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[***]
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CHRIS ROCK:
1983 was my firstValentine's Day as a teenager.
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00:00:10,477 --> 00:00:13,477
I never really caredabout Valentine's Day before,
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00:00:13,513 --> 00:00:16,323
but now I couldn't ignore it.
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00:00:16,349 --> 00:00:18,279
Valentine's Day makesmost people
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00:00:18,318 --> 00:00:20,148
think of flowers and candy,
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00:00:20,186 --> 00:00:23,686
but it reminded me of thegangland massacre in Chicago.
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00:00:23,723 --> 00:00:26,163
Happy Valentine's Day.
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00:00:27,327 --> 00:00:31,057
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
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00:00:32,766 --> 00:00:35,296
Yesterday,those roses cost $10.
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00:00:35,335 --> 00:00:37,635
Today, they're $110.
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00:00:37,671 --> 00:00:40,171
Even when you're broke,you have to find a way
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00:00:40,206 --> 00:00:42,606
to tell your womanyou love her.
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00:00:42,642 --> 00:00:44,442
OFFICER:
Hey!
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00:00:45,745 --> 00:00:47,445
You picked the wrong wall today!
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00:00:47,480 --> 00:00:50,320
Even if it means gettingthe crap beat out of you.
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00:00:50,350 --> 00:00:53,650
On Valentine's Day,love was in the air.
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00:00:53,687 --> 00:00:56,587
You should have seen whatthey did after they shot him.
19
00:00:58,491 --> 00:01:02,231
Hey.
Hi. Happy Valentine's Day.
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00:01:02,262 --> 00:01:05,832
Even at school, Valentine's Daywas a big deal, and it seemed
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00:01:05,865 --> 00:01:08,435
like everybody was gettingsomething except me.
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00:01:08,468 --> 00:01:11,338
Still a few days to go.
We could still get a card.
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00:01:11,371 --> 00:01:13,341
That look means,"If we weren't friends,
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00:01:13,373 --> 00:01:15,383
I'd smack the hope out of you."
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00:01:15,408 --> 00:01:17,838
Hey, I got one. I got
a Valentine's Day card.
26
00:01:17,877 --> 00:01:19,447
Cool.
27
00:01:19,479 --> 00:01:21,879
Hey, if I got a card,
I know you will.
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00:01:21,915 --> 00:01:24,115
What's it say?
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00:01:26,786 --> 00:01:28,586
Roses are red, violets are blue,
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00:01:28,621 --> 00:01:30,921
you stink like a monkey
and look like one too.
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00:01:30,957 --> 00:01:33,357
Happy Valentine's Day.
BOY: Loser!
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So much for love in the air.
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[***]
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00:01:43,336 --> 00:01:46,166
* Aw, make it funky now
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00:02:10,263 --> 00:02:11,903
[***]
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00:02:11,931 --> 00:02:14,571
I didn't have any luckwith girls when I was 13.
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00:02:14,601 --> 00:02:17,601
Mostly, I just hada bunch of crushes.
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They call it a crushbecause chances are
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00:02:19,806 --> 00:02:22,776
if you open your mouth,you're gonna get crushed.
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00:02:22,809 --> 00:02:25,609
They could have called it,"She don't like you, stupid,"
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but "crush" is just quicker.
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00:02:29,282 --> 00:02:30,722
That's Tangee Brown.
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00:02:32,552 --> 00:02:33,692
Hi.
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00:02:33,720 --> 00:02:35,660
All she eversaid to me was "hi."
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That's all I needed. Afterthat, she became my bus crush.
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I call it a bus crush
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because this onehappened on a bus.
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00:02:44,464 --> 00:02:48,674
One timeI had an elevator crush.
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I almost lost my headtrying to follow her around.
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00:02:51,905 --> 00:02:53,635
There was my window crush.
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00:02:53,673 --> 00:02:55,813
[SCREAMING]
[SCREAMING]
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00:02:55,842 --> 00:02:58,812
The laws about that were a lotmore relaxed at the time.
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00:02:58,845 --> 00:03:01,715
There was onlyone problem with my bus crush:
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00:03:01,748 --> 00:03:03,348
she had a boyfriend.
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00:03:03,383 --> 00:03:05,593
Why I gotta be stupid?
Youlost your hat.
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00:03:05,618 --> 00:03:07,918
I was trying to keep you
from getting on the wrong bus.
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00:03:07,954 --> 00:03:10,294
Oh, so I'm dumb now?
Yeah, Tangee.
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00:03:10,323 --> 00:03:11,863
And you're getting on my nerves.
