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1
00:00:08,208 --> 00:00:10,909
I'm never shopping again
on Christmas Eve.
2
00:00:10,977 --> 00:00:13,312
Is there anything
even left on the shelves?
3
00:00:13,380 --> 00:00:16,582
Oh, tons.
D.J.'s getting
a thousand q-tips.
4
00:00:17,650 --> 00:00:20,619
No reason, just
'cause I love him.
5
00:00:20,687 --> 00:00:23,922
Well, at least you got him
something off his list.
6
00:00:23,990 --> 00:00:25,758
You know, mom,
I was thinking,
7
00:00:25,825 --> 00:00:28,861
And I decided that I really
don't want to be there to,
8
00:00:28,928 --> 00:00:31,196
You know, interrupt
your reunion with Becky
9
00:00:31,264 --> 00:00:32,231
And nana Mary, and--
10
00:00:32,298 --> 00:00:33,432
Forget about it, Darlene.
11
00:00:33,500 --> 00:00:36,035
The entire family's got
to be together tonight.
12
00:00:36,102 --> 00:00:38,404
And no matter how many
blood tests I take
13
00:00:38,471 --> 00:00:42,274
To disprove it,
you're a member
of this family.
14
00:00:42,342 --> 00:00:44,243
I won't be that late,
it's just that
15
00:00:44,310 --> 00:00:47,479
David's parents are leaving
and he has to baby-sit
16
00:00:47,547 --> 00:00:49,381
His little sisters all alone.
17
00:00:49,449 --> 00:00:52,851
All alone on christmas eve.
18
00:00:53,920 --> 00:00:56,355
I'll give you five bucks.
19
00:00:56,423 --> 00:00:59,324
You're gonna miss
it's a wonderful life.
20
00:00:59,392 --> 00:01:02,795
Well, it's on again at 9,
and 9:30, and 11,
21
00:01:02,862 --> 00:01:04,563
And at midnight in Spanish.
22
00:01:04,631 --> 00:01:06,832
"una vida wonderfulmente."
23
00:01:07,967 --> 00:01:10,469
Okay, but you be home by 8.
24
00:01:10,537 --> 00:01:11,804
And for every minute
you're late,
25
00:01:11,871 --> 00:01:13,405
That's another time
you've got to listen to
26
00:01:13,473 --> 00:01:16,809
It's a Jim Nabors christmas.
27
00:01:16,876 --> 00:01:17,876
Hold it.
28
00:01:17,944 --> 00:01:18,877
What?
29
00:01:18,945 --> 00:01:20,612
Five bucks.
30
00:01:23,583 --> 00:01:26,819
This way she doesn't have
to be wracked with guilt.
31
00:01:27,887 --> 00:01:28,987
Roseanne?
32
00:01:31,658 --> 00:01:33,292
What, are you gonna
be late, too?
33
00:01:33,360 --> 00:01:34,760
No, I'm not coming at all.
34
00:01:34,828 --> 00:01:36,562
It's just, I--
35
00:01:41,067 --> 00:01:43,836
I'm sorry, but Fisher
and I are a new couple
36
00:01:43,903 --> 00:01:47,072
And we're just trying to
develop some "us" time.
37
00:01:47,140 --> 00:01:51,010
Oh, god, that's totally gross.
38
00:01:51,077 --> 00:01:53,178
That is your
therapist talking.
39
00:01:53,246 --> 00:01:55,614
No, it couldn't be,
because I stopped
going to my therapist.
40
00:01:55,682 --> 00:01:57,649
Why? You can't be cured.
41
00:01:57,717 --> 00:01:59,685
Fisher says I don't
need it anymore.
42
00:01:59,753 --> 00:02:01,587
He says I'm able to
make my own decisions.
43
00:02:01,654 --> 00:02:03,422
Hey, I'll be the one
to tell you
44
00:02:03,490 --> 00:02:05,958
When you're able to
make your own decisions.
45
00:02:06,026 --> 00:02:08,627
Stop harping on
my driving, mother.
46
00:02:08,695 --> 00:02:10,262
You pump the brake.
47
00:02:10,330 --> 00:02:12,931
When there's ice and snow on
the road, you pump the brake.
48
00:02:12,999 --> 00:02:14,566
I was pumping it.
49
00:02:14,634 --> 00:02:15,901
Pump this.
50
00:02:16,970 --> 00:02:18,137
Oh, hello, girls.
51
00:02:18,204 --> 00:02:20,572
Look, a freaking
white christmas.
52
00:02:23,777 --> 00:02:25,144
How you doing?
53
00:02:25,211 --> 00:02:28,047
Oh, enormous corns.
54
00:02:28,114 --> 00:02:32,184
Here, Roseanne, take off
my boots, please.
