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1
00:00:09,000 --> 00:00:11,934
Come on now Jackie,
it's been like two hours.
2
00:00:11,934 --> 00:00:12,934
When are we going to eat.
3
00:00:12,934 --> 00:00:14,934
Be ready in a minute.
4
00:00:14,934 --> 00:00:18,067
Can me and Dan
have something
to hold us
5
00:00:18,067 --> 00:00:19,467
While we're waiting,
6
00:00:19,467 --> 00:00:21,968
Like a cracker
or a ham?
7
00:00:21,968 --> 00:00:23,033
No.
8
00:00:23,033 --> 00:00:24,567
You'll ruin
your appetite.
9
00:00:24,567 --> 00:00:26,467
God, I'm in here
slaving away
10
00:00:26,467 --> 00:00:28,467
trying to
make you guys
11
00:00:28,467 --> 00:00:30,033
A beautiful
gourmet dinner.
12
00:00:30,033 --> 00:00:31,968
Can't you wait
one minute?
13
00:00:31,968 --> 00:00:33,300
O.k.
14
00:00:33,300 --> 00:00:34,667
One mississippi,
15
00:00:34,667 --> 00:00:35,934
Two mississippi...
16
00:00:35,934 --> 00:00:37,467
Just get out.
17
00:00:37,467 --> 00:00:40,834
Fine. Maybe D.J.
Left some sugar pops
in the couch.
18
00:00:41,968 --> 00:00:42,968
When?
19
00:00:42,968 --> 00:00:44,567
One minute she said.
20
00:00:44,567 --> 00:00:46,534
You know she's
a liar, Roseanne.
21
00:00:46,534 --> 00:00:48,534
Well, she's trying
to be nice.
22
00:00:48,534 --> 00:00:50,534
We'll just have
to take it.
23
00:00:50,534 --> 00:00:52,434
We're never
going to eat.
24
00:00:52,434 --> 00:00:54,501
Just get a hold
of yourself now.
25
00:00:54,501 --> 00:00:57,501
We just have to get
our minds off food
26
00:00:57,501 --> 00:00:59,501
And we think
of something else.
27
00:00:59,501 --> 00:01:02,067
I might get
my christmas
bonus tomorrow.
28
00:01:02,067 --> 00:01:03,868
I hope
it's spaghetti.
29
00:01:03,868 --> 00:01:06,133
Where do you
keep your spices?
30
00:01:06,133 --> 00:01:07,701
In the salt shaker.
31
00:01:09,868 --> 00:01:10,934
O.k.
32
00:01:10,934 --> 00:01:14,200
And is Darlene going
to eat with us?
33
00:01:14,200 --> 00:01:17,801
No. She usually
just fixes herself
a sandwich.
34
00:01:17,801 --> 00:01:20,667
Oh. I hope I didn't
make too much.
35
00:01:20,667 --> 00:01:22,667
No. You can't
make too much.
36
00:01:22,667 --> 00:01:24,133
Just start cooking.
37
00:01:24,133 --> 00:01:25,701
O.k. Okey-doke.
38
00:01:25,701 --> 00:01:27,634
Leon told me
to ask you
39
00:01:27,634 --> 00:01:30,701
If you want to be
Santa at the mall.
40
00:01:30,701 --> 00:01:33,501
And it pays
10 bucks an hour.
41
00:01:33,501 --> 00:01:35,467
A little late
for hiring Santas.
42
00:01:35,467 --> 00:01:37,467
Well, the last guy
got bit,
43
00:01:37,467 --> 00:01:40,400
And he had to go get
a tetanus shot.
44
00:01:40,400 --> 00:01:42,367
Well, that's
very tempting.
45
00:01:42,367 --> 00:01:44,434
That wouldn't
happen to you.
46
00:01:44,434 --> 00:01:45,934
You're good with kids.
47
00:01:45,934 --> 00:01:48,133
Not ours,
but other people's.
48
00:01:48,133 --> 00:01:50,968
I got
a shop to run.
49
00:01:50,968 --> 00:01:52,334
Hey.
50
00:01:52,334 --> 00:01:53,467
Darlene.
51
00:01:53,467 --> 00:01:55,300
Very good.
52
00:01:55,300 --> 00:01:58,234
We thought
you were rotting
in your room.
53
00:01:58,234 --> 00:01:59,734
Sorry to disappoint you.
54
00:01:59,734 --> 00:02:01,167
Where were you?
55
00:02:01,167 --> 00:02:02,701
I was out.
56
00:02:02,701 --> 00:02:03,701
Where?
57
00:02:03,701 --> 00:02:05,167
With a friend.
58
00:02:05,167 --> 00:02:06,667
Do we know her?
59
00:02:06,667 --> 00:02:07,767
No.
60
00:02:07,767 --> 00:02:09,167
Well,
what's her name?
61
00:02:09,167 --> 00:02:10,834
Karen, o.k.? God.
62
00:02:10,834 --> 00:02:13,834
I have to account
to you for everything?
63
00:02:13,834 --> 00:02:17,267
Get your own damn life
and stay out of mine.
64
00:02:17,267 --> 00:02:19,834
Did you hear
what she said to us?
65
00:02:19,834 --> 00:02:22,167
Yeah. She's finally
got a friend.
66
00:02:22,167 --> 00:02:25,434
And her name
is Karen.
