Original subtitles

Was the baby up again all night, Crystal?

Oh, yeah, but I'm not complaining.

I'm seeing all kinds of things you'd never see

if you were getting any sleep at all.

Little Ed and I watch the sun rise and set.

Rise and set.

And did you know

the big valley comes on at 5:00 in the morning?

[Sobs]

And again at 6:30?

[Sobs]

Oh, come here, little Ed.

Come see your auntie-- sister-in-law--whatever-- Roseanne

While mommy has her little breakdown.

What is wrong with him?

Nothing wrong with him, Crystal, he's just a baby.

Well, why won't he sleep? I've tried everything.

Even the washing machine.

You put him in the washing machine?

No, Darlene. You put him in his little baby seat

on the washer, and the vibrations

are supposed to soothe him to sleep.

When you were a baby,

we couldn't afford a washing machine,

so I took you down to the river

and beat you against a rock.

Why pick on me?

Did I take the last doughnut or something?

Hey.

Hey, Becky. You want some breakfast?

I was running over to return Jackie's top.

Great. I'll put that in with this load.

Oh, you're here.

Yeah, of course.

Good, 'cause I think I have those earrings I borrowed, too.

Which earrings?

I think they're yours. Come up and see.

Oh, ok.

Great.

What's she going to go griping to aunt Jackie about?

It could be a lot of things... But it's always you.

Do you want a cigarette with that?

No, I'm good.

Well, too much coffee gives you the shakes,

And then you cut yourself shaving.

[Baby cries]

Oh...what now?

I think he's hungry.

Here. Will you hold him for a second?

Oh, gimme.

Gimme that baby.

Oh, you little it-ums smell so good, don't you?

Your head smells so sweet.

Oh, head smells sweet.

Here. Smell his head, Darlene.

Smell your uncle's head.

Get that thing away from me.

Roseanne, I'm exposed here.

Oh, sorry.

Come on, little ed.

We go see what mommy's got for breakfast.

Oh, shucks. It's just milk again.

Come here, little ed.

Isn't you cute?

Well, I'm going to get going.

You coming home for dinner?

Depends on what we're having.

Hi, Dan.

Hey, Crystal-- whoa! Hello!

Hey, dad, smell the baby's head.

How's the motorcycle shop, Dan?

Real fine.

Sell a bike yet?

No, no, but I'm getting a lot of repair work.

Boy, that ceiling needs some spackle.

Does this make you uncomfortable, Dan?

Oh, no. It's a beautiful, natural thing.

Well, I got to get going.

Now, Dan, it's not like you've never seen breasts before.

Crystal's my friend. As far as I'm concerned,

she has no breasts.

It works for me, ok?

Yeah, ok.

So when are you coming home?

Maybe early. Mark's coming by

to help me rebuild that old triumph.

Becky's Mark? What, is he officially working for you now?

Roseanne... He's real good with these old bikes,

He works cheap, and it's only for a couple of days.

Dad, quick! Crystal's switching sides!

I'm out of here.

Is he ok?

Oh, yeah. He's just a leg man.

[Baby cries]

What now? You don't want to eat,

And you don't want to sleep, and--

Oh!

Oh...

Where can I change him?

Your house.

Change him in my room.

Ok. Be right back.

Roseanne, can we talk to you for a minute?

Yeah, sure. Go ahead.

It's kind of... personal.

Oh.

Uh, Darlene... Go out and play.

Play? I don't play, mother.

Play...pack... Whatever.

Fine.

Well, I guess now mom

Gets to be let in on the big secret.

Becky's got something really important

she wants to talk to you about,

And she'd like you to be really sensitive.

Forget it. I can't--

Yes, you can. Go ahead.

Come on, beck.

Well, Mark and I are getting along really good now,

And I know you guys aren't crazy about him,

But you got to admit, he's trying really hard.

Ok...

Um...

Well, I was thinking, you know...

Um...

J-just in case we decide to...

Um...

That it's time for me to, um...

get some...birth control.

Isn't it great, Roseanne...

That Becky has such a wonderful, progressive

open-minded mom that she can talk to about that?

Uh-huh.

Well, I was going to go to a clinic...

Um, but Jackie thought that maybe I should go

And see your g-g...

gynecologist. Gynecologist.

