Original subtitles

Last week on Roseanne...

Las Vegas. We leave sunday, come back tuesday.

Take off and leave the kids?

I want to see Wayne Newton!

7. Winner!

We had a date.

Now?

Yeah, now.

Rosie, I'm hot.

So am I.

We haven't had five minutes alone since we got here.

Well, now we're alone.

I, for one, am having a great time.

You know, Dan,

We should have took separate vacations.

I go to Vegas.

You go to hell.

[Door slams]

Dan's beard hairs are all over the sink,

and his underwear's hanging on the doorknob.

He's griping about a couple of lipsticks

taking up all his bathroom space,

you know, like he owns the place.

"This is my sink.

This is my doorknob."

That's why men all the time miss the john,

'Cause they're marking their territory.

O.k. Well, men are pigs.

That's not news.

Double zero.

Oh, double zero.

That just about sums up my whole vacation.

Roseanne,

You're ruining your whole trip.

Why don't you just go to Dan and say "I'm sorry?"

Let me tell you something, Nancy.

You do not stay married for 18 years

By blurting out stupid little things like "I'm sorry."

I'm on a roll that's unbelievable,

And she wants romance and it can't wait.

So I leave what could be a small fortune,

And the minute we're upstairs

She's yelling about underwear on doorknobs.

She didn't want them on the floor or on me.

Where do I put them?

Another card?

Sure. Hit me.

Why should you be any different?

Sorry.

I knew it.

She yammered the luck right out of me.

Better luck next time.

Uh-uh. No way I'm getting married again.

Great news, Dan.

You got the Wayne Newton tickets!

Good news, Dan.

You didn't?

Rosie's been waiting 12 years to see Wayne.

It's the main reason we came.

It's not my fault. Wayne doesn't work on mondays.

We didn't go yesterday. You said we'd get better tickets tonight.

I can get us front row tickets tonight,

But it won't be much fun without Wayne.

O.k., so we don't see Wayne.

Somehow she'll make this my fault,

But I already left nose hairs in her sink.

You can't hang a man twice.

I said I had good news.

Four tickets to the Las Vegas legends in concert.

The finest showbiz impersonators in the world.

That's not so bad.

If we saw Wayne it would be over in a couple of hours.

This I'll hear about the rest of my life.

One thing.

What?

These tickets are free only for looking

at time-share vacation condos.

Let's go!

Hit me--no, no. Kill me!

See...

marriage is like gambling, you know.

The odds are all in favor of the house.

So, when your marriage breaks up

make sure you keep the house.

Ha. Roseanne, I think you'd better eat something.

And, you know,

marriage is like this here slot machine.

You don't always get back what you put into it, see.

All right.

"Honey...

I made your favorite dinner."

Nothing.

"Honey...

I let your favorite pants out another inch."

Ha ha ha!

Nothing.

"Honey, I bore you three children,

And I got that soap you like."

Zip.

This proves my point.

Marriage stinks.

With a capital "suck."

Come on, Roseanne. Stop it.

Nancy, the longer I know you, the more I got to ask you--

Why are you marrying that guy?

I don't know.

I mean, he's not everything I deserve.

So I think, uh,

Do you want to marry the guy?

Then he did something the other day that really clinched it.

He told me about that affair he had.

He did?

Uh-huh.

And it's not like I caught him or anything.

He just thought...

If we're going to be married,

There shouldn't be any secrets.

And that's when I knew I could really trust him.

I can't believe he told you.

I was amazed.

Nancy, you are really an incredible person.

You've forgiven him and, man,

I haven't even forgiven Jackie yet.

What has Jackie got to do with it?

You know, marriage is like--

It--it was Jackie?

What was Jackie?

He told me some bimbo divorcee threw herself at him

And he'd never see her again.

I'm going to kill him.

Men!

If Dan hadn't made me come to Vegas

none of this would have happened.

So, Danny, how's that complimentary drink treating you?

You can't beat a big glass of tang with an umbrella.

Man, I hope the girls don't get lost.

Why?

Come on. It's going to be great.

I was in the john, and I saw the guy that does Paul Anka.

If you close your eyes, you'd swear it was him.

Oh, wow!

Legends in concert, huh, Dan?

Thank you so much for making this the perfect vacation.

Right back at you, babe.

You're dead.

She knows about Jackie.

Honey, I'm sorry.

I love you.

It was Jackie Harris.

I know I'm a lying dog, but marry me.

Why didn't you tell me before?

Why drag Jackie into this?

She's a nice person.

I didn't want you hating her because I made a mistake.

Jackie slept with Arnie?

Yuck!

You're a pig.

Yeah.

You're scum.

Yeah.

You're slime.

Yeah.

You're vermin!

Kiss me!

See! Why can't you ever be romantic like that with me?

