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1
00:01:19,100 --> 00:01:21,834
Was the baby up again
all night, Crystal?
2
00:01:21,834 --> 00:01:23,868
Oh, yeah, but
I'm not complaining.
3
00:01:23,868 --> 00:01:26,767
I'm seeing all kinds of things
you'd never see
4
00:01:26,767 --> 00:01:30,267
if you were getting
any sleep at all.
5
00:01:30,267 --> 00:01:32,701
Little Ed and I watch the sun
rise and set.
6
00:01:32,701 --> 00:01:34,200
Rise and set.
7
00:01:34,200 --> 00:01:35,901
And did you know
8
00:01:35,901 --> 00:01:39,901
the big valley comes on
at 5:00 in the morning?
9
00:01:41,100 --> 00:01:42,100
[Sobs]
10
00:01:42,100 --> 00:01:44,868
And again at 6:30?
11
00:01:44,868 --> 00:01:46,000
[Sobs]
12
00:01:46,000 --> 00:01:48,000
Oh, come here, little Ed.
13
00:01:48,000 --> 00:01:51,000
Come see your auntie--
sister-in-law--whatever--
Roseanne
14
00:01:51,000 --> 00:01:53,501
While mommy has
her little breakdown.
15
00:01:55,267 --> 00:01:57,367
What is wrong
with him?
16
00:01:57,367 --> 00:01:59,033
Nothing wrong with him,
Crystal, he's just a baby.
17
00:01:59,033 --> 00:02:01,167
Well, why won't he sleep?
I've tried everything.
18
00:02:01,167 --> 00:02:02,667
Even the washing
machine.
19
00:02:02,667 --> 00:02:06,267
You put him
in the washing machine?
20
00:02:06,267 --> 00:02:09,667
No, Darlene. You put him
in his little baby seat
21
00:02:09,667 --> 00:02:12,167
on the washer,
and the vibrations
22
00:02:12,167 --> 00:02:14,801
are supposed
to soothe him
to sleep.
23
00:02:14,801 --> 00:02:16,868
When you were a baby,
24
00:02:16,868 --> 00:02:19,167
we couldn't afford
a washing machine,
25
00:02:19,167 --> 00:02:21,667
so I took you
down to the river
26
00:02:21,667 --> 00:02:24,100
and beat you
against a rock.
27
00:02:24,100 --> 00:02:25,667
Why pick on me?
28
00:02:25,667 --> 00:02:28,968
Did I take the last
doughnut or something?
29
00:02:28,968 --> 00:02:29,968
Hey.
30
00:02:29,968 --> 00:02:32,167
Hey, Becky. You want
some breakfast?
31
00:02:32,167 --> 00:02:34,801
I was running over
to return Jackie's top.
32
00:02:34,801 --> 00:02:37,767
Great. I'll put that
in with this load.
33
00:02:37,767 --> 00:02:39,200
Oh, you're here.
34
00:02:39,200 --> 00:02:40,801
Yeah, of course.
35
00:02:40,801 --> 00:02:44,467
Good, 'cause I think
I have those earrings
I borrowed, too.
36
00:02:44,467 --> 00:02:45,767
Which earrings?
37
00:02:45,767 --> 00:02:48,567
I think they're yours.
Come up and see.
38
00:02:48,567 --> 00:02:50,200
Oh, ok.
39
00:02:50,200 --> 00:02:51,234
Great.
40
00:02:57,300 --> 00:03:00,634
What's she going to go
griping to aunt Jackie
about?
41
00:03:00,634 --> 00:03:04,033
It could be
a lot of things...
But it's always you.
42
00:03:23,100 --> 00:03:25,601
Do you want a cigarette
with that?
43
00:03:27,601 --> 00:03:29,033
No, I'm good.
44
00:03:29,033 --> 00:03:31,601
Well, too much coffee
gives you the shakes,
45
00:03:31,601 --> 00:03:34,100
And then you
cut yourself shaving.
46
00:03:35,100 --> 00:03:36,434
[Baby cries]
47
00:03:36,434 --> 00:03:39,567
Oh...what now?
48
00:03:39,567 --> 00:03:40,968
I think he's hungry.
49
00:03:40,968 --> 00:03:43,467
Here. Will you hold him
for a second?
50
00:03:43,467 --> 00:03:44,400
Oh, gimme.
51
00:03:44,400 --> 00:03:47,033
Gimme that baby.
52
00:03:47,033 --> 00:03:51,767
Oh, you little it-ums
smell so good, don't you?
53
00:03:51,767 --> 00:03:54,567
Your head smells so sweet.
54
00:03:54,567 --> 00:03:56,000
Oh, head smells sweet.
