Original subtitles

A big brass plaque - "Lisa Johnson, Managing Director".

Look who's here! New neighbours!

Who probably be living opposite us for the foreseeable future.

It's time I settled down. I'm thinking of asking her to marry me.

She's funny, kind, caring.

It's not the gym that's keeping your mind off things after all!

- What are you doing back there? - I work here, don't I?

Hello, Barry. All right?

She did this on purpose. Who? Her across the road.

If you don't like wearing it - take it off!

All right? What's going on? Buffy The Vampire Slayer, reruns.

Season six - The Musical!

Is there any grub? There's leftovers in the fridge.

Leftovers? Mm! Barry did us all a moussaka.

Oh-ho-ho! Top notch! I've never had anything like it.

The secret is in the aubergine. Never scrimp on the aubergine.

- Lisa? - What?

What? Your husband's home!

Hello, gorgeous!

At least someone is pleased to see me.

There's leftovers in the fridge. It's all anyone's talking about!

Dan? Oh.

What's that, paint? Um... I think it might be oil.

Oil? Oil?

Ooh, that'll be hell to shift.

That's the Burberry dress your mum bought her. Look at it!

I'm going to have to handwash it. YOU are? Dad?

I'm on it, flower.

Come on.

Right! Shower! Upstairs, now!

And don't touch anything else on the way!

Now then, rainbow drops, check YOU out! You been on a shoot?

No, I haven't. I went right across town to do this thing for a travel company.

When I got there, he told me they were "going in another direction".

They didn't want a girl any more. They were going to use a cartoon penguin in a sun hat!

I need a stiff drink.

Lambrini peach with ice and lemon please, Pauline.

I'm flipping fuming, Roger. Being usurped by a cartoon penguin will do that. I don't blame Beaky.

I blame me agent. He told him days ago. He just forgot to phone me.

Maybe you need a new agent. Hm. I thought about it.

Another model gave me her agent's card but, oh! I feel too guilty.

Be like the rat leaving the stinking ship.

Here y'are. On the house.

Oh, no, Pauline. Forget it. It's me last night. I was only covering.

His nibs was interviewing the proper new staff earlier.

Tomorrow, I'll be on that side with you plebs. Charming!

Thanks, Pauline. But it comes with a condition.

You're to go and talk to that new agent.

Don't get to my age with a head full of "what if" s.

That goes for you and all! He still hasn't asked out that bird he fancies.

Can we not go through this again? Firstly, I do not fancy her!

Oh! Secondly, it's 2015.

Don't you think we can go beyond referring to women as "birds"?

Are penguins birds? What ARE penguins?

Oh, my God!

Is the patient going to make it? We'll see when it dries, won't we?

Burberry! You do realise me mum won't have even paid for that?

It's probably still got the security tag on it.

So, you'll be wanting to get off now then, will you?

I mean, you are back again in... 11 hours.

Oh!

Is that the time? Yes! Yeah, yeah. I had, er, better make my way.

See you tomorrow, Lisa! Yeah, see you, Fergus.

That was very rude. We were watching the season finale.

I'll tell you what, Bazza, we'll get him the box set for Christmas. I imagine he's spending it with us.

What?

We'll get you the box set too. I told you what I want for Christmas.

You're not getting a Furby. They synch up with your phone. You're not getting one!

Come in.

That's me done.

Do you want me to lock the main doors? No, I'll sort that.

Thanks for all your help, Pauline. A bit extra in that for you.

Oh, cheers!

I'll see you later, then.

And just like that, she walked out of my life.

You what? I'm almost disappointed.

I was expecting a fight. "I ran this place single-handed.

"Least you can do is offer me a proper job!" Along those lines.

You've got your staff now, haven't you?

They're frontline troops, Pauline, cannon fodder. I need a general.

Look, to be honest, it's a handy little base of operations for me.

I've actually no interest in running the pub!

I need a permanent manager.

