Original subtitles

48 hours until the wedding

Strip!

Neck is sixteen and a half.

Shoulder is twenty-two.

And the sleeve is 25 and 5/8.

I thought the rental tuxes were fine.

They were not fine.

(Spanish muttering)

They were kind of stodgy, Brian.

My little pepito Chase is not going to

walk down the aisle in a cheap suit

from some fat kid's bar mitzvah!

You guys are the best!

Of course we are.

Pants!

You can really make two tuxes in just a couple of days?

Sweetie, I once made an entire ball gown

in four hours our of nothing but

a shower curtain, crazy glue, and

a box of fruity pebbles!

We got this.

Strip!

Did Brian tell you how much fun we had at his bachelor party?

No. What did you crazy teachers get into?

We went out for fondu!

Really?

Oh it was crazy, alright!

I wanted to hire a stripper, but Brian wouldn't let me.

Pants!

Do I have to?

Chase, how did you of all people end up with a shy fiancé?

Opposites attract?

They must.

Francine, you should have called me.

My gogo buddies would have loved to give Brian his big send off!

See Brian!

That's what I was trying to avoid!

Hell, I could have done it myself.

Hey there-- tall, pale, and almost married.

You want to get lucky one last time before you tie the knot?

I'm sorry, I'm taken.

Really?

What if I...?

(whispers)

Yep!

Fittings over. I'm taking this stripper home!

Do I want to know what you are doing?

I'm just checking to make sure that I can still carry him over the threshold.

He's been putting on weight.

You're up to what? One percent body fat now?

We could have had strippers!

It wouldn't matter. You'd never top the crazy bachelor party that Fantasia is throwing for Chase tomorrow!

What are you talking about? You're the one planning the party!

No, you said you wanted to.

Yes but then you hit me with "Oh he's my little pequito, I should be the one to..."

Every time you break into Spanish you know you're wrong!

Guys! I don't need a bachelor party!

You're having a party!

Don't pass the buck on to me!

I still can't believe it! In just two days my little boy is getting married!

We did it!

Hey! I'm the one who proposed! Don't I get any credit?

Let them have the win. They've been at this for a while.

This is my wonderful son, Brian.

And let me tell you, he is a CATCH!

He's smart, funny, a good cook.

But a little on the shy side.

He's not shy! He just takes a while to warm up to people

So as soon as he graduated college

My sister Rose and I introduced him to the perfect girl!

Sally Anne McGruber, the niece of our next door neighbor.

But she and Brian didn't hit it off.

So then we tried Lucy Van Meersborgen.

Also a swing and a miss.

So then we tried Daisy

Susie, Camille, Joanne So then we tried Daisy

Susie, Camille, Joanne

Don't forget Erica.

Jamie, Josie, Piper, Ashley, Emma, Ava, Letticia, Felicia, Abigail...

And Zoe!

And Brian didn't go for any of them!

Which is when I realized that we might be barking up the wrong tree.

And that's when we found Chase!

He didn't make the best first impression.

Says you!

But then we got to talking. And he was sweet and funny.

And he has the cutest little keyster.

Not the point!

But it doesn't hurt.

Anyway, I knew. I just knew

that this was the person who could finally make my son happy!

You've got the license?

Yeah mom.

And you double checked with the florist?

Yep

And with the limo driver?

We're not getting a limo.

What?

Mom, we live three blocks from the church.

We'll walk.

You can't walk to your wedding!

What about the tin cans!

And the JUST MARRIED sign?

Mom! Aunt Rose! We're walking.

Okay.

Wait! Chase!

I was making the seating plan for the reception...

We have a seating plan?

We do now.

And you left all of your family off the guest list! How many people do you think are coming?

My family's not real big on gay weddings.

But some will be there right?

What about your dad?

Dead.

Your mom?

Not yet. But here's hoping!

Chase Hill! How can you say such a thing?

Easy. I've met her.

But...

Mom. Aunt Rose. Drop it.

Can you imagine not inviting your mother to your wedding?

Yeah, but it's what Chase wants.

It's what he thinks he wants.

Mae! You're not going to meddle, are you?

Of course not.

Even though it's going to throw a pall over my son's perfect wedding.

Where are you going?

And it's the last chance that Chase will have to makeup with his mom.

Mae!

And deep down, I know that Chase really misses her.

So we're gonna meddle?

Well Rose, if you insist!

How's this one?

Don't you have anything more conservative?

More conservative than this?

Crazy!

Mae? Rose?

Chase! Good to see you!

Sit down and have some bacon!

Thanks!

So how's Brian doing?

There's a thing with the caterer.

But you know Brian, he's all over it.

So what's the big secret?

Secret?

Last minute brunch? Just me?

You two are up to something.

Well...

Rose and I just wanted to spend a little time with you before the wedding.

And that's all?

Why so suspicious?

Because I know you.

I love you. But I know you.

Stop being ridiculous.

You want some syrup with that?

Mae and I sure are looking forward to the wedding.

Yeah. I kind of got that.

But it's such a shame that your mother won't be there.

So that's the big plan?

You guys are going to try and talk me in to calling my mom?

Of course not.

But I think if you would just talk...

My mom and I don't talk. We yell.

I'll get it!

Who's that?

Well, I just thought...

Tell me you didn't do this!

You left me no choice!

If you don't invite your mother to this wedding she will never speak to you again!

What did you tell her?

That you're getting married, and she needs to speak with you.

Chase! How's my boy?

I'm fine. Are you okay?

And you must be Mrs. Davis.

Call me Mae.

Irene. Thank you so much for inviting me.

I cannot believe this one was going to get married and not even tell me!