55
00:03:56,000 --> 00:03:58,501
Here. Smell his head,
Darlene.
56
00:03:58,501 --> 00:03:59,767
Smell your uncle's head.
57
00:03:59,767 --> 00:04:02,234
Get that thing
away from me.
58
00:04:02,234 --> 00:04:04,434
Roseanne,
I'm exposed here.
59
00:04:04,434 --> 00:04:05,501
Oh, sorry.
60
00:04:05,501 --> 00:04:07,100
Come on, little ed.
61
00:04:07,100 --> 00:04:10,100
We go see
what mommy's got
for breakfast.
62
00:04:10,100 --> 00:04:12,534
Oh, shucks. It's
just milk again.
63
00:04:12,534 --> 00:04:14,100
Come here, little ed.
64
00:04:14,100 --> 00:04:15,868
Isn't you cute?
65
00:04:15,868 --> 00:04:18,200
Well, I'm going
to get going.
66
00:04:20,033 --> 00:04:21,968
You coming home
for dinner?
67
00:04:21,968 --> 00:04:24,033
Depends on what
we're having.
68
00:04:24,033 --> 00:04:25,033
Hi, Dan.
69
00:04:25,033 --> 00:04:26,534
Hey, Crystal--
whoa! Hello!
70
00:04:28,567 --> 00:04:31,234
Hey, dad, smell
the baby's head.
71
00:04:31,234 --> 00:04:33,000
How's the motorcycle
shop, Dan?
72
00:04:33,000 --> 00:04:34,067
Real fine.
73
00:04:34,067 --> 00:04:35,634
Sell a bike yet?
74
00:04:35,634 --> 00:04:39,400
No, no, but I'm getting
a lot of repair work.
75
00:04:39,400 --> 00:04:41,934
Boy, that ceiling
needs some spackle.
76
00:04:41,934 --> 00:04:44,868
Does this make you
uncomfortable, Dan?
77
00:04:44,868 --> 00:04:49,067
Oh, no. It's a beautiful,
natural thing.
78
00:04:49,067 --> 00:04:51,067
Well, I got to get going.
79
00:04:54,734 --> 00:04:58,200
Now, Dan, it's not
like you've never
seen breasts before.
80
00:04:58,200 --> 00:05:01,000
Crystal's my friend.
As far as I'm
concerned,
81
00:05:01,000 --> 00:05:02,434
she has no breasts.
82
00:05:02,434 --> 00:05:04,434
It works for me, ok?
83
00:05:04,434 --> 00:05:05,434
Yeah, ok.
84
00:05:05,434 --> 00:05:07,534
So when are you
coming home?
85
00:05:07,534 --> 00:05:09,200
Maybe early.
Mark's coming by
86
00:05:09,200 --> 00:05:11,567
to help me rebuild
that old triumph.
87
00:05:11,567 --> 00:05:15,067
Becky's Mark? What,
is he officially
working for you now?
88
00:05:15,067 --> 00:05:17,534
Roseanne...
He's real good with
these old bikes,
89
00:05:17,534 --> 00:05:20,400
He works cheap,
and it's only for
a couple of days.
90
00:05:20,400 --> 00:05:22,400
Dad, quick! Crystal's
switching sides!
91
00:05:22,400 --> 00:05:23,834
I'm out of here.
92
00:05:27,534 --> 00:05:29,067
Is he ok?
93
00:05:29,067 --> 00:05:31,968
Oh, yeah. He's
just a leg man.
94
00:05:31,968 --> 00:05:33,033
[Baby cries]
95
00:05:33,033 --> 00:05:35,200
What now?
You don't want to eat,
96
00:05:35,200 --> 00:05:37,968
And you don't want
to sleep, and--
97
00:05:37,968 --> 00:05:39,300
Oh!
98
00:05:39,300 --> 00:05:40,634
Oh...
99
00:05:40,634 --> 00:05:42,934
Where can I
change him?
100
00:05:42,934 --> 00:05:43,934
Your house.
101
00:05:45,534 --> 00:05:47,534
Change him
in my room.
102
00:05:47,534 --> 00:05:49,033
Ok.
Be right back.
103
00:05:49,033 --> 00:05:51,567
Roseanne, can we talk
to you for a minute?
104
00:05:51,567 --> 00:05:53,200
Yeah, sure. Go ahead.
105
00:05:53,200 --> 00:05:55,234
It's kind of...
personal.
106
00:05:55,234 --> 00:05:57,000
Oh.
107
00:05:57,000 --> 00:05:59,834
Uh, Darlene...
Go out and play.
108
00:06:01,701 --> 00:06:05,067
Play? I don't play,
mother.
109
00:06:05,067 --> 00:06:07,434
Play...pack...
