Original subtitles

When Johnny comes marching home again, hurrah, hurrah!

They'll give him a hearty welcome then, hurrah, hurrah!

The boys will sing, the men will shout

(EXHALES)

The girls, they will all turn out

And we'll all feel gay when Johnny comes marching home!

When Johnny comes marching home again, hurrah, hurrah!

There'll be a big celebration then, hurrah, hurrah!

No sign of him yet, Miss Peggy!

There you are, she's so nice and clean now, you can see yourself right through it.

I don't wanna see myself, Jackson, I wanna see him.

Oh, don't worry, Miss Peggy, he'll come on the double when he smells your mom's cookin'!

When Johnny comes marchin' home again, hurrah, hurrah!

The boys will shout and the men will cheer hurrah, hurrah!

The boys will shout, the men will sing, the girl will say what it's all about

And we'll all feel gay when...

Mother, what time is it?

Just five minutes later than the last time you asked me.

Oh, is Monty ever going to get here?

You've waited two years, it won't hurt you to wait a few minutes longer.

Mother, you know we'd planned to get married as soon as he got out of the army.

Would you mind if we did it right away?

You will have dinner first, won't you dear?

It's unhealthy to get married on an empty stomach.

Gosh, I hope he's all right.

Well, he wrote to you, he was completely whole again.

They wouldn't have discharged him otherwise.

Oh, did you fix his room?

Mmm-hmm, everything is just as he left it. -Must be an awful mess.

(HORN HONKING)

Home.

It's Monty, he's here!

Oh, I look a fright!

Well, naturally. You've only changed your dress three times in the past three minutes!

Say, I wouldn't mind leaving you a kiss for the tip!

$10, Sergeant, don't get fresh.

Monty!

Oh, Monty, darling!

MAN: Hey.

Remember us? -Oh.

Oh. This is Peggy. -Monty!

Mom! It's good to see you.

Believe it or not, but this slip of a girl is Peggy's mother.

Oh, mom, Peggy, these are my pals.

Private Nopper Harrison, and Corporal Hacky Smith.

Hello. -I've been looking forward to this, Mrs. Gray. Peggy.

Monty's friends are always welcome. -Likewise, I'm sure.

After that long sea voyage, you boys must be starved!

But you'll have to take pot luck!

Oh, don't let her kid you, she's the greatest mess sergeant in the world.

She always cooks enough for a division.

Monty's always spoiling me. Come in. Come on in.

Oh boy, does that smell good. -Sure does.

You glad you came now? -Home cookin'.

But we should not have come.

We don't wanna make no intrusion.

Intrusion? This is wonderful.

Instead of just one boy, I've got three!

You know, you're just the way Monty described you.

Hope you won't hold that against me.

Say, I uh, wonder why Monty kept telling us that you were short and fat and

Wore horn-rimmed glasses.

For that you sleep on the floor.

Hey, Ma! Mom, is it all right if the boys share my room until they sorta get settled?

Oh, but they're not going to share your room. We've got plenty of beds.

My two boarders left, when the Defense Flight moved to Jersey.

So you see? Everything is all arranged. -Aw, that's swell.

So come on, just follow me.

Thanks, Mom, I know you wouldn't let my pals down.

Well! Hello, Mr. Brewster!

Jackson! -I'm certainly glad to see you all in one piece.

Say, I heard you were in the Navy. -So did the Japs!

And when they did there was more harry-carry and throat cuttin'

than at a Harlem red party. - (BOTH LAUGHING)

South Pacific, eh? -South.

'Course, they loaded me with lead to make sure I'd sink,

Then they shot the boat from under me.

I sank four times but, you can't keep a good man down!

Aw, it's good to see you, Jackson. -Thanks, Mr. Brewster!

Say, young lady, you know, there's something different about you.

What?

Mmm-hmm, changed your lipstick. -(LAUGHS)

There's something different about you too.

You're parting your hair on the other side.

Oh, well, that, well, that's really your fault. -Why?

Well you see in the foxholes I used to keep your picture in my helmet.

One night I took the helmet off to kiss you goodnight,

And the sniper's bullet changed the parting for me.

Oh, darling, I'm so glad you're out of it.

Oh, gosh, I've got about two years of conversation to make up for

And I don't know where to begin!

Oh, I uh, I... Found an old friend of yours.

Betsy! Where'd you find it?

Mother was using it for door stop. -Fine thing.

You know I saved... -Hadn't been for your letters I'd have...

I've got a bunch of... -Did you get the box I sent you?

Okay. Okay, you take it.

Well. I'm still a private secretary.

Oh, I got a five dollar raise!

Oh, a five dollar raise! Well, that's fine.

Look, I, uh, I don't wanna sound mercenary, but, uh,

When are we gonna get married?

Well, would right away be too soon?

Let's do it tomorrow.

Mister, you've got a date.

Come on down, boys.

HARRISON: We'll be right down, Mrs. Gray!

Ahem. Time out for cocktails.

They were too soon! -HARRISON: Let's go, Hacky.

Will you get a load of this?

(TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

Boy, oh, boy. This suit of yours feels great, Monty!

Hey what are you moths doing in my clothes? -Not bad, huh?

Oh, don't worry we left one of your suits for you. -Oh, thanks.

Well. I never thought I'd wear civilian clothes again!

You're wearing civilian clothes, but not well.

Civilian clothes! That's the hard cheese in the eighth race at Belmont today.

Horse talk, go for the GG's, Jackson?

Oh, I make a few mental bets now and then.

You ever beat 'em? -I'm a bad mental case.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Well, boys, here's to your homecoming, and to your futures.

Monty, I'll swap futures with you anytime.

Speaking of futures, where do we go from here?

I don't know where you're going,

But I'll drive you there if you can still buy taxis on time.

I'm going back to my hack.

I'm going back to my job on Wall Street.

Oh, you a broker?

Customer's man, I used to have charge accounts with all the best nightclubs.

At least, I ate regularly.

Well, Nopper, if you run across a customer that's an architect

See if he needs a good draftsman.

(PHONE RINGING)

Is there a Mr. Montague L. Brewster residing here?

May I enquire as to the nature of your visit with Mr. Brewster?

If I may speak to Mr. Brewster personally. -I'll take it, Jackson.

You want to see me?

Is your name Montague L. Brewster? -That's right.

Your mother's maiden name was Marilyn B. Sedgwick? -Yes.

You were the only son of Barrett Brewster? -I was and am.

You were born in Pawtucket, Rhode Island in the year 1914?

I've been drafted again.

No. No, you can't!

He's been honorably discharged for wounds received in battle. Show him your scar, dear.

You can't take a guy with a hole in his head!

But I represent the law firm of Grant and Ripley.

Maybe the Nazis are suing you for assault and battery!

Mr. Brewster, I am merely here to establish your identity.

Yes, but why? -If you are Montague L. Brewster,

You may soon hear something of great interest to you.

And what am I going to hear that's of such great interest to me?

You may hear, and mind you, I say, "May", that you are heir to a large estate.

At least a million.

You may expect to hear from us in a few days, or thereabout.

Thank you.

Yes, but...

Hey, which of you guys framed this gag?

I wouldn't pull a gag like this! A guy might drop dead!

Did I hear him say that... -That's what he said!

That's what the man said, "At least a million". That's what he said.

Oh, it must be a gag.

Oh, but he seemed to be telling the truth.

Stranger things than that have happened.

Yeah, but not to me. I don't know anybody that'd leave me $10,

Let alone a million dollars. -But Monty, what if it is true?

True? -Yes!

Suppose you really are a millionaire.

Why shouldn't he have a million dollars?

You've always been a fine boy.

Why shouldn't you have a million dollars?

If I had a million dollars, I don't know anyone I'd rather leave it to than you,

Mr. Brewster. -Oh, don't brush him off.

You'd be a natural for a rich relative with dope, if you had a rich relative.

Mr. Brewster, this card's engraved.

I've heard of Grant and Ripley, they're a reputable firm.

If they took the trouble to look you up the first day you got back,

It must be legitimate!

Yeah. Yeah you're right.

Then it's true! It must be true! I'm a millionaire!

Peggy, Peggy, I'm a millionaire!

Look the card, it's engraved!

Wait a minute, wait a minute, you're all in this, you know, we're gonna stick together!

Hacky, I'm gonna buy you cabs, cover the whole town!

You are? -Sure!

And Nopper, you and I are gonna open our own broker shop.

And mom, God love you, you'll never have to wash another dish as long as you live.

Jackson you've got a job for life.

And Peggy, Peggy, we're gonna form our own corporation and raise our own stock hold!

(LAUGHING)

We're in the money We're in the money

We've got a lot of what it takes to get along

We're in the money, The sky is sunny

Old Man Depression, you are through, You done us wrong

JACKSON: "Expect to hear from us in a few days or thereabouts", the man said.

That's what he said Mr. Brewster, "A few days or thereabouts."

Well, the few days are up.

Now we can start on the thereabouts.

I don't understand why we don't hear from them.

I'm rackin' my brains!

(COINS JINGLING)

It's ringin'. -Uh-uh.

Yeah, yeah, it's ringin'. It was just a little, teeny bitty ring.

Go ahead, answer it.

This is the Gray residence, Mr. Brewster is here.

WOMAN: (OVER PHONE) Number, please?

(BELLS RINGING)

This is the Gray residence, Mr. Brewster is here.

WOMAN: (OVER PHONE) Number, please?

Come on, buddy, do your stuff.

It's no use, Mr. Brewster, I'm trying as hard as I can,

But you just can't rule a voice in on the telephone.

Oh, stop kidding, will you, Jackson? I'm nervous.

Well, you ain't alone, and I ain't kiddin'.

Yeah, but I postponed my wedding and it's bad luck to postpone a wedding.