Well you know, Mom. The way we left things...

And that's your excuse for not inviting me to your wedding?

I didn't think you would come.

Chase, all I have ever wanted is to see you settle down and be happy.

Really? You'll come to my wedding?

Of course I will!

Now come here you little rascal!

Mom, you don't know what this means to me.

Okay, don't go blubbering on me.

We've got a lot to catch up on.

See! I knew that we could work this out.

Welcome to the family Irene.

Thank you, Mae!

Muffin?

Please!

Now Mae, when do I get to meet this wonderful daughter of yours?

She doesn't have a daughter, mom. I'm marrying her son, Brian.

I see.

So this is why you wanted me to talk to him.

I was just hoping.

It's all right. I will take care of it.

Chase Hill, you are not going to have this sham wedding.

So call your little sex buddy and tell him the jokes over.

Mom, you can't just come in here and start...

Oh yes I can!

No, you can't!

Want to bet?

Does this Brian know what kind of man you are?

Remember this?

No. Not even you would do that.

I will if it's the only way to stop you from spitting in God's face!

I'm not spitting at anybody! I'm just getting married!

Maybe we all need to just...

There is no such thing as two men getting married.

Well the Supreme Court disagrees.

I love Brian. Just like you loved dad.

Bull pucky. Men don't love each other that way.

And what's gonna happen when the right girl comes along?

There's never going to be a girl, mom.

Why? Are you afraid of women?

I like women fine. I just don't want to fuck them.

Language!

You asked!

This is not my fault.

Neither of your brothers turned out this way.

Really? You wish that I'd turned out like Tyler and Jackson?

Do not judge your brothers!

Tyler is making amends for his mistakes.

He's finally married Charlene.

Yeah, so that the prison would give them conjugal visits.

And Jackson and Brittany are getting back together.

No, they're not.

Yes they are.

No mom, that's what the restraining order means.

I don't understand where I went wrong.

It means they're not getting back together!

When did you go wrong?

I didn't go wrong. I've always been this way.

That is a load of malarky and you know it!

What about that sweet little girl you were dating in sixth grade?

Susie? Susie Cameron?

Yes, sweet little Susie Cameron.

You two were as thick as thieves.

You dated a girl?

No. I was only hanging out with Susie so that I could mess around with her brother Jake

And you were always so good at sports.

No, mom. I was good at wrestling. Men's wrestling.

And you even volunteered for the church choir!

Because I was blowing all the tenors!

Chase Hill! How can you say these things?

You're the one who wanted to take a stroll down memory lane.

How did this happen?

When did I lose my wonderful little boy?

He's right here, mom.

You were always my angel.

Out of the whole trouble making bunch, you were always my perfect....

Perfect? I was perfect until you found that I like guys.

And then you threw me out!

I didn't throw you out! You ran away!

No! You were the one who was shipping me off to a de-gaying facility in South America!

By strapping electrodes to my nuts?

You could have at least tried it.

Fruit salad?

They could have helped you! Fruit salad?

Fruit salad?

I am so sorry.

I never have been able to get through to him.

That's not exactly why...

I suppose you've already talked to your son?

Yes, we've chatted.

And he's not willing to call off this Satanic celebration of perversion, either.

No, I don't believe he is.

Well then, I guess it's up to us.

Ladies, we have got a wedding to stop!

What do you think of this one, Mrs. Hill?

Bigger!

Where are they holding this so called wedding?

First Metropolitan Where are they holding this so called wedding?

First Metropolitan

You don't have to be so helpful!

Florence, I want building plans. I want to block every possible entrance.

I'm on it.

Wow. There are so many...

Beauregard, we need more signs.

Kevin! I want megaphones. Lots of megaphones.

And more bodies! Hit the phones!

I want every good Christian from here to Liberty University at this protest!

We are going to build a wall of believers around that church!

This is terrible!

I know! And it's all our fault!

OUR fault?

I'm not the one who invited Attila the Nun to brunch!

We can assign blame later.

Are you gonna help me save this wedding, or not?

Of course I'm gonna help!

But what are we going to do now?

Well...

What happened to you?

Your mother.

Do I want to know?

No, but I'm in a bad mood now. What are you going to do about it?

Well...

Yep. That will do it.

Glad to know that I can still put a smile on your face.

How the hell did we end up together?

What kind of question is that?

I'm not complaining. It's just...

You know, you're the life of the party.

And you're the life of the library?

Blame your mom.

She made me go out with you.

You could have said no.

Are you kidding?

She was flogging your picture at every guy at the bar.

Somebody had to go out with you just to shut her up.

So you were just taking one for the team?

Your picture was cute.

And she told me some interesting things about you.

Oh, God. Do I want to know?

Actually, she knows you better than you think.

That's scary.

Although she did leave out the part about you being a top.

Shit! We were supposed to pick up the tuxes half an hour ago.

If we don't get moving, we'll be walking down the aisle naked.

That could be fun.

Not everyone is as comfortable in their birthday suit as you are.

My birthday suit is putting me through art school.

Did you find out if Dennis is coming?

I didn't invite him.

We talked about this.

It would be weird.

You lived with the guy for five years. Not inviting him is weird.

Fine. I'll call him later.

Brian, the wedding's tomorrow. There is no later.

But we still have to pick up the tuxes, and...

Do it! That's an order!

I'll ask. But he won't come.

Tell him he can meet all my hot stripper friends at the reception.

Not helping.

Voice mail. I'll call him tonight.

You'll be at my bachelor party tonight.

Your fiancé isn't supposed to be at your bachelor party.

That's the whole point.

It's my party. I can bring a date if I want.

I don't think your stripper friends will want me there.

