All language subtitles for Acting Good s03e02 Baby Daddy Games.eng

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Original subtitles

Why�do�I�have�to�be�here?

I'm�not�the�one trying�to�get�pregnant.

Shut�up,�Paul.

We're�here�to�check your�fertility.

Doctors�are�just�perverts.

They're�always�asking�me to�take�off�my�shirt.

How�about�you�take your�shirt�off,�guy?

Sorry�for�the�delay.

Fuck�you,�man! I'm�not�taking�off�my�shirt.

That's�okay.

We�have�your�sperm�test results�back,

and�your�count is�at�one�million.

Hell,�yeah.�I'm�going�platinum!

(cackling)

For�sperm, that's�actually�a�low�number.

There's�no�easy�way�to�put this...

but�you're�sterile.

How�is�that�a�bad�thing?

You're�constantly�telling�me to�wash�my�hands.

No,�dummy. He�means�you're�shooting�blanks.

I'm�sorry.

Damn.

You're�actually�due�for a�medical�checkup.

So,�if�I�can�get�you to�take�off�your�shirt...

Okay.�(chuckling)�Cool. Cool,�cool,�cool.

?�'Cause�I�can�love�you,�baby�?

?�All�night�long�?

Roger:�Not�sure�what's�going�on out�there,�chief�and�council.

Deedee�would�have�never�let that�happen.

Mn'ehh.

Roger:�But�in�the�meantime, here's�Guy�Ayii�and�the�VLTs

with�their�smash�hit, "Max�Bettin'�on�My�Heart."

(knocking�on�door)

'Morning,�Chief.

You're�not�going�to like�what�I'm�about�to�tell�you.

Spit�it�out,�Lips.

Willie�made�good�on�his�threat to�go�on�strike.

That�greasy�little�bastard!

Garbage�is�piling�up�faster than�gossip�on�a�bingo�night.

He�did�it. He�really�fok'n�did�it.

Says�here�he's�not�budging

until�he�gets�a�new�truck and�an�apology.

Jo,�what�you�going�to�do?

I'll�tell�you�what�I�don't�do.

(paper�crinkling)

I�don't�negotiate with�sanitationists.

(paper�crinkling)

I'll�collect�the�garbage�myself.

Sometimes�a�chief has�to�roll�up�their�sleeves

and�get�their�hands�dirty.

But�Jo, you're�not�wearing�sleeves.

-�(crow�cawing) -�(dog�barking)

Sterile?�Me? It�doesn't�make�any�sense.

Yeah,�it�does.

You're�the�only�one�left who�still�wears�tighty-whities.

Which�is�crazy.

I�can�get�a�year's�worth for�less�than�$10.

I'm�basically�making�money at�this�point.

I�mean,�even�that�pale, sickly�guy�at�the�pawnshop

warned�you�about�keeping that�thing�on�your�lap.

(low�thrumming)

It�keeps�me�warm in�the�wintertime.

And�what�about�the�x-ray�machine you�found?

Paul:�What�about�it?

This�thing�helps�me�see�what's on�the�inside.

You�know�why�you're�sterile? Because�you're�stubborn.

Rose,�I'm�going�to�need some�time�alone�with�my�boys.

Hey,�guys.�It's�me.

Now,�you're�going�to�hear some�rumours�around�town

about�how�you�guys are�a�bunch�of�losers.

-�How�you�guys�are�washed-up. -�(inspirational�music�plays)

How�you�guys�are�no�damn�good.

But�are�we�just�going�to go�quietly�into�the�night,

or�are�we�going�to�rise�up and�fight?

Are�we�going�to�pack�it�all�in?

We're�getting�a�sperm�donor.

Fok�sakes.

Ah,�Chief�Jo.�Come�to�negotiate?

Not�at�all,�trash�boy. Get�out�of�my�way.

Oh,�I�see�how�it�is.

Using�your�own�truck to�pick�up�trash.

Must�be�easier�to�see when�you�don't�got�flies

having�an�orgy�on�your�face.

Willie:�Ah�kijeet.

Oh,�oh,�oh.

Oh,�it's�so�hard.�Ugh.�Oh.

You�think�this�is�funny?

Crossing�the�picket�line... is�no�joke.

She�takes�the�ball into�the�paint.

Four�seconds�left�on�the�clock.