55
00:02:33,853 --> 00:02:35,020
All right.
56
00:02:35,088 --> 00:02:39,158
So now, you have had these off
in the last year, right?
57
00:02:39,225 --> 00:02:42,127
Look at that,
completely dry.
58
00:02:43,196 --> 00:02:45,431
When I wear baggies
on my feet,
59
00:02:45,498 --> 00:02:47,066
They're dry as a bone.
60
00:02:47,133 --> 00:02:49,301
Jackie, here, feel my feet.
61
00:02:49,369 --> 00:02:51,870
No.
Aw, come on,
feel my feet.
62
00:02:51,938 --> 00:02:54,273
Go on, Jackie, you
know you want to.
63
00:02:55,342 --> 00:02:56,842
Yeah, that's dry.
64
00:02:56,910 --> 00:02:58,077
Baggies!
65
00:02:59,212 --> 00:03:02,548
I think I felt a corn.
66
00:03:02,615 --> 00:03:04,717
Come on, mother, let me
show you the kitchen.
67
00:03:04,784 --> 00:03:05,951
Come on.
Come on, dear.
68
00:03:06,019 --> 00:03:07,086
Oh, I can't wait.
69
00:03:07,153 --> 00:03:09,755
"dear diary, what
did I do today?
70
00:03:09,823 --> 00:03:12,358
Today I looked at a kitchen."
71
00:03:14,060 --> 00:03:19,064
You're not leaving me
alone with the Judds
tonight, Jackie.
72
00:04:28,001 --> 00:04:29,802
[laughing]
73
00:04:36,509 --> 00:04:39,011
Okay, Deej, what does mom's
card say we're supposed to do?
74
00:04:39,079 --> 00:04:41,880
"put turkey in oven.
Turn oven on.
75
00:04:41,948 --> 00:04:43,615
Close oven door."
76
00:04:43,683 --> 00:04:44,616
Ready?
77
00:04:44,684 --> 00:04:45,984
I guess so.
78
00:04:46,052 --> 00:04:47,986
Let's do it.
79
00:04:52,792 --> 00:04:54,093
Man, I hate cooking.
80
00:04:54,160 --> 00:04:55,094
Me, too.
81
00:04:55,161 --> 00:04:56,995
Yoo-hoo!
Happy holidays!
82
00:04:57,063 --> 00:04:57,996
[Marla]
hi, guys.
83
00:04:58,064 --> 00:04:58,997
How's it going?
84
00:04:59,065 --> 00:05:00,733
We're spent.
85
00:05:00,800 --> 00:05:02,134
Question, Nance:
86
00:05:02,202 --> 00:05:04,370
Is there any circumstance
under which you would
87
00:05:04,437 --> 00:05:06,572
Ice and then oil a potato?
88
00:05:06,639 --> 00:05:07,573
No.
89
00:05:07,640 --> 00:05:09,141
Okay, then that's
slice and boil.
90
00:05:09,209 --> 00:05:13,078
D.J., go wash your hands.
You're smudging the cards.
91
00:05:13,146 --> 00:05:15,781
Where do you want me
to put the gifts?
Oh, in the living room.
92
00:05:15,849 --> 00:05:17,116
Did you guys bring
your presents, too?
93
00:05:17,183 --> 00:05:18,283
Oh, that's okay.
94
00:05:18,385 --> 00:05:20,486
We already gave each
other our gifts earlier.
95
00:05:22,622 --> 00:05:23,822
D.J., would you, uh--
96
00:05:23,890 --> 00:05:25,724
Hey, how about grabbing
the rock salt, going out
97
00:05:25,792 --> 00:05:26,692
And salting the driveway?
98
00:05:26,760 --> 00:05:28,827
Okay.
99
00:05:28,895 --> 00:05:30,529
Could you guys cool it
with the, ya know,
100
00:05:30,597 --> 00:05:32,231
Giving each other presents
in front of the kid?
101
00:05:32,298 --> 00:05:33,732
What?
102
00:05:33,800 --> 00:05:37,236
I got her some earrings
and she gave me a sweater.
103
00:05:38,304 --> 00:05:42,174
Yeah, that's what I meant.
104
00:05:42,242 --> 00:05:43,809
I don't want him
to be jealous.
105
00:05:44,878 --> 00:05:47,246
It's cool, Dan.
I get it.
106
00:05:47,313 --> 00:05:51,116
We know how hard you've been
trying to deal with all this,
107
00:05:51,184 --> 00:05:54,553
And I just want you to know
that we really appreciate it.
108
00:05:54,621 --> 00:05:56,855
Yeah, you know...
109
00:05:56,923 --> 00:05:59,992
Some guys wouldn't know...