Not if you keep on postponing it!

Go ahead, call Grant. Call him in the office.

It's no use. We've called him eight times Thursday,

18 times Friday, and this morning already we've called him 24.

Well, then, make it 25. -Well, he's only gonna say the same thing.

"No news as yet. I'll call you when I hear."

(BELL RINGING)

This is the Gray residence, Mr. Brewster's definitely in!

WOMAN: (OVER PHONE) Number, please?

One of you must have Athlete's Foot.

Hello, darling. Wedding finery.

Still insist on a church wedding, huh?

Certainly! How else would I marry a millionaire?

Hey, uh, you haven't quit your job yet?

Not yet. -Oh, that's good.

Why, anything new? -No, no, nothing.

What if he doesn't call? -Look, Peggy.

I've suffered more in these last three days than I have in the entire war.

I think my first hunch was right, it's just a gag.

So we'll have to face it. No millions, no church wedding.

I'm just a bust.

Darling, I've never been so happy as I have these last three days.

Why, thinking I was a millionaire? -No.

Just having you home.

Now forget it. We've always been broke, money isn't everything.

Yeah, but everything is nothing without it.

Oh, forget that telephone too.

If it does ring, we won't even answer it. -(PHONE RINGING)

Hello!

Give it to me!

(WOMAN TALKING INDISTINCTLY OVER PHONE)

Here, let me have it, I'll talk to him.

Hello, this is Monty. -GRANT: Mr. Brewster?

This is Grant from Grant and Ripley.

Mr. Brewster speaking!

Yeah. This is... this is Mr. Brewster.

Mr. Brewster, hope this delay hasn't inconvenienced you.

But you understand we had to completely check into your identity

And also await the arrival of Mr. Swearengen Jones from Bolivia.

He's the executor of the will, you know.

And, uh, let me congratulate you, Mr. Brewster.

You've just inherited eight million dollars.

(CLATTERING)

PEGGY: Oh, Monty, darling! -Hello, Mr. Brewster!

JACKSON: Sorry, Mr. Grant, Mr. Brewster just went out!

Oh... (CHUCKLES)

Look, Mr. Jones. Let me get this right.

My uncle, James T. Sedgwick, died and left me eight million dollars.

That's after all the taxes have been paid.

That's right, son. He made it all in Bolivia.

He owned tin mines.

Well, I thought he was a bug hunter or something. -Mmm-hmm.

An anthropologist.

He was digging for a Neanderthal specimen when he struck tin.

Eight million dollars. That ain't tin.

What kind of a guy was he? -Oh, Jim was a great fellow.

Not much of a family man, but he liked his little jokes.

Was this will one of them? -No, no, no he was just being cautious.

He didn't want to spoil you. -Want to spoil me?

He left me eight million dollars providing that I spend

A million of it by high noon of my 30th birthday?

He didn't want you to become a spend thrift or a wastrel.

Oh, now wait a minute, Mr. Jones, how can anybody spend a million dollars

In two months and not be a spend thrift or a wastrel?

Was my uncle born crazy or did it just sorta

Sneak up on him in his later years?

No, no, your uncle, Jim's idea was perfectly logical.

You see, when he was a boy, his father made him chew a wad of tobacco.

He got so sick, he never chewed or smoked again.

He wants you to spend until you're sick of it.

He wants you to learn to hate spending money.

Oh, come now, Mr. Jones. No one can learn to hate spending money.

When is your 30th birthday?

Um, October 13th.

Sorry to give you such a short notice, Brewster, but

You see, your uncle died eight months ago when you were in Italy,

And we, we couldn't contact you.

Now let's see... This is August 13th, so, two months from today,

On October 13th, exactly at noon,

If you have spent one million dollars and have no assets,

You will inherit the balance of your uncle's estate.

I'll give it to charity.

(CHUCKLES) No, not quite that easy.

You can give only five percent to charity.

Well... Well, all right, then I'll, uh...

I'll buy a million dollars worth of war bonds with it.

War bonds are the best asset you can own.

Well, I still think I can knock the million off with one hand tied behind my back.

Besides that, I've got a couple of pals that can help me.

You can use both hands, and your head, but no pals.

It must be kept secret.

Secret? Why? -So that your friends can't help you, or hinder you.

Well, what's a man got friends for, if they can't help him spend his money?

JONES: There are a few other conditions, I think, perhaps, you'd better hear them.

Grant, will you read them? - (CLEARS THROAT)

Says, "No indiscriminate gifts or giving away of funds."

Don't be stingy though. Your uncle hated a stingy man.

"No more than ordinary dissipations."

Your uncle hated a saint.

"Let him spend his money freely, but get his money's worth."

"Above everything else, no matrimonial entanglements."

No mat...

Wait a minute gentlemen, wait a minute, I'm getting married tomorrow!

No, you'll have to postpone your wedding, Brewster.

A wife might become a very valuable asset.

Well, it was nice having eight million, even if it was only for a few minutes.

Oh, just a minute, son.

If that girl won't wait two months, she isn't worth marrying.

Two months? I've been waiting two years! That's quite a long time.

Besides, you don't want all that money to go to a lot of old bones.

Old bones? -Mm hmm.

The Anthropological Society of Bolivia gets it, if you don't.

That... Those $1000 bills, they're, they're real?

Real and good, any place in the land.

Well, son, is it yes, or no?

Well, now, wait a minute. Wait a minute.

A million dollars in 60 days. That means I'd have to spend...

I'd have to spend about... Thanks very much.

About $18.000 a day.

But I get seven for one, so I'd be making about 120.000 a day, that's...

A profit of 1,02.000.

Oh...

My head's going round. I can't... (BREATHING HEAVILY)

I'll do it.

I'll spend money six times that fast. I'll be married in 30 days.

That's the spirit, Brewster!

You sounded just like your uncle Jim when you said that.

That's fine. -Just a minute, son.

There's the little matter of an oath. -Oath?

Oh, not that we don't trust you,

But it might bolster your conscience, in case, you weaken.

Place your hand on the Bible and repeat after me.

BOTH: I, Montague L. Brewster...

Solemnly promise and agree...

That I will faithfully perform...

Every condition of my uncle's will...

And I will not communicate...

To any person...

Any information...

Relative to the provisions...

And which I may inherit...

The additional seven million dollars on my 30th birthday, so help me God.

That's fine, son.

There you are, 25.000 dollars. You better verify.

The rest of the million will be in your name, in the Hudson Bay Bank.

Here's your check book. -Oh, thanks. Thanks very much.

Congratulations, Brewster. -Oh, that's all right.

Oh, oh. - (BOTH LAUGHING)

BREWSTER: Thanks very much. -Hey Mister!

There's a little sum of 43.50 on the cab bill.

Oh, the cab bill. Sure, sure, now.

Say, uh, do you own this crate?

Two more payments, why? -You wanna sell it?

And how. Why? -How much?

What business you got with a hack?

Oh, uh, I'm starting a fleet of them, for a pal of mine.

Is that lettuce real? -It's fresh from the mint. How much?

Uh, would 700 bucks be too much? -$700?

Well, maybe I... -Oh, you can't afford to sell a beautiful automobile

Like that for only $700.

Here, let's call an even 1.000. just leave a receipt for me on the wheel and, oh!

Here's an extra 100. I want your badge.

Thanks very much.

Peggy, I know what I'm going to tell you is gonna sound awful, but...

Well, I want you to just hear me out now.

Mother, you're sure it's not too long? -No, dear, it's just lovely.

Now, now, hold still till I fix the veil.

Oh, gee, you look beautiful.

- (GASPS) -Oh, Monty, you mustn't!

What's the matter? You're dressed.

You're not supposed to see her in this dress until the wedding.

Oh, oh, until the wedding, yes.

Mom, would you mind if I talk to Peggy alone for a minute?

Oh, all right.

What happened? Anything wrong?

No, no, no. Everything's fine.

We had a long talk, that is, Mr. Jones and I.

He's a very intelligent man, Mr. Jones.

What did you talk about?

Oh just, things in general, like marriage, and oaths and assets.

Darling, did you know that you're an asset?

You're sort of a frozen asset right now.

Did you invite him to the wedding?

Yes, yes, yes, I invited him to the wedding.

He has to go to Tin Mountain. That's in Bolivia, you know.

He thinks he can be back in time.

Bolivia and back by tomorrow afternoon?

(SIGHS) Well, that's just the point.

Darling, you see, under the circumstances, I thought that maybe it'd be a good idea,

If we postpone the wedding until, well, just some future date that...

Wouldn't you like to sit down?

No. No, I can take it standing.

Yeah, well, I'll sit down then.

Now, now, about the wedding... Ahem... -Yes?

Well, as Mr. Jones says, there are certain things that happen to a man when...

Well, when he inherits a million dollars.

So I noticed.

Yes, yes, certain responsibilities, certain provisions that follow...

Oh darling, don't look at me like that.

I want to get married as much as you do.

Monty, I think your money's changed you already.

Oh, no, it hasn't. -Well, it's something.

Well, it's...

I'm not ready. -Oh.

Maybe you'd like one fling being a bachelor with a million dollars.

Oh, now that's not fair of you to say that to me,

Why I'm only asking you for 30 days.

There isn't a bank in the country wouldn't give me 30 days.

I don't seem to be as close to you anymore as, as a bank.

Oh, but that's not true, darling, you're gonna be with me every minute,

You gotta help me to get started. Peggy you've got to trust me.

Oh, well, that reminds me.

I've always hoped someday that I could slip a little ring on

The sweetest finger in the world and there it is.

Oh, Monty, it's beautiful. -Do you like it?

Oh!

JACKSON: Mr. Brewster, Mr. Brewster! Mr. Brewster! Mr. Brewster!