Don't�make�me�do�it.

Pump-fakes. Pivots.�Fades�away!

-�Oh! -�(moaning)

How's�your�ankle?

Where's�the�whistle? That�was�travelling.

-�As�if. -�Okay.

I�didn't�want�to have�to�do�this,

but�you�brought�it�on yourself,�Jo.

Brother�crows!�I�summon�you.

Attack!

I�said�attack.

Mn'ehh.

Caw!

Ribbit?

Do�you�have�any�bologna?

Uh,�yes,�we�do. In�the�back�refrigerator.

Man,�you're�slipping.

Dude�asks�for�bologna, and�you're�supposed�to�say...

..."Yeah,�man."

Speaking�of�stiff,

this�place�needs to�lighten�up,�man.

It's�too�much�like...�you.

Well,�if�by�that you�mean�barely�hanging�on,

you're�right.

Yeah.�The�store�is�too�store-y.

People�come�in�here,�they buy�shit,�and�then�they�leave.

What's�up�with�that?

Well,�uh,�that�is how�a�store�works,�Dean.

But�picture�this,�man.

People�come�in�here and�shoot�the�shit.

Nobody�here is�shooting�the�shit.

We�need�more�shit-shooting.

Okay. With�all�due�respect,�Dean,

we�can't�sell�shit-shooting, okay?

I�think�you're�on the�wrong�page,�bro.

You're�talking�money-making and�I'm�talking�shit-shooting.

Okay,�then.

Have�you�seen�the�latest revenge�karate�movie,

The�Killer�Backers?

-�Yeah. -�All�right.

This�is�the�life�you�chose, Greg.

Oh,�hey,�Paul.�This�is�Theland.

-�(Wolf�howls) -�Whispering�voice:�Aki.

Yes.�Theland. Spelled�"The�land."

-�(Wolf�howls) -�Whispering�voice:�Aki.

Isn't�he�great?

And�guess�what.�Theland has�just�agreed�to�be�our�donor.

Hmm.�Don't�you�think this�is�something

we�both�should've�talked�about?

You�know�how�much�communication means�to�me.

Says�the�guy�who�started a�speakeasy.

You�got�to�stop�living in�the�past.

I'm�past�the�past.

This�guy�has all�the�DNA�we�need.

He's...�okay.

Okay?

He�just�finished�making a�spice�rack

while�we�were�arguing.

(chuckling)

Too�bad�we�don't�have any�spices.

Stop�it.�He's�perfect.

All�I'm�saying�is,�you�can't pick�the�first�guy�you�see.

It's�like�picking�up�the first�melon�at�the�fruit�stand.

We�don't�even�know if�this�guy's�ripe.

As�if�you�buy�fruit.

All�I'm�saying is�we�only�have�one�melon.

I�think�I�deserve�to�go�and�find my�own�melon.

We�have�a�perfectly�ripe�melon, so�full�of�juice.

Humph.�Says�you.

Well,�good�luck�finding�a�melon in�a�rez�full�of�potatoes.

Sometimes, those�potatoes�turn�into�chips

and�beautiful�French�fries.

Melons?�Hmm.�They�just�go�mouldy and�taste�sour.

Open�the�damn�gate,�Willie.

Sorry,�Jo. The�crows�have�spoken.

(cawing)

Oh,�fok�off.

Where�am�I�supposed�to put�the�garbage,�then?

You're�a�waste-keeper�now. Figure�it�out.

(laughing)

Come�on,�guys.�Let's�go�get some�of�that�soup,�eh?

Oh,�hey.�You�know�what?

Oh,�literally, yous�don't�say?

That's�a�good�one,�Joey... (Willie�muttering�indistinctly)

(mockingly)�You're�a waste-keeper�now.�Figure�it�out.

Fok'n�Willie.

: Nah,�man.

The�toughest�white�guy to�play�a�Native�is�Billy�Jack.

Don't�come�at�me�with�this Johnny�Depp,�Lone�Ranger�shit.

Uh,�Dean,�can�we�talk?

What's�up,�man?

So,�I�don't�know�if�you�noticed,

but�the�hang-out�spot has�become�the�hang-out�store.

Yeah.�What's�the�problem,�man?

The�place�is�packed. That's�how�you�business.

Well,�the�problem�is�that none�of�these�people

are�buying�anything.

