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Why�do�I�have�to�be�here?
I'm�not�the�one trying�to�get�pregnant.
Shut�up,�Paul.
We're�here�to�check your�fertility.
Doctors�are�just�perverts.
They're�always�asking�me to�take�off�my�shirt.
How�about�you�take your�shirt�off,�guy?
Sorry�for�the�delay.
Fuck�you,�man! I'm�not�taking�off�my�shirt.
That's�okay.
We�have�your�sperm�test results�back,
and�your�count is�at�one�million.
Hell,�yeah.�I'm�going�platinum!
(cackling)
For�sperm, that's�actually�a�low�number.
There's�no�easy�way�to�put this...
but�you're�sterile.
How�is�that�a�bad�thing?
You're�constantly�telling�me to�wash�my�hands.
No,�dummy. He�means�you're�shooting�blanks.
I'm�sorry.
Damn.
You're�actually�due�for a�medical�checkup.
So,�if�I�can�get�you to�take�off�your�shirt...
Okay.�(chuckling)�Cool. Cool,�cool,�cool.
?�'Cause�I�can�love�you,�baby�?
?�All�night�long�?
Roger:�Not�sure�what's�going�on out�there,�chief�and�council.
Deedee�would�have�never�let that�happen.
Mn'ehh.
Roger:�But�in�the�meantime, here's�Guy�Ayii�and�the�VLTs
with�their�smash�hit, "Max�Bettin'�on�My�Heart."
(knocking�on�door)
'Morning,�Chief.
You're�not�going�to like�what�I'm�about�to�tell�you.
Spit�it�out,�Lips.
Willie�made�good�on�his�threat to�go�on�strike.
That�greasy�little�bastard!
Garbage�is�piling�up�faster than�gossip�on�a�bingo�night.
He�did�it. He�really�fok'n�did�it.
Says�here�he's�not�budging
until�he�gets�a�new�truck and�an�apology.
Jo,�what�you�going�to�do?
I'll�tell�you�what�I�don't�do.
(paper�crinkling)
I�don't�negotiate with�sanitationists.
(paper�crinkling)
I'll�collect�the�garbage�myself.
Sometimes�a�chief has�to�roll�up�their�sleeves
and�get�their�hands�dirty.
But�Jo, you're�not�wearing�sleeves.
-�(crow�cawing) -�(dog�barking)
Sterile?�Me? It�doesn't�make�any�sense.
Yeah,�it�does.
You're�the�only�one�left who�still�wears�tighty-whities.
Which�is�crazy.
I�can�get�a�year's�worth for�less�than�$10.
I'm�basically�making�money at�this�point.
I�mean,�even�that�pale, sickly�guy�at�the�pawnshop
warned�you�about�keeping that�thing�on�your�lap.
(low�thrumming)
It�keeps�me�warm in�the�wintertime.
And�what�about�the�x-ray�machine you�found?
Paul:�What�about�it?
This�thing�helps�me�see�what's on�the�inside.
You�know�why�you're�sterile? Because�you're�stubborn.
Rose,�I'm�going�to�need some�time�alone�with�my�boys.
Hey,�guys.�It's�me.
Now,�you're�going�to�hear some�rumours�around�town
about�how�you�guys are�a�bunch�of�losers.
-�How�you�guys�are�washed-up. -�(inspirational�music�plays)
How�you�guys�are�no�damn�good.
But�are�we�just�going�to go�quietly�into�the�night,
or�are�we�going�to�rise�up and�fight?
Are�we�going�to�pack�it�all�in?
We're�getting�a�sperm�donor.
Fok�sakes.
Ah,�Chief�Jo.�Come�to�negotiate?
Not�at�all,�trash�boy. Get�out�of�my�way.
Oh,�I�see�how�it�is.
Using�your�own�truck to�pick�up�trash.
Must�be�easier�to�see when�you�don't�got�flies
having�an�orgy�on�your�face.
Willie:�Ah�kijeet.
Oh,�oh,�oh.
Oh,�it's�so�hard.�Ugh.�Oh.
You�think�this�is�funny?
Crossing�the�picket�line... is�no�joke.
She�takes�the�ball into�the�paint.
Four�seconds�left�on�the�clock.
Don't�make�me�do�it.
Pump-fakes. Pivots.�Fades�away!
