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1
00:00:06,167 --> 00:00:07,300
Oh, jeez.
2
00:00:07,300 --> 00:00:09,934
Colonel klink is going
to the russian front
3
00:00:09,934 --> 00:00:12,033
For this wacky foul-up.
4
00:00:12,033 --> 00:00:15,434
You think they'd
figure out hogan could
hear their secret plans
5
00:00:15,434 --> 00:00:16,801
After, like,
a thousand episodes.
6
00:00:16,801 --> 00:00:19,501
Forget that. After
the second episode,
7
00:00:19,501 --> 00:00:23,968
You'd think they'd
realize they should be
speaking in german.
8
00:00:23,968 --> 00:00:25,467
You want a soda?
9
00:00:25,467 --> 00:00:27,467
Yeah, sure.
10
00:00:27,467 --> 00:00:28,534
Oh, jeez.
11
00:00:28,534 --> 00:00:29,968
Now they're playing
volleyball.
12
00:00:29,968 --> 00:00:32,968
What is this, like,
the nazi club med?
13
00:00:34,467 --> 00:00:35,968
Here you go.
14
00:00:35,968 --> 00:00:38,033
Thanks.
15
00:00:38,033 --> 00:00:41,534
Tell your mom
you're out of chips.
16
00:00:41,534 --> 00:00:43,968
Let's see
what else is on.
17
00:00:45,534 --> 00:00:46,968
Let's watch this.
18
00:00:50,467 --> 00:00:52,834
What are you doing?
19
00:00:52,834 --> 00:00:56,501
That was not
the reaction
I was hoping for.
20
00:00:56,501 --> 00:00:58,801
David, we're, like,
really good friends.
21
00:00:58,801 --> 00:01:00,567
So?
22
00:01:00,567 --> 00:01:05,067
So, I don't think you
should cop a cheap feel
from a friend.
23
00:01:05,067 --> 00:01:08,000
Hey, my hand's way out of
copping range here, Darlene.
24
00:01:08,000 --> 00:01:09,000
Move it.
25
00:01:09,000 --> 00:01:10,033
O.k.
26
00:01:10,033 --> 00:01:11,033
I don't believe this.
27
00:01:11,033 --> 00:01:12,367
Why not.
28
00:01:12,367 --> 00:01:14,000
The whole school thinks we're
boyfriend and girlfriend.
29
00:01:14,000 --> 00:01:15,367
So what?
30
00:01:15,367 --> 00:01:18,000
I just I put my arm
around you.
31
00:01:18,000 --> 00:01:19,567
Yeah, and what was next?
32
00:01:19,567 --> 00:01:23,868
I don't know.
It took me three weeks
to get to that.
33
00:01:23,868 --> 00:01:27,033
Oh, gross.
You've been planning this?
34
00:01:27,033 --> 00:01:30,033
This is
the lowest moment
of my entire life.
35
00:01:30,033 --> 00:01:33,100
Thanks for being
a part of it.
36
00:01:33,100 --> 00:01:35,300
I'm sorry.
You caught me off guard.
37
00:01:35,300 --> 00:01:38,334
I don't know
if I see you that way.
38
00:01:39,567 --> 00:01:41,033
Becky!
39
00:01:41,033 --> 00:01:45,100
The next time you
let your car hog up
the driveway like that,
40
00:01:45,100 --> 00:01:48,033
I'm getting it towed
to indianapolis!
41
00:01:48,033 --> 00:01:49,534
She's not here.
42
00:01:49,534 --> 00:01:52,133
Dana picked her up,
and they went somewhere.
43
00:01:52,133 --> 00:01:54,534
Oh, well,
it's not that important.
44
00:01:54,534 --> 00:01:57,567
I'm sure she heard
you anyway, dear.
45
00:01:57,567 --> 00:01:58,634
Hey, david.
46
00:01:58,634 --> 00:02:00,567
Hey. You know
you're out of--
47
00:02:00,567 --> 00:02:02,067
Here you go.
48
00:02:05,133 --> 00:02:07,634
I'm going to
get out of here.
49
00:02:07,634 --> 00:02:09,300
You don't have to.
50
00:02:09,300 --> 00:02:10,968
Yeah, I do.
51
00:02:18,300 --> 00:02:21,601
Yeah, so,
just 'cause Rodbell's
is missing some stuff,
52
00:02:21,601 --> 00:02:25,434
Everybody has to take some
stupid lie detector test.
53
00:02:25,434 --> 00:02:26,634
Well, don't take it.
54
00:02:26,634 --> 00:02:28,567
They can't fire you
if you refuse.
55
00:02:28,567 --> 00:02:30,167
Oh, yeah, they can.
56
00:02:30,167 --> 00:02:32,267
They just wouldn't
say that that was why.
57
00:02:32,267 --> 00:02:35,601
They'd say it was 'cause
I was always late,
58
00:02:35,601 --> 00:02:38,701
Or rude to the customers,
you know.
59
00:02:38,701 --> 00:02:41,501
They'd find some
tiny little thing.
60
00:02:41,501 --> 00:02:43,667
What kind of stuff
got stolen?
61
00:02:43,667 --> 00:02:45,033
They didn't
even tell us.