Seriously? They love you.

Come on, Chase. What are we going to talk about?

Where to get the best deals on day glow jock straps?

Hey, I find things to talk about with your friends.

Yeah, but my friends don't take off their..

Hey mom.

Yeah, we're home now.

But we're about to go pick up the tuxes.

Great! That's all I needed to know. Have fun!

Okay, I can fix this.

You keep Irene busy, and I'll deal with this lot.

But how am I going to do that?

Follow my lead.

Back away from the altar!

Do not attempt to exchange rings, and come out with your hands up!

Wow! You are certainly well organized.

Thank you

Rose and I think that you should try talking to Chase again.

We do?

I have been yelling at that boy for years and it hasn't changed a thing.

Yes, but as a good mother...

As a good mother, I will do whatever it takes to save my boy's soul.

Do you think the Lord is gonna forgive an insult like this?

Well, forgiving is sort of what he does. Right?

The boys are home right now, and Rose can take you over there.

I can?

Right! And you can meet Brian.

He's such a nice boy.

Brian! Now there's an idea!

If I can't talk sense into my boy, I'll have to talk some into yours.

What does that mean?

Don't worry. I've got something that will stop this so-called wedding.

Let's go!

Yeah, you and Rose run along!

I'll hold down the fort here.

Are you sure that you can stop all this?

Give me twenty minutes, and I'll have them marching in the next gay pride parade!

I sure hope so.

Are we doing this or what?

Nice work everybody!

I'm Mae! Irene asked me to run things while she's out.

Hi Mae!

Hi!

You have done such great work with these signs.

But I'm a little concerned about our message.

How so?

Well, like this sign than...

Dale

...Dale is making.

Beautiful penmanship, by the way!

Thank you!

But this quote from Leviticus.

The one that says to kill all the gay people?

Yeah, that one.

Don't you think it's a little clunky?

I mean, there are so many beautiful and simple things in the Bible.

Like, "Love thy neighbor'".

She's right!

It is way too long for a sign.

God hates faggots?

Much better!

Nice work Dale!

More signs everybody!

You're a great leader, Mae! More signs everybody!

You're a great leader, Mae!

Chase Hill!

You open this door right now!

We are gonna talk about this affront to the Lord that you have planned!

Maybe they're not home?

Oh, they are home!

You cannot avoid me young man!

Stop whatever profane sex acts you are engaged in and open this door!

Maybe we should let ourselves in.

You have a key?

Chase! You stop your fornicating right now and...

Chase!

Chase Hill

Too bad, they're not here.

This is their bedroom?

Yeah.

But where is all the chains, and the whips?

And black leather handcuffs and swings and stuff?

Brian's a teacher, not a dungeon master.

They let a man like that near children!

Yes.

That's Brian.

He doesn't look like a monster.

That's my nephew you're talking about!

Your nephew who is sodomizing my son!

How do you know it's not the other way around?

Well, at least he's got good taste in furniture. I'll give him that.

And he likes to keep his guns clean.

Oh, yeah.

Brian is all about cleaning his gun.

-Hello Rose? -Two Four Six eight! God wants you to Procreate!

No, I haven't got it sorted out yet.You're going o have to keep her busy a while longer.

Chase Huntington Hill! You get back to the house right now!

We are going to have a talk about what I'm finding in your bedroom!

I can't keep her here!

The boys will come home eventually.

--You're gonna have to think of something yourself! -Chanting Protestors

I've got my hands full here!

Nice work everybody! Why don't we take a break?

Thanks Mae! You're the best!

So I was just thinking about the Bible...

Good book!

Great book!

But you know how we don't follow every single instruction in it?

Of course we do!

It's God's word!

Well, take that quote from Leviticus.

The one that says to kill all the faggots?

We're all shouting out that verse.But we're forgetting the ones that are all around it.

Really? Like what?

Like that part that says we have to stone to death any woman who is not a virgin on her wedding night.

-That's in there? -Yes.

You know what this means?

Yes! We have to change the way we...!

God hates sluts!

More signs everybody!

Good job, Mae!

Stop moving!

You stuck me!

Stop moving and I wouldn't have to!

I appreciate the thought. But there is no way that you guys can finish two tuxes...

Brian! Never underestimate a drag queen with a hot glue gun.

They'll be done.

Pins!

Pins! Pins!

Thank you, Gregory.

Tomorrow, huh.

Who would have thought?

Yes. I never thought that you would wind up marrying a school teacher.

What's that supposed to mean?

It's just that you're so different from the guys Chase used to date.

I always thought you would end up with Alejandro.You two had fire.

Alehandro?

We dated for a month.

Or Yohanne. With those blue eyes!

Or Sergei!

You and Sergei were like two tigers!

Hey! Right here.

Sorry, Brian. Just a bit of nostalgia.

And we are so happy that you and Chase found each other.

Right?

Yeah. Chase dumped the exciting supermodel to marry the stuck up school teacher.

Yay!

I'm really feeling the love here.

Brian, you know that we adore you. Otherwise we wouldn't tease you so.

Yeah, we love you.

(Spanish muttering.)

It's just weird to see Chase with someone so different.

Meaning?

Meaning all his other boyfriends were hotter than you. Duh.

And wilder!

They were a tad less uptight

They were all fucking crazy.

So you have been a wonderful surprise, Brian.

And if you're happy, we're happy.

Right

Yeah. Sure. Thrilled.

I don't understand why you guys are even getting married. It's obsolete.

This should be good.

You do know that there's this thing called Grindr, right?

Sex anytime you want.

It's easier than ordering pizza.

And what do you know about Grindr? You're underage!

I turn 18 next month.