-�Oh! -�(moaning)
How's�your�ankle?
Where's�the�whistle? That�was�travelling.
-�As�if. -�Okay.
I�didn't�want�to have�to�do�this,
but�you�brought�it�on yourself,�Jo.
Brother�crows!�I�summon�you.
Attack!
I�said�attack.
Mn'ehh.
Caw!
Ribbit?
Do�you�have�any�bologna?
Uh,�yes,�we�do. In�the�back�refrigerator.
Man,�you're�slipping.
Dude�asks�for�bologna, and�you're�supposed�to�say...
..."Yeah,�man."
Speaking�of�stiff,
this�place�needs to�lighten�up,�man.
It's�too�much�like...�you.
Well,�if�by�that you�mean�barely�hanging�on,
you're�right.
Yeah.�The�store�is�too�store-y.
People�come�in�here,�they buy�shit,�and�then�they�leave.
What's�up�with�that?
Well,�uh,�that�is how�a�store�works,�Dean.
But�picture�this,�man.
People�come�in�here and�shoot�the�shit.
Nobody�here is�shooting�the�shit.
We�need�more�shit-shooting.
Okay. With�all�due�respect,�Dean,
we�can't�sell�shit-shooting, okay?
I�think�you're�on the�wrong�page,�bro.
You're�talking�money-making and�I'm�talking�shit-shooting.
Okay,�then.
Have�you�seen�the�latest revenge�karate�movie,
The�Killer�Backers?
-�Yeah. -�All�right.
This�is�the�life�you�chose, Greg.
Oh,�hey,�Paul.�This�is�Theland.
-�(Wolf�howls) -�Whispering�voice:�Aki.
Yes.�Theland. Spelled�"The�land."
-�(Wolf�howls) -�Whispering�voice:�Aki.
Isn't�he�great?
And�guess�what.�Theland has�just�agreed�to�be�our�donor.
Hmm.�Don't�you�think this�is�something
we�both�should've�talked�about?
You�know�how�much�communication means�to�me.
Says�the�guy�who�started a�speakeasy.
You�got�to�stop�living in�the�past.
I'm�past�the�past.
This�guy�has all�the�DNA�we�need.
He's...�okay.
Okay?
He�just�finished�making a�spice�rack
while�we�were�arguing.
(chuckling)
Too�bad�we�don't�have any�spices.
Stop�it.�He's�perfect.
All�I'm�saying�is,�you�can't pick�the�first�guy�you�see.
It's�like�picking�up�the first�melon�at�the�fruit�stand.
We�don't�even�know if�this�guy's�ripe.
As�if�you�buy�fruit.
All�I'm�saying is�we�only�have�one�melon.
I�think�I�deserve�to�go�and�find my�own�melon.
We�have�a�perfectly�ripe�melon, so�full�of�juice.
Humph.�Says�you.
Well,�good�luck�finding�a�melon in�a�rez�full�of�potatoes.
Sometimes, those�potatoes�turn�into�chips
and�beautiful�French�fries.
Melons?�Hmm.�They�just�go�mouldy and�taste�sour.
Open�the�damn�gate,�Willie.
Sorry,�Jo. The�crows�have�spoken.
(cawing)
Oh,�fok�off.
Where�am�I�supposed�to put�the�garbage,�then?
You're�a�waste-keeper�now. Figure�it�out.
(laughing)
Come�on,�guys.�Let's�go�get some�of�that�soup,�eh?
Oh,�hey.�You�know�what?
Oh,�literally, yous�don't�say?
That's�a�good�one,�Joey... (Willie�muttering�indistinctly)
(mockingly)�You're�a waste-keeper�now.�Figure�it�out.
Fok'n�Willie.
: Nah,�man.
The�toughest�white�guy to�play�a�Native�is�Billy�Jack.
Don't�come�at�me�with�this Johnny�Depp,�Lone�Ranger�shit.
Uh,�Dean,�can�we�talk?
What's�up,�man?
So,�I�don't�know�if�you�noticed,
but�the�hang-out�spot has�become�the�hang-out�store.
Yeah.�What's�the�problem,�man?
The�place�is�packed. That's�how�you�business.
Well,�the�problem�is�that none�of�these�people
are�buying�anything.