67
00:02:25,434 --> 00:02:26,934
Karen.
68
00:02:26,934 --> 00:02:29,033
"Hi, Karen.
Come on in, Karen.
69
00:02:29,033 --> 00:02:30,934
"Darlene's upstairs,
Karen.
70
00:02:30,934 --> 00:02:33,400
Love your nose ring,
Karen."
71
00:02:33,400 --> 00:02:35,467
"Say, are you
naturally bald
72
00:02:35,467 --> 00:02:38,467
On one side of
your head there, Karen?"
73
00:02:38,467 --> 00:02:41,033
"Can I hold your gun
for you, Karen?"
74
00:02:41,033 --> 00:02:42,467
It's not ready yet.
75
00:02:42,467 --> 00:02:44,901
You're done.
Oh, yes, it is.
76
00:03:58,501 --> 00:04:00,300
So, how was
Jackie's dinner?
77
00:04:00,300 --> 00:04:01,734
Oh, it was
beautiful.
78
00:04:01,734 --> 00:04:03,234
These little
midget chickens
79
00:04:03,234 --> 00:04:05,234
All laid down
on this plate
80
00:04:05,234 --> 00:04:07,734
With little tiny
baby vegetables
all around it.
81
00:04:07,734 --> 00:04:10,234
It was just like
a work of art.
82
00:04:10,234 --> 00:04:12,868
We ate it
in nine seconds.
83
00:04:12,868 --> 00:04:14,367
That should teach her.
84
00:04:14,367 --> 00:04:17,367
Well, she gets this way
around the holidays--
85
00:04:17,367 --> 00:04:20,234
Loving, caring,
giving, annoying.
86
00:04:20,234 --> 00:04:22,167
Well, here you go,
ladies.
87
00:04:22,167 --> 00:04:23,334
Bonus time.
88
00:04:23,334 --> 00:04:25,234
Just Rodbell's
little way
of saying,
89
00:04:25,234 --> 00:04:27,467
"Yeah.
You work here, too."
90
00:04:28,868 --> 00:04:30,868
I thought we were
getting cash.
91
00:04:30,868 --> 00:04:32,501
A popular
misconception.
92
00:04:32,501 --> 00:04:33,968
Merry christmas.
93
00:04:33,968 --> 00:04:35,033
This is gonna suck.
94
00:04:35,033 --> 00:04:37,701
And a happy
new year.
95
00:04:37,701 --> 00:04:40,234
A Rodbell's coffee mug?
96
00:04:40,234 --> 00:04:42,100
You're right.
That does suck.
97
00:04:42,100 --> 00:04:44,367
What did you get,
Leon?
98
00:04:44,367 --> 00:04:47,567
Oh. Cash again.
99
00:04:47,567 --> 00:04:49,000
I don't believe this.
100
00:04:49,000 --> 00:04:51,067
What did you get,
Walter?
101
00:04:51,067 --> 00:04:52,567
I don't know,
and I don't care.
102
00:04:52,567 --> 00:04:54,400
I'm not opening it
on principle.
103
00:04:54,400 --> 00:04:57,400
This whole
christmas thing
is way out of hand.
104
00:04:57,400 --> 00:04:58,868
Here we go.
105
00:04:58,868 --> 00:05:01,400
It's unbelievable, it's not
about peace on earth anymore.
106
00:05:01,400 --> 00:05:02,934
It's not about god.
107
00:05:02,934 --> 00:05:05,400
It's about
buying grandma
a clock radio
108
00:05:05,400 --> 00:05:07,334
even though
she doesn't need it
109
00:05:07,334 --> 00:05:09,834
just because
she sent you
a cheese basket,
110
00:05:09,834 --> 00:05:11,834
which you gave
to the mailman
111
00:05:11,834 --> 00:05:13,667
who really
wanted scotch.
112
00:05:13,667 --> 00:05:16,834
I think we found
our Santa claus.
113
00:05:16,834 --> 00:05:18,868
I already
told you, Leon.
114
00:05:18,868 --> 00:05:20,434
I'm not gonna be Santa.
115
00:05:20,434 --> 00:05:22,367
Why not?
It's $10 an hour.
116
00:05:22,367 --> 00:05:25,467
I heard they never found
that last guy's finger.
117
00:05:25,467 --> 00:05:26,934
No. He's fine.
118
00:05:26,934 --> 00:05:30,367
He'll be able to hold
a cup again by february.
119
00:05:30,367 --> 00:05:31,934
Yeah. Good.
Goodbye, Leon.
120
00:05:31,934 --> 00:05:33,934
If I don't find
somebody soon,
121
00:05:33,934 --> 00:05:36,868
I'll have to throw
that fat suit
on myself.
122
00:05:36,868 --> 00:05:38,434
Did you ask Dan?
123
00:05:38,434 --> 00:05:40,367
Yeah, but he
can't do it.
124
00:05:40,367 --> 00:05:42,868
And we really need
the money, too.
125
00:05:42,868 --> 00:05:45,234
Well, we need
a Mrs. Claus.
126
00:05:45,234 --> 00:05:46,734
What does she do?
127
00:05:46,734 --> 00:05:49,234
She gets the kids
to stand in line,
128
00:05:49,234 --> 00:05:51,601
Takes their photos,
hands out
the candy canes.
129
00:05:51,601 --> 00:05:52,968
Can you do that?
