Original subtitles

She is right outside.

Yes, good. Let's have a little talk with her.

Carly, get in here. Right now.

Have a seat.

So, I understand you put some flyers up all over the school?

Yes, I did.

- Punk! - Miss Briggs.

I'm calm.

Carly, this flyer.

It's a... It's a...

It's not funny.

Why would you Photodoc my head

onto the body of a rhinoceros?

- Well, I... - Rhinoceros?

Oh, no, no, no. She made you a hippopotamus.

No, no. She's a rhinoceros.

A hippo has fatter thighs and a wider snout.

But the rhinos are the fat guys.

What does it matter?

I think we should call her father in to discuss this.

My dad's stationed in Europe right now.

He's in the military.

Well, there must be some adult in charge of her.

My older brother, Spencer.

Oh, yes, the artist.

He's a great artist.

Look, we don't need to call her brother in about this.

I'm sure that you can come up with a suitable punishment.

Fine.

You know, Carly, I am in charge of the talent show this year.

Yeah, you're holding auditions on Saturday.

No, you are.

I will be enjoying my Saturday

while you videotape the auditions for me.

No! I'm going to see Cuddlefish play live

at the Hawthorne on Saturday!

Not anymore.

Come on!

It's what you get for turning me into a hippopotamus.

- Rhinoceros. - Get out.

Right.

In five, four, three, two

I know, you see

I know somehow we're gonna get there. And feel so wonderful

It's all for real

I'm telling you just how I feel

So wake up the members of my nation

It's your time to be

There's no chance unless you take one

And the time to see

The brighter side of every situation

Some things are meant to be.

So give your best and leave the rest to me

Leave it all to me.

Leave it all to me.

Just leave it all to me

iCarly S01E01 iPilot

- Let me go! - Say you're sorry.

- I'm sorry! - And what are you sorry for?

For saying you're aggressive!

And what am I again?

- Pretty and sweet! - Thank you!

Now the next time...

Hair, hair, hair.

Hi.

- Did you get in trouble? - Of course I got in trouble!

Teachers tend to get upset when you put their heads

on the bodies of big, fat animals!

I can't believe I let you talk me

into taking the blame for you!

You had to. I've already been suspended once this semester.

If I'd gotten busted they'd have expelled me.

Well, here's an idea.

- What? - Stop doing bad things!

Okay. Chillax.

I will not chillax!

And get excited, 'cause you and I get to

spend our entire Saturday here

videotaping kids' auditions for the talent show.

No way, gross.

Sorry, that's my pinishment. So that's your punishment, too.

All right. Whatever.

You know, anybody but me would punch you right in the head.

Which is why you are my best friend.

Good to know.

Now, why are you mine?

Because I'm a lovable person.

You dropped this!

Thanks, but you really...

I was gonna walk you home from school

but I couldn't find you. Hey!

Freddie, were you just looking out your peephole

waiting for me to come home?

- No! - Freddie.

Yes.

I thought we talked about this.

We can be buds, but you gotta get over this crush thing.

I am over it. Seriously.

I'm in love with you.

You just wanna be friends.

And I'm totally cool living with that constant pain.

Oh, god.

Hey, I hear you need to borrow a camcorder

to tape some auditions.

- Yeah, but I choose my brother's. - Look,

you will change your mind.

You know my digits.

- Hey, I don't need your cellphone. - You can have it.

- I'm home. - Hey, kiddo!

Up here.

Just taking some pics of my robot sculpture.

Smile!

You know, for most eighth grade girls,

if they came home and found their 26- year- old brother

dangling upside down from the ceiling

over a giant robot made out of soda bottles,

it'd be weird.

You're saying I'm abnormal.

Do I need to say it

Come down from there before you hurt yourself.

No worries. I got my leg wrapped around this pipe.

I can't believe you are in charge of me.

Please help me stand up.

Are you all right?

Yeah. Nope.

I dislocated my shoulder again.

One sec.

Yeah, that fixed her.

- Good. So listen, I need a favour. - Shoot.

I have to tape a bunch of auditions at school on Saturday.

- Fun. - Yeah, not really.

Anyway, would you let me borrow your video camera?

- I would. - Awesome.

Though I can't.

Why not?

I made it into a squirrel.

