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00:00:08,591 --> 00:00:10,134
- (water splattering)
- Sorry, Dad,
3
00:00:10,135 --> 00:00:12,100
but it looks like
I've conquered you at Risk,
4
00:00:12,110 --> 00:00:13,721
- bankrupted you at Monopoly...
- HOMER: Hmm. Hmm.
5
00:00:13,722 --> 00:00:15,889
...and aggravated you
at Aggravation.
6
00:00:15,890 --> 00:00:17,307
Well, with you as a daughter,
7
00:00:17,308 --> 00:00:19,143
I'm a winner
in the game of Life.
8
00:00:19,144 --> 00:00:20,728
Although, I lost that, too.
9
00:00:20,729 --> 00:00:22,688
(grunts) Such a good father.
10
00:00:22,689 --> 00:00:24,690
Everyone is really
getting along.
11
00:00:24,691 --> 00:00:26,734
What the hell is going on?
12
00:00:26,735 --> 00:00:28,819
There's no Bart.
13
00:00:28,820 --> 00:00:30,821
- You're right.
- Where is he?
14
00:00:30,822 --> 00:00:32,364
Ladies, relax.
15
00:00:32,365 --> 00:00:34,491
Remember when I said
I'd punish Bart
16
00:00:34,492 --> 00:00:37,828
after he got us...
banned from the buffet?
17
00:00:37,829 --> 00:00:39,205
(Bart chuckles)
18
00:00:40,832 --> 00:00:42,791
I can't shut it off.
19
00:00:42,792 --> 00:00:46,754
Someone wedged a seasonal
Tuscan focaccia in the lever!
20
00:00:46,755 --> 00:00:48,338
(laughs)
21
00:00:48,339 --> 00:00:51,800
Well, Homie, whatever punishment
you gave him must have worked.
22
00:00:51,801 --> 00:00:55,220
Yep, tough love. I'm his father,
not his best friend.
23
00:00:55,221 --> 00:00:58,515
He'll hate me now, but someday
he'll say wonderful things
24
00:00:58,516 --> 00:01:02,102
about me to people on airplanes
who just want to go to sleep.
25
00:01:02,103 --> 00:01:04,730
- That young man will...
- How did you punish him?
26
00:01:04,731 --> 00:01:07,816
Well, I sat the boy down,
looked him straight in the eye,
27
00:01:07,817 --> 00:01:11,111
and bought him a top-of-the-line
computer gaming rig.
28
00:01:11,112 --> 00:01:13,447
- You what?
- I get it. You bribed him.
29
00:01:13,448 --> 00:01:15,741
Stay out of this.
I did not bribe him.
30
00:01:15,742 --> 00:01:18,285
I addicted him to something
that will numb his spirit
31
00:01:18,286 --> 00:01:20,788
until he's no longer
our responsibility.
32
00:01:20,789 --> 00:01:23,665
Well, it has been
pretty peaceful around here.
33
00:01:23,666 --> 00:01:26,794
Kill! Die! Die!
Get wrecked, newbs!
34
00:01:26,795 --> 00:01:29,963
(dramatic music playing)
35
00:01:29,964 --> 00:01:31,632
This is General Splattin'.
Do you copy?
36
00:01:31,633 --> 00:01:33,217
- Copy.
- BOTH: Copy.
37
00:01:33,218 --> 00:01:34,718
Jinx. You me a Coke.
38
00:01:34,719 --> 00:01:37,221
(groans) I'll never be able
to pay that bet.
39
00:01:37,222 --> 00:01:38,597
Focus, Nelson, focus.
40
00:01:38,598 --> 00:01:40,557
Kite the enemy into a gank.
Squeeze it...
41
00:01:40,558 --> 00:01:42,893
- on three... two...
- (explosion)
42
00:01:42,894 --> 00:01:44,610
GG!
43
00:01:44,620 --> 00:01:45,562
That means "good game."
44
00:01:45,563 --> 00:01:49,274
It's how the other team
lets you know... they surrender!
45
00:01:49,275 --> 00:01:50,901
HOMER:
Mm.
46
00:01:50,902 --> 00:01:53,529
Now I hit control-six
to defile their corpses.
47
00:01:53,530 --> 00:01:54,863
Haw-haw! Haw-haw!
48
00:01:54,864 --> 00:01:57,330
- Haw-haw!
- (chickens clucking)
49
00:01:58,117 --> 00:02:00,161
(dance music plays)
50
00:02:03,540 --> 00:02:05,290
Civilized annihilation.
51
00:02:05,291 --> 00:02:08,293
Marge, the boy just may be
learning some life skills.
52
00:02:08,294 --> 00:02:10,295
Mom, do you agree with this?
53
00:02:10,296 --> 00:02:13,131
I guess so. Your father
is showing an interest in Bart,
54
00:02:13,132 --> 00:02:14,299
which is good.
55
00:02:14,300 --> 00:02:16,900
Well, if that's how things work,
56
00:02:16,100 --> 00:02:17,845
then I'm gonna
behave badly, too.
57
00:02:17,846 --> 00:02:19,805
(both laughing)
58
00:02:19,806 --> 00:02:22,516
- That's great!
- Sure you are.
59
00:02:22,517 --> 00:02:25,936
I'll show you! I'm gonna...
tear up my homework.
60
00:02:25,937 --> 00:02:27,479
(Lisa groans)
61
00:02:27,480 --> 00:02:30,941
I'm really gonna do this.
Here I go.
62
00:02:30,942 --> 00:02:34,945
(groans) Actually, this
bibliography could be improved.
