Original subtitles

Whose happy smile makes your heart (eel brighter?

A little boy called Smiley.

Who makes the cares of the day seem lighter'?

That freckled-faced young Smiley.

Though at first you'd think the worst.

And say that he looks a disgrace.

Yet when he grins that cheeky grin.

You don? seem to know hes got a dirty lace.

Who leads the kids when there's mischief brewing?

The freckled boy called Smiley.

Who gets the blame when there's something ruined?

Ks Smiley every time.

But he makes you target you are wild.

With his cute, irresistible smile.

Every dad would be glad if he had a lad like.

That little boy called Smiley.

Joey, look!

That's the police station.

If the sergeant cops you, he'll put you in the lock-up.

Go on! I'm gonna approach unseen like Ned Kelly saving a damsel in distress.

I'm off.

Smiley!

Come in here!

Come here.

- Give me that. - What, Sarge?

You know.

Who slipped the wasp down Jean's knickers'?

Smiley.

Who let off fireworks in Sunday school?

Smiley.

Who put the frog in Mrs. Gaspelfs bed'?

Smiley.

Who pinched his ciacfs cigarettes and smoked himself sick?

Smiley.

If you donW reform soon,

you're gonna drive me and everybody else in Murrumbilla crackers!

Sorry, Sarge.

DonW you realise that these can be very dangerous weapons'?

Dichfl you have a catapult when you was a boy'?

No, I dichfl. I wasn'\ a young larrikin like you.

I was responsible.

I was allowed to have a .22 rifle.

In facLJhis one.

I wish I had a gun.

I'd be a famous bushranger and lead a gang of desperados.

There you go again with that famous imagination of yours.

I've just told you - guns are for responsible people.

I'm responsible.

Murrumbilla Police.

Yeah, speaking.

Oh, hello, Mrs. Brooks.

No.

All you have to do is to fill it in.

Leave it with me and I'll do the rest.

No, no hurry.

Anytime you're passing. Goodbye.

Did I hurt you?

IVs excrucinatin'!

I'm sorry, Smiley.

But let that be a lesson to you.

Don't ever point a gun.

But it ain't loaded, Sarge. I looked to see.

The gun's always loaded.

And the horse always kicks.

Now, you've learnt that at school, haven'\ you?

Yes, sir.

And you talk about being responsible.

Now get.

Smiley!

I suppose I'm crazy, but I'll make a deal with you.

You'd give anything to have this rifle, woulchfl you?

Alright, then.

If you can prove that you're really responsible, the gun's yours.

Oh, I can have the gun all to myself?

And what's more, I'll give you 20 rounds to go shooting with.

Gee, Sarge, you're a real sport, and no error.

How can I prove I'm responsible?

Just by keeping out of trouble. By helping other people, and so on.

Now, for every responsible thing you do,

I'll give you one or more marks.

But for every irresponsible thing, I'll take one or more away.

How will I keep score?

Come on.

Hey, Bill. You got an axe'?

What's he been up to this time?

Smiley and I have just made a little deal.

A what'?

Now, every time you earn a mark, I'll put a nick in this tree.

Eight nicks, and the gun's yours!

And there's a free one to start you off.

Gee, you're a real sport, Sarge!

Ma, can I sweep the yard?

What's the matter'? Are you ill'?

I'm being responsible.

You know where the broom is.

Eight marks? He'll never make it.

Thanks for trying, Sergeant, but you're wasting your time.

- Yeah. - We'll see.

What a hope.

Maybe you underestimate him.

Well, he's my kid, Eddie. I oughta know.

You know, he reminds me of my own lad back in Brisbane.

I've got half a quid to say you're wrong.

You're betting he'll get his eight nicks and the gun?

That's right.

IVs a bet, mate.

Heymsee what I mean'?

Like to double it'?

Smiley!

What do you think you're doing'?!

Canft you see I've just washed those?

Sorry, Ma.

Yeah, you bet I'll double it, Stiff y.

So... when the bore eventually strikes,

the water will go gushing up

and we'll have ample water, even during the droughts,

for all purposes -

gardening, stock, household uses, and so on.

Have any of you ever seen a bore'?

Please, sir! I seen one in Dungary.

Watch your grammar, Val.

Smiley, would you say 'you seen' or 'you saw' a bore in Dungary?

No, sir.

What's that?

I ain't never been to Dungary, sir.

Tell us what a bore is like, Val.

IVs a lot of water coming out of a big pipe in the ground.

And ifs boiling hot.

Well, not quite boiling.

And people that's got rheumatics sit in the water and get cured.

Thank you, Val.

And thank you for reminding me about rheumatics.

I promised to send some bees over to Granny McKinley for hers.

Now, while the subject of the bore is fresh in your minds,

I want you to write a letter to someone telling them about it.

Take over, Miss MacCowan.

Right, now, pens and paper.

Please, Miss. Who do we write to?

Well, anyone you like. A friend or relation.

Who are you gonna write to?

Me Aunt Lizzie in Melbourne. Who are you?

Ned Kelly.

You cam. He's dead.

Captain Cook.

He's dead too.

Oh, I know.

Who?

I'm not gonna tell. You might copy.

“..Get water coming up through the ground,

“we'll be able to grow lots of flowers and vegetables,

“and there'll never be a drought again.

“Your affectionate niece, Val Baker.“

Very nice, Val. Now let's hear yours, Smiley.

“Her Majesty the Queen,

“Buckingham Palace, London, England,

“United Kingdom, Northern Hemisphere, the World, the Solar System...“

Well, I imagine that should find her. Go on.

“Dear Queen,

“They are sinking a bore here so there won't be no more droughts.

“And when you come to see us,

“there'll be lots of water, so you can have a bath.

“If I'm responsible and get eight nicks for good conduct,

“the sergeant said he'll give me a beaut .22 rifle.“

Gosh! Is that true, Smiley?

Bet you he's makin' it up!

I bet he is!

IVs true! It is so.

Ya big liar!