Yes, Jackson, what is it?

There's a man on the telephone, says he's from the Weldon Towers.

It's very important.

Oh, yeah, hold it for me, will you, Jackson? I'll take it.

Thank you, Jackson. Hello? Weldon Towers?

Yes, this is Brewster speaking. JACKSON: He's a millionaire. -No!

What's that? I don't care what it costs, I want the whole suite.

Yes, for two months, starting right away.

That's right. I'll send you a check for 22.000 over in the morning.

What's that you're buying for 22 grand?

The royal suite at the Weldon Towers, we each got three rooms apiece.

The rest of the place is for Peggy and Ma.

Thanks Monty, mum and I will stay here.

Oh, no, you... - (PHONE RINGS)

Excuse me, just a minute. Yes, speaking.

It is? Good. That's fine, I'll take the entire layout.

That's right. What?

20.000? Well that's kind of cheap, isn't it?

Okay, okay. I'll send a check over in the morning.

What are you buying now for 20.000?

I got the whole top of the Gotham building.

JACKSON: The black pool? -No, the top floor.

So you can park your helicopter, no doubt.

Say, that's a wonderful idea! I'll get one right away.

Jackson, run out and get me a helicopter.

Scotch or bourbon? -Make mine bourbon.

Make mine double. -Well, I'll make 'em all triple.

Do you mind telling us just what you intend to do

With the whole top floor of the Gotham Building?

Offices, for Brewster and Company. -Who're they?

You mean to tell me you've never heard of Brewster and Company?

Uh-uh. -Come here, Hacky, I want to show you something.

See that taxi? -Yeah.

That belongs to Brewster and Company.

And it's only the first of the whole fleet, and you're the admiral in charge.

You kidding? -No, I'm not kidding.

And here's your first month's salary in advance. 5.000 dollars.

Don't forget to give me a receipt.

Whoa, there, Marty, calm down.

Now back up boy, and tell me, what is this business you're going into?

Well, it's kind of a peculiar business.

I don't know if I can exactly explain its various channels.

In fact, I can't explain it exactly because I

Don't think you can explain it, exactly.

Business is usually buying and selling, supply and demand.

Is that your idea? -That's right now, for sure, that's my idea.

Supply and demand, we've got a big supply of money

And there's always a big demand for money. It's very simple.

HARRISON: Oh, a finance corporation, is that it?

That's it Nopper, that's it, a finance corporation.

And Nopper, Nopper, you are going to be Vice President in charge of finances.

There's your first month's salary in advance, $5.000.

You can give me a receipt later on.

Perhaps it is his wound that's affecting him.

HARRISON: 5.000 a month?

Well, there isn't one of us in this room that can earn that much in a year.

Well, that's your opinion. I think differently.

Now come on fellows, get your hats on.

We gotta go out and buy furniture, hire a staff for the office...

What's that? Peggy.

Peggy, you're gonna be my private secretary, the salary of a $1.000 a month.

With an automatic raise every three hours.

Hey, wait a minute. You kick your dough around like that

For a couple of months and you'll be broke! -Yeah.

Monty Cristo!

Oh, that's me! That's me! Monty Cristo!

Monty Cristo and the world is mine!

JACKSON: There you are, folks.

And here you are, Jackson, a small advance on your salary.

You're our new majordomo.

And here's to Brewster and Company.

You better watch those helicopters, one drink and wings or no wings, you'll fly!

(COUGHS)

JACKSON: Good afternoon! Brewster and Company.

Finances, investments, loans and sundries.

No, Mr. Brewster's not come in as yet.

Do you wish to speak to the Vice President-in-charge or Secretary?

Very well, I'll tell him you called.

Mr. Harrison, would you be interested in seeing a man

Who says he invented a cow catcher?

It catches a cow, milks it and throws it back into the pasture again?

No!

The man says, "Uh-uh."

So your only chance is if the thing can make butter.

Brewster and Company.

Mr. Jackson speaking, Vice President in charge of switch boards.

Just a minute, I'll connect you with the Vice President in charge of special investments.

All we need now is a vice president in charge of vice presidents.

PEGGY: And in reply to yours...

Oh, hello boys. That'll be all for now, Irene.

When Monty comes in, have him sign these checks, will you please?

And don't look at them or you'll throw yourself out of the window.

27.000 dollars for the house-warming at the Weldon Towers.

Oh, it's disgraceful. -He can't spend his dough fast enough.

He's got to have that society dame, Barbara Drew, to help him.

Handling money is a science.

An amateur has no right kicking his dough around the way Monty does.

Imagine him back in that musical comedy of Mikhail Mikhailovich.

75.000 bucks dumped into Mikhail's lap just because he was with us in a fox hole.

Have you seen Manhattan this morning? -No.

A fine blast in Marty Mitchell's column, "Broad Wailings".

Listen to this.

"Monty Brewster, Broadway's newest playboy",

"Staggered society with his house-warming at the very smart Weldon Towers",

"Where champagne poured like rain."

"Maybe he was trying to dazzle Barbara Drew, the twice-married heiress"

"Whose pappy owns his own bank."

"Monty's proving a joy to the board's smart set"

"And the so-called pals who surround him in his solid ivory tower."

"A fool and his money are soon parted. So long, chump."

"So-called pals." That's us.

I think I'll take a sock at that Mitchell.

Oh, it's a nasty article, all right, but Monty had it coming to him.

I think we ought to quit. -Yeah, I agree with you, Hacky.

Oh, no, boys, we can't do that.

We're the only protection he has.

If only we could talk to him, reason with him, let him know that we disapprove.

People are picking at him like a lot of vultures.

Here you are. -Oh, Mr. Brewster!

Afternoon, Annie. -Good afternoon, Mr. Brewster.

There you are. -Thank you so much.

Hello, boss! -Hello, Jackson.

Come along, Jackson, I've got some errands for you to do.

Mr. Brewster. Mr. Brewster. May I interest you in this...

Yes, you certainly may, my good man.

That's exactly what the public has been waiting for.

You're to be congratulated. You're a real benefactor to mankind.

It's inventions like that

That are going to turn this future world of ours into a veritable paradise.

What is it? -It's a device that...

Exactly what I thought it was, I'm surprised I didn't think of it myself.

Here's a 1.000 dollars for you on account.

You need anymore, just see my secretary, leave a receipt. -Thank you.

Hello, Alice. -Good afternoon, Mr. Brewster.

There you are. -Thank you, sir.

Jackson, I want you to go and get a dozen ties for Mr. Harrison.

Pick 'em out yourself.

Good afternoon, Mr. Brewster. -Hello, Gale.

Oh, thank you.

And I want you to order a season's box at all the race tracks for Hacky.

I'll lay in two.

(TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

We'll be there in time for the races.

Good afternoon, Mr. Brewster. -Hello, Karen.

Thank you, sir. -I want you to go get five dozen orchids for Ms. Gray.

Yeah, but I put three dozen in there yesterday.

I know, but you can't have Peggy smelling yesterday's orchids.

Ms. Peggy said orchids don't smell!

All right, all right, then make it 10 dozen roses. -Yes, sir.

And uh, here's an extra 100 dollars. You better get a bicycle.

For another 200, I can get a motorcycle.

Oh, that's a good idea, Jackson, a good idea.

There's 300. Get one with a side car in it. Don't forget those receipts!

Keep smiling, Mr. Man in the Moon!

Good afternoon, angel.

PEGGY: (ON INTERCOM) Oh, good afternoon.

Very tasty, but, but please remember, Mr. Brewster, this is a business office.

Why, that kiss is the most important business I've transacted all day.

Here's $60.000 worth of business transactions just crying for your signature.

Ah, pleasure.

Monty, are you sure you're all right?

Fine, great, never felt better in my life!

That is if you love me.

Oh, which reminds me, would you please not say it with flowers?

My office is so full of them now, I can hardly get into it.

Ah, you see, and you thought it was crazy to take this whole top floor.

Why, we're outgrowing our offices already!

Oh!

Get me the manager of the Poultry Show at Madison Square Garden.

Poultry? Now you're talkin', boss!

Hi, Nopper!

Have you seen Mitchell's column?

Have you seen Mitchell? -No, but there's something coming to that guy from me.

It came to him.

What happened, Monty? -You socked him?

Go down to Bellevue Hospital, take a look at him.

Monty, you shouldn't have!

Monty, that's bad. A guy with all your dough can't afford the luxury of

Going around socking columnists, he'll sue you!

Oh, he threatened to, yes indeed, for $10.000.

He can collect too. -Oh, no, he can't, I took care of that.

I settled with him, out of court, for 15.

Holy sailor! -Oh, Monty, you're a fool.

Well, the only reason I did it, honey, was because I didn't want you to worry about

My name being coupled with that of Barbara Drew's.

Never mind worrying about Barbara Drew, it's her old man,

Colonel Drew, we're worried about.

What's the matter with him, is he sick? -Not him, his bank.

Oh. -A private bank, not even protected by the government,

And you've got 200 grand in it. -Well, so what?

So what?

Drew's bank is on the ragged edge, it's liable to fold any minute!

When they close their doors today, they may not open up tomorrow.

You really think so? -Yes.

Now sign this check and let me draw out that 200 grand as quick as I can get down there.

That money stays where it is.

Colonel Drew is a fine, honorable gentleman.

People can call Monty Brewster a fool, a dolt, a spend thrift,

But never let it be said that he let a friend down in their hour of need.

(INTERCOM BUZZES)

Yes? -JACKSON: The poultry man's on the telephone, Mr. Brewster.

Oh, fine, put him on.

Hello? This is Montague L. Brewster speaking.

I want to offer a cash prize of $10,000

To the hen that lays the most eggs between 1:00 and 6:00 tomorrow afternoon.

Yes, that's right. I'll send my check over to you.

