Original subtitles

♪ Tell a story of a life together ♪

♪ every house an allegory ♪

♪ like the smell of smoke, it lingers on ♪

Astor?

- Hi. - Hey.

You wanted to, um, talk about Mila.

We broke up yesterday.

You were dating her?

Um... I want you to help me get her back.

Oh, Mila and I aren't friends anymore.

That's okay. She hasn't changed at all.

Oh, well, you're probably better off, then.

She was never interested in people

for the right reasons, anyway.

Yeah.

Look, Mila wants a ladies man,

confident guy who gets all the girls.

It's not you, is it?

I could learn.

You could teach me.

I just need techniques that work.

4:00?

3 past.

Would you like to grab a coffee?

You had to ask the time

before you knew you wanted to ask me out?

Asking the time was my in.

I couldn't hit on you straight up.

Well, you should've asked straight up. It shows confidence.

Okay. Okay. Let's go again.

Hey, what's up, girl?

Want to roll with me, get some coffee?

Yeah, I want to roll with you,

right off my feet off the sidewalk and into the gutter.

- Let's do it. - Ain't happening.

You're putting on a persona. Are you an actor?

- No. - Then why are you acting up now?

Hold the bus.

12:00. May not be possible.

10:00, 11:00, stop thinking with your cock.

What are you hesitating for? Go.

I can't run after her. That's desperate.

You said never look desperate.

You know the deal. Go now.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Um, sorry, can I ask you a question?

Sure, spit it out.

- Oh, that's charming. - Prince charming.

- Well, what's the question? - Can I buy you a coffee?

How long is this question you have to ask me

over a cup of coffee?

That's the question.

I don't even know you.

I thought you were, I don't know,

doing some environmental survey or something.

No, I'm just a boy asking a girl for a coffee.

See that machine in there... coffee is only $1.

Yeah. Go get high.

Congratulations. Your first win.

If I was begging.

Asking a random cutie straight up at this stage

was guaranteed to get you knocked back.

- That was the plan. - An evil plan.

To get you used to being knocked back.

Didn't hurt much, did it?

Hurt like a paper cut on my eyelid.

No pain, no game.

So you're saying I got game?

You're playing the game. You haven't got game.

- But I be a player, yo. - All in good time.

Right now, you pay to play. You got the money?

I have to pay you?

No, I was just being silly, but seriously, can I borrow $20?

Here you are, sir.

- Hey, you idiot. - What?

- Oh! Oh! I-I-I-I... - What is this?

What am I supposed to do with this?

III-I'm sorry. I didn't know.

I didn't... you should... but buy your... buy another soda.

Buy yourself a soda.

Okay.

Sorry, is my son bothering you? Come on, astor.

- Idiot. - Very sorry.

So, how did you and Mila get together?

Well, let me tell you about it.

Must've been the mixing drinks.

Sambuca and bloody Marys don't really go well to-together.

- Just one more cabernet. - Well...

- Wee. - Oh.

♪ When they fight, they fight ♪

Oh!

♪ And when they come home ♪

Oh.

Happy Birthday, astor. Your birthday cake.

- Thanks, mom. - Cherry, like you like it.

Maybe tomorrow.

I'm sorry.

All right.

Okay.

♪ Was it too much too soon? ♪

♪ Was it little too late? ♪

♪ He got the message she left on his car in the rain ♪

♪ And then the words that come to you ♪

Oh.

- Astor. - Hi.

Hi. Hi.

♪ You just can't let it go ♪

You're a little drunk.

Oh.

Okay.

I'm just a little tipsy.

Okay. Okay.

There's no clocks.

Oh.

Okay. Sorry.

- Okay. - That's my boob.

Yeah.

You all right?

You love me.

You're the best.

No one loves me like you love me.

I love you, too, Mila.

Cold.

It's cold in your house.

I just puked in my mouth.

I told you to go easy.

It's not the liquor.

It's your sob childhood sweetheart tale.

More than half the world is female,

and you hold out for someone you liked as a kid.

It's kind of pedophilic.

True love lasts the ages.

True love involves sex, not abstinence.

You skipped teenage sex

because your 4-year-old self had a crush?

I was a late developer. Highest vocal range in the church choir.

Oh, so pedophilia came naturally to you, then.

She was worth the wait.

Sip.

Rinse.

Spit.

Smile.

Kiss.

21 years and 43 days since our last kiss.