63
00:02:34,946 --> 00:02:36,613
(Lisa humming a tune)
64
00:02:36,614 --> 00:02:38,991
- (typing)
- Island of the Blue Dolphins.
65
00:02:38,992 --> 00:02:41,326
Ibid. Ibid. Ibid. Ibid.
66
00:02:41,327 --> 00:02:43,620
Op cit. Ibid. Ibid. Ibid.
67
00:02:43,621 --> 00:02:45,497
Ibid. Ibid. Ibid.
68
00:02:45,498 --> 00:02:47,457
(shower running)
69
00:02:47,458 --> 00:02:49,960
Bart's been in the shower
for an hour.
70
00:02:49,961 --> 00:02:51,879
(chuckles)
With a young man that age,
71
00:02:51,880 --> 00:02:55,173
there's only one reason
he's in the bathroom that long.
72
00:02:55,174 --> 00:02:57,634
Skunk sprayed him good.
73
00:02:57,635 --> 00:03:00,345
Oh, my God, he's playing
with himself!
74
00:03:00,346 --> 00:03:01,847
On that game.
75
00:03:01,848 --> 00:03:04,683
He's playing that game
in the shower?
76
00:03:04,684 --> 00:03:06,393
We have to stop this right now.
77
00:03:06,394 --> 00:03:07,936
Homer, take care of your son.
78
00:03:07,937 --> 00:03:09,730
Make him quit.
(groans) Geez.
79
00:03:09,731 --> 00:03:12,107
Sorry, boy, I have to put
my foot down.
80
00:03:12,108 --> 00:03:13,442
I can't quit now.
81
00:03:13,443 --> 00:03:15,270
My team's about to compete
in a tournament.
82
00:03:15,280 --> 00:03:16,445
I can't let them down.
83
00:03:16,446 --> 00:03:19,197
Well, team building
is important.
84
00:03:19,198 --> 00:03:22,243
All right, let yourself go, and
your partner will support you.
85
00:03:24,370 --> 00:03:25,746
(Lenny screams, groans)
86
00:03:25,747 --> 00:03:27,289
Damn you, Homer!
87
00:03:27,290 --> 00:03:30,000
Please, Dad, can I play
in this one last tournament?
88
00:03:30,100 --> 00:03:31,335
Sorry, boy, you're through.
89
00:03:31,336 --> 00:03:33,420
First prize is a thousand bucks.
90
00:03:33,421 --> 00:03:35,130
You get paid
to play video games?
91
00:03:35,131 --> 00:03:36,340
A thousand bucks.
92
00:03:36,341 --> 00:03:38,910
- They actually pay you?
- Yes.
93
00:03:38,920 --> 00:03:39,843
- In dollars?
- Yes.
94
00:03:39,844 --> 00:03:42,120
- To play a video game?
- That's right.
95
00:03:42,130 --> 00:03:44,556
- They pay you in cash?
- Yes, yes, yes!
96
00:03:44,557 --> 00:03:46,160
- How much?
- A thousand!
97
00:03:46,170 --> 00:03:47,893
All right. Do not tell your mom,
98
00:03:47,894 --> 00:03:49,895
but I'm gonna say yes,
one last tournament.
99
00:03:49,896 --> 00:03:51,188
Oh, thank you, Dad.
100
00:03:51,189 --> 00:03:53,650
Just one thing--
they actually pay you?
101
00:03:53,660 --> 00:03:54,483
Yes!
102
00:03:54,484 --> 00:03:58,700
A thousand dollars
to play video games?
103
00:03:58,710 --> 00:03:59,905
(dramatic music playing)
104
00:03:59,906 --> 00:04:02,532
Group up.
Time to put these suckers away.
105
00:04:02,533 --> 00:04:04,827
Oh, yeah, show me some Gs,
Odgenville.
106
00:04:07,664 --> 00:04:12,000
We win! And it's all because
I let them do it.
107
00:04:12,100 --> 00:04:15,300
Now, apparently,
the Evergreen Terrors have won,
108
00:04:15,400 --> 00:04:17,965
uh, this thing I don't
understand at all,
109
00:04:17,966 --> 00:04:21,426
but which gave the school
new basketball nets.
110
00:04:21,427 --> 00:04:26,265
Now to hand you your prize
money, which is $1,000 cash.
111
00:04:28,768 --> 00:04:30,102
Let go, Seymour.
112
00:04:30,103 --> 00:04:31,645
I'm telling myself to.
113
00:04:31,646 --> 00:04:33,855
I've never held this much money
in my hand all at once.
114
00:04:33,856 --> 00:04:35,565
Let me just, uh... (chuckles)
115
00:04:35,566 --> 00:04:37,859
look at it.
116
00:04:37,860 --> 00:04:42,114
$100 bill, autographed
by Lawrence Summers.
117
00:04:42,115 --> 00:04:45,750
Such a carefree signature,
before the Great Recession.
118
00:04:45,760 --> 00:04:46,827
HOMER:
Mm.
119
00:04:46,828 --> 00:04:50,497
Here you go, $200 each. Mm!
120
00:04:50,498 --> 00:04:53,125
Okay, team, take a break
and meet up for practice in 30.
121
00:04:53,126 --> 00:04:55,252
My dad said we could all
go to Krusty Burger.
122
00:04:55,253 --> 00:04:57,129
Is he giving us a discount?
123
00:04:57,130 --> 00:04:59,470
No, he just said we could go.