* Well, since my baby left me *

* I've found a new place to dwell *

* It's down at the end of lonely street *

* It's heartbreak hotel *

* Where you will *

* You'll be so lonely, baby *

* You'll be so lonely *

* You'll be so lonely *

* You could die **

The girls are in the bathroom missing this.

Lucky them.

[Imitating Elvis] thank you.

Thank you very much.

God bless and good night.

God bless and good night.

Dan, he was great.

I liked him better as Liza.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Please put your hands together

For Mr. Excitement,

The midnight idol,

Wayne Newton!

O.k., looks moderately waynish.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I'd like to thank you for coming to see me this evening,

But as you know, I don't just say thank you.

I say...

2, 3, 6, 9...

* Danke schoen *

* Darling, Danke schoen *

* Thank you for *

* All the joy and pain *

Picture shows.

Second balcony.

* Was a place we'd-- **

Wait a minute! Hold it!

Hang on a second, fellas.

I can't take this anymore.

I'm sorry.

Does someone have a problem out there?

It's with your act.

[Dan] Now it's getting good.

And I suppose you can do better?

I couldn't do any worse.

Ha ha ha ha!

Well, this ought to be good.

Could we get a spotlight on this gentleman, please?

Ladies and gentlemen, what a surprise!

I don't believe it! It's him!

This is incredible!

The seats good enough for you now, Dan?

The midnight idol of Las Vegas...

The real Wayne Newton!

They're hugging.

Just like the good Kirk battling the evil Kirk!

Oh, my gosh.

Wayne, it is so good to see you again.

I had to check out my competition.

Is he good or what?

I got to go get Rosie.

Listen, Wayne, uh,

As long as you're up here, how about a song?

He's going to sing.

Arnie, go get Rosie.

I'm not going to miss the Wayne off.

They love you, chief.

You've got to do it.

Thank you.

2, 3, 6, 9...

* Danke schoen *

* Darlin', Danke schoen *

I really should go get Rosie,

But I...

I...

I can't.

* Picture shows *

* Second balcony *

* Was a place we'd meet *

Do I really sound like that?

* You were sweet, that was it *

Honey, honey, honey.

We're just in the nick.

* I got to thank you for *

I don't believe it.

Wayne Newton would freak if he saw that loser.

Wait. Give the guy a chance.

He's flashing the teeth.

Oh. He's doing the point.

He's doing the wink.

Work it, baby!

Work it!

* Darlin', Danke schoen *

* I got to thank you for *

No. This guy doesn't even have a mustache.

Wayne Newton has a mustache.

How did he get out of Wayne Newton impersonator school

Without a mustache?

* Still the memories stay *

Uh, hold it, fellas.

Fellas, hold it. Hold it.

Hold it. Fellas, hold it.

Um, excuse me, ma'am.

I'm sorry if my singing

Is interrupting your conversation.

Not as sorry as I am.

Ma'am, I'm going to ask you politely

To take your seat.

I'm entertaining.

Oh, somebody has filled your head with lies.

Honey.

Honey, it really is Wayne Newton.

Oh, yeah. Right. And I'm Lola Falana, Dan.

Well, it's nice to meet you, miss Falana.

My name is Wayne Newton.

No. My name is Wayne Newton.

No. My name is Wayne Newton.

Dan, Dan. Wayne's looking at us.

Ask him for his autograph.

Oh, god. Oh, god.

Ladies, I'm glad you're having such a good time

'Cause that's what we're all here for,

So just sit back and enjoy the song.

Why, are you going to get somebody else to sing it?

Rosie.

Rosie, that really is Wayne Newton.

Oh, yeah. Right.

It is. Now, shut up.

Ma'am, you ought to listen to your husband.

Ooh.

Now he's telling me what to do.

He sounds like every other man on earth.

Excuse me, every other man on earth,

Except Wayne Newton.

Pardon me, ma'am.

I'll have to ask you to leave the building.

Hold it. Don't you touch her.

This woman doesn't ask for much out of life,

But she always wanted to see Wayne Newton.

Tomorrow morning, she'll wake up

And realize what happened,

And she'll want to kill herself.

And damn it, I'm not taking that away from her.

There's no way we're getting out of here.

Dan, I'm going to be sick.

I'll see you, Wayne.

Oh, one more thing.

Yes, mr. Falana.

I'm really sorry about all this.

I'm a huge fan.

Uh-oh. Dan.

I just threw up on Paul Anka.

Now, there goes one lucky guy.

O.k. Here's your lunch.

Now get to school.

I got to get my science project.

I made a great sundial.

It was so easy, just like you said.

[Telephone rings]

Telephone.

Thanks. I wouldn't want to tear you away

From your nutritious breakfast.

Ah, bite me.

Hello.

Mom? Yeah. I'm fine.

