Original subtitles

That is bullshit.

Oh you creak-licking ass hat.

Joe, that's bullshit.

Come on, fuck time.

Stanny, it's at 4:30 in the morning,

some of us are trying to sleep.

Every night, you get drunk with your buddy

and play video games until the sun comes up, every night.

I know, that's why I'm awesome.

My friends Ruben and Ileanna have to take us

to the Hollywood Bowl, you wanna go?

Fuck no.

You bring a blanket, sit on the grass,

have wine and cheese, it'll be nice.

We can have them over for dessert afterwards.

Double fuck no.

Ileanna's cute, she's also into girls.

I guess I've never been to the Hollywood Bowl.

Negotiation, compromise, it's part of a relationship.

If you like someone, your happiness is derived

from making them happy, right?

Would you massage my neck?

I don't do massages.

Okay, 'cause I kind of like massaging

the person that I'm with.

I don't like to get them either so you're off the hook.

Everybody likes massages, if I'm massaging you'll like it.

No, I wouldn't.

Yeah, I think that you would.

Why would you even want me to do something

I don't wanna do?

Could you even enjoy knowing that you made me do it?

Come on, we've got softball practice.

I joined the league, isn't that enough?

Do I really have to practice?

Shut up, you had fun last time.

I was only having fun because you had fun.

Women are so fucking crazy.

Got half the flame 7'6

helping the penguins pass the jet safely.

Sorry, did I wake you?

It's all right, I promised myself

I'd make a day of looking at apartments, anyway.

Do not feel like you have to hurry, okay?

The couch is yours as long as you need it.

Oh thanks.

My neck is killing me.

Come here.

- Really? - Yeah.

Okay.

What happens when something that you need isn't offered?

Do you just keep pushing the other person

until they give it to you?

Do you just live without it?

Or do you end up looking for it somewhere else?

The scene there is white right now.

We had our own private cabana,

entire beach to ourselves

and I laid around at the sun naked everyday.

We finished a bottle of wine and refilled it with sand

and we take the beach home with us.

It's my favorite gift, sitting by my bedside.

Ruben is such a gentleman,

American men can't even remember

to put the toilet seat down.

They forget to do that in Santo Domingo, I assure you.

See it's a global epidemic.

Right now like some guy's wife in like Nairobi

screaming at him over it.

That's true.

I leave it up on purpose,

a beautiful woman would always need

something to complain about.

And to sweep my love.

Why do women get so mad about it?

We have to sit down when we pee,

you don't want us to fall in, do you?

Well yeah, but never in a lifetime of like pooping

did I just like drop my drawers

and willy nilly sit down to an open toilet.

I'm just saying, what you don't look first?

You think I poop standing up?

Wow, okay.

Hey, where's everyone?

Georgia and Stanny had a double date in the backyard,

we're not invited.

What are you doing?

Looking for an apartment.

After I get a list of places

I'm gonna go and look at them in person.

You don't happen to know any real estate agents, do you?

Actually, I have one on speed dial,

an old fuck buddy.

Oh really?

Cause I could really use her number cause this-

It's a him.

I fuck guys every now and then,

it's like fast food, sometimes satisfies.

Such a beautiful couple,

look at them together, Ruben.

God made their eye colors to match perfectly.

Oh, you've actually struck him sound

I don't think I've ever heard him shut up.

You Europeans you got good taste I guess.

They're from the Dominican Republic, Stanny.

It's in Central America.

What do I know, I'm from American America.

Okay, we'll do this again when I get back.

Goodbye, man on couch.

Do you know not like the symphony?

The guy with the fucking skills.

And your friends, Ruben and Ileanna, they were so much fun.

Oh, who did you like more?

I know, right?

She was like an exotic princess.

But you're my princess.

Oh, shut up.

Seriously.

You're sexy, you're funny, you make me laugh.

Well, next time I invite you to do something

don't make me tease you into it with sex.

Isn't that why guys do anything?

Well, if it is, it shouldn't be.

Whatever, you know what?

We had a great time.

Right, I just could've done without the whole

fuck no thing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I invite you to do something that you don't wanna do,

then when you hear my friend is cute and also into girls,

suddenly a picnic in the symphony

don't sound like such a bad idea.

Yo, I heard you, calm the fuck down.

What did you say?

I said, calm the fuck down.

So again, calm the fuck down.

Don't tell me what to do.

I ain't telling you what to do.

You just told me to calm the fuck down,

something you think I should do.