124
00:04:59,480 --> 00:05:01,591
It'll be nice to have
some kids in there again,
125
00:05:01,592 --> 00:05:04,970
after what the monkey did during
that birthday party. (groans)
126
00:05:04,971 --> 00:05:06,930
Whatever. Just meet in 30.
127
00:05:06,931 --> 00:05:08,807
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You know what, kids?
128
00:05:08,808 --> 00:05:10,142
I'm gonna blow your minds
129
00:05:10,143 --> 00:05:12,477
with a little bit
of hard-earned advice:
130
00:05:12,478 --> 00:05:14,896
- Quit while you're ahead.
- KIDS: Huh?
131
00:05:14,897 --> 00:05:16,982
We can't quit. There's
so many more tournaments.
132
00:05:16,983 --> 00:05:18,900
You won one
video game tournament.
133
00:05:18,901 --> 00:05:20,902
This isn't like
baseball or politics
134
00:05:20,903 --> 00:05:22,362
where you can make real money.
135
00:05:22,363 --> 00:05:25,198
You only have one
childhood, kids. Enjoy it.
136
00:05:25,199 --> 00:05:27,534
Okay, but because
we came in first
137
00:05:27,535 --> 00:05:30,996
we qualified for a tournament
where we could win $500,000.
138
00:05:30,997 --> 00:05:32,831
Childhood's over.
It's time for work.
139
00:05:32,832 --> 00:05:34,584
(cell phone buzzing)
140
00:05:42,383 --> 00:05:44,676
Hmm. Hmm?
141
00:05:44,677 --> 00:05:45,969
That's right, sweetie.
142
00:05:45,970 --> 00:05:48,890
I'm going to make your brother
a champion.
143
00:05:50,308 --> 00:05:51,975
Knock off that racket!
144
00:05:51,976 --> 00:05:53,435
You're gonna defy Mom?
145
00:05:53,436 --> 00:05:55,395
- Sit on my knee, boy.
- I think I'm too old.
146
00:05:55,396 --> 00:05:57,856
You're never too old
to sit on Daddy's knee.
147
00:05:57,857 --> 00:05:59,733
- (bones crack)
- Ow, my knee! Get off! Get off!
148
00:05:59,734 --> 00:06:02,270
(groaning)
149
00:06:02,280 --> 00:06:03,653
Son, here's a life lesson:
150
00:06:03,654 --> 00:06:06,198
I don't directly tell
your mother anything bad.
151
00:06:06,199 --> 00:06:09,326
I secretly make her a part
of everything she's against.
152
00:06:09,327 --> 00:06:12,370
That's why I spent
your winnings on her.
153
00:06:12,547 --> 00:06:14,465
Honey, I got you a present.
154
00:06:14,466 --> 00:06:16,592
MARGE (gasps):
An espresso pod machine,
155
00:06:16,593 --> 00:06:19,220
like the one I made fun of
at the Hibberts'.
156
00:06:19,221 --> 00:06:22,807
Because you wanted it yourself.
Let me pod you, my dear.
157
00:06:22,808 --> 00:06:25,851
- (machine whirring)
- Ooh! What's the occasion?
158
00:06:25,852 --> 00:06:27,770
The occasion is that
I haven't been
159
00:06:27,771 --> 00:06:30,650
as good of a father as I should.
160
00:06:31,149 --> 00:06:32,900
Yes. Well, no, uh...
161
00:06:32,901 --> 00:06:34,402
Don't argue. It's true.
162
00:06:34,403 --> 00:06:36,320
I need to get more involved
in Bart's life,
163
00:06:36,321 --> 00:06:38,406
so I've decided to be his coach.
164
00:06:38,407 --> 00:06:40,616
That's wonderful. Coaching what?
165
00:06:40,617 --> 00:06:42,785
Oh, I haven't landed on it yet.
166
00:06:42,786 --> 00:06:45,246
Football, chess,
maybe even a silly video game.
167
00:06:45,247 --> 00:06:47,748
It doesn't matter.
Have some coffee.
168
00:06:47,749 --> 00:06:49,750
I love how it doesn't
fill the cup.
169
00:06:49,751 --> 00:06:52,300
Very European. Mmm.
170
00:06:52,400 --> 00:06:54,600
- It's a video game.
- What?
171
00:06:56,490 --> 00:06:59,100
I guess if you're spending
time together, what's the harm?
172
00:06:59,110 --> 00:07:01,846
(singsongy):
Look who's a dad.
Look who's a dad.
173
00:07:01,847 --> 00:07:03,639
I knew you'd be cool with it.
174
00:07:03,640 --> 00:07:05,725
Also, I hired a video game
expert to tutor Bart.
175
00:07:05,726 --> 00:07:07,101
His name is The Detonator.
176
00:07:07,102 --> 00:07:08,353
- (groans)
- (doorbell rings)
177
00:07:10,230 --> 00:07:13,524
"I can't make conversation
unless it's about gaming."
178
00:07:13,525 --> 00:07:16,680
Do you want to come in?
179
00:07:16,690 --> 00:07:19,710
Do you want to go where
they're playing the game?
180
00:07:19,720 --> 00:07:20,698
Thank you, ma'am.
181
00:07:20,699 --> 00:07:23,659
Homer, I've watched Bart play--
here, on his Twitch feed,
182
00:07:23,660 --> 00:07:25,953
and his HitForm, InstaBox,
Gibtrack, Buzuba,
183
00:07:25,954 --> 00:07:27,330
and YergaPunch streams.
184
00:07:27,331 --> 00:07:30,124
Hmm, the only word I recognized
was Gibtrack.
185
00:07:30,125 --> 00:07:32,501
I think Bart has what it takes
to be top ten.