110
00:06:00,060 --> 00:06:00,993
Who wants a beer?
111
00:06:01,061 --> 00:06:02,094
I'll get 'em.
112
00:06:02,162 --> 00:06:03,395
[phone rings]
113
00:06:06,599 --> 00:06:07,833
Hello?
114
00:06:07,901 --> 00:06:10,969
Hey, Beck, where are ya?
115
00:06:11,037 --> 00:06:14,340
Oh, no, you're kidding.
116
00:06:14,407 --> 00:06:16,041
I'm just glad you guys
were smart enough
117
00:06:16,109 --> 00:06:17,109
To get off the road.
118
00:06:17,177 --> 00:06:19,611
Give me the number
of the motel.
119
00:06:20,847 --> 00:06:22,848
No, yeah, i'll tell her
you can't make it.
120
00:06:22,916 --> 00:06:26,285
Sure, we can just send
the gifts to each other.
121
00:06:26,353 --> 00:06:30,055
'course, we were gonna get
you that washer and dryer.
122
00:06:30,123 --> 00:06:33,192
And that speed boat, that'll
be kind of hard to ship.
123
00:06:33,259 --> 00:06:36,028
You guys got one of
those dancing beer cans?
124
00:06:36,096 --> 00:06:38,263
Okay.
Yeah.
125
00:06:38,331 --> 00:06:39,498
Well, we're gonna
miss you, too.
126
00:06:39,566 --> 00:06:41,734
Yeah, bye.
127
00:06:41,801 --> 00:06:43,369
Oh, hey listen, Beck, yeah.
128
00:06:43,436 --> 00:06:45,004
Tell me about
that apartment of yours.
129
00:06:45,071 --> 00:06:46,672
Yeah, no kidding?
Burned down?
130
00:06:46,740 --> 00:06:48,307
Boy, that's a shame.
131
00:06:53,580 --> 00:06:57,249
Oh, Dan, you know Becky
could be here if
she really wanted to.
132
00:06:57,317 --> 00:07:02,321
Did you tell her
we're having stove top?
133
00:07:02,389 --> 00:07:04,823
Yeah, okay.
Bye.
134
00:07:04,891 --> 00:07:06,925
What happened?
135
00:07:06,993 --> 00:07:08,927
Becky got snowed in
in Wisconsin.
136
00:07:08,995 --> 00:07:10,129
Oh, no.
137
00:07:10,196 --> 00:07:11,964
I don't think we're going
anywhere, either.
138
00:07:12,032 --> 00:07:13,866
They haven't plowed yet,
and the cars are buried.
139
00:07:13,933 --> 00:07:15,334
Oh, man.
140
00:07:15,402 --> 00:07:18,070
I'm going out to the car
and get our stuff.
141
00:07:18,138 --> 00:07:21,707
I mean, it's times like these
when people start looting.
142
00:07:21,775 --> 00:07:23,609
Beverly, come on.
143
00:07:23,677 --> 00:07:25,844
Slow down, mother.
144
00:07:25,912 --> 00:07:27,346
Yeah, remember your age.
145
00:07:27,414 --> 00:07:31,350
You've got a daughter
in a retirement home.
146
00:07:32,419 --> 00:07:33,652
Thanks a lot, Roseanne.
147
00:07:33,720 --> 00:07:35,688
Had to make us stay
and work late, didn't you?
148
00:07:35,755 --> 00:07:37,556
I hope you know you ruined
my entire evening.
149
00:07:37,624 --> 00:07:38,657
Well, what about me?
150
00:07:38,725 --> 00:07:40,626
I wanted to be with
my loved ones tonight
151
00:07:40,694 --> 00:07:42,828
And now I got stuck
with you guys.
152
00:07:42,896 --> 00:07:46,098
Oh, I see what's going on.
153
00:07:46,166 --> 00:07:48,967
You're going to spend all
night ragging on everybody
and making them miserable.
154
00:07:49,035 --> 00:07:53,072
Sure, fun for you.
What about the rest of us?
155
00:07:57,077 --> 00:07:58,811
What happened?
156
00:07:58,878 --> 00:08:01,246
Apparently, I didn't move
fast enough for her,
157
00:08:01,314 --> 00:08:04,049
So she shoved my--
how'd you put it, mother?
158
00:08:04,117 --> 00:08:07,619
"my big butt"?
Into a snowbank.
159
00:08:07,687 --> 00:08:09,822
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
160
00:08:09,889 --> 00:08:12,958
Roseanne, where did you
hide the scotch?
161
00:08:40,220 --> 00:08:41,887
What are you doing
out of your room?
162
00:08:41,955 --> 00:08:43,922
We want to wait up
and see santa.