Oh, thank you.

But Monty... -It's our civic duty to encourage hens to lay

As many eggs as possible.

Have you seen your statement? -Oh, no, I haven't. Let me see it.

One week in business and one-third of your fortune is already gone.

We have 300.000 in the hole.

No, 325 with that assault and battery pay-off and this chicken prize!

One-third gone.

Hey! Have you got receipts for all our losses?

Oh, sure, receipts, what good are they?

Well, I might need them for my income tax. -Income tax?

You won't have any income. At this rate, you'll be broke in a month.

You don't think that's really possible?

Maybe today, if you don't take care of two things before 3:00, and it's 2:30 now.

Now will you sign a check and let me draw out of Drew's bank?

And let me call Allison and order him to sell your lumber and fuel stock.

Oh, why sell lumber and fuel?

Because it's dropped eight points and it's falling fast.

Oh, so that's it. Nopper.

Nopper, what happens when you drop a rubber ball to the floor?

Why, it bounces right back again.

There you are, you see? That's your answer.

But lumber and fuel is not a rubber ball!

Ten more points, if it drops that, then we're all in the gutter!

Oh, Nopper, don't belittle the gutter!

Some of our finest people started from the gutter.

Give me J. B. Allison and Company.

Oh, well, now you're using your head.

Throw that stock right back at him.

(PHONE RINGS)

Hello, Allison? This is Monty Brewster speaking.

Yeah, say, I want you to, uh, I want you to buy me some more of that lumber and fuel stock.

Yes, yes, I know it's going down but I want another 5.000 shares.

Yes, that's right. No, no, I haven't got a tip, I'm uh...

I'm just using my own judgment.

That's right. All right, thanks, J. B.

That's the pay-off.

Peggy! Bring your notebook!

Take a letter.

Monty Brewster Esquire,

I hereby tender my resignation as vice president

Allegedly in charge of finance,

To take effect as of this moment!

Yours disgustedly, Nopper Harrison.

Alice, take a telegram.

Nopper Harrison Esquire, replying to your paper just received,

Tendering your resignation.

If you will wait until you are fired, I will appreciate it greatly.

Now pull in your long ears, and stop acting like a jackass.

Signed, your pal, Monty Brewster.

Oh, what's the use!

Send it along, anyhow.

Monty, I got a beef.

It's a legitimate beef and you got to listen to me.

All right, fire away, Hacky. -Okay.

Did you or did you not ask me

To go out to Belmont Park at 5:00 this morning the...

No...

And clock a certain philly by the name of Black Magic? -I did.

But you didn't tell me that you'd already bought her for 20 grand

And entered her in the second race at Belmont today.

Hmm. I forgot. That small detail escaped my mind.

But as a judge of horse flesh, I still wanted your opinion.

You're gonna get it.

If hay was selling at five cents a ton,

And Black Magic had an appetite like a canary,

She wouldn't be worth feeding.

Oh, but that's awful, I bet $5.000 on her. You must be kidding me.

If she runs in that race today, they'll lap her twice.

Oh no, you're wrong, she's gonna win.

You're cracked. Look.

We lose 15.000 on the prize fights Monday. -Mm-hmm.

$10.000 on the ball game Wednesday...

Well you can't win all of them.

And after today, we'll be out another five grand.

My department's been in existence one week

And we ain't got a dollar's profit to show for it.

Oh, law of averages, my boy.

And then again, according to statistics,

It may increase over the lateral division of the entire structure.

The entire what?

Oh, you wouldn't understand it, Hacky.

It's a theory based on the law of diminishing returns.

My, uh, stock broker was telling me about it the other night.

Coincidentally, I bought you another cab. -There you go.

Every time you ride in a cab, you buy one.

We've got 12 now and no gas.

Well, why don't you try gin, maybe they'll run on that.

I wish I was back in a fox hole.

(INTERCOM BUZZING)

Hello, darling.

PEGGY: Ms. Barbara Drew is here to see you. Shall I send her in?

Well, I wonder what she wants.

PEGGY: I'm sure I wouldn't know.

(CLEARING THROAT)

Hello there, Monty. -Hello, Barbara.

Well, so this is where you've been wasting your days.

Yes, getting gray, working overtime.

Sit down, won't you? -Oh, I just popped in for a minute.

Was I too extravagant with the arrangements for the house warming?

Oh, no, not at all. Not at all.

I'd hoped... Uh, that is, I'd expected it would cost twice that much.

It's awful nice of you to help me out like this, Barbara.

Oh, think nothing of it.

I'm having the time of my life spending your money.

And it's doing you no end of good, socially.

Oh, you never know how much good it's done me.

I want you to plan some more parties. Big ones, something novel.

Never mind the expense.

Did you read, uh, Mitchell's column this morning?

Oh yes, yes I did. I'm sorry that you were humiliated through me.

Oh, forget it. Besides, I really don't feel a bit humiliated.

A terribly funny thing happened. -Uh-huh?

(LAUGHING) It's too absurd, but Dad read it.

Dad... -Others will consume you.

He thinks it's true, he thinks we're engaged! -He's...

(STAMMERING) I'll sue Mitchell for that.

Oh, those things don't bother me. They roll off my back.

Oh, by the way, uh, how is your father?

Well, he's very disturbed, that's really why I came.

Please don't mention it to him, will you Monty?

Oh no, of course not. Anything I can do?

Now that you volunteered, there is.

He's coming to see you. Something about his old friends deserting him

And wanting to take their money out of his bank.

Oh! -We consider you a friend and naturally...

Oh, say no more about it, Barbara.

I shall certainly leave my money in his hands.

I don't think I could do any better.

Oh, Monty. You're a terrific character.

Oh, forget it, Barbara, forget it.

Will you call me later about our plans,

Or would you rather make a date now?

Uh, I'll call you later.

I'll keep all my time open. We'll have fun, Monty.

Oh, you're a darling. -Yes, so are you...

Your dictograph key is open, did you want something? -Oh!

Oh yes... Well that is, no. I mean uh...

Oh, business before pleasure, Monty. -Yes, business...

Excuse me. -Don't forget you're going to call me.

Yes, I'll call. -And I'll see you later.

That's right. -Toodle doo.

And, uh, tell your father not to worry.

Oh! Wonderful people, those Drew's. Wonderful...

What's the matter dear? Is something wrong?

Not with me, but your lips are bleeding.

Oh, oh.

(NERVOUSLY LAUGHING) Oh!

Well, uh, what are you staring at me like that for?

What is this, between you and Barbara Drew?

Oh, her father's bank's in trouble, that's all it is.

And she's trying to vamp you into covering it for him.

She doesn't mean a thing to me.

She's just grateful because I agreed to leave my money in her father's bank.

My relationship with her is strictly business.

Business? Do you call letting her squander your money

On a lot of social parasites business?

Do you call spending $325.000 in one week business?

No. That's too good a name for it.

It's hard labor. 30 days of hard labor, or 60, I don't know.

Well you better start to think.

Think? Think?

Thinking has become my specialty.

I think for 18 hours a day.

Oh, it's all very well for the ordinary businessman to think.

He thinks of something to do, does it, and that's the end of it.

But I have to think what other people think.

And then I have to think what they think I think.

And then I think what they think I think I think!

I think you'd better see a psychiatrist.

A psychiatrist?

Peggy! Peggy, don't go off mad!

Psychiatrist!

Those fellows are pretty expensive. Maybe I'd better get one.

Here you are, Ms. Peggy, your daily dozens.

I'd have been here sooner but I got a new motorcycle and it's breaking me in.

I got to take it slow for the first 500 miles.

Thank you, Jackson. -All right, Ms. Peggy.

Right this way, Colonel.

There you are.

Well, Colonel. -Hello, Monty.

Nice to see you, sir. -Uh, thank you.

You seem to be a little shaky.

Won't you have a start, for your nerves?

Why uh... -Brandy perhaps?

Yes.

My boy, I had to see you. Thank you personally.

My cashier told me you refused to withdraw your balance in spite of the ugly rumors.

Well, Colonel, in the army, we learn to disregard rumors.

You know, I've got a lot of faith in you and your bank.

Monty! Lumber and fuel is going up.

102, 102 and a half. It's up two and a half points.

102 and a half? What's going on down there? -You've got 25 grand back!

Get me Allison on the telephone.

Good. We'll buy 5.000 more.

I want to talk to J. B. himself. -Brewster, Brewster, listen.

I must see this thing through, it'll kill me to have my bank close.

Well, you think your bank might close?

Busy. Allison and Company are busy.

Well, I don't care if they're busy or not. Get them anyhow.

-(PHONE RINGING) -Excuse me, Colonel, a little business.

Excuse me. Hello, Allison and Company? Who?

Yes, he's here. Just a minute. Colonel, it's for you.

Oh, no, for me? -Yes.

Hello?

Hello? What's that? Who?

What?

Where's lumber and fuel now?

A hundred and five!

It's up five points. 50.000!

$50.000. Tell that girl I'll give her a $1.000 to get me Allison and Company!

Why can't you get Allison and Company?

Well, keep trying!

Oh, good heavens.

What's the matter, Colonel? -I'm afraid to say it, Monty.

Ashton's drawing out $250.000.

Well, let him draw it out, who cares?

Exactly what I'm going to deposit.

What? -Oh, no. No, Monty, I can't let you do that.

This withdrawal of Ashton's might mean the end of my bank!

Well, I insist, sir, and there's your check for 250.000.

Oh, well, thank you. Thank you, my boy.

Colonel Drew, if you let Monty deposit that money in your bank

On the point of closing, it's stealing!

Nopper, you mind your own business!

But Monty, his bank's tottering!

I don't think it's tottering. It's only tittering.

I only hope nothing happens to interfere with Barbara's happiness.

