one large and one medium?

Well see, if we do that, then two will get less of their choice

than the other two, I mean 'cause we're ordering different halves.

I think we should definitely order the two large.

GARY: Right. Okay, fine. Right? Good.

Uh, Ms.? Fine. I'll be right there.

- Ah, would you mind if I changed my order. - What?

Instead of anchovies, I'd like to switch to green peppers.

All right, all right, uh, let me see.

Okay. Well, that means that Dayle and I will share a pie,

instead of T.R.

And Gary will now share with T.R.

Now Dayle and I will have green pepper and T.R. and Gary will have

the mushroom and sausage.

And I assume we all want beer, right? (LAUGHS) GARY: Hear, hear!

Uh, we would like two large pies. One all green peppers,

one mushroom and sausage.

And we want four steins of beer.

DAYLE: I was just telling T.R. how you spend $8 for a haircut.

Oh, They do more than just cut your hair.

It's very nice.

Thank you.

I like your tie.

Oh, really?

(CHUCKLES)

Thanks.

ARTHUR: Is that a Polo? Mmm-hmm.

ARTHUR: I've been looking all over for one of those. Where did you get it?

GARY: Frank Brothers.

Yeah. Frank Brothers has nice stuff.

I'm going skiing again this weekend.

Ahh, I have to work.

- You have to work on a weekend? - Yup.

- What do you do? - I'm a builder.

Do you build anything in particular?

Mmm, small developments, you know, apartments and shopping centers.

That's nice.

How did you become a builder?

It was easy. My father owns the business.

(LAUGHING)

Hey, my goddamn car is finally fixed.

Oh yeah, how much did that come to?

I don't know, the insurance company took care of the whole thing.

I have a sports car, an XKE,

and five weeks ago it was stolen.

Three days later, the cops found it wrapped around a tree.

The radio was gone, it was an AM-FM.

And the stereo. I had a four-track stereo tape in there.

At least whoever stole it probably likes music.

It was my fault. Should have known better.

I never should have parked it there.

- Where? - Where do you think?

I don't know. Where?

We're building an urban renewal project on the West Side.

And I always take the company car, always.

But this one time was a Friday and I was going out of town.

So I thought, well, why change cars?

Probably some junkie.

Oh, don't tell me it was some junkie.

The company car has a radio in it and a telephone,

but it's never been stolen. (LAUGHS) Oh, no.

No, an Oldsmobile isn't good enough for one of them.

Well, when you get money for not working,

then you begin to think that anything you want is yours.

T.R. is an absolutely super reader.

Hmm, really? What do you like best?

Mostly Lebanese classics.

Nice.

Would you excuse me for a second?

I'll come with you.

I really like that tie.

And I caught that remark about Lebanese books.

What are you giving him a hard time for?

You know, he happens to be absolutely loaded.

And you happen to be acting like a blob.

I don't understand it.

What's the matter with you?

I'm talking to you.

What do you have against him?

Well, well, did you enjoy yourselves? (LAUGHING)

(LAUGHS AWKWARDLY)

Would, uh, anybody like to smoke?

Oh. (LAUGHS) Yeah, let me see.

Hmm? Oh, yeah.

That is good stuff.

Oh, my. How do you like it here?

It's a nice place.

No, I mean Chicago.

Oh, Chicago's a nice place.

What do you do at I.L.T.?

She's in Branch Relations. I handle her personnel file.

- I'm a B. - What?

Do you like working there?

Yeah, it's pretty nice.

I'm not gonna die of over-stimulation.

(LAUGHS) You know you, you sound like one of those Women's Liberation people.

(LAUGHS) Why?

I don't know. Would you like to be president of the company?

Yeah, that might be fun. (LAUGHING)

No, a woman should get stimulation, uh...

Should get stimulation out of a home and children.

I'm working on an electric breast. Anyone can wear it, then you can stay home.

(LAUGHING)

Oh, no, I wouldn't want to work for a woman.