And until then I can window shop.

This one is going to be my birthday present.

You might want to pick something with training wheels first!

And Greg, the best part about sex is actually the pillow talk afterwards.

Bullshit. Talking is what I have friends for.

Oh. You have friends?

You're honestly telling me that you would rather have THAT

for the rest of your life

When you could be having all of THIS?

Yes.

Bullshit. I give this two years max.

What do you know? Two years ago you were in braces?

Funny

How long did you and Dennis last?

How do you know about Dennis?

I live next door to your mom, and she talks with the windows open.

It's not polite to eavesdrop, Gregory.

I can't help having ears.

What do you know about Dennis?

-Hey! --You never talk about him.

The kid knows more than I do!

Can't I just have a mysterious past?

No.

Spill.

Dennis dumped him for this hot blond trainer.

Who actually had a really nice butt...

Ow! What the fuck!

How clumsy of me!

You've been such a big help, Gregory.

But now you have to go.

Bye bye.

Have fun on Grindr. I'm sure it's going to be amazing.

Okay, let's talk about hats.

Yes! You see it?

Mae! Have you fixed things yet?

I'm working on it!

Work faster! Brian and Chase are bound to come home sometime.

And Lord knows what this woman will find if she keeps poking around.

I know there's a sex dungeon around here someplace

Then get her out of the house.

How am I supposed to do that?

Tell her the boys have gone to the florist.

You want me to lie!

It's for the greater good, Rose.

What florist should I take her to?

It doesn't matter! They won't be there!

Irene?

Mae says that Brian's at the florist.

And we can catch him if we leave right now.

Perfect. Give me five minutes with that boy and I'll put an end to all this nonsense.

Hey everybody!

Why don't we take a break and have some cookies.

Thanks Mae! You're the best!

I was thinking how the Bible is like my Uncle Jake.

How's that?

My family all loves Uncle Jake.

And sometimes he'll say something really profound.

But there are other times, like when

when he starts talking about Vietnamese hookers in the middle of Thanksgiving dinner

and someone has to tell him to shut up and pass the gravy.

Do you see what I mean?

-No -Not a clue.

I'm saying we can love the Bible.

And there are some good lessons we can take from it.

But there are times we need to tell the Bible to just pass the gravy!

Like when?

Like when it's talking about how great slavery is.

The Bible does that?

Yep.

Where?

Pretty much all the way through.

There's even a part that says how hard you're allowed to hit your slave with a stick.

How hard?

Pretty hard.

If the slave doesn't die within a day after the beating

Exodus says that God's okay with it!

--Really? --Yeah

You know what this means?

Yes! Since none of us want slavery...

God is on the side of the Confederacy!

I knew it!

God hates Yankees!

No! That's not the point!

New signs everybody!

Don't get too comfortable.

We've still got to go get the cake, and the extra chairs, and..

Who knew weddings were so complicated?

Everybody.

(Phone ringing)

Okay, who has been calling you all day?

Your mom?

Yeah.

And your mom started this.

Shouldn't you at least talk to her?

We talked.

Well, we yelled.

It's just like always. Well, we yelled.

It's just like always.

There must have been some time when you got along.

Sure. We used to be thick as thieves.

Right up until she found out who I really am.

I know it's hard,..

No you don't.

You got real fucking lucky with your family.

Yeah, but...

But nothing.

I had one person.

One person who made me feel safe.

Who was supposed to love me no matter what.

And then she didn't.

She's still family.

You're my family, now.

Mr... Davis-Hill?

Is that what it is?

Hill-Davis

Let's wrestle for it!

Afraid you'll lose?

No.

But I know how wrestling matches with you always end.

And...?

And then we won't have time to get the cake.

Or the extra chairs or everything else.

Yeah, rush rush rush.

You're the one who started this.

Yeah.

If I hadn't proposed first, would you have asked me?

Yes.

It might have taken longer, but I would have.

Longer like a couple months? A couple years?

I don't know.

Why? Does it matter?

What about this one that says we have to kill any child who curses his parents?

God hates mouthy teenagers!

And this part that says we can't sell land?

God hates real estate agents!

And this part that says the blind and deaf are not allowed in church?

New signs!

God hates the handicapped!

I cannot believe we missed them again.

Yeah.

I mean, that's bad luck.

We missed them at the florist

and the bakers, and the caterers.

It's almost like those boys were deliberately leading us on a wild goose chase.

I can see how it might seem that way.

What is it that you want to tell Brian?

I don't want to say.

It's too embarrassing.

But it would certainly put an end to all this crazy marriage talk.

At least we've got a plan B.

I'd better go back and rally the troops.

No!

You've had a long day.

I think you should stay and catch your breath.

Thank you, Rose.

You're a good friend.

I sure try to be.

Is this your husband?

No, that's Arthur. Mae's husband.

He passed a few years back.

I'm sorry to hear that.

And this is Brian?

Yes. The year he dressed up like a cowboy for Halloween.

He always was such a cute little fella.

Boys are great at that age.

So full of promise and wonder.

You have any kids, Rose?

No, I never got married.

Couldn't find a man you could stand?

Well, there was a boy I liked in high school.

But I was shy, and he married someone else.

And then all of a sudden I'm an old maid.

I'm sorry.

Oh, it all worked out well.

Brian's been a wonderful nephew.

And I like to think I had a hand in why he turned out so well.

He didn't turn out that well, Rose.

He's a sodomite

Hey!

Don't get your panties in a twist.

So is mine

We both screwed up.

Irene!

Did you ever consider...

for just one crazy moment

that maybe we didn't?

They're both nice boys.

And they make each other so happy!