62
00:02:45,033 --> 00:02:46,734
You have nothing
to worry about.
63
00:02:46,734 --> 00:02:49,667
That's just the point.
I didn't take anything.
64
00:02:49,667 --> 00:02:52,167
I really resent
Rodbell's treating me
65
00:02:52,167 --> 00:02:54,834
Like I'm some
common criminal.
66
00:03:01,033 --> 00:03:04,067
I'm going to
the big house, Dan.
67
00:04:17,901 --> 00:04:20,501
Well, here you go,
walter.
68
00:04:20,501 --> 00:04:22,100
It's unbelievable,
Roseanne.
69
00:04:22,100 --> 00:04:23,501
I called
the a.c.l.u.,
70
00:04:23,501 --> 00:04:26,000
And they told me
I cannot be forced
71
00:04:26,000 --> 00:04:28,067
To take
a lie detector test.
72
00:04:28,067 --> 00:04:30,501
And the minute
I'm fired,
I should call them.
73
00:04:30,501 --> 00:04:32,901
What did you swipe,
walter?
74
00:04:32,901 --> 00:04:35,200
Nothing, Roseanne,
but that doesn't
mean I'm not guilty.
75
00:04:35,200 --> 00:04:37,200
A cow died
for this burger.
76
00:04:37,200 --> 00:04:39,200
A tree died
for this napkin.
77
00:04:39,200 --> 00:04:43,434
I Killed a cow
and a tree
on my lunch hour.
78
00:04:43,434 --> 00:04:45,367
Am I guilty
of murder?
79
00:04:45,367 --> 00:04:47,467
I would
have to say yeah.
80
00:04:47,467 --> 00:04:49,801
But it's not
just me, Roseanne.
81
00:04:49,801 --> 00:04:51,634
W-w-we're
all guilty!
82
00:04:55,601 --> 00:04:59,033
He's lucky.
He can plead insanity.
83
00:04:59,033 --> 00:05:01,567
Well, I don't know
how this happened,
84
00:05:01,567 --> 00:05:03,567
But suddenly, ladies,
we are overstocked
85
00:05:03,567 --> 00:05:06,067
With half-empty jars
of mustard and mayonnaise.
86
00:05:07,801 --> 00:05:10,467
Anybody have anything
to say?
87
00:05:13,167 --> 00:05:14,501
Uh...
88
00:05:14,501 --> 00:05:16,100
All right. Uh...
89
00:05:16,100 --> 00:05:18,767
Leon, I took
some things home
from the restaurant.
90
00:05:18,767 --> 00:05:21,234
I know it's illegal,
and I'm sorry.
91
00:05:21,234 --> 00:05:23,267
That's why
I brought them back.
92
00:05:23,267 --> 00:05:25,634
Bonnie, don't you think
I notice
93
00:05:25,634 --> 00:05:29,367
That you leave here lumpier
than when you come in?
94
00:05:29,367 --> 00:05:32,968
Now, I have always tried
to look the other way
95
00:05:32,968 --> 00:05:34,400
When you've
taken condiments,
96
00:05:34,400 --> 00:05:36,400
But how can I do that
97
00:05:36,400 --> 00:05:38,467
If you keep
bringing them back?
98
00:05:38,467 --> 00:05:40,901
I'm sorry. I figured
if I brought them back,
99
00:05:40,901 --> 00:05:43,734
Then when they ask me
if I stole anything,
100
00:05:43,734 --> 00:05:46,267
I could just say
I borrowed them.
101
00:05:48,133 --> 00:05:50,300
You're not gonna bust
her, are you, Leon?
102
00:05:50,300 --> 00:05:52,100
Of course not.
103
00:05:52,100 --> 00:05:53,467
Then could you
help me?
104
00:05:53,467 --> 00:05:56,834
I got a vat
of steak sauce
in my car.
105
00:05:57,901 --> 00:06:00,534
Roseanne, I hate
to burst your bubble,
106
00:06:00,534 --> 00:06:03,467
But your little plan
isn't going to work.
107
00:06:03,467 --> 00:06:05,534
You see,
once you believe
108
00:06:05,534 --> 00:06:07,033
That you've
stolen something,
109
00:06:07,033 --> 00:06:08,968
It'll show up
on the polygraph.
110
00:06:08,968 --> 00:06:10,501
Yeah, but
like she said,
111
00:06:10,501 --> 00:06:12,434
We were
just borrowing it.
112
00:06:12,434 --> 00:06:15,000
Yeah, but you borrowed
a full jar,
113
00:06:15,000 --> 00:06:16,934
And when you
brought it back,
114
00:06:16,934 --> 00:06:18,467
It was half-empty.
115
00:06:18,467 --> 00:06:21,501
Now, don't you believe
that that was stealing?
116
00:06:21,501 --> 00:06:24,534
Well, I do now,
thanks to you.
117
00:06:24,534 --> 00:06:26,767
Yeah, way to go, Leon.
118
00:06:26,767 --> 00:06:28,334
Hey.
119
00:06:28,334 --> 00:06:29,501
Hey.
120
00:06:29,501 --> 00:06:31,501
You got
a few minutes?
121
00:06:31,501 --> 00:06:32,601
Yeah, sure.
