Original subtitles

Hey, Pop. What? No knock?

Listen, just because you live next door to me

don't mean you can just walk in unannounced.

I announced myself. I said, "Hey, Pop." No.

You announced me.

I already know I live here.

I'm not just any next-door neighbor, Dad.

I used to live inside you.

Yeah, and you were annoying back then.

That's why I sent you to live with your mom for nine months.

The place looks great.

Yeah, I just feng shui'd it.

Yeah, I can smell it.

A lot more "feng" than "shui."

Anyway, uh, the reason why I'm here.

Nina and I wanted to make you dinner tomorrow night

to celebrate your, uh, remodel.

Ah, sorry. I got a hot date.

Hot date with who--

potted meat, sardines, and peanut butter crackers?

(laughing:) You met her, huh?

Yeah, and she stinks. (laughs) Yeah.

Well, me and her are gonna watch the Knicks game together.

Come on, man. Stop being such a grump.

It's a special occasion.

(sighs) Nina's making

(singsongy): her famous lasagna.

But if you don't want any, I mean... Wait, wait, wait, wait.

She's making lasagna? Yeah.

But you probably don't want this batch.

No? She's making, um,

noodles... Noodles.

...and sauce. (quietly): Sauce.

Cheese... Cheese...

And your favorite.

(high-pitched): Meat? Yes.

Count me in. Great.

I'll see you tomorrow at 6:00 for dinner.

No, make it 5:00. I'm asleep by 7:00.

Oh, right, I forgot you have a newborn baby's schedule.

? Poppa's ?

? House ?

? Yeah. ?

POPPA: You're on the phone.

Don't talk too long. Otherwise, I'll press the button and,

poof, you'll be gone.

MAN: Yeah, why do y'all play all that sad music now?

You're kind of bumming me out, man.

My friend, I'll say it again.

That comes from Dr. Reed's sad playlist.

I think it's titled

"Plug in the Toaster and Jump in the Tub."

Don't hate because I was hired to infuse some feelings

into your manly man show.

Corporate sent you

to ruin my good, soulful morning vibe

with a whole bunch of whining.

What you call whining most people call talking.

You're on the air, mon frere. What's good in your hood?

WOMAN: I just want to say that Dr. Reed is right.

And it's refreshing to have a safe space where we can

talk about important things, like feelings.

I appreciate your support, sister.

Yeah, but, honey, let me mansplain something to you.

Real men don't do that.

We don't sit around publicly crying about our feelings.

But since you like to feel so much, young lady,

I want you to feel this.

(beep)

You feel me?

(laughs)

You're on the phone, Tyrone.

Come on. Help a brother reset the tone.

TYRONE (crying): I'm just going through so much right now.

She left me, man!

(quietly): Don't you dare.

It is natural to feel grief after a breakup, Tyrone.

Thank you, Dr. Reed.

I'm just hurting so bad right now.

I called 'cause you're both divorced, right?

What do you miss most about being married?

Um,

thank you for asking, Tyrone.

I miss having someone who thinks about me all the time.

Someone who's not cats?

Poppa, this man is in pain.

Maybe if you shared some of your pain,

you might help him heal.

So, what do you miss about being married?

I miss not paying alimony.

Be serious. What do you miss?

I'm sorry. I wasn't clear?

Half... my money.

Mm-hmm.

(sneezes)

Ah, damn. I hung up on him.

Just when we was getting to the nitty-gritty.

You did that on purpose. What are you hiding?

It's nunya.

Nunya business?

I know what nunya is, okay?

You can't fool me.

Okay, fine. I'm hiding nacha.

Well, see, now we're getting somewhere.

Tell me about the nacha.

It's na... cha... business.

Uh, I'm sorry. Where do you think you're going?

This conversation's over.

NINA: It's fine.

I'll handle it.

(sighs)

I am having a full-blown candle catastrophe.

They ordered $300 of red candles

with no glass casing.

Damn it!

What does that mean? It means

that all that wax is gonna melt

on the newly-purchased linen.

I knew it! Who do I punch?!

Okay. Calm down, baby. It's not that serious.

But I love how you get mad on my behalf.

Wait a minute. What?

Where's the beef?

The beef?!

They took your beef? No! No!

Who would do such a thing?

Hulk smash! Junior!

Now I got beef with them!

