Original subtitles

Living together at first, it's great.

The person you're crazy about right beside you

night and morning, every day is a new discovery.

Oh, you gotta put this thing on.

What for?

you own such a thing.

Women don't get dressed and think,

"Oh, I hope men see me in this

and it makes them wanna fuck me."

That's the first fucking thing they think.

Maybe I'm just not a good photographer.

Bitch you better cheer up.

If you don't smile in about two seconds,

I'm gonna make you smile.

Don't even think about tickling me.

Don't. Don't. Don't.

Maybe you shouldn't have moved in with them to begin with.

If you only have so many months or days

or hours of excitement, do you burn through 'em all?

It's a Halloween costumes, Danny.

It's the greatest fucking thing on the planet.

Oh, I've lost my sheep.

Won't you help me find them?

I'll do anything you say.

Jesus Christ.

You boys are all so fucking easy.

Human beings were meant to cohabitate.

All those years of evolution is naturally sex itself.

Fuck, that's the spot.

Jesus Christ you'll snap my fingers off.

But I guess in caveman days, they didn't live very long.

So shit, must've got eaten by dinosaurs

before the cave woman got bored of you

and kicked you out of the cave.

I like my cereal al dente, sorta stiff, sorta mushy.

I like mine extra soggy

when the milk turns all those yummy flavors.

Next time, I wanna see you dressed as a...

Enough.

No milk.

Guess we're having bagels.

Sorry.

Want my milk?

It wasn't your milk to begin with

unless like it came out of your boobs.

Really?

When we're eating?

Look I'll do a food shop today.

Aren't we doing our weekly thing?

Shit. It's Saturday isn't it?

Can I talk to you for a minute?

You said.

There's something like four people living here.

I'm sorry I complained about his truck being in the trunk.

you and me, okay?

You wanna be happy, I wanna be happy,

but this is coming to a head.

We're doing Saturday farmer's market

and figure this out, just us.

We're gonna leave those two alone?

Yeah, maybe they'll kill each other

and then it'll be just you and me again.

breakfast version of

Not enough milk (indistinct) none.

I'll have her home by dinner time.

I'll make my Chilean sea bass.

We'll all have dinner.

It'll be nice.

What pairs well with sea bass, Chardonnay?

I'll pick up the wine

Hey, you know what pairs good with fruity flakes?

Get some milk.

Do you need help finding something?

Yeah, is there a section of books about helping yourself.

Self-help?

Sure yeah.

It's right over here.

Actually no, I gotta find it myself.

It's important.

Wow. That's brilliant.

I might have to steal that.

Next time someone asks for the self-help section,

I'm telling them to find it themselves.

Good for you.

Okay, so we are like an old married couple

with this grocery trip and the not talking.

Well not like I haven't tried talking to you all week.

I get it, you like Shoot.

I don't like her like her.

I just I like her.

Okay, relationships either add to your life

or they subtract from it.

And I'm not saying she's a bad person,

but when you get caught up in somebody,

they subtract your time, they subtract

If anything she adds to it.

We're not in a relationship

and she leaves for Haiti in a few weeks,

why are we having this conversation?

Look, why is it when you date somebody that I don't like,

I can accept the fact that you like him,

but when I'm dating somebody

Do you see Stanny having any effect on me whatsoever?

Changed my routine the way I think or act?

No, guys don't affect me that way.

Oh, when I'm just some wishy-washy girl

that morphs into whoever she's dating, huh?

No, cut the shit.

The male species in his natural habitat.

How about the female species goes to her natural habitat

and makes me a fucking sandwich.

I don't cook.

Of course you don't one thing women do better than men

and you forego on our principle

that leaves you useless.

What century are you living in?

No matter what century I'm living in

the one thing women do better than men cooking and cleaning.

It's a (indistinct) fact.

Are you retarded?

No, women are retarded.

Corporate CEOs men, presidents or leaders, men.

In every mind bigger and stronger.

Yeah and every serial killer, child molester

and all around assholes, men.

Men are funnier. I mean, women can be funny,

but men are always funnier.

Try that baby.

Actually someday with science and shit

it'll be able to carry babies.

I mean, as weird as that sounds,

but women will never be funnier.

There's no stem cell transplant for that.

But if women rule the world the world,

you know there'd be no war.

Hypothetically we don't know.

