Original subtitles

This is where Sarah Jane Smith lives.

And it's home to things way beyond your imagination.

There's an extra-terrestrial super computer in the wall,

a genetically engineered boy genius in the attic,

a schoolgirl investigator across the road,

and a whole universe of adventure right here on the doorstep.

Ready?

Always.

I don't know how you do that.

You've either got it, or you haven't Lukey-boy.

You see, art isn't something you can learn.

Surely it's a matter of bio-mechanical transference of what the eye sees to paper? Geometry.

You see, there's your problem, you work up here, you're all science

and logic and Spocky stuff like that,

but you can't break art down into maths.

Everything comes down to maths. See, not art. Art is in the soul.

You don't think it..

you feel it.

Morning 11T.

Someone's in trouble.

That's Dad's serious face.

Yeah, like he's got any other sort.

All right, you lot, settle down.

If I may, Mrs Taylor?

I have an important announcement to make.

Told you.

Concerning you, Clyde Langer.

Me?

Oh, what have I done now?

Ah, no, no, don't tell me... I turned up.

All I have to do to get some teacher's back up.

You aren't in trouble, Clyde. For once, quite the opposite.

I've just had an e-mail, from a Mr Harding,

Curator of the International Gallery. Who?

At last!

Indeed, Mr Harding.

I never thought I would see the day when she came into my care.

So, so beautiful.

No-one else could have achieved this.

The years of dedicated planning.

No-one would have been man enough.

We got there in the end, Miss Trupp.

After all our tribulations.

Yours. I only assisted.

True, true. You did.

And here she is...

..the Mona Lisa!

Tomorrow morning, this entire class will be the first members

of the public to see the Mona Lisa here in the UK.

And all thanks to Clyde.

You won first prize!

THEY CHEER

You won!

Wait, wait, wait, wait, as much as I appreciate the adulation

and missing double maths tomorrow - there's been a mistake.

I never put my work into any competition. Someone did.

Well, I wonder who?

They were looking for a promising young artist.

And you really are good. Brilliant.

I knew you wouldn't enter.

Well, it's not good for the image is it, some nerdy competition.

I've gotta text Mum.

How many times? No mobiles in the classroom.

Or at the gallery tomorrow.

Their rules, not mine.

You're not annoyed with me, are you?

Are you serious?

It's the Mona Lisa!

We should press on.

Yes.

Oh, tomorrow will be such a day for me!

Mum? You won't believe what's happened.

Mum? I'm in your room.

Look at the state of this place.

Yeah, I know, but... I thought I told you to tidy it.

I will. Just listen. When?

Oh, I hate to think how long all these cups have been here. Ugh.

OK.

No, it isn't. And you can forget any other plans you had for this evening

because you're blitzing this place. Don't think K9's zapping it.

He's out of bounds till it's done. I am so disappointed in you.

I don't know what you want from me.

You try to give me a normal life, but when I act like

a real teenager you want me to be perfect, the way the Bane made me.

I'm sorry you feel like that.

So am I.

Hand in your mobile phones at reception and no running.

No running! We're here as honoured guests, not like some hormonal SAS.

Oh, what's the use?

Ah freebies!

No, I'll pass, thanks.

Your loss. Anyway, what did Sarah Jane say

about me winning this prize?

Nothing. We're not really talking.

She's being such a mum.

Yeah, well, it's probably best she doesn't know.

Careful, Clyde. Even star pupils need to watch where they're going.

Sir. So, how're you feeling? Erm, nervous?

Weirded out. I mean teachers are never this friendly.

You see, diligence has its rewards.

Perhaps now you'll put the same enthusiasm

into your other school work.

Mr Chandra? Park Vale? Yes.

Mr Harding will receive you upstairs. Great.

Come this way.

OK, everyone follow me.

It's very exciting. I'm very excited, as well.

Actually much, much smaller than you'd imagine. Really?

It's very surprising because you always...

What d'you reckon, Luke? Who's got the more enigmatic smile,

me or Lisa?

I really don't understand, why is the Mona Lisa so special?

It's just brown.

Maybe when you see the real thing, you'll understand.

I don't really get art. Careful, it's an art gallery,

you're not supposed to pick it up either, OK.

You look, you don't touch.

But this isn't art... it's something else.

Clyde.

This is Mr Harding. Curator of the gallery. Clyde Langer.

