Original subtitles

Becky, this ain't art class.

Put a glob on, then check your turkey.

I already stuffed it, seasoned it, and basted it.

What should I do next, massage it?

Whatever floats your boat.

You still mashing those yams?

I'm trying to get the fly.

Oh, man, it's a big one, too, isn't it?

Yeah.

We'll just add some raisins.

Mom!

All right. Throw it away and start a new batch.

Becky, look! It came out of its hole

to forage for food.

Sometimes they'll eat out of your hand.

Get the camera.

That was so funny, I'm going back to bed.

Guess what, Darlene? You're making the fruit salad.

Guess what, Becky? You're a big mo.

Guess what, Darlene?

You're making the fruit salad,

or I'll break your neck.

Dan, could you go to the garage

and get the card table and dust it off?

I could, but I'd miss the bears-lions pre-game show,

and that would be wrong.

You're not parking your butt on that sofa

while we're in here slaving away.

What, exactly, is it that you're doing?

I'm pacing myself.

Hey. Grocery patrol reporting as ordered.

Oh, good. Roseanne's famous homemade pumpkin pies.

Don't forget your famous homemade dessert topping.

I'm out of here.

Where are you going?

Home to change. I'll be back in an hour.

You're hiding from mom,

Then at 6:00 you'll say you had cramps.

I'm not doing that this year, Roseanne.

I'm a different person. I can handle my mother.

Although the terrible bloating

may force me to leave early.

I'm done with the stupid fruit salad.

Aren't you supposed to peel the fruit?

I'm not eating this crap.

Why should I make it?

You're not having dinner?

I opt not to celebrate the exploitation of indians

by religious fanatics.

Good point. No sale.

I want to hang out in my room alone.

Why can't you people understand that?

God, Dan, your daughter is really starting to get on my nerves.

Come here, little Ed.

You're getting so big,

We'll start calling you big little Ed.

He puts on a pound every day.

That's Dan's average.

All muscle, babe.

[Belches]

Let me hold him.

Oh, look at those big, blue eyes!

Oh, you're so cute. I want one.

O.k., Becky, that's enough for you.

Would you get the diapers from the car?

I'll do it later.

Hey, Lonnie. You like football?

Hate it.

Oh. Football's great for hatred.

You can hate the refs,

Hate the opposing quarterback,

And you've got to hate those guys

whose faces are painted blue.

Hello, hello, everybody!

Hi.

Hello, Roseanne.

Oh, my aching butt.

Stop it, mother. That's a brand-new car.

Happy thanksgiving.

So how was the drive?

I'd forgotten it was so long.

Where's dad?

He couldn't make it. He's under the weather.

He's sick, what's the matter with him?

I brought my special stuffing.

I already made stuffing.

All right. You'll eat your stuffing.

Everybody else will eat mine.

Who needs a drink?

I'd love half a glass of wine.

Oh, yeah. Half a glass of wine.

Bring out the bottle.

Yeah? What do you need, Mary?

I need three fingers of bourbon,

And a beer chaser.

One big boiler coming up.

Grandma. Hi!

Hello, little hardbody.

How do you keep that body so damn trim?

It's her nerves. Nervous people are too thin.

Here we go.

It's true I read it in a magazine.

Before you even ask, I'm doing great.

I don't have a boyfriend now,

but it's because I'm feeling independent

and secure,

and I feel better about myself

than I have in years. That's the truth.

Well, that certainly was a mouthful, wasn't it?

Becky!

Well, nice going, silver tongue.

Where's dad?

She says he's sick.

I talked to him a few days ago. He was fine.

You cut your hair!

Do you like it?

What's important is that you like it, dear.

Roseanne, I notice your table is not set.

You do plan on setting it, don't you?

No. I'll throw the food on the floor

and have everybody fight for it.

Well, I'll set the table.

Where's the good china?

Over at your house till the reading of the will.

[Knock on door]

Enter and die.

I need a little breather.

Grandma, huh?

Yeah. I mean, she's o.k.,

But sometimes I just...

Hate her guts?

Yeah.

I mean, no. Nobody hates their mom.

At least, you're not supposed to.

Well, mi casa es su casa.

Catcher in the rye? oh, god, that's a good one.

Yeah. Did you read it?

No. But we were assigned to read it in high school.

That was my sophomore year.

Yeah, 'cause I had this crush on Terry Halligan.

He was this great-looking college guy.

So I shortened all my skirts

And didn't crack open a book.

Then report cards came out, mom grounded me,

And that was the end of Terry Halligan.

She was always doing that stuff! This other time--

Jackie, would you like to read a book?

Yeah, sure.

There's some Kurt Vonnegut on the top shelf.

Oh! Cat in the hat. perfect.