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00:03:11,891 --> 00:03:13,461
[BELL DINGS]
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00:03:13,493 --> 00:03:15,963
Clyde, you still got my books.
Here.
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00:03:15,995 --> 00:03:18,595
You need to read them. Maybe
they'll teach you how to act.
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00:03:18,631 --> 00:03:20,601
This must behow the drummer felt
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00:03:20,633 --> 00:03:23,273
watching Ike and Tina fight.
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00:03:23,303 --> 00:03:25,313
Thank you.
You want to sit down?
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No, that's okay.
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00:03:26,573 --> 00:03:28,983
Oh, no, it's all right.
I like to stand.
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Thanks.
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00:03:30,677 --> 00:03:32,007
At that moment,
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00:03:32,045 --> 00:03:34,675
somebody could have sold mea lifetime bus pass.
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[MOUTHS]
I love you.
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CHRIS ROCK:
My mother lovedValentine's Day,
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and why not?I learned early on,
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Valentine's Dayis not a day for couples,
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00:03:45,425 --> 00:03:46,985
it's a day for women.
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00:03:47,027 --> 00:03:50,827
If a woman shows up at a man'sdoor empty-handed, big deal.
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00:03:50,864 --> 00:03:53,674
But if a man shows upempty-handed,
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he may as wellnot have shown up at all.
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WOMAN: Die, you pig!
Aah!
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He won't forget next year.
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ROCHELLE: Hello?
GIRL:Can I talk to Drew?
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00:04:01,474 --> 00:04:03,384
Drew can't come
to the phone right now.
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00:04:03,410 --> 00:04:05,350
We're having dinner.
I'm his valentine.
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00:04:05,378 --> 00:04:07,308
His who?
His valentine.
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00:04:07,347 --> 00:04:10,677
His only valentine.
Okay, bye.
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00:04:10,717 --> 00:04:12,917
Drew, you need
to tell these fast little girls
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00:04:12,952 --> 00:04:15,462
to stop calling
all hours of the day and night.
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00:04:15,488 --> 00:04:17,058
I told them already.
Tell them again.
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00:04:17,090 --> 00:04:21,490
They're all calling, "Well,
tell him his valentine called."
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00:04:21,528 --> 00:04:23,028
I don't have time for that.
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00:04:23,063 --> 00:04:25,503
Relax. Boy can't help it
if he's popular.
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00:04:25,532 --> 00:04:28,402
Chris, how many valentine cards
did you get so far?
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00:04:28,435 --> 00:04:30,695
None.
How come girls don't like you?
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00:04:30,737 --> 00:04:32,367
None of your business,
that's why.
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00:04:32,405 --> 00:04:35,635
Don't get mad at me.
Hey, hey, hey.
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00:04:35,675 --> 00:04:38,905
Mama, can you help me make
a Valentine's Day card?
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00:04:38,945 --> 00:04:40,405
JULIUS:
A homemade card.
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00:04:40,447 --> 00:04:42,647
That's my little girl,
saving that money.
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00:04:42,682 --> 00:04:45,722
Sure, baby. Who's it for?
My boyfriend.
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00:04:45,752 --> 00:04:47,792
[***]
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00:04:47,821 --> 00:04:50,391
Your what friend?
Well, the girl can't help it
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00:04:50,423 --> 00:04:51,893
if she's popular.
102
00:04:54,728 --> 00:04:57,828
Where'd you get a boyfriend?
At school.
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00:04:57,864 --> 00:05:00,904
Ma, do you have a place
where I can put all my cards?
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00:05:00,934 --> 00:05:02,374
How many you giving out, boy?
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00:05:02,402 --> 00:05:04,102
Well, I'm not really
giving them out.
106
00:05:04,137 --> 00:05:05,837
Girls just keep
giving them to me.
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00:05:05,872 --> 00:05:07,542
JULIUS:
My man.
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00:05:07,574 --> 00:05:10,144
Are girls supposed to give boys
Valentine's Day cards?
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00:05:10,176 --> 00:05:11,576
They're giving them to him.
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00:05:11,611 --> 00:05:13,881
What's that
got to do to with me?
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00:05:13,913 --> 00:05:16,723
How long
have you had a boyfriend?
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00:05:16,750 --> 00:05:17,850
Just for a week.
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00:05:17,884 --> 00:05:19,924
Rochelle?
Julius.
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00:05:19,953 --> 00:05:23,163
I wish somebody would give me
a Valentine's Day card that says
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00:05:23,189 --> 00:05:24,889
something besides "I hate you."
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00:05:24,924 --> 00:05:27,094
Well, if you want,
you can have one of mine.