You shut up!

Quiet! Quiet, everyone!

Please, Teacher. It is true about the gun.

Well, if it means you're going to turn over a new leaf,

I'm very glad to hear it.

Now read us the rest of your letter.

“The bore is being sunk by a bloke called Mr. Stiff y.

“Yours truly,

“Smiley William Thomas Greevins.“

Well done.

And if you're really serious about wanting lo be responsible,

I'll ask Mrs. Gaspen if you can pump the organ on Sunday.

Gosh!

Please, Miss, that's my job!

Sit down, Fred.

IVs not fair! Just because...

Look, I've had just about enough of you for one day. I said, sit down!

Please, Teacher, I'll pump like mad.

Well, not loo like mad.

All you've got to do is to keep the plummet down to the right mark.

Now, class dismissed.

Fred Jackson.

Yes, sir'?

You're the oldest boy in the school. I want you to do something for me.

Anything you like, sir.

I want you to take these bees to Granny McKinley.

Granny?!

What's the matter'?

My mum reckons she's a witch, sir.

She cooks up magic brews out of snakes and goannas and things.

And utters curses and casts evil spells.

Nonsense. She's just a bit eccentric, that's all.

Come on, Fred. And see you give them to her personally.

I feel sick, sir.

Whereabouts'?

In me stomach, sir.

In that case, go home and tell your mother

I said you're to have a dose of caster oil!

Oil'?! But...

You heard me.

Yes, sir.

Please, sir. I'll take the bees, sir.

Good for you, Smiley.

But why this sudden helpfulness?

'Cause if I can prove meself responsible,

the sergeant says he'll give me a nick!

A nick'?

IVs not worth a nick, Smiley.

Her room's full of toads and vipers.

And when ifs a full moon, she goes to the cemetery and digs up corpses.

Stop it, both of you!

Take no notice, Smiley. They're just trying to frighten you.

I ain't scared. I'll take the bees, sir.

What's all this about nicks'?

Seems that if he can earn eight marks for good conduct,

the sergeanfs promised him a gun.

He'll never make it.

I'm not so sure.

I know he's always in trouble,

but when he makes up that little mind of his...

I hope you're right.

Gee, you must be in fear and tremblin'.

I ain't scared of old Granny.

Maybe she'll let you see her gold.

She ain't got no gold.

Fred says she's got a big box of it hid in her room.

That's just kid-stakes.

I bet it ain't.

I bet it is.

Whafll you do if she grabs you,

scratches you with her nails and gives you blood poisoning?

Turn it up, Joey!

You'll die in excrucinatin' agony.

Loon!

Vultures!

They always fly around when there's a chance of a corpse.

S-s-s-stop it, canW you? You're giving me the willies.

Good luck, Smiley.

Thanks, Joey.

Hello, Smiley. Who gave you money to spend?

I, uh... l...

"Who" s there?

Haven? you gut something a little darker than this?

I've got some bees for Granny.

Bees? Has someone brought my bees?

Oh, take them in, Smiley. Canft you see I'm busy'?

I got some new ones in yesterday.

Oh, good.

Want my bees!

Where's me bees?

Who are you?

Smiley Greevins.

You've come to steal my gold!

No, I havenW. Honest, I havenW.

Oh, yes, you have.

Everyone's after poor old Granny's gold.

I know, I know.

But they ain'\ gonna get it, see'? Nobody's gonna get it.

You hear me, boy'?

Yes, Granny. I've brought your bees.

Oh, me bees! Me lovely bees!

The doctor - he's always wanting to stick a needle in me,

but it ain't the way God meant things to be.

That's why God made the bees - so as they could cure peoples rheumatics.

Ain't that right?

You're a good boy. You brought poor old Granny her bees.

Will you come see me again?

Promise? Say it.

I promise.

Smiley!

Gee, thanks, Granny!

That's for bringing me the bees and being a good boy.

Gosh, you're a real sport, and no error!

Now, mind, you promised you'd come again and talk to old Granny.

Too rightl will! Ta-ta, Granny.

Joey!

How'd you get on?

It was flabbergastin'! There was bats in the house flying round and...

Ah, goon!

"lizards and snakes, and Granny had a tall black hat on."

She was cooking a witch's brew.

And she caught me by the wrist and dug her talons into me.

Gee, it was excrucinatin'!

Where'cl you gel the lollies?

I pinched them as I fought me way out.

Gee, I'm your cobber, arenW I'?

You lake bees lo Granny and gel your own lollies.

Here.

Oh, thanks!

I had to go through terrible agony for them.

Did you see her gold?

Too right I did. It was in a treasure chest as big that!

And there was a lot of great big doubloons.

Great big what'?

Doubloons. Gold doubloons and pieces of eight.

Granny musfve been a pirate once, and sailed the Spanish Main.

How can a feminine gender be a pirate?

Well, she must've been a pirate's daughter

and had it left to her in his will.

Bet ya pirates donW make no wills.

Bet ya they do. Bet ya they write 'em in blood.

Joey!

Gosh! I won't half cop it. It's me bath night.

See you at church.

You won't. I'll be blowin' the organ.

Do you want to wipe them nicks out?

No, not this time.

Meet Mr. Quirk. This is Bill Greevins.

- How do you do? - How do you do?

Mr. Quirks just up from Sydney. He's a writer.

- Oh! - A very minor one.

He wants some local colour for a new book, so I'm giving him a quick lour of the sights.

And I'm one of them, I suppose, hey?

If you want the real, genuine lowdown on the seamy side of country life,

Bill's just the man to supply it.

Yeah, and if he tries to cover up, I'll fill in the gaps.

Eh, eh, break it down, you two. You'll be ruining my reputation.

Meet the missus, Mr. Quirk.

I'm delighted to meet you, Mrs. Greevins.

And there's the rest of the family.

William Thomas Greevins Jr -

better known to the world as Smiley.

He's the biggest larrikin in town.

Hello, Smiley.

Hello.

