Original subtitles

Oh, god, maybe I should take the test next week.

Relax, Jackie, you only missed one.

You've got this trucking license nailed.

O.k., next question.

What is the importance of proper weight distribution?

To avoid being top-heavy.

You don't have to worry about that, aunt Jackie.

God, I hate Kathy Bowman.

And today's reason is?

She spends about a billion dollars on all this furniture

That looks like it belongs in Italy,

And now she's giving it away to charity.

This couch don't even have any butt-dents in it.

How can you take a nice, charitable thing

And turn it into a mean, vindictive thing?

Hey,

That's what makes me, me.

She's just giving away that coffee table to show off.

Oh. Becky, quiz me.

O.k.

Uh, gross vehicle weight.

Um, total weight of single vehicle plus its load.

Oh, o.k. That's it.

That's way too good for the needy.

I'll be back.

You ready?

Yeah.

What is the proper procedure to follow

If your vehicle is leaking toxic fluids

In a residential neighborhood?

Okay, it's got something to do with those orange cones, right?

No? O.k.

They'll never ask that on the test anyway.

Did anybody bring the paper in? No, of course not.

Becky, I'm really sorry.

About what?

I didn't mean it.

What did you do, you little freak?

I was in your room. It was an accident.

Oh, I'm going to kill you, D.J.

D.J., what did you do?

Nothing.

Really?

Yeah. Just driving her crazy.

Excellent work, son.

Thanks, dad.

I'm so damn proud I could burst.

Stay.

God, is that tacky.

I know it.

Can you believe Kathy Bowman

Was giving this to the good samaritans?

These go for 200 bucks.

I gave the good samaritan driver 20 bucks for it.

Plus, the money's going to charity.

What do you think, Dan?

It is snowing outside? 'Cause this must be christmas.

Ha ha ha! I knew you'd love it.

It's art.

It ain't just art.

It's got a big hole in the back

Where you can stick stuff in.

You done good, honey.

This is a great piece of crap.

I'll tell you what, this piece of crap

Totally out-craps all our other crap.

So we follow these good samaritan trucks around

And buy stuff really cheap.

Then we go to a swap meet

And sell it for an embarrassing amount of money.

What about the good samaritans?

Isn't that going to cut into their business?

Forget about them. We're squeezing them out.

Roseanne, what are you doing?

Well, I'm changing the cherry

On the fruit cups, Leon.

It is wednesday, isn't it?

All day.

I thought so.

How old are these?

I don't know.

They've been here since I got hired.

Hello, ladies.

Hey, Steven.

Hi.

Are you ready, Leon?

Yes. We've got lots of packing to do.

That's wonderful.

Are you going on a trip?

Steven is.

Because Steven must magically disappear

Whenever Leon's mother comes to town.

I thought we settled this.

You're not the one being kicked out of your home, are you Leon.

Why kick him out?

Don't your mom know you're gay?

Roseanne.

My mother knows. That doesn't mean

She's going to be comfortable

staying in the same house with me and my lover.

Why not?

Roseanne.

Shut up.

How do they know how she's going to react

unless they give her a chance?

Thanks, Roseanne. I've been saying that for three years.

Yes, thank you, Roseanne,

If you don't mind, butt out.

No, no.

I'd like to hear her opinion. Please, Roseanne.

Don't look at me.

I want to hear what you have to say, too.

Well...

Of course I totally agree

With my boss' position here and everything,

But I understand where Steven's coming from, too,

'Cause he just wants to be acknowledged.

I mean, he's like your wife--or your husband.

I don't really know how you guys work this out.

For instance, I don't know who does the cleaning

And who watches monday night football,

But--

Well...

That clearly was a waste of time.

Don't you think I should have the opportunity

To get to know his mother?

Why are you asking her?

Because she understands. Everybody does but you.

No, she is not everybody. She is nobody.

Steven, my mother is a 70-year-old woman.

She was uncomfortable with Mary Martin as Peter Pan.

This is going to be very, very awkward for her.

Awkward for you, Leon.

Can we talk about this at home?

Are you embarrassed about who you are?

No.

Is it about me?

No.

Then stop hiding me.

Let me stay in my home when your mother visits.

This is important to me, Leon. Leon...

Please.

All right, no packing. You can stay.

Thanks.

Attaboy, Leon.

Roseanne, did it ever occur to you even one moment to stay out of this?

Yeah, but by then it was way too late.

Oh, you guys. My own fuzzy dice.

Smell them. They smell.

Two bucks more, but when your sister

gets her trucker's license, you pull out all the stops.

You aced the driving part?

Yeah. You'd be surprised how courteous people are

When they see an 18-wheeler

With "student driver" written on it.

So what comes next?

I start out short-hauling

And then ease into the five-night interstate hauls.

Five nights? Do you stay at motels?

The cab's got a sleeping compartment.

But it doesn't have a shower, does it?