130
00:05:52,968 --> 00:05:54,534
For $10 an hour,
131
00:05:54,534 --> 00:05:56,968
pretend like
I'm married
to some fat guy
132
00:05:56,968 --> 00:05:59,234
that sits in his chair
all the time?
133
00:05:59,234 --> 00:06:01,567
I can fake my way
through it.
134
00:06:01,567 --> 00:06:02,634
7.50.
135
00:06:02,634 --> 00:06:04,601
What, the woman
runs herself ragged
136
00:06:04,601 --> 00:06:07,267
for half
the money as Santa?
137
00:06:07,267 --> 00:06:09,634
Sorry. That's what's
in the budget.
138
00:06:09,634 --> 00:06:12,434
Well, but that's
discrimination.
139
00:06:12,434 --> 00:06:15,434
Why did we yell
"burn our bras"
140
00:06:15,434 --> 00:06:16,934
and march
on Washington?
141
00:06:16,934 --> 00:06:18,934
Why did
Mary Tyler Moore
142
00:06:18,934 --> 00:06:21,934
take her hat
and toss it in the air?
143
00:06:21,934 --> 00:06:24,033
For 2.50
less than Santa?
144
00:06:24,033 --> 00:06:25,667
I don't think so.
145
00:06:25,667 --> 00:06:28,734
Well, there goes
a few seconds
of my life
146
00:06:28,734 --> 00:06:30,100
I'll never get back.
147
00:06:30,100 --> 00:06:32,234
I want $10 an hour.
148
00:06:32,234 --> 00:06:34,167
I can't change
the budget, Roseanne.
149
00:06:34,167 --> 00:06:36,367
Well, then,
let me be Santa.
150
00:06:36,367 --> 00:06:37,901
Oh, please.
151
00:06:37,901 --> 00:06:40,267
Come on. I'm jolly.
152
00:06:40,267 --> 00:06:42,534
Oh, in that case, no.
153
00:06:42,534 --> 00:06:44,601
I want to be Santa.
154
00:06:44,601 --> 00:06:46,667
I want to be
Liza Minnelli,
155
00:06:46,667 --> 00:06:49,467
But we don't always
get what we want.
156
00:06:49,467 --> 00:06:51,901
Leon, Santa's got to
be a woman anyway.
157
00:06:51,901 --> 00:06:55,534
Who else
would do so much
for so little?
158
00:06:55,534 --> 00:06:57,000
Roseanne.
159
00:06:57,000 --> 00:06:58,968
Santa takes care
of children.
160
00:06:58,968 --> 00:07:00,968
I do that all year.
161
00:07:00,968 --> 00:07:02,968
Let me love, care,
and nurture.
162
00:07:02,968 --> 00:07:05,033
And pay me in cash
163
00:07:05,033 --> 00:07:07,601
so I don't have
to declare it.
164
00:07:07,601 --> 00:07:09,567
I don't believe
I'm doing this.
165
00:07:09,567 --> 00:07:12,033
You sure you don't
want to be Mrs. Claus?
166
00:07:12,033 --> 00:07:14,934
No. It's a stupid,
thankless menial job
167
00:07:14,934 --> 00:07:17,267
that nobody
even cares about.
168
00:07:17,267 --> 00:07:21,634
That would be
just perfect
for Jackie.
169
00:07:48,934 --> 00:07:50,501
Roseanne,
you ready?
170
00:07:50,501 --> 00:07:52,501
Yeah. Is my beard
on straight?
171
00:07:52,501 --> 00:07:53,501
Yeah.
172
00:07:53,501 --> 00:07:55,501
Can you see
my boobs?
173
00:07:55,501 --> 00:07:57,267
No. No boobs.
174
00:07:57,267 --> 00:07:59,868
So, Santa,
what do you think
of your wife here?
175
00:07:59,868 --> 00:08:01,801
Well, I must have
married you
176
00:08:01,801 --> 00:08:04,901
before this
christmas thing
made me a big star.
177
00:08:04,901 --> 00:08:06,334
You're a pig.
178
00:08:06,334 --> 00:08:08,000
Ho ho ho.
179
00:08:09,067 --> 00:08:12,501
Well, kids. Hiya.
180
00:08:12,501 --> 00:08:13,801
My, you've all grown
181
00:08:13,801 --> 00:08:16,434
Since I saw you
last year.
182
00:08:16,434 --> 00:08:18,367
Hi.
183
00:08:18,367 --> 00:08:20,834
Santa can't wait
to talk to you.
184
00:08:20,834 --> 00:08:22,334
But before he does,
185
00:08:22,334 --> 00:08:24,400
my dear wife
Mrs. Claus
186
00:08:24,400 --> 00:08:27,334
would like to tell you
just what we'll do.
187
00:08:27,334 --> 00:08:28,834
All right.
Listen up.
188
00:08:28,834 --> 00:08:30,334
This is
the procedure.
189
00:08:32,200 --> 00:08:34,334
You step up
to the lap,
190
00:08:34,334 --> 00:08:36,334
you state
your christmas wish.
191
00:08:36,334 --> 00:08:38,367
Get your candy cane,
your photo,
192
00:08:38,367 --> 00:08:40,367
and you leave
the lap.
193
00:08:40,367 --> 00:08:42,367
Any deviation
from this procedure
194
00:08:42,367 --> 00:08:45,367
will result in loss
of candy cane.