We're really proud of him. Congratulations, Clyde.

You're very talented. Such a handsome boy.

Oh. This is my assistant, Miss Trupp.

Now... You really are so gifted, Clyde.

Cheers. When I saw your picture, I knew you'd win.

It wasn't up to me, but if it had been you'd definitely have won.

Well, you did! So... it's all turned out for the best.

Miss Trupp, perhaps you should go and check the final preparations.

Oh. Yes.

Big day for all of us.

Clyde, follow me.

Your masterpiece awaits.

Come along, chop-chop, this place should be clear by now.

Do you know how lucky you are?

Lionel worships you.

If only he looked at me with the same eyes.

Oh, quit your moaning, love...

do us all a favour.

Who said that?

You can hear me?

Well, now there's a first.

So let's try this for another.

SHE SCREAMS

SHE LAUGHS

And here we are. In pride of place.

No way.

Is something wrong?

It's just...

..my work in a proper gallery.

We told you, Clyde, it's brilliant.

CHEERING AND CHANTING

Shut up! Agreed. Some order, please.

Mrs Taylor.

Apart from the obvious artistic flair,

your imagination is so impressive.

The detail in the weaponry!

I don't know where you get your inspiration.

Please.

They're Sontaran blasters, aren't they?

Well, spotted. That's why you didn't want Mum to know.

Yeah, oh, and don't tell her I've been drawing K9, either.

You know, I always used to play this sort of stuff down.

I thought people'd laugh at me.

You mean you thought drawing wasn't cool. Something like that.

Well, it is cool and believe me no-one's laughing.

When I was younger, no brothers or sisters...

I used to draw, for company.

But maybe I could really do something with this.

And so to the prize.

Prepare to meet the Mona Lisa!

The Mona Lisa, a painting begun by Leonardo da Vinci in 1503

in Florence, but finished only shortly before he died in 1519.

For over 500 years the Mona Lisa's beauty has remained undimmed.

She has been gazed upon by millions in her Paris home,

now, she is here.

Feast your eyes, and lose your hearts...

I give you...

the Mona Lisa!

She has let herself go.

Isn't that his assistant?

Security.

The Mona Lisa has been stolen.

Excuse me, Sarah Jane, I am detecting unusual brain

pattern activity and your ability to concentrate appears compromised.

Are you unwell? No. I'm fine, Mr Smith.

It's Luke. But Luke has perfect health.

That is how he was made by the Bane.

Yes, I know. The perfect human being.

But nothing stays perfect for ever, does it? I am sorry.

I'm not sure that I understand.

Luke isn't ill. He's growing up.

I believe it is a normal part of breeding patterns in most species.

Yes, I know.

And I've tried so hard to make Luke's life as normal as possible.

In a way it helped make mine a little more normal, too.

Before I met Luke, who was I?

A lonely, frosty woman in the big house

who knew more about creatures from outer-space than she did humans.

I have always considered the intricacy of human

nature excessively complicated in comparison to most other life forms.

You and me both, old friend.

And being a mum is just about as complicated as it gets.

Most parents have years to get used to it. I'm still finding my feet

and already I'm realising that one day it's going to be over.

One day Luke will be gone.

One day, perhaps, very soon.

I told them security had to be improved here.

I told them, after that Cup of Athelstan fiasco at Easter.

Oh, my beautiful Mona Lisa!

The French will have my head!

If you could all stay calm as we move out

and let the police do their job.

There's something freaky about this.

Just because something shady happens doesn't mean

there are aliens behind it.

When my bike got nicked,

did you think that was ET the ASBO, cycling home?

Did I mention aliens? Rani's right.

Why would they put a picture of Miss Trupp in the Mona Lisa's place?

Maybe she's behind it all.

Maybe it's her calling card? "The Truppmeistress has struck!"

Even if this isn't alien, it's weird enough for Sarah Jane.

We should call her. No. We don't need her. We can...

do this ourselves.

OK, then.

But first we need to lose my dad.

Have you seen Jonathan, no? Are you sure?

Excuse me, Mr Chandra.

Yes, what is it, Luke? I need the toilet.

Me too, sir, I'm busting.

And me. OK. But be quick.

Sir. And then straight to the coach. Nice one, Luke.

What? Good cover story.

No, I really need the loo.

Oh, well, like Dad says...be quick!

