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1
00:00:05,672 --> 00:00:09,274
[Addams Family theme]
2
00:00:15,915 --> 00:00:18,617
Yes, slide, man, slide!
3
00:00:20,787 --> 00:00:24,123
So, who's winning,
Morticia or Gomez?
4
00:00:24,124 --> 00:00:26,992
I'm watching the tv
to look for job ideas.
5
00:00:26,993 --> 00:00:30,462
So far i've got it narrowed down
to weatherman, spokesmodel,
6
00:00:30,463 --> 00:00:35,434
Time life operator,
psychic friend,
7
00:00:35,435 --> 00:00:37,503
And the one I think
I got the best shot at:
8
00:00:37,504 --> 00:00:39,772
Castaway.
9
00:00:39,773 --> 00:00:43,542
Yeah, so, do you have any
non-fictional possibilities?
10
00:00:43,543 --> 00:00:45,411
I have an interview today
at the community center
11
00:00:45,412 --> 00:00:47,046
To be activities director.
12
00:00:47,047 --> 00:00:50,215
Good pay, great hours,
and best of all, I get
to wear a whistle.
13
00:00:50,216 --> 00:00:52,918
Yeah, but doesn't
an activities director
14
00:00:52,919 --> 00:00:56,188
Have to be,
you know, active?
15
00:00:56,189 --> 00:00:58,157
Au contraire.
16
00:00:58,158 --> 00:01:02,161
That's what the assistant
activities director is for.
17
00:01:02,162 --> 00:01:05,464
And they said you weren't
management material.
18
00:01:05,465 --> 00:01:07,032
Mom!
19
00:01:07,033 --> 00:01:08,167
What happened?
I don't know.
20
00:01:08,168 --> 00:01:10,202
I went out for a pass,
and when I turned around,
21
00:01:10,203 --> 00:01:11,303
He had fallen off the curb.
22
00:01:11,304 --> 00:01:12,738
It's really bad.
23
00:01:12,739 --> 00:01:14,773
I can see right
through to the bone.
24
00:01:14,774 --> 00:01:16,675
Look how white it is.
25
00:01:16,676 --> 00:01:19,411
No, that's just
your skin, D.J.
26
00:01:19,412 --> 00:01:21,647
You need to wear
shorts more often.
27
00:01:22,749 --> 00:01:24,116
It really, really hurts.
28
00:01:24,117 --> 00:01:26,385
Well, we're gonna send
your dad out to find
29
00:01:26,386 --> 00:01:28,220
That nasty curb
that did this to you.
30
00:01:28,221 --> 00:01:30,756
Here, put your leg up here.
31
00:01:30,757 --> 00:01:32,825
Hurry, it's starting
to puff up.
32
00:01:32,826 --> 00:01:33,892
Oh, i'll get the ice.
33
00:01:34,961 --> 00:01:38,130
Oh, my god!
Are you all right?
34
00:01:38,131 --> 00:01:40,032
[squeals]
35
00:01:40,033 --> 00:01:41,600
My god, it's your tooth.
36
00:01:41,601 --> 00:01:43,702
Cool, can I have it?
37
00:01:49,342 --> 00:01:51,210
[theme]
38
00:02:41,661 --> 00:02:42,795
What?
39
00:02:43,863 --> 00:02:45,864
We did it.
40
00:02:45,865 --> 00:02:48,534
We finally did it.
41
00:02:48,535 --> 00:02:52,338
You're not going to, like,
high-five me, are you?
42
00:02:52,339 --> 00:02:54,606
Sorry, i'm just excited.
43
00:02:55,909 --> 00:02:58,310
It was incredible,
wasn't it?
44
00:02:58,311 --> 00:03:00,379
Well, I don't have anything
to compare it to,
45
00:03:00,380 --> 00:03:02,281
But I think we
did pretty good.
46
00:03:08,388 --> 00:03:10,656
Did you hear that?
47
00:03:10,657 --> 00:03:11,657
What?
48
00:03:11,658 --> 00:03:13,792
My parents are home.
49
00:03:13,793 --> 00:03:15,594
Oh, god, this is bad.
50
00:03:15,595 --> 00:03:17,296
Well, look at it
this way.
51
00:03:17,297 --> 00:03:20,065
At least you won't
die a virgin.
52
00:03:20,066 --> 00:03:21,266
Where are my pants?
53
00:03:21,267 --> 00:03:22,968
What did you do
with my pants?
54
00:03:22,969 --> 00:03:25,771
I ate them in
the throes of passion.
55
00:03:25,772 --> 00:03:26,772
I gotta have pants.
56
00:03:26,773 --> 00:03:28,674
The first clue
to sex is no pants.
57
00:03:30,610 --> 00:03:32,945
Here, hurry up.
58
00:03:38,084 --> 00:03:39,151
False alarm.
59
00:03:39,152 --> 00:03:40,419
Oh.