Oh,�man.�I'm�in�the�middle of�shit-shooting,

and�you're�coming�at�me with�all�this�Greg�talk.

I�think�we�might�even�be over�capacity.

Ah,�don't�worry�about�it,�man. The�fire�marshal's�here,

he�would�have said�something�by�now.

(chattering)

Hang�on,�man.�Oh,�right,�right.

There's�no�way�six�gorillas can�take�on�25�chimps.

Based�on�what?

That�was the�Local�244�Beading�Union.

Did�you�buy�a�pair of�beaded�earrings�from�Russia?

Fucking�Willie leaked�that�receipt.

That�stinky�little�bastard!

Jo,�this�is�big.

They�were�$5.

(phone�ringing)

Hello?

I'll�look�right�into�that.

Jo,�did�you�just�dump a�bunch�of�garbage�bags

right�out�in�the�open?

I�got�a�community�member on�the�phone�that�says�you�did.

I�left�the�trash outside�the�dump

because�Willie�locked�the�gates.

Well,�a�bunch�of�rez�dogs tore�into�it,

and�now, there's�garbage�everywhere.

Jo,�this�is�big.

Jo: Ah,�for�fok's�sake.

(phone�ringing)

Hello.

Are�you�serious?

Well,�that's�not�good.

Wrong�number.

Jo,�that's�big.

What�about�those�guys? Do�they�look�like�dad�material?

Paul: No�way,�man.

My�baby�has�to�have the�coolest�DNA.

It's�got�to�reek�of�coolness.

Got�it.�Reeks�of�coolness.

-�Those�guys�look�really�cool. -�No�way,�man.

That�guy�looks�like�he�reads.

Nobody�likes�a�know-it-all.

No�know-it-alls.�Got�it.

And�this�guy?�Way�too�tall.

It's�too�risky.�I�don't�want my�kid�to�beat�me�up

by�the�time he's�eight�years�old.

Tall�equals�bad.

Fuck,�Stephen�Harper.

Where�are�we�going�to find�a�cool�guy

that�doesn't�give�a�fuck, and�says

cool�things,�like,

"Whatever,�man" or�"That's�bunk"?

It'll�take�years�before�we�find someone�like�that.

Dean: Hey,�man.

You�can't�be�smoking�candied cigarettes�in�here,�bro.

(cackling)

Whatever,�old�man.�That's�bunk.

Both: Fucking�cool,�man!

-�(birds�chirping) -�(sighing)

(phone�ringing)

(dog�barking�in�the�distance)

(splashing)

Hey,�Chief. You�and�me.�Let's�talk.

Rose,�are�you�ready�to�meet my�melon?

Say�hello to�Lyle�the�cool�guy.�Ha.

Cool,�right?

I�guess. I�mean,�he's�no�Theland.

What�the�fok is�he�still�doing�here?

He's�making�us�lacrosse�sticks.

Yeah. I�even�made�one�for�the�baby.

Well,�Lyle's�got�some�cool�shit, too.�Right,�Lyle?�Show�them.

I�have.

What�the�fuck?

You�can't�give�nunchucks to�a�baby,�man!

Whatever,�old�man.�That's�bunk.

Paul: Come�on.�Get�up.

Go�make�a�spice�rack or�something.

Whoa.�I�just�cleaned�here.

Come�on.�Whatever,�man. Hey.�Oh.

You�guys�got�any�movies or�anything?

You�ever�seen�The�Crow?

No,�man. We�don't�have�The�Crow.

What?

What�the�hell�is�wrong,�man?

You�haven't�seen�The�Crow?

Would�you�shut�up about�The�Crow�already?

Fucking�bunk.

Hey.�Come�on,�babe.

I�mean,�It's�pretty�obvious who�the�donor�is�here.

I�don't�think it's�obvious�at�all.

But�it's�been�out�for,�like, 30�years.

I�have�the�perfect�guy. Why�are�you�fighting�me�on�this?

No,�babe. I�have�the�perfect�guy.

It's�literally�out on�every�format!

Blu-ray,�DVD,�Laserdisc.

Hmm.

Fine.�We'll�settle�this with�a�competition.

-�Winner�is�the�donor. -�You're�on!

Oh,�oh.

Tell�me�you've�at�least�heard the�soundtrack.