Oh well, that thing in the paper, Colonel, was...

(INTERCOM BUZZING)

Yes?

MAN: Lumber and fuel is up to 108 and a half. -108 and a half?

Isn't anybody going to get me Allison and Company?

Monty, did you see what lumber and fuel is doing?

108 and a half. Boy, oh boy!

You sure hit that one on the nose!

I'll offer $5.000 to anybody in the office

Who can get me Allison and Company.

We're losing thousands on this deal.

He wants to buy more lumber and fuel.

It's 3:00, Mr. Brewster!

They're at the post in Belmont Park.

Black Magic goes in this one.

We can watch it on the television!

What are you riding'? -JACKSON: Same as Mr. Brewster, Black Magic.

ANNOUNCER: Black Magic is acting badly. And delaying the start.

What are the odds? -Forty to one on the morning line.

She ain't got a chance. -Hello, hello?

Get me the head of the telephone company.

I've got to cut in on Allison's line.

ANNOUNCER: They're all straight now, Black Magic is stayed.

It looks like a quick start, but no, Black Magic is delaying us still.

What did Monty bet? -Five grand.

ANNOUNCER: On three, here they go!

Fifty-two is going to the front.

Black Magic has switched back between horses.

Where's Black Magic? -Out to lunch.

Black Magic, get that gait off and lift your feet!

What's lumber and fuel now? -MAN: Hundred and nine and a half.

Hundred and nine and a half?

ANNOUNCER: Suzy Q is still leading...

You're running pretty, Suzy Q. Stay there, board her easy, baby!

I can't see Black Magic.

Looks like she's running the next race!

Suzy Q still is in front. Sir Rowley in second.

Black Magic still fail.

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello? Hello?

(CONTINUES RINGING)

Hello? Hello?

Hello? Hello, J. B? What struck lumber and fuel?

Yes, I know darn well it's going up.

Has it got any chance of going down?

I made what? A $100.000?

Well, sell J. B. Sell quick, will you? I can't afford it.

I said sell! Sell it!

ANNOUNCER: There goes Black Magic into contention, he's flying between horses.

Coming with great strides.

Black Magic is now picking up and racing forward...

Come on! -Let's go!

Go get him! Black Magic, here she comes!

ANNOUNCER: Black Magic is now catching the leaders and charging fast!

Come on, Black Magic!

Come on! Look at her!

Come on, Black Magic.

Suzy Q is still in front. Sir Rowley's second.

Black Magic is fourth, and flying on the outside.

Oh, not that, not that!

(ALL CLAMORING)

ANNOUNCER: One of them it is. Suzy Q and Black Magic. Suzy Q and Black Magic.

And now it's Black Magic in front.

(ALL CLAMORING)

It's Black Magic and Suzy Q, It's Black Magic and Suzy Q.

And it's Black Magic, going away!

(ALL CHEERING)

Monty! I got to hand it to you, that's a great horse. -What did you win?

I win 200! I had five bucks on the nose!

Monty wins 200 grand!

Oh, Monty! -God!

Oh, you're terrific, Monty! Why didn't you tip me off?

We're in the money, we got a lot of money...

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello? Hello!

Oh? Oh!

Hello? Oh, Colonel Drew.

Yes. Well, your deposit saved the bank, Monty.

God bless you, my boy.

Another 450.000 saved.

What a day. What a day!

What a day.

(ALL SINGING)

We're in the money, we're in the money

(PHONE RINGING)

We got a lot of money

Hello?

Yes, this is region 71043.

Yes, this is Mr. Brewster.

MAN: Mr. Brewster, this is the radio program, Bucket of Gold.

We've selected your telephone number as today's winner.

Let me congratulate you. You've just won $25.000!

Why don't you mind your own business?

What's he doing now?

He's still mumbling in his sleep! He's been doing it all night.

PEGGY: Try knocking on the door again.

If I knock anymore, the termites are going to start complaining.

I don't get it.

He makes nearly 350.000 in a day, then crawls into a shell

And knocks himself up like a sick oyster.

Hope he isn't delirious.

(MUTTERING INCOHERENTLY)

VOICE: So, just two months from now, on October 13th, exactly noon,

If you've spent a million dollars and have no assets,

You will inherit the balance of his estate.

Why don't you get wise to yourself, Brewster?

And stop trying to spend all this money.

Why, you haven't got a chance.

Who are you?

Who am I? Why, I'm the man in the moon!

Casting a shadow, over you.

What do you know about money?

What do I know about money?

I started at just a quarter,

And look at me now!

(LAUGHING)

Oh, wise guy.

Yes. And I'm much brighter than you are!

Oh, yeah?

Yes.

Everybody else is trying to make money,

And you, you chump, you're trying to spend it.

Don't you know you cannot buck the stars?

Now get outta here. Eclipse yourself.

I'll poke you right in the nose.

You can't poke me in the nose!

I'm out of this world.

(LAUGHING)

$1.025.000. Fifty three days to go.

NOPPER: Is he still talking to himself?

No, he's answering himself now.

Get me Mr. Jones. Region 74310.

JONES: Hello, Brewster.

Mr. Jones.

Mr. Jones, this is awful.

I'm going nuts. Everything I touch turns to gold.

I'm sorry, Brewster.

I'd like to help you but I can't.

Yeah, but this isn't as easy as I thought.

Why at this rate, I'll wind up a billionaire!

Listen, if your uncle Jim was brainy enough to make over eight million dollars,

You ought to be clever enough to get rid of a paltry million!

Oh, but, Mr. Jones... Mr. Jones!

Oh, Mr. Jones.

Spend a million dollars in two months.

Why didn't he try it sometime?

A week ago, I was gonna get married. I was happy.

Ha, ha, ha! Carefree, gay. Now look at me.

Completely nuts.

Don't bother, I'll announce myself.

This is a long walk on an empty stomach.

Well, Brews thought it'd be good for the price of a meal.

Morning. -Morning.

Monty, open up!

This is Mikhail. Mikhail Mikhailovich.

Isn't he in there?

Yes, but he won't answer the knocks or phones or anything.

Well, where's Smith and Harrison?

In Ms. Gray's office. -Hmm. Thank you.

Mikhail, Mikhail Mikhailovich!

No applause. We're just passing through on the way to the poor house,

After a sensational appearance in the city of brotherly love.

What happened to the show?

The Girl With The Sweater, went to the cleaners.

Philadelphia didn't exactly love her.

Uh, fellows, this is Trixie Summers.

She too, has suffered.

Boy, I could suffer with pleasure in a place like this.

You mean, the show was a turkey?

Turkey? If it kept on running,

We'd have had to pay the actors off in cranberries.

But Monty had 75.000 invested in that show.

Oh, never mind the 75.000. why'd you close the show?

We didn't close the show, we just ran out of customers.

Yeah. The last time I looked, the fellow at the box office

Was playing solitaire with the tickets.

Well, just the same, I still think you should've let me

Be the judge whether to close or not.

Why'd you buy it in the first place?

Well, if I hadn't bought the show, it wouldn't have opened,

And Mikhail'd have been out of a job.

Oh, the show was all right, it was the stars who were wrong.

Their overweight tenor, who sang the love song?

Why, he couldn't lure an old maid out of a burning building.

Right. And that Gladys Loverne, listen...

If she didn't have an Adam's apple,

She wouldn't have had no shape, at all.

Uh, what did you do in the show, Ms, uh... -Summers.

Me? They put me in the chorus.

Oh, you should've seen her standing there in the chorus,

Dressed in a sort of a, sort of a...

(GIBBERISH)

Yeah, only they didn't let me stand there long enough to make any sort of a...

(GIBBERISH)

Yes, and it's just where they made their first mistake.

You know you look like starring material to me, Ms. Summers.

Oh, you're kidding. -No, no, really.

I mean, you're a natural, Ms. Summers.

Well now, lookie.

You can call me Trixie. -Do you dance, Trixie?

Can she dance! Have you got a glass of water and a piano?

Is she gonna dance... Why, yes! Right in here.

I'll show you something you have never seen before.

She dances with a glass of water,

On top of her head, without spilling a drop.

Oh, that's quite a feat.

Yes, sir. Here we are.

That makes two people with water on the brain.

Step aside, please.

Okay, kid, let's go.

There. What did I tell you. You ever seen anything like it?

Frankly, never. -Well, what do you think about it?

Oh, I think it's sensational.

Boy, she'd be a sensation in Coney Island.

Yeah, with a tent over.

Ms. Summers, you've given me a great idea. -I thought I would.

I'm going to reopen Girl With The Sweater right here in the city.

And I'm going to make you the biggest star on Broadway.

What do you say to that, Ms. Summers?

Well, what could I say, except I'd be ever so grateful and every single night

When I went to bed, I'd say a prayer for you.

Thanks very much. All right, Ms. Summers, you're the star!

You can call me Trixie. -You can call me Monty.

You can call me any night after 9:00.

Excuse me, I have something to attend to.

Any girl that can do a dance and not spill a drop of water is a cinch for stardom.

Oh, that man is positively crammy with foresight!

Such vision, honestly. Makes me feel like he can see right through anything!

Now the trouble with the show was it was too cheap.

$75.000! Why, that's peanuts. My uncle hated a stingy man.

I'll put in another $200.000. -$200.000?

That's a lot of rubles.

Never talk about money where art is concerned!

We've got a great message for the public in Girl with a Sweater.

I'm going to make this the biggest, brightest,

Most dazzling show the world has ever seen.

I'm going to get the biggest theater in New York,

And we'll start rehearsals immediately!

Package for Trixie Summers. -She's on the stage now.

Room number one. -Okay.

Hold it, hold it!

That's the finest demonstration I have ever seen of how not to dance.