60
00:03:40,420 --> 00:03:43,355
That is the last time we do
that without our clothes on.
61
00:03:46,459 --> 00:03:48,560
Hey, Darlene, I have
a surprise for you.
62
00:03:48,561 --> 00:03:50,629
Already?
63
00:03:50,630 --> 00:03:52,498
No.
64
00:03:52,499 --> 00:03:54,667
I went down to
our post office box.
65
00:03:54,668 --> 00:03:57,036
Our letters from
the art school came.
66
00:03:57,037 --> 00:03:58,437
New york or chicago?
67
00:03:58,438 --> 00:03:59,838
Both.
68
00:03:59,839 --> 00:04:02,708
We'll open them together.
New York first.
69
00:04:08,014 --> 00:04:10,015
"dear Miss Conner,
thank you for your interest
70
00:04:10,016 --> 00:04:12,451
"in the new york
college of creative arts.
71
00:04:12,452 --> 00:04:14,687
Unfortunately..."
72
00:04:17,490 --> 00:04:19,892
Sorry, Darlene.
73
00:04:19,893 --> 00:04:23,262
Why couldn't they just write,
"dear loser, drop dead"?
74
00:04:23,263 --> 00:04:26,699
"dear loser..."
75
00:04:26,700 --> 00:04:29,601
Well, New York thinks we suck.
76
00:04:35,975 --> 00:04:38,744
Chicago agrees
with New York.
77
00:04:43,616 --> 00:04:45,417
Well, it's official:
78
00:04:45,418 --> 00:04:47,286
We're both talentless hacks
79
00:04:47,287 --> 00:04:49,888
Who will spend the rest
of our lives in Lanford.
80
00:04:49,889 --> 00:04:52,124
Let's party!
81
00:04:52,125 --> 00:04:54,159
I'm so depressed.
82
00:04:54,160 --> 00:04:55,961
Me too.
83
00:04:58,098 --> 00:05:00,499
Do you wanna...
84
00:05:00,500 --> 00:05:05,170
You know, do it again?
85
00:05:06,306 --> 00:05:07,973
Just for future reference,
86
00:05:07,974 --> 00:05:10,376
You never have
to ask that question.
87
00:05:22,489 --> 00:05:24,123
I think that's him.
Who?
88
00:05:24,124 --> 00:05:25,357
The health inspector.
89
00:05:25,358 --> 00:05:27,092
Remember?
I heard he's coming by today.
90
00:05:27,093 --> 00:05:28,894
That's gotta be him.
91
00:05:28,895 --> 00:05:31,363
Let me handle this.
92
00:05:34,467 --> 00:05:37,436
Hi there.
93
00:05:37,437 --> 00:05:39,672
Look, we could play
a lot of games,
94
00:05:39,673 --> 00:05:41,473
We could do a little dance,
95
00:05:41,474 --> 00:05:44,076
But we're both adults.
96
00:05:44,077 --> 00:05:46,712
And we both know you're
the health inspector.
97
00:05:48,548 --> 00:05:50,049
God, what gave it away?
98
00:05:50,050 --> 00:05:52,184
This is my first week.
Is it the suit?
99
00:05:52,185 --> 00:05:54,453
You're far too upscale.
100
00:05:54,454 --> 00:05:57,423
And you don't look like
you eat loose meat too often.
101
00:05:57,424 --> 00:05:59,992
Not with that hard body.
102
00:05:59,993 --> 00:06:03,362
Man, this job has its perks.
103
00:06:04,964 --> 00:06:08,467
Whoo, it's getting
a little hot in here.
104
00:06:08,468 --> 00:06:11,236
Maybe I should take off my 50.
105
00:06:12,706 --> 00:06:16,809
You just passed inspection,
and so did your restaurant.
106
00:06:19,946 --> 00:06:21,980
No problem.
107
00:06:21,981 --> 00:06:25,384
Hey, Jim, how's the shoe
business treating you?
108
00:06:25,385 --> 00:06:26,318
Starting to pick up.
109
00:06:32,726 --> 00:06:35,127
So, any of these slobs
the health inspector?
110
00:06:35,128 --> 00:06:37,863
Apparently not.
111
00:06:37,864 --> 00:06:39,765
Good, I hate
these damn hair nets.
112
00:06:39,766 --> 00:06:42,301
I say if I want
to get food into my hair,
113
00:06:42,302 --> 00:06:43,469
It's my own damn business.
114
00:06:43,470 --> 00:06:44,837
Let me help you with this.
115
00:06:44,838 --> 00:06:47,106
Oh, Dan, would you please
go to your job interview.
116
00:06:47,107 --> 00:06:48,173
You're driving me nuts.
117
00:06:48,174 --> 00:06:50,209
Well, I just want
to be here for ya.
118
00:06:50,210 --> 00:06:53,078
Look, Dan, we both wish
you hadn't slammed a door
119
00:06:53,079 --> 00:06:55,714
Into my face causing me major
and unbelievable pain,
120
00:06:55,715 --> 00:06:59,485
But you've just got to
put it behind you like I have.
121
00:06:59,486 --> 00:07:01,186
You get your new tooth?
122
00:07:01,187 --> 00:07:02,521
Uh-huh.
123
00:07:02,522 --> 00:07:04,523
Thank god you got that fixed,
'cause I gotta tell ya,
124
00:07:04,524 --> 00:07:06,625
That was starting
to gross me out.
125
00:07:06,626 --> 00:07:08,594
So you wanna see it?
Yeah.
126
00:07:08,595 --> 00:07:11,330
[laughing]
127
00:07:11,331 --> 00:07:15,601
Why didn't--why didn't
you get it fixed?
128
00:07:15,602 --> 00:07:18,570
No insurance.
A new tooth would have
set us back $1,500.
129
00:07:18,571 --> 00:07:19,938
Well, you go
to a dental college,
130
00:07:19,939 --> 00:07:21,106
Have a student
work on it.
131
00:07:21,107 --> 00:07:23,075
Yeah, but with my luck
i'd get somebody
132
00:07:23,076 --> 00:07:25,944
Who's there on
a football scholarship.
133
00:07:25,945 --> 00:07:29,415
Fine, put a chiclet in there.
I'm just trying to help.
134
00:07:31,117 --> 00:07:32,985
I'd better go.
135
00:07:32,986 --> 00:07:36,388
All right, now remember,
Dan, when you meet the boss,
136
00:07:36,389 --> 00:07:39,758
Head high, shoulders back,
lips on butt.
137
00:07:41,895 --> 00:07:43,495
That's right.
138
00:07:43,496 --> 00:07:46,331
I was doing lips back,
butt on shoulders.
139
00:07:52,372 --> 00:07:55,174
Well, well, well.
140
00:07:57,510 --> 00:07:59,578
Roseanne running
a restaurant.
141
00:07:59,579 --> 00:08:01,647
What next?
Me in the army?
142
00:08:08,521 --> 00:08:12,791
Well, Leon,
the boss from hell.
143
00:08:12,792 --> 00:08:14,626
You know,
the last time I saw you,
144
00:08:14,627 --> 00:08:18,564
You were stealing my tips
to pay for that hair weave.
145
00:08:19,699 --> 00:08:21,767
Last time I saw you,
you were standing there,
146
00:08:21,768 --> 00:08:23,602
Leaning on the counter,
doing nothing
147
00:08:23,603 --> 00:08:25,137
But sucking up
the oxygen.
148
00:08:25,138 --> 00:08:27,539
Ooh, deja vu!
149
00:08:29,275 --> 00:08:32,978
Well, I see you've finally
saved up enough for a part.
150
00:08:34,581 --> 00:08:37,182
Now, wait a minute,
something is different here.
151
00:08:37,183 --> 00:08:38,951
Have you lost weight?
152
00:08:38,952 --> 00:08:41,086
No.
153
00:08:41,087 --> 00:08:44,456
You've lost teeth!
154
00:08:44,457 --> 00:08:46,525
Ha-ha!
155
00:08:46,526 --> 00:08:49,361
Bumpkin works for you.
156
00:08:49,362 --> 00:08:52,097
So, what, Leon, are you here
looking for a job?
157
00:08:52,098 --> 00:08:53,932
'cause i'm sorry;
we have no openings
158
00:08:53,933 --> 00:08:56,335
For useless
corporate suck-ups.
159
00:08:57,671 --> 00:09:00,072
That's very funny coming
from a jack-o-lantern.
160
00:09:03,343 --> 00:09:05,911
But for your information,
Roseanne, i'm already
employed...
161
00:09:05,912 --> 00:09:09,214
[clears throat]
as a health inspector.
162
00:09:11,017 --> 00:09:13,886
You are jerkin' me,
right?
163
00:09:13,887 --> 00:09:16,488
Oh, how I have missed
that special way you have
164
00:09:16,489 --> 00:09:19,458
Of side-stepping
the english language.
165
00:09:19,459 --> 00:09:22,227
You know, I asked for this
assignment specifically,
Roseanne.
166
00:09:22,228 --> 00:09:24,463
But at first
I was a little worried
167
00:09:24,464 --> 00:09:27,166
That my memory
of your slovenly habits
168
00:09:27,167 --> 00:09:31,270
And your room-temperature iq
might bias me,
169
00:09:31,271 --> 00:09:33,806
But then I thought,
"cool!"
170
00:09:33,807 --> 00:09:35,207
[laughing]
171
00:09:35,208 --> 00:09:37,576
I'll tell you what, Roseanne,
i'll give you 10 seconds
172
00:09:37,577 --> 00:09:39,878
To run around and sweep up
the roach droppings
173
00:09:39,879 --> 00:09:42,448
Into neat
and manageable piles.
174
00:09:44,551 --> 00:09:46,952
So, Leon, have we
ordered yet?
175
00:09:46,953 --> 00:09:47,986
No.
176
00:09:47,987 --> 00:09:49,788
Two loose-meats,
please.
177
00:09:49,789 --> 00:09:51,924
This is my supervisor,
Jeffrey.
178
00:09:51,925 --> 00:09:55,928
So, Leon, what did you
have to do to get this job?
179
00:09:55,929 --> 00:09:57,196
Just shut up.
180
00:09:57,197 --> 00:09:59,064
What? What? What?
181
00:09:59,065 --> 00:10:00,199
Don't say anything.
182
00:10:00,200 --> 00:10:02,434
You never let me
say anything.
183
00:10:02,435 --> 00:10:04,536
Am I smothering
you again?
184
00:10:09,275 --> 00:10:12,945
Oh, my god!
185
00:10:12,946 --> 00:10:15,314
What are you ashamed of?
We're in love.
186
00:10:19,686 --> 00:10:21,854
Just...Stop speaking,
Jeffrey.
187
00:10:21,855 --> 00:10:24,957
Well, so listen, junior,
you scratch my back
188
00:10:24,958 --> 00:10:28,293
And I won't tell
who's scratching yours.
189
00:10:28,294 --> 00:10:30,796
You got a deal.
190
00:10:30,797 --> 00:10:33,899
So, how'd you lose
the tooth, Roseanne?
191
00:10:35,168 --> 00:10:36,669
Darndest thing.
192
00:10:36,670 --> 00:10:38,937
Sittin' here this morning,
making up the meat, you know,
193
00:10:38,938 --> 00:10:40,706
And it just popped out.
194
00:10:40,707 --> 00:10:42,041
It's gotta be
in here somewhere.
195
00:10:56,322 --> 00:10:58,390
Jackie, can I talk
to you for a sec?
196
00:10:58,391 --> 00:11:00,025
Sure.
197
00:11:00,026 --> 00:11:05,297
You know, sooner or later,
they all come to jacks.
198
00:11:05,298 --> 00:11:07,132
That's 'cause you're
so young and hip.
199
00:11:07,133 --> 00:11:08,400
You get us kids.
200
00:11:08,401 --> 00:11:13,105
Well, I do speak the language
of today's youth.
201
00:11:13,106 --> 00:11:14,740
Never mind.
202
00:11:14,741 --> 00:11:17,343
No, come on!
Come back.
203
00:11:17,344 --> 00:11:18,344
I wanna help.
204
00:11:18,345 --> 00:11:20,145
Okay.
205
00:11:20,146 --> 00:11:22,481
David and I both applied
to the Chicago Art School
206
00:11:22,482 --> 00:11:23,682
For next semester.
207
00:11:23,683 --> 00:11:25,551
I sent a bunch
of my short stories,
208
00:11:25,552 --> 00:11:27,953
And he sent a bunch
of his drawings.
209
00:11:29,522 --> 00:11:31,924
You got accepted!
210
00:11:33,960 --> 00:11:36,462
What am I missing?
211
00:11:36,463 --> 00:11:38,163
David didn't get in.
212
00:11:38,164 --> 00:11:39,732
Oh, god.
213
00:11:39,733 --> 00:11:41,367
How's he taking it?
214
00:11:41,368 --> 00:11:43,402
He doesn't know.
Nobody knows.
215
00:11:43,403 --> 00:11:44,336
Nobody.
216
00:11:45,338 --> 00:11:46,705
Wow.
217
00:11:46,706 --> 00:11:48,540
Well, what are you
gonna say to her?
218
00:11:48,541 --> 00:11:50,843
I was thinking
of something like,
219
00:11:50,844 --> 00:11:52,578
"mom, Jackie wants
to talk to you."
220
00:11:52,579 --> 00:11:56,548
No, Darlene,
no, no, not me.
221
00:11:56,549 --> 00:11:58,250
Please, Jackie,
I was gonna run away,
222
00:11:58,251 --> 00:12:00,319
But I don't need rozilla
leveling Chicago
223
00:12:00,320 --> 00:12:01,286
Trying to find me.
224
00:12:02,355 --> 00:12:04,189
Darlene...
225
00:12:04,190 --> 00:12:05,557
I wouldn't ask this of you
226
00:12:05,558 --> 00:12:07,526
If it wasn't a really
big deal to me.
227
00:12:09,195 --> 00:12:11,463
All right,
i'll do it.
228
00:12:11,464 --> 00:12:12,798
[sighs]
229
00:12:12,799 --> 00:12:16,035
But when you're a famous writer,
I want you to dedicate
230
00:12:16,036 --> 00:12:19,672
Your first novel to your
incredibly brave aunt Jackie,
231
00:12:19,673 --> 00:12:22,641
Whose brutal death
made this book possible.
232
00:12:31,451 --> 00:12:33,752
Hey, Jackie, check out
my new mouth.
233
00:12:33,753 --> 00:12:34,753
Got your new tooth?
234
00:12:34,754 --> 00:12:36,288
Oh, it looks great,
Roseanne!
235
00:12:36,289 --> 00:12:38,190
Yeah, I figure white
goes with everything.
236
00:12:39,659 --> 00:12:41,827
You think it's
too white, though?
237
00:12:41,828 --> 00:12:44,329
Well, maybe I won't brush it
for a couple of days
238
00:12:44,330 --> 00:12:46,131
Till it matches
the other ones.
239
00:12:48,635 --> 00:12:51,136
We should celebrate;
let's eat some solids.
240
00:12:51,137 --> 00:12:53,138
Ooh, whoo!
241
00:12:53,139 --> 00:12:56,542
Yeah, she's back!
Maybe some nacho--
242
00:12:56,543 --> 00:12:59,678
No, no, no, right for
the potato chips there.
243
00:12:59,679 --> 00:13:01,814
All right,
drum roll, please.
244
00:13:03,616 --> 00:13:05,551
Yes!
245
00:13:05,552 --> 00:13:08,020
Got any pop bottles
you need opened?
246
00:13:08,021 --> 00:13:09,021
What's in the bag?
247
00:13:09,022 --> 00:13:11,256
No, no, no, no.
248
00:13:11,257 --> 00:13:13,992
Well, I was gonna wait till
you moved into your own place,
249
00:13:13,993 --> 00:13:16,562
But I stopped off
on the way and I got you
250
00:13:16,563 --> 00:13:18,630
These really cool wine glasses
that you wanted.
251
00:13:18,631 --> 00:13:20,265
Oh, Roseanne!
252
00:13:20,266 --> 00:13:22,234
Those weren't
even on sale.
253
00:13:22,235 --> 00:13:24,103
Yeah, I must have
still been real high
254
00:13:24,104 --> 00:13:25,938
From all the gas
they gave me.
255
00:13:25,939 --> 00:13:27,940
How high are you?
256
00:13:27,941 --> 00:13:31,577
'cause I...
Sorta got some news.
257
00:13:31,578 --> 00:13:33,612
What?
258
00:13:33,613 --> 00:13:35,147
Put down
the bag first.
259
00:13:36,783 --> 00:13:38,150
Why?
Roseanne.
260
00:13:38,151 --> 00:13:40,019
Why, Jackie?
Why do I have to
put down the bag?
261
00:13:40,020 --> 00:13:42,521
'cause there's something
that I have to tell you
262
00:13:42,522 --> 00:13:46,291
Which, although it may not
sound like it, is good news.
263
00:13:46,292 --> 00:13:47,292
It's really, really good.
264
00:13:47,293 --> 00:13:48,827
Uh-huh.
265
00:13:48,828 --> 00:13:52,164
But there is a chance
that just for a split second
266
00:13:52,165 --> 00:13:56,101
You may not find the news good,
so please put down the bag.
267
00:13:59,839 --> 00:14:04,410
Darlene got accepted into this
really great writing program
268
00:14:04,411 --> 00:14:08,514
At an art school in Chicago
and she wants to go.
269
00:14:08,515 --> 00:14:09,982
[glass breaking]
270
00:14:11,518 --> 00:14:13,419
Take a deep breath
and count to 10.
271
00:14:13,420 --> 00:14:15,254
I can't count to 10.
272
00:14:15,255 --> 00:14:16,722
My head's gonna
explode at six.
273
00:14:16,723 --> 00:14:18,691
Roseanne, try
and be reasonable.
274
00:14:18,692 --> 00:14:20,092
No, i'm not gonna
be reasonable.
275
00:14:20,093 --> 00:14:21,760
She brought this up to me
two months ago
276
00:14:21,761 --> 00:14:23,762
And I told her there's no way
she's gettin' out of Lanford.
277
00:14:23,763 --> 00:14:25,497
Well, maybe you
should reconsider.
278
00:14:25,498 --> 00:14:27,833
Okay, i'll reconsider.
279
00:14:27,834 --> 00:14:29,535
There's no way she's getti''
out of her room.
280
00:14:29,536 --> 00:14:30,869
Oh, great, Roseanne,
don't bother
281
00:14:30,870 --> 00:14:32,237
To put any thought
behind it.
282
00:14:32,238 --> 00:14:34,940
You just go blow up at her in
your own special, psychotic way.
283
00:14:34,941 --> 00:14:36,608
Don't tell me what to do.
284
00:14:36,609 --> 00:14:38,711
You can't go screamin'
at Darlene!
285
00:14:38,712 --> 00:14:39,845
I sure can!
286
00:14:39,846 --> 00:14:41,380
If I don't start
screaming at her,
287
00:14:41,381 --> 00:14:43,349
Then she won't have no idea
why she's getting strangled!
288
00:14:45,485 --> 00:14:47,519
[glass breaking]
289
00:14:54,227 --> 00:14:56,095
Darlene, yeah.
290
00:14:56,096 --> 00:15:00,032
I told her and I think
it went pretty well.
291
00:15:00,033 --> 00:15:02,868
You might want to
get out of the house.
292
00:15:02,869 --> 00:15:04,803
Now!
293
00:15:12,112 --> 00:15:13,612
Roseanne, you up here?
294
00:15:16,549 --> 00:15:18,584
Did you talk to Darlene?
295
00:15:18,585 --> 00:15:19,585
She wasn't here.
296
00:15:19,586 --> 00:15:22,054
Oh, Roseanne.
297
00:15:25,392 --> 00:15:28,360
Jackie, why do all my kids
want to leave me so bad?
298
00:15:28,361 --> 00:15:30,996
Oh, no.
Don't cry.
299
00:15:30,997 --> 00:15:33,766
I'm a lousy mother,
aren't I, Jackie?
300
00:15:33,767 --> 00:15:35,000
No.
301
00:15:35,001 --> 00:15:36,902
You're a great mother.
302
00:15:36,903 --> 00:15:39,605
You're loving and protective.
303
00:15:39,606 --> 00:15:42,174
You're like one
of those mother lions
304
00:15:42,175 --> 00:15:45,678
In the nature films that
carries her babies around
305
00:15:45,679 --> 00:15:47,146
By the back of the neck.
306
00:15:47,147 --> 00:15:49,615
'cept sometimes you
get a little rough,
307
00:15:49,616 --> 00:15:53,018
And you rip their heads off.
308
00:15:56,156 --> 00:15:58,257
Darlene can't leave!
309
00:15:58,258 --> 00:16:01,293
I don't even got the suitcases
back from Becky yet.
310
00:16:01,294 --> 00:16:03,796
But this isn't like Becky.
311
00:16:03,797 --> 00:16:05,297
Darlene's not running
away from you.
312
00:16:05,298 --> 00:16:07,232
She's running
towards something.
313
00:16:07,233 --> 00:16:10,235
She wants a better future.
314
00:16:12,472 --> 00:16:14,273
I guess so.
315
00:16:14,274 --> 00:16:15,474
[sniffs]
316
00:16:24,984 --> 00:16:27,086
I know it's rough,
317
00:16:27,087 --> 00:16:30,389
But you know there's
a lot worse things
318
00:16:30,390 --> 00:16:32,424
Than having
your kids leave ya.
319
00:16:32,425 --> 00:16:35,961
You suppose this is what mom
felt like when we moved out?
320
00:16:35,962 --> 00:16:39,098
I don't know.
I'm still living with her.
321
00:16:42,135 --> 00:16:43,769
I guess there
are worse things.
322
00:16:43,770 --> 00:16:44,703
Yeah.
323
00:16:46,673 --> 00:16:48,841
Eww!
You're grossing me out!
324
00:16:48,842 --> 00:16:51,443
Well, you rubbed
your nose on me.
325
00:16:51,444 --> 00:16:53,245
Well, don't try
to clean me up.
326
00:16:53,246 --> 00:16:54,847
I'm not even done crying.
327
00:16:54,848 --> 00:16:57,016
Look, you raised
a great kid.
328
00:16:57,017 --> 00:16:59,918
She's talented and
smart and independent.
329
00:16:59,919 --> 00:17:02,154
One who can make
it on her own.
330
00:17:02,155 --> 00:17:04,256
Great.
331
00:17:04,257 --> 00:17:08,060
Tell me what I did wrong
so I don't do it again.
332
00:17:18,438 --> 00:17:20,239
Is it safe to come in?
333
00:17:20,240 --> 00:17:21,440
Safe as ever.
334
00:17:21,441 --> 00:17:23,242
She has agreed to sit down
and talk about it,
335
00:17:23,243 --> 00:17:25,310
Which means we've already
won half the battle.
336
00:17:25,311 --> 00:17:28,247
'course the second half is
the real bloody, dangerous part.
337
00:17:28,248 --> 00:17:29,948
Roseanne?
338
00:17:35,255 --> 00:17:36,822
Hey.
339
00:17:36,823 --> 00:17:37,823
Hey.
340
00:17:37,824 --> 00:17:40,426
Darlene, would
you like to...
341
00:17:40,427 --> 00:17:42,761
Begin?
342
00:17:49,202 --> 00:17:51,136
I know you don't
want me to do this,
343
00:17:51,137 --> 00:17:52,705
But it was a whole
different thing
344
00:17:52,706 --> 00:17:54,273
When we were talking
about New York.
345
00:17:54,274 --> 00:17:56,075
Chicago's only, like,
two hours away.
346
00:17:56,076 --> 00:17:58,944
Yeah, that would be
a much quicker trip
347
00:17:58,945 --> 00:18:00,946
To identify the body.
348
00:18:00,947 --> 00:18:04,016
Your mother is now using
humor to help us through this,
349
00:18:04,017 --> 00:18:05,884
And we thank her for that.
350
00:18:09,055 --> 00:18:10,789
I got a scholarship
for tuition,
351
00:18:10,790 --> 00:18:12,925
And the school says I
could live at the dorm
352
00:18:12,926 --> 00:18:15,227
And work at the bookstore
to pay for meals and books.
353
00:18:15,228 --> 00:18:18,364
See how she's got everything
all figured out, Roseanne?
354
00:18:18,365 --> 00:18:20,966
And now, Darlene,
your mother will consider it.
355
00:18:20,967 --> 00:18:26,205
I'm sorry, but you're too young.
The answer is no.
356
00:18:26,206 --> 00:18:29,508
I think you have a little
more considering time
357
00:18:29,509 --> 00:18:32,344
Allotted to you.
358
00:18:32,345 --> 00:18:35,314
Jackie, you've been so very
helpful here in the kitchen,
359
00:18:35,315 --> 00:18:37,816
But, you know, I think
you'd be even more useful
360
00:18:37,817 --> 00:18:39,284
Standing out
in the front yard
361
00:18:39,285 --> 00:18:42,388
Staring directly
into the sun.
362
00:18:42,389 --> 00:18:44,323
Your mother is no
longer using humor.
363
00:18:44,324 --> 00:18:46,258
Now she's just being mean.
364
00:18:47,527 --> 00:18:49,194
Why did I even bother?
365
00:18:49,195 --> 00:18:51,330
Beats the hell out of me.
366
00:18:51,331 --> 00:18:54,299
You know, do you ever
think about my future?
367
00:18:54,300 --> 00:18:55,868
I don't get this.
I thought parents
368
00:18:55,869 --> 00:18:58,303
Wanted their kids to be
more successful than them.
369
00:18:58,304 --> 00:18:59,938
Well, of course
your father and I
370
00:18:59,939 --> 00:19:01,306
Want you to do
better than us.
371
00:19:01,307 --> 00:19:03,242
Why do you think
we spent our whole lives
372
00:19:03,243 --> 00:19:05,377
Setting such
a low standard?
373
00:19:05,378 --> 00:19:08,447
Look, you know, I was
really hoping that you
374
00:19:08,448 --> 00:19:11,250
Would understand how important
this is to me, but to be honest,
it doesn't matter.
375
00:19:11,251 --> 00:19:14,620
I don't care what you say.
I'm going to Chicago
whether you like it or not.
376
00:19:14,621 --> 00:19:16,622
Well, good, you try
going to Chicago, Darlene,
377
00:19:16,623 --> 00:19:18,791
And i'll sic the cops on ya.
378
00:19:18,792 --> 00:19:21,293
That is exactly what
I would expect from you.
379
00:19:21,294 --> 00:19:22,528
Hey.
380
00:19:23,697 --> 00:19:25,264
Can we talk
about this later?
381
00:19:25,265 --> 00:19:26,965
No, let's talk
about it right now.
382
00:19:26,966 --> 00:19:28,233
What's going on?
383
00:19:28,234 --> 00:19:30,436
Oh, don't pretend
like you don't know.
384
00:19:30,437 --> 00:19:33,372
Mark takes Becky and
then you take Darlene.
385
00:19:33,373 --> 00:19:36,875
You got another healy brother
coming over to take my stereo?
386
00:19:38,812 --> 00:19:40,746
What's she talking about?
387
00:19:43,149 --> 00:19:46,051
I got into chicago.
388
00:19:47,754 --> 00:19:49,621
You lied to me?
389
00:19:52,158 --> 00:19:53,726
Perfect.
390
00:19:53,727 --> 00:19:55,160
Hope you have fun.
391
00:19:56,563 --> 00:19:57,896
David.
392
00:20:04,104 --> 00:20:06,305
I'm sorry I lied to you.
393
00:20:06,306 --> 00:20:08,340
So you sleep with me,
and now you're leaving?
394
00:20:08,341 --> 00:20:10,609
What, were you just
using me for practice?
395
00:20:10,610 --> 00:20:12,277
Yeah, that's exactly it.
396
00:20:12,278 --> 00:20:14,847
I think i'm ready
for the regionals now.
397
00:20:17,283 --> 00:20:20,252
You didn't even tell me.
398
00:20:20,253 --> 00:20:22,321
Well, I wasn't gonna
go without you.
399
00:20:22,322 --> 00:20:24,890
Why don't you come with me
and reapply for next semester?
400
00:20:24,891 --> 00:20:26,258
Oh, great idea, Darlene.
401
00:20:26,259 --> 00:20:29,328
What happens if I go down there
and I don't get in again?
402
00:20:29,329 --> 00:20:30,662
Well, at least
we'll be together.
403
00:20:30,663 --> 00:20:32,398
I'll be meeting a lot
of important people.
404
00:20:32,399 --> 00:20:34,033
I'll be able to
introduce you to them.
405
00:20:35,502 --> 00:20:38,804
So what happens if I don't go?
What are you gonna do?
406
00:20:40,674 --> 00:20:45,277
This is like the most
important thing that's
ever happened to me.
407
00:20:45,278 --> 00:20:46,578
I can't turn it down.
408
00:20:48,615 --> 00:20:49,682
Fine.
409
00:20:49,683 --> 00:20:51,817
You just remember
you're leaving behind
410
00:20:51,818 --> 00:20:54,019
The guy who encouraged
you to go to art school.
411
00:20:54,020 --> 00:20:56,922
You're leaving behind the guy
you lost your virginity to.
412
00:20:56,923 --> 00:20:58,724
And you're leaving
him behind with
413
00:20:58,725 --> 00:21:00,993
Your two huge,
angry parents.
414
00:21:16,343 --> 00:21:17,476
[door opens]
415
00:21:17,477 --> 00:21:18,477
Hey.
416
00:21:18,478 --> 00:21:19,611
Let me see it.
417
00:21:19,612 --> 00:21:21,780
Let me see that
beautiful smile.
418
00:21:23,717 --> 00:21:28,120
Oh, you sure got
a purty mouth.
419
00:21:28,121 --> 00:21:29,755
How was dental college?
420
00:21:29,756 --> 00:21:31,056
Oh, it wasn't so good.
421
00:21:31,057 --> 00:21:33,225
I don't think I got
one of the best students.
422
00:21:33,226 --> 00:21:37,229
He actually asked me which one
of my teeth was missing.
423
00:21:37,230 --> 00:21:40,332
Well, next time,
you can go to a real dentist.
424
00:21:40,333 --> 00:21:42,201
Remember that
kooky scheme I had
425
00:21:42,202 --> 00:21:45,404
Where i'd go out every day
and perform work
in exchange for money?
426
00:21:45,405 --> 00:21:47,139
I pulled it off.
427
00:21:47,140 --> 00:21:49,842
[gasps]
I am so proud of you.
428
00:21:49,843 --> 00:21:53,512
My mom always wanted me
to marry an activities director.
429
00:21:53,513 --> 00:21:55,047
Show me your whistle.
430
00:21:56,116 --> 00:21:58,684
Later, if you're good.
431
00:21:58,685 --> 00:22:00,285
I didn't get that job.
432
00:22:00,286 --> 00:22:02,187
Got a job with the government.
433
00:22:02,188 --> 00:22:06,392
Cool.
Our government?
434
00:22:06,393 --> 00:22:09,828
Supervising guys
fixing trucks for the city.
435
00:22:09,829 --> 00:22:11,697
A job with the city?
436
00:22:11,698 --> 00:22:15,634
315 sick days a year
plus flag day?
437
00:22:17,737 --> 00:22:19,972
Good pay, medical insurance.
438
00:22:19,973 --> 00:22:22,207
And the best part is,
since it's civil service,
439
00:22:22,208 --> 00:22:25,644
No matter how much I screw up,
they can't fire me.
440
00:22:25,645 --> 00:22:27,646
Attaboy, Dan.
441
00:22:27,647 --> 00:22:30,315
But what about holding out
for your dream job?
442
00:22:30,316 --> 00:22:34,653
Honey, when I can't afford
to keep my wife in teeth,
443
00:22:34,654 --> 00:22:38,524
I know it's time
to become an adult.
444
00:22:38,525 --> 00:22:40,559
Now, how's it going?
445
00:22:40,560 --> 00:22:43,295
Well, actually...
446
00:22:43,296 --> 00:22:44,797
No, no.
447
00:22:44,798 --> 00:22:48,467
I don't want to hear
anything bad on my happy day.
448
00:22:48,468 --> 00:22:52,104
Well, Darlene got accepted
into this writing school
449
00:22:52,105 --> 00:22:53,639
Over there in Chicago.
450
00:22:53,640 --> 00:22:56,342
But it's my happy day.
451
00:22:56,343 --> 00:22:59,078
And she said she's gonna go
no matter what we say.
452
00:22:59,079 --> 00:23:03,115
Doesn't she know
it's my happy day?
453
00:23:03,116 --> 00:23:06,785
So I told her if she goes,
we're gonna sic the cops on her.
454
00:23:06,786 --> 00:23:09,788
Aw, man.
455
00:23:09,789 --> 00:23:13,492
This parenthood thing
doesn't look like it did
in the brochures.
456
00:23:26,806 --> 00:23:29,608
42338
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