195
00:08:45,367 --> 00:08:48,300
Remember,
possession of cane
is a privilege,
196
00:08:48,300 --> 00:08:50,033
not a right.
197
00:08:53,367 --> 00:08:56,567
Nobody gets bit
on my beat.
198
00:09:03,434 --> 00:09:06,167
Oh, that's o.k., Sally,
Santa's just as
afraid of you
199
00:09:06,167 --> 00:09:08,000
as you are of him.
200
00:09:08,000 --> 00:09:09,467
What do you want?
201
00:09:09,467 --> 00:09:10,968
Go ahead, Sally.
202
00:09:10,968 --> 00:09:13,834
Ask for that
Heidi homemaker
vacuum cleaner
203
00:09:13,834 --> 00:09:15,901
and the little
suzy steam iron.
204
00:09:15,901 --> 00:09:18,300
Is that what
you want, Sally?
205
00:09:18,300 --> 00:09:21,901
And tell Santa
that you want
those ballet slippers.
206
00:09:21,901 --> 00:09:23,901
Come on, sweetie.
207
00:09:23,901 --> 00:09:27,400
Tell him
that you want to be
a prima ballerina
208
00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:29,100
like we talked about.
209
00:09:29,100 --> 00:09:30,467
Tell him.
210
00:09:30,467 --> 00:09:34,434
Mom, would you mind
pli�ing your butt
behind the rope
211
00:09:34,434 --> 00:09:37,067
so Sally and I
can have a chat?
212
00:09:40,901 --> 00:09:42,901
You know,
that's o.k., Sally.
213
00:09:42,901 --> 00:09:45,934
Santa's mom
wanted him to be
a ballerina, too,
214
00:09:45,934 --> 00:09:49,033
But Santa did
just what
he wanted to do,
215
00:09:49,033 --> 00:09:50,934
And now
he's his own boss.
216
00:09:50,934 --> 00:09:52,901
He works
one day a year,
217
00:09:52,901 --> 00:09:54,934
And he's way
more famous
218
00:09:54,934 --> 00:09:56,467
Than even
Michael Jackson.
219
00:09:56,467 --> 00:09:58,601
What do you
want to be?
220
00:09:58,601 --> 00:10:01,033
Maybe I can
help you find a toy
221
00:10:01,033 --> 00:10:03,033
to get you there.
222
00:10:03,033 --> 00:10:05,501
I want to be
a dentist and a cow.
223
00:10:05,501 --> 00:10:06,501
Smile.
224
00:10:09,501 --> 00:10:11,367
Remember this?
225
00:10:11,367 --> 00:10:15,367
Well, Jason,
Santa sees an awful
lot of teddy bears.
226
00:10:15,367 --> 00:10:18,567
You gave it
to me last year.
227
00:10:18,567 --> 00:10:22,400
Well, that's 'cause
you were such
a good boy.
228
00:10:22,400 --> 00:10:24,100
I hate it.
229
00:10:25,968 --> 00:10:27,968
I wrote you
a letter
230
00:10:27,968 --> 00:10:29,968
asking for a truck.
231
00:10:29,968 --> 00:10:32,334
Wow. Hmm.
232
00:10:32,334 --> 00:10:33,868
Mrs. Claus.
233
00:10:33,868 --> 00:10:35,901
Come here a minute,
please.
234
00:10:35,901 --> 00:10:37,968
There seems
to be some mix-up.
235
00:10:37,968 --> 00:10:39,901
I never got
Jason's letter.
236
00:10:39,901 --> 00:10:43,267
I want you
to find the elf
responsible for this
237
00:10:43,267 --> 00:10:45,567
and fire him
immediately.
238
00:10:45,567 --> 00:10:46,901
He's gone.
He's history.
239
00:10:46,901 --> 00:10:48,400
Right away, Santa.
240
00:10:49,834 --> 00:10:51,434
Happy now, jason?
241
00:10:51,434 --> 00:10:52,434
Uh-huh.
242
00:10:52,434 --> 00:10:53,868
Then smile.
243
00:10:56,033 --> 00:10:58,934
So does little Ed
want to tell Santa
244
00:10:58,934 --> 00:11:01,501
what he want
for christmas?
245
00:11:01,501 --> 00:11:04,434
Well, he like
to stay with
his auntie Roseanne
246
00:11:04,434 --> 00:11:05,868
for a whole weekend
247
00:11:05,868 --> 00:11:08,901
so his mommy and daddy
can go away together.
248
00:11:08,901 --> 00:11:10,968
Crystal,
I already got you
249
00:11:10,968 --> 00:11:12,901
a limited edition
Rodbell's
coffee mug.
250
00:11:12,901 --> 00:11:14,400
Give it a rest
251
00:11:14,400 --> 00:11:16,901
so I can talk
to the kid here.
252
00:11:16,901 --> 00:11:20,434
* Ah, little Ed,
little Ed **
253
00:11:20,434 --> 00:11:22,934
A new nightie,
big dangling
earrings,
254
00:11:22,934 --> 00:11:24,934
And a 3-speed
hair dryer.
255
00:11:24,934 --> 00:11:28,400
Yeah. And a bottle
of that submission
perfume.
256
00:11:28,400 --> 00:11:29,968
The big size,
257
00:11:29,968 --> 00:11:31,901
because Rodbell's
will give me
258
00:11:31,901 --> 00:11:32,901
A free umbrella
with that.
