Original subtitles

That's 28...29...30.

It's my daughter's first job.

I'm making her a scrapbook.

Mother are you going come in and humiliate me every day?

No, just till it ain't fun no more.

Becky, you look so cute in your little smock.

I was at her birth.

She weighed no more than this head of lettuce.

Just kill me now.

Thanks a lot.

O.k., o.k., my turn.

And I've got coupons!

Whoo-hoo!

You know these paper towels are on sale.

Yep, 2 for .89.

Ooh, she's good!

What's this?

Grapes.

This is three grapes.

How can I charge you for this?

I ate about seven or eight of them.

I believe I also had four grapes.

So charge me for, what, 10, 11, 15 grapes.

We charge by the pound, not the grape.

I know what I weighed before eating the grapes.

I'll climb on this scale...

Mom, stop it. People are waiting in line.

Becky?

What's the problem here?

Nothing, Howard. Everything's fine.

You've got customers and a belt that's not moving.

Make it move.

O.k., I'm sorry.

Becky, if this job's too much for you,

I can get somebody competent to take over.

Howard the longer you stand here and insult me,

The longer it'll take to check these people through.

If you go back to your manager cage,

We can both get our work done.

That's a keeper.

No, mother, you've done the right thing.

I've been telling you to do that the whole time.

You should have kicked his sorry butt out before thanksgiving.

I know he's my father,

But he's like every other man--

A lying sack of dirt.

No, you'll be fine.

What did he ever do for you?

He knocked you up twice

And took the garbage out on thursdays.

Should we erect a statue?

No, I won't talk to him.

That man is a giant pile of crap.

No, I'm not yelling.

I'm just saying you did the right thing.

Yes, you did!

So what if you've got adjacent burial plots?

That's no reason to stay married to somebody.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I love you, too.

Well, call me if you need anything.

All right. Bye.

Boy, what a day I had.

My father's little affair in Kansas City

has been going on for 20 years.

Not 2, 20.

Whoa.

Did your mom throw him out?

Of course. She doesn't have the strength

To drive some ice pick through his skull

And drag his lifeless body to some shallow grave.

Sounds like you've thought this through.

I like to think ahead.

How come the kids ain't eating with us?

Becky's still at work, D.J.'s eating at Todd's,

And Darlene's in her room sacrificing a chicken or whatever.

Macaroni and cheese!

Together again.

Your phone's been busy for an hour.

I been on with mom.

Yeah? How's she doing?

There won't be a bottle of chardonnay

Left in moline by morning.

What do you guys got going tonight?

Well, we'll sit in here until dinner's over.

Then we'll go sit in there.

I got an overnight haul to Topeka.

I was going to stop through Kansas City

And check out dad's mistress.

What am I thinking, huh?

I don't believe you.

He told me her name.

I looked it up in information and got her address.

It's totally insane. Are you coming?

Why would I want to do that?

Dad's been having an affair with her for 20 years.

I want to see what she looks like.

What would we even say to this woman?

We can figure that out on the way down there.

No way!

O.k. This little trip will make a great story,

And you'll just be the big wuss at the very beginning.

I'm not going.

O.k., fine.

I'll see you tomorrow night.

She has no business going to see this woman.

Driving all the way to Kansas City for what?

They make great barbecue sauce in Kansas City.

I'll bring you back some.

* On the road again *

* Da da da da da da da *

* Road again *

* Da da da da da da da *

* Da da da da da da da **

Sing with me, Jackie.

I don't know da da da da road again.

What's this button for?

Don't touch that!

Just stop distracting me.

I'm operating a 20-ton vehicle

at well past the legal speed limit.

O.k.

Can I drive?

No!

You begged me to come and now you're mean.

Did not. Am not.

Did, too. Are, too.

Just because I called dad a lying scum.

Everything is just so black and white to you.

Did you consider that mom drove him to it?

She drove him crazy. She made him nuts.

She drove me crazy, too,

but I didn't have another mom stashed on the side.

What will we say to this Joan woman?

We'll ask what kind of woman

would steal a man away from his happy family.

Where were you living?

We were never happy.

Maybe we would have been

if she'd left dad alone.

Now you're being unfair, Jackie.

What woman could rightly turn down

a patio furniture salesman

who cleaned out his ears with his car keys?

You just don't get it, do you?

Yeah, I do get it.

First it's mom's fault, then it's this woman's fault.

When is it going to be dad's fault, Jackie?

There's a word for this, and it's called denial.

I don't want to talk about it, o.k.?