186
00:07:32,502 --> 00:07:34,503
- Players? In the country?
- Bigger.
187
00:07:34,504 --> 00:07:36,339
- The galaxy?
- Smaller.
188
00:07:36,340 --> 00:07:37,548
- World?
- Yes.
189
00:07:37,549 --> 00:07:38,841
Whoo-hoo.
190
00:07:38,842 --> 00:07:40,968
Kids, make sure you're
in a chair that spins.
191
00:07:40,969 --> 00:07:42,887
You're all gonna get a lesson
from The Detonator.
192
00:07:42,888 --> 00:07:44,472
Let's jump into a battle.
193
00:07:44,473 --> 00:07:46,807
To start, Bart and Nelson,
we'll put you up front,
194
00:07:46,808 --> 00:07:48,726
and we'll back you up
with Sophie and Milhouse.
195
00:07:48,727 --> 00:07:50,227
Booyah!
196
00:07:50,228 --> 00:07:51,937
THE DETONATOR:
Notice my finger
is clicking the mouse
197
00:07:51,938 --> 00:07:53,147
with a light, quick stroke
198
00:07:53,148 --> 00:07:54,607
to limit joint fatigue
and tracking error.
199
00:07:54,608 --> 00:07:56,317
I'm clicking like
the mouse button is hot.
200
00:07:56,318 --> 00:07:57,943
Not too hot;
like the top of a toaster
201
00:07:57,944 --> 00:07:59,528
after an underdone bagel.
202
00:07:59,529 --> 00:08:02,740
Okay, now I'm using that quick
mouse stroke here and here,
203
00:08:02,741 --> 00:08:05,760
which is how, Bart,
you should drop diamonite mines
204
00:08:05,770 --> 00:08:06,619
to surround their spawn points.
205
00:08:06,620 --> 00:08:08,329
Milhouse, make sure
you're in position
206
00:08:08,330 --> 00:08:09,872
to respond to enemy aggression.
207
00:08:09,873 --> 00:08:12,750
Sophie, when they make
their move, go in and engage.
208
00:08:12,751 --> 00:08:15,961
My dad's been engaged 20 times.
I know what to do.
209
00:08:15,962 --> 00:08:17,505
Okay, now we're entering
the mid-game,
210
00:08:17,506 --> 00:08:19,757
where it's important to keep
focusing on major objectives
211
00:08:19,758 --> 00:08:21,300
and control the map.
212
00:08:21,301 --> 00:08:23,803
Okay, Homer, you watch the
screen while I take a quick A.P.
213
00:08:23,804 --> 00:08:25,120
What's an A.P.?
214
00:08:25,130 --> 00:08:27,140
It's a gamer abbreviation
for "a pee."
215
00:08:27,150 --> 00:08:28,933
Nerd lingo. Saves so much time.
216
00:08:28,934 --> 00:08:30,434
THE DETONATOR (over headsets):
All right, I'm walking
217
00:08:30,435 --> 00:08:31,685
through the kitchen,
218
00:08:31,686 --> 00:08:33,104
blue-haired woman
is feeding a baby.
219
00:08:33,105 --> 00:08:34,522
I'm making eye contact.
220
00:08:34,523 --> 00:08:37,525
MARGE: Your shoes have
lace holes but no laces.
221
00:08:37,526 --> 00:08:39,360
THE DETONATOR:
Linoleum, linoleum.
222
00:08:39,361 --> 00:08:41,404
Strafing into the bathroom,
gonna go into defuel mode.
223
00:08:41,405 --> 00:08:43,300
Lifting seat with shoe.
224
00:08:43,310 --> 00:08:44,865
Pro tip: Going over the belt
saves time.
225
00:08:44,866 --> 00:08:46,117
Shaking, flushing
and hand washing
226
00:08:46,118 --> 00:08:47,910
are the real time killers.
227
00:08:47,911 --> 00:08:50,538
Once I cut those out,
my lag time went way down.
228
00:08:50,539 --> 00:08:53,207
Okay, these Water Mages
have fuel tanks on their backs,
229
00:08:53,208 --> 00:08:55,000
so you can't hit them
with standard spells,
230
00:08:55,100 --> 00:08:58,546
but if I equip this staff that
lets me cast lava quadballs...
231
00:08:58,547 --> 00:09:02,299
I mistimed it. Oh, God,
I mistimed. They killed me.
232
00:09:02,300 --> 00:09:05,261
Do you mind if I dance
over your corpse?
233
00:09:05,262 --> 00:09:06,679
I'd be mad if you didn't.
234
00:09:06,680 --> 00:09:09,265
- It's over for me.
- Why?
235
00:09:09,266 --> 00:09:11,600
I just lost my gaming edge.
Right there, just now.
236
00:09:11,601 --> 00:09:13,686
Been in the zone for years,
and now I'm not.
237
00:09:13,687 --> 00:09:16,210
(sighs) Time in a bottle, man,
time in a bottle.
238
00:09:16,220 --> 00:09:18,650
But you were gonna mold
my team into winners,
239
00:09:18,660 --> 00:09:19,650
and I was gonna
live through them.
240
00:09:19,651 --> 00:09:21,235
Just yesterday, I turned 19.
241
00:09:21,236 --> 00:09:23,237
Made it longer than most
in this crazy biz.
242
00:09:23,238 --> 00:09:25,948
Anyway, I'm gonna go work for
my uncle. He owns a tile store.
243
00:09:25,949 --> 00:09:28,576
It'll be a good life.
Good enough.