What do you say? Comes with some perks.

What type of perks? That is the Pauline I was expecting!

Negotiating! Right!

Well... Er...

Board and lodging. Flat upstairs still fully furnished.

Yours if you want it. Rent-free, naturally. What about me house?

Keep it. Sub-let it. Nice little second income for you.

Oh, I don't know anything about that sort of thing.

Ask your husband. He won't know. He's... Well, he's an idiot!

Well, luckily I am not. Bring me all your paperwork.

I'll sort it out for you.

I'm sorry. It's my nephew. I have to take this, I'm afraid.

Why don't you sleep on it and we'll see how you feel tomorrow?

Right.

Colin, how we doing?

Hello. 'Hi. It's me.'

Just thought I'd ring and... maybe say good night to Josh.

Oh, I'm sorry. I've just put him to bed. 'Yeah. Never mind.'

No worries. Everything all right with you?

Yeah. Updating my portfolder.

Going to see a new agent tomorrow. A new agent? Why?

'I haven't had work for weeks.'

The residues from my ad campaign won't last for ever.

"Seize the day!" Like you always used to say.

Yeah. I did always use to say that.

I don't want to end up old, in me 40s,

'wondering what could have been.'

No.

You never want to do that.

Are you sure you're all right? Hm?

Yeah, yeah. I'm fine. Listen, good luck.

'Let me know how it goes.' I will. Night, Fergus.

Night.

It's her!

Who? Her from across the road. Her!

He's letting her in. Why's he letting her in? I don't know!

Why don't you go downstairs...? Shut up, will you?

What are they saying?

How the bloody hell should I know? Shut it!

She's gone.

Then why are you whispering? I don't know.

I don't know. Dad?

What's crackalacking? What did SHE want?

She's brought your money.

For your hair. There, see?!

Now can we finally put all this behind us?

Me and Molly are heading out. We're going to the Trafford Centre.

Dad, why are you acting so shady? I'm not acting shady.

Maybe YOU'RE acting shady. Have you thought about that?

There's 70 quid here. The salon I had to go to charged me 80.

She offered to fix it herself for free! Don't you dare defend her!

I'm not defending anyone. I just want this feud over with.

It's bad enough this place being such a bloody circus. I don't need one out there, too.

This place is not a circus. You don't half talk some rot, Dan.

Morning, Dan.

Do you have to walk around like that? My house. My last day off.

I walk around how I like. Who's going to see me?

Morning.

He might have the decency to sneak them out. Finn?

All right? You could have told us we had a guest. We got in late.

I was hardly going to wake you up. You woke ME up!

Headboard banging away at one in the morning!

We got in at three.

Really should have bought a bigger house.

Mum not up? I don't think your mum's aware there IS a 9am.

True!

Have you switched from psychology to textiles?

No, it's Shez's birthday. We're going to the Student Union. There's a '90s night.

How can that even be a thing? The '90s was only a week ago!

Aw! Hang on. So you won't be in this evening?

No, why?

Nothing. Just thinking of dinner.

Right. No. I'll just grab something out. I'll see you later.

Yeah. Have a good night.

What's up with this?

The cartridge has run out. Oh. Right.

We need more paper, anyway. You'll have to do a supply run. I will?

Yes, please. While you're in town, could you check on Greg and Dan?

Four days they told me!

Oh, and me dad was after some beers for the match tonight.

Anything else? I don't know. If I think of anything I'll call you.

Did it cost much? I'm not asking you to value it. Do you think it's all right?

Take it out and have a look.

No!

You'll do that Pretty Woman thing.

You what? That thing!

From the film! What you on about?

Oh, you dickhead!

You're really going through with it? Yeah, I really am. Tonight.

Tonight? Yeah. I've got to pick her up from pilates at six. Er...

I don't know what it is, either, but that's where she'll be.

I'll have sorted a big meal, candlelit table for two. Hang on.

