Original subtitles

Subtitles by explosiveskull www.OpenSubtitles.org

-THEY NEED TO GET TO THE 46 TO KEEP THIS DRIVE ALIVE,

SO HERE IS FOURTH DOWN...

WILSON FAKES THE HAND-OFF. THEY'VE GOT THEM! THEY'VE GOT THEM!

SAM ROBERTS FROM THE OUTSIDE SWIMS PAST THE TACKLE

AND DRIVES EDWARD STRAIGHT TO THE TURF FOR A LOSS OF SEVEN.

HOME CROWD ON THEIR FEET!

2:10 LEFT ON THE CLOCK...

ROBERTS SHOWING THAT AMAZING SPEED FROM THE OUTSIDE.

UNBELIEVABLE!

ROBERTS STILL ON THE FIELD -- A LITTLE SLOW GETTING UP.

MIGHT HAVE HURT HIS KNEE ON THAT PLAY.

DUCKS ARE GOING TO TAKE OVER ON DOWNS,

AND THIS MIGHT BE THE BALLGAME, FOLKS.

TRAINING STAFF NOW MAKING THEIR WAY OUT TO ROBERTS.

LOOKING AT A REPLAY HERE -- OH!

YEAH, LOOKS LIKE HIS KNEE JUST COMPLETELY GIVES OUT

AS HE PLANTS HIS LEFT FOOT JUST BEFORE THE TACKLE.

6'1", 260 IS SAMUEL ROBERTS. GOOD KID, TOO.

HAD THE CHANCE TO TALK WITH HIM EARLIER THIS WEEK.

HE TOLD ME ABOUT HOW HIS MOM WOULD WORK TWO AND THREE JOBS

TO HELP SUPPORT THE FAMILY.

HE MENTIONED HIS DREAM OF ONE DAY BUYING HER A HOUSE.

PRETTY GOOD CHANCE HE'LL BE ABLE TO MAKE THAT DREAM COME TRUE,

AS I THINK THERE'S NO DOUBT WE'LL BE SEEING

PLENTY MORE OF MR. SAMUEL ROBERTS

PLAYING ON SUNDAYS.

HI, MEATBALL.

HOW YOU DOING, BUDDY?

YOU WANT SOME FOOD?

MISS YOU, MOM.

MILES.

DAMN.

411?!

413?!

-OOH, BABY!

-MY SNOOKIE-POO.

-MY SNOOKIE-POO.

-MY SNOOKIE-NOOKIE-POO.

-MILEY-WILEY!

-THAT INFAMOUS CRUISE LAUGH

AND TOTALLY TRYING TO OUTDO ME IN EVERYTHING

FROM ROCK CLIMBING TO ARM WRESTLING FOR SOME REASON.

-TOM CRUISE, REALLY?

-YEAH, IT WAS LIKE THE WEIRDEST DREAM.

-HEY, GIRL.

YOU WANNA GET MARRIED?

I'M TOTALLY DOWN FOR KIDS AND A DOG.

YOU'RE PRETTY!

TOO STRONG?

-NO, SHE'S JUST A BITCH.

SOMETIMES I JUST FEEL INVISIBLE, MILES.

-YOU'RE NOT.

SHALL WE? -YEAH.

DAMN IT.

-RELAX. IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT,

THEY MAKE THOSE FOR LITTLE JAPANESE PEOPLE.

HOLD THIS. -YEAH, THAT'S GONNA HELP.

-GOT ANY CASH? NO, YOU DO NOT.

OOH, WHO'S THIS?

-REALLY? ARE YOU SERIOUS?

FOR THE RECORD, YOUR OBSESSION WITH MY SISTER

IS KIND OF CREEPY.

-IT'S NOT AN OBSESSION. SHE'S MY FRIEND.

-OH, REALLY? WHICH FRIEND PICTURE OF ME DID YOU DECIDE TO GO WITH?

-WHAT PICTURE?

-FOR YOUR WALLET. WHICH FRIEND PIC-

I DON'T SEE ONE OF ME IN HERE.

-OH, RIGHT.

I HAVEN'T REALLY FOUND THE RIGHT PICTURE.

-YEAH, LET'S GO.

MY SISTER'S BOYFRIEND

IS SUPPOSED TO COME TO POKER TONIGHT.

-TYSON?

-YOU EVER NOTICE HOW HE ALWAYS MANAGES

TO GET HIS SHIRT OFF SOMEHOW? -I GUESS.

-IT'S LIKE McCONAUGHEY AND HULK HOGAN'S LOVE CHILD.

-OH, DAMN IT!

FUCK!

-YOU OKAY?

-I'M GOING ON A DIET. THIS IS IT.

YOU SOUND LIKE LaSHAWNA ON HER PERIOD.

YOU'RE NOT ON YOUR PERIOD, ARE YOU?

SORRY.

WHEN SOMEONE'S ON THEIR PERIOD,

NEVER POINT IT OUT -- I GOT IT.

-I'M TIRED OF BEING FAT, MILES.

I'M TIRED OF BEING INVISIBLE, AND I'M TIRED OF BEING --

-YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU'RE NOT THAT FAT.

-I'M OVER 400 POUNDS.

-FOUR?

YOU WEAR IT WELL?

-I'M GOING ON A DIET. THIS IS IT.

-GOOD. THAT'S GOOD, RIGHT?

-IT'S GOOD. -GOOD, SEE?

-PLEASE DON'T HUG ME.

-NO? YEAH, BAD IDEA.

YOU, UH, NEED HELP WITH THAT, OR...?

-I GOT IT.

YEAH, WE'RE GONNA BE LATE FOR WORK.

-♪ HERE I SIT BROKEN HEARTED

♪ HERE I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME

-DUDE, SHE'S SO FRICKIN' HOT.

LOOK AT THAT BODY.

AND THAT OUTFIT -- RIDICULOUS.

-YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY -- SOMEWHERE, SOMEONE

IS TIRED OF PUTTING UP WITH HER SHIT.

-WHERE? I WANNA BE THAT GUY, MILES.

I WANNA BE THE GUY WHO'S SICK AND TIRED OF HITTING THAT.

-YEAH, ME TOO, BUT UNTIL THEN,

I'M GONNA CLEAN UP THE BALLS ON 24.

-♪ ...LIKE ME AND THAT'S A FACT ♪

♪ BUT THE CLOSET'S EMPTY, AND YOUR BAGS ARE PACKED ♪

♪ I THINK YOUR LOVE TRAIN IS MOVIN' DOWN THE TRACKS.. ♪

-WITHOUT LEIGH HUNT, THERE WOULD BE NO KEATS.

HE TOOK THE FIRST RISK BY PUBLISHING IT,

ALBEIT JUST IN A MAGAZINE.

-WELL, YOU'LL FIND SOMEONE, TOO.

-BUT WHEN?

KEATS WAS PUBLISHED AND DEAD BY 25.

-ALL RIGHT, WELL,

MAYBE YOU NEED TO SIMPLIFY YOUR WORK A BIT, YOU KNOW,

MAKE IT MORE CONSUMABLE FOR THE MASSES?

-MY EXPERIENCE WITH ALGEBRAIC LITERATURE IS A PRIMAL NEED.

I HAVE TO EXPAND AND INTENSIFY SOCIETY'S EXISTING WORD SCAPE.

IF I MADE MY WORK MORE ACCESSIBLE,

THAT WOULD FEEL LIKE -- LIKE A CHICANERY.

ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO GO BOWLING?

-WE'RE HERE FOR YOU.

-WE'RE HERE FOR MY MOM...

AND HER NEW BOYFRIEND.

AAAGH.

THIS IS SUCH THE FAT MAN'S SPORT.

-GOOD FOR YOU, BUDDY.

-EXCUSE ME?

DO YOU HAVE A MOMENT?

-WHAT WAS THAT?

-HAS A MOLLY SEMPLETON CHECKED IN YET?

SHE SHOULD HAVE A RESERVATION FOR FOUR.

-UH, NOPE. NOT YET.

- OF COURSE. WHY SHOULD SHE BE ON TIME?

ALL RIGHT, MAYBE GO AHEAD AND PUT THROUGH

THE LANE SHE'S RESERVED.

-WHAT SIZE SHOES?

-I'M A 10, AND YOU ARE...?

-I'M A 7 1/2. -7 1/2

-AN 8 AND A 7 1/2.

-A 10.

-RIGHT. SHE IS A 10.

-A 7 1/2 AND A 10.

-I JUST NEED A CARD TO HOLD ON TO.

-YOU CAN PAY FOR THE SHOES AND THE LANE WHEN YOU FINISH.

-WE'LL BE PAYING SEPARATELY.

AND ALSO MOLLY AND HER GUEST WILL BE PAYING SEPARATELY, TOO.

-I JUST NEED A CARD TO HOLD ON TO.

-HERE, YOU CAN HAVE MY CARD.

-NO, IT'S FINE. WE CAN USE MINE...

AS LONG AS I DON'T GET STUCK PAYING FOR EVERYONE.

-LANE FOUR.

-I'M GONNA GO GRAB SOME WATER.

-ARE YOU GOING TO TAKE YOUR SHOES?

-CAN YOU JUST TAKE THEM TO THE LANE FOR ME?

-EH... -YOU CAN LEAVE THEM HERE.

-THERE YOU GO.

-NO, THAT'S OKAY. THANK YOU.

I'LL JUST TAKE THEM.

-THOUGHT YOU WERE ON A DIET.

-JUST WANT THE TASTE.

-GOOD, GOOD.

I'M THE KIND OF GIRL THAT LIKES TO SWALLOW.

-YOU LOOK LIKE THAT TYPE.

-THANK YOU.

WANT SOME?

-EW!

EW!

- YOU WANT SOME PRETZELS, SAMMY? HMM?

I'LL GET YOU A SPIT BUCKET IF YOU JUST WANT A TASTE.

-NO, THANK YOU. -WHAT WAS THAT ABOUT?

-SAMMY HERE IS ON A MISSION TO LOSE WEIGHT.

-GOOD FOR YOU, SAM. I SHOULD REALLY LOSE SOME WEIGHT MYSELF.

-WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

-I'M A TRAINER. I HAVE TO HAVE A SICK BODY.

AND I ALWAYS FEEL FAT WHEN I'M NEXT TO TYSON.

-YOU DO HAVE A SICK BODY.

-I GET THAT, THOUGH.

THAT'S WHY I'M WITH THIS ONE RIGHT HERE.

SO WHENEVER I FEEL FAT I LOOK AT HIM,

AND I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER.

-WOW, THANKS. WHENEVER I'M FEELING FAT,

I JUST LOOK AT HIM AND I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER. -SHUT UP.

-YOU KNOW, SAM, IF YOU REALLY ARE SERIOUS

ABOUT LOSING WEIGHT, YOU SHOULD COME TO FAT CUTTERS.

WE'RE SMALL, BUT WE'RE GOOD, AND I CAN GET YOU A DISCOUNT.