Where did you gel the lolly?

Granny McKinley gave them to me.

- Smiley! - IVs true, Ma.

Granny and me are real cobbers.

To my certain knowledge, no kid's ever been near Granny McKinley.

Alright, Smiley. Come clean. Where did you get 'em?

From Granny.

Now, cut it out, Smiley, and tell the truth.

I did so, Ma. I took some bees from Mr. Stevens.

I went right into her room and gave 'em to her, and she grabbed me by the wrist.

Gee, it was flabbergastin'!

Are you sure she dichfl put the vampires onto you?

Or cut you up and stew you for supper?

It ain't fair.

A bloke tries to do something responsible so he'll earn a nick,

and this is what happens.

So that's it, eh?

There's no justice in this place.

Just a minute, Smiley!

Give me the axe, Bill.

Come here, kid.

If what you just told us about Granny McKinley is true,

you're a very brave boy and you deserve a nick.

In fact, you deserve two nicks.

There.

But if I ever find out you've been telling me another one of your whoppers,

I'll wipe out not only these two but the one you've already got.

Is that clear?

Yes, sir. Gosh, Ma! Three already!

Only five more nicks, R00, and I'll have me gun.

I'll shoot goannas and crows and... bandicoo\s...

and kanga...

No! Not them.

Whatever happens, R00, I promise I'll never shoot one of you.

Leads against the foe.

Forward into battle.

See his banners go.

Onward, Christian soldiers.

Marching as to war.

With the cross of Jesus.

Going on before.

At the name of Jesus.

Sataufs host doth flee

on then, Christian soldiers

on to victory.

Hell's foundations quiver.

At the shout of praise.

Brothers, lift your voices.

Loud your anthems raise.

Onward, Christian soldiers.

Marching as to war.

With the cross of Jesus.

Going on before.

Like a mighty army.

Moves the Church of God.

Brothers, we are treading.

Where the saints have trod.

We are not divided.

All one body, we.

One in hope and doctrine.

One in charity.

Onward, Christian soldiers.

Marching as to war.

With the cross of Jesus.

Going on before.

Onward, Christian soldiers.

Marching as to war.

With the cross of Jesus.

Going on.

Get the axe, Bill.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Greevins, but I've got no alternative.

I put the boy on trust and all he did was to make a fool of me.

But how could he have let the goat in'? He was busy pumping.

I found the door closed.

I suppose the goat shut it after HE came in.

Well, the wind might have done.

Nonsense, Mrs. Greevins. There wasn't any wind.

Besides, I saw him pushing him in.

But if the kid's given his word...

His word!

Ah, what's the good of making excuses'?

There's no-one else coulcfve done it.

This is the sort of prank he was always up to in the past -

the sort of prankl thought I'd cured him of.

Let that be a lesson to you.

Yes, indeed!

Cheer up, Smiley.

Never mind, Smiley.

You'll win through in the end. I'm sure you will.

Come on, Smiley. Let's go down to the river.

Justice has miscarriages-d.

I'm an innocent victim of a malignant fate. That's what I am.

I'm gonna take poison and shoot meself.

Well, now, we canW have him committing suicide on an empty stomach, can we'?

Here, why clon'l you lake him clown and buy him some lollies first, eh?

Oh, thanks, Mr. Stiff y! Come on, Smiley.

You can buy lollies. I'm buying arsenic.

Would you like a cup of tea, Miss MacCowan?

I'd love one.

Yes, too bad, poor kid.

Yes... Hey, that bet of yours donW look too good neither.

Care to double up again?

You betl will.

Hello, Joey. What do you want'?

I'll have sixpence worth of caramel and sixpence worth of licorice.

Hello, Smiley. Whats the matter with you?

I'm fed up.

I'm gonna run off to sea and stow away in a Windjammer.

Who's mere'?

Is that Smiley Greevins?

Yes, Granny. IVs me.

Come here. I wanna see you.

You come mo.

Not on your life.

Gosh, you ain't scared of old Granny, are you'?

Too right I'm scared.

Smiley!

Come over closer so I can see you.

Goodness me, that's a sulky way to look when you're visiting an old lady.

I've been victimated, Granny. It ain't fair.

Well, what happened?

I was gonna get another nick today - for pumping the organ -

only a goat got into the church

and tripped up the sergeant with the collection.

Did he come a crapper?

A beaut! Right in the middle of the aisle.

It's alright for you to laugh, but it cost me all me nicks.

I wish I'd been there.

Just the sort of thing Dugan woulcfve done.

Who's Dugan?

Me son.

Me only son.

Stand over there in the light, Smiley.

That's it. That's it.

Don't move.

But, Gran, I...

I knew there was something from the moment I set eyes on you.

And do you know what it is'?

IVs the way you stand -

straight and upright.

Just like Dugan when he was a kid.

So full of life, he was.

Always up to some mischief, same as you.

But, Gran, I never done it. Honest, I never.

A bloke tries to be responsible and that's what happens.

Don't give in, Smiley.

There's other ways of getting nicks, and guns.

Shall I show you something'?

You bet!

Here it is.

There he is.

That was my Dugan, when he was about the same age as you.

Dugan! My boy Dugan.

That day the mine caved in, I thought I'd never get over it.

What are you looking for?

I, er... I thought there might be some gold.

You mind your own business!

You're like everyone else. You want to peer and pry.

Sorry, Granny. I didnW mean nothing.

I know there ain't REALLY no gold, but all the kids say...

Say what?

They reckon that's why you never go out -

'cause you sit here all day, guarding it.

So that's what they say, is it'?

Well, what else do they expect me to do?

Leave it lying around for anyone to steal?

I'd better go now, Gran. Ta-ta.

Smiley! No, it's not just me old eyes deceiving me.

You are! You are! In so many ways, you're the dead spit of my Dugan.

Come here.

If I show you something,

something very secret,

will you promise never to tell a soul'?

I promise, Gran.

You got to swear it.

Cross me heart and cut me throat.