163
00:08:43,990 --> 00:08:46,058
Well, come on over here,
lisa and nicky,
164
00:08:46,126 --> 00:08:49,061
And I'll tell you a little
christmas bedtime story.
165
00:08:49,129 --> 00:08:50,963
We like Rudolph.
166
00:08:51,031 --> 00:08:52,297
Well, good for you.
167
00:08:52,365 --> 00:08:54,600
Anyway, once upon a time,
168
00:08:54,668 --> 00:08:57,036
There were these
two little girls,
just like you guys.
169
00:08:57,103 --> 00:09:00,773
And they wanted to wait up
all night to see Santa Claus.
170
00:09:00,840 --> 00:09:02,608
Did they see him?
They sure did.
171
00:09:02,676 --> 00:09:05,711
And it was the most
amazing thing they ever saw.
Really?
172
00:09:05,779 --> 00:09:08,080
Yeah, but it was also
the last thing they ever saw.
173
00:09:08,148 --> 00:09:11,250
Because, you know, I don't
know if you guys know this,
174
00:09:11,317 --> 00:09:14,787
But Santa's elves have
orders to grab all
the little children
175
00:09:14,854 --> 00:09:19,224
Who try and catch
a peek at Santa and
poke their eyes out.
176
00:09:19,292 --> 00:09:21,760
Why do you think they
wear the pointy shoes?
177
00:09:21,828 --> 00:09:23,295
Good night.
Good night.
178
00:09:26,132 --> 00:09:28,834
Oh, I love kids.
179
00:09:36,109 --> 00:09:37,743
The coast is clear
for a little while.
180
00:09:37,811 --> 00:09:43,382
Can this be,
you know, the night?
181
00:09:43,450 --> 00:09:48,587
I don't know, why don't we
just see what happens?
182
00:09:48,655 --> 00:09:50,155
'cause nothing
ever does happen
183
00:09:50,223 --> 00:09:53,025
And it's frustrating
as hell, Darlene.
184
00:09:53,093 --> 00:09:54,360
[tv, indistinct]
185
00:09:54,427 --> 00:09:55,794
What are you doing?
186
00:09:55,862 --> 00:09:57,896
What you want.
Nothing.
187
00:09:59,265 --> 00:10:01,433
So what, now we
can't even kiss
188
00:10:01,501 --> 00:10:03,535
Unless i'm ready
to go all the way?
189
00:10:03,603 --> 00:10:06,939
I don't know, why don't
we just see what happens?
190
00:10:10,143 --> 00:10:11,076
What are you doing?
191
00:10:11,144 --> 00:10:12,711
Forget this.
I'm outta here.
192
00:10:12,779 --> 00:10:15,514
Fine, you want to go, go.
193
00:10:17,851 --> 00:10:19,985
Oh, merry christmas.
194
00:10:22,689 --> 00:10:26,191
[tv]can't you come out tonightcan't you come out tonight
195
00:10:26,259 --> 00:10:28,494
buffalo girls, can't youcome out tonight
196
00:10:28,561 --> 00:10:31,196
can't you come out tonight,can't you come out tonight
197
00:10:35,502 --> 00:10:37,636
All right, i'm back.
198
00:10:39,172 --> 00:10:40,973
Don't get excited.
199
00:10:41,041 --> 00:10:43,375
I basically chose
you over death.
200
00:10:46,413 --> 00:10:50,816
[tv]by the light of the moon
201
00:10:55,855 --> 00:10:57,189
I don't care, Darlene.
202
00:10:57,257 --> 00:10:59,692
There's no adult there,
I want you to
go home right now.
203
00:10:59,759 --> 00:11:01,860
C'mon, mom, you know
I vowed never to use
204
00:11:01,928 --> 00:11:05,964
My teleportation powers
for personal gain.
205
00:11:06,032 --> 00:11:08,100
Trust me, David
and I are fighting.
206
00:11:08,168 --> 00:11:10,002
Nothing's gonna
happen tonight.
207
00:11:10,070 --> 00:11:12,504
All right, damn it,
but don't you
stay up too late.
208
00:11:12,572 --> 00:11:14,406
Remember what I told you
about santa's elves
209
00:11:14,474 --> 00:11:16,775
And their pointy shoes.
210
00:11:18,645 --> 00:11:20,279
Bye.
211
00:11:22,082 --> 00:11:26,585
Well, it's beginning
to look a lot like crap.
212
00:11:27,687 --> 00:11:30,022
Roseanne, if I gave you
your presents now,
213
00:11:30,090 --> 00:11:31,056
Would you shut up?
214
00:11:31,124 --> 00:11:32,491
[in unison]
yay!
215
00:11:32,559 --> 00:11:33,659
Presents!
216
00:11:33,727 --> 00:11:35,994
Bring me those bags.