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00:05:27,127 --> 00:05:30,427
And I thought gettinghis hand-me-downs was bad.
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00:05:30,463 --> 00:05:31,973
Mm, no, thank you.
119
00:05:31,998 --> 00:05:34,998
Who gave you a card
that said "I hate you"?
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00:05:35,035 --> 00:05:37,435
Oh, I don't know.
121
00:05:37,470 --> 00:05:38,940
It's just a stupid joke.
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00:05:38,972 --> 00:05:41,142
Even thoughI didn't like Caruso,
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00:05:41,174 --> 00:05:45,614
I didn't think he deservedto be cursed out by my mother.
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00:05:45,645 --> 00:05:47,705
Even thoughmy father wasn't romantic,
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00:05:47,747 --> 00:05:49,717
he wasn't stupid, either.
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00:05:49,749 --> 00:05:51,989
He had a box full ofgreeting cards in the house.
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00:05:52,018 --> 00:05:56,018
He could give my mothera card for any occasion.
128
00:05:56,056 --> 00:05:57,986
Happy Anniversary.
129
00:05:58,024 --> 00:06:01,164
Aw, you shouldn't have.
130
00:06:01,194 --> 00:06:04,034
Happy Flag Day.
131
00:06:04,064 --> 00:06:06,974
Oh, you shouldn't have.
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00:06:07,000 --> 00:06:09,440
Happy Chanukah.
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00:06:09,469 --> 00:06:12,609
Oh, you shouldn't have.
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00:06:12,639 --> 00:06:14,809
He used to keepcandy under the bed too,
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00:06:14,841 --> 00:06:17,411
but the mice kept eating it.
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00:06:18,645 --> 00:06:20,605
[ROCHELLE CLEARS THROAT]
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Hey, babe.
Hey, baby.
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This is for you.
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00:06:28,755 --> 00:06:31,555
Baby, it's not even
Valentine's Day yet.
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00:06:31,591 --> 00:06:36,131
I know, but every day
is special with you.
141
00:06:36,162 --> 00:06:39,032
Oh, Julius, you didn't have to.
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00:06:39,065 --> 00:06:40,965
But since you did...
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00:06:43,670 --> 00:06:45,940
You see all this right here?
You see that?
144
00:06:45,972 --> 00:06:48,172
That's why Tonya don't need
to be running around
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00:06:48,208 --> 00:06:50,038
talking about
she got a boyfriend.
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00:06:50,076 --> 00:06:52,046
Julius, she's 10 years old.
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00:06:52,078 --> 00:06:55,018
He's just a boy in her class.
It's no big deal.
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00:06:55,048 --> 00:06:56,618
Rochelle, do you watch the news?
149
00:06:56,649 --> 00:06:58,149
Girls are having babies at 10.
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00:06:58,184 --> 00:06:59,894
And grandbabies at 20.
151
00:06:59,919 --> 00:07:02,259
Drew is the one
you need to be worried about.
152
00:07:02,288 --> 00:07:05,688
What for?
So a few girls like him.
153
00:07:05,725 --> 00:07:08,025
There's nothing wrong with that.
He's 11.
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00:07:08,061 --> 00:07:09,801
He's only
one year older than Tonya.
155
00:07:09,829 --> 00:07:12,269
Pssht.
What is the difference?
156
00:07:12,298 --> 00:07:13,928
She is a girl.
157
00:07:13,967 --> 00:07:18,507
Baby, you cannot protect
Tonya from everything.
158
00:07:18,538 --> 00:07:21,068
You wanna bet? Watch me.
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00:07:21,107 --> 00:07:23,807
I'll protect her
from everything. Everything.
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00:07:23,843 --> 00:07:26,683
It was clear that my fatheralready had a plan.
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00:07:26,713 --> 00:07:29,623
Daddy, this is Ronald.
My fiancé.
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00:07:29,649 --> 00:07:31,549
Nice to meet you, sir.
163
00:07:33,253 --> 00:07:35,223
[GROANS]
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00:07:35,255 --> 00:07:38,215
Mama! Daddy shot
my fiancé again.
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00:07:38,258 --> 00:07:42,258
Hey, say what you want, butthat's effective birth control.
166
00:07:42,295 --> 00:07:43,855
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]
167
00:07:43,897 --> 00:07:46,767
Hey, why do girls like guys
that are mean to them?
168
00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:48,270
Nice guys finish last.
169
00:07:48,301 --> 00:07:51,001
Maybe the mean guys beat
the crap out of the nice guys
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00:07:51,037 --> 00:07:53,807
so when the girls show up,
no one else is around.