-LOOK, SAM, I LOVE YOU, BUD,

BUT THIS LOSING-WEIGHT THING, YOU KNOW,

IT'S NOT GOING TO HIT DOUBLE DIGITS WITH YOU.

-I'LL BET YOU I CAN LOSE MORE WEIGHT THAN YOU.

LET'S NOT GET CARRIED AWAY.

-I CAN LOSE MORE WEIGHT IN A DAY, A WEEK, A MONTH, A YEAR -- YOU NAME IT.

-REALLY? WHY DON'T YOU PUT SOME MONEY WHERE YOUR FAT MOUTH IS?

-NAME THE AMOUNT.

-$12. -$1,200.

-YOU DON'T HAVE $1,200, DIPSHIT.

-$200. -REALLY?

-$100.

-OKAY, DEAL. DONE. -THIS IS EXCITING.

-SEVEN DAYS. -A MONTH.

-TWO. -OOOH! -I WANT IN ON THIS.

I BET I CAN LOSE MORE WEIGHT IN EIGHT WEEKS

THAN EITHER OF YOU.

-OKAY, FIRST OF ALL, IT'S TWO MONTHS.

SECOND OF ALL, I'LL TAKE YOUR MONEY.

-NO, NO, NO, I'M GONNA BE TAKING EVERYONE'S MONEY.

LaSHAWNA, YOU WANT IN ON THIS?

-MNH-MNH. NO, THANK YOU.

-YEAH, GOOD CALL.

-GOOD CALL ABOUT WHAT?

-ABOUT THE WAY FOOD GETS SUCKED UP YOUR PIE HOLE.

-DRUNK ASS, MILES!

YOU KNOW WHAT? COUNT ME IN.

-REALLY? ALL RIGHT.

-TO WEIGHT LOSS.

-WEIGHT LOSS! WHOO!

-JUST A TASTE.

-SO I'M TOTALLY JUMPING ON THIS WEIGHT LOSS TOMORROW.

-MM-HMM, TOMORROW.

-RIGHT.

HI, MEATBALL.

HOW YOU DOING, BUDDY?

YOU'RE ON A DIET, TOO.

IT'S FOR THE BEST.

THERE YOU GO, MAMA.

-OKAY, LAST SIGNATURE.

-IT'S LIKE I'M BUYING A HOUSE. -CONGRATULATIONS!

YOU HAVE COMPLETED THE FIRST STEP TO THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

GO GET CHANGED, AND I'LL LET CASSIE KNOW YOU'RE HERE.

-OKAY. CASSIE?!

A GIRL TRAINER?

YOU WON'T GET JEALOUS?

I'LL TRY NOT TO.

-IS THAT HER OVER THERE? -NO, THAT'S MELISSA.

CASSIE, LET'S SEE, SHE'S OVER THERE...

READING A BOOK.

-OH, YEAH, SHE'S CUTE.

IS SHE SMOKING?

-IS SHE? OH!

THIS IS LIKE THE FIFTH TIME SHE'S DONE THIS.

WELL, YOU GO CHANGE WHILE I GO TELL SOMEONE

ABOUT THE SMOKING AREA OUTSIDE -- AGAIN.

-THANKS, GINGER.

HI. -HI.

-I'M SAM. I BELIEVE YOU'LL BE COACHING ME TODAY.

-OH, HEY, I'M CASSIE. I'M YOUR TRAINER.

HAVEN'T WE MET BEFORE?

-YEAH. I WORK AT THE BOWLING ALLEY.

YOU CAME IN THE OTHER DAY. -OH, RIGHT.

SORRY, DO YOU MIND IF I FINISH THIS? -NO, THAT'S COOL.

-SO, SAM, HAVE YOU EVER WORKED OUT IN A GYM BEFORE?

- ALTHOUGH IT MAY NOT LOOK LIKE IT,

I'VE ACTUALLY SPENT HALF MY LIFE IN THE GYMS.

I USED TO PLAY FOOTBALL.

-HIGH SCHOOL? -COLLEGE.

-MY DAD PLAYED FOOTBALL. -OH, REALLY? COLLEGE, OR...?

-PROFESSIONAL. -SWEET.

WHAT TEAM DID HE PLAY FOR?

-UM...

I'M SORRY, ARE YOU EATING A CANDY BAR?

-ENERGY BAR.

IT'S COVERED IN CHOCOLATE.

-YEAH.

- OKAY.

UM, ALL RIGHT, WELL, LET'S NOT DO THAT,

YOU KNOW, EVER AGAIN,

ESPECIALLY NOT TWO MINUTES BEFORE WE WORK OUT, OKAY?

-BUT I USED TO ALWAYS EAT BEFORE PRACTICE.

-YEAH.

-WHAT TEAM DID YOUR DAD PLAY FOR?

-IT DOESN'T MATTER.

-WHY NOT?

-BECAUSE WE'RE ABOUT TO GO WORK OUT.

COME ON, HOP UP HERE.

ANY PAST INJURIES?

OH, YEAH, THREW OUT MY ACL.

BROKEN ARM, BROKEN FOOT, TOO MANY SPRAINS TO EVEN TALK ABOUT,

BUT IT WAS THE ACL THAT SENT ME HOME.

-AND YOU HAVEN'T WORKED OUT SINCE?

-NOPE, NOT LIKE IN SIX OR SEVEN YEARS.

-OKAY, IS THERE ANY PAIN LEFT?

-MOSTLY EMOTIONAL.

PERFECT.

-JUST WANT TO WARN YOU, THOUGH,

I HAVEN'T REALLY RUN IN A WHILE, SO...

NOT REALLY SURE HOW THIS IS GONNA GO.

-OKAY, WELL, WE'LL START YOU OFF WITH A WALK.

-OKAY. THANKS, COACH.

-DON'T CALL ME COACH.

-IT'S NOT SO BAD.

-KIND OF NICE, ACTUALLY.

-HOW'S IT GOING?

-AH, OH! UGH!

THAT ENERGY BAR WAS A BAD IDEA.

-YES, IT WAS.

OKAY, LET'S WORK OUT.

HERE YOU GO.

-WHAT ABOUT THE REAL WEIGHTS?

-WE'LL GET TO THEM SOON ENOUGH.

THESE ARE MUCH BETTER FOR YOUR CORE ANYWAY.

-THEY JUST LOOK SO WIMPY.

-OH, SWEET JESUS!

OH!

-COME ON, FOOTBALL PLAYER.

YOU'VE GOT THREE MORE...

-OH!

-TWO MORE...

-OH!

OH!

-ONE MORE.

GOOD.

NOW GIVE ME 10 MORE.

OH, YOU'RE KILLING ME.

-THAT'S RIGHT, AND YOU WILL BE REBORN

FASTER, STRONGER, AND LIGHTER.

GOOD.

THREE...

TWO...

ONE.

-PERFECT. -I'M GONNA EAT YOUR BABIES.

-THAT WOULD BE A TERRIBLE IDEA. YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO EAT RED MEAT.

COME ON, FOOTBALL PLAYER. YOU'VE GOT IT.

-YOU OKAY?

JUST NOT SURE I'M READY FOR ALL THIS.

-YOUR BODY JUST NEEDS TO GET USED TO IT AGAIN.

I'M SURE YOU'VE HAD MUCH HARDER WORKOUTS THAN THIS BEFORE.

-YEAH, I HAVE, BUT...

...I THINK I WANT TO DO SOMETHING ELSE.

-ARE YOU SURE?

OKAY.

-STUPID.

WHAT ARE YOU READING?

-A BOOK.

-SO, I WAS GIVING IT SOME THOUGHT AND...

SO, I WAS THINKING MAYBE I SHOULD TRY THIS AGAIN.

-SURE. YOU PAID FOR THE MONTH, SO GO AHEAD AND SIGN IN.

-COOL.

SO, ARE YOU GONNA COACH ME?

-I'M A TRAINER, NOT A COACH.

-TRAINER. ARE YOU GONNA TRAIN ME?

-THAT DEPENDS. ARE YOU GONNA QUIT AGAIN?

-I'LL TRY NOT TO.

-ARE YOU GONNA QUIT AGAIN? -NO.

-OKAY. GO AHEAD AND GET CHANGED. I'LL MEET YOU OVER BY THE TREADMILLS.

OH, AND IF YOU'RE STILL HERE NEXT WEEK, WE CAN GO OUTSIDE.

-WHY?

CAN YOU GIVE ME A JOG?

AW, COME ON, I THOUGHT YOU USED TO BE A FOOTBALL PLAYER.

IS THAT ALL YOU'VE GOT?

-THAT'S WHY THIS IS ALL I'VE GOT.

AH, LOOK AT THAT.

I LIKE IT WHEN YOU SMILE.

MAKES YOU LOOK LESS MEAN.

-OKAY, FOOTBALL PLAYER, KEEP ON JOGGING.

OR WALKING,

SINCE APPARENTLY THAT'S ALL YOU CAN DO.

-WOW, YOU ARE BOUND AND DETERMINED

TO DEMASCULINE ME WITH THESE GIRLIE WEIGHTS, AREN'T YOU?

-HAVE FAITH IN THE SMALL THINGS.

IN THEM, YOUR STRENGTH LIES.

ARE YOU REFERRING TO MY...

-NO. MOTHER TERESA.

-HOW'D YOU KNOW THAT'S WHAT I NAMED HIM?

-OKAY, THERE'S NO NEED TO GO THERE WITH MOTHER TERESA.

LET'S TRY HOLDING THE WEIGHTS OUT PERPENDICULAR NOW.

OKAY, AND WE'RE GONNA DO SMALL ARM ROLLS. THERE YOU GO.

-ARE YOU A CATHOLIC?

NO, BUT YOU DON'T NEED TO BE A CATHOLIC

TO APPRECIATE A GOOD MOTHER TERESA QUOTE.

-ONLY QUOTE I KNOW IS,

"WHAT DOESN'T KILL YOU MAKES YOU STRONGER."

COACH GRONSKI SAID THAT.

COACH GRONSKI IS NO MOTHER TERESA.

NOT AT ALL.

-OKAY, FRIEDRICH NIETZSCHE SAID THAT.

-WHAT'S THAT?

-FRIEDRICH NIETZSCHE, THE PHILOSOPHER.

IT'S FROM HIS BOOK "HOW ONE BECOMES FROM WHAT ONE IS".

-SOUNDS LIKE HE STOLE THAT QUOTE FROM COACH GRONSKI.

-NOT LIKELY.

OKAY, LET'S HOLD THE ARMS OUT STRAIGHT IN FRONT.

AND WE'RE GONNA COUNT DOWN FROM 10.

10...

NINE...

EIGHT... -UGH, YOU'RE LIKE WIKIPEDIA.

-I LIKE TO READ. SIX...

FIVE...

FOUR...

-YOU KNOW, I'VE ONLY READ ONE BOOK THE WHOLE WAY THROUGH.

-TWO... VERY SURPRISING. ONE.

OKAY, RELAX.

WHAT BOOK DID YOU READ?

-"JAMES AND THE GIANT PEACH."