I am picking up news reports from the International Gallery.

The Mona Lisa has been stolen.

The Mona Lisa? I don't believe it.

The security at the International Gallery was supposed to be massive.

So the reports suggest.

All the same, if it hasn't been taken by inter-galactic art thieves,

it's not really my thing.

Or are you trying to distract me, Mr Smith?

I simply thought the news report would be of interest.

OK. Show me.

It's understood that the theft was discovered

as the Mona Lisa was about to be unveiled for a party of students

from Park Vale Comprehensive in Ealing.

What? Park Vale pupil, Clyde Langer

won first prize in the gallery's Artists of the Future competition.

This is Lizo Mzimba reporting from the International Gallery.

Then Luke must have been there too.

He never said anything.

Not a word.

Police!

We'll never get past them. There has to be another way in.

We need a map. Like this one?

You see, you never turn down a freebie, Luke.

Luke's not answering.

The gallery prohibits the use of mobile telephones.

But I have info from the Metropolitan Police

computer system that you may find of interest.

What exactly am I looking at?

This is a Crime Scene photograph of the Mona Lisa.

Mr Smith, that isn't the Mona Lisa.

My infra-red analysis confirms the brush-stroke patterns

of Leonardo da Vinci. This is the Mona Lisa.

But it can't be. Who is that woman?

Phyllis Trupp, personal assistant to the gallery's curator.

Her most detailed personal profile can be found on Peapodsoulmates.com

where she lists her interests as "salsa dancing."

She says she is open minded and willing to try...

Thank you, Mr Smith. What's happened to her?

I can only surmise molecular trans-placement.

She is still alive and conscious...

but trapped in the canvas of a 500 year old painting.

What could have caused this? Insufficient data.

So this isn't anything like a straight-forward art theft, is it?

It would seem not.

Which means, the other question is, if that's Phyllis Trupp...

where on earth is the Mona Lisa?

This place is like a maze!

Or like finding your way through Level Four

of Alien Devastation Three.

I thought you said you could find your way with that map?

Men and maps! Hey!

I can read a map. I was in the cubs...

well until they kicked me out. But you don't want to hear about that.

Clyde. Yes, I know my picture would look great in your lounge.

Just get your dad to make me an offer.

I don't want your painting, Clyde.

I want to know what happened to the gun that was in it. Galaxia's gun!

Whose?

OK, so I gave them names. Can we move on now? What matters is...

What are you doing here?

The police are conducting an investigation.

they don't need a bunch of schoolchildren

roaming around, disturbing evidence.

Well, it isn't just your Mona Lisa that's been stolen now, is it?

One of the guns in Clyde's painting has vanished. Look.

It's dry.

The gun wasn't painted out, Mr Harding. It was taken.

Whatever we're dealing with it's more than just an art thief.

Oh, you better believe it, sugar. She's got my gun!

She went to the toilet and that's the last I saw of her.

No, Gita, the police won't let me back in. No, I can't ring her.

No phones allowed inside. Look, I'll call you back.

Haresh, hello. Sarah Jane. I suppose you know about the Mona Lisa?

Of course. The crime of the century and story of the year.

Where's Luke? The thing is they've closed the gallery

and Luke, Rani and Clyde are still inside so...

Why don't you look after the rest of the kids,

and I'll see what I can do.

In my line of work you get a knack for opening closed doors.

You sure? Mmm. Thank you.

Mrs Taylor, kids, come on. Quickly. Move. Phones away. Are you chewing?

Put your phones away please.

Thank you. OK. Come on.

Who are you?

And I thought you were supposed to be an art expert!

I am the Mona Lisa.

No, but really? Yeah, really.

You can't fake this kinda class.

You can't be the Mona Lisa,

you have to be some sort of alien manifestation.

Whoooh. And why's that, then?

Because, on Earth, women in paintings

don't just jump out of their frames.

And nick guns from someone's painting.

Do you know how long that took me to paint?

SHE SHIVERS

Not bad. Not in my league, of course.

But then Leo was a bit of a ledge even back then.

Although he had to blag the oils off his weirdo neighbour to paint me.

OK. Say that's true. Now you're out of your frame, what is it you want?

I've just had five centuries hanging on a wall, sugar.

What is it you think I want?

It's time I had a bit of fun.

And I think I'll start with some target practice. Run for it!