244
00:09:28,577 --> 00:09:30,327
Sucks to be old.
245
00:09:30,328 --> 00:09:32,913
I didn't cry
at my grandpa's funeral,
246
00:09:32,914 --> 00:09:36,500
mostly because he was racist,
but I'm crying now.
247
00:09:36,501 --> 00:09:39,503
(sobbing)
248
00:09:39,504 --> 00:09:42,174
(somber medieval music plays)
249
00:09:43,175 --> 00:09:45,177
(crying)
250
00:09:48,430 --> 00:09:52,308
He taught us all he could.
Now it's up to me.
251
00:09:52,309 --> 00:09:55,311
- Do we get uniforms?
- No. No uniforms.
252
00:09:55,312 --> 00:09:57,646
You're a ragtag bunch
without any sponsors
253
00:09:57,647 --> 00:09:59,607
that'll have everyone
rooting for you.
254
00:09:59,608 --> 00:10:01,859
Are you kids ready to turn
this thing you like
255
00:10:01,860 --> 00:10:04,695
into something that will consume
every waking minute?
256
00:10:04,696 --> 00:10:06,864
- KIDS: Maybe!
- Hit the music!
257
00:10:06,865 --> 00:10:08,199
(dramatic orchestral music
plays)
258
00:10:08,200 --> 00:10:09,618
(trumpets loudly)
259
00:10:15,332 --> 00:10:16,749
(stopwatch dings)
260
00:10:16,750 --> 00:10:19,251
Kids, you need to practice
10,000 hours to get great.
261
00:10:19,252 --> 00:10:20,669
Are you sure?
262
00:10:20,670 --> 00:10:23,589
It's how long Malcolm Gladwell
needed to think it up.
263
00:10:23,590 --> 00:10:26,425
♪ Bart is a champion ♪
264
00:10:26,426 --> 00:10:29,178
♪ Which makes me a champion ♪
265
00:10:29,179 --> 00:10:32,348
- ♪ I am the champion of the... ♪
- Homer.
266
00:10:32,349 --> 00:10:33,933
♪ World. ♪
Yes, Marge?
267
00:10:33,934 --> 00:10:37,228
I've noticed how much time
you've been spending with Bart.
268
00:10:37,229 --> 00:10:38,646
I know what's coming.
269
00:10:38,647 --> 00:10:41,106
I'm riding him too hard,
and you want me to pull back.
270
00:10:41,107 --> 00:10:43,108
- No.
- What the...?
271
00:10:43,109 --> 00:10:45,861
Honestly, I worry
so much about that boy,
272
00:10:45,862 --> 00:10:49,240
I'm afraid he's going to
wind up in jail.
273
00:10:49,241 --> 00:10:51,742
Marge, his kill count is 98%.
274
00:10:51,743 --> 00:10:53,619
Guys like that
don't end up in jail.
275
00:10:53,620 --> 00:10:57,122
And I promise you, I will
coach him as hard as I can.
276
00:10:57,123 --> 00:10:59,917
But will you also coach him
to be a good man?
277
00:10:59,918 --> 00:11:01,835
That's Flanders' job.
278
00:11:01,836 --> 00:11:03,796
- FLANDERS: I'm on it.
- Aw.
279
00:11:03,797 --> 00:11:05,507
Mm.
280
00:11:08,176 --> 00:11:10,303
(dramatic orchestral music
playing)
281
00:11:14,307 --> 00:11:17,434
Homer Simpson? Go right in.
282
00:11:17,435 --> 00:11:19,895
Welcome, Homer.
Welcome to the club of dads
283
00:11:19,896 --> 00:11:23,232
who live through their
glorious athletic children.
284
00:11:23,233 --> 00:11:25,109
(gasps)
Tiger Woods' father.
285
00:11:25,110 --> 00:11:28,696
Hey, I have a name,
although I've forgotten it.
286
00:11:28,697 --> 00:11:30,364
Okay, so it's 5:00
in the morning.
287
00:11:30,365 --> 00:11:31,657
My son is four.
288
00:11:31,658 --> 00:11:33,534
He hits the boards
and starts bleeding.
289
00:11:33,535 --> 00:11:35,244
His elbow's sticking
out of his skin.
290
00:11:35,245 --> 00:11:36,453
ALL:
Ew!
291
00:11:36,454 --> 00:11:38,205
Yeah, I got my camera,
and he says,
292
00:11:38,206 --> 00:11:40,332
(imitates crying)
"Daddy, what are you doing?"
293
00:11:40,333 --> 00:11:43,669
I said, "I'm filming the last
time you are ever gonna cry."
294
00:11:43,670 --> 00:11:45,838
(laughter)
295
00:11:45,839 --> 00:11:49,910
- Oh, that is great.
- Ha. Excellent coaching.
296
00:11:49,920 --> 00:11:50,634
Really? It's not mean?
297
00:11:50,635 --> 00:11:53,120
Homer, we're obsessive
sports fathers,
298
00:11:53,130 --> 00:11:54,805
so we're gonna teach you
how to motivate
299
00:11:54,806 --> 00:11:56,932
- the only way we know how.
- Don't hit me.
300
00:11:56,933 --> 00:11:58,517
Oh, we're gonna hit you,
all right.
301
00:11:58,518 --> 00:12:00,394
With a song.