Me and Baz are coming round to watch the match. I'd sooner you didn't. It would kill the mood.

You'd rather get engaged than watch the England match with your mates? You've changed.

I'm banking this, mate.

I'm going to remember this when you're the one looking to get out of the house for 90 minutes!

And finally, the bedroom.

Ooh.

It's queen-sized. How come all this stuff's here?

The old owner left in a hurry.

Wasn't too good when it came to finances.

Speaking of which, I shall check through YOUR paperwork

and see how quickly we can get your place on the rental market.

Be nice having someone upstairs. Be able to nip up for a nightcap after work.

I don't mean in here! I mean in the lounge, obviously.

I'll leave you to have a poke about. Shout if you've got any questions.

How are we doing? Oh! Yes, good, good.

I don't think this machine is working properly.

Sam, what's up? I'm at work.

In that little box above the microwave.

See you later.

Sorry about that. Not at all.

That's the boyfriend, is it?

Roommate. Oh, he's a roommate! Oh, that's good.

I don't mean... I usually have it on silent. Very unprofessional.

Nonsense. It's easily done. Mine once went off in the middle of a cremation.

Sam?

Sam! It's one of those funny little names, isn't it?

It could be male, could be female. Yeah.

I imagine it's short for Samuel...

Samantha. Oh, Samantha.

Oh, good...

A female in this case. There you go. Point proven.

You are funny, Roger. Am I?

Yes, I suppose I am, aren't I?

Five more minutes then we'll get you on the treadmill. Yes.

I'll have to knock off an hour early to get everything ready.

Hm. You're not still arsed about the sodding football, are you?

You have got your own telly.

I just, um...

I don't understand why you're doing this.

Everything's been going great for you since you moved in next door.

It's the happiest I've ever seen you.

Yeah, I know. So why are you trying to complicate things?

Marriage... changes people.

I don't understand where this is coming from.

You've been married 15 years and you're happy.

Everything IS all right, isn't it?

Yeah, course it is.

I'm just saying i-it changes you, that's all.

All right, boys? What are you doing here?

Has Lisa sent you to check up on us? No!

Well, yeah. Maybe. Just a little bit.

I had to do some shopping for her.

Barry wants beers for the match tonight.

Well, the match is off. Is it? Since when?

I had the radio on in my car, didn't hear anything. It just means he's watching it at his.

Six-pack, is it? Oh!

Well, it has gone lunch and I'm parched.

Plus, we are celebrating. Celebrating? Celebrating what?

You're not finished, are you? A couple more days. Don't tell Lisa.

Tell her it's done bar the tidy. Celebrating my engagement. She's not said yes. She will.

You're getting engaged? Certainly am. Nice one. Congratulations.

Cheers.

I'd better be getting off. Lisa will...

I thought you were equal partners.

Yes.

Yes, we are. You're right.

One won't hurt - since you're celebrating.

Jenna? Could I have a word?

Oh, God!

Dad gave me the money you dropped off. Thanks for that.

Think nothing of it. Sure.

Thing is, it was �70 and the salon I went to charged me 80, so...

80? No, I don't think so. I've been doing that for years. 70's standard.

Maybe the salon I went to was a tad more... don't want to say upmarket.

70's standard. No offence, but I think they saw you coming.

Maybe that's so. But �80 is what they charged.

And as it was your mistake... I offered to fix it for nothing.

You decided to go somewhere else, somewhere that clearly overcharged you.

Maybe they did, but at least they got the colour right.

You're quite right.

�10? I think I'm good for that.

Do you have change? Not right now, no.

Hang on.

- Everything all right? - Fine!

One, two, three, four, five.

There you go. Ten whole pounds.

Thank you. My pleasure.

Tulisa, go on in!

Is that Burberry? Yeah. Why?

Our Molly's got the same one. Does she? That one's genuine.

You gave them beer? They both looked over 21, so...

Look at this place! Four days, you said, four days ago.