Whatever.
110
00:06:08,434 --> 00:06:09,434
Fine.
111
00:06:11,534 --> 00:06:13,467
Well,
I guess now mom
112
00:06:13,467 --> 00:06:16,334
Gets to be let in
on the big secret.
113
00:06:16,334 --> 00:06:18,267
Becky's got something
really important
114
00:06:18,267 --> 00:06:20,601
she wants to talk
to you about,
115
00:06:20,601 --> 00:06:23,033
And she'd like you
to be really sensitive.
116
00:06:23,033 --> 00:06:24,567
Forget it.
I can't--
117
00:06:24,567 --> 00:06:26,234
Yes, you can.
Go ahead.
118
00:06:26,234 --> 00:06:28,334
Come on, beck.
119
00:06:28,334 --> 00:06:31,667
Well, Mark and I
are getting along
really good now,
120
00:06:31,667 --> 00:06:35,167
And I know you guys
aren't crazy
about him,
121
00:06:35,167 --> 00:06:38,601
But you got
to admit, he's
trying really hard.
122
00:06:41,901 --> 00:06:42,901
Ok...
123
00:06:44,567 --> 00:06:46,434
Um...
124
00:06:46,434 --> 00:06:49,067
Well, I was thinking,
you know...
125
00:06:49,067 --> 00:06:49,934
Um...
126
00:06:49,934 --> 00:06:52,567
J-just in case
we decide to...
127
00:06:52,567 --> 00:06:53,567
Um...
128
00:06:54,801 --> 00:06:59,100
That it's time
for me to, um...
129
00:06:59,100 --> 00:07:01,868
get some...birth control.
130
00:07:21,534 --> 00:07:23,000
Isn't it great,
Roseanne...
131
00:07:24,968 --> 00:07:28,467
That Becky has
such a wonderful,
progressive
132
00:07:28,467 --> 00:07:32,601
open-minded mom
that she can talk to
about that?
133
00:07:40,701 --> 00:07:41,767
Uh-huh.
134
00:07:43,501 --> 00:07:46,501
Well, I was going
to go to a clinic...
135
00:07:46,501 --> 00:07:50,000
Um, but Jackie
thought that
maybe I should go
136
00:07:50,000 --> 00:07:51,934
And see your g-g...
137
00:07:51,934 --> 00:07:53,734
gynecologist.
Gynecologist.
138
00:07:55,434 --> 00:07:57,634
Uh-huh.
139
00:07:57,634 --> 00:08:00,868
Really? So this
is ok with you?
140
00:08:00,868 --> 00:08:03,868
Uh-huh.
141
00:08:03,868 --> 00:08:07,767
You're kidding.
I'm so glad Jackie
made me tell you.
142
00:08:07,767 --> 00:08:10,868
Roseanne, I thought
that we should take her.
143
00:08:10,868 --> 00:08:13,767
Oh, sure!
144
00:08:13,767 --> 00:08:16,133
Sure, we'll take her.
145
00:08:16,133 --> 00:08:20,400
Oh, great.
I'm so glad I told
her. Thank you.
146
00:08:20,400 --> 00:08:21,901
Thanks so much, mom.
147
00:08:21,901 --> 00:08:23,767
Oh, boy.
148
00:08:26,200 --> 00:08:28,901
So...
149
00:08:28,901 --> 00:08:31,501
This is
a good thing, Roseanne.
150
00:08:31,501 --> 00:08:33,033
Are you crazy?
151
00:08:33,033 --> 00:08:36,367
She wants birth control,
and that's a good thing?
152
00:08:36,367 --> 00:08:37,567
Need to sit down?
153
00:08:37,567 --> 00:08:39,901
No, Jackie.
I need to lay down
154
00:08:39,901 --> 00:08:42,601
In a great
big pine box.
155
00:08:42,601 --> 00:08:46,300
She came to you.
She confided in you.
156
00:08:46,300 --> 00:08:49,000
She trusts you.
That's a good thing.
157
00:08:49,000 --> 00:08:50,801
I cannot
handle this.
158
00:08:50,801 --> 00:08:51,968
You can.
159
00:08:51,968 --> 00:08:52,968
I can't.
160
00:08:52,968 --> 00:08:55,400
I know
I can't do this.
161
00:08:55,400 --> 00:08:58,234
[Baby cries]
162
00:09:04,000 --> 00:09:06,601
I can do this.
163
00:09:11,567 --> 00:09:14,501
Well, I had to tear the
whole engine down but I
think I found your problem.
164
00:09:14,501 --> 00:09:16,300
You worked
on this yourself
165
00:09:16,300 --> 00:09:18,133
Before you brought it in.