- Lock the door. - You bet!

Is the back door locked?

Not a soul could get in, Granny.

Anyone watching through the window?

No-one's there, Granny.

Then come here.

Help me to move this chest.

This is what Dugan got

when he struck it rich.

Jehoshaphat!

I just wanted to see what they felt like.

Nobody but you has ever seen my gold.

Not even Elsie.

You know, the morel think about it,

the more I reckon that sergeant was wrong.

Course Smiley done it. How else could the goat have got in'?

Well, the kid gave his word.

That kid's always up to some kind of mischief.

I still don't think he shouldve lost his nicks'.

Why do you think we locals have all bet against Smiley?

'Cause we've known that kid since he was born.

Well, he looks straight enough lo me.

Is it the kid you're worried about

or the dough you and your gang have bet on him'?

Look out. Here he comes now.

G'clay, Joey.

Hello, Uncle Tom.

Hey, kid. Not feeling too bad about losing them nicks, I hope?

Not on your life. I'll get them back if ifs the last thing I do.

Good on you, son.

That's the way to talk.

Can you give me a job so I can prove meself responsible'?

Sure. Start greasing that piping if you like.

You bet!

Hey, Joey.

Hey, Joey, how's Smiley feeling about that raw deal he got?

Bet he's mighty sore with the sergeant, huh'?

Too right he is.

Look, I got a beaut idea for him to get even.

All he's gotta do is put this under the sergeanfs house and scare the life out of him.

What is it'?

Gunpowder. What we use for blasting.

Gunpowder!

It can't do no harm. Look, I'll show you.

See what I mean'?

But the sergeant might cop him!

Not if he was to use a length of fuse.

Time this went off, Smiley would be half a mile away.

Don't you reckon it's a good idea, Joey'?

Too right!

There you are.

Matches.

Thanks.

You'll never guess what I've got.

What'?

I canW tell you here. IVs a dark, deadly secret.

Oh, buzz off, will you'? I'm being responsible.

IVs flabbergastin'. IVs the mostflabbergastin' thing you ever saw.

Doing alright, son?

Well, I'll be back in a little while. I've got to get some more piping.

I'll go on greasing like mad, Mr. Stiff y.

That's my boy. If I see the sergeant, I'll tell him.

- All clear now, Stiff y. - Good.

What is it you've got, Joey?

Go on, show me. I'm your cobber, arenW I'?

- What's that? - Gunpowder.

What are you going to do with it'?

Uncle Tom thought you might have some fun.

What sort of fun'?

Like putting some under the sergeanfs house and giving him a scare.

That woulchfl be responsible.

You and your 'responsible'.

- I've got a better idea. - What is it'?

Let's go into the bush and shoot some crows.

You can't shoot with powder. You have to have a gun.

I know where there's a gun. Race you.

Greevins!

Greevins! Have you seen that Smiley?

Er, no. Not a sign, Ma.

He knows perfectly well he should be taking the washing.

I'll bet he's up to no good with that Joey.

You better go, Smiley.

I'm going shooting.

Your mum's a terror. She'll be mad at you.

I'm going shooting!

Whoa! Whoa, steady.

There, there. Whoa, whoa. Steady now. Steady, easy.

Smiley.

Come on!

Hi, Bill. Got time to fix a loose shoe?

Yeah, you be“ have.

What I've got in here would kill an elephant.

Supposing we're attacked by a herd of elephants?

I'll pick them off one by one.

With that old blunderbuss'?

I know.

I'll send a smoke signal lo Ned Kelly saying we're in deadly peril.

Psst!

- What is it'? - An eagle waiting to attack us.

Go on! IVs just an old crow.

Hello. I wonder who's out shooting today.

Eh, search me.

Are you hurt, Smiley?

IVs excrucinatin'! Bet you I've broken me shoulder.

Bet you I have to have me arm amplicated.

Loon!

What a beam!

Loon!

Gosh! You started a fire!

IVs no good! IVs out of control.

What are we going to do?

IVs heading for the bore. We've got to warn them.

Bushfire! Bushfire! Bushfire!

Bushfire! Bushfire!

Grab a truck and drive into town and warn them.

Alright, you fellas. Get some bags!

Let's get a move on. She's heading this way!

Spread out and cover the whole front!

Fire! Bushfire!

We've got to put it out!

We've got to!

Bushfire!

Everybody to the bore!

Bushfire!

There they are!

Come on! We've gotta save that bore!

Never thought I'd be so glad to see a copper.

Joey! Look out!

Arggh!

Help!

Hey, Doc!

I'll get him to the hospital right away.

You'll be alright, Joey.

Stretcher, quick!

You won't tell them I started the fire, will you'?

Course-l won't.

Come on, boy.

Looks as though she's just about licked.

Looks like it, thanks to you fellas.

I wonder how it started.

That's whatl aim to find out.

That's a nasty-looking bruise. Where did you get it'?

It must have been up at the fire.

I'll get some liniment.

Hey, son, you're wanted over here.

- Who by'? - The sergeant.

What mischief have you been up to this time?

N-n-nothing, Ma.

Get yourself dressed.

Yes, Ma.

What's the matter'? What's he been up to now?

What I have to say to him is personal, Mrs. Greevins.

Well, clon't be too hard on the boy - he was hurt fighting the fire.

Smiley?

He's got a big bruise on his shoulder.

Oh, he has, has he'?

Smiley Greevins, come here!

So you got that fighting the bushfire, eh?

Y-yes, sir.

Where's that gun?

Do you recognise this, Bill'?

Yeah, ifs mine!

- Ah, it's only an old bit of junk. - It can still shoot.

- Where do you usually keep it'? - In the smithy.

Ah.

Well, there's the proof-the gun, the bruise, the bushfire, everything.

And I thoughtl could trust you.

You gave me your word too.

Then you go out and start a bushfire and nearly wreck the bore.

Why did you do it'?

You know that starting a bushfire is a criminal of fence, don't you?