171
00:07:53,840 --> 00:07:55,180
Did you say anything
to her?
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00:07:55,208 --> 00:07:58,108
I picked up her books
and I offered her a seat.
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00:07:58,144 --> 00:07:59,754
Oh, man, this is major.
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00:07:59,779 --> 00:08:01,109
What's her name?
Tangee.
175
00:08:01,147 --> 00:08:02,977
Greg, this is for you.
176
00:08:03,016 --> 00:08:04,846
Oh, yeah.
177
00:08:04,884 --> 00:08:07,094
Please don't open it
until I leave.
178
00:08:07,120 --> 00:08:08,690
Promise?
Okay.
179
00:08:08,722 --> 00:08:11,662
[***]
180
00:08:11,691 --> 00:08:13,191
Valentine's Day card?
181
00:08:13,226 --> 00:08:14,956
It says "Be mine."
182
00:08:14,994 --> 00:08:16,634
Okay.
183
00:08:17,630 --> 00:08:19,700
Yeah.
184
00:08:19,733 --> 00:08:23,603
Man, "Be my valentine,"
that's so cool.
185
00:08:23,636 --> 00:08:25,766
Hey, look, you got one too.
186
00:08:28,041 --> 00:08:31,581
"Roses are red,
violets are blue...
187
00:08:31,611 --> 00:08:35,151
cupid hates your guts,
and I do too."
188
00:08:35,181 --> 00:08:38,351
Well, at least this time
he wrote a poem.
189
00:08:38,385 --> 00:08:41,115
[LAUGHS]
[CHUCKLES]
190
00:08:43,189 --> 00:08:45,889
I never knew whenI'd see Tangee on the bus,
191
00:08:45,925 --> 00:08:48,625
so I was always excitedwhen I saw her get on.
192
00:08:48,661 --> 00:08:50,161
TANGEE: Let me go!
No.
193
00:08:50,196 --> 00:08:52,626
Unfortunately, she wasalways excited too.
194
00:08:52,665 --> 00:08:56,735
Not "happy" excited, morelike "hold me back" excited.
195
00:08:56,770 --> 00:08:59,710
Look what you did to my jacket.
It's all stretched out.
196
00:08:59,739 --> 00:09:01,139
If you got on like I said,
it wouldn't have happened.
197
00:09:01,174 --> 00:09:03,784
You ain't my daddy.
I don't have to do what you say.
198
00:09:03,810 --> 00:09:05,610
Push me again
and see what happens.
199
00:09:05,645 --> 00:09:08,145
Hey. Leave her alone.
200
00:09:08,181 --> 00:09:10,251
What?
You heard him.
201
00:09:10,283 --> 00:09:12,023
What you gonna do now?
202
00:09:12,052 --> 00:09:14,752
Hey, I don't need any helpgetting my ass whupped.
203
00:09:14,788 --> 00:09:16,718
That's the one thingI'm good at.
204
00:09:16,756 --> 00:09:20,126
* Everybody hates Chris
205
00:09:29,202 --> 00:09:32,242
Mind your business.
I couldn't back down now.
206
00:09:32,272 --> 00:09:35,212
I was scared if I movedI might pee myself.
207
00:09:35,241 --> 00:09:36,741
No.
208
00:09:36,776 --> 00:09:39,646
Get the hell off my bus, boy.
209
00:09:39,679 --> 00:09:42,179
Okay.
Not you. You.
210
00:09:42,215 --> 00:09:44,345
Come on, let's go.
Why I got to get off?
211
00:09:44,384 --> 00:09:46,354
He started it.
Quit lying.
212
00:09:46,386 --> 00:09:47,986
He ain't start nothing.
213
00:09:48,021 --> 00:09:50,691
Why don't you quit lying?
I said, get off.
214
00:09:50,724 --> 00:09:52,894
Now move.
215
00:09:56,996 --> 00:09:59,026
[BUS DOORS OPEN]
216
00:09:59,065 --> 00:10:00,925
You want to sit down?
217
00:10:00,967 --> 00:10:02,767
Sure.
218
00:10:04,804 --> 00:10:07,244
Why'd you do that?
I don't know.
219
00:10:07,273 --> 00:10:08,913
I wasn't thinking, I guess.
220
00:10:08,942 --> 00:10:10,942
My father said you're not
supposed to hit a girl.
221
00:10:10,977 --> 00:10:13,707
You know your father?
Yeah.
222
00:10:15,181 --> 00:10:17,781
Nobody's ever looked out for me
like that before.
223
00:10:17,817 --> 00:10:19,347
What's your name?
Chris.