122
00:06:32,601 --> 00:06:35,000
My break doesn't start
for a half-hour.
123
00:06:35,000 --> 00:06:36,901
Well,
I was thinking...
124
00:06:36,901 --> 00:06:39,868
Did Darlene tell you
about what happened
last night?
125
00:06:41,067 --> 00:06:42,234
Of course.
126
00:06:42,234 --> 00:06:45,534
Well, I thought
maybe we should
talk about it.
127
00:06:45,534 --> 00:06:48,234
O.k., well...
128
00:06:48,234 --> 00:06:50,734
Do want some pie
or something?
129
00:06:50,734 --> 00:06:51,734
Yeah.
130
00:06:53,901 --> 00:06:56,100
Isn't that Darlene's
little boyfriend?
131
00:06:57,334 --> 00:06:59,601
Darlene doesn't have
a boyfriend.
132
00:06:59,601 --> 00:07:01,567
And yes.
133
00:07:01,567 --> 00:07:04,067
What did he mean
by that?
134
00:07:04,067 --> 00:07:05,634
What happened
last night?
135
00:07:05,634 --> 00:07:09,067
I don't know.
Darlene never
tells me a thing.
136
00:07:10,801 --> 00:07:12,300
Well, here you go.
137
00:07:12,300 --> 00:07:13,667
Thanks.
138
00:07:13,667 --> 00:07:15,968
O.k., we'll talk.
You start.
139
00:07:15,968 --> 00:07:20,067
Mark said you were
always trashing
on him to Becky
140
00:07:20,067 --> 00:07:21,501
And that's why
she broke up
with him.
141
00:07:21,501 --> 00:07:22,501
Come on, david.
142
00:07:22,501 --> 00:07:25,033
Hold it.
I'm not like
my brother.
143
00:07:25,033 --> 00:07:28,033
I think Mark
is the biggest jerk
on the planet.
144
00:07:28,033 --> 00:07:31,734
You were right
to try to keep him
away from Becky.
145
00:07:31,734 --> 00:07:35,501
Hmm. You're sucking up.
That's better.
146
00:07:35,501 --> 00:07:37,868
So I guess
I'm just asking you
147
00:07:37,868 --> 00:07:40,100
Not to sink me
with Darlene.
148
00:07:40,100 --> 00:07:42,534
So I'm just
supposed to forget
149
00:07:42,534 --> 00:07:45,133
About what happened
last night, is that it?
150
00:07:45,133 --> 00:07:46,200
Nothing happened.
151
00:07:46,200 --> 00:07:48,667
I put my arm
around her,
that's all.
152
00:07:48,667 --> 00:07:51,467
What did
she tell you?
153
00:07:51,467 --> 00:07:55,434
I really can't
tell you that,
david. Uh...
154
00:07:55,434 --> 00:07:57,934
But I will
tell you this--
155
00:07:57,934 --> 00:08:00,434
Darlene is
a lot like I was.
156
00:08:00,434 --> 00:08:02,934
When I first starting
dating mr. Conner,
you know,
157
00:08:02,934 --> 00:08:06,133
Oh, we took it
real slow, you know?
158
00:08:06,133 --> 00:08:08,968
'Cause that's what
I needed at the time.
159
00:08:08,968 --> 00:08:12,534
I mean, it was years
before anything happened.
160
00:08:13,901 --> 00:08:15,467
Got it?
161
00:08:15,467 --> 00:08:17,601
Yeah, I got it.
162
00:08:20,234 --> 00:08:22,434
Bring on
the lie detector.
163
00:08:28,934 --> 00:08:32,200
I don't know,
he's still
Mark's brother.
164
00:08:32,200 --> 00:08:33,801
Totally
different kid, Dan.
165
00:08:33,801 --> 00:08:35,767
Mark is obnoxious,
he's rude,
166
00:08:35,767 --> 00:08:37,300
He's going nowhere,
167
00:08:37,300 --> 00:08:39,734
And he's too old
for Becky.
168
00:08:39,734 --> 00:08:41,234
On the other hand,
169
00:08:41,234 --> 00:08:42,968
David likes me.
170
00:08:42,968 --> 00:08:44,400
Where's the mustard?
171
00:08:44,400 --> 00:08:46,901
I Took it back
to Rodbell's.
172
00:08:46,901 --> 00:08:48,400
What about the salami?
173
00:08:48,400 --> 00:08:50,901
I told you, Dan,
I took everything back.
174
00:08:50,901 --> 00:08:52,901
But the salamI was ours.
175
00:08:52,901 --> 00:08:55,033
I Panicked!
176
00:08:55,033 --> 00:08:59,467
Damn. I've been looking
forward to that salami
ever since dinner.
177
00:09:01,400 --> 00:09:02,467
Dad?
178
00:09:02,467 --> 00:09:05,300
You want to go
shoot some hoops?
179
00:09:09,534 --> 00:09:11,100
You mean your dad?
180
00:09:13,033 --> 00:09:15,434
A quick game.
No big deal.
181
00:09:15,434 --> 00:09:16,367
Sure.
182
00:09:22,434 --> 00:09:24,501
No time left
on the clock.
183
00:09:24,501 --> 00:09:26,934
Your team's down
by a point.