I WAS IN THE SIXTH GRADE.

IT MADE ME REALLY LOVE PEACHES...

AND WHIPPED CREAM -- MAINLY WHIPPED CREAM.

-YEAH, I CAN IMAGINE. IT'S A GOOD BOOK.

-YOU'VE READ IT? -A COUPLE TIMES.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S GET BACK UP THERE,

AND THIS TIME DO --

LET'S JUST HOLD THE WEIGHTS UP 30 DEGREES HIGHER.

SO, DID YOU FINISH COLLEGE?

-NO.

WHAT COLLEGE DID YOU ATTEND?

-I DIDN'T. I MEAN, WELL, NOT YET.

I'M SAVING UP NOW.

-REALLY? I THOUGHT YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN DONE BY NOW.

YOU SEEM SO SMART.

-OH, YEAH, HOW SMART AM I?

I'M STANDING OUT HERE WITH A GIANT MAN,

HELPING HIM HOLD UP TINY, TINY WEIGHTS.

-SMART. -AND I SMOKE.

-THAT'S PRETTY DUMB.

-YEAH.

I GUESS "DUMB" IS A GOOD WORD FOR IT.

-YEAH, THE DUMB LEADING THE DUMB.

-IT'S THE BLIND LEADING THE BLIND.

-WHO SAID THAT?

-THE THREE MICE.

-OKAY, STOP NOW.

-WE'RE GONNA DO -- CALL TWO.

OOH, I LIKE THAT.

-THERE HE IS! -WHAT'S UP, GUYS?

-WHAT'S UP, BUDDY?

I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND, BUT I STOLE YOUR SEAT.

-NAH, IT'S COOL. WHAT ARE YOU GUYS PLAYING -- STRIP POKER?

-NO.

-WHERE'S GINGER AT?

-SHE'S IN THE BATHROOM TAKING A SHIT.

WHY DON'T YOU PULL UP A CHAIR AND JOIN US?

I'D LOVE TO TAKE YOUR MONEY. -NAH, I'VE GOT A NEW BOOK.

I'M GONNA GO READ.

YOU GUYS HAVE FUN, THOUGH.

-IT'S NOT A BOOK. IT'S A FUCKING CHOCOLATE BAR.

AH, SAM'S NOT THE ONLY ONE HAVING A GOOD WORKOUT, HUH?

BOTH OF US.

-THAT'S A GOOD POINT.

TO WIN THIS WEIGHT WAR, I'M GONNA BE GOING SOLO.

I'M NOT HELPING YOU WIN THIS THING.

ARE YOU MAD?

-NO. OKAY?

I JUST -- I JUST HAVE TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.

-OKAY, WHAT? -I'M PREGNANT.

-WHAT? -I'M PREGNANT.

-BULLSHIT. -NO, I AM.

I AM PREGNANT, MILES. -NO, NO, NO.

MILES. -WELL, HOW DO YOU KNOW?

-BECAUSE I'M FATIGUED. -SO AM I.

-OKAY, MY BREASTS ARE TENDER.

-THEY SHOULD BE. -REALLY? NO.

I GET SICK IN THE MORNING, MILES.

SO...I'M PREGNANT.

WELL... -UH-HUH.

-ARE YOU BEING SERIOUS?

-YEAH, I MEAN, YOU'LL DEFINITELY LOSE THE WEIGHT WAR.

WHAT?! -PUTS ME FURTHER FORWARD.

-ARE YOU SERIOUS, MILES? YOU REALLY DON'T GET THIS, DO YOU?

-YOU'RE PREGNANT.

-WE'RE PREGNANT.

-WE'RE PREGNANT.

-WE'RE PREGNANT!

OH, BOY!

-OR GIRL!

-I'M JUST SO ANNOYED BECAUSE HE BREAKS UP WITH ME

AND THEN PROCEEDS TO -- AND GET THIS --

INVITE ME TO HIS POETRY READING.

-I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW PEOPLE DID POETRY READINGS.

-YEAH, WELL, HE'S KIND OF A DORK, BUT...

THAT'S WHY I LOVE HIM.

-YOU SHOULD JUST SHOW UP TO THE READING WITH SOME OTHER GUY.

-WHAT? I CAN'T DO THAT.

BESIDES, WHAT KIND OF GUY WOULD I EVEN TAKE?

YOU WANT ME TO TAKE A BIG MEATHEAD LIKE TYSON?

-WHAT IS WRONG WITH TYSON?

-HE'S A MEATHEAD. -MEATHEAD?

-YEAH, AS IN, YOU ONLY LIKE HIM FOR HIS BODY.

-WHEN YOU PULL BACK LIKE THIS - SEE MY BACK MUSCLES WORKING?

SEE THAT?

NO, I LIKE HIM, TOO.

-YEAH, YOU LIKE HIS BODY.

-OH, MY GOD, I DO!

IT IS SUCH A GOOD BODY!

-JUST SO CRAZY.

-IN A GOOD WAY. -WHATEVER.

THE WAY I SEE IT, THE LESS INTERESTING A MAN IS

THE LESS LIKELY HE IS TO CHEAT ON YOU.

-WELL, DUH. I MEAN, NO ONE WANTS THE BORING ONES.

-I DO.

-DID YOUR HIGH SCHOOL BOYFRIEND CHEAT ON YOU

WITH THE ENTIRE CHEERLEADING SQUAD OR SOMETHING?

-NO.

-THEN WHY ARE YOU SO AFRAID OF GETTING CHEATED ON?

-I'M NOT! -RIGHT.

-HI, GINGER. HI, CASSIE.

-HI, SAM. -HEY, FOOTBALL PLAYER.

SO, YOU WANT TO GET CHANGED AND I'LL MEET YOU BY THE LOCKER ROOMS?

-OKAY. -HOW YOU FEELING, BY THE WAY?

-MY FAT TISSUES ARE SO SORE.

-PERFECT. -THANKS, COACH.

-IT'S TRAINER.

-YOU SHOULD DATE SAM.

HE WOULD NEVER CHEAT ON YOU.

-OH, PLEASE. A FOOTBALL PLAYER AND A TERRIBLE BODY?

THERE'S NO WAY. MNH-MNH.

OH, SO A GOOD BODY DOES MATTER?

-OH, MY GOD. SAM!

YES, I CAN TAKE SAM.

THAT WOULD TOTALLY PISS STEPHAN OFF.

HE HATES FAT PEOPLE.

-NO, NO, NO. DON'T TAKE SAM. BE NICE TO SAM.

I AM BEING NICE. I'M TAKING HIM OUT.

PLUS, HE'S MET STEPHAN BEFORE.

HE'D BE INTO GETTING BACK AT HIM WITH ME.

-NO, JUST TAKE SOMEONE ELSE.

-WHY? I'LL BE HONEST WITH HIM FROM THE START.

I'LL LET HIM KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON.

-YOU HAVE TO BE. -THIS IS SO PERFECT.

HEY, SO, I KIND OF HAVE THIS FAVOR TO ASK.

-YEAH?

-WELL, I DON'T KNOW

IF YOU ALREADY HAVE PLANS FOR TOMORROW NIGHT,

BUT I HAVE THESE EXTRA TICKETS TO THIS POETRY READING.

-NO, THANKS.

-EXCUSE ME?

-YEAH, NOT REALLY INTERESTED.

-OKAY. -POETRY?

-YEAH. -WITH YOU?

-YEAH. -NO.

-OKAY, I JUST WANTED TO -- WHATEVER, IT DOESN'T MATTER.

-ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! OF COURSE I'LL GO WITH YOU!

-WAIT. REALLY?

-YEAH.

-OKAY, BUT I SHOULD TELL YOU A LITTLE BIT ABOUT IT.

-DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. I'M ON BOARD.

-NO, I REALLY SHOULD -- -YOU'RE GONNA BE THERE, RIGHT?

-YES, BUT --

-WAIT A SECOND. IS THIS A DARE?

-NO. -SOME SORT OF JOKE?

-NO, IT'S NOTHING LIKE THAT.

IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THESE EXTRA TICKETS

TO THIS POETRY READING, AND I WOULD LIKE TO GO WITH YOU,

BUT, UM...

YOU KNOW, AS FRIENDS, NOT LIKE A DATE DATE.

-YEAH, FRIENDS, OF COURSE.

OOH, WHAT SHOULD I WEAR?

SHOULD I GET A NEW OUTFIT?

-NO, YOU DEFINITELY DON'T NEED TO GET A NEW OUTFIT.

IT'S VERY CASUAL, SO JUST DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

-OKAY.

-OKAY.

-VERY GOOD.

NOW, WITH YOUR ARM, PUSH YOUR HIPS SIDEWAYS

AND GO BACK, SWINGING BACK AND FORTH.

-I GOT A DATE! I GOT A DATE!

I GOT A D-D-D-D-D-DATE! I GOT A DATE!

-OKAY.

-WAIT. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

-YOU'RE IN THE GYM SO MUCH I GOTTA DO SOMETHING TO KEEP UP.

HOW WAS YOUR WORKOUT? YOU STILL LOOK FAT.

-THAT MAY BE, BUT THIS FAT-ASS JUST SCORED A DATE WITH HIS HOT-ASS TRAINER.

OH, MY GOD, I CAN'T WAIT FOR YOU TO MEET HER.

SHE'S SMART, FUNNY, BEAUTIFUL,

AND SHE'S READ JUST ABOUT EVERY SINGLE BOOK.

-"JAMES AND THE GIANT PEACH"? -TWICE.

-IS THIS THE SHIT THAT MAKES YOUR PISS SMELL?

-YOU'RE THINKING ASPARAGUS, SWEETHEART.

THAT -- THAT'S BROCCOLI. -STILL NASTY.

ANYWAY, GO ON ABOUT THIS THING YOU'RE GONNA SCREW UP.

-I'M NOT GONNA SCREW UP THE DATE 'CAUSE TECHNICALLY IT'S NOT A DATE.

-WAIT, WHAT?

-YEAH, SHE SPECIFICALLY SAID IT'S NOT A "DATE".

I THINK SHE'S TRYING TO COVER FOR HERSELF

BECAUSE SHE'S MY TRAINER, IN CASE THE DATE GOES BAD,

BUT WE BOTH KNOW THAT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN, RIGHT?

-I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO TAKE WHAT YOU JUST SAID.

-HEY, WHERE'S LaSHAWNA?

-OH, SHE'S OUT TANNING WITH GINGER.

-BUT SHE'S... -BLACK? YEAH, I KNOW.

SHE LIKES THOSE TRIANGLE THINGS ON HER BOOBS.

-TAN LINES?

-SHE SHOULD NOT BE TANNING IN HER CONDITION.

-BEING BLACK IS NOT A CONDITION, MILES.

-NO, BUT BEING PREGNANT IS.

-PREGNANT? LaSHAWNA?

-YEAH. -YOU?

-YEAH. -OH, GOD, IT'S IS AWESOME!

COME HERE, BUDDY. -WHAT IS THIS?

-THAT'S AWESOME, BUDDY.

