Original subtitles

Come on now Jackie, it's been like two hours.

When are we going to eat.

Be ready in a minute.

Can me and Dan have something to hold us

While we're waiting,

Like a cracker or a ham?

No.

You'll ruin your appetite.

God, I'm in here slaving away

trying to make you guys

A beautiful gourmet dinner.

Can't you wait one minute?

O.k.

One mississippi,

Two mississippi...

Just get out.

Fine. Maybe D.J. Left some sugar pops in the couch.

When?

One minute she said.

You know she's a liar, Roseanne.

Well, she's trying to be nice.

We'll just have to take it.

We're never going to eat.

Just get a hold of yourself now.

We just have to get our minds off food

And we think of something else.

I might get my christmas bonus tomorrow.

I hope it's spaghetti.

Where do you keep your spices?

In the salt shaker.

O.k.

And is Darlene going to eat with us?

No. She usually just fixes herself a sandwich.

Oh. I hope I didn't make too much.

No. You can't make too much.

Just start cooking.

O.k. Okey-doke.

Leon told me to ask you

If you want to be Santa at the mall.

And it pays 10 bucks an hour.

A little late for hiring Santas.

Well, the last guy got bit,

And he had to go get a tetanus shot.

Well, that's very tempting.

That wouldn't happen to you.

You're good with kids.

Not ours, but other people's.

I got a shop to run.

Hey.

Darlene.

Very good.

We thought you were rotting in your room.

Sorry to disappoint you.

Where were you?

I was out.

Where?

With a friend.

Do we know her?

No.

Well, what's her name?

Karen, o.k.? God.

I have to account to you for everything?

Get your own damn life and stay out of mine.

Did you hear what she said to us?

Yeah. She's finally got a friend.

And her name is Karen.

Karen.

"Hi, Karen. Come on in, Karen.

"Darlene's upstairs, Karen.

Love your nose ring, Karen."

"Say, are you naturally bald

On one side of your head there, Karen?"

"Can I hold your gun for you, Karen?"

It's not ready yet.

You're done. Oh, yes, it is.

So, how was Jackie's dinner?

Oh, it was beautiful.

These little midget chickens

All laid down on this plate

With little tiny baby vegetables all around it.

It was just like a work of art.

We ate it in nine seconds.

That should teach her.

Well, she gets this way around the holidays--

Loving, caring, giving, annoying.

Well, here you go, ladies.

Bonus time.

Just Rodbell's little way of saying,

"Yeah. You work here, too."

I thought we were getting cash.

A popular misconception.

Merry christmas.

This is gonna suck.

And a happy new year.

A Rodbell's coffee mug?

You're right. That does suck.

What did you get, Leon?

Oh. Cash again.

I don't believe this.

What did you get, Walter?

I don't know, and I don't care.

I'm not opening it on principle.

This whole christmas thing is way out of hand.

Here we go.

It's unbelievable, it's not about peace on earth anymore.

It's not about god.

It's about buying grandma a clock radio

even though she doesn't need it

just because she sent you a cheese basket,

which you gave to the mailman

who really wanted scotch.

I think we found our Santa claus.

I already told you, Leon.

I'm not gonna be Santa.

Why not? It's $10 an hour.

I heard they never found that last guy's finger.

No. He's fine.

He'll be able to hold a cup again by february.

Yeah. Good. Goodbye, Leon.

If I don't find somebody soon,

I'll have to throw that fat suit on myself.

Did you ask Dan?

Yeah, but he can't do it.

And we really need the money, too.

Well, we need a Mrs. Claus.

What does she do?

She gets the kids to stand in line,

Takes their photos, hands out the candy canes.

Can you do that?

For $10 an hour,

pretend like I'm married to some fat guy

that sits in his chair all the time?

I can fake my way through it.

7.50.

What, the woman runs herself ragged

for half the money as Santa?

Sorry. That's what's in the budget.

Well, but that's discrimination.

Why did we yell "burn our bras"

and march on Washington?

Why did Mary Tyler Moore

take her hat and toss it in the air?

For 2.50 less than Santa?

I don't think so.

Well, there goes a few seconds of my life

I'll never get back.

I want $10 an hour.

I can't change the budget, Roseanne.

Well, then, let me be Santa.

Oh, please.

Come on. I'm jolly.

Oh, in that case, no.

I want to be Santa.

I want to be Liza Minnelli,

But we don't always get what we want.

Leon, Santa's got to be a woman anyway.

Who else would do so much for so little?

Roseanne.

Santa takes care of children.

I do that all year.

Let me love, care, and nurture.

And pay me in cash

so I don't have to declare it.

I don't believe I'm doing this.

You sure you don't want to be Mrs. Claus?

No. It's a stupid, thankless menial job

that nobody even cares about.

That would be just perfect for Jackie.

Roseanne, you ready?

Yeah. Is my beard on straight?

Yeah.

Can you see my boobs?