184
00:09:26,934 --> 00:09:28,501
Darlene, Darlene,
Darlene, Darlene!
185
00:09:29,601 --> 00:09:30,667
Ooh!
186
00:09:30,667 --> 00:09:32,734
God! I'm shooting
like a girl.
187
00:09:32,734 --> 00:09:35,100
You're just
a little rusty.
You'll get it back.
188
00:09:35,100 --> 00:09:38,100
Here, put it up.
Try it again.
189
00:09:38,100 --> 00:09:40,100
Hey, girlie, girlie,
girlie, girlie!
190
00:09:40,100 --> 00:09:41,601
Girlie, girlie,
girlie, girlie!
191
00:09:41,601 --> 00:09:44,634
Gee, I forgot
how much fun it was
192
00:09:44,634 --> 00:09:46,133
To play with you.
193
00:09:46,133 --> 00:09:48,133
Come on, put it up.
194
00:09:48,133 --> 00:09:49,300
All right.
195
00:09:49,300 --> 00:09:52,300
You know, dad, I really
just want to talk.
196
00:09:52,300 --> 00:09:53,868
I knew it.
197
00:09:55,534 --> 00:09:57,300
What's up?
198
00:09:57,300 --> 00:10:01,701
Well...I need
a guy's opinion
about something.
199
00:10:01,701 --> 00:10:04,100
O.k., I'll be the guy.
200
00:10:04,100 --> 00:10:07,033
Let's say you were
real good friends
with this girl
201
00:10:07,033 --> 00:10:09,534
And you made
a move on her
202
00:10:09,534 --> 00:10:11,534
And she turned you down.
203
00:10:11,534 --> 00:10:13,100
What would you do?
204
00:10:13,100 --> 00:10:16,400
Why, then I'd applaud
her high moral standards.
205
00:10:20,367 --> 00:10:22,267
Well, that's
a dad opinion.
206
00:10:22,267 --> 00:10:25,133
I--I need a guy opinion.
An honest one.
207
00:10:25,133 --> 00:10:29,467
Then I'd run and
tell all my buddies
I scored.
208
00:10:29,467 --> 00:10:33,067
I meant would you still
be friends with her?
209
00:10:33,067 --> 00:10:34,334
Oh.
210
00:10:34,334 --> 00:10:36,133
Well, maybe.
211
00:10:36,133 --> 00:10:38,801
Even if you were still
attracted to her?
212
00:10:38,801 --> 00:10:42,067
Well, then
I'd try again.
213
00:10:42,067 --> 00:10:44,634
So it would always be
on your mind?
214
00:10:44,634 --> 00:10:47,067
So you couldn't just,
like, hang out with her?
215
00:10:47,067 --> 00:10:48,701
This about
you and david?
216
00:10:48,701 --> 00:10:50,567
Let's just say
I'm curious
217
00:10:50,567 --> 00:10:52,634
And leave it at that.
218
00:10:53,701 --> 00:10:54,701
So?
219
00:10:54,701 --> 00:10:56,200
Well, listen,
Darlene...
220
00:10:56,200 --> 00:11:00,200
What I would do or
what mr. X would do
221
00:11:00,200 --> 00:11:01,767
Is, like,
not the point.
222
00:11:01,767 --> 00:11:04,501
You're asking me
what you should do,
right?
223
00:11:04,501 --> 00:11:06,934
Yeah, I--I guess.
224
00:11:06,934 --> 00:11:09,934
Well, let me
put it this way.
225
00:11:09,934 --> 00:11:12,367
You have never
in your life
226
00:11:12,367 --> 00:11:15,367
Done anything
just to please
somebody else.
227
00:11:16,434 --> 00:11:17,934
Why start now?
228
00:11:19,934 --> 00:11:21,133
Cool.
229
00:11:21,133 --> 00:11:22,133
Play ball!
230
00:11:37,133 --> 00:11:38,133
Thanks, dad.
231
00:11:38,133 --> 00:11:40,133
Anytime.
232
00:11:40,133 --> 00:11:41,767
Thanks for what?
233
00:11:41,767 --> 00:11:44,701
She just came
to the old man
for some advice.
234
00:11:44,701 --> 00:11:48,601
Yeah? What did
she talk to you
about? David?
235
00:11:48,601 --> 00:11:50,534
It was steeped
in the hypothetical,
236
00:11:50,534 --> 00:11:52,033
But she
basically confirmed
237
00:11:52,033 --> 00:11:54,634
That he's warm
for her form.
238
00:11:54,634 --> 00:11:56,934
Well, that's just great.
239
00:11:56,934 --> 00:11:59,968
You knew she was going
to start with boys again.
240
00:11:59,968 --> 00:12:01,534
Look at it this way.
241
00:12:01,534 --> 00:12:03,968
She didn't hide
in her room or anything.
242
00:12:03,968 --> 00:12:06,968
She did exactly what
you wanted her to do--
243
00:12:06,968 --> 00:12:09,067
She came to us.
244
00:12:10,834 --> 00:12:11,901
God.
245
00:12:14,167 --> 00:12:17,000
You just don't get it,
do you, Dan?
246
00:12:17,000 --> 00:12:18,567
When I said us,
247
00:12:18,567 --> 00:12:20,501
I meant me!