Well, you started it.

Well, I'm stopping it.

O.k., o.k.

You want to play I spy again?

No.

License plate poker?

No.

O.k.

Knock, knock.

Come on.

Oh, who's there?

Cleopatra.

Cleopatra who?

Cleopatra, queen of denial.

Shut up!

God, you're such a grump.

Anybody want a pudding cup?

No.

God, I'm so bored.

Let's moon somebody.

Nah.

It's too cold.

Oh, look, a volkswagen.

Slug bug!

Come on. How old are you?

Grow up.

It's not like we're 9 years old anymore.

Cadillac whack!

I didn't hit you that hard.

That's for that trip to Gettysburg

we took together when we were little.

That was the worst trip ever.

I know, I know.

Every car that passed us

you beat the crap out of me.

800 Miles in a station wagon.

Just so dad could see cannonballs in a pile.

Mom said there would be rides.

They were such liars.

The trip back was good, though.

We were making all that noise until dad screamed,

"Not another word!"

Then we started making all those animal noises.

[Imitating monkeys]

Dad's yelling at us, mom's yelling at us,

and the whole time

neither one of them said a word to each other.

They never said a word to each other

unless it was about us kids fighting or getting in trouble.

Which we did a lot.

Yeah, we had to.

We were trying to save their marriage.

Dodge.

Dodge what?

Dodge this.

Ow!

God!

Dad, I hate my life!

Tough day, honey?

My jobs sucks and my boss is big dumb jerk.

That's too bad, dear.

And I can't quit,

Because there's never any money around here for anything I want.

Sorry, sweetheart.

If you expect me to clean up this rathole, you're nuts.

I'm taking a bath and going to bed.

Night, Rosie.

Hey, dad.

Hey, Deej. How was dinner over at Todd's house?

It was great. They had cloth napkins and everything.

No way.

Yeah. You want one?

Deej, you can't do that.

Mrs. Bowman gave it to me.

She did not.

After I blew my nose on it,

She said to keep it.

Way to go, Deej.

Next time, aim for their big screen TV set.

You finally get that wooden stake out of your heart?

Becky's upstairs crying. I didn't want to stick around.

What's wrong?

I promised I wouldn't tell.

You lied.

O.k. She stood up to her boss

and he busted her down to bag girl

and called her--

a bad word.

How bad a word?

Bad.

The "b" word?

Worse.

The "f" word?

Deej!

The "l" word?

What's the "l" word?

I don't know.

What's the "f" word?

D.J.

All right, Darlene, what word?

I'll kill him.

Dad, you're not supposed to know.

Hey, accidents happen.

A can of creamed corn could fall on his head

as many times as it takes.

* On the road again da da da da da *

* On the road again **

Honk honk!

That's enough. Move over.

I brought you a doughnut.

How was the bathrooms?

O.k., if you breath through your mouth.

I think I'll wait till Kansas City.

Aren't you going to have nothing?

No, I'm going to try to sleep.

We made good time. No need to press it.

I want to sleep, too.

You sleep up here.

I can't sleep sitting up unless I'm at work.

Well, there's not enough room back here, Roseanne.

There is so, Jackie. There's plenty of room.

No, come on.

Give it a shot.

Ow!

Move.

Ow! Roseanne.

Come on.

Come on.

I feel like I'm 8 and the bunk bed collapsed.

O.k., scoot down now.

Scoot down there. Scoot down.

Scoot down more.

O.k., this is great.

Is it o.k. for you?

No.

Turn over this way.

Go over, like, to face me, you know?

It's hot.

Get your head straight.

Bend your knees.

There.

Quit breathing all over me.

I can't. Go on, get out of here.

Go on.

Fine.

Give me a minute.

Roseanne?

What?

I'm sorry I've been such a grump all day.

That's o.k.

It's just that...

you know, I do think that it is...

kind of dad's fault.

Well, welcome back, Jackie.

He and I were just so close.

Now I don't feel like I can trust him.

That's what really stinks.

What I can't understand

is how mom didn't know about this for 20 years.

This woman could hear me unwrapping a hershey bar

up in my bedroom closet.

He had a great cover.

He was a traveling salesman.

He was on the road all the time.

He had those hunting trips and fishing trips...

Conventions.

Yeah.

Roseanne...

Dad could have kids with this woman.

They would be, like, Darlene's age.

Oh, man, that would serve him right.

Are you Howard?

Yeah, can I help you?

I have a problem.

Actually, it's your problem.

I'm Becky Conner's father.

Oh, no.