259
00:11:32,901 --> 00:11:33,901
Got it.
260
00:11:33,901 --> 00:11:35,901
Give that
to your dad
261
00:11:35,901 --> 00:11:38,100
and give Santa
a big kiss.
262
00:11:38,100 --> 00:11:39,100
Oh, mom.
263
00:11:44,267 --> 00:11:46,234
Here we go, Jimmy.
264
00:11:46,234 --> 00:11:48,133
Jackie, this kid
wasn't next.
265
00:11:48,133 --> 00:11:49,634
Sure he was.
266
00:11:49,634 --> 00:11:51,634
He was way back
in line.
267
00:11:51,634 --> 00:11:53,634
He gave me a buck.
268
00:11:56,200 --> 00:11:59,634
Yeah, well, Santa
doesn't believe
in you either.
269
00:12:02,501 --> 00:12:04,501
Ow. My ear.
Ow. Quit it.
270
00:12:04,501 --> 00:12:05,834
Ow. My ear.
271
00:12:05,834 --> 00:12:07,200
Ow.
272
00:12:07,200 --> 00:12:08,434
Ooh.
273
00:12:08,434 --> 00:12:10,434
Ow!
274
00:12:12,934 --> 00:12:14,667
There you go.
275
00:12:14,667 --> 00:12:16,033
Good, isn't it?
276
00:12:16,033 --> 00:12:20,367
All right.
There's a life saver
in there.
277
00:12:20,367 --> 00:12:23,367
Hey. Kid. Get away
from that camera.
278
00:12:23,367 --> 00:12:24,934
You hear me?
279
00:12:24,934 --> 00:12:26,868
Get away
from that camera!
280
00:12:39,701 --> 00:12:41,701
Oh, come on up here.
281
00:12:41,701 --> 00:12:43,501
Ahh! All righty.
282
00:12:43,501 --> 00:12:45,000
What's your name?
283
00:12:45,000 --> 00:12:46,934
Sammy,
and I've been good.
284
00:12:46,934 --> 00:12:49,434
Oh, a kid
that knows the drill.
285
00:12:49,434 --> 00:12:50,934
I like that.
286
00:12:50,934 --> 00:12:53,434
What can I get for you?
287
00:12:53,434 --> 00:12:54,634
A bb gun.
288
00:12:54,634 --> 00:12:56,133
Oh, I'm sorry,
289
00:12:56,133 --> 00:12:59,067
But Santa's fresh out
of guns this year.
290
00:12:59,067 --> 00:13:01,067
Ah, come on, Santa,
see I don't have a dad,
291
00:13:01,067 --> 00:13:04,033
and I need a gun
to protect the house.
292
00:13:04,033 --> 00:13:07,701
You do, too,
have a dad. Jeez.
293
00:13:07,701 --> 00:13:11,367
Oh, you fibbed to Santa.
You're getting clothes.
294
00:13:13,968 --> 00:13:15,501
Mom.
295
00:13:15,501 --> 00:13:18,434
Well, Santa, usually
he's a pretty good boy,
296
00:13:18,434 --> 00:13:22,067
So I think maybe a sled
would be o.k.
297
00:13:22,067 --> 00:13:23,701
You just remember this--
298
00:13:23,701 --> 00:13:25,367
I know
when you're sleeping.
299
00:13:25,367 --> 00:13:26,767
I know
when you're awake.
300
00:13:26,767 --> 00:13:29,467
You step out of line
one more time,
301
00:13:29,467 --> 00:13:32,834
you'll wake up
christmas morning
knee-deep in sweaters.
302
00:13:32,834 --> 00:13:34,067
Now, smile.
303
00:13:36,400 --> 00:13:38,501
Go get your candy cane.
304
00:13:38,501 --> 00:13:40,934
I can't
believe he did that
305
00:13:40,934 --> 00:13:42,834
right in front of me.
306
00:13:42,834 --> 00:13:44,901
Well, we all
lie sometimes,
307
00:13:44,901 --> 00:13:48,334
like, for instance, I'm
not really Santa claus.
308
00:13:48,334 --> 00:13:50,901
I know. Darlene told me.
309
00:13:50,901 --> 00:13:53,367
Are you one
of Darlene's teachers?
310
00:13:53,367 --> 00:13:56,000
No. I own the bookstore
on third street.
311
00:13:56,000 --> 00:13:59,200
Darlene comes in a lot.
I'm Karen Miller.
312
00:13:59,200 --> 00:14:00,634
Oh, you're Karen?
313
00:14:00,634 --> 00:14:03,634
I already gave you
a candy cane, Sammy.
314
00:14:03,634 --> 00:14:04,634
Did not.
315
00:14:04,634 --> 00:14:06,133
I did, too!
316
00:14:06,133 --> 00:14:07,934
Uh, well,
I better go.
317
00:14:07,934 --> 00:14:10,434
It was nice to meet you.
318
00:14:10,434 --> 00:14:12,567
Do you
believe that kid?
319
00:14:12,567 --> 00:14:13,901
What's the matter?
320
00:14:13,901 --> 00:14:15,467
Remember I told you
321
00:14:15,467 --> 00:14:17,968
Darlene had
that new friend Karen?
322
00:14:17,968 --> 00:14:19,701
Yeah. Is that her mom?