You don't have to, your father owns the company,

not your mother.

GARY: Uh, when is that development gonna be completed?

Ah, we promised April. I think we can have it finished by then.

DAYLE: What's it gonna look like?

Well, you know what those projects look like.

They all start out clean.

And then all the people who complain about living in

rat-infested buildings move in.

In two weeks it's dirty.

And then in two months, it looks like the buildings that we just tore down.

Honest to God, you know what they...

They throw their garbage out of the windows.

I swear, I could show you the places.

You know, I don't think these people ever learned how to keep their homes clean.

Why don't we go somewhere where there's some good music?

Hey, that's a good idea.

How about McGuire's?

Oh, I'm not... I'm not really crazy about McGuire's.

DAYLE: Oh? Oh, I'll go if everyone else wants go.

What do you think, T.R.?

I think you're a schmuck.

- Where do you work? - I.L.T.

I.L.T.?

What do they make at I.L.T.?

I don't know. You have to be there three years before they tell you.

Hmm. I'm with Con-Amalgamate.

- What do you do? - I'm in the Catalogue Division.

You sell catalogues?

No, no, Con-Amalgamate sells all its products through a catalogue.

Oh.

In other words, you can buy the product in this Con-Amalgamate store

- or you can order it through the catalogue. - Oh.

That's why I'm here in Chicago. You see Chicago is the headquarters.

I'm in the Automotive Parts section.

The Automotive Parts section of the Catalogue Division?

(CHUCKLES) Utica Branch.

I know a girl who spends her whole day working on B's.

Eight hours a day, working on one letter of the alphabet.

She really knows that letter.

Do you know that there's nothing for your car that we can't sell you?

Nothing? As a matter of fact that's why I'm here.

You see, we're introducing a new tire.

It's a steel-belted tire.

You can't have a blowout.

That's nice.

I see you're fascinated.

No listen, I mean it, that's nice.

I mean if you need a new tire you can just pick up your catalogue,

and zocko! You have your new tire.

You have a problem and you solve it, period.

When I die, I want to die from something that you can spot right away.

You know, like a fantastic heart attack or drowning.

Anything but going to a hospital and having some creep telling you

you have to take more tests.

Hmm. Well, I don't care how I die, I just don't wanna die.

I wanna die young and neat. I don't want to die old and sloppy.

Wait 'till you're older and see what you say.

Like the Eskimos, you know. When you're an old Eskimo and you can't cut it,

they just take you out in the snow and leave you there.

It sounds cruel, but it has it's dignity.

Nobody ever asked an old Eskimo what they thought of all of that.

AUTOMATED VOICE: Main Floor. Lobby and public telephones.

(CARS HONKING)

(DOG BARKING)

(BABY CRYING)

MAN ON RADIO: ...sit around and wait for him to have a nap.

MAN 2: You don't have to wait. We're gettin' outta here.

MAN 1: Try it, you can't.

(MUSIC PLAYS)

* If you wanna see your baby every night

* You gotta hang around and smile

* 'Cause if you hang around with a sour puss

* You just know that's not her style, uh, uh, uh *

(MUSIC SLOWLY FADES)

MAN: We must sell, sell, sell regardless.

MAN 2: My friends, grab this '69 Ford Galaxy 500 V8 two-door hardtop, fast.

Fully equipped '71 trade-in, fully powered, vinyl roof.

The full delivered price...

MAN 3: ...he was standing on one leg, and uh...

MAN 4: (LAUGHING) Yeah, right!

(VOICES FADING)

NEWS READER: ...the Ambassador was only slightly injured.

Most of the damage was to one room.

But this second attack was further proof that the Viet Cong and North Vietnamese

could strike at will... MAN: Boy, it sure is.

BOY: That's an octopus. See why? MAN: Yeah!

WOMAN: Yeah, It certainly looks like an octopus.

BOY: Very dangerous. The teacher talked about it in class.

BOY: Tells all about it, in the home safety stuff.