302
00:12:00,395 --> 00:12:02,563
♪ ♪
303
00:12:02,564 --> 00:12:04,398
♪ Never wanted Roland-Garros ♪
304
00:12:04,399 --> 00:12:06,400
♪ Never made it to the show ♪
305
00:12:06,401 --> 00:12:08,402
♪ Never won
the Stanley Cup trophy ♪
306
00:12:08,403 --> 00:12:10,821
♪ For five years in a row ♪
307
00:12:10,822 --> 00:12:14,325
♪ There's nothing in our lives
that we ever really did ♪
308
00:12:14,326 --> 00:12:16,785
♪ Except made our child
a superstar ♪
309
00:12:16,786 --> 00:12:19,204
♪ And lived through our kid ♪
310
00:12:19,205 --> 00:12:21,498
♪ Live, live through your kid ♪
311
00:12:21,499 --> 00:12:23,959
- ♪ Wake him up at 5:00 ♪
- (air horn blows)
312
00:12:23,960 --> 00:12:25,628
♪ Live, live through your kid ♪
313
00:12:25,629 --> 00:12:29,340
♪ It's the only way
to feel alive ♪
314
00:12:29,341 --> 00:12:31,300
♪ Strap him to a hockey stick ♪
315
00:12:31,301 --> 00:12:33,469
♪ While he is still asleep
in bed ♪
316
00:12:33,470 --> 00:12:36,550
♪ Build a scary dragon
to fire tennis balls ♪
317
00:12:36,560 --> 00:12:37,473
♪ Right at his head ♪
318
00:12:37,474 --> 00:12:39,391
♪ There's no training
that's too torturous ♪
319
00:12:39,392 --> 00:12:41,435
♪ Or cruel to play this game ♪
320
00:12:41,436 --> 00:12:43,437
♪ Because when they win
at Pebble Beach ♪
321
00:12:43,438 --> 00:12:46,273
♪ You share in the fame ♪
322
00:12:46,274 --> 00:12:50,402
♪ Live, live through your kid,
homeschooled by his mom ♪
323
00:12:50,403 --> 00:12:53,656
♪ Live, live through your kid ♪
324
00:12:53,657 --> 00:12:55,741
♪ They'll surely come
to hate you ♪
325
00:12:55,742 --> 00:12:58,369
♪ But that's later on ♪
326
00:12:58,370 --> 00:13:03,290
♪ There is absolutely
nothing like ♪
327
00:13:03,291 --> 00:13:05,293
♪ Living through ♪
328
00:13:06,711 --> 00:13:10,215
♪ Your kid. ♪
329
00:13:12,217 --> 00:13:14,636
This is still part
of the dream, Homer.
330
00:13:17,180 --> 00:13:18,806
MAN:
No uniforms?
331
00:13:18,807 --> 00:13:20,474
I'm rooting for those underdogs.
332
00:13:20,475 --> 00:13:22,351
- Yay!
- Yay!
333
00:13:22,352 --> 00:13:25,437
Yes, you are,
and you don't even know why.
334
00:13:25,438 --> 00:13:27,940
I just said,
it's the no uniforms.
335
00:13:27,941 --> 00:13:30,819
(laughs)
Not a clue.
336
00:13:32,362 --> 00:13:33,862
Poke and harness those trolls.
337
00:13:33,863 --> 00:13:35,739
On it. Nelson,
get ready to back me up
338
00:13:35,740 --> 00:13:37,241
in case their heroes
engage on me.
339
00:13:37,242 --> 00:13:38,701
On my way.
340
00:13:38,702 --> 00:13:41,120
- It's a trap!
- They're ganking me.
341
00:13:41,121 --> 00:13:42,496
Damn it, they got me.
342
00:13:42,497 --> 00:13:43,706
Respawning in 30.
343
00:13:43,707 --> 00:13:45,958
They're control-sixing
my corpse.
344
00:13:45,959 --> 00:13:47,543
We're gonna win.
345
00:13:47,544 --> 00:13:49,170
(cheering)
346
00:13:50,296 --> 00:13:52,297
It's coming, Gordy.
347
00:13:52,298 --> 00:13:53,882
Hold on a minute.
348
00:13:53,883 --> 00:13:57,940
Bart Simpson has not
given the "GG."
349
00:13:57,950 --> 00:14:00,130
And the diamonite mine
he planted in the dragon turds
350
00:14:00,140 --> 00:14:02,850
is exploding now.
351
00:14:02,851 --> 00:14:04,768
(cheering)
352
00:14:04,769 --> 00:14:07,604
Springfield is going
to the world championships
353
00:14:07,605 --> 00:14:11,942
in Seoul, South Korea,
while the Canadian team is out.
354
00:14:11,943 --> 00:14:13,193
- Huh?
- "Out"?
355
00:14:13,194 --> 00:14:15,195
(sighs)
"Oot."
356
00:14:15,196 --> 00:14:17,573
-Yo, what the...? Oh, come on,
what's that all about?
-(grumbling)
357
00:14:17,574 --> 00:14:18,949
And I am, too.
358
00:14:18,950 --> 00:14:20,576
This is the last match
I'll announce.
359
00:14:20,577 --> 00:14:22,870
I'm going to spend my time
oil painting,
360
00:14:22,871 --> 00:14:25,206
but my wife says
not in the house.
361
00:14:28,420 --> 00:14:29,710
Hey, sweetie, what's going on?
362
00:14:29,711 --> 00:14:32,129
I'm only talking to you now
to prove a point.
363
00:14:32,130 --> 00:14:34,131
You've been spending
all your time with Bart,
364
00:14:34,132 --> 00:14:36,884
and you haven't paid
any attention to me at all.
365
00:14:36,885 --> 00:14:39,136
And I know you're just gonna
respond with a,
366
00:14:39,137 --> 00:14:42,550
"That's nice, honey,"
and move on. I know it.