-YEAH, I'M NOT WORRIED ABOUT IT, THOUGH,

'CAUSE WE'RE GONNA DO THE OLD VACUUM ROUTE, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

-REALLY? -YEAH. YOU KNOW HOW YOU ALREADY KNOW

YOU'RE GONNA SCREW UP YOUR DATE?

I ALREADY KNOW I'M GONNA SCREW UP FATHERHOOD.

SO FUCK IT. CUT IT CLEAN.

-MILES, I'M NOT GONNA SCREW UP MY DATE.

AND YOU'RE GONNA BE OKAY.

-I KNOW I'M GONNA BE OKAY, BUT THAT'S BECAUSE

I'M GONNA CONVINCE HER WE NEED TO GET THE BIG "A."

THE GOOD NEWS IS SHE'S DEFINITELY GONNA LOSE THE WEIGHT WAR.

SO THAT'S GOOD, RIGHT?

CHEERS TO THAT? -CHEERS.

MMM.

MMM.

YOU KNOW IT'S JUST A TASTE, RIGHT?

-OH, YEAH.

TURNS OUT YOU CAN GET PREGNANT THAT WAY.

-OR MAKE YOURSELF LOOK PREGNANT.

IS THAT WHAT IT IS? THAT'S WHAT IT IS.

MMM. MMM.

YOU WANNA FUCK?

SO, ABOUT THE...DO-DO-DO...

-...WE GOT SOME OPTIONS.

-YEAH, LIKE, WHETHER WE GET MARRIED BEFORE OR AFTER.

-FUNNY. YEAH, RIGHT.

NO, I WAS THINKING, LIKE, BIRTHING OPTIONS.

-BIRTHING OPTION.

DEFINITELY HAVING THIS IN A HOSPITAL.

I'M NOT GONNA DO A MIDWIFE TELLING ME TO HAVE MY BABY

IN THE BATHTUB -- BLOOP, BLOOP, BLOOP -- LIKE A LITTLE FISH

AND PLACENTA SPLASHING ALL OVER THE PLACE.

I DON'T DO SPLASHING PLACENTA.

YEAH, NO NATURALE FOR ME, HONEY.

GIVE ME THE DRUGS!

-RIGHT, YEAH. DRUGS -- DRUG IT UP.

- DRUG IT UP.

SO CRAZY. WELL, BABY, GOOD NIGHT.

-GOOD -- GOOD NIGHT.

SO, I'M JUST THINKING, LIKE, OPTIONS, YOU KNOW, PAIN-WISE.

YOU KNOW, WHAT -- WHAT ARE THERE?

WHAT DO WE WANT TO DO HERE,

'CAUSE I DON'T WANT YOU GOING THROUGH THE PAIN.

-RIGHT, SO THE ONLY OPTION IS DRUGS.

SO, GREAT. OKAY.

-I'M THINKING, LIKE,

LOOK AT THE WHOLE CIRCLE OF CHOICE, YOU KNOW,

IN WHICH WE CAN GO SO MANY WAYS.

DO YOU WANT -- HERE'S WHERE WE ARE --

DO WE WANT TO HAVE A KID, DO WE NOT WANT TO HAVE --

-WHOA! WHOA, WHOA. HOLD ON. WHAT?

-THERE'S MORE. -NO, HOLD ON.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, 'CAUSE I'M NOT...

-I'M JUST SAYING, LIKE, AS FAR AS PAIN-WISE, FOR YOU...

-- RIGHT. OH, FOR ME?

-DO WE WANT TO, YOU KNOW, HAVE, IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT...

-NO, WE HAVING THE DAMN BABY, MILES!

-RIGHT.

YEAH, NO, I'M -- -GOOD NIGHT.

-HI, EXCUSE ME.

WHICH WAY TO THE BATHROOM?

GREAT, THANKS. -MM-HMM.

-HI.

UH, CAN I ASK YOU FOR A BIG FAVOR?

-SURE.

-CAN YOU WATCH MY BABY FOR ONE QUICK SECOND?

HE'LL BE FINE. JUST MAKE SURE NOBODY RUNS OFF WITH HIM.

-OH-KAY.

-YES? -YEAH.

-THANK YOU SO MUCH.

-HEY, BUDDY.

OH, HEY, WHAT ARE YOU SO HAPPY ABOUT?

WHAT ARE YOU SO HAPPY ABOUT?

OH!

-OOH. -THIS IS CUTE.

-I HATE BABIES.

-I LOVE BABIES.

GUESS WHAT?

GUESS WHO HAS A BIG DATE WITH CASSIE LATER?

THAT'S RIGHT, THE BIG FELLA.

-WHAT AM I DOING?

I SHOULD HAVE JUST TOLD HIM THE TRUTH.

HE SEEMED TO BE SO EXCITED.

-OH, MY GOD. THIS IS GONNA BE SO FUN.

I'M SO EXCITED!

-YEAH.

-I DIDN'T DRESS UP. -NO, I CAN SEE THAT.

-BUT YOU DRESSED UP.

-NO, THIS IS JUST...WHAT I WEAR.

-IT'S NICE.

-THANKS.

THE T-THING ABOUT THE POETRY READING

IS IT'S -- IT'S REALLY JUST GONNA BE...

...REALLY BORING?

-OBVIOUSLY. IT'S POETRY.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, THOUGH. I'M IN.

-YOU WANT TO JUST, UM -- YOU WANT TO GO GET A DRINK?

-UH...

I SHOULD HAVE DRESSED UP, HUH?

THIS WAS A TEST.

-THIS WAS NOT A TEST.

UM...

I JUST DON'T FEEL MUCH LIKE GOING TO POETRY TONIGHT.

-CAN I PICK THE BAR?

-SURE.

-♪ I REALLY WANT YOU BY MY SIDE ♪

-YOU GUYS GOT ONE BREWSKI, ONE H2O-SKI.

-HOW MUCH IS IT? -$6.50.

-HERE, I'LL PAY FOR IT. -NO, NO, I GOT IT, I GOT IT.

-I FEEL BAD. YOU ONLY GOT A WATER.

YEAH, BUT I'M ON A DIET, REMEMBER?

PLUS, I THINK A GUY SHOULD ALWAYS PAY.

AND IF I DON'T DRINK, I'M MUCH MORE PLEASANT.

CHEERS. -OKAY, CHEERS.

BUT ABOUT THIS DIET THING, IT REALLY IS JUST ABOUT BALANCE.

YOU CAN HAVE A DRINK ONCE IN A WHILE.

YOU JUST HAVE TO BALANCE IT WITH SOMETHING HEALTHY,

SO IF YOU HAVE A DRINK, YOU HAVE A SALAD.

-SALADE?

WHAT, IS THAT, LIKE, SPANISH OR SOMETHING?

BECAUSE I CAN'T HAVE MUCH MEXICAN FOOD.

SALADA.

-SAH-LAD. -SAH-LAD.

-SALLAD? -SALLAD.

-SALAD? -SALAD.

-SALAD!

-ARE YOU REALLY GONNA GET UP THERE?

YEAH, YOU KIDDING ME?

JUST GO UP THERE AND DO ONE DUET WITH ME.

-NO. MNH-MNH. -WHY NOT?

-WELL, ONE, BECAUSE I DON'T DO DUETS, AND TWO,

BECAUSE I DON'T SING IN PUBLIC, AND THREE,

BECAUSE I DON'T SING IN PRIVATE.

YOU KNOW, THE MORE YOU LET YOURSELF GO,

THE LESS OTHERS WANT TO LET YOU GO.

-I'VE HEARD THAT LINE BEFORE. WHAT'S THAT FROM?

-UH, YEAH. I WAS READING NEITSCHE,

AND THAT LINE KIND OF STUCK OUT ON ME.

-WAIT, WHAT?

-YEAH, I PICKED UP SOME OF THOSE BOOKS

'CAUSE I WAS CURIOUS -- THAT FRIEDRICH NEITSCHE.

-OH, FRIEDRICH NIETZSCHE.

-WAIT, HOW DO YOU PRONOUNCE IT?

-THERE'S TWO WAYS TO PRONOUNCE IT.

IT'S EITHER FREDERICK NEE-CHAY OR FREDERICK NEE-CHA --

LIKE PIZZA.

- OH.

I'M GOING WITH THE PIZZA REFERENCE, FER SURE.

PIZZA. NEE-CHA. I LIKE THAT.

-SAM! YOU'RE UP ON THE MIKE.

-ALL RIGHT.

SURE YOU DON'T WANT TO GO UP WITH ME?

THERE'S STILL PLENTY OF TIME TO CHANGE THE SONG.

"ISLANDS IN THE STREAM"? -NO.

-"YOU DON'T BRING ME FLOWERS"? -JUST GETUP THERE.

ALL RIGHT. GET READY TO BE WOOED.

THIS ONE GOES OUT TO MY COACH AND FRED PIZZA.

FEEL FREE TO JOIN IN.

♪ WHY DO YOU BUILD ME UP -♪ BUILD ME UP

-♪ BUTTERCUP, BABY, JUST TO LET ME DOWN ♪

♪ AND MESS ME AROUND?

♪ AND THEN WORST OF ALL -♪ WORST OF ALL

-YOU NEVER CALL, BABY, WHEN YOU SAY YOU WILL ♪

♪ BUT I LOVE YOU STILL

♪ I NEED YOU

♪ MORE THAN ANYONE, DARLIN'

♪ YOU KNOW THAT I HAVE FROM THE START ♪

♪ SO BUILD ME UP, BUTTERCUP

♪ DON'T BREAK MY HEART

♪ I'LL BE OVER AT TEN

♪ YOU'VE TOLD ME TIME AND AGAIN ♪

♪ BUT YOU'RE LATE

♪ I WAIT AROUND AND THEN

♪ I RUN TO THE DOOR, I CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE ♪

♪ IT'S NOT YOU

♪ YOU LET ME DOWN AGAIN

-♪ HEY, HEY, HEY

-♪ AND, BABY, I TRY TO FIND

-♪ HEY, HEY, HEY

-♪ A LITTLE TIME, AND I'LL MAKE YOU HAPPY ♪

♪ I'LL BE HOME, I'LL BE BESIDE THE PHONE ♪

♪ WAITING FOR YOU

♪ OOH, OOH EVERYBODY!

-♪ OOH, OOH

-♪ WHY DO YOU BUILD ME UP -♪ BUILD ME UP

-♪ BUTTERCUP, BABY, JUST TO LET ME DOWN ♪

♪ AND MESS ME AROUND?

♪ AND THEN WORST OF ALL -♪ WORST OF ALL

-♪ YOU NEVER CALL, BABY, WHEN YOU SAY YOU WILL ♪

-♪ SAY YOU WILL -♪ BUT I LOVE YOU STILL

♪ I NEED YOU -♪ I NEED YOU

♪ MORE THAN ANYONE, DARLIN'

♪ YOU KNOW THAT I HAVE FROM THE START ♪

♪ SO BUILD ME UP -♪ BUILD ME UP

♪ BUTTERCUP, DON'T BREAK MY HEART ♪

THANKS...