(RADIO ADVERTISEMENT)

NEWS READER: Deputies moved into the university area

where the disturbance began to get out of hand last night.

Tear gas was lobbed into the melee in an attempt to disperse the crowd.

The young men then responded with bricks, bottles and stones.

For the University of Arizona it was the third straight night of violence

on and near the campus. Violence growing out of the so-called Street People's

demands that part of the university area...

Listen, sailor, if you're floating around in anything, it's a $6 million...

...he was also a good friend of mine.

(VOICES OVERLAP)

(OVERLAPPING VOICES CONTINUE)

(SIREN APPROACHING)

(STAR-SPANGLED BANNER PLAYS)

(TESTING TONE)

T.R.: Boy, it's really rotten what cities do to people.

It's just wrong to make 'em look so insignificant.

I guess when you walk around down there it's okay but, boy, from up here...

Maybe that's why everybody looks so paranoid when they walk around here.

They know how little they look.

MITCHELL: Are you hot?

No, I just wanted to see if it would open.

MITCHELL: Why wouldn't it open?

This place where I work, you can't open the windows.

We're hermetically sealed. We're like instant coffee.

Well that's because of the air-conditioning.

In your newer buildings, you open the windows, you ruin the air-conditioning.

(CHUCKLES)

That's wonderful. If you open the windows the air ruins the air-conditioning.

Hah.

It's a nice view, isn't it?

Yeah.

Yeah. It's pretty from a distance. Like somebody with bad skin.

You sound like you don't like it.

Well, I don't know. Sometimes I enjoy it.

Oh.

Well, if it's so depressing for you why don't you go back home?

Boy, Mister Mitchell, you must be kidding.

Boy!

I know where I'd go.

- Where? - Inland Florida.

You know everybody talks about Miami,

but inland Florida is where it's really going on.

What's going on in inland Florida?

A boom, that's what.

That's right. Miami is saturated, the property values are too inflated.

But in inland Florida you can really get your value.

What do you mean?

Eight years ago, I bought four lots in inland Florida.

Right by a lake. It's really pretty.

Now, there's not much there now,

but you have to know how to see,

what things are gonna be like when you buy a place, right?

Absolutely.

I've been with Con-Amalgamate for 12 years.

And I don't know whether you know this or not, but Con-Amalgamate happens

to have the best pension plan in the country.

I didn't know that.

For every penny you put in, they put something in.

You know, it's not much in one week, but the weeks and the years add up

and you retire with a lot of money.

Do you have anything like that where you work?

Yeah, we do have this Medical Retirement thing,

it's really neat if you happen to get run over by an armadillo.

Con-Amalgamate isn't like that.

In 13 years I'll be eligible.

In 13 years I'll be able to pay off the college,

sell the house, and build on my land.

Nothing spectacular, but something nice and solid,

where I can take my shoes off.

Twenty-five years.

That's a very expensive house.

It's not the house, it's the freedom.

You can get up when you want.

You can go to sleep when you want.

You don't owe anybody. You know what I'd love?

I'd love to be able to make a mistake,

and not feel like I'm gonna get in trouble for it.

I really have everything all planned.

Every week, a little at a time.

I know what colors I want.

I can even tell you how much cheaper my electric bill will be.

You don't have to heat in Florida.

I've got it all worked out.

Have you made your plane reservations yet?

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

(CHATTING INAUDIBLY)

This is Steve, I'm Joe. This is gorgeous hair you've got.

How about a drink? Want a drink?

an I buy you a drink? Let me buy you a drink.

I even said your hair... Listen, oh, come on!

Oh, hi, T.R., how you doin'?

Oh, hi John.

- Hello. - T.R.: Hi.

What would you like?

The Nobel Prize.

Well, uh, if they haven't got one would you settle for some coffee?

Yeah.

Donna?

WAITRESS: Coming.

- What's your name? - T.R.

Hello, T.R.

Aren't you gonna ask me what T.R. stands for?