248
00:12:20,501 --> 00:12:21,634
[Door slams]
249
00:12:33,334 --> 00:12:34,834
[Telephone rings]
250
00:12:36,968 --> 00:12:39,601
Hello? Oh, hey, david.
Hang on one second.
251
00:12:39,601 --> 00:12:43,033
Uh...david, Darlene's
in the shower.
252
00:12:43,033 --> 00:12:44,100
Yeah.
253
00:12:44,100 --> 00:12:46,601
Well, I'll tell her
you called.
254
00:12:46,601 --> 00:12:49,100
O.k. She'll see you
at school. Bye.
255
00:12:49,100 --> 00:12:51,133
Why'd you have to
say shower?
256
00:12:51,133 --> 00:12:53,033
Now he's
picturing me naked.
257
00:12:54,200 --> 00:12:55,701
Well, then I'm sure
258
00:12:55,701 --> 00:12:58,000
He won't be
bothering you anymore.
259
00:12:58,000 --> 00:13:00,701
What am I going
to say to him?
260
00:13:00,701 --> 00:13:04,834
I know he'll want
to sit next to me
in detention.
261
00:13:04,834 --> 00:13:07,834
You either
go out with him
or you don't.
262
00:13:07,834 --> 00:13:11,234
Yeah, and then
if we do, like,
everything changes.
263
00:13:11,234 --> 00:13:13,968
Yeah, but
it could be better.
264
00:13:13,968 --> 00:13:16,901
I mean, don't you
want to kiss him?
265
00:13:16,901 --> 00:13:18,400
Uh-huh.
266
00:13:18,400 --> 00:13:19,667
Really?
267
00:13:19,667 --> 00:13:21,367
Yeah, really, o.k.?
268
00:13:21,367 --> 00:13:23,734
Well, you having dreams
about it?
269
00:13:23,734 --> 00:13:25,968
No!
270
00:13:25,968 --> 00:13:27,267
Well, yeah,
271
00:13:27,267 --> 00:13:29,767
But I woke up
at the good part.
272
00:13:29,767 --> 00:13:31,767
You tried to quickly
fall asleep
273
00:13:31,767 --> 00:13:34,133
To get back into it,
right?
274
00:13:34,133 --> 00:13:35,567
But it wasn't the same.
275
00:13:35,567 --> 00:13:37,501
Suddenly everybody
had big heads,
276
00:13:37,501 --> 00:13:39,601
And we were talking
about spaghetti.
277
00:13:39,601 --> 00:13:43,067
I don't know.
If I were you,
I'd go for it.
278
00:13:43,067 --> 00:13:44,567
What if we break up?
279
00:13:44,567 --> 00:13:47,634
Then I lose
the best friend
I ever had.
280
00:13:47,634 --> 00:13:49,434
Things have
already changed,
Darlene.
281
00:13:49,434 --> 00:13:50,868
You can't go back.
282
00:13:50,868 --> 00:13:53,367
He left it up to me.
283
00:13:53,367 --> 00:13:55,934
If I want,
then I can decide
284
00:13:55,934 --> 00:13:58,367
That we'll
just be friends.
285
00:13:58,367 --> 00:14:00,534
Oh, good.
Guys love that.
286
00:14:04,467 --> 00:14:06,033
D.J.! Let's go!
287
00:14:06,033 --> 00:14:07,467
I'll see you
tonight, dad.
288
00:14:07,467 --> 00:14:08,901
You going
to drive Darlene?
289
00:14:08,901 --> 00:14:12,334
Nah, she walked.
She's got a lot
to think about.
290
00:14:12,334 --> 00:14:14,834
Oh, yeah.
She talk to you
about david?
291
00:14:14,834 --> 00:14:16,000
Yeah.
292
00:14:16,000 --> 00:14:19,000
Yeah, me, too.
Think she'll
go out with him?
293
00:14:19,000 --> 00:14:20,400
I think
she's gonna.
294
00:14:20,400 --> 00:14:23,834
It's great
you guys are talking
about this.
295
00:14:23,834 --> 00:14:25,834
I'm only good
for guy stuff.
296
00:14:25,834 --> 00:14:28,767
I think
she just needed
the female viewpoint
297
00:14:28,767 --> 00:14:30,434
From someone
who's older.
298
00:14:30,434 --> 00:14:33,334
This is really
ticking me off.
299
00:14:34,634 --> 00:14:37,067
I can't believe
you're jealous over this.
300
00:14:37,067 --> 00:14:39,601
Why not? It's very
typical of me.
301
00:14:39,601 --> 00:14:42,567
O.k. You called,
I rushed right over.
What's so important?
302
00:14:42,567 --> 00:14:45,033
Uh-huh. I'm talking
to Dan right now.
303
00:14:45,033 --> 00:14:47,601
O.k., next time the kids
have a problem,
304
00:14:47,601 --> 00:14:49,634
I'll send them
directly to you.
305
00:14:49,634 --> 00:14:52,133
This is the problem
I wanted,
306
00:14:52,133 --> 00:14:54,000
And you hogged it.
307
00:14:54,000 --> 00:14:55,067
Help. Help.
308
00:14:55,067 --> 00:14:56,067
I'm ready.