Well, for Pete's sake, why did you do it'?

Why?

Well, from now on, as far as I'm concerned, our bargahfs off.

You can get yourself a thousand nicks, but you'll never get any gun out of me!

Let's find that liniment.

He's never out of strife, eh?

Still, as the old saying goes,

“Every cloud has its silver lining.“

Come on.

How are you going, Sarge?

What's biting him'?

Hello, Sergeant.

Dr. Gaspen around?

Yes. I'll see if I can find him for you.

Oh, hello, Sergeant'

I, uh, just dropped in to see how young Joey was getting along.

Oh, he'll be alright. it's just a few first-degree burns, that's all.

Good.

Er, Sergeant.

As a... as a doctor, I shoulchfl talk about my patients,

but I donW like to see kids get into trouble.

There's something I think you ought to know.

Oh?

We had to give young Joey a touch of anaesthetic,

and as he was going under, he kept shouting about the fire.

What about it'?

Well, he was, er... he was raving a bit,

but three or four times he said quite clearly,

“You won't tell them I started the fire, will you, Smiley?”

You beam!

Hiya, Bill!

Hiya, fellas!

Smiley!

Don't worry, Smiley. I'll look after you.

What's wrong now? HavenW you punished him enough?

Smiley, come here.

Put it there, Smiley.

Hake back everything I said.

Do you mean to say he dichft start the fire?

Of course he dichfl!

Oh, Smiley, why dichft you tell us'?

Because he was protecting his cobber, that's why.

Oh, Smiley, I'm so glad!

How many nicks did you have, Smiley?

Three.

Right.

There they are.

And an extra one for your prompt warning about the fire.

And another one for not splitting on young Joey.

Gee, five nicks!

I must tell R00!

And speaking of old sayings,

isn't there one that goes, “He laughs best who laughs last”?

Just a question of time. Smiley'll never make it!

Five nicks, R00.

And the teacher's taught me a special poem for the concert.

Perhaps if I say it right, they'll give me another one.

“Lars Porsena of Clusium By the nine gods he swore.

“That the great house of Tarquin Should suffer wrong no more.

“By the nine gods he swore it And named a trysting day.

“And bade his messengers ride forth To summon his array...“

Is that what you've got to recite tonight, son?

Yes, Dad.

Ah, that's not going to go down too good with Stiff y and the bore gang.

Why not'?

Well, it'll be right over their heads.

They won't know what it's about.

I'd give them something else if I was you.

I donW know nothing else.

I know one. How about if I teach it to you?

There'd be no time.

Ah, ifs only short. You'll learn her in five minutes.

What's it called?

IVs called 'The Dogs' Meeting'.

“The dogs once had a meeting.

“They come from near and far...“

What's going on?

CanW a bloke have a friendly talk with his own son?

Better finish dressing. We've got to leave soon.

Yes, Ma.

Now, where was I'?

Ah, yeah. Yeah.

“And some, they come by railway train.

“And some by motor car.

“But ere inside the meeting hall.

“They were allowed to look...“

If so be you ask me where.

They do grow, I'll answer: There.

Where my Julia's lips do smile.

There's the land, or cherry-isle.

There's the land.

Or cherry.

Isle.

Cherry-ripe, cherry-ripe.

Ripe, I cry.

Full and fair ones Come and buy.

Cherry-ripe, cherry-ripe.

Ripe, I cry.

Full and fair ones.

Come and buy.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, I'd...

Thank you, Mrs. Gaspen.

Thank you very, very much.

Now, the next item on the program

is to be a recitation by Smiley Greevins.

Don't you worry, boys. I've fixed this bore gang once and for all.

Your bets is gonna be as safe as houses.

Good for you.

Smiley will now recite 'How Horalius Kept the Bridge'.

My mistake.

He's changed his mind, and he's going to recite 'The Dogs' Meeting'.

'The Dogs' Meeting'.

“The dogs once had a meeting.

“They came from near and far.

“Some, they came by railway train And some by motor car.

“But ere inside the meeting hall They were allowed lo look.

“Each had to take their backside off And hang it on a hook.“

You bad boy!

You naughty, horrible, vulgar little boy.

You ought to be thoroughly ashamed of yourself!

Oh, fair go, Mrs. Gaspen. I'm sure he dichft mean any harm.

No, of course he dichfl.

Of course he did. It was deliberate.

He's a nasty, dirty-minded little boy and I insist he be punished.

Oh, break it clown, lady!

Yeah, leave the kid alone.

Those good-conduct marks on his tree...

you must obliterate them at once!

Oh, no!

That'll teach him!

Yeah, that's right. Cut them all out.

Not on your life! He earned them marks fair and square. They stay!

You're only sticking up for the kid 'cause you bet on him.

And you want them marks rubbed out because you bet against him.

- What about my 10 bob? - Two quid, you owe!

- What do you mean? - What's all this about bets?

- You go to blazes! - Flaming twicer!

And that goes for you.

Order! Order!

Order, there! Order!

She's blown! The bore's blown!

She's areal beam! A real gusher! You ought to see her.

We've struck water!

- Come on! - Water!

Come on, get moving.

You wait till you see it.

IVs flabbergastin'!

Just like a tap coming out of the ground, only a million times as big!

There's as much water as the Pacific Ocean.

Go on! You're exaggerating.

Bet you there is!

Well, almost as much, anyway.

What about the fire, Smiley'?

Oh, that.

Does anyone know I started it'? You haven't split on me, have you?

Course-l ain't!

If they ever find out it was me...

You got nothing to worry about.

They're all so excited about the bore they've forgot all about the fire.

- Honest? - Honest.

I bet that old sergeant hasnW.

- Course he has. - Shh!

Oh, hello, kids.

Well, I'm afraid you've got to buzz off, Smiley.

Ifs time for Joey's dressings.

So long, cobber. See you tomorrow.

Ta-ta.

Why, thank you, Nurse.

Well, Joey...

Hello, Smiley.