Junior, this is the third time this week

you forgot what I asked you to get.

I said, "Pick up beef at the grocery store,"

and you got turkey.

Well, I thought

'cause I gave you some serious beef last night,

you'd be tired of it. (laughs)

Well, it was grade A. Yeah.

And grass-fed. Mm.

Minus the "G," minus the "R."

Minus the "G," min...

Honey, I cannot make beef lasagna with turkey.

I'm sorry, babe. I just got a lot on my mind,

trying to get this documentary off the ground, you know?

Plus I'm trying to make you laugh

'cause you're stressed, and...

You forgive me?

I'm sorry.

I wuv you...

twuwy, deepwy.

Is that Elmer J. Fudd?

(laughs � la Elmer Fudd)

Sorry. I got lost in the cute.

I said, I said, I said, that's all, Damon!

Okay, see, now you're mixing Porky Pig and Foghorn Leghorn.

I don't love that. Yeah.

It's better if I just do the voices, right?

(upbeat jazz playing)

(rapid, continuous knocking)

(turns music off)

Better be the police.

The conversation is not over.

Now, you may not like me,

but we work together now,

and for the health of the show,

which now includes the "F" word-- feelings--

you need to express your feelings,

and not just to me but to the people who are listening,

if this is gonna work.

You have to bare your soul,

and I... I need to know you,

backwards and forwards, up and down.

How about inside and out?

Listen, Poppa, you need to know this about me.

I am like the Terminator, okay?

I'm gonna ask a question 400 times,

and when I don't get my answer, I'm gonna ask 400 more.

Yeah, well, the whole point of The Terminator is,

he doesn't ask any questions.

Well, maybe that's why it didn't work at the box office.

It was the biggest movie in the world.

The point is, is that you don't get to call the shots. We do.

Hey, no, everything's okay.

Huh?

JUNIOR: Dinnertime.

Bon app�tit.

What the hell is that smell?

Oh, that's, uh, sardines, peanut butter and depression,

my childhood.

I'm so used to it, I can barely smell it.

(sniffs, gags)

I didn't know you had company.

I don't. Yes, you do.

Like the Terminator says, "I'll be coming back very soon."

That's not the line. He never said that.

You are Dr. Reed.

I have all your books. I'm a huge fan.

I listen to the show every day.

You are adding a whole new layer to the conversation.

See?

Um, we were just about to have a housewarming dinner.

We would be honored if you'd join us.

No, no, no, no, she can't. She has to go feed her cats.

I would love to join you for dinner. Aw.

Well, if I got to sit through you, at least

I have the... (high-pitched): meat!

Meat!

(laughter)

(laughing and snorting)

Sorry.

That was absolutely delicious.

Really? I was nervous because I made it with turkey.

Wait, this is turkey meat,

not meat meat?

Yeah, because somebody forgot the beef.

Yeah, that somebody is me. (laughs)

I forget everything.

Wedding anniversaries,

Mother's Day, scheduled C-sections.

How many kids he has. Six?

What my name is. Christopher.

You know... cute, little things like that.

I'm adorable, really. (laughs)

Hmm.

Well, that was a pretty loaded "Hmm."

Oh. It's nothing. Never mind.

Hmm.

It's obviously not nothing. You did it again.

Well, I mean, it's just,

when a husband forgets the things

that are important to his wife,

some people might construe it as a sign of disrespect.

Ah, that's all.

I mean,

wouldn't you agree, Christopher?

Hmm. Hmm.

Mmm! Now that's turkey. (laughs)

What?

Well, I mean, listen, if you guys don't have a problem

with it, then it's not a problem.

I like her. Until it becomes a problem.

I changed my mind.

Hmm. Well, see,

between your husband's, um, weaponized incompetence

and his fraudulent anger,

I think

that we have the beginnings

of a potentially toxic marriage.

Oh, my God. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Relax. She doesn't know us.

I mean, the apple doesn't fall far from the bald-headed tree.

Damn right, it doesn't. (laughs) (laughs)

BOTH: Chugga-chugga, chugga-chugga, chugga-chugga,

wine, wine!

We got to fix this. Grab the bottle.

Wait, don't... Nina, no...

Take the wine, leave the meat.

Nina and I even laughed about this earlier.

I don't know what happened.

This is, like, the first time my cute didn't work on her.