You know what else makes people happy, Rose?

Crystal Meth!

It doesn't mean it's good for you!

It's not quite the same thing.

You think my boy is so great?

Yes.

Take a look at that.

It's what I've been trying to show your nephew all day.

Is this real?

Yep.

You think your Brian knows about this?

I don't think so.

Help me Obi-Rose Kenobi! You're my only hope!

Rose, we are so sorry to burst in unannounced, but it's an emergency.

Salsa! Fantasia!

What a great surprise!

Too bad you can't stay.

I know. It is so great to see us. And what are you wearing?

I'll call 911. Hello? This is a fashion emergency!

Rose?

Aren't you going to introduce me to your friends?

Of course.

Irene, this is Ms. Fantasia Extravaganza.

Fantasia, this is Mrs. Irene Hill.

Charmed.

And this is Miss Salsa Rojah. Mrs. Hill.

Yeah. Charmed.

So Rose, we were on our way to the party...

And I broke the strap on my stupid knock offs!

$29.95. You'd think that they could glue on a little piece of plastic!

And my shoes are too large for her.

And I remembered that you have those sexy gogo boots!

And how do you know each other?

These ladies are part of my church group.

We meet every Sunday morning. Right?

-I guess -If you count Denny's after the bar.

And what church is that?

I would love to stay and help you with these...

"outfits"?

But we have to get to the party. Please Rose! Those sexy gogo boots!

I don't know what you're talking about! I don't have anything like...

Of course you do! Let's go to your closet...

No!

I'll get them.

You all just stay right here.

I don't know.

Those certainly are interesting outfits you have on.

Thank you!

And I love your...

Your....

Your very natural hair color.

Yes

Thank you

So you ladies are going to a party tonight?

No. We are throwing a party tonight.

The biggest fiesta this little town has ever seen!

We rented out all of club Michael!

There are going to be dancing boys, and pinatas.

And foam spraying out of a giant...

I told you not to get that!

It will be fun!

It will be memorable. I'll give you that.

It's the bachelor party for our friend Chase.

Chase? Chase Hill?

You know him?

I am his mother!

The mother!

It is so nice to meet you!

So you're coming to the wedding?

Oh, I will be there.

Chase will love that!

I will be there to stop him from defiling the holy sacrament of marriage.

Listen, grandma.

Chase is my little pequito.

And if you do anything to fuck up his big day I will..

(rapid Spanish)

What my protogé was trying to say is that we would love to have you at the wedding.

However. Comma.

I'd leave that antiquated homophobic bullshit at the door.

If you think that I am going to let you and your degenerate friends...

...use my son to defile the holy sacrament of...

Have you even met his fiancé?

Check your tone when you're talking to me.

You tarted up whore in a cheap dress!

Cheap?

Cheap

I see.

Salsa.

Yes, Fantasia

Hold my fan.

I think these are the ones you mean.

What the hell?

Twenty bucks says that Fantasia knocks her out in one punch!

No!

Come on! I'll give you two to one odds!

I'm so sorry that you have to leave. But I know that you have a busy social life.

No! I want to stay and watch Fantasia knock the..

Maybe next time.

Rose, is there something you want to tell me?

No.

Then I will ask.

Do you perhaps have some friends who are...

...women of loose morals?

Maybe.

But so did Jesus.

You got me there.

Irene, I think we need to talk about Brian and Chase.

We do not have time.

I just found out where that nephew of yours will be tonight!

Mae! Please tell me you've fixed things!

God hate's bankers! I knew it!

I'm working on it!

And people with tattoos!

God hates people with tattoos.

And masturbators!

What?

It says right here. God hates masturbators!

Really?

Yeah.

Why are you so concerned about that, Dale?

No reason.

Because it's not like I've ever...

I mean, no one here has ever...?

Not even once?

More signs!

God hates masturbators!

Chase and Brian!

There you are!

Yes. We are here.

So these are your...

Yes. When you invite my hot stripper friends to a party, this is what happens.

You like?

Garçon Model. Our underwear sponsor.

Our bachelor party has an underwear sponsor?

Open bars don't pay for themselves.

Particularly if this one is drinking.

Brian!

I'm having so much fun!

Shelly?

I'm sorry! That hot bartender offered her a "screaming orgasm"...

And she has been downing them like water!

These things are the best!

Look! I'm having multiple orgasms!

Give me those!

Francine, Carter. You're here, too?

Yes. I thought that you'd like to have some of your boring school teacher friends here.

So that you can all ready books, while the rest of us have fun.

So this is what a gay bachelor party is like.

Interesting.

I know. Have you seen the guys at this party?

Brian, you have to get married more often.

Congratulations Brian. Chase.

Wait. YOU'RE Chase?

Shelly, I've told you about him a million times.

Yeah. But you didn't mention that he's GORGEOUS!

Shelly!

I just want a peak!

Pleased to meet you?

Brian, how did YOU land a guy like THIS?

Teach me your secret!

This is the place!

I don't think this is a good idea

Sorry, ladies. Bachelor party tonight.

I am the mother of one of those sodomites, and I am going in.

So move!

Well, when you put it that way...

Put me down you big baboon!

This is my car.

Thanks for your trouble.

You'd better run, you disrespectful heathen!

That's it!

We tried.

Let's go home.

No, no, no!

Irene? Are you okay?

Of course I'm not okay! My son is going to hell!

Chase is supposed to be marrying a woman who can love him and give him a family.

Not having satanic orgies with transvestites and handcuffs, and...

homosexual hamsters!

Irene, is it possible that you don't know as much about gay people as you think you do?

Oh, I know Rose!

I watch The 700 Club!