You looking for me? -You Ms. Trixie Summers?

In the flesh. -Sign here, please.

Ah, thought it was a pinch.

When we deliver a $30.000 coat,

We always get police protection.

For sure, 30.000...

$30.000 coat?

Oh, no.

What's the idea of running out on me in the middle of our number?

Oh, look Mikhail! For me! A real chinchilla coat. Isn't it wonderful?

If you put just as much enthusiasm about your acting as you do about these clothes,

We'd get someplace. -Don't worry, honey, I'm getting someplace.

Oh, thanks, Barbara, for the lift.

See you tomorrow. -Oh, Monty, I have the grandest idea.

Oh, fire away. -Father's yacht's tied up out of commission.

How about you giving a big shindig aboard

And celebrate the opening of the show?

Great! Go to it! And don't worry about the cost.

Make it the best party that I ever gave.

Leave it to me, dear. -Fine.

Evening, Mr. Brewster.

Hey, Charlie. Charlie, how many chorus girls...

I got 50, Mr. Brewster. -Well, I want 100 more!

Hundred? Then get room for another stage.

All right, then let them sit out in the audience,

But the show has gotta be bigger.

Yes, sir. -Mr. Orchestra Leader,

How many musicians have you?

Sixty, Mr. Brewster. -Well double 'em. I want 120.

I'll ask the Union.

Well, I don't care if you ask two Unions,

But this has gotta be bigger, bigger... One of the biggest!

Oh, Mr. Brewster, will you okay these sketches for the silver number?

Here's a sample of the material. -What is this supposed to be?

Imitation silver. -Well I've changed my mind. I wanna make it gold,

Real gold, and make those skirts bigger!

I've got good news, Mr. Brewster.

You'll save $5.000 on the scenery contract and there it is.

You saved me $5.000?

Monty, Monty, this coat is out of this world,

Oh look, old thing. I don't know what to say.

Well, don't say anything, Trixie, I'm sorry

But, I'll have to see you later. -Oh, Monty!

You keep them up there or I'll let you have it. Where do you keep it, huh?

Where do you keep your wallet, huh?

Where's your watch?

No watch?

It's getting so a guy can't make an honest living' no more.

Do you mind if I cut in?

Take them up. -Why, I got them up.

Oh, I'm glad to see you.

This guy is anemic. He keeps his dough in a blood bank.

- (CHUCKLING) -What do you got?

Oh, plenty actually. -Oh, yeah?

Well, let's see how much you got.

That ain't so much.

Yeah, but... -Keep 'em up!

Well, no... Really. -Now don't tell me.

I've held up the biggest guys.

Well, I'm sure you have, mister, but if you look in my inside pocket...

You mean, in here? -Yeah, that's right.

- (LAUGHS) -Hey! What is this, a gag?

Oh no, that's not a gag. -I got a good mind to let...

There you! Come here, you.

Here's your money, Mr. Brewster. Thanks a lot for helping us nail this bird.

This is Lefty Leach, he's wanted by the police all over the country.

There's a $1.000 reward coming to you for assisting in his arrest.

A reward? But I don't deserve it!

(HORN BLARING)

The biggest flop of the season opened last night at the Times Theater.

The Girl With The Sweater had plenty of wee but no woof.

There was only one thing wrong last night at the Times Theater,

They left the curtain go up.

After seeing one act of The Girl With The Sweater,

I realized the extreme shortage of woe.

That's the worst collection of notices a show ever had.

Yeah, the critics were unanimous, all right.

Did you post the notice to close the show?

Well, I'm not going to close the show. -What?

Well, of course not. You don't think I'm going to be intimidated

By a handful of critics, do you?

But you got 375 grand in The Girl With The Sweater!

Must you be so material? -There was no material in that sweater.

Thank you, Nopper. Thank you very much.

I'm glad that you see the spiritual qualities.

Why, this show's got a great message.

Two messages. Close up or shut up.

Oh, you can't discourage me.

Ever since time began, Crusaders have been scoffed at by their friends.

I'm gonna keep this show open,

If it takes the last cent I've got.

If ever a guy should be in a looney bin, it's him.

No, we wouldn't be interested in the spread in Lifelike.

We don't want publicity for the show.

That would be like photographing a dead horse.

Ah, good morning darling, did you sleep well? -No, thank you, and you?

Wonderful. Can't remember having had a better night.

Oh, that is what there was left of it.

Would you care to okay this bill for $30.000?

Oh, it's a budget. What's it for?

Chinchilla coat, for your staff.

Oh, Nopper, will you, uh, put that on the show's expense account?

That isn't wardrobe for the show, it's personal.

Well there's nothing personal about it.

We can't have Trixie traipsing down the streets looking flouzy,

We've made her into a star, she's gotta look like one.

Now Peggy, don't get the wrong idea.

This is all just part of the build-up.

Build up for what? -For the show.

Oh.

Peggy. Peggy please. Every time you come in here, you walk out on me.

You listen to me, Monty.

You're not falling for that dame, are you? -Oh, what dame?

Trixie. -Oh, don't be ridiculous, you guys know I love Peggy.

Yeah? Well you got a funny way of showing it.

Peggy's wise too.

You're headed for trouble. That Trixie's loaded with dynamite.

And sex. She throws it around, like she was spraying a garden.

I know my way around, and I'm not a kid. Or a flower bed.

I wonder. -Sure. Just a boy with solid gold models,

And a kite made of $1.000 bills.

Nopper, I'm going to keep that show open in spite of you, in spite of the critics!

Even in spite of the public.

It's too late, the show's closed,

I posted the notice this morning.

Well just get yourself over to the theater and take that notice down.

I can't. You have no theater. -I've got no...

Why, I've got a year's lease on the theater.

Oh, no, you haven't. I sold the lease.

You made a profit of 25.000 on the deal.

And you don't deserve it.

I made a profit of...

Oh, Nopper, you're a big help.

- (DOOR CLOSING) -$25.000 profit.

We gotta find some way to spend money.

I can't afford this.

Get me Ms. Barbara Drew.

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello?

Oh, Monty!

Say, your father's yacht gave me an idea last night.

I'd like to charter it for a month.

Think you could manage it?

I warn you Monty, it's an awful drain.

Yes. Just what I've been looking for.

Well I'm sure Dad'll let you have it. I'll phone you right back.

Oh, Monty, you do know how to get the best out of life.

Moonlight on the sea.

I can hardly wait.

All right, fine Barbara, thanks very much.

Nopper, see what you can do with that.

You. I thought you were a man of your word.

You told me you weren't going to close the show.

Oh, now Trixie, don't get excited. -Why?

JACKSON: Mr. Brewster! Mr. Brewster! -(CROWD CLAMORING)

All the people in that show are headed this way and they are in a bad mood.

And they ain't looking for me.

Boy, there was a riot when that notice was posted at rehearsal this morning.

Mikhail's trying to stop them now.

MIKHAIL: I tried my best!

(CROWD CLAMORING)

Quiet, quiet, please. Now, you'll all get a chance to be heard.

Just because I posted that notice,

Doesn't mean that the company's gonna disband.

(CROWD CLAMORING)

Well we're going on a tour. That's right, I've chartered a boat.

CROWD: Oh! -A boat?

Yes, Colonel Drew's yacht. Barbara's out making arrangements for it now.

We're going to cruise up and down the Atlantic Coast and play every

Army and Navy camp, from here to Panama.

(CROWD GASPS)

Then the Caribbean, from Trinidad to Puerto Rico.

We're going to entertain the boys that have done so much for us.

And the same time you're gonna be doing yourselves some good

Because I'm going to double all your salaries.

(CROWD CLAMORING)

I'm gonna take all of you to the other hall

And the rest of you will be on salary until we get back.

Now all of those who are with me, raise your hand. -ALL: Yes!

(CROWD SINGING)

Where you going, Peggy? -Home.

What's wrong?

Don't you even remember what day this is?

Friday, the 13th. -September 13th.

We were to be married today, but of course, that's only a detail.

Well... Well the day isn't over yet.

As a matter of fact, I've been trying to get up the nerve all day to tell you,

That is to ask if you'd be alright if we got married when we came back from the cruise.

Then we could be married on October 13th, my birthday.

But I'm not going on the cruise. -You're not going?

Peggy, please string along.

Oh, I would if I thought you needed me, but you don't.

Oh, Peggy.

What's the matter, Peggy? -I'm going home. -I don't blame you.

I'll give you a lift.

Get me Mr. Jones, region 74310.

JONES: Hello? -Hello, Mr. Jones? -Hello.

Mr. Jones, this is Monty Brewster speaking.

I can't go through with this thing.

I'm losing my girl, my mind, everything.

And here it is, a month and I haven't even spent half.

The will allows you two months.

Hang the will. I'm going to take

What I've got left of the million and bow out.

No, you can't bow out.

You either have to spend the million or return it,

Or what's left of it to the estate. -But Mr. Jones, I'm losing my girl.

She just gave me back my ring and walked out on me.

I've got to tell her!

You gave her a ring?

It's a good thing she gave it back.

If you marry her, that ring would have been an asset.

Anything you give your future wife is an asset.

Look, Mr. Jones.

My girl just walked out of here, with my best friend.

And when a girl walks out with a guy... -(CLICKING NOISE)

Are you listening, Mr. Jones?

JACKSON: I'll listen, boss, that's telling.

Too bad he hung up.

Waiting for Monty to call?

Not necessarily.

Then come away from that phone,

And give me a hand with dinner.

Wouldn't hurt him to call.

He's sailing at 6:00.

Perhaps he thinks you'll weaken at the last minute and be on the ship.

Me weaken?

I have some pride.

Oh, Mother, he wasn't even upset when I told him I was quitting.

He's probably overjoyed.

He doesn't want me.