Yes, mother.

I'll pick you up at the airport tonight.

No, mom. I'm not going to forget.

O.k. Here's my sundial.

I Found this part, but I made the stick.

Oh, man.

Uh, Becky.

D.J. Made a sundial out of birth control pills.

What?

Even tells the days of the week.

I got to go, mom. Love you.

Mom went to Vegas without these?

She really is a gambler.

They're not mom's.

D.J., Jackie's probably looking all over for these.

You are not to take these

To school, understand?

Find something else to make your sundial out of.

O.k. I'll put these back in your drawer.

They're yours?

You slut.

Shut up, Darlene.

Oh, my god.

You're doing it with Mark.

Shut up, Darlene.

When your naked bodies were pressed together,

Were you making actual words

Or just grunting like animals?

Shut up, Darlene.

Mom's going to love this.

Mom already knows.

Who do you think bought me the pills?

Slammer.

Can you believe this?

I specifically told Arnie

To be here at 9:30.

See, Dan. There was no hurry.

I could have thrown up a few more times.

That's it. If he's not here in five minutes,

I'm marrying the 10:15.

All right, honey. Let's roll.

Where have you been?

Getting my tux.

It came with this.

Some guys got to be blindfolded to get married.

You're not wearing that costume to my wedding.

I like it. I'm wearing it.

Good. I hope you bought it

'Cause you'll be buried in it.

What about you?

It would be great

If we were getting married in a go-go cage.

You love the way I look.

You look like a cheap hooker.

Leave your old girlfriends out of this.

Can you tell them we're ready?

Let's go, Arn. Break.

Run for it, Nance.

[The wedding march plays]

Friends, we are gathered here

To join together these two wonderful people,

Uh, Nancy Lynne Bartlett and Arnold Shemp Thomas...

In holy matrimony.

Marriage is a sacred commitment

That should not be taken lightly.

Do you, Arnie, take this woman to be your wife...

Look at those two.

They look so happy.

I give it a month.

For better or worse, for richer, for poorer...

Pretty tricky how they slip that stuff in,

but who's thinking about that anyway?

When you first start out,

you love a guy, you marry him.

You have no idea what you're in for.

Do you, Nancy, take Arnie to...

But I guess I did o.k.

after 18 years of marriage,

it is nice to have a man

who'll hold your head while you barf.

I really do love him,

the big goon.

I know he loves me.

He can't say it with his shorts on,

But he loves me.

Look at the way he looks at me.

Boy, I shouldn't have had that sausage for breakfast.

I wonder if she's got any antacid in her purse.

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

Slut.

Pig.

Congratulations, Arnie.

Life as you know it will never be the same.

Thanks for being here, Dan.

Give him hell, Nancy.

Thanks, Rosie.

Hold it. Hold it.

O.k. Now it's your turn.

What do you talking about?

A little surprise.

We thought you might want to renew your vows.

You guys are the 10:15.

I already paid the man.

I didn't get to go to your first wedding

'Cause you didn't invite me.

Well, what do you think, Dan?

It couldn't hurt.

Oh, that's just what you said

when you proposed.

I still mean it, honey.

So you want to?

Why not?

Friends, we are gathered here today

to join together these two wonderful people,

Uh...

The Conners.

The Conners in holy matrimony.

Do you, uh, Mrs. Conner...

Take this man to love and to honor--

We already did these vows,

so this time let's do something that means something,

Like, uh, o.k.

Um, do you, Dan, promise

to keep your beard out of the sink

and, uh, hose yourself off

after you come home from work every now and then

if I, like, promise

to give you a clean towel in the morning?

O.k. I do.

Do you, Roseanne, promise to quit buying me goofy shirts

that I don't like

if I promise to throw the shirts I do like

into the hamper?

Cool.

And if you'll discipline your kids

so that I'm not always the bad guy,

then I'll stop making fun of your stupid friends.

Sorry, Arnie.

Done.

How about if you quit saying

you can watch football anytime during the super bowl

and I'll toss you a compliment on how you look

once in a while

no matter what you look like?

You think you can do that?

Yeah. You mean it about the towels?

Yeah.

Did you get that?

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

Your breath smells like sausage.

* Some things you can't be sure about in life *

* The future ain't spelled out in black and white *

* It keeps you guessing *

* It keeps you asking questions every day *

* Yeah, that's our way *

* But, baby, when you ask me if I need you *

* I don't think so *

* I know so *

* The way you hold me *

* The love you show me *

* The way you make me feel *

* I feel like Dancin' *

* Dancin' all night long *

* Within your arms *

* Well, I'll prove to you *

* With a heart that's true *

* You'll never have to wonder if I do *

* I do know *

* Don't you ever doubt... **

I was wrong about you.

You do a really great Wayne.