217
00:11:36,062 --> 00:11:37,396
Here.
218
00:11:42,235 --> 00:11:43,869
Wow, oh my god!
219
00:11:43,937 --> 00:11:46,638
This is awesome, it's some
real expensive camera.
220
00:11:46,706 --> 00:11:48,340
Look at this,
a portable phone!
221
00:11:48,408 --> 00:11:51,910
Wrong presents.
Crap.
222
00:11:53,079 --> 00:11:55,881
These are for
Aunt Sonia's kids.
223
00:11:55,949 --> 00:11:58,484
Here, yours are
over there.
224
00:12:08,161 --> 00:12:11,063
Oh, wow, a salad spinner.
225
00:12:12,365 --> 00:12:16,769
And a cutting board
in the shape of a rooster.
226
00:12:16,836 --> 00:12:19,505
Well, I don't mean to sound
ungrateful or anything,
227
00:12:19,572 --> 00:12:21,940
But these gifts suck.
228
00:12:23,410 --> 00:12:26,311
Sonia's kids got all that
really cool stuff.
229
00:12:26,379 --> 00:12:28,480
I thought we were
you favorite grandkids.
230
00:12:28,548 --> 00:12:31,016
You are, you are.
231
00:12:31,084 --> 00:12:33,185
Eventually, eventually,
232
00:12:33,253 --> 00:12:37,289
I'm gonna have to go
live with somebody.
233
00:12:37,357 --> 00:12:40,492
They got a pool.
234
00:12:40,560 --> 00:12:43,262
Well, just promise us
that you'll linger
235
00:12:43,329 --> 00:12:46,198
Long enough to be
a huge burden.
236
00:12:46,266 --> 00:12:47,733
That reminds me!
237
00:12:47,867 --> 00:12:51,704
Last week I saw your
dead Grandpa Marvin.
238
00:12:54,074 --> 00:12:57,076
He looked wonderful.
239
00:13:05,685 --> 00:13:07,453
When do we get
to open some presents?
240
00:13:07,520 --> 00:13:09,254
Oh, come on, Deej,
we made a deal:
241
00:13:09,322 --> 00:13:11,190
No opening presents
until everyone gets here.
242
00:13:11,257 --> 00:13:12,558
Oh, Dan...
243
00:13:12,625 --> 00:13:15,260
You know, when I was a kid,
my folks always let me open
244
00:13:15,328 --> 00:13:16,762
Just one present early.
245
00:13:16,830 --> 00:13:19,898
Yeah, well, I bet
your folks loved you.
246
00:13:21,034 --> 00:13:22,701
All right, you little mooch.
247
00:13:22,769 --> 00:13:23,702
Yes!
248
00:13:23,770 --> 00:13:24,870
Just one.
249
00:13:27,173 --> 00:13:28,107
[rattles]
250
00:13:28,174 --> 00:13:30,342
Clothes.
251
00:13:30,410 --> 00:13:33,045
Clothes.
252
00:13:33,113 --> 00:13:35,180
Clothes.
253
00:13:35,248 --> 00:13:37,616
Great, now I can invite
all of my friends over
254
00:13:37,684 --> 00:13:40,252
To play with my bathrobe.
255
00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:41,587
You know what, D.J.,
256
00:13:41,654 --> 00:13:42,888
Let's open up our gift.
257
00:13:42,956 --> 00:13:44,256
I bet you're gonna like it.
258
00:13:44,324 --> 00:13:46,191
Okay.
259
00:13:46,259 --> 00:13:49,795
Here.
260
00:13:49,863 --> 00:13:51,864
Cool, a remote control car!
261
00:13:51,931 --> 00:13:53,799
Vroom!
Thank you!
262
00:13:53,867 --> 00:13:55,100
Right. Out of here.
263
00:13:55,168 --> 00:13:57,503
[laughing]
264
00:13:57,570 --> 00:13:59,004
So, Dan, where'd you
stash the toys?
265
00:13:59,072 --> 00:14:00,239
In the closet or the garage?
266
00:14:00,306 --> 00:14:01,507
Neither.
Those are toys.
267
00:14:01,574 --> 00:14:03,709
We wrapped them in clothes.
268
00:14:03,777 --> 00:14:05,711
[oven buzzer]
269
00:14:06,846 --> 00:14:09,048
I guess it's tough
raising a kid, huh?
270
00:14:09,115 --> 00:14:12,084
Yeah, well, I guess
that's something you won't
have to worry about, huh?
271
00:14:12,152 --> 00:14:13,719
What does that mean?
272
00:14:13,787 --> 00:14:15,587
Well, you know, about
having kids and all.
273
00:14:15,655 --> 00:14:16,822
I wanna have kids.