Oh,�man.�I'm�in�the�middle of�shit-shooting,
and�you're�coming�at�me with�all�this�Greg�talk.
I�think�we�might�even�be over�capacity.
Ah,�don't�worry�about�it,�man. The�fire�marshal's�here,
he�would�have said�something�by�now.
(chattering)
Hang�on,�man.�Oh,�right,�right.
There's�no�way�six�gorillas can�take�on�25�chimps.
Based�on�what?
That�was the�Local�244�Beading�Union.
Did�you�buy�a�pair of�beaded�earrings�from�Russia?
Fucking�Willie leaked�that�receipt.
That�stinky�little�bastard!
Jo,�this�is�big.
They�were�$5.
(phone�ringing)
Hello?
I'll�look�right�into�that.
Jo,�did�you�just�dump a�bunch�of�garbage�bags
right�out�in�the�open?
I�got�a�community�member on�the�phone�that�says�you�did.
I�left�the�trash outside�the�dump
because�Willie�locked�the�gates.
Well,�a�bunch�of�rez�dogs tore�into�it,
and�now, there's�garbage�everywhere.
Jo,�this�is�big.
Jo: Ah,�for�fok's�sake.
(phone�ringing)
Hello.
Are�you�serious?
Well,�that's�not�good.
Wrong�number.
Jo,�that's�big.
What�about�those�guys? Do�they�look�like�dad�material?
Paul: No�way,�man.
My�baby�has�to�have the�coolest�DNA.
It's�got�to�reek�of�coolness.
Got�it.�Reeks�of�coolness.
-�Those�guys�look�really�cool. -�No�way,�man.
That�guy�looks�like�he�reads.
Nobody�likes�a�know-it-all.
No�know-it-alls.�Got�it.
And�this�guy?�Way�too�tall.
It's�too�risky.�I�don't�want my�kid�to�beat�me�up
by�the�time he's�eight�years�old.
Tall�equals�bad.
Fuck,�Stephen�Harper.
Where�are�we�going�to find�a�cool�guy
that�doesn't�give�a�fuck, and�says
cool�things,�like,
"Whatever,�man" or�"That's�bunk"?
It'll�take�years�before�we�find someone�like�that.
Dean: Hey,�man.
You�can't�be�smoking�candied cigarettes�in�here,�bro.
(cackling)
Whatever,�old�man.�That's�bunk.
Both: Fucking�cool,�man!
-�(birds�chirping) -�(sighing)
(phone�ringing)
(dog�barking�in�the�distance)
(splashing)
Hey,�Chief. You�and�me.�Let's�talk.
Rose,�are�you�ready�to�meet my�melon?
Say�hello to�Lyle�the�cool�guy.�Ha.
Cool,�right?
I�guess. I�mean,�he's�no�Theland.
What�the�fok is�he�still�doing�here?
He's�making�us�lacrosse�sticks.
Yeah. I�even�made�one�for�the�baby.
Well,�Lyle's�got�some�cool�shit, too.�Right,�Lyle?�Show�them.
I�have.
What�the�fuck?
You�can't�give�nunchucks to�a�baby,�man!
Whatever,�old�man.�That's�bunk.
Paul: Come�on.�Get�up.
Go�make�a�spice�rack or�something.
Whoa.�I�just�cleaned�here.
Come�on.�Whatever,�man. Hey.�Oh.
You�guys�got�any�movies or�anything?
You�ever�seen�The�Crow?
No,�man. We�don't�have�The�Crow.
What?
What�the�hell�is�wrong,�man?
You�haven't�seen�The�Crow?
Would�you�shut�up about�The�Crow�already?
Fucking�bunk.
Hey.�Come�on,�babe.
I�mean,�It's�pretty�obvious who�the�donor�is�here.
I�don't�think it's�obvious�at�all.
But�it's�been�out�for,�like, 30�years.
I�have�the�perfect�guy. Why�are�you�fighting�me�on�this?
No,�babe. I�have�the�perfect�guy.
It's�literally�out on�every�format!
Blu-ray,�DVD,�Laserdisc.
Hmm.
Fine.�We'll�settle�this with�a�competition.
-�Winner�is�the�donor. -�You're�on!
Oh,�oh.
Tell�me�you've�at�least�heard the�soundtrack.
Aw!�Come�on!