Morning, Mr. Quirk.

You writing your book'?

That's exactly what I'm doing.

What are you putting in it'?

Oh, all about Murrumbilla and the fire and...

You're not saying Joey started it'?

Why not'?

'Cause he doesM know no-one knows.

Well, once he's out of hospital, the sergeant will tell him soon enough.

Perhaps if I ask the sarge.

Well, at the moment, I'm writing about an old friend of yours, Granny McKinley.

Would you like to hear what I've said?

You bet.

Alright. Now, where did I put it'?

There we are.

“Time has not dealt lightly with Murrumbillafs oldest inhabitant.

“The years have impaired her menial faculties.“

Don't that mean she's a halfwit'?

More or less.

“Like many elderly people, she has the delusion that others are plotting to rob her of her possessions.

“Because of this, she rarely ventures from her room, and a local legend has grown up

“that she's guarding a secret hoard of gold.

“There is, of course, no foundation for this.“

There is so!

Well, now, Smiley, everyone knows that that gold of hers

is a figment of the imagination.

I cloift know what a figment is, but whatever it is, it ain't one.

Surely a sensible boy like you doeslfl believe that story?

She gave me a Captain Cook.

- A what'? - A look.

You've seen Granny/s gold? Ah, you're pulling my leg!

But I have. IVs a lot of golden sovereigns in a big tin box.

And where does she keep it - under her pillow?

No, under a loose board in the floor.

You made me tell! I sworel woulchfl tell nobody.

Oh, that's alright, Smiley. I promise I won't breathe it to a living soul.

Cross your heart and cut your throat.

Cross my heart and cut my throat.

'Bye, Mr. Quirk.

- Where are you off to? - Going to see the sarge about Joey.

Good on you, Nd.

And if you can persuade him to keep his mouth shut,

I promise to say nothing about Joey in the book.

Gee, thanks, Mr. Quirk.

Can I come in, Sarge?

Oh, it's you, Smiley.

Know anything about mending telephones?

No, of course you donW.

WonW it work?

You donW think I'm doing this for fun, do you?

- Sarge? - Yeah.

You ain't gonna do nothing about Joey, are you'?

What about Joey?

He never meant to start the fire. Honest, he never.

That's no excuse, and you know it.

He's had a bad enough time already - getting burned and everything.

Well, I'll think about it.

Well, how are you going to answer it'?

From the extension in the bedroom.

Murrumbilla Police'.

Oh, ifs you, Mr. Quirk.

You have'?

Good.

Not a bad idea at a!!!

Shes certainly the obvious choice, but I wouldn't like to bet shell do it.

You really think he could?

Yes, you might be right at that.

Mm-hm.

Goodbye.

That was Mr. Quirk.

He's got a great idea.

There's so much jealousy amongst all the women around here

about who's going to open the bore, he suggests, to avoid it, we get Granny McKinley.

Granny! She'd never do it.

She's the obvious choice - oldest inhabitant.

Shes endured the droughts longer than anyone.

But she hasn'\ been out of her house for years!

That's where you come in, Smiley.

You're her best friend.

If anybody can get her to do it, you can.

She woulchfl listen to me!

Oh, you never know.

I'll tell you what.

If you can get her to do it, I'll give you three extra nicks...

and the gun's yours.

That's a promise, Smiley.

Gosh!

Now, why donW you run down there right away. Go on!

Too right.

Not on your life.

They needn't think they can trick old Granny like that.

Nobody's trying to trick you.

Oh, yes, they are.

I know 'em too well.

And for one thing, I donW approve of the bore.

IVs sinful.

How can a bore be sinful?

Watefs like everything else -

it should come the way God meant it.

Besides, no-one's going to drag me away from guarding me gold.

You ain't told nobody'?

You ain't given away me secret?

I ain't even told Joey, and he's me best cobber.

You swear you haven'\ said a word to him'?

I swear.

Remember when I lost all me nicks -

you told me not to give up, dichfl you?

That's right.

Well, the sergeant said if you open the bore

all me sins will be forgiven and I'll gel me gun.

You want that gun badly, donW you, Smiley?

You bet.

You're a good boy.

You been kind to old Granny.

And now ifs my turn.

I suppose if I left Elsie to guard me gold...

Now, what shall I wear?

Lineup!

Would you take that seat there, please, Mr. Protheroe?

And that's your seat there, Reverend.

And will you remember to go right down the front,

right to the edge of the pool for the blessing?

Look out! Here they come!

Oh, look. Look, it's Smiley.

Look at 'em all, Granny, all wailing for the Queen of Murrumbilla.

Smiley, me gold.

It'll be alright, Granny. Elsie's guarding it.

Oh, I've never trusted her to watch over it before.

Gosh. Look, Granny, stop worrying.

Well, you've got Granny, alright.

That means he gets his gun.

Yes, you win. I'm glad for Smiley's sake, anyway.

And I think the kid deserves it.

- I done it, Sarge. - Good for you, kid.

I never thought you'd get her here.

What about the gun?

This evening, when this lot's over, we'll have another little ceremony.

Gosh!

Smiley.

Come on, kid.

Smiley!

- I'm here, Gran. - Oh...

“To Your Gracious Majesty, the Queen of Murrumbilla, greetings,

“and our grateful thanks

“that you have seen fit to honour us with your presence

“on this, our day of celebration.“

“With Your Maiestys approval,

“it is now my duty to present to you

“some of Your Maiestys humble subjects.“

The Right Honourable Horace Protheroe,

our Member of Parliament and a justice of the peace.

Your Majesty.

The Reverend Galbraith, vicar to our community.

Your Majesty.

God never meant water to be dug for.

He meant it to come from the heavens.

Turn it up, Gran.

And now, a very distinguished visitor, that brilliant author Mr. Quirk.

Uh, Mr. Quirk, please.

- Mr' Quirk? - Mr. Quirk?

Are you sure ifs alright? Me gold, I mean.