In fact, you're insistent I do it.

Do you have KY jelly in your ears?

Cause you're in the head.

You have to calm down.

Hey Joe, are they fighting?

Sounds like it, they were romantic and happy

five minutes ago.

We went, we had a great time, don't be a fucking retard.

Don't call me a retard and don't tell me what to do.

I ain't telling you what to do.

Yes, you are in fact telling me what to do,

you just said, "Don't be a retard."

When one begins a declarative sentence with the word don't,

the contraction of do not,

the first word of said contraction being the word do,

it is quite clearly you telling me

what you think I should do.

Well, in this case it's good advice

'cause you're being a fucking retard and tone it a dot.

A walk-off, fuck immature.

How was the symphony?

It was beautiful.

Yeah, she had so much fun she's angry at me about it

'cause she's retarded.

Will you please stop seeing retarded,

really killing people?

Children born with disabilities?

You're real classy.

You're right, poor choice of words

'cause I had a neighbor who was retarded

and he was always happy, you never are.

You okay?

Yeah, yes.

God, his fucking grammar's rubbing off on me.

Did I just say yeah?

Yeah.

I can't even go relax in my own room because he's there.

Stay here.

Symphony huh?

He called me retarded nine times.

What's so funny?

Nazi you.

Oh, now I see why you two are friends.

What happened?

Girls I date they think I'm awesome

for like the first month or two, madly in love with me.

Then they turn on me like a rabid dog, always happens.

She tells you she loves you?

Well, not technically, but you know I,

what about her exes?

Where did they go wrong?

Is it me?

Look, just don't be controlling.

Georgia hates it when men tell her what to do

and you can be kind of belligerent, Stanny.

I'm not belligerent.

Okay, I could be kind of commanding,

good 'cause girls like that in the bedroom,

but then when we're not in the bedroom and I'm like that

and then again angry and it's confusing my brain.

Look, she's a strong woman.

I know, that's one of the reasons-

Can you shut up for two seconds I'm trying to help you.

But when you guys are naked in here, dominate all you want.

When you're out there on two feet, just smile,

nod and say, "Yes dear."

She will not think you're a pussy,

she'll think you're strong.

Your way always ends in an argument.

I know my friend a lot better than you do.

Thank you.

Is Joe over Christi Ann?

Ain't you got two more weeks with the lesbian?

It's different.

He ain't stupid, you know.

I never thought he was.

Well, people treat him like he is

even when they don't realize it so.

Got it.

He said I was fucked in the head, I mean, who says that?

For what it's worth, that's how he speaks to everyone.

It's just the way he talks.

I hardly know the guy he just showed up on my doorstep

a few weeks ago like a lost cat.

He just wants to be loved.

Not that he told me that, that he doesn't like the...

can we just pretend that we talked about the symphony?

Yeah, yes.

Joe, do you need help finding a place to stay?

Shoot's got me hooked up with a broker

so I'll be out of here soon.

I'm glad you enjoyed the music and all.

I don't even wanna talk about it.

You ever look back on someone that you've dated,

and an argument that you've had,

and realized that whatever it was

that you were fighting about means absolutely nothing now?

Wait, I'm on a roll.

Don't you wish you could have realized then

that whatever you guys were fighting about someday

wasn't gonna meet anything

and you guys could have just enjoyed the night?

I can't handle it good when you're unhappy.

Sorry.

I had a great time tonight.

I'm sorry that I called you a fucking retard.

Fine, I might not massage you,

but I let you do whatever you want.

Whatever, huh?

Who have you ever dated

that lets you do anything you want?

You wanna go fuck somebody?

That's your business.

You wouldn't care if I fuck somebody else?

I might even join you, I'm cool like that.

Wait, you never had a threesome?

Hey Stanny, come here.

Summer and I want to have a threesome with a guy.

Okay.

Do you think Joe would be down?

You thought I meant you?

Fuck off.

You got Georgia to bone,

Joe's the only one down there.

Of course he'd be down, fuck you asking me for?

Oh, you should be happy for your buddy.

He just got dumped, he can use some attention.

Yeah he just got dumped now two hot chicks wanna bang him?

Why is it always such a huge fantasy for you guys?

I don't know, most guys they like the idea

of two hot chicks wanting to suck their cock

and we can feel like a king.

Me, I just like the idea of two women

like gently kissing each other, exploring themselves.

Oh, so it's about the expression of femininity.