Uh-huh.

Really? So this is ok with you?

Uh-huh.

You're kidding. I'm so glad Jackie made me tell you.

Roseanne, I thought that we should take her.

Oh, sure!

Sure, we'll take her.

Oh, great. I'm so glad I told her. Thank you.

Thanks so much, mom.

Oh, boy.

So...

This is a good thing, Roseanne.

Are you crazy?

She wants birth control, and that's a good thing?

Need to sit down?

No, Jackie. I need to lay down

In a great big pine box.

She came to you. She confided in you.

She trusts you. That's a good thing.

I cannot handle this.

You can.

I can't.

I know I can't do this.

[Baby cries]

I can do this.

Well, I had to tear the whole engine down but I think I found your problem.

You worked on this yourself

Before you brought it in.

Well, it's going to be 400 bucks

To fix what you did.

Ok. If you don't think that's fair,

Come on down and pick it up.

Bring a bag.

Hey, dad.

Hey, guys. How was lunch?

It was cool.

Is is ever not cool, Mark?

Huh?

Never mind.

So, what time are you picking me up tonight?

Around 8:00, I guess.

Ok. Bye.

I love you.

Yeah, me, too.

Bye, dad.

Yeah.

So...

Lunch was good?

Yup.

What'd you eat?

Tacos.

Ah...

Mexican?

Yup.

Yeah.

Well, the bike's back there.

[Door jingles]

Oh, customer. I'll be out front.

Cool.

Hey, Rosey.

I brought you lunch from the restaurant.

Smells good.

Yeah, I don't know why the guy didn't finish it.

How's it going?

Cool.

Oh, yeah.

Hi, there, Mark!

Hey!

You just missed Becky.

That's ok. I'll see her later.

Well, thanks for lunch, hon.

I'm going to get back.

Uh, Dan.

We have to talk.

I don't want to know.

Well, you have to know

Because I'm not going to know this alone.

What?

Becky wants me to take her

And get her some birth control.

Where are you going?

Oh, I'm going to kill Mark.

He's in back, so I have to go

In the back to kill him.

Come on, Dan.

Well, we can't just let this happen.

I don't want it to happen either,

But if it is,

I don't want our daughter getting her birth control

from the chevron men's room like we used to.

What are we supposed to do?

Put on Sinatra, fluff the pillows, and dim the lights?

Like they listen to Sinatra.

She's 17, Dan. I don't think there's much we can do.

You're not even going to try to talk to her out of it.

Of course, I'm goin' try my butt off.

But I won't explode at her. Neither will you.

You want me to act like nothing's goin' on?

Yeah. If we go crazy with this,

She's not going to trust me with anything.

It's better she comes to us

rather than learning everything from Johnny Hormone back there.

Oh, man.

He's just going to walk in here

All innocent, like nothing happened.

Well, that's the way you played it with my dad.

Oh, god. I forgot about that.

Suddenly, I feel like calling your father

And apologizing for ever having sex with his daughter.

Ah, it's ok, Dan.

It's enough that you've apologized to me.

Mrs. Addison?

Any diabetes in our family?

No.

Ulcers?

No.

History of migraine?

No.

This is my first one.

I wish they'd just give me the pills

instead of this whole exam thing.

Oh, don't worry, Becky.

Just keep your socks on.

There's a good look--

A paper dress and socks.

Well, it's not the prom, Jackie.

If she keeps her socks on,

Her feet will slip out of the stirrups.

Yes. I know that, Jackie,

But socks will keep her feet warm in the stirrups.

But then she's not going to have any traction.

Traction's the key.

Becky Conner?

Oh, thank god.

Honey!

Go get 'em.

Go get 'em?

I want to say all this stuff

Like, "stop, you're too young,"

But the only thing I talk about is socks.

You're doing great.

I don't believe this.

I drive her down here. I make the appointment.

Well, Becky's very, very lucky.

What are people going to say, Jackie?

Who's going to know?

She's going to tell all her friends,

Then they'll tell their moms,

"Mrs. Conner lets Becky have sex."

Well, Roseanne...

Do other people go through this,

Or am I the only insane mother in the world?

I wish our mom had been a little more insane.

I took some stupid chances

When I was a kid, you know.

Mmm...

What?

She's all grown-up, Jackie.