224
00:10:19,386 --> 00:10:21,786
[***]
225
00:10:27,127 --> 00:10:29,157
I'm Tangee.
226
00:10:29,195 --> 00:10:30,795
Here.
227
00:10:30,830 --> 00:10:32,370
A Valentine's Day card?
228
00:10:32,399 --> 00:10:36,969
Yeah. I was gonna give it
to Clyde, but he makes me sick.
229
00:10:37,003 --> 00:10:38,943
Thanks.
This was great,
230
00:10:38,972 --> 00:10:40,442
my first Valentine's.
231
00:10:40,473 --> 00:10:43,243
So what if it was meantfor a future wife beater?
232
00:10:43,276 --> 00:10:44,706
He ain't beat me.
233
00:10:44,744 --> 00:10:46,884
[DOORBELL BUZZES]
234
00:10:46,913 --> 00:10:49,453
Hi. Is Drew home?
235
00:10:49,482 --> 00:10:51,182
Do you realize
it's 8:30 at night?
236
00:10:51,217 --> 00:10:52,987
Drew is in bed.
237
00:10:53,019 --> 00:10:54,819
He is 11.
238
00:10:54,854 --> 00:10:57,724
E-L-E-V-E-N, 11.
239
00:10:57,757 --> 00:10:59,057
I--
Go home.
240
00:10:59,092 --> 00:11:00,862
If I see you
around my child again,
241
00:11:00,894 --> 00:11:03,404
I'm calling the cops. Got that?
Yeah, I--
242
00:11:03,430 --> 00:11:07,030
Okay, I know all of that.
I know, girl, I know.
243
00:11:07,067 --> 00:11:08,437
Beat it.
244
00:11:09,502 --> 00:11:12,812
Ooh, these are my favorites.
245
00:11:12,839 --> 00:11:14,869
Mm! Mm-mm-mm.
246
00:11:14,908 --> 00:11:17,938
All right, bye, Dad.
See you later, son.
247
00:11:17,977 --> 00:11:20,877
Daddy, you haven't walked us
to school in a long time.
248
00:11:20,914 --> 00:11:23,524
I know. It's been a while.
249
00:11:23,550 --> 00:11:25,890
Aren't you supposed
to be sleeping?
250
00:11:25,919 --> 00:11:28,759
Yeah. I can get my rest later.
251
00:11:28,788 --> 00:11:31,388
Mama said you don't like
walking us to school.
252
00:11:31,424 --> 00:11:33,134
That's not true.
253
00:11:33,159 --> 00:11:34,889
You want a dollar?
Yeah.
254
00:11:34,928 --> 00:11:38,058
All right. There you go.
255
00:11:39,332 --> 00:11:41,272
Hey, since I'm here,
256
00:11:41,301 --> 00:11:44,441
why don't you show me which one
of these kids is your boyfriend?
257
00:11:44,471 --> 00:11:47,211
Oh, um...there he is.
258
00:11:47,240 --> 00:11:48,880
James!
259
00:11:50,477 --> 00:11:53,247
So that's him, huh?
Yeah.
260
00:11:53,279 --> 00:11:54,849
All right.
261
00:11:56,082 --> 00:11:59,192
Bye, Daddy.
All right, bye, baby.
262
00:12:04,057 --> 00:12:05,787
Can I talk to you for a minute?
263
00:12:05,825 --> 00:12:06,885
[CHILDREN CLAMORING]
264
00:12:06,926 --> 00:12:08,186
Who, me?
Yeah, you.
265
00:12:08,228 --> 00:12:10,398
Get over here.
What's your name?
266
00:12:10,430 --> 00:12:12,830
My name is "Don't worry
about what my name is."
267
00:12:12,866 --> 00:12:15,166
What, you think you're some
kind of ladies' man?
268
00:12:15,201 --> 00:12:18,071
I don't know any ladies.
They're not even ladies to you?
269
00:12:18,104 --> 00:12:20,314
No. Uh, I don't know...
270
00:12:20,340 --> 00:12:23,040
Who are you?
Don't worry about who I am.
271
00:12:23,076 --> 00:12:25,176
Worry about
who you're giving them cards to.
272
00:12:25,211 --> 00:12:28,081
I want my mama.
Oh, so you a mama's boy?
273
00:12:28,114 --> 00:12:30,824
Yes.
Well, listen up, mama's boy.
274
00:12:30,850 --> 00:12:33,590
You stay away from
my daughter, you hear me?
275
00:12:33,620 --> 00:12:35,090
Huh?
276
00:12:35,121 --> 00:12:35,961
[CRYING]
277
00:12:35,989 --> 00:12:37,359
Hey, man, stop that.