Yeah, it's kind of sweet, who wouldn't wanna fuck that?

Just go down and ask him.

I don't know what to say.

We got room for one more in our bed,

hey you wanna talk fuck two chicks?

Can we get some cock please?

Any of those would work.

Maybe I'd try it.

Shut up, I'm not buying it.

I was just playing along with the whole

oh yeah, I like Ileanna thing, you don't mean that.

Most guys would be really excited if they-

Yeah, if they fell for it?

No way.

Girls do this, they toy with the idea.

Get the guy all excited he thinks,

wow I might actually get a threesome going

with my girl and her cute friend.

I think you're overthinking this.

You're not thinking about it enough.

Girls kind of subconsciously dangle that carrot

because guess what?

The guy puts up with a lot of shit

on the off chance that might actually come true.

Yes, I've done that.

Hey, you having fun?

Yeah, is this too loud?

No, no, you're good.

I just wanted to make sure you were comfortable.

Do you need anything?

Nah, I'm good.

Okay.

Now I'm gonna pass this level.

Where's the boy?

Bringing the Baton balls, let's play.

I didn't know what to say.

I'll do it.

You better not be this awkward

when I bring him up here naked.

You just lay there while do all the work,

I'm gonna be fucking pissed.

Okay, let's make a deal.

I will have a threesome.

You, me, and another girl

if you have sex with me and another guy first.

Are you out of your fucking mind?

Oh double standards.

Not funny, man, that's not cool, leading me on.

Okay, you don't have to have sex with the other guy,

I just want two guys totally worshiping me.

Stop putting that imagery in my brain.

Hey, any big path in life requires sacrifice.

You have to ask yourself, is the sacrifice worth the reward?

Because I'm not kidding around,

Ileanna has been trying to get me naked

ever since I've known her.

You heard them before the show,

Ruben has to go back to Santa Domingo,

they totally have an understanding.

And as much as she wants to have sex with me,

I know she definitely wants to have sex with you.

She does, right?

And if there's any girl that I could hook up with,

it would definitely be her.

And it wouldn't be cheesy,

because she's so passionate and sincere.

Yeah, it would bring you closer as friends.

Right, okay wait, you came back on the deal.

We do me and another guy first, Joe's right downstairs.

The hell's wrong with you?

But it'll bring you closer as friends.

Not funny, leading me on, not cool.

You respect him, you know he respects me.

It's not like you'd be touching dicks.

Come on.

And there's a little two guy and girl porn

on the internet.

Yeah, there's also pooping and peeing porn,

you think I'd want some girl to poop on my head?

Watch some guy rail my girl,

I could blow a fuse and murder him.

You wanna see me brawl with my best friend

when we're naked with boners?

I got a question for you.

You like Summer or what?

Yeah, don't bullshit me,

it's got nothing to do with me I'm leaving in 11 days.

You like her?

I guess.

I wanna invite you to fuck the both of us,

but then I'm gonna go off to Haiti

and you two will be together which is cool,

but then you know what?

She's gonna think it's weird,

and then she won't be my friend anymore

because she'll be bummed that the first time

that she was with you, she shared you with me.

Sorry, I was gonna come down here and do it

but I think it's best for three of us if we don't.

Were you eavesdropping?

Picture this, you, me, a sexy Dominican,

naked and writhing in this bed.

Oh, senorita Georgia, I love the way you suck cock,

can I share it with you?

Yes Ileanna, I'll let you do it while I kiss him.

Sacrifice for reward, sacrifice for reward,

sacrifice for reward, sacrifice for reward,

sacrifice for reward.

Yeah, it's not gonna happen.

What?

Forget the whole threesome thing.

I don't need another girl with you.

You know what the hottest sexiest thing you can do is?

It's when you smile at me.

Why?

The greatest feeling in the world, is when you're happy.

Oh God, oh God.

Oh my God, I love you.

I love you too.

It's so beautiful.

Jesus.

Oh, I love you.

♪ Oh say it leads to love ♪

♪ Oh say it leads to love ♪

♪ Leads to love ♪

♪ Say it leads to love ♪

♪ I can abide ♪

♪ Take me not to safety at all ♪

♪ Take me to streets and show me off ♪

♪ It's at a really enough faith and and all ♪

♪ The love I can abide ♪

♪ Oh say it leads to love ♪

♪ Oh say it leads to love ♪

♪ Say it leads to love ♪

♪ Leads to love ♪

♪ I can abide ♪