323
00:14:19,701 --> 00:14:21,167
No. That's her.
324
00:14:21,167 --> 00:14:22,167
You're kidding.
325
00:14:22,167 --> 00:14:24,901
I thought
she'd be younger.
326
00:14:24,901 --> 00:14:26,901
Well, duh, Jackie.
327
00:14:26,901 --> 00:14:28,467
Well, so what?
328
00:14:28,467 --> 00:14:30,467
Well, maybe
she's the reason
329
00:14:30,467 --> 00:14:32,467
Darlene's all weird,
you know.
330
00:14:32,467 --> 00:14:33,901
Look,
she's all in black.
331
00:14:33,901 --> 00:14:35,901
Darlene dresses
all in black.
332
00:14:35,901 --> 00:14:37,133
She owns a bookstore.
333
00:14:37,133 --> 00:14:39,467
Darlene's been doing
all this reading lately.
334
00:14:39,467 --> 00:14:40,901
It's not a cult.
335
00:14:40,901 --> 00:14:42,901
What happened
to you being happy
336
00:14:42,901 --> 00:14:45,334
That Darlene
even had a friend?
337
00:14:45,334 --> 00:14:47,267
This friend's
supposed to be 15
338
00:14:47,267 --> 00:14:49,934
with a retainer
and a bad attitude.
339
00:14:49,934 --> 00:14:52,501
The kind of kid
you want to smack.
340
00:14:52,501 --> 00:14:54,934
That's what
I was hoping for.
341
00:15:12,701 --> 00:15:14,200
Hi. Remember me?
342
00:15:14,200 --> 00:15:15,200
Uh...
343
00:15:15,200 --> 00:15:18,467
Fat guy, beard,
at the mall.
344
00:15:18,467 --> 00:15:19,801
Oh, Mrs. Conner.
345
00:15:19,801 --> 00:15:20,801
Roseanne.
346
00:15:20,801 --> 00:15:21,868
Roseanne.
347
00:15:21,868 --> 00:15:22,868
Hi.
348
00:15:22,868 --> 00:15:24,601
Hi. Um...
349
00:15:24,601 --> 00:15:25,801
How's Sammy?
350
00:15:25,801 --> 00:15:29,000
We're fighting.
I told him
to clean his room.
351
00:15:29,000 --> 00:15:31,100
He said he
couldn't hear me
352
00:15:31,100 --> 00:15:33,200
because
he was born deaf.
353
00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:36,267
Well, that's pretty good
for his age.
354
00:15:36,267 --> 00:15:39,734
I'll be glad when he's
out of this lying phase.
355
00:15:39,734 --> 00:15:41,901
Is he your only kid?
356
00:15:41,901 --> 00:15:42,968
Yeah.
357
00:15:42,968 --> 00:15:46,367
I got three.
It's not a phase.
358
00:15:46,367 --> 00:15:47,801
It's a nice shop.
359
00:15:47,801 --> 00:15:49,067
Oh, yeah. Thanks.
360
00:15:49,067 --> 00:15:51,434
I can't compete
with big chains,
361
00:15:51,434 --> 00:15:54,434
So I mostly sell
the hard-to-find stuff.
362
00:15:54,434 --> 00:15:55,767
Darlene's
my worst customer,
363
00:15:55,767 --> 00:15:58,767
always comes in,
sits in the back, reads,
364
00:15:58,767 --> 00:16:00,100
Never buys anything.
365
00:16:00,100 --> 00:16:02,434
Yeah. She
got that from me.
366
00:16:02,434 --> 00:16:05,801
I taught her
to eat dinner
in the supermarket.
367
00:16:05,801 --> 00:16:08,300
She's not bothering you,
is she?
368
00:16:08,300 --> 00:16:11,434
Oh, are you kidding? No.
She's a real pleasure.
369
00:16:11,434 --> 00:16:16,968
That's just how
her father and I
describe her at home.
370
00:16:16,968 --> 00:16:20,434
You know, Karen, I came
over here 'cause
I wanted to, uh...
371
00:16:20,434 --> 00:16:24,467
You want to talk about
the Star Trek convention,
right?
372
00:16:24,467 --> 00:16:26,901
Well, we
can start there.
373
00:16:26,901 --> 00:16:30,467
I was going to bring
it up at the store,
374
00:16:30,467 --> 00:16:32,567
But you were
kind of crazed.
375
00:16:32,567 --> 00:16:34,267
She wouldn't
miss any school.
376
00:16:34,267 --> 00:16:36,968
She got so excited
when I mentioned it.
377
00:16:36,968 --> 00:16:39,534
My husband and I would
love to take Sammy.
378
00:16:39,534 --> 00:16:41,067
She's so good with him.
379
00:16:41,067 --> 00:16:43,300
We figured she'd
watch him at night.
380
00:16:43,300 --> 00:16:45,400
I understand
why you said no,
381
00:16:45,400 --> 00:16:48,467
But my husband and I are
perfectly normal people
382
00:16:48,467 --> 00:16:52,901
Who just happen to
dress up like romulans
once or twice a year.
383
00:16:52,901 --> 00:16:55,300
Well, I didn't
exactly say no.
384
00:16:55,300 --> 00:16:56,534
Oh.
385
00:16:56,534 --> 00:16:59,567
Well, great. I wish
you'd think about it.