278
00:12:37,390 --> 00:12:38,890
Hey, stop that.
279
00:12:38,925 --> 00:12:40,225
MAN:
Hey, stay away from that boy!
280
00:12:40,260 --> 00:12:43,530
Get out of here!
I was just talking to him.
281
00:12:43,563 --> 00:12:46,133
MAN:
Hey, you, I'm talking to you!
282
00:12:46,166 --> 00:12:48,966
While my father was getting ridof Tonya's valentine,
283
00:12:49,002 --> 00:12:51,972
I wish he'd been aroundto get rid of mine.
284
00:12:52,005 --> 00:12:54,035
[***]
285
00:12:54,074 --> 00:12:57,214
"Roses are red,
violets are blue...
286
00:12:58,511 --> 00:13:01,451
Please go back to Africa
and take your mother with you.
287
00:13:01,481 --> 00:13:02,851
[LAUGHING]
288
00:13:02,882 --> 00:13:05,152
Happy Valentine's Day."
BOY: Moron.
289
00:13:05,185 --> 00:13:08,955
Another card like this,and I might just go to Africa.
290
00:13:11,024 --> 00:13:12,364
What's wrong with you?
291
00:13:12,392 --> 00:13:14,432
I'm trying not to bump
into Joy again.
292
00:13:14,461 --> 00:13:16,061
The school's only but so big.
293
00:13:16,096 --> 00:13:18,156
You're bound to run
into her sometimes.
294
00:13:18,198 --> 00:13:20,268
I just don't know
what my next move is.
295
00:13:20,300 --> 00:13:22,500
Well, did you get her a card?
No.
296
00:13:22,535 --> 00:13:24,535
Then that's your next move.
297
00:13:24,571 --> 00:13:27,411
You can come with me.
I was gonna go get one anyway.
298
00:13:27,440 --> 00:13:28,980
For who?
299
00:13:29,009 --> 00:13:31,309
The girl on the bus.
She gave me one yesterday.
300
00:13:31,344 --> 00:13:32,884
And you didn't tell me?
301
00:13:32,912 --> 00:13:34,382
I go to bed early,
but you can call
302
00:13:34,414 --> 00:13:36,584
and wake me up when something
this important happens.
303
00:13:36,616 --> 00:13:38,346
Well, I wanted
to tell you in person.
304
00:13:38,385 --> 00:13:40,315
I broke up a fight between
her and her boyfriend.
305
00:13:40,353 --> 00:13:43,523
You broke up a fight?
Yeah, and she gave me this card.
306
00:13:43,556 --> 00:13:45,026
Dude, this is huge.
307
00:13:45,058 --> 00:13:46,888
Is it? I-I don't know.
308
00:13:46,926 --> 00:13:49,026
It... It's just a card.
309
00:13:49,062 --> 00:13:51,302
A card is,
"I'm yours for the taking."
310
00:13:51,331 --> 00:13:54,201
How in there do you have to be
before you get it?
311
00:13:54,234 --> 00:13:56,174
Why is it
that when it comes to me,
312
00:13:56,202 --> 00:13:58,172
you know so much about girls,
313
00:13:58,204 --> 00:14:00,444
but you freak out
when one gives you a card?
314
00:14:00,473 --> 00:14:04,313
I guess it's kind of like not
being able to cut your own hair.
315
00:14:04,344 --> 00:14:06,414
Before you everbuy a girl a gift,
316
00:14:06,446 --> 00:14:10,046
the first thing you've got todo is buy her the perfect card.
317
00:14:10,083 --> 00:14:11,353
Nah, that's too much.
318
00:14:11,384 --> 00:14:14,954
You haven't even
kissed her yet. Have you?
319
00:14:14,988 --> 00:14:19,458
Um...how about this one?
320
00:14:19,492 --> 00:14:20,932
"You know the deal.
321
00:14:20,960 --> 00:14:22,460
I want you to be my valentine."
322
00:14:22,495 --> 00:14:26,425
That's cool, but it's more
for a friend than a girl.
323
00:14:26,466 --> 00:14:29,136
Whoa, cool.
324
00:14:29,169 --> 00:14:32,239
"Relatively speaking,
would you be my valentine?"
325
00:14:32,272 --> 00:14:36,512
This is perfect.
For Tangee? No, thanks.
326
00:14:36,543 --> 00:14:37,683
No, for Joy.
327
00:14:37,711 --> 00:14:39,611
Greg never fought being a nerd.
328
00:14:39,646 --> 00:14:42,676
I always wonderedhow that worked out for him.