274
00:14:16,890 --> 00:14:18,323
You do?
275
00:14:18,391 --> 00:14:21,193
Well, didn't you kinda
ruin your chance,
276
00:14:21,261 --> 00:14:22,661
I mean, with Arnie, you know?
277
00:14:22,729 --> 00:14:25,330
Well, I don't think that was
exactly the right situation
278
00:14:25,398 --> 00:14:27,132
To have a kid in, you know?
279
00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:32,237
Yeah, who wants
to shave the back
of a six-month-old baby?
280
00:14:32,305 --> 00:14:34,139
I think it might be
the right time now.
281
00:14:34,207 --> 00:14:35,908
I mean, I know it's early
in our relationship,
282
00:14:35,975 --> 00:14:38,177
But, you know, at some point
I think marla and I
283
00:14:38,244 --> 00:14:39,678
Could get pregnant
and have a baby.
284
00:14:41,381 --> 00:14:43,782
Can you explain to me
how you could do that
285
00:14:43,850 --> 00:14:45,918
Without being at all specific?
286
00:14:45,985 --> 00:14:47,353
Sure, Dan, it's easy.
287
00:14:47,420 --> 00:14:49,021
You just get some sperm--
288
00:14:49,089 --> 00:14:52,391
Too specific.
289
00:14:52,459 --> 00:14:55,461
Here, you finish this.
290
00:15:02,502 --> 00:15:05,204
Oh, come on!
You really think
Grandpa Marvin
291
00:15:05,271 --> 00:15:07,272
Would come all the way
back from his grave
292
00:15:07,340 --> 00:15:11,510
Just to ask nana where
his brown slacks are?
293
00:15:11,578 --> 00:15:14,613
I think your nana's
just plain losing it.
294
00:15:15,915 --> 00:15:19,251
All this talk about
an afterlife is nonsense.
295
00:15:19,319 --> 00:15:21,620
When you're gone,
you're gone.
296
00:15:21,688 --> 00:15:22,921
The end.
297
00:15:22,989 --> 00:15:24,356
Oh, so, what?
298
00:15:24,424 --> 00:15:26,425
Next thing you know,
you're going to tell me
299
00:15:26,493 --> 00:15:28,227
That you don't believe
in god anymore neither.
300
00:15:30,096 --> 00:15:32,498
Well, is that a yes or a no?
301
00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:35,634
Well, i'm sorry, Roseanne,
302
00:15:35,702 --> 00:15:38,437
But 25 years of
your husband cheating
303
00:15:38,505 --> 00:15:40,873
Tends to shake your faith.
304
00:15:40,940 --> 00:15:42,241
Man.
305
00:15:42,308 --> 00:15:45,144
You'd think somebody with
a lousy life like yours
306
00:15:45,211 --> 00:15:46,745
Would believe more.
307
00:15:46,813 --> 00:15:48,947
Can we just drop this, please?
308
00:15:49,015 --> 00:15:50,716
No, we can't just drop this.
309
00:15:50,784 --> 00:15:53,285
You think you're
the only person
that's been through stuff?
310
00:15:53,353 --> 00:15:54,486
I've been through stuff.
311
00:15:54,554 --> 00:15:57,690
But I still believe
in god, you know.
312
00:15:57,757 --> 00:15:59,425
I mean, I'd like
to believe that
313
00:15:59,492 --> 00:16:03,962
All the horrible, hideous crap
that I have to wallow through
314
00:16:04,030 --> 00:16:05,664
Every single day of my life,
315
00:16:05,732 --> 00:16:08,500
That at some point
I will find out the meaning to
316
00:16:08,568 --> 00:16:10,102
And the reason for, I mean,
317
00:16:10,170 --> 00:16:12,104
So I can be happy,
you know what I mean?
318
00:16:12,172 --> 00:16:14,907
There just is a god.
There is.
319
00:16:14,974 --> 00:16:17,209
I swear to god there's a god.
320
00:16:17,277 --> 00:16:20,145
And if there ain't,
I've been screwed.
321
00:16:20,213 --> 00:16:22,448
Why are we talking about this?
322
00:16:22,515 --> 00:16:24,717
God and heaven and everything.
323
00:16:24,784 --> 00:16:27,653
It's christmas.
324
00:16:31,391 --> 00:16:32,624
No, it isn't.
325
00:16:32,692 --> 00:16:34,727
It's just another
screwed-up day,
326
00:16:34,794 --> 00:16:37,296
The most screwed-up day this
screwed-up family ever has.
327
00:16:37,364 --> 00:16:39,832
Everybody's everywhere
doing everything.
328
00:16:39,899 --> 00:16:41,400
Nobody's doing
anything together.