Well, yes, honey, we miss you so much.

Stop that, Ed. People are listening.

Well, they can hear me, and I said "stop that."

They all know what that means.

Oh, Ed, you're terrible!

Ha ha ha ha!

Give--you--you--

Whoa, me wear something strapless?

O.k., dad, but first I have to shave my back.

Yeah, and you're an old pervert!

We understand. You got stuck on the road.

Of course you couldn't see it coming.

Buffalo. Winter. Snow.

What are the odds?

O.k., buddy. I'll talk to you when you get back.

I'd better get going. Jackie needs the phone.

You're really sucking up that chardonnay, beverly.

It's my first glass, mother.

Quit treating me like a child!

First glass, my aching butt!

How much has grandma had?

Six fingers, and a very generous thumb.

Your dad says to save him a big turkey leg.

His name's Ed, and he's my stepdad.

And he says he misses you.

I'm not sitting at the kids' table.

You can talk to Becky.

No way, you guys. I'm 17.

I'm not watching D.J. Make another mashed potato town.

Well, looks like D.J. is the kiddies table.

Kind of pathetic, isn't it?

All right, everybody eats in the kitchen.

Grab a chair.

I just called dad again. Still no answer.

I said he was sick.

Maybe you shouldn't have left him alone.

He's not that sick. He's fine.

Why didn't he answer the phone?

Maybe he didn't hear it.

He's nearly deaf in one ear.

How many ears does it take to hear the phone?

Usually he sleeps on his good one.

Are you buying this?

Uh-uh. Not me.

O.k., girls, there is something you should know,

but I don't think now is the time.

Now is the perfect time.

We want to know now.

You have a fight?

We'll talk about it after dinner.

Uh-uh, no way,

Because there won't be a dinner unless you tell us.

Fine.

This year, your father is spending thanksgiving

with his girlfriend.

Now, let's eat.

My, that turkey smells delicious.

Now, Crystal, that car seat is from Rodbell's.

If you want to take it back,

the receipt's in the box.

No, I love it.

Al and I felt the baby would enjoy it.

There's a little steering wheel

and a little horn.

There's nothing he can swallow,

and he can chew on all of it.

She hasn't stopped yakking since we sat down.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

The woman's a mental case.

Dad?

Dad?

What do you need, Deej?

I can't hear anything anybody's saying.

No wonder the kid can't hear.

He's practically sitting in the john.

We'll try to talk louder, D.J.

What?

She said to shut up and eat.

Becky, I thought Mark was coming.

He was supposed to,

but he decided to have TV dinners with his buddies.

That reminds me of the cutest TV show--

No, it doesn't.

So, where's Darlene?

The daughter of doom?

She's upstairs hiding from the sunlight.

You know, now I think I got it.

Wait a minute-- you married Dan's father,

And Dan is married to my granddaughter.

So that makes your baby...

Nothing to me.

Honey, would you stop that?

Lonnie, I said please.

Stop it!

Stop what?

D.J.!

Well, I hope you all noticed--

the only thing that kid ate was my stuffing.

I think I lost my appetite.

I'll go talk to her.

Nobody touch that plate. I ain't done.

Can I be excused?

Yeah, yeah, just get out of here.

If it wasn't for all that jabbering,

it was a very fine meal.

I'm glad you think so,

because this is the last thanksgiving

I'm ever having.

Do you realize there are four generations

of our family in this kitchen right now?

I'm so proud I could just burst.

I'd pay to see that.

I'll have my coffee in the living room.

No, you will not,

because you're going to spill your guts.

Roseanne...

Sit.

What's going on?

It's very simple.

Your father has met a younger woman.

She's 57 and works in his office.

Then you'll just have to throw his sorry butt out.

No, I will not.

You mean you're going to just stay with the jerk?

We've only heard one side of this story.

He's 60 years old. He's screwing around.

That's disgusting. That's his side.

I knew she'd take up for her father.

That is so typical.

I guess none of us here have never made a mistake. Please.

Should I hear this?

No. Get out.

I'm sorry.

Wait. How long has the affair been going on?

I've known about it for a couple of years,

and this morning he finally decided to tell me.

He's been seeing some office tramp for two years

And you never said anything?

Come on, beverly, grow up.

You can't let a man walk all over you like that.

I didn't want to rock the boat.

What boat? You don't have a boat.

You have a lousy marriage.

Watch your mouth, young lady.

This is serious stuff.

People get divorced over stuff like this.

I'm too old to start my life over again.

Let me handle it my way.

I'm telling him what I think. Where is he?

This isn't about your father,

this is about my husband.

I want you to stay out of it. Please!

You're her mother. Do something.

When she asks for my help,

I'll arrange to have your father killed.