If you got to demote somebody

for not doing their job, I understand that.

But nobody talks to my daughter like you did. Got that?

Yes.

You going to hit me, too?

Becky hit you?

No, thug-boy over there.

Look, I already promised him

I'd apologize to Becky the minute she walked in.

I'm making her cashier again.

So what more do you people want from me?

I don't know yet. I'll get back to you.

Excuse me.

Hey. Hey. What the hell's going on here?

Everything's under control.

You can go home now.

I don't want to go home.

Did you hit that guy?

Damn right I did.

What gives you the right to do that?

Well, I'm her boyfriend.

Well, I'm her father.

So now you're mad at me?

No, not really.

So what's the problem?

The problem is, maybe I wanted to hit him.

So hit him.

Well, no.

You ruined it.

I'm sorry. I was here, so I hit him.

Check with me first.

If I don't want to hit him, you can hit him.

If I'd wanted to,

It would have been nice if I could have.

I only hit him once in the gut.

He puke?

No, but he wanted to.

So I guess I'm done here.

I'll hang around and make sure

This Howard guy apologizes to her.

O.k.

Good work.

No problem.

If I'd have hit him, he'd have puked.

There it is. Joan Crenshaw. 4-D.

That's it. That's the door.

Joan Crenshaw, the other woman.

Roseanne, I just had a thought.

What if dad's in there?

I mean, what if they're, like, doing it?

They've been together 20 years.

They don't do it anymore.

No, I think it's-- it's a bad idea.

We should just go.

We came all this way. Let's see this woman.

What are we going to say to her?

Hello. Can I help you?

Uh...

Are you, uh, Mrs. Felgred?

No. You have the wrong apartment.

Well, um, is there a Mrs. Felgred in this building?

I don't think so.

Well, sorry we bothered you.

No problem.

You didn't find out anything.

Like what?

Like does she have any kids?

Will she marry dad?

That would've blown my whole Felgred thing.

Excuse me.

You're Roseanne and Jackie, aren't you?

What do you think? Are we?

Your father showed me your pictures.

Oh.

Oh, yeah, we, uh...

Well, we never thought of that.

Came to check me out?

We're real sorry we bothered you.

No, it's o.k.

I knocked on your mother's door once

For the same reason.

Would you come in?

The place is a mess.

Well, maybe...

No, we've got a truckload of stuff

we've got to get somewhere.

Maybe some other time.

All right.

Listen, I never asked your father to leave your mom.

O.k.

I just wanted you to know that.

O.k. Bye.

Why didn't you want to talk to her?

I don't know. I...

She just seemed so nice,

And I'm not ready to like her yet.

Yeah.

Hey, are you o.k.?

Yeah, I'm all right.

Can I drive?

No.

Your mom called 50 times today.

I wasn't sure you wanted her to know,

So I said you were at the 7-eleven all day.

Good thinking, Dan.

I don't know what to tell her, either.

Dad's got somebody nice, and she's got nobody.

I give her six months alone before she moves in here.

Where will I live, dear?

You've got sauce on your chin.

I know. I'm saving it for later.

[Knock on door]

Come in.

Hey.

Hey, Mark.

Becky ready yet?

Becky! She'll be down in a minute.

Cool. Hey, mrs. Conner.

Uhhh.

He comes in the back door like family?

You guys buddies now?

He's sitting on the couch.

I hate when he does that.

I'm gone one day and everything goes to hell.

You'd have been proud of that kid today.

Why? What did he do, volunteer for sterilization?

No, he beat up Becky's boss.

No.

The kid called her something nasty,

And Mark let him have it.

That is so cool.

Yeah.

How come you didn't beat up the creep?

I would have, but I got there late.

Aw, Dan.

Hey, you think I'm not sick about it?

I had stuff to do at the shop.

What's he got to do, smoke a cigarette?

Of course he got there first.

Oh, I'm sorry, Dan.

I know you would have did it if you could have.

This is the first thing he's ever done

to show he cares about her.

I also had to make D.J. Breakfast.

Maybe you ought to throw him some more work,

because maybe this guy is the guy.

You beat him up?

That's why he apologized?

You can't walk in there like some dumb animal

and beat up my boss.

Wait. The guy called you--

I know what he called me.

I can take care of myself.

Now his apology means nothing.

I just thought--

You didn't think. You never think.

O.k., o.k., we'll be late for this party.

Don't you get it?

I'm not going with you to some stupid party.

Now, get out!

Fine.

See you, Mark.

Yeah.

I miss him already.