329
00:14:42,716 --> 00:14:45,416
[***]
330
00:14:45,452 --> 00:14:46,622
[HORN HONKING]
331
00:14:46,653 --> 00:14:48,393
Come on, honey!
332
00:14:50,990 --> 00:14:52,730
Greg, when did you get
this car?
333
00:14:52,759 --> 00:14:55,259
Well, the Bentley's
in the shop.
334
00:15:01,434 --> 00:15:03,004
I kind of like this one.
335
00:15:04,671 --> 00:15:08,111
Dude, this card is $2.50.
336
00:15:08,141 --> 00:15:10,381
Hey, you've gotta pay
to play, right?
337
00:15:15,448 --> 00:15:18,248
Quick, give me my card.
338
00:15:18,284 --> 00:15:19,224
Here.
339
00:15:19,252 --> 00:15:21,052
Here. This is for you.
340
00:15:21,087 --> 00:15:23,187
Thank you.
GREG: No, no, no, no.
341
00:15:23,223 --> 00:15:25,393
Read it when you get home.
Okay.
342
00:15:28,094 --> 00:15:30,634
Man, that was close.
343
00:15:30,663 --> 00:15:32,433
What's this?
344
00:15:32,465 --> 00:15:34,225
Oh, ha, ha, very funny.
345
00:15:37,470 --> 00:15:39,410
Chris!
346
00:15:39,439 --> 00:15:40,469
How could you?
347
00:15:40,507 --> 00:15:43,437
When I found out how Caruso
had been teasing you,
348
00:15:43,476 --> 00:15:46,546
I thought you'd appreciate
a real valentine from someone.
349
00:15:46,579 --> 00:15:49,349
Obviously, I was wrong.
Nowadays, you wish
350
00:15:49,382 --> 00:15:51,722
all the teachergave your kids were cards.
351
00:15:51,751 --> 00:15:55,421
I didn't know it was yours.
352
00:15:55,455 --> 00:15:58,485
While I couldn't have beenless popular, back at home,
353
00:15:58,525 --> 00:16:01,025
Drew couldn't have beenmore popular.
354
00:16:01,061 --> 00:16:03,161
[PHONE RINGS]
355
00:16:04,297 --> 00:16:06,427
Hello?
GIRL:Is my valentine home yet?
356
00:16:06,466 --> 00:16:09,036
No, Drew is
still outside playing.
357
00:16:09,069 --> 00:16:11,169
Stop calling here!
358
00:16:11,204 --> 00:16:12,574
What's wrong, what's wrong?
359
00:16:12,605 --> 00:16:13,705
All these girls calling.
360
00:16:13,740 --> 00:16:15,440
It's getting on my nerves.
361
00:16:15,475 --> 00:16:17,275
I already have
enough to deal with.
362
00:16:17,310 --> 00:16:20,180
Can you believe some maniac
threatened the kids?
363
00:16:20,213 --> 00:16:22,483
I've gotta go pick them up
from school today.
364
00:16:22,515 --> 00:16:24,675
Well, at least Drew's there
to protect Tonya.
365
00:16:24,718 --> 00:16:27,688
Now, what are we gonna do
about Drew and these girls?
366
00:16:27,721 --> 00:16:30,091
Huh? What?
367
00:16:30,123 --> 00:16:31,463
Julius, every five minutes,
368
00:16:31,491 --> 00:16:33,631
some girl is calling
or knocking at the door.
369
00:16:33,660 --> 00:16:37,160
Drew is way too young
to get this much attention.
370
00:16:37,197 --> 00:16:40,327
Rochelle, it's nothing, okay?
371
00:16:40,367 --> 00:16:42,337
Drew's only 11 years old.
372
00:16:42,369 --> 00:16:44,069
He don't care
about those girls.
373
00:16:44,104 --> 00:16:46,544
Boys are becoming fathers
even at age 12.
374
00:16:46,573 --> 00:16:49,443
CHRIS ROCK:
And great-grandfathers at 43.
375
00:16:49,476 --> 00:16:51,136
Baby, relax.
376
00:16:51,177 --> 00:16:52,207
Don't worry about it.
377
00:16:52,245 --> 00:16:53,705
You don't worry about it,
378
00:16:53,747 --> 00:16:56,717
'cause I ain't about to let
nobody call me Grandmama.
379
00:16:56,750 --> 00:16:58,490
With my mother on the job,
380
00:16:58,518 --> 00:17:01,418
I didn't get a girltill I was 33.
381
00:17:01,454 --> 00:17:05,794
Meanwhile, Drew had more girlsthan an Usher after-party.