But until then, you got to understand--

She's scared. She doesn't know how to live alone.

Maybe that's the way I raised her.

Maybe I should blame myself.

Who the hell needs that?

Does anybody want any pie?

You don't want to sneak beers?

No.

Let's at least go get some hot dogs. I'm starved.

I'm trying to read.

My mom says you're having a nervous breakdown.

Yeah, I could snap any minute.

Is that how come the black clothes?

Uh-huh. They gave them to me at the asylum.

Stop it. I'm not a kid.

You're a fetus.

You turned into a complete dork.

People change. Get used to it or die.

[Knock on door]

Hey!

Ho ho ho ho!

Aah-ha.

I used to be a pretty good nerf ball player.

I was going to turn pro--

Did mom tell you to talk to me?

No, I'm just making sure Darlene was having any fun.

Anyway, you're out of here.

The baby's ready to go.

Right. He's the boss.

When my dad's gone, you're the man of the house.

I was before your dad moved in.

O.k, forget man of the house.

I don't know where was going with that.

The thing is, your attitude--

the way you tick everybody off--

it's not going to get you anywhere.

Great. I got another new father.

Actually, you got a new big brother.

If you act like this next thanksgiving,

I'll knock you down and sit on your head.

Kids.

Right.

Listen, I got an idea.

Let's ditch the fossils and catch a late movie.

You still don't get it, do you?

No, Darlene, I don't.

You've been moping around for two months

And I don't have a clue.

I'm not trying to be mean.

Just stop worrying about me.

I can't help it.

I know we're not best buddies anymore.

We don't even talk anymore.

Well, I talk. Nobody listens.

I just want to finish my book.

I just came up here to get Lonnie anyway.

Did I interrupt something?

She wants to be left alone.

Who doesn't?

Well, what's new at the zoo?

Not much.

Thanks, but I'm really not hungry.

This isn't for you. This is mine.

I'm not bothering you, am I?

No, you're cool.

I can't wait to get a place of my own.

Try New York. They got great Chinese food there.

Anything to get out of Lanford. It's so phony here.

All the kids at school have totally changed.

I'm a freak because I don't kiss up to juniors and seniors.

I know exactly how you feel.

Where I come from,

If you don't play bridge 12 hours a day

They think you're a communist.

Why can't people just let you be yourself?

Have you ever felt like you don't want to talk to anybody?

Like you just need to figure things out?

I get this perfect image of what I want to be,

But at school I'm just this total geek again.

You're young. You got to give it time.

Tell that to my parents.

They want to know what the problem is,

But how can I tell them if I don't know?

Darlene, be patient with them.

Yeah, I guess.

Have a little turkey.

No, thanks. I've decided to quit eating meat.

Well, the stuffing you're scarfing down is full of meat.

Oh.

I meant big chunks of meat.

Well, thanks again, Roseanne, I had a wonderful time.

What's it take to make you miserable?

Well, anyway, the food was good.

Bye, Dan.

Drop by the shop. I'll give you work.

That's cool.

Thanks a lot, Dan.

Hey, Crystal, tell my dad he better not leave me alone

for the new year's games I'm going to kick his butt.

I don't want any arguments.

I'm sleeping on the pull-out tonight.

I don't care how lumpy it is.

I thought we had nana Mary this year.

No way. I've got nana Mary.

Come on, Jackie. These party poopers are turning in.

Let's hit a bar.

Hold on a second.

Mom, I guess I'll see you when I see you.

Good luck with your trucking career.

Good night, grandma.

We'll see you, nana.

Hey, cave man, don't get fresh with me.

I'm just frisking you for silverware,

You crazy bat.

[Telephone rings]

I got it.

Come back real soon, nana.

Why?

Oh, Dan, my overnight bag is in the car.

Would you mind getting it?

Heck, yes. Of course I would.

O.k., grandpa.

Mom, it's grandpa Harris.

Your father wants to talk to you.

Hi, dad.

Yeah, yeah. Happy thanksgiving to you, too.

Listen, I talked to mom, and she, uh...

told me you weren't feeling very good.

We're going to send some leftovers home with her for you.

That's a good girl.

I can't wait to get together with you, either, dad.

We'll sit down and have ourselves a great little chat.

Yeah, well, you know, I'm...

Hey.

Hi.

Sorry there's no fruit salad.

Yeah, well...

Uh...it's weird about grandpa.

Yeah.

I mean, he's, like, 90.

I didn't think that was medically possible.

Well...

Man, you missed a great one this year.

Well, maybe next year.

No way. Uh-uh. Not with these relatives.

I made you a, uh... plate, though.

Oh, I'm not that hungry.

Good, 'cause I ate it an hour ago.

Still not smoking, huh?

Oh, yeah--I ate your pie, too.

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