Mr' Quirk, please'

I don'\ think Mr. Quirk will be here today.

He has a touch of the sun, so he's probably decided to stay indoors.

Oh, dear, clear. Thank you, Doctor.

And finally, Your Majesty, another distinguished visitor to your domain,

a man to whom our humble thanks are due

for having sunk the bore and made today possible-

Mr. Patrick Mulligan.

Uh, Your Majesty...

"ladies and gentlemen,."

I, uh, donW want to BORE you with along speech.

Uh, I say, “I donW want to BORE you...“ Uh...

But I would like to say this.

You got a real nice town here, and nice people,

and me and me mates have had a real good time.

There was a bit of a dust-up the other night,

but, uh, all in good fun.

And, uh, I'd like you to know this.

Uh, we'll be really sorry lo leave the place.

Hello, Smiley.

Everything alright, Elsie?

Of course it is.

No-one been in Granny's room?

0h, donW be soft. They're all up at the bore.

Granny keeps worrying about her old gold.

Oh, her and her old gold.

Mind if I have a look?

You're getting as daft as she is. Go on.

It's OK, Elsie.

- Satisfied? - Yep. Hooroo.

Ta-ta.

And finally, on this auspicious occasion,

ladies and gentlemen, I want to remind you

that it was the Government that got you this bore.

So, when the next elections come along,

I hope you'll remember that.

Thank you.

And thank you, Mr. Protheroe.

And now, friends, the great moment,

the moment we've all been waiting for.

It is with pride and pleasure that I now call upon Granny McKinley

to open the bore!

Where's Smiley?

Smiley!

I ain't budging without him.

- Smiley! - Smiley!

- I'm here, Gran. - Where have you been?

I had to... to leave the room.

You promised you woulchfl leave me side.

Well, let's get on with it, shall we'?

Stone the crows! IVs hot.

Oh!

Good Lord, we thank thee for thy bountiful blessing...

Keep your prayers rill I'm back on dry land.

This watefs flaming hot.

I now declare this bore well and truly open.

Me feet. Me poor old feet.

Mrs. McKinley, you were great.

You've given Murrumbilla the best day ifs had in years.

Thank you, Sergeant.

I'll get you a nice cup of tea.

Thank you, my dear.

Well, so long, Mrs. McKinley.

Oh...

So long, Smiley.

I'll see you later.

I'm coming now.

No, Smiley. Stay with me a while.

But, Gran...

Oh, please?

Gee, it was a beaut opening.

You were flabbergastin'!

I was so nervous, I thought I'd die.

You dichfl look it. You looked like a real queen.

Did I'? Oh.

Whats the matter, Gran?

Me gold. I've got to see me golcfs alright.

- Course ifs alright. - But we got to make sure.

Come and help me move this chest.

There. Just the same as you left it.

We got to make sure.

What's this'?!

A brick!

Me gold, ifs gone!

You took it. You took me gold.

No!

You was the only one that knew where it was.

That's why you ran away from the bore.

It ain't true. It ain't!

- Me gold. - What's all the fuss'?

Me gold - he stole me gold.

Stop him! Stop, thief. Stop Smiley!

Stop him! Stop him!

Smiley! Smiley!

Whats the matter, Elsie?

Granny thinks he's taken her gold.

- You know how she is. - IVs gone, I tell you!

Stop him! Stop Smiley!

Stop, thief!

What's happening'? What's going on?

Hey!

Hey, Smiley!

Hey. what's up'?

They're shouting for Smiley.

Smiley!

Smiley!

Goodbye, R00. I'm a fugitive from justice.

There's a price on me head.

He'll come back.

Any news?

Not a sign, Ma.

He dichfl do it. I know he dichfl.

That's what the sergeant hopes too, but the gold's gone and Smiley's gone

so he canW help putting two and two together.

Maybe he took fright and gone bush like last time.

Yes, they're starting a search first thing in the morning.

Come on, R00. That's my boy.

Smiley!

- Smiley! - Smiley!

- Smiley! - Smiley!

Smiley!

Smiley!

Smiley! Smiley! Smiley! Smiley!

- Cooee! - Smiley!

- Smiley! Smiley! - Cooee!

- Smiley! - Hey!

- Smiley! - Cooee!

Alright, get a move on, you fellas. We've got a long way to go.

OK, Stiff y.

Bet we don't make so much easy dough at the next place.

How much did you make out of the kid?

- 2.5 quid. And you? - 3 quid, me.

That's chicken feed. You should see what I took off Smileys dad.

Hello, what's this?

IVs a kid.

IVs Smiley.

Hey, Stiff y!

Hello, Smiley.

Hello, Mr. Stiff y.

Looks as though we've drawn a blank, Bill.

He coulchfl have got this far in the time.

Keep looking, Sarge. For goodness' sake, keep looking.

Sol shutoff, not knowing where to go.

And when I'd run for hundreds and hundreds of miles

I saw your camp and...

You've done the wrong thing running away, Smiley.

That's the last thing you should have done.

But I'm a fugitive from justice.

I'm an outlaw with a price on me head.

If they ever catch me now, I'll spend the rest of me life in jail.

Smiley, when a bloke's innocent

his best chance is to face up to the music

and let justice take its course.

- I'm going to take you back. - No!

Uh-uh-uh. Come on, now. You leave this to me.

Let me go!

What's going on?

Smiley's mum, she donW half look upset.

Then you, uh, dichfl actually see him leave?

No.

But you did see him come back after the final speech?

- Yes. - Did you ask him where he'd been?

He said he'd... had to leave the room.

He dichfl tell you he'd been back to Murrumbilla?

- No, sir. - Any questions, Mr. Stevens?

No, sir.

Thank you, Mrs. Greevins.

Miss Elsie McKinley, please.

DonW worry, Smiley. Everything will be alright.

That's finished his mum.

Now ifs Elsie.

So, he asked if everything was alright,

then he went into Granny's room.

- Did you go with him'? - No.

How long was he in there?