All right. I give up, what does T.R. stand for?

Thelma Ritter.

You're my favorite actress.

- What's your name? - Larry. Larry Moore.

What do you do?

I edit and publish children's books for the public school systems.

What do you edit in children's books?

I erase all the penises from the illustrations.

What do you do?

I don't really know for sure. I push buttons and I type things.

It's just that I'm not really sure what I'm pushing or typing.

I mean, last week I thought I was filling out purchasing forms

and then I got yelled at for filling out sales forms incorrectly.

So I wanted to tell them,

"Listen, I am not filling out sales forms."

But you don't do that where I work. You don't talk back.

If you do somebody comes along with a pair of pliers

and pulls your teeth right out of your mouth.

Hmm.

Do you have any brothers?

Yes, I used to have two, but my mother made me give them away.

Why'd she do that?

They were very messy.

What's your mother's name anyway?

Margaret. Why?

For a second I thought we had the same mother.

My father is a very nice man but he's very short.

What's so bad about that?

Nothing, it's just that I'm not wild about being taller than my father

and he's not crazy about being shorter than me.

Well, how short is he? Well, when he stands up...

- His feet don't touch... - ...the ground.

Let's go to my place and I'll show you my unedited children's books.

Does it talk? I'm not setting foot in this thing if it talks.

Never said a word to me.

Would you like a drink?

No, thank you, not right now.

You play tennis?

No, but I bowl a lot.

You bowl?

You like bowling?

I'm not really crazy about bowling, I just love the shirts.

What's this?

Oh.

I was a lieutenant.

Those are three men in my platoon.

We swore that everyone that got out alive

would get together once a year, just to keep in touch.

You don't look like you were in the army.

- Well, I was. - Really?

Yeah.

Our side?

You shouldn't make fun of a vet.

Where were you?

Oh, Fort Dix, New Jersey.

(SIGHS)

Are they yours?

Yep.

How come they're on your wall instead of in your house?

I don't know.

Yes, you do.

Yes, I do.

Well, it's because their mother and I

could not look at each other too closely

for an extended length of time.

Either she's crazy or you wet your bed.

Well, a little bit of both.

See, she would yell at me if I broke my leg because she was upset.

I can understand her being upset,

but after all, it was my goddamn leg that was broken.

And on the other hand, I do use rubber sheets.

What about you?

What do you mean?

Umm...

What do you want?

Where are you going, you know all those things

you put on the applications, what about them?

I don't know if they're so important.

I just wish everybody else didn't look like

they knew exactly where they were going.

I try to fit in, you know, I really do.

It's just that, I can't help thinking that what everybody's trying to fit into

is a lot of crap.

I don't know if I'm making myself clear or not.

But do you know what scares me more than anything else in the world?

I'm afraid that if you keep on getting disappointed

you wind up expecting less.

When I was a kid,

I was this, uh, baseball card nut you know.

This, you know, the ones that come

with little slabs of bubble gum that taste like cardboard?

Yeah, well, I was crazy about them,

and I collected them,

I traded them,

I stole them, I hoarded them.

My wall was this baseball card mosaic.

And I used to look at

the wall like a priest looks at stained glass windows.

And all the players had those great blank determined looks on their faces,

you know, kind, honest helping-old-lady-across-the-street faces.

Well, I really loved baseball and I loved loving it.

Then, one day I grew up,

not voluntarily mind you, I just wound up in a tweed jacket in a box seat.

And, well, you know, baseball players are not very smart.

They read comic books

and they cheat on their wives, they're takers,

and they're really just as rotten as everybody else.

Maybe a little worse.

Anyway, it was a lot more fun worshipping baseball cards.

And I expected my wife

to be like this Dial soap commercial,

with her head tilted back in the shower all smiling and squeaky clean.

And she wound up worrying about her maid being unreliable.

I guess it all depends on how disappointed you get,

but at one point something goes click and, uh...