329
00:16:41,468 --> 00:16:43,569
And the only person that
makes any effort at all
330
00:16:43,636 --> 00:16:47,873
To be with this family is
Grandpa Marvin, and he's dead.
331
00:16:49,309 --> 00:16:51,377
Well, let's do
something festive.
332
00:16:51,444 --> 00:16:53,045
Right, Nana Mary?
333
00:16:55,915 --> 00:16:57,549
Nana Mary?
334
00:17:00,186 --> 00:17:02,521
[snores]
335
00:17:02,589 --> 00:17:07,259
Oh my god, that would have
been really spooky timing.
336
00:17:09,162 --> 00:17:11,196
I think we're
scaring ourselves.
337
00:17:11,264 --> 00:17:13,832
I suggest we try
to get some sleep.
338
00:17:13,900 --> 00:17:16,068
Roseanne.
339
00:17:16,136 --> 00:17:18,370
I know how to get you back
in the holiday spirit.
340
00:17:18,438 --> 00:17:19,405
How?
341
00:17:19,472 --> 00:17:21,173
Let's decorate Nana Mary.
342
00:17:24,010 --> 00:17:25,911
We can't do that.
343
00:17:25,979 --> 00:17:28,447
She's our grandmother.
Don't you remember--
344
00:17:28,515 --> 00:17:30,783
Salad spinner.
345
00:17:33,653 --> 00:17:37,356
I'll get the tinsel.
346
00:17:41,194 --> 00:17:42,895
Girls!
347
00:17:42,962 --> 00:17:47,266
Stop that, you're being
stupid and childish!
348
00:17:47,334 --> 00:17:51,170
Everyone knows you
string lights from the top.
349
00:18:10,357 --> 00:18:11,790
What's this?
350
00:18:11,858 --> 00:18:14,193
Bought it for you,
you might as well open it.
351
00:18:14,260 --> 00:18:15,961
Oh, yeah, right.
352
00:18:16,029 --> 00:18:17,429
Here.
353
00:18:25,238 --> 00:18:29,241
Oh, wow, these are, like,
professional drawing pens.
354
00:18:29,309 --> 00:18:30,909
I can't keep these.
355
00:18:30,977 --> 00:18:33,545
Whoa, a real animation cell.
356
00:18:33,613 --> 00:18:35,147
This must have cost a bundle.
357
00:18:35,215 --> 00:18:37,349
Thanks.
358
00:18:37,417 --> 00:18:40,986
God, it's snowing
like a banshee out there.
359
00:18:41,054 --> 00:18:43,655
Took me an hour
to walk two blocks.
360
00:18:43,723 --> 00:18:45,224
Hi, Mrs. Healy.
361
00:18:45,291 --> 00:18:46,458
Darlene.
362
00:18:46,526 --> 00:18:48,427
Wasn't expecting you here.
363
00:18:49,562 --> 00:18:50,829
Yeah, well, I kinda
got stuck here.
364
00:18:50,897 --> 00:18:52,531
I hope you don't mind
if I sleep over.
365
00:18:52,599 --> 00:18:54,400
Well, isn't that convenient.
366
00:18:54,467 --> 00:18:57,236
[phone rings]
367
00:18:57,303 --> 00:18:59,338
Hello?
368
00:18:59,406 --> 00:19:03,208
Hi, dad, yeah.
She just got home.
369
00:19:03,276 --> 00:19:04,910
Hi, honey.
370
00:19:04,978 --> 00:19:07,413
No, I was at work.
371
00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:10,449
Really?
When did you call?
372
00:19:10,517 --> 00:19:12,851
Oh, well, I got finished early
373
00:19:12,919 --> 00:19:15,721
And I went to maggie's
and I just got here.
374
00:19:16,790 --> 00:19:18,357
What are you doing,
checking up on me?
375
00:19:18,425 --> 00:19:20,159
Look, fine.
You don't believe it?
376
00:19:20,226 --> 00:19:23,729
I'm sick of this, okay?
377
00:19:23,797 --> 00:19:25,597
How many times
did your father call?
378
00:19:25,665 --> 00:19:28,567
He hasn't.
379
00:19:28,635 --> 00:19:29,902
But Aunt Maggie called.
380
00:19:29,969 --> 00:19:31,503
She's been looking
for you all night.
381
00:19:31,571 --> 00:19:33,439
Well, we all know
she's full of it.
382
00:19:33,506 --> 00:19:35,407
She doesn't know what
she's talking about.
383
00:19:35,475 --> 00:19:36,542
Woman doesn't know
what's happening
384
00:19:36,609 --> 00:19:38,911
One minute to the next.
385
00:19:38,978 --> 00:19:40,045
Sure, mom.
