Original subtitles

The ultimate aim of any hotel is to be fully booked

every day, every week, for every month of the year.

For those of us who work in them,

the only good hotel is a full one.

We have absolutely nothing available

until after the weekend, Madam.

Not because it means money,

that's for the management and the accountants to worry about.

We love a full hotel because when a hotel is busy,

time for the workers passes a lot quicker.

Two veal, one risotto, one beef.

And this time, let's get the dishes on the table

before the customers are heading home to their babysitters, OK?

But when it's slow, you have time on your hands.

Allo, Neville? It's Tony.

Yeah, can you put me 50 quid each way on...

And with time on your hands

it's hard to stay focused on the job

and that's a real problem for management.

I should go.

Are you sure about that?

Mmm

Half-an-hour I've got to explain to the Board

why I haven't booked any big events

over the last two weekends

and why, as a result, we're ??50,000 down on the last quarter.

Yeah, but it's not your fault, is it?

I'm the boss now.

Everything's my fault.

Well, I already told you a good cure for stress.

And I told you, we really don't have any time.

Oh, you're a nightmare.

I really, really need to concentrate.

Right. And am I being distracting?

Yes.

A weekend without at least one major function

is a financial disaster for a big hotel.

Poor Charlie. What he needs right now,

is what we all need,

a miracle

Charlie? You are not going to believe this!

It's incredible!

It's a miracle!

Wow!

Hotel Babylon S03E03

Donald Stern is the most powerful hotelier in London.

This isn't just any function.

This is THE society event of the year.

Naomi Stern is the heiress to the Stern fortune,

Earl Archer's a multi-millionaire

and I've secured their wedding here this weekend!

Does it get any better?!

Great, Emily.

But you should have informed me.

And why does Donald Stern want his daughter's wedding here

when he owns three of the biggest hotels in London?

He'd booked the Compton, but Naomi went ballistic.

Who wants their special day in a hotel they grew up in?

And you've informed the other departments?

We've no other functions this weekend.

We have a book launch.

Oh, right, yeah.

Millionaire dietary guru,

Brad Shelford's book on clean living.

How much money do you think he's going to spend at the bar?

I managed to get hold of Lizzie and she's in France.

So, we haven't got a wedding planner. I can handle it.

This is exactly why I was brought here!

To get this place talked about.

Really?

Yes. Think about the news coverage, the money!

What's with all the paps outside?

Are we expecting a big celeb?

Suppose all this is down to you as well?

I might have made a couple of calls.

I haven't sanctioned anything yet.

With a number one event in the hotel

it would give you an easier ride in the board meeting this morning,

wouldn't it?

Sound Anna out, see if she's up for it.

It's OK, you don't have to say it.

What?

"Thank you, Emily."

If this goes pear-shaped,

it'll be your head on the block, understood?

Mm-hm!

Need a snap, lads?

Brad Shelford? B-R-A-D.

Anything I tell you to do, you do it,

no questions asked.

The Sterns are used to the best of the best.

I know these people, Emily.

I understand perfectly what's required, thank you.

Of course you do.

Now, let's go over an itinerary.

- Hope to see you soon.

- You will.

There's no need to drag that much carcass around.

Just five minutes with me and her life'd be changed.

Guaranteed.

You must be Mr Shelford?

And guest.

- Here for the book launch?

- Bingo.

Not a bad pap turnout, eh?

Oh, they're actually here for Naomi Stern's wedding.

Oh, well they got a bonus with us turning up then!

You're in room 913.

Thank you.

I'd like to see someone ASAP about my dietary requirements.

OK. I'll let the Restaurant Manager know.

And I asked for the mini bar to be emptied.

Just one snack can send you back!

Mind over fatter!

- Good night at the tables, Otto?

- What do you think?

Er, friendly warning,

you've got the day from hell coming your way,

courtesy of your friend, Emily.

Thank you so much for putting my name forward to Emily.

If I wasn't so busy I'd show you just how grateful I am.

So, when you're in that meeting with those stuffy businessmen,

think of me naked, on my knees, grabbing your co...

Contracts...

Er, for... For the people...

in hotels...who, erm...w-work.

Erm, er...

Well, that livened up a rather dull meeting.

I just wanted to say thank you.

Actually, I had an ulterior motive for recommending you to Emily.