386
00:16:59,567 --> 00:17:00,734
She's just so excited.
387
00:17:00,734 --> 00:17:03,067
She's so into
science fiction now.
388
00:17:03,067 --> 00:17:05,067
Look at the stuff
she's writing.
389
00:17:05,067 --> 00:17:06,501
Yeah.
I'd really like to.
390
00:17:06,501 --> 00:17:09,734
You got any of it
laying around?
391
00:17:09,734 --> 00:17:11,434
Uh, what do you mean?
392
00:17:11,434 --> 00:17:14,167
She hasn't shown you
any of them.
393
00:17:14,167 --> 00:17:15,167
No.
394
00:17:15,167 --> 00:17:17,234
Oh, well,
maybe, you know,
395
00:17:17,234 --> 00:17:19,667
She's testing them
out on me
396
00:17:19,667 --> 00:17:21,901
Before she shows them
to you.
397
00:17:21,901 --> 00:17:24,868
That's a nice try,
but I don't think so.
398
00:17:24,868 --> 00:17:26,534
What are you
doing here?
399
00:17:26,534 --> 00:17:30,601
Well, I met Karen
at the mall and--
400
00:17:30,601 --> 00:17:32,300
You just can't you stay
out of my life can you?
401
00:17:32,300 --> 00:17:33,501
No.
402
00:17:33,501 --> 00:17:35,901
I can't believe
you're spying on me.
403
00:17:35,901 --> 00:17:38,734
I can't believe a lot
of things either, Darlene.
404
00:17:38,734 --> 00:17:41,734
It would
probably be easier
to pretend I'm not here
405
00:17:41,734 --> 00:17:43,133
if I'm not here.
406
00:17:43,133 --> 00:17:44,868
Oh, man.
407
00:17:44,868 --> 00:17:49,033
Well, how come
you didn't tell me
that Karen's my age?
408
00:17:49,033 --> 00:17:51,033
Well, that's none
of your business.
409
00:17:51,033 --> 00:17:52,300
What is my business, Darlene
410
00:17:52,300 --> 00:17:54,868
To find out why
I'm not letting you go
411
00:17:54,868 --> 00:17:56,801
to this star trek
convention
412
00:17:56,801 --> 00:17:58,367
you never told me about?
413
00:17:58,367 --> 00:18:01,667
If you knew
you'd have come here
and embarrassed me.
414
00:18:01,667 --> 00:18:03,667
Well, I'm here anyway.
415
00:18:03,667 --> 00:18:04,968
I want to know
416
00:18:04,968 --> 00:18:08,501
why she knows more
about you than I do?
417
00:18:08,501 --> 00:18:11,067
Why can you talk
to her and not me?
418
00:18:11,067 --> 00:18:15,067
Why does she get to read
your writing and I don't?
419
00:18:15,067 --> 00:18:18,100
Because you'd laugh,
make a joke out of it.
420
00:18:18,100 --> 00:18:19,634
I would not laugh.
421
00:18:19,634 --> 00:18:22,167
I didn't laugh
at your poem.
422
00:18:22,167 --> 00:18:24,868
Two years ago, you put
it on the refrigerator.
423
00:18:24,868 --> 00:18:26,200
It was cute.
424
00:18:26,200 --> 00:18:28,033
I was proud of you.
425
00:18:28,033 --> 00:18:30,067
Yeah.
I'm not cute anymore.
426
00:18:30,067 --> 00:18:31,434
Oh, believe me, Darlene.
427
00:18:31,434 --> 00:18:34,033
Nobody knows that
better than I do.
428
00:18:34,033 --> 00:18:37,767
What if I
don't believe in god
and write that?
429
00:18:37,767 --> 00:18:40,868
Would you put that
on the refrigerator?
430
00:18:40,868 --> 00:18:42,801
You don't
believe in god now?
431
00:18:42,801 --> 00:18:44,200
Maybe.
432
00:18:44,200 --> 00:18:46,701
Well, who do
you think created,
433
00:18:46,701 --> 00:18:48,801
you know,
the final frontier,
434
00:18:48,801 --> 00:18:51,467
the place where no man's
ever gone before?
435
00:18:51,467 --> 00:18:55,367
Who do you think did
that, James T. Kirk, huh?
436
00:18:55,367 --> 00:18:57,000
Typical. Do a joke.
437
00:18:57,000 --> 00:19:00,367
Well, you've got it all
figured out, don't you?
438
00:19:00,367 --> 00:19:01,868
When I was 15,
439
00:19:01,868 --> 00:19:05,434
I was sure
that I knew it all, too.
440
00:19:05,434 --> 00:19:07,200
We're not
talking about you!
441
00:19:07,200 --> 00:19:08,701
We're talking about me!
442
00:19:08,701 --> 00:19:10,634
I'll never be like you!
443
00:19:10,634 --> 00:19:14,267
It's too late, Darlene.
You are exactly like me.
444
00:19:16,501 --> 00:19:17,801
Yeah, right.
445
00:19:17,801 --> 00:19:21,801
Yeah, right.
You have to have
the total last word,
446
00:19:21,801 --> 00:19:23,267
Just like I did.
447
00:19:23,267 --> 00:19:24,267
Right.
448
00:19:24,267 --> 00:19:25,501
Right.
449
00:19:26,567 --> 00:19:27,734
Right.
450
00:19:27,734 --> 00:19:28,934
Right.