386
00:19:40,113 --> 00:19:42,047
What, you calling me a liar?
387
00:19:42,115 --> 00:19:44,083
No, I just said
that she called.
388
00:19:44,150 --> 00:19:45,617
What the hell
do you care?
389
00:19:45,685 --> 00:19:47,753
You really want to know
what I was doing tonight?
390
00:19:47,821 --> 00:19:49,655
Because I will tell you.
Shut up, mom.
391
00:19:49,723 --> 00:19:52,958
Don't you tell me to shut up,
this is my house.
Why'd you even come home?
392
00:19:53,026 --> 00:19:55,227
You apologize.
393
00:19:55,295 --> 00:19:57,196
You apologize to me!
394
00:19:57,263 --> 00:19:59,064
I'm sorry.
395
00:19:59,132 --> 00:20:00,566
Telling me what to do
396
00:20:00,633 --> 00:20:02,701
When you've got your little
girlfriend spending the night.
397
00:20:05,005 --> 00:20:07,339
Dragging conner
trash over here.
398
00:20:07,407 --> 00:20:10,109
Another slut just
like her sister.
399
00:20:19,319 --> 00:20:21,487
Darlene, i'm sorry.
400
00:20:24,324 --> 00:20:28,494
Hey, "slut" didn't bother me.
401
00:20:31,031 --> 00:20:33,732
"just like her sister"
part that hurt.
402
00:20:43,943 --> 00:20:47,246
[tv]Merry Christmas!
403
00:20:47,313 --> 00:20:48,947
Merry Christmas, George.
404
00:20:49,015 --> 00:20:51,917
Merry Christmas,movie house!
405
00:20:51,985 --> 00:20:55,354
Merry Christmas, Emporium!
406
00:21:07,567 --> 00:21:09,802
A tape!
Mom, great.
407
00:21:09,869 --> 00:21:12,304
Those glorious
hollywood musicals.
408
00:21:12,372 --> 00:21:15,240
I hope you don't have it.
409
00:21:16,743 --> 00:21:19,712
Not this volume.
410
00:21:19,779 --> 00:21:22,481
Good, I had an awful
time finding it.
411
00:21:22,549 --> 00:21:23,982
Isn't it funny
412
00:21:24,050 --> 00:21:26,418
That that one special gift
you're looking for
413
00:21:26,486 --> 00:21:32,157
Always happens to be at the
very last car wash you go to?
414
00:21:32,225 --> 00:21:34,493
That explains
my windshield compass.
415
00:21:37,497 --> 00:21:40,566
So, what time did
Nancy and Marla leave?
416
00:21:40,633 --> 00:21:42,034
About an hour ago.
417
00:21:42,102 --> 00:21:45,871
After their sixth encounter
under the mistletoe.
418
00:21:45,939 --> 00:21:47,773
Well, you know
what they say, Dan,
419
00:21:47,841 --> 00:21:52,211
Every time lesbians kiss,
another angel gets her wings.
420
00:21:53,279 --> 00:21:54,513
Morning.
421
00:21:54,581 --> 00:21:56,315
Hey, everybody, how's it going?
Hey, Nana Mary.
422
00:21:56,383 --> 00:21:58,017
Hello, Darlene.
Here.
423
00:21:58,084 --> 00:22:00,486
Hey, you get over here.
We're opening presents.
424
00:22:00,553 --> 00:22:02,087
How was your night?
425
00:22:02,155 --> 00:22:03,122
Oh, it was okay.
426
00:22:03,189 --> 00:22:04,289
David and I made up.
427
00:22:04,357 --> 00:22:06,759
Oh, so, what, did you
make up part of the way,
428
00:22:06,826 --> 00:22:09,828
Or did you make up completely?
429
00:22:09,896 --> 00:22:12,564
No, mom, it was after
Mrs. Healy got home.
430
00:22:12,632 --> 00:22:14,066
Good, at least
you weren't there alone.
431
00:22:14,134 --> 00:22:15,701
Yeah.
432
00:22:15,769 --> 00:22:17,102
Well, I'm gonna
go upstairs.
433
00:22:17,170 --> 00:22:19,738
Will you save me some yams?
I'll be right back down.
434
00:22:19,806 --> 00:22:21,373
Yeah.
435
00:22:28,648 --> 00:22:32,051
See, mom?
I told you there's a god.
436
00:22:36,356 --> 00:22:39,291
437
00:22:40,827 --> 00:22:46,031
[tv]every time a bell rings,an angel gets his wings.
438
00:22:46,099 --> 00:22:50,936
That's right.That's right.
439
00:22:51,004 --> 00:22:54,606
Atta-boy, Clarence.
440
00:22:54,674 --> 00:22:58,677
for auld lang syne...
40602
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