(shouting)
(birds�chirping)
What�are�we�even�doing�here, Deedee?
I�knew�you'd�be�out�here all�sad-arse,
wishing�you�never�became�chief.
How'd�you�know�that?
-�Same�thing�happened�to�me. -�Really?
Nah.�I'm�just�trying�to make�you�feel�better.
Listen,�Jo.
I�want�to�give�you some�chief�advice.
From�former�chief�to�chief.
When�times�get�tough, play�the�guitar?
Not�quite,�but�that�did�work�out pretty�well�for�me.
No.�You�need�to�give in�to�the�power�of...
maanoo.
Maanoo?
Yeah.
It�means�"let�it�be,"�but really,�it's�a�frame�of�mind.
Sometimes,�the�victory does�not�lie�in�the�outcome,
but�in�the�acceptance of�what�is.
So,�how�do�I�"maanoo"�myself
out�of�a�garbage�strike?
That's�easy. Did�you�eat�Willie's�soup?
His�what?
When�you�visited�the�dump, he�offered�you�some�soup,�right?
Yeah,�but�I'm�not�going�to�eat that�witches�brew.
That's�the�problem.
This�was�never�about�a�truck.
Willie,�he�just�wants�respect.
So,�buck�up, eat�the�damn�soup,
and�maanoo.
I�know�some�of�you�are�asking yourselves�why�you're�here.
-�I�know�I�am. -�(clearing�throat)
Paul�and�I�are�going�to�decide on�our�donor�for�our�kid.
-�Really? -�Yeah.
Like�this?�Okay.
Welcome�to�the�baby�daddy�games, I�guess.
Who�will�win�the�right�to�be
Paul�and�Rose's�sperm�donor, and--
And�how�is�this supposed�to�work?
-�Just�let�me�do�it. -�Oh.
(clearing�throat)
Hi,�everyone. So,�Paul�is�sterile.
(cheering�and�applause)
Let�me�finish.�That's�not the�only�reason�why�we're�here.
(groaning)
We�couldn't�decide�on�our�donor, so�our�two�choices
are�going�to�compete against�each�other.
My�choice�is�Theland, spelled�"The�land."
-�Whispering�voice:�Aki. -�(cheering�and�applause)
Paul: Hmm.
And�my�choice�is�Lyle.
But�you�already�know�him�as the�coolest�guy�in�Grouse�Lake.
Get�out�here,�Lyle.
-�(scattered�applause) -�Yeah.
What�the�hell,�man? You�painted�your�face?
Yeah.�It�makes�me�look�cool.
Nah.�You're�scaring�everybody.
Aw,�fuck.�It's�hot,�man.
Yeah.�You're�wearing�a�trench.
Ah,�fuck.�I�need�a�chair.
Start�the�games,�Roger.
Okay.�Let's�start�the�games.
(cheering�and�applause)
I've�been�told that�the�first�event
is�the�swimsuit�competition.
(cheering�and�applause)
(cheering�and�applause continues)
Greg: Okay.�Uh,
he�would�rather�get�run�over by�a�tank
than�sliced�up�by�a�helicopter.
(laughing�nervously)
Dean, I�know�you're�shooting�the�shit,
but�we�really�need�to�talk.
I'm�just�saying,�the�store has�never�been�busier.
(whispering)�But�nobody�here is�spending�a�cent.
Well,�you're�the�corporate sellout,�buttoned-down,
corn-fed,�uptight,
button-pushing, marshmallow�motherfucker.
-�Right. -�What�do�we�do?
We�could�at�least�charge for�the�coffee.
All�right.�Fine.
Excuse�me.
Dean: "Free�coffee�with�purchase"?
There.
Nice�job,�bro.
(playing�flute)
Someone�give�this�man's�sperm an�egg�already.
(crying)
So,�what's�Lyle�going�to�do?
Oh,�he's�going�to�blow�you�away. He's�got�something�huge�planned.
Get�up�there,�Lyle!
Now,�imagine�you're�watching
the�movie�The�Crow,
but�just all�the�cool�fighting�parts.
Ah,�for�fuck--
And�imagine all�the�cool�fighting�parts
are�played�by�me.
Hit�it!
-�(industrial�music�playing) -�(grunting)
This�guy�comes�in, and�he's,�like,
"Boof-boof-boof!�Boof-boof.