Women never ruled a fucking thing.

there has been plenty of women leaders

throughout history,

Oh yeah, Marie Antoinette, she was real benevolent,

and maternal.

Did you even graduate high school?

School's for nerds,

I watch the history channel,

History is written by men.

Obviously all great writers are men.

Weren't you living out of a truck a week ago?

Find the meaning of life yet?

A few interesting things,

not sure I will agree with it all

Well, yeah, some of these are really very informative

and some of the so they teach variety.

Trying to find a book on life,

well, this gonna sound silly,

but white people fall out of love.

Oh wow. You figure that one out, you'll have a bestseller.

So she fell out of love with you or you with her?

Well, she says she still loves me,

but she's not in love with me.

If that makes any sense.

Well, if it makes you feel any better,

it might be because you're too handsome.

No, I'm absolutely serious.

Women want to be the more attractive one.

I mean, the guy can be cute,

but not so cute that he can do better.

She wants to be the real score for him.

So he'll do everything he can to hold onto her.

I don't know

Oh, ask somebody, ask anybody.

Alright, well let me text my buddy that question.

Yeah? Okay well just ask him true or false.

Yeah, he doesn't answer questions with just one word.

That sounds like a girl.

And it was so funny, you know, because it wasn't me.

It was this role I was playing, I came so hard.

I bet he did too.

Oh my God, it was everywhere.

See we get along great

as long as we're just trading sex stories.

Funny thing about Shoot, she's so tight

I can barely get like two fingers up there, right?

But it turns me on,

and makes me strangely jealous at the same time.

It's probably 'cause she's never had dick in there,

just fingers.

Okay, I get it.

So that's like not fair.

What?

You got to tell me all about how little

lost her sheep and I start telling you

about having sex with another woman

and you act all skeeved up.

Look, I don't wanna hear my mom talk about sex

with my dad either.

Okay, that comparison makes no sense

because you're not supposed to talk to your kids about sex.

I mean, you are acting homophobic.

What?

If you were dating a fat guy

and you licked his butt, and I don't wanna hear about it,

that doesn't mean I'm anti-fat people.

How does...

You know what, you still have your best friend

to tell stuff to, where'd mine go?

Right, I'm the bad friend.

Just shut the fuck up.

"The fuck did you get that bullshit from?

Then again who knows these dumb bitches wanna be in control

and they can use it to control a guy

if that's a higher quality pussy,

than he can usually get so maybe it's true.

They wanna be the hotter one?

Might explain my phenomenal success with women,

even though I'm only an eight, eight inches that is

haha these bitches piss me off.

BTW dinner tonight, come over factored."

Wow, just the theory.

Not sure it applies though.

My girlfriend is what most people consider very beautiful.

She have a career of her own?

Yeah, very successful as of late.

And I bet you, she was dating you before the success.

Yeah.

You don't have to read that book anymore.

I got your answer.

Still here.

It's been here long before us, it will be here long after.

Still, I think of it as our spot.

It's really been that many guys I've dated

you didn't like?

The hell, I'm away from the guy for two hours

and he's texted me five times.

Off.

I think relationships were better

before we had cell phones

and you could actually miss someone.

Why is missing somebody so important?

Just gonna take 'em for granted.

I don't do that.

Nope.

Not you.

Hey has Summer called you

'cause Georgia ain't texted me back.

For a guy that prides himself on what a man he is

you sure have some feminine qualities.

I just want her to return my call.

I mean, they got bad reception in Malibu?

They do like with mountains and ships, right?

I have some editing to do.

Wanna watch?

Is that what I think it is?

Don't tell anyone.

When people think it's about upgrading,

but I think when people get successful,

they don't like waking up to a reminder

of who they used to be.

You really think that's it?

Yeah, I mean, I think that's what spooks people

about intimacy.

You know that person that's been laying next to you

they've seen you lose faith,

they've seen you doubt or at your worst,

best way to convince yourself

that you'll never feel that way again?

Is find somebody new that's never seen you that way.

Summer really makes a lot of noise.

Its fucking hot, right?

She screams like a porn star.

I swear I'd put this on the web if she let me.

What that called? Scissoring?

I wish I was a lesbian.

This fucking moves better than Casablanca.

Look, let's cut in for the closeup.

Right, yeah. See that's that's what I always say.

You don't just lick the clit, you suck on it.

Hell yeah. You see how I got two fingers in there

in the G-spot real fast?