451
00:19:28,934 --> 00:19:30,434
Right.
452
00:19:30,434 --> 00:19:31,434
Right!
453
00:19:31,434 --> 00:19:32,434
Right.
454
00:19:32,434 --> 00:19:34,868
Right, right, right,
right, right, right.
455
00:19:34,868 --> 00:19:35,868
Right.
456
00:19:45,601 --> 00:19:46,601
Hey, Becky, what's doing?
457
00:19:46,601 --> 00:19:49,934
Oh, everything.
458
00:19:52,133 --> 00:19:54,701
What does that mean?
459
00:19:54,701 --> 00:19:58,267
Mark gave me my christmas
present a little early.
460
00:19:58,267 --> 00:20:00,234
What did he give you?
461
00:20:02,067 --> 00:20:03,400
Aah! Aah! Aah!
462
00:20:03,400 --> 00:20:04,767
Dad, I'm kidding.
463
00:20:04,767 --> 00:20:07,534
I got it out
of a gumball machine.
464
00:20:07,534 --> 00:20:09,000
It's a joke.
465
00:20:09,000 --> 00:20:11,601
Don't you ever
do that again.
466
00:20:12,801 --> 00:20:15,167
I'm sorry.
I thought you'd laugh.
467
00:20:15,167 --> 00:20:18,200
No. That was not funny.
That was cruel.
468
00:20:19,934 --> 00:20:23,200
Ooh, here comes
your mom. Do it to her.
469
00:20:23,200 --> 00:20:24,334
All right.
470
00:20:25,400 --> 00:20:26,400
What?
471
00:20:26,400 --> 00:20:28,133
Maybe later.
472
00:20:31,400 --> 00:20:33,167
Hey, what's with you?
473
00:20:33,167 --> 00:20:35,133
Well, I just met Karen.
474
00:20:35,133 --> 00:20:36,133
Darlene's friend?
475
00:20:36,133 --> 00:20:37,234
Yeah.
476
00:20:37,234 --> 00:20:39,133
What's she like?
477
00:20:39,133 --> 00:20:41,534
Well, she
has a 5-year-old.
478
00:20:41,534 --> 00:20:43,634
Was she a senior?
479
00:20:43,634 --> 00:20:46,501
No. She's my age.
480
00:20:46,501 --> 00:20:47,567
You're kidding.
481
00:20:47,567 --> 00:20:49,868
No, and that
ain't all either.
482
00:20:49,868 --> 00:20:51,934
Did you know
that Darlene
483
00:20:51,934 --> 00:20:54,100
Likes to write
short stories
484
00:20:54,100 --> 00:20:57,601
And Darlene likes
to go to Star Trek
conventions,
485
00:20:57,601 --> 00:21:00,100
And, well, when
she's around Karen,
486
00:21:00,100 --> 00:21:01,834
Darlene's
just a pleasure.
487
00:21:01,834 --> 00:21:03,667
Well, that ain't fair.
488
00:21:03,667 --> 00:21:07,167
It's like
she's living some kind
of a double life.
489
00:21:07,167 --> 00:21:10,133
That's two more than
we thought she had.
490
00:21:13,367 --> 00:21:16,167
I guess that's good for
Darlene and everything,
491
00:21:16,167 --> 00:21:18,901
That she's got somebody
to talk to.
492
00:21:18,901 --> 00:21:21,567
Well, this woman's o.k.?
493
00:21:21,567 --> 00:21:23,868
Yeah. She's really nice.
494
00:21:23,868 --> 00:21:27,901
I liked her, but I just
feel really left out.
495
00:21:27,901 --> 00:21:30,400
She gets the Darlene
that I want,
496
00:21:30,400 --> 00:21:33,901
the one that writes and
talks and does stuff.
497
00:21:33,901 --> 00:21:36,467
I get
the grunting brat that--
498
00:21:36,467 --> 00:21:37,968
Pss. Pss. Pss.
499
00:21:37,968 --> 00:21:39,567
Hey.
500
00:21:39,567 --> 00:21:40,734
Hi.
501
00:22:05,501 --> 00:22:06,801
What's that?
502
00:22:06,801 --> 00:22:09,667
Well, I guess
it's something
that Darlene wrote,
503
00:22:09,667 --> 00:22:13,601
So I guess I do get
a christmas bonus
after all.
504
00:22:25,200 --> 00:22:29,634
What does your mom do
when you get in trouble,
505
00:22:29,634 --> 00:22:30,934
She yell at you?
506
00:22:30,934 --> 00:22:33,834
Usually, she...
507
00:22:33,834 --> 00:22:37,200
just says not
to do it again.
508
00:22:37,200 --> 00:22:39,033
Then you
do it again, right?
509
00:22:39,033 --> 00:22:40,534
Ha ha ha. No.
510
00:22:40,534 --> 00:22:43,033
Then you never
do it again?
511
00:22:43,033 --> 00:22:44,100
Well...
512
00:22:44,100 --> 00:22:46,868
You totally mind
what your mom says?
513
00:22:46,868 --> 00:22:48,267
That's pretty amazing.
514
00:22:49,367 --> 00:22:51,934
Did you
when you were little?
515
00:22:51,934 --> 00:22:54,934
No. No. I never minded.
516
00:22:54,934 --> 00:22:57,567
That's why
I'm a huge star now.
34664
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