166
00:09:18,133 --> 00:09:20,400
Well, it's going
to be 400 bucks
167
00:09:20,400 --> 00:09:22,334
To fix what you did.
168
00:09:22,334 --> 00:09:24,367
Ok. If you don't think
that's fair,
169
00:09:24,367 --> 00:09:26,801
Come on down
and pick it up.
170
00:09:26,801 --> 00:09:28,334
Bring a bag.
171
00:09:30,968 --> 00:09:31,968
Hey, dad.
172
00:09:31,968 --> 00:09:33,968
Hey, guys.
How was lunch?
173
00:09:33,968 --> 00:09:35,467
It was cool.
174
00:09:35,467 --> 00:09:38,634
Is is ever
not cool, Mark?
175
00:09:38,634 --> 00:09:39,601
Huh?
176
00:09:39,601 --> 00:09:40,667
Never mind.
177
00:09:40,667 --> 00:09:43,968
So, what time are you
picking me up tonight?
178
00:09:43,968 --> 00:09:45,501
Around 8:00, I guess.
179
00:09:45,501 --> 00:09:48,000
Ok. Bye.
180
00:09:50,501 --> 00:09:52,334
I love you.
181
00:09:52,334 --> 00:09:54,501
Yeah, me, too.
182
00:09:54,501 --> 00:09:55,501
Bye, dad.
183
00:09:55,501 --> 00:09:57,133
Yeah.
184
00:10:00,934 --> 00:10:02,567
So...
185
00:10:04,234 --> 00:10:05,734
Lunch was good?
186
00:10:05,734 --> 00:10:07,367
Yup.
187
00:10:09,334 --> 00:10:11,467
What'd you eat?
188
00:10:11,467 --> 00:10:12,667
Tacos.
189
00:10:12,667 --> 00:10:13,868
Ah...
190
00:10:16,200 --> 00:10:17,300
Mexican?
191
00:10:17,300 --> 00:10:18,334
Yup.
192
00:10:18,334 --> 00:10:20,868
Yeah.
193
00:10:20,868 --> 00:10:22,734
Well, the bike's
back there.
194
00:10:22,734 --> 00:10:23,968
[Door jingles]
195
00:10:23,968 --> 00:10:26,200
Oh, customer.
I'll be out front.
196
00:10:26,200 --> 00:10:27,367
Cool.
197
00:10:31,167 --> 00:10:32,167
Hey, Rosey.
198
00:10:32,167 --> 00:10:34,601
I brought you lunch
from the restaurant.
199
00:10:34,601 --> 00:10:35,868
Smells good.
200
00:10:35,868 --> 00:10:39,734
Yeah, I don't know why
the guy didn't finish it.
201
00:10:39,734 --> 00:10:41,100
How's it going?
202
00:10:41,100 --> 00:10:43,400
Cool.
203
00:10:43,400 --> 00:10:44,701
Oh, yeah.
204
00:10:44,701 --> 00:10:46,901
Hi, there, Mark!
205
00:10:46,901 --> 00:10:48,601
Hey!
206
00:10:49,901 --> 00:10:51,634
You just missed Becky.
207
00:10:51,634 --> 00:10:53,467
That's ok.
I'll see her later.
208
00:10:53,467 --> 00:10:55,534
Well, thanks
for lunch, hon.
209
00:10:55,534 --> 00:10:56,968
I'm going
to get back.
210
00:10:56,968 --> 00:10:58,434
Uh, Dan.
211
00:11:02,400 --> 00:11:04,367
We have to talk.
212
00:11:04,367 --> 00:11:06,300
I don't want to know.
213
00:11:06,300 --> 00:11:08,200
Well, you have to know
214
00:11:08,200 --> 00:11:10,801
Because I'm not going
to know this alone.
215
00:11:10,801 --> 00:11:11,801
What?
216
00:11:11,801 --> 00:11:14,300
Becky wants me
to take her
217
00:11:14,300 --> 00:11:16,767
And get her
some birth control.
218
00:11:22,801 --> 00:11:24,868
Where are you going?
219
00:11:24,868 --> 00:11:27,667
Oh, I'm going
to kill Mark.
220
00:11:27,667 --> 00:11:29,968
He's in back,
so I have to go
221
00:11:29,968 --> 00:11:32,601
In the back
to kill him.
222
00:11:32,601 --> 00:11:34,167
Come on, Dan.
223
00:11:34,167 --> 00:11:36,467
Well, we can't just
let this happen.
224
00:11:36,467 --> 00:11:38,834
I don't want it
to happen either,
225
00:11:38,834 --> 00:11:40,400
But if it is,
226
00:11:40,400 --> 00:11:43,400
I don't want our
daughter getting
her birth control
227
00:11:43,400 --> 00:11:46,334
from the chevron men's
room like we used to.