You know, the goddamn phone is busy every time you call

so after a while you just stop calling, that's all.

I don't know what the hell I'm talking about.

Do you, uh,

do you want a drink?

Ah, I do.

(SIGHS)

(MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)

Turn around.

What?

Turn around.

MAN: (ON RADIO) ...now sometimes where bright people

like photographer Jack Dickingcuff

win Pulitzers because they live with their job...

Reach for the sky!

...takes 'em inside, right, Jack? - Excuse me.

JACK: (ON RADIO) Really, it's just an overwhelming feeling that you, uh,

after shooting, uh,

was wrapped up for the first day,

I would say I had quite a bit of difficulty sleeping,

I was just thinking about the memories, the smells...

Say, Jack Mitchell.

MAN: ...for bright readers like you.

I'm your bright friend on the radio...

What do you think about when you're selling your tires?

- What do you mean? - Well, I mean,

you ever think about setting your place on fire

or writing "I love you" on the inside of one of the tires?

What for?

I don't know. Just to be able to think about some guy

on the highway changing his flat and seeing your note.

No, I never thought of doing that.

Just sell the old tires and buy the house in Florida, huh?

Well, I'm not such a big man.

And you know that.

Hey, T.R., you won't tell Larry about what happened, will you?

Who the hell is Larry?

T.R.: Do you think Nixon really goes to bed with his wife?

I mean, do you think they really take off their clothes

and do it in White House sheets with the official seal on the pillow?

I would love it. I would love it if the whole Grand Old Party

were doing it at this very moment with their wives.

No.

In the first place, they're probably all asleep,

and secondly their wives never take off those little pearl earrings,

you know those little pearl earrings that they wear?

It's impossible to do it with anybody

when they're wearing those little pearl earrings.

Anyway,

politicians do not screw, they screw up, there's a difference you know.

Whenever I lie on my back in bed I think of a lot of strange things.

Like what?

Like diapering Winston Churchill.

What?

Yeah. Someone used to diaper Winston Churchill you know.

I thought he was toilet-trained.

I'm serious. Winston Churchill started out a baby like everybody else.

Don't you ever think of things like that?

I mean somebody actually used to change Adolf Hitler's diaper.

No. Somebody actually forgot to change Adolf Hitler's diaper.

I was gonna say Gandhi, but Gandhi looks like he always wore diapers,

so he probably changed himself.

Listen, do you have any other little poignant observations

that come to you while you're looking at my ceiling?

- Do you think I'm weird? - Yes, madam, I do.

Didn't anybody ever tell you that you talk like a typewriter?

Frankly no.

Well you do.

Any particular brand?

Yeah. One of those older black tweedy ones with the skinny keys.

Oh, yeah, one of those.

Some people say things that sound like they're written in longhand, you know?

Cab drivers sound smudgy, like this blunt pencil

and then I used to have a grandmother who screeched like chalk on a blackboard.

You, however, talk like a typewriter.

Hmm.

What do you sound like?

I think a laundry marker.

How long have you felt like that?

I don't know, what time is it?

Why don't you just lie back and,

you know, you can tell me all about it.

I am lying back.

That's right. You are.

Mmm.

What are you thinking about?

Nothing in particular.

It was a nice night.

Yeah, it really was.

Would you mind very much if I didn't see you home?

'Course not. I'm allowed to cross streets.

You're really, uh, all right.

You're not so bad yourself.

Just, a little somethin' for your carfare.

What?

LARRY: You know, your carfare.

T.R.: What?

Now, wait a minute.

Hey, listen, what the hell's the matter with you?

Hey! Where the hell are you going?

Jesus Christ! (DOOR SLAMS)

AUTOMATED VOICE: Twenty-third floor.

Actuarial Services and Branch Relations.

Testing...

Umm...

You're probably all wondering why I've invited you here.

I'd like to bring your attention to Mr. Walter Freebish.

Walter Freebish is in the F's.

Hello, Walter.