"That's�what�you�get�for killing�me�and�my�hot�fianc�e.
Boof-boof-boof!�Boof.�Boof!"
(crow�cawing)
What's�that?�Is�that�a�crow?
(imitating�crow�cawing)
Oh,�my�ankle!
Oh,�fuck.
Hey.�That's�not�in�the�movie.
Come�on.�You�gotta�get�up,
or�my�baby�is�gonna�be�riddled with�that�perfect�man's�DNA.
No.�I�can't�do�it,�man. My�ankle's�fucked.
Nah.
You're�fine.�(chuckling)
-�Are�you�okay? -�Looks�like�Lyle�is�out.
Which�means�Theland�wins.
Paul:�Hold�on.�The�last�round is�the�interview�round,�right?
I�don't�know.�Is�it? I'm�just�learning�as�I�go.
Argh.�He's�right. The�best�answer�wins.
And�Lyle�doesn't�need�his�ankle to�answer�the�questions.
-�Right,�Lyle? -�(Grunting)
Roger:�Okan�iwe.
Crowd: Oh!
(gagging)
What�did�we�learn�today?
That's�easy,�man.
25�chimps�can�easily�take six�gorillas.
I�meant�the�store.
Oh,�yeah.�Right.
Well,�when�the�store made�no�money,�we�were�cool.
Right.
But�now�that�paying�customers are�back,�we're�less�cool.
Also�right.
Wait�a�second!
"Free�coffee with�purchase�of�a�free�coffee."
Dean,�that-- That�makes�no�sense.
I'll�take�a�cup�of�free�coffee.
That'll�be�$2,�please.
(crow�cawing)
And�I've�just�been�handed the�final�question.
Lyle,�since�you�suffered a�horrific�injury,
maybe�you�should�go�first before�your�Medivac�arrives.
(grunting)
Oh.�Maybe�just�answer from�your�chair.
Stop�playing�head�games,�bro. Let�him�go.
Yeah,�I'm�good.�Morphine's starting�to�kick�in�anyway.
I�didn't�give�you�any�morphine.
Lyle,�why�should�you�be the�donor?
Well,�let�me�tell�you.
(imitating�crow�cawing)
-�(thudding) -�(audience�gasping)
Is�that�an�answer?
What�the�fuck,�Lyle? Get�up,�man!
You're�kind�of�blowing�it right�now.
Lyle's�out. Looks�like�Theland�wins.
It's�not�over. "The�land"�still�has�to�answer.
All�right,�then.
Theland, why�should�you�be�the�donor?
You�know�what? I�don't�think�I�want�to�be.
You�people�are�terrible.
The�thought�of�a�child being�parented
by�either�of�you lunatics�is�frightening.
I�think�I'll�just�keep�my�DNA to�myself.
Paul:�Kee-oskway!
As�the�master�of�ceremonies, I�should�say�a�few�words.
You�don't�need�a�donor�who's cool�or�ridiculously�handsome.
You�need�someone�with�heart and�selflessness.
Someone�who�cares�for�others.
Someone�who's�kind and�considerate.
Someone�who's�undyingly�loyal, like�a�dog�or�a�cuckold.
And�I'm�just�spit-balling�here.
I�have�never�been�a�father and�frankly,
I�find�children�to�be annoying,�filthy�little�things.
A�bit�of�a�drag.
But�I�do�know�as�of�right�now,
you�have�no�such�guy.
Yes,�we�have.
He's�been�right�under�our�nose this�whole�time.
Stephen�Harper,�would�you--
-�Yes. -�(audience�members�gasping)
Ah,�for�fuck--
Rose,�Paul, you�have�your�donor.
Here�you�go,�Stephen�Harper. Get�to�work.
,�why�the�sudden�change of�heart?
Uh,�an�old�friend helped�me�see�the�light.
All�right.
Go�on�then.
Maanoo.
Hmm.�Mmm!
Wow!
That's�really�good.
Thanks.
It's�an�old�family�recipe that�I�found�in�the�trash.
Okay.�Wow.
So,�uh,�the�strike�is�off?
You�bet.
Even�better, I'm�going�to�call�off�the�crows.
Brother�crow...
...fly.
More�soup?
Un-uhn.
?
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