After all, he has Trixie, and Barbara Drew and

Lots of far more attractive women chasing him all over town.

Don't you agree?

Well, of course I do, dear.

Pride's a wonderful thing. If you haven't got that, you haven't got anything.

I'd rather not have anything.

You're so right, dear.

But you modern girls are so much smarter than we were.

Of course, we didn't have radios and lectures and drinking and jitterbugging

So naturally, we didn't know how to handle men.

If I'd been smart, I'd have taken your attitude with your father.

Oh, there were a few wild women chasing him.

He broke dates, stood me up,

But being a dope, I married him.

It hurt my pride too.

But I got over it.

Then you came along, and healed all the wounds.

Of course, I was pretty stupid. So don't you do as I did.

You're right dear. Stay home, be independent.

It isn't so bad to be alone.

Mother, I've always listened to you and...

And I've always taken your advice, but,

Well, this is one time, I've got to follow my own judgment.

I'm going on that trip.

*

(WHISTLING)

Oh, I'm dying for a breath of breeze, let's go for the buffet.

But, Barbara... -I've gotta be alone with you for an hour, come on.

Yeah, but...

What do you say we go down and get a cocktail, huh?

(LAUGHING) You're the only cocktail I need here,

Let's sit down here for a while.

Yeah, well, I think... -Oh, it's so wonderful up here.

I just love it.

Ah, so this is your little hideout.

Come on now, Barbara, you've had him long enough. Mind if I cut in?

You promised to show me the engine, remember?

Honestly, I haven't the vaguest idea

What the downstairs part of the yacht looks like.

Well, it's a little late today, Trixie.

Tomorrow, maybe. -Oh, but Monty...

Monty, there's a mouse in the wardrobe of my cabin.

You'll get him out for me, won't you?

I'll be glad to get him out for you, Trixie.

I'll pick him up with the tail.

I'm not at all afraid of mice. -(CLEARING THROAT)

Do you, uh, play with them before you kill them? -(BELL RINGING)

Well, there's the dressing gong,

Shall we retract our claws till after dinner? -No, I...

See you later, Monty. -Yes, yes, yes. See you girls later.

Monty, I... -Oh, come on, I'll help you dress.

(EXHALES SHARPLY) Phew!

Oh! Oh, Peggy. Peggy, gosh it's good to see you.

I've been trying to get a moment alone with you for days,

But you've avoided me like the plague. -Monty...

Why did you give Trixie that ring? -Oh!

Well, I didn't give it to her, I...

Oh, I suppose you didn't give her a contract to star.

I suppose you didn't give her a chinchilla coat or the cruise on this yacht.

Yes, of course I did, but I had to give her those things.

You've no idea how important she's been to me, to us.

Oh, I wish I could explain.

You must explain to me, Monty.

I've tried to be patient.

I even came on this cruise hoping that we could patch things up but...

But I saw her wearing the ring that you bought me...

Oh, but Peggy, I couldn't give that back to you dear, you see,

If I had given it back to you, it would have become a...

I couldn't, that's all.

Monty, either you tell me exactly what's making you behave so strangely,

Or I'm going home from the very next port we touch.

Okay, you don't know what you're asking. I wanted to tell you.

I've wanted to tell you for a long time, but...

Well you just have to wait a little longer.

Then you won't explain? -I can't.

Very well. If you'll ask the Captain to put in at Miami,

I'll take a train home from there.

Oh, Peggy, now please, wait a minute.

I can do... -Good evening, Mr. Brewster.

Oh, hello, Captain... Oh, Captain,

Captain, I want you to go straight through the Caribbean.

I don't want you to stop until you hit Trinidad. Can you make it?

Why, yes, Mr. Brewster.

Fortunately, we have a full supply of fuel, water and provisions.

Oh, that's swell. Fine.

She'll have to swim to Miami, now.

Hiya, fellas. Hey, what's the matter with you mugs?

Aren't you going to dress for dinner?

That depends. -Yeah? Depends on what?

On how congenial you are.

About what? -About turning back to New York.

If you say okay, we'll dress for dinner.

And if you don't say it's okay,

We don't dress for dinner.

Including you. -Oh!

Hey, what is this? A mutiny?

Call it that if you like.

We're merely putting a stop to your insane extravagance.

It's my money, isn't it? -Is it okay with you if we turn back?

No, it's not okay with me if we turn back.

We're not going to turn around. -We've already turned around.

Why you dirty, double-crossing...

Jackson, go tell the Captain I want to talk to him right away.

Yes, sir. -Monty, for the last time,

Will you give up this crazy trip?

(WHISPERING) He's crazy. We got to lock up his clothes.

Now I know how Columbus felt when they begged him not to discover a new world.

That's all, brother. Now he thinks he's Columbus!

Do you realize how much this trip is costing you?

"A", the ship, 30.000 a month.

"B", The cast, 35.000 a week!

70.000. I doubled their salary.

No, it's still 35. The War Labor Board wouldn't grant the raise.

Even the government is against me.

Hey, Jackson, where are you going with my clothes?

(STAMMERING) Er, these need a little pressing, boss.

Hey! Bring them... -Oh, no, you don't.

Wait a minute, you fellows, what are you trying to do? Ruin me?

No, we're just going to put you to bed.

And if you don't take it easy,

We're going to put you to sleep.

But I've got to get to the Caribbean.

HACKY: What do you wanna go to that joint for?

I've promised a show to the Army and Navy.

We've already played for the Navy at Charleston and the Army at Savannah.

And the boys didn't go for it.

Look. You fellows don't seem to understand.

I'm way behind. I've gotta lot of catching up to do.

I need investments!

I can't just leave my money in a bank to draw interest!

And what can you invest in, in the Caribbean?

Well, I... I got a terrific idea.

Everybody knows it is tropical there, right? -Mm-hmm...

Everybody knows that where it's tropical,

There must be millions of flies, right? -Yeah.

Well, I could hire a native laborer to build me a factory.

Then I could hire a native laborer to work in the factory.

Then I could organize native labor unions to strike for higher wages,

And then train native salesmen to sell them for me.

BOTH: Sell what?

Fly swatters. -Fly swatters?

Why, certainly. I can corner the market, flood the country.

For $500.000. I can have the greatest turnover you've ever seen.

Turnover in flies?

If you had lived in the time of Edison,

You would have scoffed at his invention of the electric light.

I still think they ain't practical.

What, uh, electric lights?

No, fly swatters.

Fly swatters aren't practical?

Have you ever seen a fellow take two fly swatters,

One in each hand, get the flies in the air and then...

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Hey, open up, buddy! -Open up!

(THUDDING)

Now, you fellows stay in there and cool off, a little while.

I got a little turning around business to take care of with the Captain.

Oh, pants, boy, just what I'm looking for. Thanks, Stuart, very much.

But they belong to Mr. Mikhailovich.

Well, he can wear mine.

Don't pay any attention to that, they're fixing a leak in the boat.

Oh, Mr. Brewster, we were just on our way to call on you.

Oh, that's fine Eddie, but I've got a...

This is very important, Mr. Brewster.

The entire personnel of the company held a meeting

And reached a conclusion.

Oh, a conclusion? Well that's fine.

I'm glad to hear it... -You've set an example for us.

Which we resolve to follow.

You've arranged and financed this junket for the purpose

Of entertaining the men and women in our armed forces. -Yeah.

And we have resolved therefore, to accept no salary for our services

during this voyage. -No salary?

Oh! Oh! But you can't do that. I won't allow it.

But we've all signed the proclamation. Every one of us,

Including Ms. Summers and Mr. Mikhailovich.

Oh, I know, but you can't do this to me. I won't let you, I'll sue you.

I'll seek equity! - (CRASHING)

Alex, Alex! Investigate and report all damage.

ALEX: Aye, aye, sir.

Water control's gone, sir. -Try the after steering wheel.

Aye, aye, sir. -Order, sir?

Man all the emergency stations.

Get the passengers into life boats as calmly as possible.

Aye, aye, sir. - (WHISTLE BLOWING)

What is it, Alex?

All seems fine. No leaks anywhere.

Good. Get your crew to make a run. -Aye, aye, sir.

Everybody put on your life jackets

And move quietly to your station on the boat deck.

Now don't be worried. There's nothing to worry about.

What is it, Captain? What happened?

Probably a floating mine. The Navy warned me about them.

How much damage? - (MUTTERS)

That's what you get for turning around without my orders.

Any danger? -No, everything's safe, Mr. Brewster.

It'll take us a few days to make the port. That's all.

A few days? But I can't afford a few days, umm...

How about getting a tow?

As long as the sea is calm, a tow won't be necessary.

Mr. Radio Man, is there a ship around here

That can give us a tow or something?

I gotta get back to Trinidad, I've got a fly factory swatter.

A swy... A fly...

Sorry sir, did you say something? -Yeah, I... Oh!

Uh, is there a vessel around here?

Even a ship would do. Something...

There's a Brazilian freighter to the starboard, sir.

I've been practicing my Portuguese with it.

Well fine, you practice your Portuguese on her.

See if she'll give us a tow, will ya? That's a good boy.

You mustn't do that, Mr. Brewster. -Why not?

It may cost you a fortune for salvage.

Well, why do I care what it costs me? Who's "salvage?"

What is he sticking his nose in...

Salvage? What's this about salvage?

Why, it's the maritime law.

They can charge you half the value of this ship in cargo for towing you in.

They can charge me half the value of this ship in cargo?

Why, certainly. -What do you think this yacht cost?

Why, I don't know what it cost but it must be worth a million dollars.

A million? This yacht's worth a million dollars? Oh, Captain, Captain!

Oh. You're sure you're right?

You're not mistaken telling me it's worth a million dollars?

They wanna know what the cargo is, sir. -The cargo of...