And I'm all out of Looney Tune characters.

(cartoonish voice): Well, not quite.

Junior, this is serious.

Okay? Stop with the stupid voices.

(cartoonish voice): Why?

(normal voice): Sorry. That's it, that's it, that's it.

Look, Nina is special,

and if you let that she-devil brainwash her,

you're gonna lose the best thing that ever happened to you.

Take it from someone who knows.

Now, here. Go make things right.

Teddy Pendergrass? Yeah.

Yeah. Women can't resist the sounds of Teddy.

Your mama used to drop her drawers when Teddy come on.

She'd start taking her drawers down.

Yuck.

Her drawers?

Yeah, that's what women wore back then-- drawers.

The thong didn't come out until, like, the '90s.

That's when they figured out how to charge women more

for less drawers.

I mean, yeah, this is great and all,

but, like, I-I can't go back there now,

she said she needed her space.

Well, if it's that easy, then I need my space, too.

Now go home, son.

That's your house. Say it.

That's my house.

No, put some stank on it.

That's my house.

That's better, but now say it like Sam Jackson

in a Tarantino movie.

(Sam Jackson voice): That is my house, mother--

Yep, yep, yep. You're there.

Okay, go. All right.

To my house! Yes.

Which is technically my wife's house

that her father's paying for. No, you're spiraling, okay?

(Sam Jackson voice): Yeah, yeah, irregardless, I am upset!

Yes. Honey,

where's my super suit?

She's very upset.

(door closes)

Did not like my Sam Jackson impression.

And her drawers stayed up.

Did you do that stupid Marvin the Martian thing again?

(Marvin the Martian voice): Only for a second.

Look, I do get irritated when he forgets,

but then I remember he has so many other amazing qualities.

He's a great dad, he's funny,

he's sweet and sensitive

and he has so much... Malignant charm.

Yeah. That's what you're describing.

I wrote about it in my other book,

The Charm Alarm:

(both): When Cute Stops Being Cute.

Mm-hmm.

See, it's part of his deception,

his get out of jail free card.

Nina, you and me, we are empaths,

we are narcissist magnets.

And by narcissist, you mean someone

who doesn't agree with you.

You said it.

Girl, if you let malignant charm go unchallenged,

then one day you will find yourself on your parents' porch,

with a half-eaten ham sandwich owing David Smith alimony

for the rest of your life.

That is a very specific example.

I lived it so you don't have to.

Girl, help me help you help him.

Mama needs some, too.

JUNIOR: Don't worry about me, Dad.

Won't even know I'm here.

How can I not know you're here

when you keep yelling "I'm not here"?

Just joshing you, Dad.

(chuckles)

You really going to bed right now? It's 7:00.

How old are you? 100?

Apparently not old enough to have a son who lives on his own.

Is that my toothbrush?

Oh, yeah, don't worry,

I'm not brushing my teeth with it,

I'm just using it to stimulate my vagus nerve.

I don't know where that nerve is,

but I don't want my toothbrush anywhere near it.

Oh, yeah, it's like right back here,

you just got to...

(gags)

And then you get it on the right. (gags)

And then you can put your hand behind your head and go like...

(gags)

Well, my eyes are watery.

That's when you know it's working.

Yeah, I do it every night, you know, to, uh,

ease my anxiety and reset my parasympathetic nervous system.

You can remember all that, but you can't remember beef?

Want to try it? No. Get that out of here.

Fine.

I'll go downstairs and watch TV.

MAN: I should've never left you, Harriet.

What a fool I've been. Such a fool.

POPPA: Too loud. I can hear that.

(sighs) Fine, I'll mute it.

(mutes TV)

POPPA: I still hear it.

It's muted!

You think you're slick,

but I can ever hear the rays.

I'm sorry, Dad, I just...

I miss her so much.

We haven't spent a night apart since Maya was a baby.

Chocolate?

No.

I got diabetes. You trying to kill me?

Sorry.

Look, son, I know you think

you're giving her her space right now,

but rule number one in a relationship

is never give a woman too much time to stew.

The same thing happened with me and your mother.

We were going through some problems

and I gave her space, just like you.

And then Catherine went to her girlfriends for advice.

Next thing you know, I'm divorced,

I'm full of regret,

sitting next to my 35-year-old son

with chocolate all over the house.