309
00:14:56,067 --> 00:14:58,100
What took you so long?
310
00:14:58,100 --> 00:15:00,601
I'm supposed to wear this
for gym today.
311
00:15:00,601 --> 00:15:03,534
I don't know
how to put it on.
312
00:15:07,167 --> 00:15:08,968
Sounds like a problem.
313
00:15:15,601 --> 00:15:18,734
Want to field
this one, honey?
314
00:15:18,734 --> 00:15:20,234
Get out of here.
315
00:15:20,234 --> 00:15:21,801
Come on, D.J.
316
00:15:21,801 --> 00:15:24,234
I can't believe
you're still mad
317
00:15:24,234 --> 00:15:26,834
Because Darlene
went to Dan
instead of you.
318
00:15:26,834 --> 00:15:29,234
Well, she didn't just go
to Dan, you know.
319
00:15:29,234 --> 00:15:31,234
She went
to Becky, too.
320
00:15:31,234 --> 00:15:34,734
Ooh. She went
to her older sister
for advice.
321
00:15:34,734 --> 00:15:37,234
Never worked for me.
322
00:15:37,234 --> 00:15:38,234
Shut up.
323
00:15:38,234 --> 00:15:39,734
Look,
the important thing
324
00:15:39,734 --> 00:15:42,667
Is that Darlene
got what she needed,
right?
325
00:15:42,667 --> 00:15:43,734
Fine.
326
00:15:43,734 --> 00:15:47,100
O.k., then.
So, what do you
need me for?
327
00:15:47,100 --> 00:15:49,300
Well...
328
00:15:49,300 --> 00:15:50,300
O.k.
329
00:15:52,100 --> 00:15:55,067
I Took the stuff from
the restaurant, right?
330
00:15:55,067 --> 00:15:56,501
Mm-hmm.
331
00:15:56,501 --> 00:16:00,000
I know it was wrong,
and I feel bad about it.
332
00:16:00,000 --> 00:16:02,133
I can't stop thinking
about it.
333
00:16:02,133 --> 00:16:03,200
Mm-hmm.
334
00:16:03,200 --> 00:16:06,968
So my question
to you is...
335
00:16:06,968 --> 00:16:10,801
What are the chances
of beating a lie detector?
336
00:16:10,801 --> 00:16:13,100
You're actually
going to lie?
337
00:16:13,100 --> 00:16:15,534
If I tell the truth,
I'll get fired.
338
00:16:15,534 --> 00:16:18,033
And if I lie,
I got a shot.
339
00:16:18,033 --> 00:16:20,601
I Sort of figured,
being a cop
and everything,
340
00:16:20,601 --> 00:16:22,100
Maybe you'd know
some tricks.
341
00:16:22,100 --> 00:16:25,367
There are no tricks.
It's a machine.
342
00:16:25,367 --> 00:16:26,868
I can beat it.
343
00:16:28,734 --> 00:16:30,100
The test measures
blood pressure,
344
00:16:30,100 --> 00:16:31,834
Heart rate,
respiration.
345
00:16:31,834 --> 00:16:34,234
These are things
that you can't
control.
346
00:16:34,234 --> 00:16:36,467
I think I can.
347
00:16:37,901 --> 00:16:40,901
The only ones
that can beat
a lie detector test
348
00:16:40,901 --> 00:16:43,400
Are people
that have no
conscience at all.
349
00:16:43,400 --> 00:16:44,634
Psychos, schizos,
350
00:16:44,634 --> 00:16:46,467
Pathological liars.
351
00:16:50,200 --> 00:16:52,200
I know I can.
352
00:16:59,734 --> 00:17:01,133
It's really hot in here.
353
00:17:01,133 --> 00:17:03,634
What if I get sweaty?
Will I get electrocuted?
354
00:17:03,634 --> 00:17:06,701
No, Mrs.. Conner.
There is absolutely
no Danger.
355
00:17:06,701 --> 00:17:08,133
Well, how's
this work, anyway?
356
00:17:08,133 --> 00:17:10,767
If those needles
start jumping
all over the place,
357
00:17:10,767 --> 00:17:13,334
Then that's how you know
I'm lying, right?
358
00:17:13,334 --> 00:17:15,467
Do you plan on lying,
Mrs.. Conner?
359
00:17:16,701 --> 00:17:18,100
No.
360
00:17:18,100 --> 00:17:20,100
Oh, it's not on yet.
361
00:17:22,167 --> 00:17:23,167
O.k.
362
00:17:23,167 --> 00:17:24,734
Here we go.
363
00:17:24,734 --> 00:17:27,734
Now, just
concern yourself
with the questions
364
00:17:27,734 --> 00:17:29,667
And try
to remain relaxed.
365
00:17:29,667 --> 00:17:31,367
Okey-doke.
366
00:17:31,367 --> 00:17:33,133
State your name,
please.
367
00:17:33,133 --> 00:17:34,133
Roseanne Conner.
368
00:17:34,133 --> 00:17:35,400
Your age?
369
00:17:35,400 --> 00:17:36,400
38.
370
00:17:36,400 --> 00:17:37,400
39.
371
00:17:37,400 --> 00:17:38,400
Uh-huh.