Oh, Roseanne.

She doesn't need me anymore.

Oh, of course she does. She needs you.

She needs you to pay for the pills.

[Drill buzzes]

Something I can do for you, Mr. Conner?

No.

No, I'm...

cool.

What is this doing here?

I was using it.

Using it?

Yeah.

Is that how you treat my wrench, you... use it,

Then you toss it aside into a puddle of grease?

Sorry.

This wrench was brand-new,

Never even been touched.

But you yanked it out of the shrink wrap,

Did god-knows-what with it,

And you're just going to leave it laying there?

I was going to use it again.

Oh, no, buddy.

See, I don't care what you do

With all your other little wrenches,

But this is my wrench.

And I want it returned in the same condition

You found it in.

You got that? Is that clear?

Is that cool?

Excuse me.

[Telephone rings]

Hello?

Oh, yeah. Hold on, Mark.

Becky, zippy's on the phone!

So, Mark, uh, did you dial the phone yourself,

Or did daddy help you?

Oh, now, that's not very nice.

Do you use that filthy mouth to kiss my sister?

Give me the phone, Darlene.

Let me just say goodbye.

[Belches]

Come on,

You were supposed to pick me up at 8:00.

Yeah.

Ok. Yeah, tomorrow night.

I love you. Yeah. Bye.

I can't believe it. Dad's got him on the roof

cleaning the gutters.

But, what about your date?

It's off.

Oh, honey.

Now, what am I going to do all night?

Well, I've got an idea.

Why don't we make a ton of popcorn,

Then we'll watch tv and have a little chat,

Just me and you?

Ok.

Let's go see what we want.

Hmm, cheddar cheese.

You got it.

How's your headache?

Oh, it's better.

It's just a crippling, blinding thing.

No biggie.

Sorry.

Um, Becky. I kind of wanted to,

You know, talk to you about all this,

And, um, I was wondering if, you know, uh,

You--you've thought about everything.

You mean about the pill?

Yeah, that and other stuff.

You do know that you don't have to have sex

just to have a boyfriend.

I know.

Even though some of your friends

might be having sex

and filling your head with all these lies

about how good it is.

I know.

I was just thinking that,

You know, you're young and...

maybe you should wait.

I mean, this is a really big step.

I know, mom. I've thought about this.

Well, I--I just wanted to bring it up.

Ok.

Uh, you know, though, uh,

You've got a while to think about it more

And maybe even reconsider because the pill

Doesn't kick in for like--what? A whole month.

Mom.

Yeah?

Oh...

What?

We...

already...

Already?

I really wanted to tell you,

But I thought you'd be mad.

Already?

Don't worry, mom. We used something.

You already used something?

Yeah. A condom. You know, for diseases and stuff.

I Just thought having the pill

Would be like extra, extra protection.

Mom?

Yeah, yeah. Good thinking.

Yeah, yeah.

Is there anything else that I need to know?

No.

I know every single thing there is to know?

Yeah.

Do you swear to god?

Yeah.

All right.

Well, I'm going to put the cheese on the popcorn,

So you get something on tv.

Ok.

Listen, mom, this is between us, right?

You're not going to go tell dad, are you?

Well, not if you don't want me to.

Oh, thanks.

I love you, mom.

Yeah, yeah. I love you, too.

Mom, let go.

In a couple years.

Howdy, stranger.

What happened?

Well, I gave her the big old speech,

You know, about waiting and everything.

Is she going to?

She's 17, Dan. She thinks she's in love.

Oh, wait. Did I mention I wanted happy news?

Oh, ok.

Uh...

Ok.

Once upon a time, in a perfect fairy tale world...

Ah, there lived a beautiful princess

And her beautiful mother-- the all-knowing queen--

Who was even more beautiful that the princess.

And one day the princess decided

That she was going to have sex

With an ugly, creepy, hideous little ogre,

Named cool.

Scary.

Ohh.

But that's ok because the queen talked to the princess

And told her she must never ever have sex,

And the princess agreed.

So the queen, the princess,

And the ignorant old king

Lived happily ever after in a totally sex-free world.

The end.

What happened to cool?

Oh, it was horrible.

He died a hideous and grotesque death

When something very sharp and heavy

And medieval fell upon his head.

Tell it again.