-ACTUALLY, I HAD A REALLY GOOD TIME TONIGHT.

OH, WERE YOU PLANNING ON NOT HAVING A GOOD TIME TONIGHT?

-NO, I DIDN'T MEAN IT LIKE THAT.

I'M JUST SURPRISED.

-GOOD. I HAD A GOOD TIME, TOO.

WHO IS THAT GUY?

-STEPHAN.

-THAT'S THE GUY FROM THE BOWLING ALLEY, RIGHT?

-I HAVE TO GO TALK TO HIM. I'M SORRY.

-YEAH, OKAY. COOL.

-SO, WHAT, SEE YOU -- NOT TOMORROW BUT THURSDAY MORNING?

-YEAH, BRIGHT AND EARLY.

-THANK YOU. I HAD FUN.

-LET ME GET THE DOOR FOR YOU. -OH, I GOT IT.

THANK YOU.

-FUCK.

-BE READY, YOU'RE GOING TO REACH TO THE SIDES.

YOU'RE GONNA REACH YOUR ARMS ON THE SIDES.

REACH TO THE SIDES. GOOD.

MAKE SURE YOU'RE IN...

ALL THE WAY HIGH -- REACH.

GOOD.

VERY GOOD.

FEEL IT -- TO THE SIDES.

-I TRIED TO CALL YOU.

-TURNED OFF MY PHONE.

-WHAT'S IN THE BAG?

-NOTHING.

-YOU BLOW YOUR DATE? -WORSE, I GOT SWOOPED.

YOU DON'T WANNA TALK ABOUT IT? NO?

COOL, ME NEITHER.

-DON'T JUDGE ME, MEATBALL.

-I'M SORRY ABOUT THE OTHER NIGHT.

-NO NEED TO APOLOGIZE.

-I FEEL BAD ABOUT IT.

-NAH, NO WORRIES.

SO, UH, WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH HIM?

-NOTHING, WE'RE JUST GOING THROUGH A ROUGH PATCH.

-HMM. SEEMS KIND OF NERDY.

THAT'S WHAT I LIKE ABOUT HIM.

FOR THE MOST PART.

-FOR THE MOST PART?

WHAT'S THE SMALL PART YOU DON'T LIKE? HA!

-I DON'T KNOW.

I GUESS HE'S NEVER GONNA BE THE KIND OF GUY

TO WIN ME A GIANT TEDDY BEAR AT A FAIR OR ANYTHING.

I ALWAYS WIN THAT GIANT TEDDY BEAR.

HECK, I AM A GIANT TEDDY BEAR.

-YOU KNOW, IF YOUR KNEE DOESN'T HURT TO WALK ON IT,

YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO RUN ON IT.

-REALLY?

IT STILL FEELS A LITTLE TIGHT.

-YEAH, WELL, I THINK THAT'S MOSTLY IN YOUR HEAD.

YOU SHOULD GET THE DOCTOR TO LOOK AT IT AGAIN.

-YEAH.

-SO, YOU READY FOR A JOG? -YEAH.

-ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO.

YOUR KNEE IS FINE. COME ON.

COME ON.

REALLY?

THIS IS AS FAST AS YOU CAN GO?

-I'M MOVING.

I'M TELLING YOU, I THINK YOUR KNEE IS FINE.

-I'M GOING AS FAST AS I CAN. -FINE.

-SO, WHY DID YOU GIVE UP FOOTBALL?

-WHILE I WAS REHABBING, MY MOTHER DIED, AND --

I DON'T KNOW, I GUESS BECAUSE

SHE GAVE UP EVERYTHING TO RAISE ME.

SHE WORKED, LIKE, THREE JOBS, HAD NO LIFE.

I JUST REALLY WANTED TO MAKE IT TO THE NFL SO I COULD PAY HER BACK.

BUT AFTER SHE DIED, I JUST STOPPED PLAYING 'CAUSE SHE JUST WASN'T THERE.

-HOW DID SHE DIE? -HEART ATTACK.

SHE WAS BIG LIKE ME.

-WHAT ABOUT YOUR DAD?

-CAR ACCIDENT WHEN I WAS 10.

A LITTLE TOO MUCH OF GRANDPA'S COUGH SYRUP

AT THE WHEEL.

-DO YOU HAVE ANY OTHER FAMILY?

-MM. MEATBALL.

-WHAT'S A MEATBALL?

IT'S SOMETHING YOU PUT IN SPAGHETTI. IT'S DELICIOUS.

IT'S ALSO MY GOLDFISH.

-SO, WHAT DO YOU DO ON HOLIDAYS?

-HANG OUT WITH FRIENDS FOR THANKSGIVING.

DON'T REALLY CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS.

-HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?

I'M JEWISH, AND EVEN I CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS.

WELL, WHEN YOU DON'T HAVE ANY FAMILY,

IT MAKES THE GIFT GIVING A LITTLE ONE SIDED.

BUT THAT MAKES ME THE PERFECT CANDIDATE

TO BECOME A C.I.A. AGENT...

OR A NINJA.

SO, WHAT ARE YOU DOING LATER TONIGHT?

-NO PLANS. YOU?

-WANT TO SEE A MOVIE...

JUST AS FRIENDS?

-JUST AS FRIENDS?

-JUST AS FRIENDS.

-OKAY. -YES!

-JUST AS FRIENDS.

-JUST AS FRIENDS.

-KEVIN COSTNER.

-ADAM SANDLER.

-HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT?

THAT'S FOUR OUT OF FOUR. YOU'RE GOOD AT THIS.

-I'M ABOUT TO BE FIVE FOR FIVE -- "TITANIC."

-OH, THAT DOESN'T COUNT. IT'S ALWAYS "TITANIC."

-JUST SO YOU KNOW, ABOUT 20 MINUTES INTO THE FILM,

I'M GONNA DO THE OLD ARM-AND-YAWN MOVE.

-THANKS FOR THE HEADS-UP.

I THOUGHT WE WERE JUST HERE AS FRIENDS.

-YEAH, FRIENDS. OF COURSE.

THAT'S WHY I WAS GIVING YOU THE FRIENDLY WARNING.

-OH, THANK YOU.

ANY OTHER SURPRISES IN STORE FOR ME THIS EVENING?

-NOPE, THAT'S ALL I GOT.

SADLY, THIS IS MY "A" GAME.

THAT IS SAD. MAYBE YOU SHOULD --

-YOU DON'T TALK DURING THE PREVIEWS?

-NEVER.

-GOD, YOU WENT THROUGH SO MUCH TROUBLE

TO MAKE ALL OF THIS.

HOW CAN I MAKE IT UP TO YOU?

LET'S EAT, AND WE'LL FIGURE OUT A WAY.

CHIN CHIN.

-WHAT THE HELL YOU DOING BACK HERE?

-GETTING SOME EXTRA CARDIO IN.

-HOW DID THE THING WITH CASSIE GO?

-WHAT?

-HOW DID THE THING WITH CASSIE GO?

-AWESOME! -YEAH?

-IT'S SO WEIRD 'CAUSE WE'RE SO OPPOSITE IN SO MANY WAYS.

-RIGHT, YOU'RE FAT, SHE'S SKINNY.

YOU LOVE HER, SHE HATES YOU. YEAH.

-RIGHT, I MEAN, I DON'T KNOW WHY SHE LIKES

HANGING OUT WITH ME, BUT I FIGURE, DON'T ASK.

-IT'S KIND OF OBVIOUS.

-WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

-DADDY ISSUES.

-HUH?

-NO? OKAY, PICTURE THIS.

AVERAGE GUY IS WALKING DOWN THE STREET.

HE'S WALKING BY ALL THESE BEAUTIFUL GIRLS,

AND ALL HE'S THINKING ABOUT

IS TRYING TO HOOK UP, FEEL UP, SCREW, BANG, DATE --

WHATEVER YOU WANT TO CALL IT.

ONE DAY, HE FINALLY SNAGS ONE, LOCKS IT DOWN,

GETS MARRIED, THE WHOLE NINE YARDS.

BANG! WIFEY SHOOTS OUT A KID,

BUT NOT JUST A KID -- A BABY GIRL.

WELL, WHAT IN THE HELL IS HE SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THIS?

THIS IS THE SAME TYPE OF CREATURE

HE WAS JUST TRYING TO NAIL A FEW MONTHS AGO.

NOW HE'S SUPPOSED TO RAISE IT? HOW?

WELL, SINCE HE'S A DUDE,

HE DOES WHAT MOST DUDES DO AND IGNORES IT, YOU KNOW, LIKE LAUNDRY.

BUT IT KEEPS GROWING, AND EVENTUALLY

IT TURNS INTO THIS PRE-TEEN SHE-DEMON HORMONAL BITCH.

ADIóS, PAPA BEAR, AND HELLO, DADDY ISSUES.

SO, WHAT'S THE ISSUE?

SHE WANTS A DADDY WHO LOVES HER. EVERY GIRL DOES.

AND WHEN SHE DOESN'T GET THAT, SHE STARTS PLAYING THIS TWISTED GAME

WHERE SHE FINDS ANY GUY THAT REMINDS HER OF HER FATHER

AND TRIES TO DO WHATEVER SHE CAN TO EARN HIS AFFECTION.

THIS IS WHY YOU SEE HOT CHICKS WITH JACKASSES.

SHE'S CONVINCED IF SHE CAN JUST GET THAT GUY TO LOVE HER,

IT'D BE THE SAME FEELING AS HAVING HER OWN DADDY LOVE HER.

OF COURSE, IT NEVER WORKS OUT THAT WAY.

SHE JUST ENDS UP IN A STRING OF BAD RELATIONSHIPS

WITH DUDES THAT ARE IDIOTS.

I'M NOT SAYING YOU'RE AN IDIOT.

I'M JUST SAYING THERE'S AN OBVIOUS MISMATCH

BETWEEN THE TWO OF YOU.

SO A LOGICAL CONCLUSION IS THAT CASSIE HAS SOME DADDY ISSUES.

NOW YOU MIGHT THINK THIS IS FINE

BECAUSE YOU'RE GETTING TO DATE SOME HOT CHICK

WAY OUT OF YOUR LEAGUE, BUT HERE'S THE DEAL.

THE ULTIMATE GOAL FOR THESE GIRLS

IS TO GET SOME REVENGE.

ONCE SHE GETS A GUY LIKE YOU TO LOVE HER,

SHE'S GONNA TAKE CONTROL AND WALK OUT,

JUST LIKE HER FATHER DID.

-WOW. -YEP.

-SPEAKING OF FATHERS...

HOW ARE THINGS WITH YOU AND LaSHAWNA?

-THEY'RE GOOD. THEY'RE GOOD. THEY'RE REALLY GOOD.

UM, WE DECIDED TOGETHER THAT WE'RE GONNA KEEP IT --

KEEP THE BABY -- SO...

-WOW. CONGRATULATIONS.

-YEAH. YEAH.