Wow. I-I didn't know any of this.

Well, if you had the chance to do it again,

what would you do?

I would talk to her.

I would express my feelings and reassure her of my love.

Which is what you need to do.

(sighs) Dad, you know,

I appreciate everything you're saying,

but, like, I know Nina better than you.

She needs space, she needs time to just...

let this whole thing blow over.

Listen, you may know Nina better than me,

but I know life better than you.

And if you're not gonna ball up and go handle this,

then I'm gonna do it for you.

? ?

And number ten in our list of demands

for you to regain your footing in this marriage,

no more short jokes.

About time. Although, you are short.

Girl, I'm small as hell.

(laughter)

(knocking at door)

Oh, wait, no, no, no. No.

(exhales)

I'll, uh, I'll handle it.

Remember, being right is half the fight.

Wait, what's the other half?

I don't know.

I haven't finished writing that book yet.

(laughs) (knocking)

Coming.

I need to talk to Nina.

Uh-uh. Absolutely not.

And I'm advocating for Nina.

No, you're agitating for Nina.

Come on. I got you. Y-You, too.

Step into my office.

Go ahead, it's neutral territory.

Here.

Review this with your son and then let's discuss.

A list of demands?

Hell no.

I am not negotiating with a terrorist.

And what gives you the right to interfere in their marriage?

Look, I am just trying to help your son

and his lovely wife with their very real problem.

The only real problem I see is you.

Junior and Nina are a happy couple.

The happiest I've ever known.

They should be writing books about love, not you.

(Sam Jackson voice): Out of my way.

What? Say "what" again.

Say "what" again. I dare you.

I double dare you.

Move, Poison Ivy.

I miss my wife's love garden.

Junior?

Nina, I am so sorry for hurting your feelings.

It's just when you forget things we talked about,

it makes me feel unheard and insignificant.

Well, I heard that.

I'm gonna work on my forgetties.

And just so you know,

out of all the things I forget,

I'll never forget how much I love you.

Can I have a kiss?

Yes.

So will you just go now?

No.

Not until you tell me what you miss about being married.

It's okay to be vulnerable.

You know, this isn't about work. This is about you.

Why is this so important to you?

Because I know that deep down you have a heart.

I would just like you to show it.

If I tell you, will you go?

Yes.

Okay. That.

(smooth jazz playing)

That's what I miss about being married.

I miss having somebody that...

gets me, flaws and all.

It's hard to walk this earth alone.

It really is, isn't it?

Now was that so hard?

And you're still here.

You still mad at me?

If I say yes, are you gonna show up at my house again

(squeaky voice): and ask why?

It'll never happen again. I know it won't.

Because I'm getting a restraining order

(laughing): against you.

Listen, I thought about it last night and you were...

What?

You were right.

(snorts) You think?

Yes.

But, by the way, you did help inspire

the title of my new book,

Two Wrongs Don't Mean I Ain't Right.

(laughing)

That was a joke.

See, what you don't know about me is I'm funny.

No one knows that about you.

Are you kidding?

Did you not hear my

(dopey voice): Schwarzenegger character?

That was a character?

I thought you was having a stroke.

Anyway, hey, good people.

This first song is a joint by the Black Eyed Peas.

And it's going out to my hilarious cohost, Dr. Reed.

Y'all sit back,

listen and learn.

Well, thank you, Poppa. That is so sweet.

? Shut up, just shut up, shut up ?

? Shut up, just shut up, shut up ?

? Shut up, just shut up... ?

You hear that? You should try that.

Huh?

? Shut up, just shut up, shut up. ?

(beep)

Wait, this is turkey meat?

(nasal voice): I thought you'd get beef meat.

(laughter)

(beep) I could make...

25 thongs out of one pair of your mama's drawers.

(beep) Did you do another one

of those stupid voices?

Only the Marvin the Martian-- (laughs)

(laughter)

(beep) Like the Terminator says,

(Italian accent): "I'll be back very soon, baby."

He never said that.

That's Arnold Schwarzen-naver. Arnold Palmer, maybe?

It's Schwarzen-navel. That's what that is.

(laughter)

(with accent): Get to the chopper!

(laughter)

Kind of.

(laughter)

Get to your car and get out of here.

Captioning sponsored by CBS

and TOYOTA.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0