And now I'm gonna lose my sweet little boy forever!

Tomorrow he walks into a church.

Spits in God's face.

And promises to spend the rest of his life being used and abused by that deviant nephew of yours.

Hey!

You don't get to talk about Brian that way!

Well he is!

A card carrying sado-masochist homosexual pervert!

And we both know why he got a job as a high school teacher!

You know what?

We're going to that bachelor party!

But Rose, they won't let us in!

Oh, they'll let us in.

Hang on to your knickers, sister!

Lady Von Strappon.

And this is my friend, Heidi.

Heidi Sausage

Well?

Well, they're drinking!

Yep

And those boys are in their underwear!

Yay!

And... well...

Oh, heck. I've seen more skin at a Miss America pageant.

Where's all the gay stuff?

The whips? The chains?

The goats!

Goats?

You know what they do with those goats, Rose!

Lady von Strappon, good to see you!

Irene, I really think that...

Alexis! Darling!

Love the shoes!

So... Alexis.

Do you want to tell me why everyone...

...in this den of iniquity seems to know you?

I should have come clean in the first place.

The truth is...

...I'm not really Rose Jackson!

No?

No!

I am the Lady Alexis von Strappon der Kinky Boots!

And I am a proud female impersonator impersonator.

What does that mean?

It means I'm a drag queen trapped in a woman's body.

What?

Well it isn't fair!

Drag queens get to wear all those amazing dresses...

and fabulous shoe! And way too much makeup.

And they can say the most scandalous things.

And everyone just thinks it's funny!

Watch this!

Yo! Sweet cheeks!

The zoo called.

They want their anaconda back.

Yeah?

Yeah. And I am an expert snake handler.

Okay!

You see what I mean!

Rose could never say anything like that!

But Alexis can get away with anything!

So you're friends with all these sodomites?

You betcha!

So you didn't want to stop the wedding.

Nope!

You've been leading me on a wild goose chase all day!

You bet your sweet keyster!

I thought you were my friend!

And I want to be your friend, Irene.

But only if you can be friend with the real me.

Because Rose, she might let some of your more colorful statements slide.

But Alexis?

She's going to order a double martini and then call you out on all your stupid bullshit!

You know what, Alexis?

I don't need any female impersonator impersonators as my friend!

So you can take your tacky outfits

and your freaky friends

and you can shove it!

Oh yeah?

Yeah!

Where are those gay goats!

Man, that is not the way that I pictured your boyfriend.

Okay, Carter. I'll bite.

What did you think Chase was going to look like?

Just not... that.

Please! Just one little dance!

I want to dance with my boyfriend.

While he's still single.

Come on Shelly, let's get you some water.

Having fun?

Guess who?

No, I'm terrible at this game.

I'll give you a hint.

Anthony?

What's up, baby!

Good to see you, sexy!

How are you, stud?

I'm good, man. How about you?

Is this Brian? Congrats man!

Anthony got me my first gogo dancing job.

No, this cute little butt got you the job.

I just made the introduction.

Your boyfriend is a stripper?

Gogo dancer. To pay for school.

Your boyfriend is a stripper!

I actually got him fired from his previous job.

They couldn't figure out how it took me two hours to deliver one pizza.

It was their fault for putting you in that cute little uniform.

I think it was your fault for peeling me out of it.

Yeah, funny story.

Hey Blake!

Phillip!

Hey guys!

Brian! Good to see you!

Glad you're finally making an honest man out of this one!

There was this one time when I couldn't make rent...

...and they let me crash on their couch for a whole month!

Please. He was on the couch for all of five minutes before he crawled into bed with us.

I was cold!

It was July.

Another fun stroll down memory lane!

-Chase! -Alex

So good to see you!

And you must be Brian! Hi!

Alex got me into art school.

Really?

No. I just asked Chase to be a model for one of my projects.

Nude model?

How did you know that?

He's psychic.

Oh my God! So cool! So fun!

So there I am sketching him.

And this one keeps interrupting.

Well, your composition was like...

So finally I said, "If you can do better, do better!"

And I said "Take your clothes off, and we'll find out."

And I did. And you can imagine where that went.

So I was lying there looking at the sketch he did of me.

And it was so real!

Yeah, funny story.

Chase, you got a second, honey?

So what did it look like?

Chase, how many guys at this party have you slept with?

I don't know. Most of them?

Most of them? There's over a hundred guys out there!

I guess.

But you know how it is. We were all strippers and barbacks.

And you slept with all of them?

Brian, you knew that I slept with other guys before you.

Yeah, other guys like four or five. I didn't think you were into triple digits.

Four or five?

Okay, seriously. What's the big deal?

We were safe. We're all still friends.

Yeah, that's the problem.

All your hot stripper friends are your hot stripper exes!

Brian, come on!

You must have sewn some wild oats before you met me.

Well, there was Dennis.

Yeah, but before Dennis there must have been...

Dennis and I are the only two guys you've ever slept with?

Wow! Seriously?

How is that even possible?

Was he in a coma or something?

Jeez. Even I've slept with more men than that.

Does that make me slutty?

How is the fact that I don't sleep around a bad thing?

The fact that Dennis is the only other guy you've slept with?

Dennis who you will never fucking talk about.

You don't understand why that freaks me out?

No! Because you've only got to worry about one guy.

While I've got to worry about all of...

So I should worry about Dennis.

Okay! Okay! Enough!

No fighting before the wedding.

Your man needs more experience. We can help.

He's fair game till tomorrow, right?

Is it okay if he's walking a little funny when you get him back?

What time do you need him home by?

Flesh pit!

I can't take this!

Brian!

You don't seem to be enjoying your party.