I want you to watch her for me.

Why?

Because she never plays straight

and I need someone I trust keeping an eye on her.

Anything unusual happens...

you come to me OK?

Otto.

Once again virtuoso ingenuity triumphs over plodding ineptitude.

Oh, I was just doing my job.

Let's hope it catches on.

The Stern wedding is the kind of event

that you and I were born to manage.

Abso-bloody-lutely.

Any thoughts on the menu?

Well, I think it might be time to unleash

the full array of my incomparable talents, don't you?

I thought something simple yet sublime.

How about a starter of lobster

and caviar with sauteed fois gras and Sauternes jelly,

followed by poached turbot in a champagne and sea urchin veloute.

Oh!

Topped off with white chocolate mousse,

poached cherries and gold leaf?

Oh, God, you're good.

No...WE'RE good.

Oh!

I thought they were coming later!

Ring Jackie, we need to sort out the rooms.

I'll send word to the kitchen.

Are we anywhere near ready, Tony?

Not even close.

Let's look as though we are.

How the hell do they find us so quickly?

We only left the Compton 20 minutes ago.

I'll deal with that.

Mr Stern?

I'm Charlie Edwards, Manager of the hotel.

Heard all about you, Charlie.

Good to meet you.

I'm a huge admirer,

and it's a pleasure to welcome you to Hotel Babylon.

No, it's a pain in the arse

cos you're all going to be buzzing like blue-arsed flies

for the rest of the weekend.

But I appreciate the professional courtesy.

Well, I can assure you

we'll make it a weekend to remember.

Wow!

Earl's going to love this place.

Makes the Compton look positively stuffy.

It's perfect.

The perfect place for my perfect wedding.

Let me introduce you to my daughter and bride-to-be,

Naomi.

To be honest, I can't wait to get her off my hands.

Daddy!

Is this more what you had in mind, Helena?

You know me, Donald.

As long as there's a bar, I'm happy.

Well, we're delighted you chose the hotel

and I hope that...

Emily!

Hi! How are you?

Good!

Helena!

She's made me the maid of honour.

- The irony's totally lost on her.

- Thanks for sorting this.

Glad to be of help.

So, it's obviously not some happy accident

that you chose the hotel?

No, the three of us were at school together.

Take it, it wasn't Moss Side Comprehensive.

No, we were in the same house at Roedean.

Ah, Roedean.

While we're organising rooms,

can I find you somewhere quiet?

- I'm going to talk to Charlie,

sort out a few details. Man to man.

- Sounds terrifying.

Come on.

You've got a special one there, Charlie.

Haven't we just?

The key to doing last-minute

is to keep everything of the highest quality,

but simple.

I'll pass it on.

It's my little girl's wedding day

and I probably spoil her,

but I want it to be as perfect as we can make it.

Absolutely, I understand.

So tell me to back off if I start treading on anyone's toes.

It's just that...

Earl Archer is very young, very rich, and very American

and he expects the best.

So tell your staff, no corner cutting,

no make-do, no slap-dash.

I know every trick in the book

and I'll have their guts for garters.

You'll be second in line behind me!

Call me Donald.

I like you, Charlie.

You're straightforward.

No airs and graces like some of the ponces in this business.

You can count on me, Donald.

I nearly went to Roedean, but my father

Just think, we could have all been classmates -

how crazy would that have been?

Imagine.

We've found rooms for all the wedding party.

How did you clear the other guests?

I told them Russian Diplomats had been staying in the rooms yesterday.'

If you'd like to calmly follow the other guests,

we'll have your luggage cleansed

and delivered to your new hotel.

Ah, the old Polonium-210 trick.

Works every time.

We clear entire floor in seven minutes.

James, will the restaurant be ready for the rehearsal dinner?

Didn't you say you wanted it ready by seven?

Yes. Then it'll be ready by seven.

A rehearsal dinner?

Where they practice their lines or something?

It's where everyone gets to meet each other before the big day.

Isn't that right, Emily?

I wouldn't want to get my etiquette wrong,

show my ignorance.

If we all pull together,

we can make this weekend work

and I promise you Hotel Babylon will never look back.

What would we do without you?

My priority is the improvement of this hotel.

I started that process by bringing Otto here

and I will continue it with this wedding.