No. No boobs.

So, Santa, what do you think of your wife here?

Well, I must have married you

before this christmas thing made me a big star.

You're a pig.

Ho ho ho.

Well, kids. Hiya.

My, you've all grown

Since I saw you last year.

Hi.

Santa can't wait to talk to you.

But before he does,

my dear wife Mrs. Claus

would like to tell you just what we'll do.

All right. Listen up.

This is the procedure.

You step up to the lap,

you state your christmas wish.

Get your candy cane, your photo,

and you leave the lap.

Any deviation from this procedure

will result in loss of candy cane.

Remember, possession of cane is a privilege,

not a right.

Nobody gets bit on my beat.

Oh, that's o.k., Sally, Santa's just as afraid of you

as you are of him.

What do you want?

Go ahead, Sally.

Ask for that Heidi homemaker vacuum cleaner

and the little suzy steam iron.

Is that what you want, Sally?

And tell Santa that you want those ballet slippers.

Come on, sweetie.

Tell him that you want to be a prima ballerina

like we talked about.

Tell him.

Mom, would you mind pli�ing your butt behind the rope

so Sally and I can have a chat?

You know, that's o.k., Sally.

Santa's mom wanted him to be a ballerina, too,

But Santa did just what he wanted to do,

And now he's his own boss.

He works one day a year,

And he's way more famous

Than even Michael Jackson.

What do you want to be?

Maybe I can help you find a toy

to get you there.

I want to be a dentist and a cow.

Smile.

Remember this?

Well, Jason, Santa sees an awful lot of teddy bears.

You gave it to me last year.

Well, that's 'cause you were such a good boy.

I hate it.

I wrote you a letter

asking for a truck.

Wow. Hmm.

Mrs. Claus.

Come here a minute, please.

There seems to be some mix-up.

I never got Jason's letter.

I want you to find the elf responsible for this

and fire him immediately.

He's gone. He's history.

Right away, Santa.

Happy now, jason?

Uh-huh.

Then smile.

So does little Ed want to tell Santa

what he want for christmas?

Well, he like to stay with his auntie Roseanne

for a whole weekend

so his mommy and daddy can go away together.

Crystal, I already got you

a limited edition Rodbell's coffee mug.

Give it a rest

so I can talk to the kid here.

* Ah, little Ed, little Ed **

A new nightie, big dangling earrings,

And a 3-speed hair dryer.

Yeah. And a bottle of that submission perfume.

The big size,

because Rodbell's will give me

A free umbrella with that.

Got it.

Give that to your dad

and give Santa a big kiss.

Oh, mom.

Here we go, Jimmy.

Jackie, this kid wasn't next.

Sure he was.

He was way back in line.

He gave me a buck.

Yeah, well, Santa doesn't believe in you either.

Ow. My ear. Ow. Quit it.

Ow. My ear.

Ow.

Ooh.

Ow!

There you go.

Good, isn't it?

All right. There's a life saver in there.

Hey. Kid. Get away from that camera.

You hear me?

Get away from that camera!

Oh, come on up here.

Ahh! All righty.

What's your name?

Sammy, and I've been good.

Oh, a kid that knows the drill.

I like that.

What can I get for you?

A bb gun.

Oh, I'm sorry,

But Santa's fresh out of guns this year.

Ah, come on, Santa, see I don't have a dad,

and I need a gun to protect the house.

You do, too, have a dad. Jeez.

Oh, you fibbed to Santa. You're getting clothes.

Mom.

Well, Santa, usually he's a pretty good boy,

So I think maybe a sled would be o.k.

You just remember this--

I know when you're sleeping.

I know when you're awake.

You step out of line one more time,

you'll wake up christmas morning knee-deep in sweaters.

Now, smile.

Go get your candy cane.

I can't believe he did that

right in front of me.

Well, we all lie sometimes,

like, for instance, I'm not really Santa claus.

I know. Darlene told me.

Are you one of Darlene's teachers?

No. I own the bookstore on third street.

Darlene comes in a lot. I'm Karen Miller.

Oh, you're Karen?

I already gave you a candy cane, Sammy.

Did not.

I did, too!

Uh, well, I better go.

It was nice to meet you.

Do you believe that kid?

What's the matter?

Remember I told you

Darlene had that new friend Karen?

Yeah. Is that her mom?

No. That's her.

You're kidding.

I thought she'd be younger.

Well, duh, Jackie.

Well, so what?

Well, maybe she's the reason

Darlene's all weird, you know.

Look, she's all in black.

Darlene dresses all in black.

She owns a bookstore.

Darlene's been doing all this reading lately.

It's not a cult.

What happened to you being happy

That Darlene even had a friend?

This friend's supposed to be 15

with a retainer and a bad attitude.

The kind of kid you want to smack.

That's what I was hoping for.

Hi. Remember me?

Uh...

Fat guy, beard, at the mall.

Oh, Mrs. Conner.