Wow. I think I remember.

It was behind the toilets, right?

Did we just kiss?

- We were 4 years old. - Right, so probably just kissed.

That'd be weird.

Who do you think's gonna be happier... your mom or mine?

Probably yours.

Yeah, you're probably right.

She knows you're everything I ever wanted.

Blind confessions of love

ain't gonna cut it with a girl like Mila.

If you're too sweet, you'll turn most girls off.

You need attitude, edge, and a hell of a lot more confidence.

You paying attention?

- I'm taking notes. - No, stop.

You've got to let it flow, not produce a paper on it.

When you're a player, you'll know.

The girls will know, and everything will be easy,

like shooting fish in a barrel.

Hi.

Hi.

One for every day we've been together.

Just like Monday.

- How's your paper going? - Good.

So unfair you get all this work

right when we've become a couple.

Yeah. I know.

I can't really stay out that late either tonight. Sorry.

I've got some good news. I started studying cardiology.

I'm not gonna get a degree like you,

but I thought perhaps I could help you study.

That's really... that's sweet.

I've got another surprise, too.

But I'll tell you... I'll tell you about it.

I've always been here beside you.

Your beauty weakens my knees.

You never knew.

How could you?

Each glance and every word a tease.

I couldn't believe it when I had you.

I never thought I'd break through.

I could only barely hold back the tears

from my... Deep and frightful fears.

This bond is new.

Though it'll go on after we've turned to dust,

our children will one day remind you

of this beautiful love and trust.

♪ Yeah! ♪

♪ Yeah! ♪

♪ Yeah! ♪

♪ Yeah! ♪

♪ Yeah! ♪

Ooh. You first.

♪ Yeah! ♪

♪ Yeah! ♪

♪ Yeah! ♪

Oh. Okay. Okay.

Oh, you're so scared.

No, I'm fine.

I just... okay.

♪ You can have it if you want it ♪

Ooh, hey, that's my nipple.

Oh.

Did I do that?

Yeah. When we were 12.

That's the cigarette burn?

- Yeah. - That's crazy.

Your dad caught you smoking,

and you panicked and put it out on my chest.

You got punished.

I still can't cook with a wooden spoon.

Should I turn off the lights?

Yeah, I'm sobering up anyway.

Oh.

♪ It's everything you dreamed of ♪

♪ What you want ♪

- Yeah. - All right.

Okay.

♪ Just don't blow it ♪

♪ Everything's going down ♪

Oh.

I'm surprised you didn't get lost in the dark.

I think I might be a natural in the bedroom.

Let's wait and see when you've slept with more than one girl.

She might've been faking.

- Do you fake? - No.

If a guy's inadequate, it helps him to know.

When I give a compliment, I mean it. Comes from the heart.

Or the clitoris.

It's not clitoral stimulation that does it for me.

- It's inside. - Me, too.

It's all about the heart.

I'm talking about the g-spot.

Oh, the g-spot. I'll keep that in mind.

And don't worry. I won't write it down.

Oh, that one you can tattoo to your hand.

- Boo! - Hey.

Oh, the main symptoms of V.T. are... no cheating...

palpitations, light-headedness, and...?

I think I have V.T.

I'm serious. I think I have V.T.

I don't want to do the exam. Will you do it for me? Please?

I will do anything.

- Anything? - Well...

...Maybe not anything.

Hey. So, this is the guy you've been hiding?

Hi. I am astor, and, yes, I am the boyfriend.

- Hi, I'm Jenny. - Hi, Jenny.

- Astor. - Oh. Hi.

- Hey. - Hey.

Whoa. Sorry.

Boyfriend?

Want to come pump some iron? Boost your testosterone?

My doctor says I shouldn't...

got enough testosterone as it is.

Hey, um, did Mila tell you

about my birthday party on Saturday?

I was just telling him about your birthday party on Saturday.

Sounds like fun.

- Cool. - Yeah.

Yeah, it's gonna be fun.

Lucky you got out of that one.

I got her an 89.

You did her exam?

II could've got it in the 90s

if I just knew my aortic stenosis.

Any of this help with your zoology degree?

My average dropped 10% with the extracurricular studies.

I should've played hard to get.

Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Kiss! Kiss his face!

Oh!

What?!

I was... I was gonna do it!

I know. It's fine. It's not your fault.

All right. Astor. Your turn, buddy.