372
00:17:38,400 --> 00:17:39,601
Occupation?
373
00:17:39,601 --> 00:17:40,968
Waitress.
374
00:17:40,968 --> 00:17:44,200
Have you ever stolen
any merchandise
from Rodbell's?
375
00:17:46,200 --> 00:17:47,200
Well...
376
00:17:47,200 --> 00:17:49,167
Yes or no,
Mrs.. Conner.
377
00:17:49,167 --> 00:17:51,667
Well, I mean, can't you
start off, like, smaller
378
00:17:51,667 --> 00:17:53,167
Or maybe more specific?
379
00:17:53,167 --> 00:17:55,167
Like, you know,
going like,
380
00:17:55,167 --> 00:17:58,167
Have I ever stolen
a giant-screen TV?
381
00:17:58,167 --> 00:17:59,167
No.
382
00:17:59,167 --> 00:18:01,167
A hose
from garden supply?
383
00:18:01,167 --> 00:18:02,634
No.
384
00:18:02,634 --> 00:18:04,133
A, uh, canoe--
385
00:18:04,133 --> 00:18:07,167
Have you ever
taken anything?
386
00:18:07,167 --> 00:18:09,667
Well, hey, how about
that pen you got there?
387
00:18:09,667 --> 00:18:12,434
I Bet you took that
from your work.
388
00:18:12,434 --> 00:18:15,567
Yes. And I'm working
with it.
389
00:18:17,133 --> 00:18:18,334
Ah.
390
00:18:18,334 --> 00:18:20,100
Have you ever
taken anything?
391
00:18:20,100 --> 00:18:21,601
Yes or no, please.
392
00:18:21,601 --> 00:18:23,601
Yes, please.
393
00:18:23,601 --> 00:18:25,100
What have you taken?
394
00:18:26,167 --> 00:18:27,634
Uh...
395
00:18:27,634 --> 00:18:30,434
Ketchup, mustard...
396
00:18:30,434 --> 00:18:32,100
Pickle chips.
397
00:18:32,100 --> 00:18:34,868
What's going
to happen to me?
398
00:18:34,868 --> 00:18:36,200
That's management's
decision.
399
00:18:36,200 --> 00:18:37,901
I just
ask the questions.
400
00:18:37,901 --> 00:18:40,434
Now, have you ever
stolen any cash?
401
00:18:40,434 --> 00:18:41,667
Absolutely not.
402
00:18:41,667 --> 00:18:43,968
How about
your coworkers?
403
00:18:43,968 --> 00:18:45,167
Bonnie?
404
00:18:45,167 --> 00:18:46,267
No.
405
00:18:46,267 --> 00:18:48,601
I was talking
about Leon carp.
406
00:18:48,601 --> 00:18:49,601
Leon?
407
00:18:49,601 --> 00:18:50,801
How come?
408
00:18:50,801 --> 00:18:53,701
Bonnie's
the one that has
the police record.
409
00:18:57,634 --> 00:19:00,634
Uh-huh. Well,
have you ever seen
mr. Carp
410
00:19:00,634 --> 00:19:02,701
Take cash
from the register?
411
00:19:02,701 --> 00:19:05,267
Yeah. 'Cause
he does the books.
That's his job.
412
00:19:05,267 --> 00:19:08,767
Have you observed
any changes in
his normal routine?
413
00:19:08,767 --> 00:19:10,033
No.
414
00:19:10,033 --> 00:19:13,868
Have you seen him
exhibit any
unusual behavior?
415
00:19:13,868 --> 00:19:15,367
Ohh...
416
00:19:15,367 --> 00:19:18,434
I know what
this is all about.
417
00:19:18,434 --> 00:19:21,000
You're trying
to scrounge up
some dirt on Leon
418
00:19:21,000 --> 00:19:22,501
Just because he's gay.
419
00:19:24,234 --> 00:19:26,234
I Ought to call
the a.c.l.u.
420
00:19:26,234 --> 00:19:27,801
Because this
is totally un-american.
421
00:19:27,801 --> 00:19:29,234
I won't help you
422
00:19:29,234 --> 00:19:30,667
In your little
witch hunt.
423
00:19:30,667 --> 00:19:32,834
No crappy job
is worth that.
424
00:19:37,634 --> 00:19:40,634
You did know
he was gay, didn't you?
425
00:19:41,934 --> 00:19:43,000
No.
426
00:19:44,701 --> 00:19:46,167
Well, he's not.
427
00:19:56,501 --> 00:19:58,434
Hey.
428
00:19:58,434 --> 00:20:00,067
How's it going,
you still got a job?
429
00:20:00,067 --> 00:20:03,501
What does it matter?
I can't ever go
back there again.
430
00:20:03,501 --> 00:20:04,567
How come?
431
00:20:04,567 --> 00:20:06,000
Oh, 'cause I cracked.
432
00:20:06,000 --> 00:20:07,501
I Turned myself in,
433
00:20:07,501 --> 00:20:10,501
And then I ratted out
all my friends.
434
00:20:13,234 --> 00:20:16,267
Sounds like
you had a full day.
435
00:20:16,267 --> 00:20:17,267
Where's Darlene?
436
00:20:17,267 --> 00:20:19,267
Last time I saw her,
437
00:20:19,267 --> 00:20:20,934
She was out
shooting hoops.