That's why she needs the dice scented.

Mrs. Bowman's coming, and she looks mad.

That's my fault. My rig's blocking her driveway.

I better get it back to the lot.

Anybody want a ride?

Yeah, sure.

Darlene?

I don't think so.

Darlene, it'll be fun.

You can roll down the window

And spit into convertibles.

All right.

[Doorbell rings]

That's Kathy.

I don't want her thinking

You was picking through her trash, so here's the deal.

We paid full price for that dog at Rodbell's--

400 Bucks.

I thought they went for 200.

Well, we overpaid

Because we're making a fortune at the shop.

Got it, lovey. But do be quick.

We dine with the Snotheads at 8:00.

Hi, Jackie just went out to move her--

Roseanne...

My house was robbed.

We were away for the weekend,

And two guys dressed like good samaritans

Just backed a van up to the house

And cleaned us out...

In broad daylight.

Oh, th-that is unbelievable.

You--you better sit down.

Mr. Henderson said he saw the entire thing

And didn't do a thing.

What kind of a neighbor is that?

That's a bad, bad neighbor.

I feel so...

So violated.

Oh, sure you do.

They took things I've been collecting for years.

Oh, man.

They took that stuff? That's bad.

Hey, if you're going to be mad at anybody,

Be mad at them.

The police are going to take statements.

I don't suppose you saw anything.

No, no.

No. Well, yeah.

What?

Well, they seemed really nice.

They called me "ma'am" and everything.

Wait,

You spoke to the criminals?

Well, haggled is more like it.

Oh, my god.

That's my umbrella stand.

Umbrellas. Of course.

You--you bought this from the robbers?

How could you do that?

Didn't you see the big-screen TV in the truck?

Do you really think we would have given away

A brand new 45-inch television to charity?

Well, it would have been a nice gesture.

I don't believe you, Roseanne.

Just calm down here.

Hey, I'm really sorry.

I didn't know your house was getting robbed.

I thought I was doing a good thing.

I thought I was doing something for charity.

A good thing? It was a stupid thing, Roseanne.

It was the stupidest thing anybody's ever done.

You're the stupidest woman

On the face of the earth.

Oh, yeah?

I Paid 20 bucks for that piece of crap,

And you paid 200! That's stupid!

I was starting to worry about you guys you been gone a long time.

You should have worried. Jackie almost killed us.

She was just showing how well the rig cornered.

She missed the bus stop by almost a foot.

Everybody there dove under the bench.

They were old. They panicked.

It was so cool.

[Doorbell rings]

I'm glad you had fun, Darlene.

Well, what about me?

It doesn't sound like you had any fun, Becky.

Hey, Jer.

Hey, Dan. Roseanne here?

She's at her friend Crystal's.

Uh, could we talk?

Sure. Want a beer?

Definitely.

I'm sorry about what happened to you guys.

The insurance should cover everything.

Well, that's good, yeah.

Thanks.

Uh, Dan, uh,

Kathy wants to put up an electric fence.

An electric fence won't do you no good, Jerry.

They're not going to rob you again.

Well, it's not for burglars. It's for Roseanne.

Electricity won't stop her. I've tried.

She's not much of a swimmer, though.

You might want to build a moat.

I've got to do something. She wants to move back to Chicago.

Yeah. Really?

Wow. Anything I can do?

Could you get Roseanne to apologize?

Hmm. When you move, can I have your satellite dish?

What are we going to do, Dan?

Our wives just-- they just--

Hate each other.

I think it's good for them, Jer.

Roseanne gets so worked up over Kathy

She gets all flushed, her heart races, works up a sweat.

It's kind of an aerobic thing.

Look at the weight she's lost

Since you guys moved in.

I can't leave without something, Dan.

I mean, she's--she's making my life miserable.

Oh, here. Take the pooch, jer.

Roseanne was going to return it anyway,

But this way you get it in one piece.

Great. Thanks, thanks.

But Kathy said we should start a neighborhood watch.

But that's what happened, Jer.

You got robbed, and the neighborhood watched.

Morning.

Hey, Leon.

What? So?

So fill me in. How's your mom handling everything?

Fine. The plane was late,

but everything else was fine. Thank you.

[Kicks door]

Whoa, we better stay out of his way.

That won't be no fun.

Remember what happened yesterday.

We need to mind our own business.

If I wanted to do that,

I wouldn't have came in early.

What?

Well, maybe you want to talk about it.

Only got a minute. Go.

Roseanne--

Well, there you are.

I thought you were going back to work.

I'm talking to Roseanne. Believe me, that's work.

You ran away, left me alone with...

Mother.

Don't you call her that.

I'll never be good enough for that woman.

All she does is pick, pick, pick.

Hey, you wanted a mother-in-law.

Where is she now?

In housewares.

You left her there?

You know what she's doing? Buying us a waffle iron.