I told you the front doors would be locked.

You gotta go around to the blue doors in back of the...

Oh, my God.

Morning, Carly.

See you in a sec.

- Freddie? - What do you think of my equipment?

I just asked to borrow your video camera. What is all this?

Well, that's a 3- chip high- def camcorder

with a hyper- cardioid condenser microphone.

mounted on a carbon fibre tripod

with a low- drag fluid head.

I also brought you juice and a bagel.

Hey, you invited the doof.

- Sam. - Man!

I didn't know that was gonna be here.

"She." I'm a she,

Freddie, as in "girl."

Barely.

Just keep your hands off my AV equipment.

You mean I can't play with the white balance

on your super- dee- duper- dee camcorder?

Sure! Everybody jokes about the white balance

till the skin tones go magenta

Carly will never love you.

That's it.

I'm taking my stuff and I'm going home!

- Please stay. - Okay.

Okay, Jeb, you ready to audition?

Yeah. I will be performing a scene from a French play

Okay.

We don't know what that means, but knock us out.

Rolling?

Rolling.

But but where did she go? I don't know.

But when will she be back? I don't know!

Well, where can I find her? I tell you, I do not know!

- Okay! - Nice job!

- What'd you think? - I don't know!

You don't know?

I tell you, I do not know!

But you must know!

How can I know when I do not know?

I don't know.

I will play the trumpet.

- Great. - Nice.

While hopping on this Pogo Stick.

That's what I'm talking about!

You go, girl! Yeah. Pogo- tastic!

That's awesome! Jump and blow!

So the doc says, "Why'd you wait so long to bring her in?"

So I say, "I liked the eggs."

That's awesome. Thanks

- Not that funny. No. - No, no, not at all.

But forget that.

Can we please discuss the boy's hair and glasses?

He looks like Miss Briggs.

Yeah, except he doesn't have Miss Briggs' crazy pointy boobs.

I know, what is up with those?

It's like she stuffs waffle cones in her bra.

Totally! I mean,

she could poke an eye out with one of those things.

Okay, okay, we better keep going.

We've still got 11 more kids to see.

Oh! 11?

Calm down.They can't get worse.

And I was wrong.

Sam. Sam. Wake up.

What time is it?

Late. What time's your mom coming to pick you up?

She's not. I told her you invited me to spend the night.

I didn't invite you to spend the night.

Well, you should 'cause I'm not leaving.

What you doing?

Checking to make sure Freddie put the auditions online.

I told Miss Briggs

we'd upload 'em on SplashFace tonight

so she could watch 'em in the morning.

I kind of hate Miss Briggs.

Remember when she called me a demon?

- No! - Oh, Yeah.

It was when I put that raw chicken in her purse and...

Shut up and come look at this!

What, Freddie didn't upload the auditions?

No! He uploaded us!

- What? - Look!

- That's you and me! - Sure is!

He wasn't supposed to film us!

We were being all goofy and acting like idiots all day!

Oh, my God. We made fun of Miss Briggs

and her crazy pointy boobs!

If she sees that...

Anyone can see it! It's on SplashFace!

Okay, okay, chillax.

Look, see the view count?

Only 27 people have clicked on it.

Okay, good.

Sam?

- Yeah. - That's 27,000!

- Can you remove it? - Maybe.

Oh, I need Freddie's password.

- Which part does he live in? - The one across the hall.

But it's after midnight so you probably shouldn't... Oh, no.

Oh, great. Now there are 28,000 people are watch us.

Quit it, Sam!

Let go of my foot! Too much friction! Let go!

What is the matter with you?

Why'd you film us at the auditions today?

oh.

Cause you guys were being funny.

Well, you shouldn't have put us online

without our permission!

I didn't! I edited you guys out

before I uploaded the auditions.

No, you did the opposite of that!

What? There's no way I...

- Yeah. - Just take us off the site!

- Okay, okay! Just give me a sec. - This is so not good.

Anyone, anyone in the world can just click

and see everything we did and said today.

It's so embarrassing. And if Miss Briggs sees...

Don't even talk about it. 'Cause if she...

Got it.

See, it says, "At your request,

this video will be removed."

- Good! - Finally.

- Tomorrow morning. - Man!

Do you know how many more thousands of people

can view it by then?