It's done! It just needs cleaning up.

You were planning on doing that pissed, were you? Come on, Lisa.

A couple of cans! The lads are on their lunch break. "The lads"?

Fergus, they're taking advantage of you! No, they're not. They are!

We are paying them for this, �18 an hour.

Right, that's it. Go home! You're banned from this place till it's finished.

You can't ban him from coming here. Can't I? I think I just have!

If you're banning him from here, I'm banning him from our house!

Two weeks I've put up with my home being turned upside down for this ego trip of yours.

Well, if you'd made an effort to get things done quicker...

You could have kept things running without taking over the house.

Box files in the bedroom, ergonomic chairs in the toilet!

And a co-managing director sat eating my tea watching Buffy The fucking Vampire Slayer!

You've got a nerve! At least Fergus is... Right here.

Fergus is stood right here.

Where are you going? Nowhere, apparently.

Look what you've done! What I've done?

I came all the way down here to tell you we've been burgled... Burgled?

We've been burgled? What did they take?

Molly's Burberry dress.

What?

Yeah, it's gone. And do you know who took it?

Her!

Her from across the road.

Her that you're so keen on defending.

Yeah. She must have seen it on the radiator this morning.

She's stuffed it down her bra behind me dad's back

and strolled on out with it.

Oh, it's finally happened!

You've actually gone mad!

We will discuss this later.

Welcome to your future.

So when are you going to do me?

When I've finished the proper clients, Nana.

Here.

Is this place smaller than it used to be?

Yes, Nana. We've had the ceiling lowered!

Sorry about that. Oh, it's OK.

Is it because you needed the lighting nearer?

Sorry? Is that why you lowered the ceiling?

Sure. Why not?

I know you. You bought Bianca's old house, didn't you?

Hm? Oh, yes, I did. I thought I recognised you.

I'm always on the close. I'm friends with Lisa Johnson.

Lisa? Yes, we've met.

She's lovely! Isn't she just? We've been best friends for years.

That's nice. Right, what am I doing?

I need it pretty much like it is.

OK. I've got to look my best. I'm meeting a new agent today.

Are you an actress or something? No, I'm a model.

Oh, really?

Half a pound down from last week. Oh! Well, that's not very much!

It's a drop, Roger. If the weight keeps dropping, we're not stopping!

That's one of your funny little things. Very good.

I really should write them down, put them in a sermon.

I've got quite a fun one coming up in church this Sunday.

"Living the abundant life".

Chuck in a few jokes to keep it lively.

You should, um... come along, if you're interested.

Oh, I'm not very religious, I'm afraid.

Ooh, no. That's fine. That's fine. Who is?

Although, there will be... coffee there, afterwards.

You know, if you just want to... Right, shall I stick you down for a session tomorrow afternoon?

That sounds very good. Session tomorrow afternoon, yes.

Great. I will see you then.

Right.

Dan! Have you got a minute?

Sorry to grab you like that. Jenna's not back.

I wanted a chance to talk about the situation.

Yeah, look, I'm glad you did, and I'm sorry about the whole thing.

Lisa's off her nut at the moment.

She's all stressed out about this office move. Yeah, Dan, it's not just Lisa.

Jenna's pretty good at pushing people's buttons, especially...

Is this Bianca's old dining room? Er... Oh, yeah.

My project. Got to have a man cave, haven't you? I wouldn't know.

Is that a telly or a window?

500 quid.

Police auction. We all got one. Part of a big haul.

It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

You could see it on. Actually, it's that England game tonight.

You're very welcome to watch it here, if Lisa will allow you behind enemy lines.

She will - if I don't tell her.

Oh, there she is!

Oh, my darling. Come here, you!

All right, flower. I'm popping off to t'newsagent.

You've only just come in. What you got there?

Eh?

What you hiding behind your back? What back?

All right. I didn't want to tell you cos I knew you'd make a fuss.

It's Jenna's blouse.

The one you chucked wine over. I didn't chuck anything.

What you doing with it? She brought it this morning. I took it to dry cleaners.

I knew you'd start kicking off so I took it and paid for it.

Which is the right thing to do. Give that here!

No, I'm taking it back over. You are not!

She can come and get it herself!

No, I'm not... You don't know what that woman's put me through today.

Um... I was going to ask if you'd calmed down but that little display answers me question.

Bazza, let's go. Eh? Football, Greg's.

Now! Before she gets you in a headlock.

Right. Fine.

Making friends everywhere today, aren't you?

Did you get me beer? Forget about your beer.

Hang on. I thought we were going to Greg's.

We can't. He's getting engaged. You what? Just keep walking.

So sorry to have kept you waiting. That's all right.

You know, you're a lot younger than I expected.

Sorry. How old are most PAs you meet?

Wanda Lacey. Could you bring some water through, please, Paul?

Nice to meet you. Hello.

That's... an amazing face.

Thanks! I've had it ages.

Which agency are you currently with? First Rate Modelling.

Hm. Never heard of them.

Most the people they send you out to won't have done either.

Take a seat.

Fergus.

How is the fast-moving world of business recruitment going?

Where did I go wrong, Roger? In business or...?

In life. Oh. Technically, I'm off duty, so...

44 years old. What have I got to show for it?

I'm living alone in some bedsit. Got two kids I hardly see.

A failed marriage, a failed relationship.

Failed everything.

Right.

I look in the mirror and I don't recognise the guy staring back at me any more.

All right, um... Well, do you want my advice?

Get fit.

I know I'm supposed to say something spiritual, but that never really helps, in my experience.

Fitness is the true path to enlightenment.

I have been working out at a gym every day for the past month.

Look at me.

I've never felt better. I've never looked better.

Really?

Yes, really.

If you don't like that guy in the mirror, then you change him.

Yeah.

Change him.

Be a whole new me.

That is it, Roger. That is exactly what I need to do!

That's perfect for me.

I've always liked having some sort of regime, you know, some goal to strive for. There you go!

You're welcome. I'm going to do it.

I'm going to sign up first thing. Sign up? To your gym.

Oh, well, there's lots of ways of getting fit.

You don't have to join a gym. No. A gym is definitely the way to go.

Yeah, get a personal trainer... and all that malarky.

When are you going next? Tomorrow? Well, I have my session booked for tomorrow afternoon. Ideal!

I can come with you. This is great.

I could be your gym buddy. Ha! Gym buddy!

I'm taking this back.

Start as you mean to go on, hey?

Yeah.

Thanks, Roger.

That's him.

Right, how much do you need?

Are you serious?

Nice one, mate. Sound.

Yeah. Sound.

The lights are on. So what?

So I left them off. Ella's probably home.

Wait, Tanya.

Sorry. I was starving. Hope you don't mind.

No, you got 12 years. Even with good behaviour...

Well, there's good behaviour and then there's good behaviour.

Who did you sell out? Pretty much anyone I could think of.

All our old friends. They're not my friends.

Well, I dare say they're not mine now, either.

A clean slate at last, eh? Hm! That was nice.

Don't worry. There's loads left.

What do you want, Bradley?

I'm not here to ruin whatever you and your white knight have going on.

I just want to talk.

Talk about what, exactly? I don't know. Lots of things.

We can start with this house that's still under my name, if you like.

We ran out of time, Mum. I'll do you tomorrow.

I don't have enough years left to keep wasting days sat looking at the back of people's heads.

Ooh, shut up. Dan and Barry have come to watch the England game. You don't mind, do you?

Barry's here? Oh!

Why did nobody tell me there was football on the telly?

Because you hate football, Nan. I do not!

Shift up!

Just them, is it? Yeah. All right.

Sit down! We're trying to watch.

Aren't we, Barry?

No? Did ya?

No? It's Robbie. He's on a satellite phone! Imagine that!

You what, love?

You did not? Hi, Robbie.

Lisa says hi.

Sorry, you're breaking up.

Is your dad there? Will you tell him we've moved house?

We live over the pub now. Hello?

Oh! He's gone.

You all right? Where is everybody?

What's this about you living over the pub?

Trevor's made me managing director! Hey! Like you!

So I live over the pub now - rent free.

What are you talking about? Who's Trevor?

Where is Dan?

I need him to move some stuff across in the van.

He's with my dad, watching football at Greg's. Why aren't you there?

Because I'm sick of the bloody lot of them, that's why!

I'm sorry, Pauline. I've had a hell of a day.

The office is a mess. Fergus isn't speaking to me.

As for her across the road...

She nicked our Molly's dress. She did what?

The one you bought her, the Burberry.

Stole it off the radiator. She's got her little one strutting about it in now.

Dan thinks I've gone mental. I know she did it. I just can't prove it. Right. Come on.

What? Steal my little Molly's dress? I'll swing for her.

You might not be able to prove it, but I can. How?

It's got two holes where I broke the security tag off. Come on!

Oh, it's you. Yes.

It is. I brought your dry-cleaning back.

Mind if we come in? Hey!

Bazza. What? Get down.

Dad? Excuse me...

You're not going to check that blouse? Make sure it's OK?

Be awful if something happened to an expensive piece of clothing.

Greg was out.

We bumped into Cam, so...

Barry, what's going on? I don't know.

The blouse is fine.

What's this? This isn't ours.

Lisa. What?

Little holes.

Ruddy hell! Look at the size of that!

Who are you? Who is she?

Oh, aye. I took it to the dry-cleaners.

Eh! They got the oil out proper. You see?

I told you. That's why you've got to stop being so paranoid.

As if anyone would steal a child's dress!

All right? Do you want a drink?

I wouldn't mind a beer, if you're offering.

What about stealing a dress?

You thought I'd taken it, didn't you?

What? No! Yes, you did.

That's what you were on about when you started about our Tulisa having the same dress?

You were practically accusing me there and then! How dare you?

How dare you accuse me of accusing you?

Dan, we're leaving.

You might be. I'm not. I'm watching the football.

Sorry, flower. Just opened a tinnie.

I'll come, Lisa. No you won't, Baz. Sit down.

Yes. You stay here, Barry.

Come on, Molly.

There he goes. Go on. Pass! Go on!

Denise! Guess what! I've got a new agent!

Great! Let's open a bottle of wine. You can tell me all about it.

Oh, can't, sorry. Going to see Jenna. What? Yeah.

She's asked for some head shots to stick up around the salon.

I'll pop round for a coffee tomorrow, though.

Hi, Denise. Come on in. We're just watching the football.

Come on, Tanya. Like it or not, this is still half my house.

So what's the plan? You going to make us all homeless now?

I doubt it'll come to that. We can reach some kind of agreement.

You're so full of shit! Go and talk to a lawyer!

He'll laugh in your face! This is our house now.

Oh, I have missed you. Greg, don't. Please.

Oh!

Ella.

Dad?

Come here. No!

What the hell is she wearing? She was at a party.

She doesn't want to see you. I'm her father. Who the fuck are you?

He's the one who was here when some nutter was pointing a fucking shotgun in our faces!

Where were you?

Give me the keys.

I'm not going to let you do this.

Give me the keys, Bradley.

Looks like we're both stuck holding the baby tonight!

So Anita's your trainer as well?

It's great for friends to train together, motivate each other.

All you're doing is moving from a warehouse to a high street.

This is the most important day of my life!

I can't fly off to Canada.

Bradley's why you haven't seen your father for 20 years.

Don't let him keep on being it. Greg and I can handle Dad.

Shut that front door, mate. If you think I'm going anywhere,

you're even stupider than you look.

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