Oh, my. Let's have her arrested.

We don't eat waffles.

You don't make them.

You do nothing in the kitchen.

I work all day.

And I don't?

Yeah, your little bookstore.

I happen to own that bookstore.

Wisely located right next to the library.

Don't bring that up.

I'm allowed.

If I hadn't sunk my life savings into it,

I wouldn't be working in this dump!

Hello.

I hate you, Leon.

I hate you more.

Well, I'll just be up in housewares.

I would tell mom if I was gay.

You couldn't tell her

You were going to be a cop.

How could you tell her you were gay?

Easy. It would kill her.

Oh, yeah. Of course.

What if D.J. Was gay,

Would you want him to tell you?

Yeah. I don't want him keeping secrets from me.

You wouldn't mind?

No. They only thing I've wanted for my kids

Is that they're happy and out of the house.

And I'll tell you what,

Happy ain't even that important.

How about you, Dan?

How would you feel if D.J. was gay?

It's not going to happen.

Well, I'm--

Hey!

It's not going to happen.

Woo, you winged him.

[D.J.] I got it!

What's Dan's problem?

Oh, D.J.'s his only son.

He's got that thing

Where he wants D.J. to carry on the Conner name.

I Said Becky would probably have kids

Before she was married and they'd be Conners,

But that don't count for him.

Mom!

What?

Oh.

Roseanne, this is officer Robbins.

He's here to take your statement.

Just tell him the truth. He'll go easy on you.

Hi, Gil. How you doing?

Hey, Rosie.

How are you doing?

You know each other?

Yeah, we went to high school together.

I don't believe this town.

This is a real pill you got living next door.

Yeah, tell me about it, man.

Mrs. Bowman says you saw one of the robbers.

Uh-huh.

Could you give us a description?

Uh, do you remember what Jimmy Mullins

looked like in high school?

He looked like that.

You don't think it was Jimmy?

Oh, no. This guy's nose was more scoopier.

You know, kind of like Bob Hope's nose.

But definitely not Jimmy?

No, not Jimmy.

Good. Good.

Good?

Well, what do we have here?

So far we've eliminated Jimmy Mullins and Bob Hope.

Well, I didn't see the driver.

That could have been Bob Hope.

Hey, you want a beer, Gil?

Sure.

Aren't you on duty?

Never mind, Rosie.

Now can we please get on with this?

You got a description of the vehicle?

It was a blue truck.

Jackie!

Gil! How've you been?

Great. We've missed you down at the station.

I miss you guys, too. What's been going on?

Real quiet.

Let me--

Excuse me.

Focus on the fact my house has been robbed.

God, you're so rude.

What do I have to do

To get some justice around here?

We put an APB out on the truck,

And we'll be checking pawn shops

To see if your stuff turns up there.

That's it?

There's not much else we can do.

I'd suggest a security system

And telling your neighbors when you leave town.

Hey, Gil.

Danny! Oh!

Want a beer?

Uh--may I?

Oh, god.

I got my trucking license.

You can tell me on the CB

where the radar traps are.

Cool.

I'm in hell.

Naw, you're just in Lanford.

Same zip code, though.

You want a beer?

No, I don't.

What I want is not to live here anymore.

You know, Kathy, I just want you to know

I sure am sorry

About what happened and everything.

You know, Lanford's not a bad town.

You just got to go with it more,

You know, fit in.

And what does that mean, Roseanne?

Am I supposed to wander around town

In a tacky housecoat and flip-flops,

With my hair in curlers?

Now you're getting it!

Yeah, absolutely, and then I'll throw us

one of these here tupperware parties.

then I could introduce you to the others.

What are you talking about?

Oh, we all used to be like you, Kathy--

Angry, bitter, annoying.

But now we're the Lanford wives.

Goodbye, Roseanne.

It's useless to try to resist us, Kathy.

We already have Jerry.

Jerry's one of us.

Jerry joined the lodge.

You're a sick woman, Roseanne.

Oh, you'll start to love it.

I Promise, Kathy.

Just think about it--

Swap meets, bowling leagues,

bingo, double coupon days,

casino night at the slaughterhouse!

It's your destiny.

Maybe we should check the house, Jer.

Checking.

Still there.

Great.

Doing a hell of a job.

So, Jer, uh...

If you don't mind,

I'd like to ask a personal question.

You don't have to answer.

She's just not happy here in Lanford, Dan.

Unfortunately, that's the only side you get to see,

But behind closed doors, she shows a whole other side.

Do you know, there have actually been mornings

I've woken up dehydrated?

Yep, that's what Rosie figured.

Have a beer, Jer.

[Alarm sounds]

What do you think?

Three blocks away, maybe four.

Not our jurisdiction.

[Roseanne] no, that's not him.

That's not him, either.

Uh-uh.

Too tall.

That's him!

The guy who looks like Jimmy Mullins.