All right, look, before you get all freaked out,

SplashFace has message boards.

- So? - So, let's see what people are saying about the video.

Okay, here's one.

"Carly, you and your friend Sam crack me up. Funny stuff."

Great, so one kid thinks...

Wait. SlackerBoy314 writes,"Carly, you're hot."

It's true.

- You are. - Stop.

Oh, hey, check this one.

Carly and Sam, you chicks are hilarious.

When's your next show?

And this kid says,

"You guys are way better than most of the puke

here on SplashFace."

Wow. They love us.

Yeah! More than puke.

Where's Miss Briggs?

What if she saw it?

The video was off by yesterday morning.

What if she saw it before it was off?

It was Sunday. She was probably in church.

What church would let Miss Briggs in the door?

Hello, Carly. Samantha.

- Howdy. - Morning, Miss Briggs.

We had some trouble putting the video online,

so here's a DVD of

every kid who auditioned on Saturday.

- Thank you. - Sure.

I'll try not to poke a hole in this with my pointy bosoms.

She saw the video.

We're so sorry.

Yes, and I imagine you will be sorry

after I grade your next exams.

- Miss Briggs? - What?

I typed up a list of the kids we think

should be in the talent show.

Snorting milk? Pogo stick hopping? These aren't talents.

They were the most fun kids to watch.

Goodbye.

Wait, so you're not gonna let any of the kids

we picked be in the show?

That's right. Girls.

No one enjoys that!

I am so mad!

Me, too.

I need some ham.

Seriously, Miss Briggs is the worst!

You don't gotta convince me.

I hated her even after she got that brown lump

removed from her nose.

I'll tell you something.

She is what's wrong with the world.

- Who's what's wrong with the world? - Miss Briggs.

Well, hey, at least she got that brown lump

taken off of her nose.

I just hate it when adults like her

get to control what kids can do and see.

It ticks me off.

Why do they put a bone right in the middle of a ham?

Hey, remember all that stuff those kids wrote about us

on the message boards?

Yeah.

Things like, You guys should upload more videos.

And, "When's your next show?"

And, "We want more."

Let's give 'em more.

- More? - Okay, what are we talking about here

Doing a web show, online, every week.

Why?

Cause it can be whatever we want it to be.

no adults to say,"You can do this. You can't do that."

We can do whatever we want

say whatever we want.

Would it mean I have to do, like, work and stuff?

Well, if you're gonna do a show you gotta prepare for it.

Then make it your show.

You do the work.

I'll just show up and be your amusing little sidekick.

- Wait, what's the show gonna be about? - Anything.

Something different every week.

But for the first show, kids with bizarro talents.

Clever. Miss Briggs says, "No, no, no."

We say, "Yeah, yeah, yeah."

Hey, why don't you guys call your show "iCarly."

You know, "I," Internet, Carly, you.

- I like it. - ICarly's cool.

And you're gonna need a technical producer, right?

To set up the lights, audio, work the camera?

He wants to be our geek.

You got a big mouth, lady.

Is that your shirt? I don't like it.

- I don't have to take that. - Yeah, you do.

All right.

You know what, Sam. I'm so...

That is so mature.

Children.

Hey! Look what someone just left in the dumpster.

Isn't she amazing?

Hey, can we use the third floor as kind of a TV studio?

- Well, I don't know... - Thanks! You rock.

Wait, I didn't say...

Why do you need... Okay, later!

52 seconds.

- Sam, come on! - Sorry, I had to pee!

You always have to pee.

Well, it's either that or I explode.

- 45 seconds! - We're on our way up!

You know what to do?

We sit together, me on the left, you on the right.

Camera opens on the sign, pans down to me.

...we chat with all the kids with great talents.

- You got it? - I'm down.

20 seconds!

Here we go.

- I look good? - Perfect. Me?

Well, you got something in your teeth.

Get it out! Get it out...

Hey, there, people of Earth.

I'm Carly Shay and this is our very first webcast

of a little show we call iCarly.

- She's Carly. - She's Sam.

- Sam I am. - Carly, Sam.

- I think they're clear. - Demonstrate the thing!

Yeah! With this item, provided by our dorky friend Freddie.

That's disrespectful!

We and do this, and this.

and this

Okay.