I just wanted you to know how very much we appreciate

the magnificent work that you've done here.

Twenty-four years at it.

Magnificent.

Listen, old buddy, umm...

We're going to be re-deploying our manpower,

as they say,

and we're going to have to fire all the F's.

You understand, Freebish.

It all depends on how disappointed you get.

But after a certain point, something goes click.

Do you know what I mean, Freebish?

Click.

Anything for me? What's your name?

Occupant.

Operator?

I would like to make a collect call to Findlay, Ohio, please.

The number is 241-3601,

area code 419.

T.R. Baskin.

Uh-uh, Operator, T.R.

"T" as in traffic accident.

Yeah, that's right. Thank you.

Mom?

Hi, Mom!

Nothing, I just called to see how you were.

How are you?

No, really, nothing's wrong,

I just wanted to see how you were.

No, I know, I'm sorry, it's really early.

No, really, I swear to you nothing's the matter at all. I just...

I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to make you worry.

I'm sorry. I... I...

No, listen, I didn't mean to wake you.

I'm really fine, nothing's wrong at all.

Listen, Mom, how's Dad anyway?

How is he? Oh, Ma, would you please... Don't wake him up.

Please don't wake him up, Mom.

Would... Would you please not wake him up?

Hi, Dad!

Oh, no, I'm fine. How are you?

No, listen, I'm not. She lied, Dad, I'm not in trouble.

I know, I didn't mean to wake you up, it's really early.

Oh, I didn't mean to call so early.

I'm... Mom...

Mom?

I'm sorry.

Oh, that's in the newspapers, Mom, I don't live there.

God, Mom, what do you think I am, some pregnant junkie?

I'm sorry, Mom. Yeah, I know.

I'm gonna hire some skywriter

and then the whole air over Findlay will be full of my apologies.

What do you... I'm sorry.

(SOBBING) I'm really sorry.

(CRYING LOUDLY)

You know you can never mistake a Sunday for anything else.

I mean sometimes a Tuesday can feel like a Sunday, you know?

But Sunday is always Sunday.

I think I hate Sunday.

Makes me feel like I haven't done my homework.

Today's not bad though, you know.

I mean...

Even for a Sunday it hasn't been a bad day.

You know something?

You're really kind of sweet.

You really are.

You don't want to be, but you are.

Do you mind if I ask you a question?

I'd mind if you asked me anything else besides a question.

Are you happy?

I don't spend a lot of time wondering whether I am or not.

But are you?

I'm ecstatic.

No, I'm serious.

Well, you shouldn't be, you know.

Things don't work out too well when you're serious.

I don't understand that.

That's okay, neither do I.

Well?

Well, what?

Answer me.

(SIGHS)

Answer you.

What's a nice girl like me doing

with the Automotive Parts section, Utica Branch, right?

Right.

Because I got tired of looking at bra ads in the newspaper?

That's not good enough.

Well, I'll bet you one thing, Mr. Mitchell.

I'll bet you've got some pictures of your family in your wallet.

And I'll bet your son has a clip-on bow tie,

and a crew cut and a plaid sports jacket.

And your daughter has a pigtail-smile on her face,

and your wife is standing faithfully in the driveway.

You've got this whole Betty Crocker Cake Mix all crinkled up in your pocket,

and you wind up prowling around a hotel room in Chicago.

You're trying to be kind and compassionate,

and understanding,

not to mention tender,

but maybe you should worry about why you're here, Mr. Mitchell, instead of me.

I have to go now.

- Can't you stay a little longer? - No.

Well, can I see you home?

No. I'm allowed to cross streets, you know.

Well...

(SIGHS) Well, uh...

Well, thank you.

It was nice.

I'm glad I met you.

No, I really mean that and, uh,

I hope you find what you want.

Thank you.

I'm really glad I met you too.

And I hope you get your house.

I wish...

Mmm...

You know what I wish.

Bye.

(DOOR SHUTS)

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

*** Subtitles by Apgel **********