228
00:11:46,334 --> 00:11:48,334
What are
we supposed to do?
229
00:11:48,334 --> 00:11:51,634
Put on Sinatra,
fluff the pillows,
and dim the lights?
230
00:11:51,634 --> 00:11:53,634
Like they
listen to Sinatra.
231
00:11:55,267 --> 00:11:59,033
She's 17, Dan. I
don't think there's
much we can do.
232
00:11:59,033 --> 00:12:00,968
You're not even going to try
to talk to her out of it.
233
00:12:00,968 --> 00:12:02,100
Of course, I'm goin'
try my butt off.
234
00:12:02,100 --> 00:12:04,367
But I won't explode at
her. Neither will you.
235
00:12:04,367 --> 00:12:06,367
You want me to act like
nothing's goin' on?
236
00:12:06,367 --> 00:12:08,801
Yeah. If we go
crazy with this,
237
00:12:08,801 --> 00:12:11,100
She's not going
to trust me with anything.
238
00:12:11,100 --> 00:12:13,234
It's better
she comes to us
239
00:12:13,234 --> 00:12:16,801
rather than
learning everything from
Johnny Hormone back there.
240
00:12:16,801 --> 00:12:18,133
Oh, man.
241
00:12:18,133 --> 00:12:20,501
He's just going
to walk in here
242
00:12:20,501 --> 00:12:22,734
All innocent, like
nothing happened.
243
00:12:22,734 --> 00:12:27,167
Well, that's the way
you played it with my dad.
244
00:12:27,167 --> 00:12:29,667
Oh, god.
I forgot about that.
245
00:12:29,667 --> 00:12:32,200
Suddenly,
I feel like
calling your father
246
00:12:32,200 --> 00:12:35,467
And apologizing
for ever having sex
with his daughter.
247
00:12:35,467 --> 00:12:37,934
Ah, it's ok, Dan.
248
00:12:37,934 --> 00:12:55,968
It's enough that
you've apologized to me.
249
00:12:55,968 --> 00:12:56,968
Mrs. Addison?
250
00:13:00,534 --> 00:13:03,167
Any diabetes
in our family?
251
00:13:03,167 --> 00:13:04,167
No.
252
00:13:04,167 --> 00:13:05,400
Ulcers?
253
00:13:05,400 --> 00:13:06,400
No.
254
00:13:06,400 --> 00:13:08,634
History of migraine?
255
00:13:11,734 --> 00:13:12,734
No.
256
00:13:12,734 --> 00:13:14,734
This is my first one.
257
00:13:14,734 --> 00:13:17,734
I wish they'd just
give me the pills
258
00:13:17,734 --> 00:13:20,300
instead of this
whole exam thing.
259
00:13:20,300 --> 00:13:21,734
Oh, don't worry, Becky.
260
00:13:21,734 --> 00:13:23,901
Just keep your socks on.
261
00:13:23,901 --> 00:13:25,267
There's
a good look--
262
00:13:25,267 --> 00:13:28,067
A paper dress
and socks.
263
00:13:28,067 --> 00:13:30,267
Well, it's not
the prom, Jackie.
264
00:13:30,267 --> 00:13:32,267
If she keeps
her socks on,
265
00:13:32,267 --> 00:13:35,267
Her feet will slip
out of the stirrups.
266
00:13:35,267 --> 00:13:37,100
Yes. I know that,
Jackie,
267
00:13:37,100 --> 00:13:40,167
But socks will keep
her feet warm
in the stirrups.
268
00:13:40,167 --> 00:13:43,067
But then she's
not going to have
any traction.
269
00:13:43,067 --> 00:13:44,501
Traction's the key.
270
00:13:44,501 --> 00:13:45,734
Becky Conner?
271
00:13:45,734 --> 00:13:47,000
Oh, thank god.
272
00:13:48,300 --> 00:13:49,901
Honey!
273
00:13:55,868 --> 00:13:57,801
Go get 'em.
274
00:14:07,267 --> 00:14:09,734
Go get 'em?
275
00:14:09,734 --> 00:14:11,901
I want to say
all this stuff
276
00:14:11,901 --> 00:14:13,834
Like, "stop,
you're too young,"
277
00:14:13,834 --> 00:14:17,400
But the only thing
I talk about is socks.
278
00:14:17,400 --> 00:14:18,901
You're doing great.
279
00:14:18,901 --> 00:14:20,334
I don't believe this.
280
00:14:20,334 --> 00:14:23,334
I drive her down here.
I make the appointment.
281
00:14:23,334 --> 00:14:25,701
Well, Becky's
very, very lucky.