What?

You are the guest of honor, aren't you?

No. That's my fiance. Those are all of his...

...friends.

Chase always was popular.

Speaking of which.

There's a thing or two you oughta know about that boy.

What? You've slept with him, too?

What? Of course not!

Then you're the only guy at this party who hasn't.

There's a hundred guys in there!

I know.

How is that possible?

I don't know.

A different guy every weekend. 52 weeks in a year.

I did not ask for a math lesson!

It's like Chase and his friends have sex the way most people shake hands.

I'm sure his mother did not raise him to be that way!

According to Chase she didn't raise him at all.

She kicked him out when she found out he was gay.

Hey! Don't believe everything that boy says.

There are two sides to every story.

What about you?

How many men have you...

..."done it" with?

Two?

In your whole life?

Are you sure you're a homosexual?

I like dick! I'm just particular about who it's attached to!

Language!

At least you found out before you married him.

I hope you can get a refund on that cake.

It's not that simple.

Chase and I are at that point. You know?

When we either need to jump in with both feet, or walk away.

Boy, that is a lousy reason to get married.

Hey Rose.

Taking a breather?

Are you okay?

You look kind of...

Brian's being weird.

Weird? How?

Tell me about Dennis.

Chase, you don't want to go back there.

Rose, I am freaking out. So spill!

Dennis dumped Brian for some bleach blond home wrecker from the gym.

No, I mean before that.

Were they happy?

Yeah.

How happy?

You know. Happy.

They were always joking around.

And Brian would get that big old goofy grin on his face.

You know the one where he...

Yeah, I know the grin.

But I thought it was just for me.

Oh, baby.

Do you ever feel like Brian just needs to be in a relationship?

Doesn't everybody?

No. Not me.

I was fine before I met Brian.

I had friends. We had fun.

I didn't need anybody.

Not like this.

But that's a good thing. Right?

It doesn't always feel that way.

I thought we were sharing something special.

Oh, you're "special" all right.

So tell him it's off.

I always figured there was a guy, or two, before me.

But not an entire football team. Or two.

So go break up with him already!

The thing is... whenever I try to imagine my life without Chase...

You'll get over him!

I don't think I will.

Don't be melodramatic!

It's not like you're in love with him!

Yes I am.

No, you're not.

There is a world of difference between being in love, and...

not wanting to be alone.

You like playing house.

You like the kinky unnatural sex acts.

But that is not love.

And how would you know?

Brian, I have not always been an old... transvestite.

Chase...

I don't know how to ask this.

Your mother showed me a picture.

Actually, it was more of a mug shot

I am never going to speak to that woman again.

Then it's true?

Don't look at me that way.

Oh, Chase. How could you?

Let's see.

My mom had just kicked me out of the house.

I was sixteen.

I didn't have a job. I didn't have a place to stay.

I didn't have anything.

But this.

Does Brian know?

Are you kidding? Brian's freaking out that I slept with guys for free.

What do you think he'll do when he finds out that I used to get paid for it?

Don't you think you should tell him?

Why? It has nothing to do with him.

That's not the point.

I knew that Chase likes sex.

Yeah.

I mean, he REALLY likes sex.

I get the point.

The other day I came home and h was just standing there naked...

I get the picture!

So how am I supposed to keep a guy like that happy?

How long until he get's bored with me and starts...

Six months tops.

You're cheery.

I've been married.

My man, Earl.

The number of times he came home drunk as a skunk and smelling of cheep perfume...

So why did you stay with him?

Because we were married.

That's the point.

When they make you say "For better or for worse".

They mean "for worse".

That's dark.

That's marriage!

You kids. Some fancy pants supreme court judge says you can get married...

...and you think it's going to be all puppy dogs and rainbows.

I didn't think it would be...

Marriage is not about the good times.

It's about the bad times.

It's about every stupid argument and humiliation...

and hookers named Suzanne who think they're being clever

by hanging up the phone every time you answer!

Marriage. REAL marriage.

Isn't about finding somebody you like.

Or somebody who makes you happy.

It's about finding that one person

That you just can't live without.

And then promising to fight it out with him rather than kicking hi lying ass to the curb!

You're right.

Of course I'm right. If there's one thing I know...

Wait! What am I right about?

What are you going to do?

Hey.

Hey.

So we're having a fight?

Yep.

This one feels different.

Yeah.

So the thing with Dennis...

-You're still in love with him. -No.

But I was.

And things were good.

And then he started to get bored with me.

And he started meeting guys on Grindr.

I'm not Dennis

No. But come on Chase.

How long are you going to be happy with this when you're used to having all of that?

God! Brian, you make such a big deal about sex!

Because it is!

No. It's not.

Not compared to the things that matter.

Like how I can be having the worst day.

And you'll know how to make me smile.

Or that goofy grin on your face.

Or waking up in your arms

And feeling like everything is going to be okay.

But what happens in a year or two when things star to...

Then we'll learn tantric yoga.

Or we'll dress up like gladiators.

Or we invite Anthony over for a three way.

I'd be down for that.

Yeah, it was hypothetical.

I'm just saying, I'd be down for that.

The point is

We'll figure something out.

Together

Because I'm not going anywhere.

No?

No.

But...

There is this...

...one thing you need to know about me.

Something about your past?

Yeah.

Is it bad?

Well, you're sure not going to like it.

See, I um....

I used to...

Don't worry about it.

You don't know what I'm going to say.

I don't need to.

Brian...

Chase, I'm in.

For all of it.

For every crazy thing about your past.

For every stupid fight that we're going to have over the next fifty years.

I want it all.

So whatever this is...

Wait until you're ready to tell me.