OF COURSE, IF IT'S A GIRL, IT'S GONNA HAVE MAJOR DADDY ISSUES.

IT WAS A...JOKE. GO AHEAD AND RUN.

I'LL SEE YA.

-YAY!

-YEAH, I DON'T KNOW.

OH.

-ALL RIGHT, ONE MORE SET.

-WHAT ARE YOU DOING SUNDAY NIGHT?

-NOTHING. YOU?

YOU WANT TO GO OUT?

-SURE. YOU WANT TO SEE A MOVIE?

-A DATE. -WHAT?

-A REAL DATE.

NOT AS FRIENDS.

A DATE DATE.

-OH.

I DON'T KNOW, SAM.

I KIND OF LIKE THE WAY THINGS ARE NOW.

-I'M JUST SO CONFUSED.

WE HAVE A GOOD TIME TOGETHER. -WE DO.

-IF IT'S MY WEIGHT, YOU KNOW I'M TRYING TO WORK IT OFF.

-IT'S NOT THAT. -WHAT IS IT THEN?

-I JUST FEEL LIKE THINGS ARE UNFINISHED WITH STEPHAN.

-WELL, YOU'RE NOT SEEING HIM NOW.

I KNOW 'CAUSE I SEE YOU EVERY DAY.

-NO, BUT I KNOW OUR RELATIONSHIP,

AND WE'RE GONNA GET BACK TOGETHER.

-WELL, YOU'RE NOT TOGETHER NOW.

WE STILL HAVE TIME TO GO ON ONE DATE.

AND IF IT'S HORRIBLE,

WE'LL FORGET THIS THING EVER HAPPENED.

BUT IF IT'S GOOD...

ALL RIGHT, ONE DATE. -YES!

ARE YOU GONNA GET A NEW OUTFIT?

-NO.

MAYBE. NO. NO.

CAN YOU JUST DO 10 MORE, PLEASE?

-OKAY.

HEY, DUDE.

-WHAT'S UP?

-GUESS WHO'S GOT A DATE WITH CASSIE TONIGHT?

-HEARD THIS ONE BEFORE.

WELL, THIS TIME IT'S OFFICIAL OFFICIAL.

-RIGHT.

-IT IS. -WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?

-WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?

-AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO BE WORKING THE FRONT DESK TODAY?

-I SWITCHED WITH WENDY.

-YOU'RE HAVING A KID.

-SHH. YEAH, THANK YOU FOR REMINDING ME.

ANYWAY...

-BE SMART, MILES. LaSHAWNA LOVES YOU.

SHE'S GONNA BE THE MOTHER OF YOUR CHILD.

IT WOULDN'T HURT YOU TO TRY TO MAKE THIS RELATIONSHIP WORK.

-YOU'RE RIGHT. IT WOULDN'T HURT ME.

THANK YOU, DR. SAM.

-ALL I'M SAYING IS, DON'T PRESS THE NUCLEAR BUTTON

JUST BECAUSE YOU RAN OVER A FEW SPEED BUMPS.

-I'M HAVING A KID.

THAT'S A NUCLEAR BOMB.

SO THAT BUTTON HAS ALREADY BEEN PUSHED -- REALLY HARD.

AND THERE ARE CERTAIN TRUTHS TO LIFE,

LIKE I'M GONNA SCREW UP FATHERHOOD.

YOU'RE GONNA SCREW UP THIS THING WITH CASSIE.

TYSON'S GONNA SCREW ANY GIRL HE WANTS,

MOST LIKELY WITH HIS SHIRT OFF.

IT'S JUST THE WAY THE WORLD WORKS, MAN. YOU GOT TO ROLL WITH IT.

-I'M NOT GONNA SCREW THIS THING UP WITH CASSIE.

-RIGHT. PROVE ME WRONG. I GOTTA PISS.

-I'M NOT GONNA SCREW THIS THING UP WITH CASSIE!

I'M NOT.

-LOOKS LIKE YOU GOT THE WRONG BATHROOM..

UNLESS YOU WANT TO USE ONE OF THOSE...

WHICH I DON'T RECOMMEND.

-SO...

UH...

AH, THE OL' ZIPPER.

UP AND DOWN.

ZIPPER.

-ZIPPER. -ZIPPER GOES UP AND DOWN.

-♪ I JUST CAN'T LOVE YOU ANYMORE ♪

- AND DOWN.

-♪ BUT I'M NOT QUITE OVER YOU

♪ I GUESS I'M NOT QUITE OVER YOU ♪

♪ AND ALL THE PAIN YOU PUT ME THROUGH ♪

-OH, ROUGH.

-♪ BUT AS YOU DRAG MY HEART ALONG... ♪

I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY. I CAN'T DO THIS.

-WHY NOT?

-I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND.

-SO? -NO, NO, NO.

THERE'S SOMETHING YOU SHOULD KNOW --

SHE'S PREGNANT.

- SO? - WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

I WANT TO MAKE IT WORK WITH HER.

SO...

SORRY.

YOU WANT, UH -- YEAH, THIS IS YOURS, YEAH.

THIS --

WHAT?

UM, THANK YOU.

I HATE YOU. YEAH.

-I'M NOT GONNA SCREW UP MY DATE WITH CASSIE!

I'M GONNA BLOW IT WITH CASSIE, HUH?

-YOU'RE GONNA DO FINE, OKAY?

LISTEN TO ME.

IF I CAN TURN DOWN

A CRAZY-ASS DRUNK GIRL IN A BATHROOM,

YOU CAN HANDLE A LITTLE DATE.

AH, TA-DA. HUH? -IT'S A DRINK.

-ITA DRINK. I FIGURE YOU HAVE ONE, MAYBE LOOSEN YOU UP A BIT.

BUT JUST ONE, OKAY?

-WHOA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

-I LIVE HERE. -YOU HAVE TO EXCUSE

MY IRRATIONAL, PREGNANT GIRLFRIEND, SAM.

-REALLY? -YEAH, YOU GONNA WALK AROUND IN YOUR UNDERWEAR LIKE THAT?

-WELL, YEAH, I'M SURE IT'S NOTHING HE AIN'T SEEN BEFORE.

YOU HA SEEN A GIRL IN HER UNDERWEAR BEFORE, RIGHT?

-OF COURSE HE HAS, AND HE WILL AGAIN TONIGHT. RIGHT?

SEE, HONEY, SAM HERE IS NERVOUS AS SHIT,

SO I FIGURE IF WE HAVE A LITTLE DRINK, IT'LL LOOSEN HIM UP A BIT.

-THAT'S A BAD IDEA.

-A BAD IDEA, I KNOW.

IT'S AN AWFUL IDEA,

BUT IT'S THE ONLY ONE I'VE GOT.

-EXACTLY. -JUST ONE DRINK.

-ONE DRINK. -SUCH A BAD IDEA.

-WE'RE DOING IT. ONE DRINK.

-JUST ONE DRINK.

-ONE DRINK. -ONE DRINK.

-ARE YOU OKAY, SAM?

-I'M FINE, CASSIE.

YOUR NAME HAS "ASS" IN IT.

WHAT A MIGHTY FINE ONE YOU HAVE.

YOUR ASS, NOT YOUR NAME. YOUR NAME IS KIND OF WEIRD.

-ARE WE READY TO ORDER?

-YES. I WOULD LIKE THE CAESAR SALAD TO START,

AND THEN I WILL HAVE THE FILET MEDIUM RARE,

AND CAN YOU HOLD THE GREEN, SPINACHY STUFF THAT COMES ON THE SIDE?

I DON'T WANT THAT. BUT I WILL DOUBLE UP ON THE CREAMY MASHED POTATOES.

THANK YOU. -VERY GOOD.

AND FOR THE LADY?

-I WILL HAVE A GRILLED CHICKEN AND SOME ASPARAGUS, PLEASE.

JUST NO SAUCE ON THE ASPARAGUS.

-PERFECT. AND CAN I GET SOMETHING FOR YOU TO START WITH?

-NO, THANK YOU. -HAVE YOU DECIDED ON A BOTTLE OF WINE?

-I THINK WE'RE OKAY. -...TO ORDER ONE!

WHY DON'T YOU GO GET US A BOTTLE OF RED, HUH?

SOMETHING EASY ON THE WALLET, KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

THIS THING AIN'T GUARANTEED?

-I THINK THAT I DO.

I'LL JUST BRING YOU THE HOUSE CAB, OKAY?

-PER-FECT.

-OKAY, I'LL BE BACK WITH YOUR WINE.

YOU KNOW, I WAS JUST KIDDING

ON THE WHOLE "NOT GUARANTEED" THING.

HEY, REMEMBER WHEN I SAID "SAH-LAD"

LIKE I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT?

THAT WAS FUNNY.

I'M REALLY FUNNY.

-SAM, WHAT'S GOING ON?

-I DON'T KNOW. YOU TELL ME -- WHAT IS GOING ON?

-I THOUGHT YOU WANTED TO HAVE A NICE DINNER.

-I THOUGHT WE WERE.

-YOU'RE DRUNK.

-YEAH, BUT YOU CAN CATCH UP.

YOU KNOW, THAT IS A GOOD QUESTION.

WHAT IS GOING ON?

WHY ARE YOU OUT HERE WITH ME?

-YOU ASKED ME OUT.

-AND YOU SAID YES BECAUSE...?

WHAT? DO YOU FEEL BAD FOR ME?

-HERE WE ARE. I THINK YOU TWO WILL LIKE THIS.

IT'S GOT A SLIGHT PEPPER TASTE,

SO IT'LL GO WELL WITH YOUR STEAK AND YOUR CHICKEN.

OKAY?

IT'S EASY ONT HE WALLET, AS WELL.

-AH!

GREAT.

-I'M OKAY, THANK YOU.

YOU KNOW, I-I THINK I'M ACTUALLY GONNA GET OUT OF HERE,

IF THAT'S OKAY WITH YOU.

YEP.

I REMIND YOU OF YOUR FATHER, RIGHT?

-WHAT?

-HE USED TO PLAY FOOTBALL, PROBABLY DRANK TOO MUCH.

-YES, AND HE WAS AN ASSHOLE, JUST LIKE YOU'RE BEING RIGHT NOW.

WHAT IS YOUR POINT? -MY POINT IS,

YOU JUST WANT TO RELIVE YOUR FAILED RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM.

BUT THIS TIME, YOU JUST WANT TO TAKE CONTROL AND WALK OUT.

-MY FAILED RELATIONSHIP? SAM, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

-YOU'RE TRYING TO USE ME TO SOLVE YOUR DADDY ISSUES.

-YES, AND THAT ALL MAKES SENSE EXCEPT FOR THE FACT

THAT I HAD NO IDEA THAT YOU WERE A LOUSY DRUNK OR AN ASSHOLE UNTIL TONIGHT.

AND THE FACT IS, SAM, YOU'RE NOT A FOOTBALL PLAYER.

YOU WORK AT A BOWLING ALLEY, WHICH IS FINE.