282
00:14:25,701 --> 00:14:28,767
What are people going
to say, Jackie?
283
00:14:28,767 --> 00:14:30,501
Who's going to know?
284
00:14:30,501 --> 00:14:32,801
She's going to tell
all her friends,
285
00:14:32,801 --> 00:14:34,734
Then they'll
tell their moms,
286
00:14:34,734 --> 00:14:37,300
"Mrs. Conner lets
Becky have sex."
287
00:14:37,300 --> 00:14:39,968
Well, Roseanne...
288
00:14:41,133 --> 00:14:43,200
Do other people
go through this,
289
00:14:43,200 --> 00:14:46,734
Or am I
the only insane mother
in the world?
290
00:14:46,734 --> 00:14:50,234
I wish our mom
had been a little
more insane.
291
00:14:50,234 --> 00:14:52,234
I took some
stupid chances
292
00:14:52,234 --> 00:14:55,234
When I was a kid,
you know.
293
00:14:55,234 --> 00:14:56,234
Mmm...
294
00:14:56,234 --> 00:14:57,300
What?
295
00:14:57,300 --> 00:14:59,534
She's all grown-up,
Jackie.
296
00:14:59,534 --> 00:15:01,801
Oh, Roseanne.
297
00:15:01,801 --> 00:15:03,734
She doesn't
need me anymore.
298
00:15:03,734 --> 00:15:07,901
Oh, of course she
does. She needs you.
299
00:15:09,234 --> 00:15:12,734
She needs you to pay
for the pills.
300
00:15:43,667 --> 00:15:44,934
[Drill buzzes]
301
00:15:50,801 --> 00:15:52,834
Something I can do
for you, Mr. Conner?
302
00:15:52,834 --> 00:15:54,000
No.
303
00:15:54,000 --> 00:15:55,167
No, I'm...
304
00:15:55,167 --> 00:15:56,767
cool.
305
00:16:03,167 --> 00:16:05,167
What is this doing here?
306
00:16:05,167 --> 00:16:06,667
I was using it.
307
00:16:06,667 --> 00:16:07,834
Using it?
308
00:16:07,834 --> 00:16:09,667
Yeah.
309
00:16:09,667 --> 00:16:14,000
Is that how you treat
my wrench, you... use it,
310
00:16:14,000 --> 00:16:18,000
Then you toss it aside
into a puddle of grease?
311
00:16:18,000 --> 00:16:19,501
Sorry.
312
00:16:19,501 --> 00:16:21,400
This wrench
was brand-new,
313
00:16:21,400 --> 00:16:22,868
Never even been touched.
314
00:16:22,868 --> 00:16:25,734
But you yanked it out
of the shrink wrap,
315
00:16:25,734 --> 00:16:27,734
Did god-knows-what
with it,
316
00:16:27,734 --> 00:16:30,167
And you're just going to
leave it laying there?
317
00:16:30,167 --> 00:16:32,167
I was going
to use it again.
318
00:16:32,167 --> 00:16:33,734
Oh, no, buddy.
319
00:16:33,734 --> 00:16:36,167
See, I don't care
what you do
320
00:16:36,167 --> 00:16:38,200
With all your other
little wrenches,
321
00:16:38,200 --> 00:16:40,667
But this
is my wrench.
322
00:16:40,667 --> 00:16:43,667
And I want it
returned in
the same condition
323
00:16:43,667 --> 00:16:45,100
You found it in.
324
00:16:45,100 --> 00:16:47,167
You got that?
Is that clear?
325
00:16:47,167 --> 00:16:48,634
Is that cool?
326
00:16:48,634 --> 00:16:50,200
Excuse me.
327
00:17:02,167 --> 00:17:03,601
[Telephone rings]
328
00:17:06,267 --> 00:17:07,667
Hello?
329
00:17:07,667 --> 00:17:10,067
Oh, yeah.
Hold on, Mark.
330
00:17:10,067 --> 00:17:13,234
Becky, zippy's
on the phone!
331
00:17:13,234 --> 00:17:16,734
So, Mark, uh, did you
dial the phone yourself,
332
00:17:16,734 --> 00:17:19,067
Or did daddy help you?
333
00:17:20,534 --> 00:17:22,567
Oh, now, that's
not very nice.
334
00:17:22,567 --> 00:17:27,767
Do you use
that filthy mouth
to kiss my sister?
335
00:17:27,767 --> 00:17:29,701
Give me the phone,
Darlene.
336
00:17:29,701 --> 00:17:31,501
Let me just say goodbye.
337
00:17:31,501 --> 00:17:33,167
[Belches]
338
00:17:41,133 --> 00:17:42,133
Come on,
339
00:17:42,133 --> 00:17:44,434
You were supposed
to pick me up at 8:00.