Aw!�Come�on!

(shouting)

(birds�chirping)

What�are�we�even�doing�here, Deedee?

I�knew�you'd�be�out�here all�sad-arse,

wishing�you�never�became�chief.

How'd�you�know�that?

-�Same�thing�happened�to�me. -�Really?

Nah.�I'm�just�trying�to make�you�feel�better.

Listen,�Jo.

I�want�to�give�you some�chief�advice.

From�former�chief�to�chief.

When�times�get�tough, play�the�guitar?

Not�quite,�but�that�did�work�out pretty�well�for�me.

No.�You�need�to�give in�to�the�power�of...

maanoo.

Maanoo?

Yeah.

It�means�"let�it�be,"�but really,�it's�a�frame�of�mind.

Sometimes,�the�victory does�not�lie�in�the�outcome,

but�in�the�acceptance of�what�is.

So,�how�do�I�"maanoo"�myself

out�of�a�garbage�strike?

That's�easy. Did�you�eat�Willie's�soup?

His�what?

When�you�visited�the�dump, he�offered�you�some�soup,�right?

Yeah,�but�I'm�not�going�to�eat that�witches�brew.

That's�the�problem.

This�was�never�about�a�truck.

Willie,�he�just�wants�respect.

So,�buck�up, eat�the�damn�soup,

and�maanoo.

I�know�some�of�you�are�asking yourselves�why�you're�here.

-�I�know�I�am. -�(clearing�throat)

Paul�and�I�are�going�to�decide on�our�donor�for�our�kid.

-�Really? -�Yeah.

Like�this?�Okay.

Welcome�to�the�baby�daddy�games, I�guess.

Who�will�win�the�right�to�be

Paul�and�Rose's�sperm�donor, and--

And�how�is�this supposed�to�work?

-�Just�let�me�do�it. -�Oh.

(clearing�throat)

Hi,�everyone. So,�Paul�is�sterile.

(cheering�and�applause)

Let�me�finish.�That's�not the�only�reason�why�we're�here.

(groaning)

We�couldn't�decide�on�our�donor, so�our�two�choices

are�going�to�compete against�each�other.

My�choice�is�Theland, spelled�"The�land."

-�Whispering�voice:�Aki. -�(cheering�and�applause)

Paul: Hmm.

And�my�choice�is�Lyle.

But�you�already�know�him�as the�coolest�guy�in�Grouse�Lake.

Get�out�here,�Lyle.

-�(scattered�applause) -�Yeah.

What�the�hell,�man? You�painted�your�face?

Yeah.�It�makes�me�look�cool.

Nah.�You're�scaring�everybody.

Aw,�fuck.�It's�hot,�man.

Yeah.�You're�wearing�a�trench.

Ah,�fuck.�I�need�a�chair.

Start�the�games,�Roger.

Okay.�Let's�start�the�games.

(cheering�and�applause)

I've�been�told that�the�first�event

is�the�swimsuit�competition.

(cheering�and�applause)

(cheering�and�applause continues)

Greg: Okay.�Uh,

he�would�rather�get�run�over by�a�tank

than�sliced�up�by�a�helicopter.

(laughing�nervously)

Dean, I�know�you're�shooting�the�shit,

but�we�really�need�to�talk.

I'm�just�saying,�the�store has�never�been�busier.

(whispering)�But�nobody�here is�spending�a�cent.

Well,�you're�the�corporate sellout,�buttoned-down,

corn-fed,�uptight,

button-pushing, marshmallow�motherfucker.

-�Right. -�What�do�we�do?

We�could�at�least�charge for�the�coffee.

All�right.�Fine.

Excuse�me.

Dean: "Free�coffee�with�purchase"?

There.

Nice�job,�bro.

(playing�flute)

Someone�give�this�man's�sperm an�egg�already.

(crying)

So,�what's�Lyle�going�to�do?

Oh,�he's�going�to�blow�you�away. He's�got�something�huge�planned.

Get�up�there,�Lyle!

Now,�imagine�you're�watching

the�movie�The�Crow,

but�just all�the�cool�fighting�parts.

Ah,�for�fuck--

And�imagine all�the�cool�fighting�parts

are�played�by�me.

Hit�it!