Well, it dichfl seem more than a minute or so.

Did you see him come out?

No. I was busy with some seedlings and had my back to him.

So he might or he might not have had the gold.

Oh, I'm sure he dichft.

How can you say that when you dichfl see him'?

If he'd taken the gold, he'd have sneaked out the back way, woulchfl he'?

I do not want your opinions, young lady.

I only want the facts.

Yes, sir.

- I bet you they give him 20 years. - Bet you they don't.

Bet you they do. He's a thief, isnW he'?

DonW you call my cobber a thief or I'll bash you one.

So you actually took the gold from its hiding place and showed it to the boy'?

Yes. And he swore he wouldnW tell nobody.

Have you ever shown it to anyone else?

Nobody. Never. Not even Elsie.

Have you ever told anyone where it was'?

No.

Then Smiley's the only person who knew where to lookfor it'?

That's right.

That concludes the case for the prosecution, sir.

Has the defence any questions?

Yes, sir.

Smiley's been good to you, hasn'\ he, Mrs McKinley?

He brought my bees for your rheumatism, dichfl he'?

He was after me gold, that's what he was after,

smoodging up to me so as he could get me gold.

No, I wasnW, Gran. Honest, I wasnW.

Quiet, please. Quiet.

That concludes the case for the defence, sir.

In that case the court will adjourn and resume at two cf clock,

when I will give my considered opinion

as to whether the boy should be sent for trial.

Hey, break it up, you kids.

He called Smiley a thief.

Hey, Bill, looks like you paid up that money loo early.

Ah, forget it. Forget it.

IVs my blooming betting that's got the kid where he is.

Still, a bet's a bet, man.

Nah, nah. Nah, you keep it. Ifd only burn a hole in me pocket.

- How's the sunstroke'? - Oh, much better, thank you, Doctor.

Once this lot's over, I think I'll go back to Sydney

and get cracking on the book.

You'll have plenty of copy.

Poor kid. IVs a shame.

Well, I know how you feel, but thanks for paying up, anyhow.

Hey, Mr. Stiff y, there's something I've got to tell you.

What is it'?

Well, what they were saying in there about everyone being up at the bore,

well, they wasnW.

You weren't, were you'? You were in hospital.

But, Mr. Stiff y, I was looking out the hospital window

when I see a man in the street going towards Granny's store.

- Who was it'? - L coulchfl be sure.

I only seen him from the back. But I think I just seen him again.

Well, where is he'?

There, with the Doc.

Good on you, son. Now, leave this to us.

Alright, Mrs. Simpson,

come round to the surgery after dinner tonight, will you?

Hey, Doc, if a fella said he had sunstroke, could he be swinging the lead'?

I donW get you.

That city bloke, for instance.

Oh, I'm sorry. it's not etiquette to discuss my patients.

What the blazes has etiquette got to do with it'?

Now, listen. I've got an idea...

This whole affair is, of course, based on circumstantial evidence.

That is to say, no-one actually saw the theft,

nor has anybody seen

the stolen property in the possession of young Greevins.

Normally, we must treat circumstantial evidence

with a certain caution.

However, in this case, the evidence is so strong...

Excuse me.

What is all this'?

- You'll know soon enough. - Order, there. Order.

If I may, sir, I wish to call fresh evidence.

But I'm just about to give my opinion.

Well, you want lo find out who pinched Granny's gold, clon'l you?

Of course. That's why we're gathered here.

And you wouldn't like to see an innocent kid sent for trial

and suffer for something he dichfl do?

Of course not.

Then why canW you pipe down and listen to what I've got to say'?

- Really! - Order, there.

- Let him get on with it. - You go right ahead, Stiff y.

- Give him a chance, sir. - Give the kid a fair go.

Now, take it easy, folks. Mr. Protheroes only here to help.

He wants to see young Smiley released as much as anyone.

Now please sit down.

Please continue.

What would you say if the Doc got up and testified

that a certain bloke who was supposed to have sunstroke was only shamming?

- I dichfl say that. - You said he could have been!

Well, yes, but...

Mr. Mulligan, you must stick to facts.

Well, during the break, me and Smileys dad

decided to do a bit of snooping, see'?

And we find marks on Granny's back door

that looks to us like ifs been forced.

This is mere conjecture.

Smileys dacfs still searching.

For what'?

I've got it! I've got it!

I've got it!

I found it, Stiff y.

What have you found'?

IVs me gold!

Where did you find it'?

In the back of his car, all set for a quick getaway.

Whose car? Who are you talking about?

He's talking about Quirk.

Let go, will you?

Alright, boys. I'll deal with this.

Smiley, I'm so glad.

Good on you, son. I'm proud of you.

Thank you, Mr. Stiff y.

Don't thank me. Thank Joey.

Thank you, Joey.

Put it there, cobber.

So, when what Bill Greevins and Stiff y said turned out to be true,

Quirk, realising the game was up, confessed.

And here, Granny McKinley, is your stolen property.

Oh, me gold. Me gold.

But that's not the only reason you were asked along here today.

Sergeant Major Stiff y.

Sir.

March him in.

Prisoner and escort, quick march.

Left, right! Left, right! Left, right! Left!

Come on. Pick 'em up. Pick 'em up. Pick 'em up. Pick 'em up.

Halt!

Right turn.

Smiley Greevins, you are charged with being responsible.

Do you plead guilty or not guilty?

Guilty.

Well, there she is, Smiley. She's all yours.

Look out, Sarge. IVs loaded.

That's the idea, Smiley boy.

Never forget the old sayings.

The gun's always loaded, and lhe horse always kicks.

But I'm trying to tell you...

And even if you know ifs not loaded, never do a thing like this.

- The gun is always loaded. - And the horse always kicks.

Here, take it, Smiley. She's all yours.

Gee, Sarge, you're a real sport, and no error.

Whose happy smile makes your heart (eel brighter?

A little boy called Smiley.

Every dad would be glad if he had a lad like.

That little boy called Smiley'