If anyone has a problem then they can speak to me.

I'm sure everybody's keen to make the wedding work.

Now given that you're all working this weekend,

I'm going to be introducing the tronc system.

Nobody uses that any more!

All tips go into a central fund,

and are divvied out at the end.

Given the class of guest,

I'm sure there'll be plenty to go round.

So who's going to hold the kitty then?

You want me to do it?

Mm, I think it would be better

if it was somebody who could count.

Not you either, you skin-flinty prig.

- All right I'll do it.

- With all due respect, my darling,

the only person you look out for when it comes to money

is yourself.

Guys, it has to be someone we all trust.

Great. Looks like we all agree.

As soon as the book launch is finished,

we have to clear the entire bar area ASAP.

OK.

Excuse me, I'm looking for the Sterns.

You're Earl Archer?

- Yes, I know.

- Anna Thornton-Wilton.

I saw the article in last month's Vanity Fair!

I had no idea that you'd donated so much money

to the famine relief and to the land-mine victims...

- Well, you do what you can.

- Oooh, thank you.

And it also said that you've got houses

in London, and New York, and Paris and Dubai.

Wow.

You wouldn't be angling for a little job, would you...

You never know what's around the corner.

..Anna?

Actually, this weekend my job,

is to look after your gorgeous bride-to-be.

Mr Archer? I'm Emily.

Head of PR and your Wedding Planner.

Yeah, I'm her assistant.

Would you like to go up and see Naomi

or shall I call her down here?

Well, let's see.

Do I want to hang out in this Vegas-style,

crap-shooting hall and get a migraine,

or go see the girl that I love?

Tough decision.

- Donald! How's it going?

- Stressed, anxious, harassed...

And that's just Naomi.

Perhaps she'll calm down now that you're here.

You should have told her we were keeping the wedding at the Compton,

would have saved us all a little grief.

You've got a lot to learn about women, Earl.

Or maybe you have a lot to learn about your daughter.

You over-indulge her, Don, you always have.

How's the Brunswick?

Brian treating you well?

Yeah, it's good. It'll do till we get to the Seychelles.

So...if you're marrying his daughter

you can talk to Mr Stern like that.

Is it true he's worth $5 billion?

Well, if he is, it doesn't buy class.

No. Some people...not classy.

A top-class wedding in a five-star London hotel

can cost you around ??00,000.

Whatever your requirements, we'll accommodate them.

Nothing's beyond our means.

And nothing is too much trouble.

You pay and we'll supply.

And what better place to have your big day,

than in a fully-stocked, fully-functional castle of dreams?

Put your big day in our hands

and you can guarantee yourself a wedding to remember.

And if you're happy. Then so are we.

And the happier you are,

the deeper you'll dig

and the deeper you dig, the happier we are.

USA, three, England, a stingy one.

Excellent. I'll put it with the rest.

Oh, keep an eye on the doormen.

I'm sure I saw a couple of them palm some money just now.

- Ben!

- Yeah?

If any of that tronc goes missing,

it's you we're bundling into the back of an unmarked van.

- Thanks, Tony.

- No problem.

But what's most important is a fuller understanding,

permanence and stability in your loss.

This is Brad Shelford.

To those of you about to diet, I salute you.

I'm not surprised the Sterns chose my restaurant.

It's got class written all over it.

Look like a Neapolitan brothel to me.

Then you'll feel right at home, won't you, Gino?

I wouldn't waste too much time on the surroundings.

Once they tuck into my cuisine,

they won't give a damn where they are.

That menu should be framed and hung in the Tate.

I need to know what wine.

Mind if I see what they're eating first,

you Appennino bumpkin?

APPLAUSE OK, yeah, fine.

Excuse me.

There you go.

Excuse me. Mr Shelford?

I'm James Schofield, the Restaurant Manager.

Ah, James. Excellent.

I understand you have some dietary requests to talk through.

I do indeed, James.

I'm available at your request.

We can go through the menus together.

Oh, I appreciate it, mate.

The pleasure's all mine.

What can you possibly have to say to that anti-food fascist?

He has some worries about the menus.

I said I'd be happy to discuss them.

But you hate it when guests make silly food requests.

No. I hate it when some plebeian amoeba

wants his chicken nuggets fried in low fat oil.