438
00:20:20,934 --> 00:20:23,767
Well, I've decided
that she's going
to confide in me
439
00:20:23,767 --> 00:20:26,801
If I have to
rip it out of her!
440
00:20:31,434 --> 00:20:32,434
Dan!
441
00:20:32,434 --> 00:20:34,033
Come here!
442
00:20:37,467 --> 00:20:39,434
Why didn't you
return my calls?
443
00:20:39,434 --> 00:20:42,801
I was avoiding you.
I didn't know
what to say.
444
00:20:42,801 --> 00:20:46,067
You want to go out
with me, yes or no?
445
00:20:46,067 --> 00:20:47,567
Then we stop
being friends,
446
00:20:47,567 --> 00:20:49,367
And it becomes
something different.
447
00:20:49,367 --> 00:20:51,300
So your answer is no.
448
00:20:51,300 --> 00:20:52,767
Now we're not
friends anymore?
449
00:20:52,767 --> 00:20:55,834
No. Look, I was
ready for this.
450
00:20:55,834 --> 00:20:58,701
I can't help
liking you...
That way,
451
00:20:58,701 --> 00:21:00,701
But I'll deal
with it.
452
00:21:00,701 --> 00:21:02,634
I'd rather be friends
than nothing.
453
00:21:03,868 --> 00:21:05,601
O.k.
454
00:21:05,601 --> 00:21:07,767
O.k.
455
00:21:07,767 --> 00:21:10,267
So, I got a couple
of bucks.
456
00:21:10,267 --> 00:21:13,267
We can go down
to the arcade, and--
457
00:21:24,767 --> 00:21:29,868
What exactly
did you tell her, Dan?
458
00:21:29,868 --> 00:21:31,300
I don't know.
459
00:21:31,300 --> 00:21:34,334
I just listened
and tried to be
there for her,
460
00:21:34,334 --> 00:21:35,334
That's all.
461
00:21:35,334 --> 00:21:37,300
Brilliant!
462
00:21:41,801 --> 00:21:44,000
Captioning performed by
the national captioning
institute, inc.
463
00:21:45,601 --> 00:21:46,601
Hey, Bonnie.
464
00:21:46,601 --> 00:21:48,767
Hey, clyde.
465
00:21:48,767 --> 00:21:50,834
Here. Our paychecks
came in.
466
00:21:52,834 --> 00:21:53,834
14 Bucks?
467
00:21:53,834 --> 00:21:56,334
What, are they paying us
by the day now?
468
00:21:56,334 --> 00:21:58,367
They docked us
100 bucks each
469
00:21:58,367 --> 00:22:00,234
For the food we took.
470
00:22:00,234 --> 00:22:03,734
100 Bucks for two years
worth of stuff?
471
00:22:03,734 --> 00:22:06,300
We ought to do
all our shopping here.
472
00:22:06,300 --> 00:22:08,734
Where's Leon?
I got to talk to him.
473
00:22:08,734 --> 00:22:10,734
They called him
at the office.
474
00:22:10,734 --> 00:22:13,434
They got a couple
more questions
to ask him.
475
00:22:13,434 --> 00:22:17,000
Oh, man. That
lie detector guy
lied to me.
476
00:22:17,000 --> 00:22:19,000
What are you
talking about?
477
00:22:19,000 --> 00:22:21,567
When I told him
Leon was gay,
478
00:22:21,567 --> 00:22:23,567
He said they didn't
care about that.
479
00:22:23,567 --> 00:22:25,234
Why'd you tell him that?
480
00:22:25,234 --> 00:22:27,000
I Stuck up for him.
481
00:22:27,000 --> 00:22:29,501
You weren't sticking up
for me, were you?
482
00:22:29,501 --> 00:22:32,934
No. I swear.
483
00:22:32,934 --> 00:22:35,868
Leon's a great
big old pain
in the butt,
484
00:22:35,868 --> 00:22:38,701
But I didn't
want him
to get fired.
485
00:22:38,701 --> 00:22:41,000
Absolutely not.
486
00:22:41,000 --> 00:22:44,000
Roseanne Conner is not
a Danger to herself
487
00:22:44,000 --> 00:22:45,901
Or the customers.
488
00:22:45,901 --> 00:22:47,901
To the best
of your knowledge,
489
00:22:47,901 --> 00:22:49,601
Is she on
any medication?
490
00:22:49,601 --> 00:22:51,501
No.
491
00:22:51,501 --> 00:22:54,000
But I think
she should be.
492
00:22:54,000 --> 00:22:57,167
So you consider her
a good employee?
493
00:22:58,267 --> 00:23:00,634
A "good" employee...
494
00:23:00,634 --> 00:23:03,334
Well, now,
th-that's a poser.
495
00:23:03,334 --> 00:23:05,567
Yes or no, mr. Carp.
496
00:23:08,868 --> 00:23:10,000
O.k...
497
00:23:10,000 --> 00:23:10,934
Yes.
498
00:23:12,000 --> 00:23:13,234
Whoa!
499
00:23:16,834 --> 00:23:21,100
I was afraid
that would happen.
500
00:23:21,100 --> 00:23:23,300
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