AND DESPITE WHAT'S GOING ON HERE TONIGHT, I KNOW YOU'RE A REALLY NICE GUY.

SO IN REALITY, NO, YOU'RE REALLY NOTHING LIKE MY FATHER.

PERHAPS YOU SHOULD START LOOKING AT YOUR OWN ISSUES

BEFORE YOU START TELLING OTHER PEOPLE ABOUT THEIRS.

AND FOR THE RECORD, I CAME HERE TONIGHT

BECAUSE I ACTUALLY LIKE YOU -- JUST THE WAY YOU ARE.

-HOW ARE WE DOING? -I'M LEAVING.

-SHOULD I HOLD HER ORDER THEN?

-NO. YOU CAN BRING IT.

I'LL EAT IT, TOO.

SHE HAS DADDY ISSUES.

WOMEN.

MEATBALL...

MEATBALL?

MEATBALL!

MEATBALL, LOOK AT ME.

MEATBALL, I'VE BEEN STARVING YOU THIS WHOLE TIME, BUDDY.

IT'S NOT YOU THAT HAS TO GO ON A DIET, IT'S ME.

I'M THE ONE WHO HAS TO GO ON A DIET.

HERE, YOU WANT SOME FOOD? HUH?

YOU WANT SOME?

LET ME GIVE YOU A LITTLE DESSERT, HUH?

THERE YOU GO, BUDDY. YOU LIKE THAT?

MEATBALL.

FOOD! EAT IT!

I'M GONNA GO EAT IT.

SHIT.

HEY.

-HEY.

-I CAME TO APOLOGIZE.

-YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO.

-LOOK, I MESSED UP.

I'M SORRY. -IT'S OKAY.

-IT'S JUST EVERYTHING WAS GOING SO GOOD,

BUT I WAS NERVOUS ABOUT GOING OUT WITH YOU,

AND I WANTED TO IMPRESS YOU, SO...

I STARTED DRINKING.

-APOLOGY ACCEPTED.

-WE HAD FUN.

-YEAH, WE DID.

-A BUNCH OF US ARE PLAYING POKER AT MY HOUSE LATER,

IF YOU WANT TO COME.

-SURE.

-SO, I'LL SEE YOU THEN?

-OKAY.

-OKAY.

-IT'S A FIVE-CARD DRAW, KIDS, SO GET LOOSE AND COMFORTABLE.

THAT'S THE NAME OF THE GAME -- LOOSE AND COMFORTABLE.

-SO, HOW FAR ALONG ARE YOU, ANYWAYS?

-GOTTA BE AT LEAST SIX MONTHS.

-WE DON'T KNOW YET, OKAY?

WE JUST GOT ALL THAT INSURANCE STUFF WORKED OUT.

BUT WE HAVE OUR FIRST DOCTOR'S APPOINTMENT TOMORROW!

-THAT'S RIGHT -- WE HAVE OUR FIRST DOCTOR'S APPOINTMENT TOMORROW.

I'M NOT LETTING HER GO ALONE. I'VE SEEN PORNOS. I KNOW WHAT HAPPENS.

TYSON, YOU CAN BACK ME UP ON THIS. -YEAH, FOR SURE.

-YOU GUYS ARE DUMB-ASSES.

-IT'S OKAY, SAM.

YOU INVITED HER. I'M SURE SHE'LL COME.

-YEAH.

-THANK YOU SO MUCH, HONEY, FOR BEING HERE.

I REALLY APPRECIATE IT. -YEAH, OF COURSE.

-MMM. MMM.

-HOW MANY OF THOSE HAVE YOU HAD TODAY?

-I'M EATING FOR TWO, MILES.

-OKAY, RELAX.

OH, COME ON, MAN. WHERE THE HELL IS THIS GUY?

-HE HAS A LOT OF PATIENTS -- UNLIKE YOU.

GET OFF THE CHAIR!

WHAT ARE YOU, A KID? -WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?

-IT'S THE DOCTOR'S CHAIR. -SO?

-DO YOU HAVE A PhD? -NO.

OKAY, THAT'S THE DIFFERENCE.

-GOOD AFTERNOON.

-GOOD AFTERNOON. -DOCTOR.

UM, IS IT TWINS? IT FEELS LIKE TWINS.

-IT LOOKS LIKE TWINS. -LET ME ASK YOU TWO SOMETHING.

DID YOU GUYS BY ANY CHANCE

USE ONE OF THOSE HOME-PREGNANCY TESTS?

-MM-HMM. IT'S CALLED LOOKING IN THE MIRROR.

YEAH.

OKAY, WELL, WE RAN THE BLOOD TESTS,

AND WE DID THE TEST HERE,

AND IT LOOKS LIKE YOU, LaSHAWNA, ARE NOT PREGNANT.

-EXCUSE ME?

-IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE NOT PREGNANT.

-NO, IT LOOKS LIKE LaSHAWNA IS PREGNANT.

THAT'S WHY LaSHAWNA'S HERE,

BECAUSE IT LOOKS LIKE SHE'S PREGNANT.

-IT'S OKAY. HOLD ON. JUST LET ME JUMP IN ON THIS.

UM, SO YOU'RE SAYING THERE'S NO KID IN THERE?

-AT THE MOMENT, LaSHAWNA IS, UH, TOTALLY KID FREE.

-OKAY, UM...

BUT I'M SHOWING THE SYMPTOMS, SO...

-WELL, YOU KNOW, ACTUALLY, THERE CAN BE A LOT OF REASONS FOR SYMPTOMS

LIKE, UH, TENDER NIPPLES, VOMITING, CRAVINGS.

-LIKE WHAT?

-WELL, AN UNHEALTHY DIET, FOR STARTERS.

-SO, DOCTOR, LET ME JUST BE 100% WITH THIS.

AIN'T NOTHING IN THERE?

-NOTHING.

WELL, I'M SORRY. I'LL LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE.

-THANK YOU, DOCTOR.

YOU OKAY?

-I WILL BE.

-COME HERE. SORRY.

-IT'S FINE.

IT'S PROBABLY FOR THE BEST, RIGHT?

-YEAH, FOR SURE. I MEAN, WE CAN ALWAYS TRY AGAIN LATER.

-WHAT?

-LATER, WE CAN -- LATER IF WE WANT TO HAVE A KID,

WE CAN ALWAYS TRY... -TRY AGAIN?

-LATER, THOUGH, YEAH, BUT YES.

A LOT -- A LOT OF TIME BETWEEN FROM NOW TO THEN PROBABLY.

-YEAH. -SO DON'T BE BUMMED, OKAY?

- THANK YOU.

-OR TOO EXCITED.

SO, FUNNY STORY -- LaSHAWNA'S NOT PREGNANT.

-YOU GOT THE BIG "A," HUH?

-NO, NO. TURNS OUT SHE NEVER WAS.

-WELL, THAT'S GREAT NEWS, MILES.

-YEAH.

AND I KNOW IT'S PROBABLY GONNA SOUND STUPID TO YOU,

BUT I WAS ACTUALLY KIND OF LOOKING FORWARD TO IT,

NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT.

-YOU'D BE A HORRIBLE FATHER, MILES.

YOU EVEN SAID SO YOURSELF.

-FUCK YOU.

I'M SURE I WOULD SUCK, BUT YOU HAVE TO TRY, RIGHT?

OTHERWISE, WHAT'S THE POINT?

YOU GET THAT, RIGHT?

-LEAVE A FLOWER, SAM.

DON'T TRY TOO HARD.

OKAY, BIG FELLA. LET'S DO THIS.

-OH, OH, PERFECT.

EXCUSE ME. EXCUSE ME. COULD I ASK A HUGE FAVOR?

-SURE. -THAT'S A GIANT TEDDY BEAR.

-YEAH.

-YOU WORK AT THE BOWLING ALLEY, DON'T YOU?

-RIGHT.

I KNEW I RECOGNIZED YOU.

HERE -- THANK YOU -- COULD YOU JUST HOLD --

I'M TRYING TO HELP MY SON.

-OKAY.

-OH, HERE. -LOT OF STUFF YOU GOT THERE.

-WELL, MY BOYFRIEND WAS SUPPOSED TO BE HERE,

BUT AS ALWAYS, HE'S LATE.

OH, I NEVER THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD COME.

HE'S JUST INSIDE GETTING HER.

JUST, OKAY...

-OKAY, SHE'S COMING OUT ANY SECOND.

SHE'S JUST PUTTING ON HER SHOES.

DID YOU PROCURE THE FLOWERS, MOM?

-WHAT DO YOU THINK I'M HOLDING?

-AND THE SIGN -- PLEASE TELL ME YOU DID NOT MAKE IT FLOWERY.

-I MADE IT PRETTY.

-YEAH, I PRETTY MUCH SHOULD BE GOING.

-OH, MY GOD. PLEASE TELL ME YOU DID NOT BRING A TEDDY BEAR, MOTHER!

-NO, THAT'S HIS.

HE WAS JUST WALKING BY.

HE WORKS AT THE BOWLING ALLEY.

-YEAH, REALLY, I SHOULD BE GOING.

I'M SORRY. -HELLO?

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING HERE?

-CASSIE. -JUST ONE MORE SECOND.

-I'VE MADE SOME BIG MISTAKES IN MY LIFE,

AND I'M SURE THAT I'M GONNA MAKE A FEW MORE.

OKAY, I'M -- I'M SO SORRY TO INTERRUPT YOU, BUT --

HI, SAM. WHAT ARE YOU DOING...HERE?

-HE'S HOLDING THE SIGN!

-YOU KNOW HIM?

-WELL, YEAH, I'M HIS TRAINER.

BUT I STILL DON'T UNDERSTAND

WHAT YOU'RE DOING HERE.

-I'M SORRY. I SHOULD BE GOING.

-HE WORKS AT THE BOWLING ALLEY.

-OKAY. RIGHT.

ANYWAY, WHAT I WANTED TO STATE WAS

I WANT TO MAKE MY MISTAKES WITH YOU,

AND I WANT YOU TO MAKE YOUR MISTAKES WITH ME.

I LOVE YOU TO THE HIGHEST DEGREE.

THE SUM OF MY FEELINGS EQUALS 360.

NEITHER PYTHAGORAS, DESCARTES, NOR MADAME CURIE CAN CALCULATE

STEPHAN'S AFFLICTION FOR THEE, CASSIE.

NOW PLEASE RULE OUT THE PROBABILITIES

AND AGREE TO SINE AND COSINE THIS LIFELONG DECREE.

SO I ASK YOU NOW ON BENDED KNEE...

CASSIE -- SIGN --

WILL YOU MARRY STEPHAN TODAY?

-WELL?

-YES.

-OH!

OH, THIS IS WHAT MAKES A MOTHER SO PROUD!

-I'M GONNA GO GET SOME FOOD.

-HEY, EVERYBODY!

WE'RE GETTING MARRIED!

-MILES!

LaSHAWNA!

ASSHOLES!

ASSHOLE, YOU READY FOR ME?

BITCH.

QUITTER! YOU FUCKING QUITTER!

MEATBALL!