Because I'm not going anywhere either.

You're sure.

Like I've never been about anything in my life.

Stop! We're not done yet!

No! You can't be in love!

It doesn't work that way!

Okay buddy, I think you've had enough.

No! You let me go you big ox!

I have to stop them! Chase!

So we're good?

We're better than good.

-But there is this... -But?

Yeah, there's just one thing I need you to change.

Name it.

You gotta stop looking down on my friends.

What? I don't...

You do.

It's just they're...

Yeah. And so am I?

You're different.

The difference is that you've actually talked to me.

You've never given them a chance.

These guys really mean that much to you?

Brian, those guys have had my back through some insane shit.

Yeah, but.

No buts!

You've got your mom and your aunt.

Well those gogo boys and drag queens

They're the ones that took care of me.

When I didn't have anybody else.

That's the family I've got.

Brian, what are you doing?

Proving I can be part of the family.

Oh no you don'!

You're doing great, babe. Follow me.

Don't forget about our sponsor!

Brian! Brian! Brian!

Take it all off!

Take it off! Take it off!

When are we going to have another chance?

Bachelor Party! Bachelor Party!

And you call me a trouble maker?

At least we'll never be bored.

You still think he should have ended up with Yohanne?

All right. Boring school teacher is growing on me.

It's just...

He's not going to need us so much anymore.

He's got someone else to look after him now.

Yeah.

Goodbye, my little pepito.

Let me out you stupid jackasses!

I am not supposed to be in here!

Relax. None of us is supposed to be in here.

If there was any justice, they'd be arresting the Johns. Not us.

I am not a....

Never mind.

You want some gum?

Does it look like the biggest problem I'm having right now is a lack of gum?

Sheesh!

Wait.

Thank you.

I'm Tiffany. And this is Chantal.

Irene.

What?

It's just not the most commercial name.

But you're in one of those weird specialty markets, right?

When are you going to let me out of here!

Relax, Grandma. You'll feel better after you've had something to eat.

Yeah, when are we going to get some breakfast in here!

I hope it's pancakes this time!

I do not have time for pancakes!

In an hour I lose my son forever!

Oh my God! I'm so sorry

What's wrong with him?

He's getting married.

I take it you don't like his fiancé?

I should say not.

Meth head?

No!

Heroine?

No

Booze? Oxy? Scientology?

No! He's a high school English teacher!

Wow. You must really hate teachers.

That is not the point.

He is a man!

My son is marrying a homosexual!

Doesn't that make your son a homosexual, too?

He just thinks he is!

So, your gay son is marrying a sober guy with a good job.

And you're pissed off about it?

Of course I am!

That's the crazies bullshit that I've ever heard!

I would not expect a street walker to understand.

Hey! You think I picked this life?

I'm sure your parents didn't raise you to be a whore.

No. They were good Christians who threw me out when they found out I like guys.

That's why I'm on the streets.

Well I am sure...

They probably...

I'm sure they...

I'm sure they regret it.

You know what?

I can fix this.

You love your son, right?

Of course I do.

And you actually kind of like his boyfriend.

As sodomites go, he seems nice enough.

And the whole problem is that this books says that they shouldn't be together.

That book is the holy Bible! And it is pretty clear on the subject.

And you've got to believer everything in here, no matter how crazy?

That's why they call it faith.

Okay then.

God

loves

faggots.

Problem solved.

What did you do!?

It's in the Bible. You have to believe it now.

Book of Chantal. Chapter one. Verse one.

God loves faggots.

Hallelujah!

Halle-fucking-lujah!

That doesn't count!

The words aren't burning off the page.

Looks like you're stuck with them.

You just wrote that!

So when a bunch of dead Babylonians write that God hates your son, you believe them?

But when I write God loves him

That's too freaking incredible for you?

Those men were inspired by God!

And how do you know I'm not?

Hey! No touching!

All right Dame Edna.

If you've sobered up, you're free to go.

Is something wrong, Mae?

Well....

Because I thought you took care of that "thing".

I tried.

What does that mean?

What are you two talking about?

God hates you! God hates you!

'Cause you're a faggot or a yankee or a jew jew jew.

--God hates you! God hates you! -What the hell?

And he hates your filthy masturbating, too!

Stop!

What are you people doing?

Irene! Where have you been?

"God hates you?"

Yeah, but only if you're a faggot.

Or a yankee.

Or a slut.

Or a masturbator.

-Or a banker -Or a real estate agent

-Or Catholic -Or castrated.

-Or blind -Or deaf

-Or disfigured -Or tattooed.

-Oh have long hair -Or born out of wedlock

-Or a woman teacher -Or a foul mouthed child.

Or a slave owner who beats his slaves too death too quickly.

Stop! Just stop!

But why? We're just doing what the Bible says?

It also says "Love thy neighbor!"

Does any of this look like that to you?

Hold still baby.

Did you get any in your eye?

Mom?

I can't believe you're here.

Well, I just wanted to...

I kind of had to...

I'm glad you came.

And this must be Brian.

I think we've met.

Not officially. I'm Chase's mother.

Are you really sure about this?

Yeah mom.

I love him something awful.

Well, I wanted to...

I have to...

You take care of my boy.

Don't you people have somewhere to be?

It's Sunday! For God's sake get to church!

But Irene...

I said "git!"

You know, I think it's high time those boys gave us some grandchildren!

I wouldn't mind having some nieces and nephews running around.

I'll help baby sit!

I always did like the sound of "Auntie Fantasia".

Not that we would meddle with their lives or anything.

Of course not.

Even if it's for their own good.

So.

What do you ladies have in mind?

(Excited chatter)