Yeah, yeah but all those RPMs right away?

No, I mean there's 10 minutes of

that she got past all that.

Yeah. Yes, I like to start slow then speed up

then when they're right on the verge, even slower.

Yeah, look

Oh yeah, that's great technique.

Now, How do you feel about the pinky in the ass?

I think if you're doing your job right,

it's not usually necessary,

but some girls like it as an added bonus.

We are closing, I have to go.

Thanks for...

Thanks.

You have a nice rest of your day.

Some friends and I are gonna have some dinner later.

Have you worked at this bookstore a long time?

Yeah, I suppose I have, yeah.

'Cause I'm gonna come back here.

Not right away, but soon.

And I hope you're still gonna be working here.

I'll be here until the end of the semester.

So you take your time

and come back.

Do you Need help finding the door?

Oh,

I got it.

Okay.

Bye.

The little boulpaep is sexy, but it's not real.

I like it when a girl plays dress up

in something she'd actually wear.

Like, here put her in this.

Well like a business suit?

Yeah, not some people like that authority figure.

I don't get turned on by that.

You're threatened by them?

No, you know what I had sex with a girl I didn't like

and I'd to show her to bosses.

Nice, you (indistinct) a rapist.

Yeah don't say that.

It's like guy has sex with a girl that he doesn't like,

he's a predator.

When a girl has sex with a guy she don't like

that's called dating.

Like I'm not judging.

I'm just saying deep down inside you hate women.

No I don't hate women, I love women.

I curse in this life.

I love the way they move, I love the way they talk.

I mean, what else could I give a shit about, sports?

You really like Georgia.

No, don't text her.

Let her miss you.

I'm a fucking loser, huh?

No, give yourself a break.

That's why you're tough on everybody.

And you're tough on yourself.

See, that's why I'm cool with everybody.

I'm cool to me.

You're pretty smart for a girl.

Such a dick.

Checking the time because you're missing her

or sick of me?

Sorry.

Problem with that girl, I've known people like her.

They're a mile wide, but not very deep.

She only cares about what happens to be

right in front of her.

That's what I like about her.

She doesn't latch on to anybody,

she's totally independent.

I wanna be more like that.

Well, she's going off to Haiti and...

Well it's not about her though.

Like you want me to pursue my career,

get my life together, started...

Yes, exactly.

But not with somebody else holding your hand

like you always do.

Okay, well you know what can you listen?

Look, you insist that I pursue my career

and I love you for that.

But you can't dictate how I go about doing it.

I mean, can't you just be happy that I'm doing it.

You're right.

I've just been trying to motivate you

and then this super cool girl shows up

and gets you more fired up than I ever did.

You did motivate me.

I've been a bitch.

You've been a bitch with a big heart in the right place.

Okay get off I'm not as gay as you.

And could You try not to hate her.

I think it really bums her out that you don't like her.

Yeah I'll make friends with her I promise.

You ready to go?

I've really missed this a lot.

If you take Shoot up here, I'll kill you.

Anyway so this one book, had questions like

if you were a car,

what kind of a car would you be?

A Ferrari or a Station Wagon?

Station wagon. When was this book even written?

Joe, if you were a car, you would be a 65 Mustang,

sexy but sturdy.

What kind of car would Summer be?

She's a VW beetle,

but always on one spare donut and in need of a wash.

What kind of car would I be?

You're a Porsche candy, apple red

with monster truck tires.

Damn.

Wait, what about me? What am I?

You're an impounded ice cream truck

that was used in a getaway

Okay Wait wait, what's Georgia?

She's a Bentley.

Can't help but stare and think wow,

that's some elegant shit right there.

Aww.

You know what's weird,

I don't always know what's going on with me,

but I can usually tell what's happening with my friends.

I do that.

We all do that.

It's God's way of keeping us from blowing our brains out.

Let's not fool ourselves,

But our friends see it and we return the favor.

Okay. So what did you two kids do all day?

We watched porn.

Yeah.

I love the wine you picked up.

Yeah, it pairs good with the sea bass, don't it?

Yeah.

Hey, there's another bottle in the house.

Oh great. I'll go get it.

I'll help with the dishes

gotta earn my key brand here somehow.

I'll get dessert.

You know, being single looks really good on you.

You too.

He's gonna break my friend's heart, isn't he?

No, she'll break his.

To you guys.

To all of us.

To us.