-IT'S OUR -- WHAT DO YOU CALL THIS?

-ENGAGEMENT.

-OUR ENGAGEMENT. WE'RE GETTING MARRIED.

-CONGRATS.

-I'M STILL IN DISBELIEF THAT YOU SAID YES.

THIS IS A HAPPY DAY.

ARE YOU HAPPY?

-I'M HAPPY.

-I KNOW MY MOM IS HAPPY.

SHE'S HOPING I'LL MOVE OUT NOW.

OH, JESUS. -WHAT?

-THEY'RE DOING THAT STUPID KARAOKE THING.

THIS IS WHERE YOU AND I MAKE SUCH A GOOD PAIR.

YOU WOULD NEVER SEE

ONE OF US UP THERE MAKING A FOOL OF OURSELVES.

-YEAH.

-SORRY, I HAD NO KNOWLEDGE THAT THEY DID THIS HERE.

MUST BE A SPECIAL NIGHT THING.

-THAT'S OKAY. DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

YOU KNOW, I STILL HAVEN'T TOLD MY MOM.

-YOU SHOULD DO THAT.

-YEAH, I THINK I'M GONNA GO OUTSIDE AND CALL HER.

IT'S REALLY LOUD IN HERE.

-OKAY, I'LL WAIT FOR THE APPETIZERS.

HEY...

YOU WANT TO LEAVE SOME MONEY IN CASE THEY LEAVE A BILL?

-I'LL BE RIGHT BACK. -OKAY.

-♪ I REALLY WANNA BE WITH YOU

♪ I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY DO ♪

♪ YOU KNOW IT'S TRUE

♪ I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY WANNA BE WITH YOU ♪

♪ YEEEEEAH

-♪ YEEEEAH

-♪ LAST NIGHT I HAD A DREAM

♪ IN A FIELD OF PURPLE FLOWERS

♪ I HAD SOME SPECIAL POWERS

♪ SO I THOUGHT YOU WERE THERE

♪ AND YOU APPEARED

♪ THE SUN WAS FLOATING IN THE SKY ♪

♪ THE RAIN WAS WET, BUT WE WERE DRY AND WARM ♪

♪ WE HAD NO VOICE

♪ WE SPOKE WITH OUR TELEPATHY

♪ I FELT ALL THAT YOU FELT FOR ME ♪

♪ AND UNDERSTOOD WHAT I NEVER COULD ♪

-THEY HAVE ROBERTS LOADED ON TO THE CART.

AND AS THEY'RE WHEELING HIM TO THE LOCKER ROOM,

HE'S GIVING A THUMBS-UP TO THE CROWD --

ALWAYS A GOOD SIGN.

KNEE INJURIES ARE ALWAYS TOUGH ON THESE PLAYERS,

ESPECIALLY THE ONES WHO RELY ON SPEED LIKE SAM.

PHYSICALLY HEALING FROM THESE INJURIES IS ONE THING,

BUT MENTALLY YOU HAVE TO WONDER

IF THEY CAN TRUST THEIR KNEE AGAIN.

WILL THEY BE WILLING TO RUN FULL OUT?

ONLY TIME WILL TELL.

-SO, WHEN'S THE DATE?

-I DON'T KNOW.

WE HAVEN'T FIGURED IT OUT YET.

-YOU DON'T SEEM OVERLY EXCITED.

-YEAH? I DON'T KNOW.

I JUST THOUGHT I'D BE MORE INTO IT BY NOW,

BUT...IT'S JUST WEIRD.

MAYBE I'M JUST GETTING USED TO THE IDEA.

HOW'S SAM DOING?

-GOOD.

MY BROTHER SAYS THAT HE'S STILL WORKING OUT IN THE PARKS

IN THE AFTERNOONS.

-THAT'S GOOD.

-YEAH.

-HEY.

YOU'RE RUN RUNNING.

-YEAH. I THINK YOU'RE RIGHT. IT WAS MOSTLY IN MY HEAD.

-YEAH.

YEAH, WELL, I JUST WANTED TO SAY THANKS

FOR BEING SO COOL WHEN STEPHAN...YOU KNOW...

-OH, I'M A COOL GUY, SO...

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

-YEAH, 'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, YOU COULD HAVE REALLY FREAKED OUT.

I MEAN, I WOULD HAVE.

-THOUGHT ABOUT IT.

CONGRATULATIONS, BY THE WAY.

HE'S A LUCKY, LUCKY GUY.

-THANKS.

-SO, HAVE YOU, UH, SET A DATE YET?

-THAT'S A POPULAR QUESTION. UM, NO.

NO, WE HAVEN'T.

-OKAY.

-OKAY, WELL, IT WAS NICE TO SEE YOU.

-YEAH.

SEE YOU AROUND.

-HEY, DO YOU WANT TO GET A COFFEE WITH ME --

OR SOMETHING?

-I'M TRYING TO CUT OUT ALL DAIRY.

-OH, YEAH.

THAT'S TOTALLY SMART.

OKAY, WELL, I'LL SEE YOU AROUND THEN?

-OKAY, BYE.

-BYE.

-SO TODAY'S THE BIG DAY.

-FOR WHAT? -THE WEIGHT WAR.

-WHAT? WE'RE STILL DOING THAT?

-I THINK IT'S OBVIOUS WHO WON.

-WHO? -SAM.

HE'S THE ONLY ONE THAT'S DONE ANYTHING.

-WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? I'VE BEEN STARVING MYSELF.

-HOW MUCH WEIGHT HAVE YOU LOST? -TWO POUNDS.

-YOU LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME.

-I'M REALLY HUNGRY.

I REALLY WANTED THAT MONEY.

-HONEY, I TOLD YOU -- BLUEBERRIES.

FULL OF ANTIOXIDANTS.

YOU WOULDN'T BE HUNGRY, AND YOU WOULD'VE LOST WEIGHT.

-THANK YOU, TONY ROBBINS.

-ANYWAY, HOW MUCH WEIGHT DID YOU ACTUALLY LOSE?

-I DON'T KNOW. ABOUT 12 POUNDS.

WHAT?

IT WAS A FLY.

-SO WE ALL AGREE SAM'S THE WINNER?

YEAH, AS LONG AS I AIN'T GOT TO GET ON NO SCALE,

I'M COOL WITH ALL OF THAT.

-CONGRATULATIONS, BUDDY. YOU ARE THE BIG WINNER.

-ALL RIGHT, SAM. WAY TO GO.

-CASSIE WOULD BE SO -- WHAT?

-IXNAY ON THE ASSICAY.

-IT'S OKAY, GUYS.

JUST SO EVERYONE KNOWS,

CASSIE GOT ENGAGED AND -- YEAH.

-I'M SORRY, SAM. -I DIDN'T LIKE HER ANYWAYS.

-SHE SMOKES.

-WELL, IT IS WHAT IT IS.

I SAW HER AT THE PARK TODAY.

-YOU SAW HER TODAY?

-YEAH, SHE CAME BY TO SAY HI.

-OH, YEAH. I TOLD HER THAT YOU WORK OUT THERE.

-SO YOU TOLD HER THAT HE WAS GONNA BE THERE,

AND THEN YOU RAN INTO HER?

-YEAH.

-AM I THE ONLY ONE CONNECTING THE DOTS

ON THIS ONE? -DOTS?

-OKAY, LET'S SAY YOU GOT A BIG, GIANT, JUICY CHEESEBURGER.

YOU WALK UP TO IT.

ARE YOU JUST GONNA SAY HI, OR ARE YOU GONNA EAT THAT MOTHERFUCKER?

-I'D PROBABLY EAT IT.

-YOU'RE HER CHEESEBURGER. SHE DIDN'T GOT HERE TO SAY HI.

SHE WAS HUNGRY. -CASSIE DOESN'T LIKE CHEESEBURGERS.

-I WANT A CHEESEBURGER.

-OH, MY GOD. THERE'S THESE GREAT BLUEBERRY BUNS.

-OKAY, FORGET THE CHEESEBURGER.

THIS ISN'T ABOUT FOOD.

SHE RAN INTO YOU ON PURPOSE.

-HE ACTUALLY MAKES SENSE THIS TIME.

-OH, MY GOD, THIS IS EXHAUSTING.

-SHE WANTS A CHEESEBURGER.

SHE WANTS A CHEESEBURGER.

SHE WANTS A CHEESEBURGER -- THAT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE ANY SENSE.

WAIT.

SHE WANTS A CHEESEBURGER.

I'M A CHEESEBURGER.

I'M A CHEESEBURGER! SHE WANTS ME!

OH, MY GOD! I'M A CHEESEBURGER!

THAT'S STUPID.

HI.

-WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

-I'M A CHEESEBURGER.

WHAT?

-I KNOW, IT'S STUPID.

UM, ABOUT THAT CUP OF COFFEE?

MAYBE I DON'T HAVE TO CUT OUT DAIRY COMPLETELY.

MAYBE I JUST HAVE TO HAVE BALANCE AND HAVE, LIKE, A SALAD OR SOMETHING.

-A SALAD?

WHAT IS THAT, LIKE, MEXICAN, OR...?

SAH-LAD, SAH-LAD!

YEAH.

-ANYWAY, I KNOW YOU'RE ENGAGED AND EVERYTHING.

I'M NOT...ENGAGED -- ANYMORE.

-YOU'RE NOT ENGAGED? -NO.

-WHAT HAPPENED?

-HE JUST WASN'T THE RIGHT GUY FOR ME, YOU KNOW?

-CRAZY.

-YES, WELL, THERE'S ALWAYS SOME MADNESS IN LOVE,

BUT THERE'S ALSO SOME REASON IN MADNESS.

-FRED PIZZA. -FRED PIZZA.

SO, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

-UH, UM...I WAS WONDERING --

DO YOU WANT TO GET THAT CUP OF COFFEE?

-YES.

-WAIT, I WASN'T READY FOR THAT. CAN WE KISS AGAIN? -YEAH.

-WAIT A SECOND. WHERE'D YOU GET THAT?

-OH, WELL, I FOUND HIM ON THE STREET

OUTSIDE OF MY HOUSE, BUT HE WAS SO CUTE AND BIG AND FLUFFY,

I JUST HAD TO KIND OF TAKE HIM IN.

HOW ABOUT WE HAVE THAT CUP OF COFFEE HERE?

-REMEMBER THE LAST TIME I MENTIONED THE WHOLE DADDY ISSUE THING

AND HOW CASSIE WOULD DEFINITELY LEAVE SAM?

WELL, MAYBE I WAS A LITTLE OFF.

OKAY, I WAS -- I WAS WAY OFF.

AS IT TURNS OUT, CASSIE WAS SOMEHOW ABLE

TO SEE BEYOND SAM'S SLIGHTLY CHUBBY EXTERIOR.

AND WHILE SAM WORKED OFF THE OLD POUNDS

ONE AT A TIME -- LIKE REALLY SLOWLY --

CASSIE STUCK AROUND.

I GUESS FOR HER, SAM IS WORTH THE WAIT.

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