340
00:17:44,434 --> 00:17:46,634
Yeah.
341
00:17:46,634 --> 00:17:51,601
Ok. Yeah, tomorrow night.
342
00:17:51,601 --> 00:17:54,133
I love you.
Yeah. Bye.
343
00:17:56,868 --> 00:18:00,133
I can't believe it.
Dad's got him on the roof
344
00:18:00,133 --> 00:18:03,133
cleaning the gutters.
345
00:18:03,133 --> 00:18:06,334
But, what
about your date?
346
00:18:06,334 --> 00:18:08,167
It's off.
347
00:18:08,167 --> 00:18:10,167
Oh, honey.
348
00:18:10,167 --> 00:18:13,734
Now, what am I going
to do all night?
349
00:18:13,734 --> 00:18:17,234
Well, I've got an idea.
350
00:18:17,234 --> 00:18:20,234
Why don't we make
a ton of popcorn,
351
00:18:20,234 --> 00:18:23,501
Then we'll watch tv
and have a little chat,
352
00:18:23,501 --> 00:18:24,901
Just me and you?
353
00:18:24,901 --> 00:18:26,601
Ok.
354
00:18:26,601 --> 00:18:30,434
Let's go see
what we want.
355
00:18:30,434 --> 00:18:32,200
Hmm, cheddar cheese.
356
00:18:32,200 --> 00:18:34,601
You got it.
357
00:18:34,601 --> 00:18:36,434
How's your headache?
358
00:18:36,434 --> 00:18:37,934
Oh, it's better.
359
00:18:37,934 --> 00:18:40,367
It's just a crippling,
blinding thing.
360
00:18:40,367 --> 00:18:41,801
No biggie.
361
00:18:42,901 --> 00:18:44,901
Sorry.
362
00:18:46,934 --> 00:18:49,567
Um, Becky.
I kind of wanted to,
363
00:18:49,567 --> 00:18:53,067
You know, talk to you
about all this,
364
00:18:53,067 --> 00:18:55,000
And, um, I was wondering
if, you know, uh,
365
00:18:55,000 --> 00:18:58,467
You--you've thought
about everything.
366
00:18:58,467 --> 00:19:00,367
You mean about the pill?
367
00:19:00,367 --> 00:19:04,667
Yeah, that
and other stuff.
368
00:19:04,667 --> 00:19:07,567
You do know
that you don't
have to have sex
369
00:19:07,567 --> 00:19:09,501
just to have
a boyfriend.
370
00:19:09,501 --> 00:19:10,501
I know.
371
00:19:10,501 --> 00:19:12,534
Even though some
of your friends
372
00:19:12,534 --> 00:19:14,100
might be having sex
373
00:19:14,100 --> 00:19:16,601
and filling your head
with all these lies
374
00:19:16,601 --> 00:19:18,601
about how good it is.
375
00:19:18,601 --> 00:19:19,601
I know.
376
00:19:19,601 --> 00:19:21,667
I was just
thinking that,
377
00:19:21,667 --> 00:19:24,968
You know,
you're young and...
378
00:19:24,968 --> 00:19:26,534
maybe you
should wait.
379
00:19:26,534 --> 00:19:29,100
I mean, this is
a really big step.
380
00:19:29,100 --> 00:19:32,968
I know, mom. I've
thought about this.
381
00:19:32,968 --> 00:19:35,634
Well, I--I
just wanted
to bring it up.
382
00:19:35,634 --> 00:19:37,033
Ok.
383
00:19:37,033 --> 00:19:39,100
Uh, you know,
though, uh,
384
00:19:39,100 --> 00:19:42,467
You've got a while
to think about it more
385
00:19:42,467 --> 00:19:45,467
And maybe even reconsider
because the pill
386
00:19:45,467 --> 00:19:48,901
Doesn't kick in for
like--what? A whole month.
387
00:19:56,000 --> 00:19:57,501
Mom.
388
00:19:57,501 --> 00:19:59,501
Yeah?
389
00:19:59,501 --> 00:20:01,133
Oh...
390
00:20:03,501 --> 00:20:04,968
What?
391
00:20:06,801 --> 00:20:08,501
We...
392
00:20:08,501 --> 00:20:10,267
already...
393
00:20:17,000 --> 00:20:19,267
Already?
394
00:20:19,267 --> 00:20:21,200
I really wanted
to tell you,
395
00:20:21,200 --> 00:20:24,467
But I thought
you'd be mad.
396
00:20:24,467 --> 00:20:26,234
Already?
397
00:20:26,234 --> 00:20:28,901
Don't worry, mom.
We used something.
398
00:20:28,901 --> 00:20:31,067
You already
used something?