367
00:14:42,560 --> 00:14:43,474
That's nice, honey.
368
00:14:43,475 --> 00:14:46,226
Bart and I are going
to South Korea.
369
00:14:46,227 --> 00:14:49,521
It'll be great, Lisa.
We'll have girls time here.
370
00:14:49,522 --> 00:14:51,857
Bake cookies,
see the movies we want to see.
371
00:14:51,858 --> 00:14:55,270
Mom, I try to spare you because
I don't want you feeling
372
00:14:55,280 --> 00:14:58,864
thoroughly appropriate guilt
for what this family does to me,
373
00:14:58,865 --> 00:15:01,575
but now one of my dreams
is within my grasp.
374
00:15:01,576 --> 00:15:03,202
See?
375
00:15:03,203 --> 00:15:07,800
I want to go to South Korea, to
the Jogyesa Buddhist monastery,
376
00:15:07,810 --> 00:15:10,834
because they teach something
there so special, so magic,
377
00:15:10,835 --> 00:15:12,419
it could be life-changing.
378
00:15:12,420 --> 00:15:16,600
It just never seemed possible,
and I had to accept it.
379
00:15:16,700 --> 00:15:18,217
I'm holding
onto a thin rope here,
380
00:15:18,218 --> 00:15:21,261
because if Bart and Dad go
to Seoul and I miss out,
381
00:15:21,262 --> 00:15:22,679
I'll lose my grip.
382
00:15:22,680 --> 00:15:24,473
(shouts)
I'm losing it now!
383
00:15:24,474 --> 00:15:28,268
Hear me, hear me, dear God,
someone hear me.
384
00:15:28,269 --> 00:15:30,479
Help me before it's too late!
385
00:15:30,480 --> 00:15:32,272
Girls trip to South Korea.
386
00:15:32,273 --> 00:15:34,240
Oh, thank you, Mom.
387
00:15:34,250 --> 00:15:36,360
I'm going down to the basement
to get my happy diary.
388
00:15:36,361 --> 00:15:37,570
You do that.
389
00:15:42,617 --> 00:15:45,411
♪ ♪
390
00:15:48,810 --> 00:15:51,667
Pretzels, M&M's, Pringles.
391
00:15:51,668 --> 00:15:53,836
It's a complete
Thanksgiving dinner.
392
00:15:53,837 --> 00:15:55,754
Pringles are for champions only.
393
00:15:55,755 --> 00:15:57,464
Milhouse, can I have
a word with you?
394
00:15:57,465 --> 00:16:00,342
Oh, no.
This is never, ever good.
395
00:16:00,343 --> 00:16:02,636
(chuckles):
Don't worry. This will be good.
396
00:16:02,637 --> 00:16:04,221
I lied. This is really bad.
397
00:16:04,222 --> 00:16:06,473
Son, the rules say
that we get to swap in
398
00:16:06,474 --> 00:16:10,102
one player for this round,
and I'm asking you to step down.
399
00:16:10,103 --> 00:16:12,604
I'm always the one
that has to step down.
400
00:16:12,605 --> 00:16:14,398
That's why I chose you.
401
00:16:14,399 --> 00:16:17,568
- You've got rejection muscle.
- Fine.
402
00:16:17,569 --> 00:16:19,987
Good boy. You're our Rudy.
403
00:16:19,988 --> 00:16:23,156
- Rudy got to play.
- I didn't say which Rudy.
404
00:16:23,157 --> 00:16:26,702
Can't you give me a pity job,
like scorekeeper?
405
00:16:26,703 --> 00:16:28,328
Fine, you're scorekeeper.
406
00:16:28,329 --> 00:16:30,539
I don't want your pity job.
407
00:16:30,540 --> 00:16:34,420
Dad, I think you need
a little more salt in your diet.
408
00:16:34,430 --> 00:16:36,400
Where are you taking us?
409
00:16:40,550 --> 00:16:42,301
You know,
I don't want to be here.
410
00:16:42,302 --> 00:16:43,803
Shh. We're here.
411
00:16:45,960 --> 00:16:47,139
Are you sure
these are safe here?
412
00:16:47,140 --> 00:16:50,976
No, this whole temple is a scam
to collect smelly shoes.
413
00:16:50,977 --> 00:16:53,200
I knew it.
414
00:16:53,210 --> 00:16:54,813
This is what I was
talking about.
415
00:16:54,814 --> 00:16:56,440
These are salt mandalas.
416
00:16:56,441 --> 00:16:58,660
This will change our lives.
417
00:16:58,670 --> 00:17:00,152
Start pouring the salt.
418
00:17:00,153 --> 00:17:03,156
♪ ♪
419
00:17:06,534 --> 00:17:08,703
Yum. Mm.
420
00:17:10,955 --> 00:17:12,956
That's so beautiful.
421
00:17:12,957 --> 00:17:16,168
I finally understand
why you had to come here.
422
00:17:16,169 --> 00:17:18,128
So how do we get it home?
423
00:17:18,129 --> 00:17:20,339
I worry about it in my carry-on.
424
00:17:20,340 --> 00:17:22,132
I'm gonna need a lot of glue.
425
00:17:22,133 --> 00:17:24,718
- We don't. We destroy it.
- What?
426
00:17:24,719 --> 00:17:28,222
To prove attachment to any
material pursuit is meaningless.
427
00:17:28,223 --> 00:17:30,974
I'll start.
428
00:17:30,975 --> 00:17:32,935
Mom, you're tidying it.