Tell him we're full of hands, yeah?

(NERVOUSLY LAUGHING)

You're sure you're right? You're not mistaken about this?

Why, of course, I'm right, it's the maritime law!

Maritime law, yeah.

Sorry sir, but they won't consider towing at 350.000 dollars.

Well, tell 'em 400.000 and it's a deal.

400.000? -Yeah, well don't quibble with them.

Never argue about money. Make it 450.000.

$450.000. Well, I made it!

I made it!

Captain, I made it! I didn't think I would, but I did.

I made it, I made it, you hear me?

$450.000 for towing the yacht,

375.000 on the show, $120.000 a month to the office force.

That's 800, 900... $45.000.

I've made it, Captain. You know a fellow by the name of Jones?

No, you wouldn't know him. That's right, of course

You ever had an uncle who's an anthropologist?

Oh, no, no, you couldn't have had an uncle,

You've been in sea all your life. Well, I was at sea too, yes

For a whole month I was at sea. Didn't know what I was doing.

But now I got my feet on the land.

I don't care what you see out that window I'm on land, yes. I made it.

Oh, wait a minute, Captain. Captain, you're entitled to a bonus!

Certainly, a bonus for hitting that mine!

That's right, you get $24.768.62, That's right.

Sailing, sailing, over the...

If Mr. Jones asks for me, tell him I went that way.

Hey Monty. -Oh, Nopper. I made it! Yes, I made it!

You made what? -Oh!

-(STAMMERING) Oh, I raised for a tow. -For $450.000.

Yes. -$450.000?

I should have sludged you. -Do you realize what you've done?

Yes, I know what I've done. They said I couldn't do it, but I did!

You've blown almost a million,

But the time you get through paying for this tow,

You'll only have about 47.000 in the bank. -Why, certainly...

I'll only have 47.000? -Yeah.

Oh, Captain, your bonus has changed, you get 47.000.

Well I can't accept a bonus, it's against the law!

You can't accept any money at all?

Oh, well, contact that freighter, get a hold of him right away,

I gotta lot of business to do in New York.

Mr. Radio Man!

That poor dope.

Hello, Mom. -Good morning, Jackson.

Morning, Mrs. Gray!

I... I'm sorry Monty, Peggy just went out to do a little shopping.

Er, I guess it's just as well.

I suppose she told you about us.

Yes. Oh, by the way, today's your birthday. Congratulations.

Oh, thanks, Mom.

I couldn't have picked a better day for it.

We've been busier than a whole union of one-armed paper hangers.

Oh, what's this? A paper drive?

No, no, those are receipts.

Beautiful, wonderful receipts.

Receipts for a million dollars. Gone.

Where's your luggage? -I'm standing right in the middle of my entire wardrobe.

Mom, I've got to meet a man by the name of Jones here at 12:00.

A little, uh, business deal I have with him finishes at noon.

And then I think I can square myself with Peggy and the entire world.

I'll make you a cup of coffee. -(WHISTLING)

Ten minutes to twelve. Ten minutes more.

Hey, Jackson. -JACKSON: Yes, sir?

Come here a minute.

You've always admired these diamond cuff buttons.

I've always said these were the most hawkable cuff buttons I've ever had my hands on.

I want you to have these gold-mounted garters too.

Say, boss, you do about the most expensive strip tease I've ever seen!

Just call me butch.

There you are. And don't hawk 'em.

Uh, this may seem a little personal,

But, I couldn't help but knowing today that you were broke.

Jackson, broke, absolutely clean. Haven't got a sue.

I've always had a lot of faith in you, Mr. Brewster...

Aw, thanks Jackson, thanks.

And I backed it up. -Uh-huh?

You know I bet on your horse,

And I parlayed everything you bet on and bought

And right now I've got 6.000 in cold cash in the bank.

Well that's fine, Jackson, fine.

And I want you to have it. -Oh, no. Oh, no, Jackson.

Oh, yes. -Oh, no, you don't. Not at a time like this.

Mr. Brewster, please, look, after being around you, I sort of caught your habits.

Why, I'd just kiss this money off in a month!

Jackson, don't. Keep it.

Don't spend it. Put it away. Just forget it.

Well, it's against my new principles but... Okay boss.

PEGGY: Ouch!

I didn't think we were speaking.

Just because we're not speaking,

There's no reason why I shouldn't wish you a happy birthday.

Peggy.

Peggy, if you'll give me about six minutes I'll be...

- (DOORBELL RINGING) -Jones!

I'll get it, Jackson. -Yes, sir.

I got that lawyer in a hack. Sign this.

It's the order to pay your salvage money.

It's a good thing I'm in the habit of obeying orders

Or I wouldn't do this.

There. Your copy.

The last one. - (DOORBELL RINGING)

Hello, Hacky, Monty in here? -Yeah, he's right in there.

Happy birthday, Monty. -Happy birthday, Monty.

Oh, thanks, thanks. -We've just come from seeing dad.

Colonel Drew says he'll give you a job in the bank if you want it.

Oh, not that, not that. Anything but that.

I'm going to stay away from money for a while.

Every time I look at a green back, I see red.

GRANT: I beg your pardon, is Mr. Brewster here?

My name is Grant. I have an appointment with him.

Yeah, he's, uh, right there in the living room. Let me take your hat.

Thanks.

Well, hello, Brewster. -Oh, Mr. Grant.

Sorry, I'm late. Isn't Jones here yet?

No, no he isn't. Not yet. But he still has four minutes.

Hope nothing's happened to him. -I bet you do.

Oh, I'm sorry. Ms. Drew, Mr. Harrison, Mr. Smith...

I don't believe we've met. -How do you do?

I wish I could add Mr. Jones.

Are your books ready for inspection? -There they are.

Books, papers, receipts, all faithfully and honorably kept.

I haven't got a cent in the world.

Only the clothes I'm standing in.

Go ahead, take a look at them.

(WHISTLING)

Would you mind telling me what this is all about?

You don't know? -No, I don't know.

Well you will in a few minutes.

Come on, Jones.

Hey Monty, we've got a surprise for you. -Yeah?

Nopper had an auction on the office furniture.

And I sold the taxi cab fleet for 7.000 bucks.

Here's your dough and the statement.

-$7.000... Taxi? -Monty, here's 11.000 cash from the auction sale.

Let me... -I think you'll find everything in order.

That's $18.000. Oh, you fellows don't know what you've done to me.

That's three minutes. I've gotta spend $6.000 a minute. $6.000.

Monty, Monty, Mikhail made me sell the chinchilla coat and the diamond ring

And well, here's the money. There.

Oh, no! Oh, no, take it, it's yours. -No, sir.

I beg your pardon. I cannot allow my wife

To accept money from strange men. -Your wife?

Yes, since this morning. At last I got first billing. Mr. and Mrs.

39.700. 800, nine...

$40.000.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

You're loaded with dough and you're weeping.

What kind of a guy are you anyway?

How do you do? Mr. Jones to see Mr. Brewster. -Yes, sir, right in there.

- (CLOCK CHIMING) -Ah, Grant!

Right on the stroke of 12:00. Nothing like being on time.

Uh, Ms. Drew, Mr. Jones. -BOTH: How do you do?

Well then, everything in order?

I'm afraid there's the small item of $40.000 still left.

40.000?

Oh, that's too bad. I'm sorry, son.

But as executive of the estate,

I can't possibly turn that money over to you... -Executive?

Wait a minute. Executive of the estate! Aren't you entitled to a fee?

Yes, but of course I'll wait. -Oh, no you won't. How much is it?

One half of one percent of the entire estate.

One half of one percent of eight million dollars is... -$40.000.

$40.000! Give me that money.

There you go. -Hey, wait a minute, I just counted that.

That. There's $12 too much.

If you're gonna be an idiot, at least be an idiot with $12.

Nopper, you and your education.

$12. -No, no, no.

You've gotta... Somebody... Nopper.

Nopper, you let me have some dough before.

Oh, sure, forget it, Monty. -No, I won't forget it.

I'm not going to take money from you now.

Nopper, you're gonna take this dough from me

Or I'll shove it down your throat.

Oh, wait a minute, that was only $10. Here's your change.

(STAMMERING) Huh...

Hacky, Hacky, that little pub in London.

Yeah? -The cute little barmaid.

Yeah. -The last night before we sailed.

Yeah. -You bought the drinks.

No, no.

Oh, Hacky, Hacky, Hacky... Oh, Mikhail!

I didn't buy... -I didn't...

Mikhail, Mikhail, don't I owe you something? -Well, no...

Oh, well come to think of it...

Oh, no! I don't have that much time.

Don't I owe anybody, anything?

The meter tells me you owe me a buck and a half.

And 50 minutes is my waiting limit.

Sold to the man in the yellow hat. Oh, you're my boy.

Mr. Jones, there that's all, sir.

Congratulations! The seven million is yours.

Seven million dollars! -Now, wait a minute...

What has this double talk been for two months? -Will you sign this?

First we think you're crazy, and these fellows come along and act even crazier.

Why's he so sad when somebody gives him money?

Somebody please tell us something before we go batty.

You want to know what it's all about?

Jones, you tell him. You know about it as much as I do.

Peggy, we have to... -Come on, now tell us.

You know what date today is? We got a date at the marriage bureau.

Ah, are you the lady of the house?

Can I interest you in this little kitchen article for 69 cents?

And with it we give... -69 cents? For that piece of junk?

Well, you've got a lot of nerve charging 69 cents.

For that you can get it at any hardware store in town for 67 cents.

And that makes you charging two cents over the ceiling price.

I ought to report you to the OPA.

That's the trouble with people these days. No regard for money.

And guys like you around to make chumps out of them.

Do you think money grows on trees or something?

Don't you realize what two cents means?