Roseanne.

Roseanne.

Hi.

Hi. Um...

How's Sammy?

We're fighting. I told him to clean his room.

He said he couldn't hear me

because he was born deaf.

Well, that's pretty good for his age.

I'll be glad when he's out of this lying phase.

Is he your only kid?

Yeah.

I got three. It's not a phase.

It's a nice shop.

Oh, yeah. Thanks.

I can't compete with big chains,

So I mostly sell the hard-to-find stuff.

Darlene's my worst customer,

always comes in, sits in the back, reads,

Never buys anything.

Yeah. She got that from me.

I taught her to eat dinner in the supermarket.

She's not bothering you, is she?

Oh, are you kidding? No. She's a real pleasure.

That's just how her father and I describe her at home.

You know, Karen, I came over here 'cause I wanted to, uh...

You want to talk about the Star Trek convention, right?

Well, we can start there.

I was going to bring it up at the store,

But you were kind of crazed.

She wouldn't miss any school.

She got so excited when I mentioned it.

My husband and I would love to take Sammy.

She's so good with him.

We figured she'd watch him at night.

I understand why you said no,

But my husband and I are perfectly normal people

Who just happen to dress up like romulans once or twice a year.

Well, I didn't exactly say no.

Oh.

Well, great. I wish you'd think about it.

She's just so excited.

She's so into science fiction now.

Look at the stuff she's writing.

Yeah. I'd really like to.

You got any of it laying around?

Uh, what do you mean?

She hasn't shown you any of them.

No.

Oh, well, maybe, you know,

She's testing them out on me

Before she shows them to you.

That's a nice try, but I don't think so.

What are you doing here?

Well, I met Karen at the mall and--

You just can't you stay out of my life can you?

No.

I can't believe you're spying on me.

I can't believe a lot of things either, Darlene.

It would probably be easier to pretend I'm not here

if I'm not here.

Oh, man.

Well, how come you didn't tell me that Karen's my age?

Well, that's none of your business.

What is my business, Darlene

To find out why I'm not letting you go

to this star trek convention

you never told me about?

If you knew you'd have come here and embarrassed me.

Well, I'm here anyway.

I want to know

why she knows more about you than I do?

Why can you talk to her and not me?

Why does she get to read your writing and I don't?

Because you'd laugh, make a joke out of it.

I would not laugh.

I didn't laugh at your poem.

Two years ago, you put it on the refrigerator.

It was cute.

I was proud of you.

Yeah. I'm not cute anymore.

Oh, believe me, Darlene.

Nobody knows that better than I do.

What if I don't believe in god and write that?

Would you put that on the refrigerator?

You don't believe in god now?

Maybe.

Well, who do you think created,

you know, the final frontier,

the place where no man's ever gone before?

Who do you think did that, James T. Kirk, huh?

Typical. Do a joke.

Well, you've got it all figured out, don't you?

When I was 15,

I was sure that I knew it all, too.

We're not talking about you!

We're talking about me!

I'll never be like you!

It's too late, Darlene. You are exactly like me.

Yeah, right.

Yeah, right. You have to have the total last word,

Just like I did.

Right.

Right.

Right.

Right.

Right.

Right!

Right.

Right, right, right, right, right, right.

Right.

Hey, Becky, what's doing?

Oh, everything.

What does that mean?

Mark gave me my christmas present a little early.

What did he give you?

Aah! Aah! Aah!

Dad, I'm kidding.

I got it out of a gumball machine.

It's a joke.

Don't you ever do that again.

I'm sorry. I thought you'd laugh.

No. That was not funny. That was cruel.

Ooh, here comes your mom. Do it to her.

All right.

What?

Maybe later.

Hey, what's with you?

Well, I just met Karen.

Darlene's friend?

Yeah.

What's she like?

Well, she has a 5-year-old.

Was she a senior?

No. She's my age.

You're kidding.

No, and that ain't all either.

Did you know that Darlene

Likes to write short stories

And Darlene likes to go to Star Trek conventions,

And, well, when she's around Karen,

Darlene's just a pleasure.

Well, that ain't fair.

It's like she's living some kind of a double life.

That's two more than we thought she had.

I guess that's good for Darlene and everything,

That she's got somebody to talk to.

Well, this woman's o.k.?

Yeah. She's really nice.

I liked her, but I just feel really left out.

She gets the Darlene that I want,

the one that writes and talks and does stuff.

I get the grunting brat that--

Pss. Pss. Pss.

Hey.

Hi.

What's that?

Well, I guess it's something that Darlene wrote,

So I guess I do get a christmas bonus after all.

What does your mom do when you get in trouble,

She yell at you?

Usually, she...

just says not to do it again.

Then you do it again, right?

Ha ha ha. No.

Then you never do it again?

Well...

You totally mind what your mom says?

That's pretty amazing.

Did you when you were little?

No. No. I never minded.

That's why I'm a huge star now.