429
00:17:32,936 --> 00:17:35,312
Destroy it.
430
00:17:35,313 --> 00:17:37,439
Are you happy now? Because...
431
00:17:37,440 --> 00:17:40,150
(gasps)
I am.
432
00:17:40,151 --> 00:17:42,903
Yes. You've achieved Zen.
433
00:17:42,904 --> 00:17:45,720
Now you just
have to do two more.
434
00:17:45,730 --> 00:17:47,283
- MARGE: Hmm.
- I'm gonna go check on Dad.
435
00:17:49,350 --> 00:17:52,370
You have been wasting
your talents bowling.
436
00:17:52,380 --> 00:17:53,538
You have to destroy it.
437
00:17:53,539 --> 00:17:55,374
Never! Never! Never!
438
00:17:55,375 --> 00:17:57,168
(sneezes) Damn it!
439
00:17:59,963 --> 00:18:02,464
Now do you see it?
Do you see the meaninglessness
440
00:18:02,465 --> 00:18:04,466
of striving for worldly things?
441
00:18:04,467 --> 00:18:06,969
(gasps)
I do.
442
00:18:06,970 --> 00:18:09,972
I am going to stop being
so driven and ambitious...
443
00:18:09,973 --> 00:18:12,182
Don't you laugh, Missy.
444
00:18:12,183 --> 00:18:14,267
Amazing Zen.
445
00:18:14,268 --> 00:18:16,521
He's like the reincarnation
of the Buddha.
446
00:18:19,107 --> 00:18:21,358
- (both gasp)
- It is the Buddha.
447
00:18:21,359 --> 00:18:24,112
Great. Now I feel guilty
I stole his shoes.
448
00:18:36,541 --> 00:18:37,708
♪ ♪
449
00:18:37,709 --> 00:18:39,668
ANNOUNCER:
We're in the late game,
450
00:18:39,669 --> 00:18:41,670
and the Evergreen Terrors
have a narrow lead
451
00:18:41,671 --> 00:18:43,630
against the Brazilian Blowouts,
but...
452
00:18:43,631 --> 00:18:46,134
where is Coach Homer Simpson?
453
00:18:49,470 --> 00:18:51,806
Competition is meaningless.
454
00:19:02,191 --> 00:19:04,670
To strive is to fail.
455
00:19:04,680 --> 00:19:07,290
Out of nowhere,
the mind comes forth.
456
00:19:07,300 --> 00:19:09,699
And a third thing.
457
00:19:12,368 --> 00:19:15,288
Time for the lava quadball.
458
00:19:17,874 --> 00:19:20,459
We're gonna win.
Dad's crazy coaching worked.
459
00:19:20,460 --> 00:19:24,338
If I win, I'll be the most
famous girl gamer of all time.
460
00:19:24,339 --> 00:19:26,900
Also, if I lose.
461
00:19:27,341 --> 00:19:31,179
So beautiful. Must destroy.
462
00:19:37,185 --> 00:19:38,769
- (crowd groaning)
- No! Not now.
463
00:19:38,770 --> 00:19:40,855
- (electrical buzzing)
- (crowd gasping)
464
00:19:43,608 --> 00:19:45,442
(crowd shouting)
465
00:19:45,443 --> 00:19:46,902
ANNOUNCER:
The match is canceled.
No refunds.
466
00:19:46,903 --> 00:19:48,403
Send in the riot police.
467
00:19:48,404 --> 00:19:50,573
(slow piano version of
"Suicide Is Painless" plays)
468
00:20:06,172 --> 00:20:08,174
♪ ♪
469
00:20:20,686 --> 00:20:23,188
PILOT:
Uh, welcome to our
19-hour-and-45-minute flight
470
00:20:23,189 --> 00:20:25,690
from Seoul, South Korea
to Springfield.
471
00:20:25,691 --> 00:20:28,860
One brief note: Our in-flight
entertainment system
472
00:20:28,861 --> 00:20:30,445
is not working at all.
473
00:20:30,446 --> 00:20:32,300
Have a great flight, folks.
474
00:20:32,310 --> 00:20:34,320
- Also, we're out of almonds.
- (Homer groans)
475
00:20:34,330 --> 00:20:36,618
Zen. Remember your Zen.
476
00:20:36,619 --> 00:20:38,995
I'm sorry,
you're too fat for coach.
477
00:20:38,996 --> 00:20:40,789
We'll have to put you
in first class.
478
00:20:40,790 --> 00:20:43,625
Thanks to Buddha, I win again.
479
00:20:43,626 --> 00:20:46,503
Dad, I don't think you've quite
grasped the religion.
480
00:20:46,504 --> 00:20:49,339
Two words: Boo-duh.
481
00:20:49,340 --> 00:20:51,592
(Lisa grumbles)
482
00:21:00,601 --> 00:21:03,270
(snoring)
483
00:21:03,271 --> 00:21:06,273
We don't want you anymore.
You blew it.
484
00:21:06,274 --> 00:21:09,276
Your son has a chance
to be well-adjusted.
485
00:21:09,277 --> 00:21:11,695
- (all jeering)
- Yeah, great.
486
00:21:11,696 --> 00:21:13,613
Wait, I've got a baby daughter.
487
00:21:13,614 --> 00:21:15,615
Maybe she's good
at beach volleyball.
488
00:21:15,616 --> 00:21:17,117
How old is she?
489
00:21:17,118 --> 00:21:18,578
- One.
- Too late.
490
00:21:31,174 --> 00:21:34,677
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
491
00:21:39,182 --> 00:21:40,474
Shh!
34320
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