-�(industrial�music�playing) -�(grunting)

This�guy�comes�in, and�he's,�like,

"Boof-boof-boof!�Boof-boof.

"That's�what�you�get�for killing�me�and�my�hot�fianc�e.

Boof-boof-boof!�Boof.�Boof!"

(crow�cawing)

What's�that?�Is�that�a�crow?

(imitating�crow�cawing)

Oh,�my�ankle!

Oh,�fuck.

Hey.�That's�not�in�the�movie.

Come�on.�You�gotta�get�up,

or�my�baby�is�gonna�be�riddled with�that�perfect�man's�DNA.

No.�I�can't�do�it,�man. My�ankle's�fucked.

Nah.

You're�fine.�(chuckling)

-�Are�you�okay? -�Looks�like�Lyle�is�out.

Which�means�Theland�wins.

Paul:�Hold�on.�The�last�round is�the�interview�round,�right?

I�don't�know.�Is�it? I'm�just�learning�as�I�go.

Argh.�He's�right. The�best�answer�wins.

And�Lyle�doesn't�need�his�ankle to�answer�the�questions.

-�Right,�Lyle? -�(Grunting)

Roger:�Okan�iwe.

Crowd: Oh!

(gagging)

What�did�we�learn�today?

That's�easy,�man.

25�chimps�can�easily�take six�gorillas.

I�meant�the�store.

Oh,�yeah.�Right.

Well,�when�the�store made�no�money,�we�were�cool.

Right.

But�now�that�paying�customers are�back,�we're�less�cool.

Also�right.

Wait�a�second!

"Free�coffee with�purchase�of�a�free�coffee."

Dean,�that-- That�makes�no�sense.

I'll�take�a�cup�of�free�coffee.

That'll�be�$2,�please.

(crow�cawing)

And�I've�just�been�handed the�final�question.

Lyle,�since�you�suffered a�horrific�injury,

maybe�you�should�go�first before�your�Medivac�arrives.

(grunting)

Oh.�Maybe�just�answer from�your�chair.

Stop�playing�head�games,�bro. Let�him�go.

Yeah,�I'm�good.�Morphine's starting�to�kick�in�anyway.

I�didn't�give�you�any�morphine.

Lyle,�why�should�you�be the�donor?

Well,�let�me�tell�you.

(imitating�crow�cawing)

-�(thudding) -�(audience�gasping)

Is�that�an�answer?

What�the�fuck,�Lyle? Get�up,�man!

You're�kind�of�blowing�it right�now.

Lyle's�out. Looks�like�Theland�wins.

It's�not�over. "The�land"�still�has�to�answer.

All�right,�then.

Theland, why�should�you�be�the�donor?

You�know�what? I�don't�think�I�want�to�be.

You�people�are�terrible.

The�thought�of�a�child being�parented

by�either�of�you lunatics�is�frightening.

I�think�I'll�just�keep�my�DNA to�myself.

Paul:�Kee-oskway!

As�the�master�of�ceremonies, I�should�say�a�few�words.

You�don't�need�a�donor�who's cool�or�ridiculously�handsome.

You�need�someone�with�heart and�selflessness.

Someone�who�cares�for�others.

Someone�who's�kind and�considerate.

Someone�who's�undyingly�loyal, like�a�dog�or�a�cuckold.

And�I'm�just�spit-balling�here.

I�have�never�been�a�father and�frankly,

I�find�children�to�be annoying,�filthy�little�things.

A�bit�of�a�drag.

But�I�do�know�as�of�right�now,

you�have�no�such�guy.

Yes,�we�have.

He's�been�right�under�our�nose this�whole�time.

Stephen�Harper,�would�you--

-�Yes. -�(audience�members�gasping)

Ah,�for�fuck--

Rose,�Paul, you�have�your�donor.

Here�you�go,�Stephen�Harper. Get�to�work.

,�why�the�sudden�change of�heart?

Uh,�an�old�friend helped�me�see�the�light.

All�right.

Go�on�then.

Maanoo.

Hmm.�Mmm!

Wow!

That's�really�good.

Thanks.

It's�an�old�family�recipe that�I�found�in�the�trash.

Okay.�Wow.

So,�uh,�the�strike�is�off?

You�bet.

Even�better, I'm�going�to�call�off�the�crows.

Brother�crow...

...fly.

More�soup?

Un-uhn.

?

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