382
00:17:07,394 --> 00:17:09,234
Happy Valentine's Day, Drew.
383
00:17:09,262 --> 00:17:12,432
Oh, thank you, Miss Johnson.
Uh-huh.
384
00:17:12,465 --> 00:17:15,435
As bad as my Valentine's Dayhad been going, I knew
385
00:17:15,468 --> 00:17:18,768
I could count on my bus crushto make it all right.
386
00:17:18,805 --> 00:17:21,465
Hey, Chris, I saved you a seat.
387
00:17:24,377 --> 00:17:26,107
Thanks.
388
00:17:28,248 --> 00:17:30,448
Can I ask you something?
What?
389
00:17:30,483 --> 00:17:33,653
How come you go with a guy
that you always fight with?
390
00:17:33,687 --> 00:17:37,857
I'm not going with him anymore.
He's stupid.
391
00:17:37,891 --> 00:17:39,361
That's all I needed to hear.
392
00:17:39,392 --> 00:17:41,162
Hey, I got you something.
393
00:17:41,194 --> 00:17:43,834
Really? That's so sweet.
394
00:17:43,863 --> 00:17:46,133
What else?
395
00:17:46,166 --> 00:17:47,466
What else, what?
396
00:17:47,500 --> 00:17:50,270
Where's the gift?
I only got you a card.
397
00:17:50,303 --> 00:17:52,613
That's it?
It's Valentine's Day,
398
00:17:52,639 --> 00:17:56,279
and all you got me was
this cheap-ass card?
399
00:17:56,309 --> 00:17:58,449
I-I just met you.
So?
400
00:17:58,478 --> 00:18:00,408
Where's the flowers?
Where's the candy?
401
00:18:00,447 --> 00:18:02,377
I thought I meant
something to you.
402
00:18:02,415 --> 00:18:03,845
I thought we had a connection.
403
00:18:03,883 --> 00:18:06,553
You know, I could have stayed
with Clyde's sorry ass
404
00:18:06,586 --> 00:18:08,556
if this is how you
were gonna treat me.
405
00:18:08,588 --> 00:18:10,488
Can you please quiet down?
You don't tell me to be quiet.
406
00:18:10,523 --> 00:18:13,493
Why don't you be quiet?
Better yet, shut up!
407
00:18:13,526 --> 00:18:16,296
Gonna tell me to be quiet.
You ain't my daddy!
408
00:18:16,329 --> 00:18:17,899
Getting cursed out on a bus
409
00:18:17,931 --> 00:18:21,271
is not really how I expectedto end my Valentine's Day,
410
00:18:21,301 --> 00:18:22,701
but it did prove my point.
411
00:18:22,736 --> 00:18:25,336
If you have a crush,you get crushed.
412
00:18:25,372 --> 00:18:27,442
This is a piece of paper!
I don't need this!
413
00:18:27,474 --> 00:18:30,414
Where was the bus driverwith a bat when you needed him?
414
00:18:30,443 --> 00:18:32,283
I kissed your
little funky cheek,
415
00:18:32,312 --> 00:18:33,782
but I could have
stayed with Clyde.
416
00:18:33,813 --> 00:18:37,323
Here, take back your stupid
card. I do not need this.
417
00:18:40,420 --> 00:18:43,720
Drew, you gotta return
these cards to Miss Johnson.
418
00:18:43,757 --> 00:18:45,857
A 30-year-old married woman
419
00:18:45,892 --> 00:18:48,832
giving cards
to my 11-year-old son.
420
00:18:48,862 --> 00:18:51,232
What about the candy?
421
00:18:51,264 --> 00:18:54,504
I think sending
the cards back makes the point.
422
00:18:57,370 --> 00:18:59,370
Giving the card to Tangeedidn't work out,
423
00:18:59,406 --> 00:19:01,606
but I knew my motherwould appreciate one.
424
00:19:01,641 --> 00:19:03,511
Thank you, sweetie.
425
00:19:03,543 --> 00:19:06,283
You didn't have to give me
a card.
426
00:19:06,312 --> 00:19:08,652
I already know that you love me.
427
00:19:08,682 --> 00:19:10,382
[CHUCKLES]
428
00:19:11,651 --> 00:19:13,651
Who the hell is Joy?
429
00:19:15,955 --> 00:19:18,785
Joy, are you dating a black guy?
430
00:19:18,825 --> 00:19:20,585
She did, five years later.
431
00:19:20,627 --> 00:19:24,397
* Everybody hates Chris
432
00:19:27,267 --> 00:19:30,637
[***]
433
00:19:30,670 --> 00:19:33,370
* Aw, make it funky now
30732
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