399
00:20:31,067 --> 00:20:33,968
Yeah. A condom.
You know, for
diseases and stuff.
400
00:20:33,968 --> 00:20:36,467
I Just thought
having the pill
401
00:20:36,467 --> 00:20:38,968
Would be like extra,
extra protection.
402
00:20:41,400 --> 00:20:42,400
Mom?
403
00:20:42,400 --> 00:20:44,400
Yeah, yeah.
Good thinking.
404
00:20:44,400 --> 00:20:46,400
Yeah, yeah.
405
00:20:46,400 --> 00:20:49,400
Is there anything else
that I need to know?
406
00:20:49,400 --> 00:20:50,601
No.
407
00:20:50,601 --> 00:20:53,634
I know every
single thing
there is to know?
408
00:20:53,634 --> 00:20:54,634
Yeah.
409
00:20:54,634 --> 00:20:56,634
Do you swear to god?
410
00:20:56,634 --> 00:20:57,634
Yeah.
411
00:20:59,400 --> 00:21:00,767
All right.
412
00:21:00,767 --> 00:21:03,934
Well, I'm going
to put the cheese
on the popcorn,
413
00:21:03,934 --> 00:21:06,434
So you get
something on tv.
414
00:21:06,434 --> 00:21:08,434
Ok.
415
00:21:08,434 --> 00:21:11,501
Listen, mom, this is
between us, right?
416
00:21:11,501 --> 00:21:14,434
You're not going
to go tell dad, are you?
417
00:21:16,133 --> 00:21:18,567
Well, not if you
don't want me to.
418
00:21:18,567 --> 00:21:20,801
Oh, thanks.
419
00:21:20,801 --> 00:21:23,501
I love you, mom.
420
00:21:23,501 --> 00:21:26,834
Yeah, yeah.
I love you, too.
421
00:21:28,834 --> 00:21:30,834
Mom, let go.
422
00:21:32,834 --> 00:21:37,567
In a couple years.
423
00:21:48,667 --> 00:21:51,067
Howdy, stranger.
424
00:21:51,067 --> 00:21:52,567
What happened?
425
00:21:52,567 --> 00:21:55,067
Well, I gave her
the big old speech,
426
00:21:55,067 --> 00:21:57,567
You know, about
waiting and everything.
427
00:21:57,567 --> 00:21:59,334
Is she going to?
428
00:21:59,334 --> 00:22:03,267
She's 17, Dan.
She thinks she's in love.
429
00:22:03,267 --> 00:22:07,601
Oh, wait. Did I mention
I wanted happy news?
430
00:22:07,601 --> 00:22:09,100
Oh, ok.
431
00:22:09,100 --> 00:22:11,567
Uh...
432
00:22:11,567 --> 00:22:12,834
Ok.
433
00:22:12,834 --> 00:22:18,534
Once upon a time,
in a perfect
fairy tale world...
434
00:22:20,200 --> 00:22:24,100
Ah, there lived
a beautiful princess
435
00:22:24,100 --> 00:22:27,100
And her beautiful mother--
the all-knowing queen--
436
00:22:27,100 --> 00:22:30,601
Who was even more beautiful
that the princess.
437
00:22:30,601 --> 00:22:33,133
And one day
the princess decided
438
00:22:33,133 --> 00:22:35,634
That she was going
to have sex
439
00:22:35,634 --> 00:22:39,434
With an ugly, creepy,
hideous little ogre,
440
00:22:39,434 --> 00:22:40,968
Named cool.
441
00:22:43,334 --> 00:22:45,267
Scary.
442
00:22:45,267 --> 00:22:46,634
Ohh.
443
00:22:46,634 --> 00:22:50,300
But that's ok
because the queen
talked to the princess
444
00:22:50,300 --> 00:22:53,801
And told her she
must never ever have sex,
445
00:22:53,801 --> 00:22:56,501
And the princess agreed.
446
00:22:56,501 --> 00:22:58,501
So the queen,
the princess,
447
00:22:58,501 --> 00:23:04,501
And the ignorant old king
448
00:23:04,501 --> 00:23:08,534
Lived happily ever after
in a totally sex-free world.
449
00:23:08,534 --> 00:23:09,534
The end.
450
00:23:09,534 --> 00:23:11,801
What happened to cool?
451
00:23:11,801 --> 00:23:14,033
Oh, it was horrible.
452
00:23:14,033 --> 00:23:16,534
He died a hideous
and grotesque death
453
00:23:16,534 --> 00:23:18,934
When something
very sharp and heavy
454
00:23:18,934 --> 00:23:21,234
And medieval fell
upon his head.
455
00:23:24,234 --> 00:23:25,534
Tell it again.
30007
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