So it's just you and me now, Harders.

Sonic Scarlet,

my favourite shade.

Oh, boy. That's it... now I have seen everything.

We so have to get hold of Sarah Jane. And I mean now.

No. What's got in to you?

Why are you being so weird about your mum?

Luke and Sarah Jane have had a barney....Rani.

Never mind that. Where is everyone?

On the coach. My dad'll be going mental by now.

What about the police. Forensics should be

crawling all over this place.

Something's wrong.

It is.

So very, very wrong.

A whole new kind of wrong.

Mia Bella!

Is it...

is it really you?

Oh, go on then, touch me.

I know you want to.

I've seen the way you look at me.

I remember when you came to the Louvre. The Louvre?

Actually, every time you came.

Twenty seconds, that's all anyone gets to see me

and then, move along s'il vous plait.

You always put up quite a struggle.

It's a shame they had to ban you in the end.

It is you!

It really is you!

And you are going to have to get used to that

because we've got a lot of work to do.

I don't understand.

We have to find my brother.

Definite traces of alien energy.

Two of them.

He's here somewhere...

I know he is.

But there's nothing to suggest in any academic work

that you had a brother.

Not had, Harders, have.

And he's here somewhere amongst this tat just waiting for me.

You mean another painting.

Yes, I can see how you got the job here, Harders.

And that's why I need you.

You know every brush stroke in this place.

Well, what does he look like, your brother?

I've never seen him so I haven't got a clue.

But he'll have been painted around the same time as me,

the same place as me.

Next door, in fact. I've got it!

Follow me!

Oh, it's locked. We have to find a phone.

I don't care what you say, Luke,

what's happened to those people is beyond freaky.

We're calling your mum.

I don't think there's any need.

Her car's here.

Residual alien energy.

But if this is, or was, a painting by Leonardo,

how is that possible?

Do you know, Phyllis?

I know you can hear me, even though you can't answer.

I promise you, I'm going to get you out of there.

If he was painted at the same time as you, his has to be him.

Has to be.

Not only a contemporary of Leonardo, but a neighbour in Florence.

Him? He's not much of a looker, is he? Giuseppe Di Cattivo.

1450 to 1518, whose work is often compared to his more

famous contemporary Hieronymus Bosch.

Poor Giuseppe

he died in a lunatic asylum.

No... no, this isn't him. But...

Come out, come out, whoever you are!

I can hear you breathing!

Who would've thought a painting would have such good hearing,

Mona Lisa? But then Leonardo was such a stickler for detail.

On the subject of detail...

mind filling in the obvious blank?

My name is Sarah Jane Smith. And that is a Sontaran blaster,

do you mind telling me where you got it?

Oooh, I just took it from the painting

that lad Clyde did, cos I thought it looked a little bit flash.

Oh, Clyde. You'd better not have harmed him or his friends!

Oh, no, don't concern yourself. They're perfectly safe.

I'm Lionel Harding curator of the museum.

Mr Harding, whatever is happening here, don't worry. I can help you.

Thank you, I'm not sure I need it.

Ah, you see Harders here, he's my number one fan.

Listen to me, she is dangerous. Look what she did to Miss Trupp.

Now you don't want to worry about that old trout do you Harders?

I mean, you never did before, did you?

And, let's face it, she never was an oil painting.

At least not till now!

Release her. Now!

Oooh, I might think about it.

Depends if you stay out of my way.

Sarah Jane Smith?

Sarah Jane,

where do I know that name?

Oh! oohh that Sarah Jane.

Seems like no-one wants you around, Sazza. Not even your son.

What? Hmmm, heard him talking before...

he'd like you to keep your nose out. And so would I.

I'm sorry, whatever you're planning I am not stepping aside.

That's your choice. No, Mia Bella!

DEEP GROWLING

What is that? That is my brother.

Is it me, or did things just get uncomfortable?

What's going on?

Well, give me a second, and I'll put you in the picture.

No.

That's Mum!!

Sarah Jane? Mum?

Luke?

I've found her.

No, Mum!

EVIL LAUGHING

And that is how she'll stay...

..forever!

Run!

I have not been released from wood and paint to be trapped in here.

A legend, a painting too terrifying to be exhibited.

Once we are united your reign of fire and sulphur shall begin

and the world will be a rage of flames at our feet.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk