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1
00:00:06,006 --> 00:00:08,540
Morning, Mrs. Conner.
2
00:00:08,541 --> 00:00:11,176
Hi, David.
Just get up?
3
00:00:11,177 --> 00:00:12,778
Uh-huh.
4
00:00:12,779 --> 00:00:15,080
Well, I guess sometimes
when you wake up,
5
00:00:15,081 --> 00:00:17,416
You still think you're
in your old house, huh?
6
00:00:17,417 --> 00:00:22,354
Must be hard to break out
of your old routine.
7
00:00:23,523 --> 00:00:25,491
Yeah, I guess.
8
00:00:25,492 --> 00:00:28,027
Mrs. Conner, these
are my underwear.
9
00:00:28,028 --> 00:00:29,395
You really don't
have to wash these.
10
00:00:29,396 --> 00:00:31,697
Hey, hey! It's just
laundry to me.
11
00:00:31,698 --> 00:00:35,034
I don't mind.
I'm a professional.
12
00:00:36,302 --> 00:00:39,138
I never want to
embarrass you, David.
13
00:00:39,139 --> 00:00:40,406
Thank you.
14
00:00:42,676 --> 00:00:44,076
Hey, Roseanne.
15
00:00:44,077 --> 00:00:45,577
Jackie, what
are you doing here?
16
00:00:45,578 --> 00:00:47,813
You're supposed to
be out buying me
an anniversary present.
17
00:00:47,814 --> 00:00:49,715
I'm still looking.
18
00:00:49,716 --> 00:00:52,051
I want to be sure
I get you something
you've always wanted.
19
00:00:52,052 --> 00:00:56,155
Can you get me
into the witness
relocation program?
20
00:00:56,156 --> 00:00:59,425
Trust me. I will get
you something nice.
21
00:00:59,426 --> 00:01:02,261
I mean, 20 years,
that's a biggie.
22
00:01:02,262 --> 00:01:03,896
David, did you know--
23
00:01:03,897 --> 00:01:08,000
No, Jackie, he doesn't
know what we want for
our anniversary.
24
00:01:08,001 --> 00:01:09,735
Oh, okay. Oh.
25
00:01:09,736 --> 00:01:13,772
'cause I thought maybe
something might just
pop out of his head.
26
00:01:13,773 --> 00:01:15,607
What?
Nothing.
27
00:01:15,608 --> 00:01:17,810
What do you got planned
for the big event?
28
00:01:17,811 --> 00:01:20,079
Oh, it's gonna be
so great.
29
00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:22,214
We're gonna go all out
this time, you know?
30
00:01:22,215 --> 00:01:26,819
We're starting with
a really romantic prime
rib dinner and everything,
31
00:01:26,820 --> 00:01:28,854
Because, you know,
the 20th anniversary
32
00:01:28,855 --> 00:01:32,024
Is the red meat
and liquor anniversary.
33
00:01:34,928 --> 00:01:37,196
Do you know what
you're getting him yet?
34
00:01:37,197 --> 00:01:41,166
Well, it's kind of hard
to surprise him with a gift
35
00:01:41,167 --> 00:01:43,035
When I give him a gift
every single day.
36
00:01:43,036 --> 00:01:45,871
You know,
the magic that is me.
37
00:01:45,872 --> 00:01:49,975
Oh, yeah. We keep
waiting for you to
run out of that.
38
00:01:49,976 --> 00:01:55,047
Anyway, I did have
this one idea for a gift.
39
00:01:55,048 --> 00:01:56,782
I don't know. It's
kind of embarrassing.
40
00:01:56,783 --> 00:02:00,019
Oh, come on!
Embarrassing is good.
41
00:02:00,020 --> 00:02:01,854
Okay. Well...
42
00:02:01,855 --> 00:02:05,290
You know how, like,
this year i'm kind
of thinner,
43
00:02:05,291 --> 00:02:07,659
You know, on account
of when I lost
my appetite
44
00:02:07,660 --> 00:02:09,428
Working around food
all the time...
45
00:02:09,429 --> 00:02:11,030
And you and mom?
46
00:02:11,031 --> 00:02:14,333
And so I thought
47
00:02:14,334 --> 00:02:17,036
I'd get one of those
boudoir photos, you know?
48
00:02:17,037 --> 00:02:19,004
Is that
completely nuts?
[gasps]
49
00:02:19,005 --> 00:02:21,306
No, that's great.
I just thought
they cost too much.
50
00:02:21,307 --> 00:02:23,042
No. I've been doing
real good at saving
my money,
51
00:02:23,043 --> 00:02:24,677
And i've been stealing
your tips.
52
00:02:26,846 --> 00:02:28,647
His own private
centerfold.
53
00:02:28,648 --> 00:02:31,050
Dan must have been
a very good boy
this year.
54
00:02:31,051 --> 00:02:35,154
Well, you know,
he's been with the company
for 20 years now.
55
00:02:35,155 --> 00:02:39,091
And this is kind of like
his gold watch, you know.
56
00:02:39,092 --> 00:02:41,960
Plus, it'll get him
all hot and everything.
57
00:02:41,961 --> 00:02:43,962
Ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha!
58
00:02:43,963 --> 00:02:47,900
Excuse me. Do you guys
know i'm here?
59
00:02:47,901 --> 00:02:50,169
Jeez, David,
I didn't know
60
00:02:50,170 --> 00:02:51,570
You were such
a sensitive kid.
61
00:02:51,571 --> 00:02:53,272
Well, he sure is,
Jackie,
62
00:02:53,273 --> 00:02:54,473
And you've
embarrassed him.
63
00:02:54,474 --> 00:02:57,309
Just look at his face.
64
00:02:57,310 --> 00:03:00,846
Nice camouflage,
zit boy.
65
00:03:02,248 --> 00:03:04,049
Oh, god.
66
00:04:13,486 --> 00:04:14,920
Ha ha ha ha ha!
67
00:04:21,361 --> 00:04:23,162
Hey, what you doing?
68
00:04:23,163 --> 00:04:25,330
I'm wrapping
your present from D.J.
69
00:04:25,331 --> 00:04:26,732
Awesome.
What'd he get us?
70
00:04:26,733 --> 00:04:28,067
Well, if I tell you that,
71
00:04:28,068 --> 00:04:29,535
Then you might tell D.J.,
72
00:04:29,536 --> 00:04:31,837
And then he wouldn't
be surprised.
73
00:04:31,838 --> 00:04:34,540
This is something that
you can open now.
74
00:04:35,742 --> 00:04:38,777
Hey! A gift certificate
75
00:04:38,778 --> 00:04:40,779
To Maury's Big and Tall.
76
00:04:40,780 --> 00:04:42,014
So you can get
a new sportcoat
77
00:04:42,015 --> 00:04:43,115
For your
anniversary dinner.
78
00:04:43,116 --> 00:04:46,251
Heh! A man
with 2 jackets.
79
00:04:46,252 --> 00:04:48,554
I'll be the talk
of the town.
80
00:04:48,555 --> 00:04:49,855
I don't know
how to thank you
81
00:04:49,856 --> 00:04:52,091
Except to ask you to
wrap Rosie's present
for me.
82
00:04:52,092 --> 00:04:54,326
Oh, let me see.
Oh, Dan!
83
00:04:54,327 --> 00:04:55,294
[gasps]
84
00:04:55,295 --> 00:04:58,497
A shoe rack!
85
00:05:01,301 --> 00:05:03,035
What do you think?
86
00:05:03,036 --> 00:05:07,439
She is not gonna be
expecting this.
87
00:05:07,440 --> 00:05:11,410
It is a good present,
Dan. Good, good, good.
88
00:05:11,411 --> 00:05:13,979
Really good.
89
00:05:13,980 --> 00:05:15,948
It's bad, Dan.
A bad present.
90
00:05:15,949 --> 00:05:17,216
It's really bad.
91
00:05:17,217 --> 00:05:18,384
What's wrong with it?
Dan, I shouldn't even
92
00:05:18,385 --> 00:05:19,518
Be telling you this.
93
00:05:19,519 --> 00:05:21,353
She is spending so much
money on you this year.
94
00:05:21,354 --> 00:05:22,488
Oh, man!
95
00:05:22,489 --> 00:05:23,555
She's just doing it
96
00:05:23,556 --> 00:05:24,790
'cause she loves you, Dan.
97
00:05:24,791 --> 00:05:25,924
Oh, sure, she says that,
98
00:05:25,925 --> 00:05:27,593
But she knows I don't
have any money
99
00:05:27,594 --> 00:05:29,495
To buy her anything nice.
100
00:05:29,496 --> 00:05:31,497
If she really loved me,
she'd buy me crap.
101
00:05:31,498 --> 00:05:32,598
This is love!
102
00:05:32,599 --> 00:05:35,467
Oh, Dan,
she knows you're broke,
103
00:05:35,468 --> 00:05:38,337
But you could
at least get her
something thoughtful.
104
00:05:38,338 --> 00:05:40,005
Don't you think
I wanted to?
105
00:05:40,006 --> 00:05:41,907
This was always
second on my list.
106
00:05:41,908 --> 00:05:45,210
Anything but a shoe rack.
Shoe rack.
107
00:05:45,211 --> 00:05:47,746
Don't think practical,
Dan. Think romantic.
108
00:05:47,747 --> 00:05:49,348
I know you're
no good at it,
109
00:05:49,349 --> 00:05:50,349
But it's
not your fault.
110
00:05:50,350 --> 00:05:52,484
You're a man.
111
00:05:52,485 --> 00:05:55,421
Probably why my shoes
don't match my bag.
112
00:06:07,400 --> 00:06:09,535
We've been shopping
all day.
113
00:06:09,536 --> 00:06:12,071
Why don't you
just get mom that
big Crystal thing?
114
00:06:12,072 --> 00:06:14,206
'cause it costs
too much, Deej.
115
00:06:14,207 --> 00:06:16,675
Everything
costs too much.
116
00:06:16,676 --> 00:06:18,711
There's a valuable lesson
to be learned here, son,
117
00:06:18,712 --> 00:06:21,680
And I think you can
profit from it.
118
00:06:21,681 --> 00:06:24,283
Daddy's in big trouble.
119
00:06:24,284 --> 00:06:26,285
Big, big trouble.
120
00:06:28,154 --> 00:06:29,855
Come on, let's
give it up for a while.
121
00:06:29,856 --> 00:06:33,125
I want to go
use aunt jackie's
gift certificate.
122
00:06:33,126 --> 00:06:37,162
Do we have to go in
the big and fat store?
123
00:06:37,163 --> 00:06:39,798
Big and tall, Deej.
124
00:06:44,771 --> 00:06:47,539
Hey, what do you think?
125
00:06:47,540 --> 00:06:49,041
I like it.
Let's go.
126
00:06:49,042 --> 00:06:53,078
No. Not the right size.
127
00:06:53,079 --> 00:06:55,848
I like it.
Let's go.
128
00:06:55,849 --> 00:06:57,583
Nice try, Deej.
129
00:06:57,584 --> 00:06:59,818
Why don't you go
join those other
kids over there
130
00:06:59,819 --> 00:07:02,087
Playing in
that pant leg.
131
00:07:02,088 --> 00:07:03,455
Okay.
132
00:07:07,560 --> 00:07:09,595
That jacket looks
just great on you, sir.
133
00:07:09,596 --> 00:07:11,430
You know, black
is very slimming.
134
00:07:11,431 --> 00:07:13,198
I'm not here
'cause i'm big.
135
00:07:13,199 --> 00:07:14,633
I'm here
'cause i'm tall.
136
00:07:14,634 --> 00:07:16,669
Oh, I see.
137
00:07:16,670 --> 00:07:20,506
Then that jacket
makes you look very short.
138
00:07:20,507 --> 00:07:23,008
So, what do you think?
139
00:07:23,009 --> 00:07:24,643
Under 100 bucks?
Sold.
140
00:07:26,446 --> 00:07:28,080
I'll just take a minute
and pin these up,
141
00:07:28,081 --> 00:07:29,515
And you'll be
out of here in a sec.
142
00:07:29,516 --> 00:07:31,884
Man, you guys do
a great business here.
143
00:07:31,885 --> 00:07:33,519
Oh, yeah.
144
00:07:33,520 --> 00:07:35,554
Well, the recession's
still on,
145
00:07:35,555 --> 00:07:40,926
But I think that
fitness craze is finally
starting to pass.
146
00:07:40,927 --> 00:07:42,361
I'm actually shorthanded.
147
00:07:42,362 --> 00:07:45,464
Oh, yeah?
You hiring?
148
00:07:45,465 --> 00:07:47,032
Why? Are you
interested?
149
00:07:47,033 --> 00:07:48,334
Well, I gotta tell you,
150
00:07:48,335 --> 00:07:49,935
It's always been
kind of a dream of mine
151
00:07:49,936 --> 00:07:51,804
To work in a place
like this.
152
00:07:51,805 --> 00:07:56,241
I mean, i'm big,
so I know how hard it
is to buy big clothes,
153
00:07:56,242 --> 00:08:01,580
And i've always wanted
to help the large
be better dressed.
154
00:08:01,581 --> 00:08:03,549
Well, then this
probably isn't for you,
155
00:08:03,550 --> 00:08:05,351
Because i'm only looking
for someone till June.
156
00:08:05,352 --> 00:08:06,618
Perfect. Because
i'd shoot myself
157
00:08:06,619 --> 00:08:08,620
If I had to work here
longer than 3 months.
158
00:08:10,357 --> 00:08:12,858
I just need some
bucks to buy my wife
an anniversary present.
159
00:08:12,859 --> 00:08:16,195
Can you do it
on minimum wage
plus 15% commission?
160
00:08:16,196 --> 00:08:17,196
Sold.
161
00:08:17,197 --> 00:08:19,598
Terrific!
Jim Ackerman.
162
00:08:19,599 --> 00:08:20,632
Dan conner.
163
00:08:20,633 --> 00:08:22,368
Thanks. This is
great, jim.
164
00:08:22,369 --> 00:08:26,372
Hey, dad, look!
I can get this belt
around me three times!
165
00:08:26,373 --> 00:08:28,640
You know, that's not
very sensitive, Deej.
166
00:08:28,641 --> 00:08:31,543
The person who has to
wear that belt wouldn't
appreciate it.
167
00:08:31,544 --> 00:08:34,313
Go run and put it back.
168
00:08:34,314 --> 00:08:35,714
That's just great!
169
00:08:35,715 --> 00:08:37,182
That's just the
attitude you need
170
00:08:37,183 --> 00:08:38,183
To work
around here, Dan!
171
00:08:38,184 --> 00:08:39,385
Thanks.
172
00:08:39,386 --> 00:08:41,954
So, jim,
about our customers,
173
00:08:41,955 --> 00:08:45,991
Who's like the biggest,
fattest guy you've
ever seen?
174
00:08:53,767 --> 00:08:55,601
So, are you sure
it's not in there?
175
00:08:55,602 --> 00:08:58,203
I'm positive. There is
no wedding ring in here.
176
00:08:58,204 --> 00:09:00,105
Now stop and think.
177
00:09:00,106 --> 00:09:02,441
Have you retraced
your steps for
the last two days?
178
00:09:02,442 --> 00:09:04,877
Well, let's see.
I went from home to work,
179
00:09:04,878 --> 00:09:06,845
Work to home,
home to work,
180
00:09:06,846 --> 00:09:08,113
The opera...
181
00:09:08,114 --> 00:09:10,549
Work to home,
home to work.
182
00:09:10,550 --> 00:09:14,119
All right.
We just gotta keep
looking for it.
183
00:09:14,120 --> 00:09:16,088
But we gotta get
out of here soon
184
00:09:16,089 --> 00:09:19,024
If we want to get to
that Boudoir Photo
place by 3:00.
185
00:09:19,025 --> 00:09:21,560
Jackie, I can't
take a slutty-looking
picture
186
00:09:21,561 --> 00:09:22,594
Without my wedding ring.
187
00:09:22,595 --> 00:09:24,663
I'll look cheap.
188
00:09:26,966 --> 00:09:30,069
Rosie, I searched
all through the closet
and I couldn't find it.
189
00:09:30,070 --> 00:09:31,704
Well, it's a wonder
you can find anything
in that closet,
190
00:09:31,705 --> 00:09:33,605
With all them shoes
cluttering everything up.
191
00:09:37,010 --> 00:09:39,044
Don't worry about it,
honey.
192
00:09:39,045 --> 00:09:40,312
You know when
you find stuff?
193
00:09:40,313 --> 00:09:41,380
When you stop
looking for it.
194
00:09:41,381 --> 00:09:42,448
[gasps]
195
00:09:42,449 --> 00:09:44,316
I'm gonna sit here,
read this newspaper,
196
00:09:44,317 --> 00:09:47,052
And you watch how
fast it shows up.
197
00:09:47,053 --> 00:09:49,988
Don't you care that
I lost my wedding ring?
198
00:09:49,989 --> 00:09:53,092
Come on, Roseanne. I pulled
double shift all week.
199
00:09:53,093 --> 00:09:54,493
I'm exhausted.
200
00:09:54,494 --> 00:09:56,595
Well, fine.
I'm gonna go look
in the living room again,
201
00:09:56,596 --> 00:09:57,930
And if I don't
find it in there,
202
00:09:57,931 --> 00:09:59,765
I'm getting D.J.
x-rayed.
203
00:09:59,766 --> 00:10:03,369
Did you try
the vacuum bag?
204
00:10:03,370 --> 00:10:04,703
The vacuum bag?
205
00:10:04,704 --> 00:10:07,873
How the hell would it
get into the vacuum bag?
206
00:10:07,874 --> 00:10:11,110
Psst! Psst, psst!
I got the ring.
207
00:10:11,111 --> 00:10:13,078
What? What are you,
out of your mind?
208
00:10:13,079 --> 00:10:14,913
You're driving her crazy,
running around like that.
209
00:10:14,914 --> 00:10:16,849
What do you think
you're do--[gasps]
210
00:10:16,850 --> 00:10:20,953
Oh, Dan,
that is gorgeous!
Shh!
211
00:10:20,954 --> 00:10:22,788
I stole it from her
when she was doing
the dishes
212
00:10:22,789 --> 00:10:24,089
And took it
to her jeweler.
213
00:10:24,090 --> 00:10:26,925
See? I had them
put on that extra band
with a diamond,
214
00:10:26,926 --> 00:10:29,395
And those three little
garnets represent
each one of the kids.
215
00:10:29,396 --> 00:10:31,630
Dan.
216
00:10:31,631 --> 00:10:33,832
[Roseanne]
hey, I don't hear you
guys looking in there.
217
00:10:33,833 --> 00:10:35,267
Get off my back, woman!
218
00:10:35,268 --> 00:10:36,435
[rattles drawer]
219
00:10:36,436 --> 00:10:39,204
Oh, it's beautiful.
How'd you swing that?
220
00:10:39,205 --> 00:10:40,572
Oh, i'm paying for it
in installments,
221
00:10:40,573 --> 00:10:42,241
So by our
110th anniversary,
222
00:10:42,242 --> 00:10:44,576
She'll own it outright.
223
00:10:44,577 --> 00:10:47,046
She is gonna be
blown away by that,
224
00:10:47,047 --> 00:10:48,647
But you can't let her
keep looking for it.
225
00:10:48,648 --> 00:10:49,882
She's going nuts.
226
00:10:49,883 --> 00:10:51,183
I know, but this is
the biggest surprise
227
00:10:51,184 --> 00:10:53,018
I ever tried to
pull off in my life.
228
00:10:53,019 --> 00:10:54,787
I can't give it to her
till Saturday.
229
00:10:54,788 --> 00:10:58,657
Well, I guess
I have to start
looking in here again.
230
00:11:01,728 --> 00:11:04,697
Oh! Rosie! Jackie!
Come here, quick!
231
00:11:04,698 --> 00:11:06,065
What? Did you find it?
232
00:11:06,066 --> 00:11:07,966
Yeah. I think
I see it down here
in the drain.
233
00:11:07,967 --> 00:11:10,402
I can see it!
I can see it!
234
00:11:10,403 --> 00:11:11,904
Well, maybe
I could see it
235
00:11:11,905 --> 00:11:14,973
If you'd move
your big head.
236
00:11:14,974 --> 00:11:19,678
Oh, there it is.
You're right.
That is my ring.
237
00:11:19,679 --> 00:11:21,180
Are you sure?
238
00:11:21,181 --> 00:11:24,783
Dan, I think I would
know if I saw my own
wedding ring, okay?
239
00:11:24,784 --> 00:11:26,352
Take that drain out!
240
00:11:26,353 --> 00:11:28,687
Roseanne,
that's a big job.
241
00:11:28,688 --> 00:11:30,689
I don't have
the right kind
of tools right now.
242
00:11:30,690 --> 00:11:33,092
Roseanne, I need you to
come with me right away
243
00:11:33,093 --> 00:11:34,560
And talk about
something personal,
244
00:11:34,561 --> 00:11:37,229
And I need to talk
about it somewhere else
245
00:11:37,230 --> 00:11:40,032
Before...3:00.
246
00:11:41,801 --> 00:11:43,802
Oh, yeah, okay.
247
00:11:43,803 --> 00:11:47,506
Well, you want to
talk to me, so okay.
248
00:11:47,507 --> 00:11:49,375
I'll go get my coat.
249
00:11:49,376 --> 00:11:52,044
[telephone rings]
250
00:11:53,113 --> 00:11:54,446
[ring]
251
00:11:54,447 --> 00:11:55,447
Hello.
252
00:11:55,448 --> 00:11:58,617
Yeah. Hey, jim.
How's it going?
253
00:11:58,618 --> 00:12:00,886
Oh, man, no. I can't
work Saturday night.
254
00:12:00,887 --> 00:12:03,956
It's my anniversary.
255
00:12:03,957 --> 00:12:07,292
Well, sure, I want
to keep it, but--
256
00:12:07,293 --> 00:12:09,628
No, i'll be there.
257
00:12:09,629 --> 00:12:12,965
No. Don't worry.
My wife will understand.
258
00:12:12,966 --> 00:12:15,634
Just one thing.
259
00:12:15,635 --> 00:12:17,369
Could you swing by
in a ski mask
260
00:12:17,370 --> 00:12:19,471
And drag me off
at gunpoint?
261
00:12:33,787 --> 00:12:35,721
No!
262
00:12:37,357 --> 00:12:39,625
Next!
Hold on.
263
00:12:39,626 --> 00:12:40,926
I got it. This--
264
00:12:40,927 --> 00:12:43,829
Dan would love this.
265
00:12:43,830 --> 00:12:45,230
A maid's uniform?
266
00:12:45,231 --> 00:12:47,933
This is supposed to be
fantasy, not reality.
267
00:12:49,436 --> 00:12:51,537
Don't worry.
I'll find something.
268
00:12:51,538 --> 00:12:54,006
Do you suppose those things
are like bowling shoes?
269
00:12:54,007 --> 00:12:56,775
You think they spray
them after every time?
270
00:12:56,776 --> 00:12:59,845
Here. Try this.
271
00:12:59,846 --> 00:13:03,649
Ooh, that's
really pretty. Ooh!
272
00:13:03,650 --> 00:13:07,353
Hey, how do I sneak these
out under my clothes?
273
00:13:07,354 --> 00:13:10,556
You don't have to.
They're yours.
Happy anniversary!
274
00:13:10,557 --> 00:13:13,192
Oh, thank you!
275
00:13:13,193 --> 00:13:15,461
God, it's so beautiful.
276
00:13:15,462 --> 00:13:18,897
Now i'll look like
the kind of hooker
you gotta save up for.
277
00:13:20,300 --> 00:13:22,601
Okay. Are we
about ready?
278
00:13:22,602 --> 00:13:24,136
Yeah. She's just getting
all trashed up.
279
00:13:24,137 --> 00:13:25,671
Good, good.
280
00:13:25,672 --> 00:13:30,876
So, Mrs. Conner,
are we gonna be using
any...Props today?
281
00:13:30,877 --> 00:13:33,312
Well, i've got a couple
midgets out in my car.
282
00:13:33,313 --> 00:13:35,080
What do you
mean by props?
283
00:13:35,081 --> 00:13:38,417
All right. Standard
bedroom set. Ho hum.
284
00:13:38,418 --> 00:13:40,486
Hey, Jackie,
what about you?
285
00:13:40,487 --> 00:13:43,722
I bet you your husband
would love to see you
in something like, uh...
286
00:13:43,723 --> 00:13:44,723
This.
287
00:13:44,724 --> 00:13:47,359
Well, don't have
a husband, bob,
288
00:13:47,360 --> 00:13:48,861
But thanks
for asking.
Oh.
289
00:13:48,862 --> 00:13:50,429
What about
your boyfriend?
290
00:13:50,430 --> 00:13:51,764
No. No boyfriend,
either.
291
00:13:51,765 --> 00:13:53,565
Cool.
292
00:13:55,635 --> 00:13:57,569
Roseanne, come on
out of there.
293
00:13:57,570 --> 00:13:59,204
Come on. I want to see
what you look like.
294
00:13:59,205 --> 00:14:00,339
I don't want to.
295
00:14:00,340 --> 00:14:02,241
What do you mean
you don't want to?
296
00:14:02,242 --> 00:14:04,510
This might not be
a good idea.
297
00:14:04,511 --> 00:14:05,911
What if
the negatives get out?
298
00:14:05,912 --> 00:14:07,413
I'll never be president.
299
00:14:07,414 --> 00:14:10,282
Roseanne,
come out here!
300
00:14:10,283 --> 00:14:13,752
Oh, I just don't think
this is a good idea.
301
00:14:13,753 --> 00:14:15,754
I should just take
this home and put it on
302
00:14:15,755 --> 00:14:17,690
And then Dan can
see me in it for real.
303
00:14:17,691 --> 00:14:21,326
But this way,
he gets to see it
whenever he wants.
304
00:14:21,327 --> 00:14:25,097
Trust me, Jackie.
He gets to see it
whenever he wants.
305
00:14:25,098 --> 00:14:27,766
Roseanne, just do it.
306
00:14:27,767 --> 00:14:29,768
Okay.
307
00:14:29,769 --> 00:14:31,870
Good. There. See?
308
00:14:31,871 --> 00:14:33,672
Oh, i'm really
proud of you.
309
00:14:33,673 --> 00:14:35,140
You're overcoming
your fears,
310
00:14:35,141 --> 00:14:37,376
And this is something
you'll always be glad
you did.
311
00:14:37,377 --> 00:14:38,377
Oh, yeah?
312
00:14:38,378 --> 00:14:40,112
I bet that old broad
in the cat suit
313
00:14:40,113 --> 00:14:42,848
Had second thoughts.
314
00:14:42,849 --> 00:14:45,117
Okay, Mrs. Conner,
whenever you're ready.
315
00:14:45,118 --> 00:14:47,753
I can't do it,
Jackie. I can't!
316
00:14:47,754 --> 00:14:48,954
You can do it!
317
00:14:48,955 --> 00:14:51,724
How important is this
anniversary to you?
Very.
318
00:14:51,725 --> 00:14:54,259
And who is the man
you love more than
anybody else in the world?
319
00:14:54,260 --> 00:14:55,494
Tom Jones.
320
00:14:57,664 --> 00:14:59,231
Second?
321
00:14:59,232 --> 00:15:00,799
Dan.
322
00:15:00,800 --> 00:15:03,535
All right.
Let's do it.
323
00:15:05,205 --> 00:15:06,638
Okay. Here's what
I want you to do.
324
00:15:06,639 --> 00:15:08,307
I want you to
kneel on the bed,
325
00:15:08,308 --> 00:15:10,242
Lean toward me
a little bit,
326
00:15:10,243 --> 00:15:12,344
Kick your back leg
behind you,
327
00:15:12,345 --> 00:15:14,079
Arch your back,
stick out your chest,
328
00:15:14,080 --> 00:15:16,048
And smack your lips.
329
00:15:21,654 --> 00:15:23,122
Perfect.
330
00:15:24,257 --> 00:15:25,257
[shutter clicks]
331
00:15:31,631 --> 00:15:32,631
[door closes]
332
00:15:32,632 --> 00:15:33,632
[Roseanne]
Dan?
333
00:15:33,633 --> 00:15:34,900
I'm in here.
334
00:15:34,901 --> 00:15:36,702
Did you get my
wedding ring out of there?
335
00:15:36,703 --> 00:15:39,605
Rosie, honey, I need to
talk to you for a minute.
336
00:15:39,606 --> 00:15:42,041
Oh, so it wasn't
in there, right?
337
00:15:42,042 --> 00:15:46,278
No. Listen, I got
some bad news.
338
00:15:46,279 --> 00:15:49,248
We're gonna have to
celebrate our anniversary
on another night.
339
00:15:49,249 --> 00:15:50,883
I have to work tomorrow.
340
00:15:50,884 --> 00:15:54,687
You gotta work tomorrow?
341
00:15:56,756 --> 00:16:00,192
Oh, I get
what you're doing.
342
00:16:00,193 --> 00:16:01,727
You're saying that
you have to work tomorrow
343
00:16:01,728 --> 00:16:03,896
So i'll get all mad
and hate you and everything,
344
00:16:03,897 --> 00:16:05,597
And then, right
at the last minute,
345
00:16:05,598 --> 00:16:06,632
You'll do something
really great
346
00:16:06,633 --> 00:16:08,233
Like throw me a surprise
party or something
347
00:16:08,234 --> 00:16:10,869
So i'll love you again,
right?
348
00:16:10,870 --> 00:16:13,806
Yes, that's exactly right.
349
00:16:13,807 --> 00:16:17,776
Except without the great
thing and the really
nice "I love you" part.
350
00:16:17,777 --> 00:16:20,012
What? So, you're
really gonna work?
351
00:16:20,013 --> 00:16:21,980
I tried everything I could
to get out of it.
352
00:16:21,981 --> 00:16:22,981
I got no choice.
353
00:16:22,982 --> 00:16:24,516
Well, yeah,
you do. Quit!
354
00:16:24,517 --> 00:16:27,052
I can't. I promised
i'd be there.
355
00:16:27,053 --> 00:16:28,987
What? You're
keeping a promise
356
00:16:28,988 --> 00:16:31,323
To some guy that you
knew less than two weeks
357
00:16:31,324 --> 00:16:34,259
And breaking a promise
to your wife of 20 years?
358
00:16:34,260 --> 00:16:36,895
This is a very special
anniversary, Dan!
359
00:16:36,896 --> 00:16:39,231
It's a temporary job,
for god's sake!
360
00:16:39,232 --> 00:16:40,532
Look, you don't want
to say any more.
361
00:16:40,533 --> 00:16:42,634
Yeah, I want to say
plenty more!
362
00:16:42,635 --> 00:16:44,837
I can't believe
that you're doing this!
363
00:16:44,838 --> 00:16:47,473
I mean, you're
the most selfish man
in the entire world!
364
00:16:47,474 --> 00:16:48,741
You don't care about me!
365
00:16:48,742 --> 00:16:51,010
You don't care about
20 years of marriage!
366
00:16:51,011 --> 00:16:52,678
I mean, all you
care about is you!
367
00:16:52,679 --> 00:16:55,114
You think i'm so selfish?
368
00:16:55,115 --> 00:16:57,249
You think I only care
about myself?
369
00:16:57,250 --> 00:17:00,452
You want to know why
I can't quit my stupid
little job?
370
00:17:00,453 --> 00:17:02,154
It's 'cause I had
to pay for this!
371
00:17:05,458 --> 00:17:07,059
It's my wedding ring.
372
00:17:07,060 --> 00:17:08,427
Yes! Your wedding ring!
373
00:17:08,428 --> 00:17:11,330
Oh, baby,
are you in deep now!
374
00:17:11,331 --> 00:17:12,765
Come on. You got
something else to say?
375
00:17:12,766 --> 00:17:16,201
Who the hell asked you
to do this?
376
00:17:16,202 --> 00:17:17,536
What?
377
00:17:17,537 --> 00:17:18,937
Well, you wrecked it!
378
00:17:18,938 --> 00:17:21,340
Did I ever once
ask you to change
anything about this ring?
379
00:17:21,341 --> 00:17:23,709
Did I? Huh? No!
380
00:17:23,710 --> 00:17:25,711
Well, I hope
you're happy now,
381
00:17:25,712 --> 00:17:28,547
Because you ruined my ring
just like you ruined
my anniversary!
382
00:17:28,548 --> 00:17:32,184
Oh! Oh! Man,
you are something else!
383
00:17:32,185 --> 00:17:34,453
I took a job where
I gotta spend all day
384
00:17:34,454 --> 00:17:36,855
Asking fat men whether
they dress left
or dress right
385
00:17:36,856 --> 00:17:38,123
To pay for that ring,
386
00:17:38,124 --> 00:17:39,658
And it means
nothing to you!
387
00:17:39,659 --> 00:17:41,393
Oh, you only
took that job
388
00:17:41,394 --> 00:17:43,529
So that you could go
buy that ring
389
00:17:43,530 --> 00:17:46,131
Because you knew you
were gonna be working
on my anniversary
390
00:17:46,132 --> 00:17:50,002
And you needed to get
that ring so I wouldn't
be mad at you!
391
00:17:57,243 --> 00:18:00,112
You are insane.
I'll tell you what.
392
00:18:00,113 --> 00:18:02,381
I'm gonna go out
tonight and do
exactly what I did
393
00:18:02,382 --> 00:18:04,149
The night
before our wedding
20 years ago.
394
00:18:04,150 --> 00:18:06,352
I'll be with my friends
getting drunk.
395
00:18:06,353 --> 00:18:07,886
You weren't
with your friends.
396
00:18:07,887 --> 00:18:09,421
You were with your mom.
397
00:18:09,422 --> 00:18:13,592
My mom can drink
my friends under
the table any day!
398
00:18:20,300 --> 00:18:23,635
Hey, coach.
Sorry I broke curfew,
399
00:18:23,636 --> 00:18:25,637
But if I get a little
sleep, i'm sure I can
play tomorrow.
400
00:18:25,638 --> 00:18:28,407
Dan, I wouldn't
go in there.
401
00:18:28,408 --> 00:18:30,109
Okay.
402
00:18:31,544 --> 00:18:32,945
Ever?
403
00:18:34,180 --> 00:18:36,415
Not until I give you
a little advice.
404
00:18:36,416 --> 00:18:39,018
But Jackie, I already
took your advice.
405
00:18:39,019 --> 00:18:42,354
You told me not to
get her the shoe rack
or she'd be mad at me.
406
00:18:42,355 --> 00:18:45,057
What a relief
that didn't happen!
407
00:18:45,058 --> 00:18:47,693
Let her cool down, Dan.
She's really upset.
408
00:18:47,694 --> 00:18:49,094
Did you talk to her?
409
00:18:49,095 --> 00:18:52,097
She asked me if I
knew about the ring.
410
00:18:52,098 --> 00:18:53,899
And you said?
411
00:18:53,900 --> 00:18:54,900
Yeah.
412
00:18:54,901 --> 00:18:55,901
And then?
413
00:18:55,902 --> 00:18:57,436
And then
she and I decided
414
00:18:57,437 --> 00:19:00,072
That I should spend
the rest of the night
on the porch.
415
00:19:01,207 --> 00:19:02,408
So you're locked out?
416
00:19:02,409 --> 00:19:04,143
Yeah.
417
00:19:04,144 --> 00:19:05,878
Good news--
you don't live here!
418
00:19:05,879 --> 00:19:08,080
I was waiting
for you, Dan.
419
00:19:08,081 --> 00:19:10,182
I'm trying to
help you out.
420
00:19:10,183 --> 00:19:12,051
Oh, please,
help me out some more.
421
00:19:12,052 --> 00:19:14,353
I'm still breathing!
422
00:19:14,354 --> 00:19:16,955
I didn't ask to get
dragged into this!
423
00:19:16,956 --> 00:19:18,257
No, Jackie,
you never ask.
424
00:19:18,258 --> 00:19:19,892
You just dive right in.
425
00:19:19,893 --> 00:19:21,960
And the best part is,
she hates the ring.
426
00:19:21,961 --> 00:19:25,564
I know it.
Well, give it to me.
I'm gonna take it back.
427
00:19:25,565 --> 00:19:27,700
Maybe they can put
the ring back like it was
428
00:19:27,701 --> 00:19:29,868
And then all you have to
do is pay for the labor.
429
00:19:29,869 --> 00:19:31,804
Good. Do it.
430
00:19:31,805 --> 00:19:33,706
You gotta look
on the bright side.
431
00:19:33,707 --> 00:19:36,008
If you hadn't given me
bad advice
432
00:19:36,009 --> 00:19:37,409
And I hadn't taken it
433
00:19:37,410 --> 00:19:39,978
And the anniversary
wasn't wrecked
434
00:19:39,979 --> 00:19:44,983
And Roseanne
wasn't mad at me,
435
00:19:44,984 --> 00:19:48,187
I wouldn't get to spend
the night on the porch.
436
00:19:53,526 --> 00:19:55,094
So, what do you think?
437
00:19:55,095 --> 00:19:57,196
I think the shirt
looks great on you.
438
00:19:57,197 --> 00:20:00,532
I came in with the shirt.
I tried on the pants.
439
00:20:00,533 --> 00:20:03,635
I think the pants really
bring out the shirt.
440
00:20:06,072 --> 00:20:07,339
Hey.
441
00:20:07,340 --> 00:20:09,742
Oh. What are you
doing here?
442
00:20:09,743 --> 00:20:11,844
Well, I wasn't done
yelling at you yet.
443
00:20:11,845 --> 00:20:14,013
You know, I thought of
a few more mean things
to say,
444
00:20:14,014 --> 00:20:16,315
So I wanted to
rush down here
before I forget.
445
00:20:16,316 --> 00:20:18,450
Roseanne, I don't need
this kind of insanity
446
00:20:18,451 --> 00:20:20,986
During the midnight
madness sale.
447
00:20:20,987 --> 00:20:23,522
Well, I think
maybe then we should
take it outside.
448
00:20:23,523 --> 00:20:25,190
I can't.
I'm working.
449
00:20:25,191 --> 00:20:27,626
Okay. Well, then,
i'll just start
screaming here.
450
00:20:27,627 --> 00:20:30,562
Right behind you.
451
00:20:30,563 --> 00:20:37,569
I'm gonna kick
your butt all the way
to yogurt city.
452
00:20:37,570 --> 00:20:38,570
What's this?
453
00:20:38,571 --> 00:20:40,372
Happy anniversary.
454
00:20:40,373 --> 00:20:42,307
I don't believe this.
455
00:20:42,308 --> 00:20:43,609
You got
everything here.
456
00:20:43,610 --> 00:20:47,179
Corn dogs. You remembered
our wedding dinner.
457
00:20:47,180 --> 00:20:49,248
And...
458
00:20:49,249 --> 00:20:51,417
[tape recorder
playing melody]
459
00:20:53,653 --> 00:20:55,754
[laughs]
460
00:20:55,755 --> 00:20:59,258
Well, you know,
i'm not very good at
saying i'm sorry,
461
00:20:59,259 --> 00:21:00,492
'cause you know
I never am,
462
00:21:00,493 --> 00:21:05,431
But I just think I went
too far this time
463
00:21:05,432 --> 00:21:07,366
And I just figure,
you know,
464
00:21:07,367 --> 00:21:08,467
After 20 years,
465
00:21:08,468 --> 00:21:11,437
Every man deserves
to hear this.
466
00:21:11,438 --> 00:21:12,771
I was wrong.
467
00:21:12,772 --> 00:21:14,373
And I think
after 20 years,
468
00:21:14,374 --> 00:21:15,808
Every woman
deserves to hear this--
469
00:21:15,809 --> 00:21:17,710
I agree with you.
470
00:21:17,711 --> 00:21:21,680
Well, so, don't you have
something to give me?
471
00:21:21,681 --> 00:21:22,715
Uh...
472
00:21:22,716 --> 00:21:25,751
Come on.
I'll say yes.
473
00:21:25,752 --> 00:21:26,785
Really?
474
00:21:26,786 --> 00:21:28,487
Promise.
475
00:21:28,488 --> 00:21:30,022
All right.
476
00:21:30,023 --> 00:21:33,625
Roseanne, will you not
be mad at me
477
00:21:33,626 --> 00:21:36,462
For giving the ring to
Jackie to have it put back
the way it was before?
478
00:21:36,463 --> 00:21:40,499
What'd you do that for?
I loved that ring!
479
00:21:40,500 --> 00:21:42,668
Damn it, Roseanne!
First you tell me
you hate it,
480
00:21:42,669 --> 00:21:44,536
Then you tell me
you love it.
481
00:21:44,537 --> 00:21:46,638
And then, and only then,
I produce it from
my pocket
482
00:21:46,639 --> 00:21:48,540
And show you that I
got it back from jackie
483
00:21:48,541 --> 00:21:53,612
Before she took it
back to the guy to
have it put back.
484
00:21:54,881 --> 00:21:57,182
You may now
eat the corn dog.
485
00:21:59,619 --> 00:22:01,487
Now I gotta give you
your present.
486
00:22:01,488 --> 00:22:04,323
But you gotta promise
that you won't laugh.
487
00:22:09,195 --> 00:22:11,430
[imitates antique
car horn]
488
00:22:14,367 --> 00:22:16,769
Gadzooks!
489
00:22:16,770 --> 00:22:18,971
Why, Miss Conner,
I can't marry you.
490
00:22:18,972 --> 00:22:21,907
I've fallen in love
with another.
491
00:22:21,908 --> 00:22:23,776
You don't think
it's stupid?
492
00:22:23,777 --> 00:22:25,911
You're beautiful,
honey.
493
00:22:25,912 --> 00:22:28,213
Well, hell, I always
thought you were beautiful.
494
00:22:28,214 --> 00:22:29,682
You really like it?
495
00:22:29,683 --> 00:22:31,250
Yeah.
Well, good,
496
00:22:31,251 --> 00:22:33,185
'cause I made you
an appointment over
there next week,
497
00:22:33,186 --> 00:22:36,155
So you might as well
start shaving now.
498
00:23:28,441 --> 00:23:31,143
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