Tonight, we're gonna show you some kids

with super insane talents.

- Freak show! - Stop it.

Okay, this first kid we're gonna show you

can take a glass of milk.

This is so deliciously gross.

Snort the milk up into his nose.

- It's the best thing ever. - And then make the milk

squirt out of his eyes.

I wanna marry this boy!

- Let's bring him out. Simon Kendal! - You're up, dude!

Okay, Simon

You ready to blow people away

- with your freakish talent? - Do it!

Let's go.

Drum roll.

- Oh, my gosh. - The king of dairy! The king of dairy!

- You won't see that every day. - Give it up for Simon!

She's a contortionist. Will you look at her?

Look at it. It looks painful.

Yeah. Oh, my gosh.

No. Seriously, that is amazing

- Look at her! - She's so stretchy.

(?) just fold her up and put her in your pocket?

I'm not normal.

Okay, this is insane!

- Tell the people your name. - Brennan Yubberly.

Yeah, Yubberly!

Okay, any word you say,

Brennan can say backwards perfectly.

He's a backwards talker.

Check this out.

- Ointment. - Tnenmtnio

Yes! Okay. "Slippery watermelon."

Yreppils nolemretaw.

- Do you hear this? - We love this boy!

Okay, okay! Say, "I must be from planet Jupiter

because there's no other way

I could be saying all this backwards!

.........

- Did you hear that? - Insanity!

Ytinasni!

That's enough, Brennan.

Yeah! Great job!

Wonderful!

Looking at that goat made me hungry!

Well, you can eat soon

cause the very first webcast of iCarly is almost over.

No, no, don't be sad.

We still got one more kid with a weird talent.

- But first... - Here's some stuff you need to know.

If you liked our show, tell your friends.

Your cousins, people you like.

People you hate. All people of this planet.

That we're gonna be here, live,

online every week at iCarly. Com.

In fact, next week,

Carly's gonna take my tonsils out right here.

- She's lying. - But how awesome would that be?

So, there is anything you want to see us do.

or hear us talk about right here on the show

- No matter how crazy or weird. - Or stupid.

You can contact us by going to icarly.com.

And click on the feedback button.

Feedback button!

Click till it hurts!

And if you wanna send us a video

of you doing or saying anything cool.

Telling a joke, eating a bug

- just email the video clip to us. - Carly and me.

- Me and Sam. - At iCarly. Com

- And if it's cool enough - We'll show it right here on iCarly.

- So send us up. - Talk back.

But be nice. Cause if you are not.

We will find where you live.

And go to treat with these.

OK. Our last freakishly talented

kid's name is Taryn James.

And she's about to play us out. With her trumpet.

But with a little extra twist. Hit the button.

Get out here, Taryn!

Will you look at that!

- It seems impossible. - That is so cool!

I wish I could do that!

Yeah

Well, thanks for watching! Don't forget to tune in next time!

Oh, my gosh! This is so much fun!

And we're clear!

Yes! We did it!

- Well. - Hurry!

You guys are making me nervous.

- Here it is. - How many?

37,000!

Why are we happy?

Cause our very first web show rocked!

And was watched by over 37,000 people!

Get out! My baby sister's a web star.

Hey, we should have a party, you know, to celebrate.

- Yeah, that'd be so cool. - Yeah, that'd be so tight!

Yes, we should.

- But it shouldn't be a normal, regular party. - Oh no.

It needs to be something different,

something wonderfully random.

Crazy hat party?

Hey, awesome party.

- Yeah. - You wanna go out the hall and kiss?

- No. - Yeah, me neither.

Hey, cupcake.

There you are!

- Nice hat. - Back at you.

- Hi. Can we get your autographs? - We love iCarly.

Your web show.

- Sure. - No prob.

- There you go. - There.

- Thanks. - Sure.

I love you, Carly!

Wow. I just signed an autograph.

Get used to it. iCarly's a great show.

You might get famous.

Yeah. I don't know if I'm gonna like that.

Hey. Saw your web show.

Pretty hot.

Thanks.

Yeah, thanks a lot.

- So, you guys wanna dance? - Yes.

Cool, let's do it.

I'm gonna like it.

Hey! Hey, stop that! Put her down! She's not for you!

How pitiful! Who invited you?

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