Mr Shelford is an entirely different class of guest.

Who is this Shelford guy?

He drives a 997 Cabriolet, I can tell you that much.

What's he got that I haven't got?

A million pound book deal?

Earl, it is a really good opportunity.

Particularly if you're looking to establish yourself in Europe.

Do you mind if we don't talk about this right now?

A lot of competitors are looking at this particular market.

In case you haven't noticed, I'm getting married tomorrow.

Oh, don't worry, - I've noticed.

- Sweetheart? Earl?

Come and say hello to one of my oldest friends.

If you could make a few enquiries that'd be great, mate.

No, just call it a gut instinct.

Have you seen Emily?

Working the room, apparently.

Excuse me.

Dinner was lovely, thank you.

Sir, there's really no need...

Thank you!

But I thought he was joking,

especially as he was just standing there in just his ankle socks.

Did you want something?

Erm, yes...

These arrived for the bride.

I think they may be shoes.

- I hardly need them now, do I?

- Right.

So what would you like me to do with them?

Well, why don't you take them up to the room

and check if Jackie has sorted out the flower arrangements.

OK.

Emily keeping you busy?

Oh, yes, yes,

I'm running around like a headless chicken

while she sits there like Lady Muck.

And now I have to take these up to the delightful bride's suite. Mmm.

If you need a hand?

Are you offering?

Don't tempt me.

Why not?

Because I probably couldn't resist.

What are you doing fraternising with guests?

My job.

Oh, it may look like I'm enjoying myself,

but I'm working,

making sure everyone is having a good time.

Because if everyone has a good time

then they come back to the hotel,

and then the hotel makes money.

It's not because these are all your old friends?

Of course not.

OK.

Everything OK?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Are you on for the party?

I'd love to, but I can't...

Another successful launch.

A lesser man could get tired of this.

I'm going to powder my nose.

Right you are, sweet-cheeks.

Lovely girl.

Yeah, she has her uses.

I used to be married, you know.

Oh, yes. Eight stone heavier,

two kids, three-bed semi, the lot.

Now...living the dream, my friend.

You're a big success -

beautiful girl, beautiful car, beautiful life.

What's the secret?

All my secrets are in here, Gi

Hey...

Thank you very much.

Mr Shelford, I've taken the liberty of marking on the menu

where we might adapt some of the dishes to suit you.

Ah. Thank you, James.

Most people fail to appreciate that

what you put into your body is exactly what you get out.

Absolutely. My body is my temple.

Yes, but sadly the worshippers are somewhat thin on the ground.

I thought...here...

Excuse me. Er...

Time for bed, lads.

He's living the dream.

Oh! Oh.

It's a bit big.

LAUGHTER Good night.

Yeah, bound to be, eh?

Eh?

Whoargh-ha-ha!

"Hello, Mrs Edwards."

Oh, yes!

You took your time.

Little bit slow on the uptake.

Is this what you've been thinking about all day?

Yeah, the thought had crossed my mind.

What?

Nothing, I just missed you a little bit.

Yeah?

I should put this back.

You wait your whole life for your big day

and it has to be perfect, doesn't it?

Yeah. I suppose so.

Charlie, don't get any ideas.

Too late.

Have you ever been close to getting married?

What's so funny?

No, no, nothing.

I've never thought about getting married. Have you?

No. No-one's ever been rich enough

Has there ever been anyone you thought you could marry?

Mmm, interesting.

Eve was... Well, she had a kid.

Another one was a nightmare. Maybe.

Charlie.

No. My parents were divorced when I was ten.

It was horrendous.

And any of my other married friends ended up in

two-up, two-down, with a goldfish

and an absolutely non-existent sex life.

I couldn't survive like that.

You're not taking me seriously.

I am taking you seriously.

Yeah?

Yeah.

I'm taking you so seriously that I promise you

I'll never ruin what we have by asking you to marry me.

I should go before this gets out of hand.

Am I gonna see you later?

Yeah, maybe.

OK.

Welcome to Weight-Shedders.

Are you ready to change your life?'

Bring it on, big boy.

Time for Gino to live the dream.

'Are you going out?'

I've been looking forward to going out

in London for a month-and-a-half.

You know that.

And what am I supposed to do?

What you always do, stay in.

What, again?

You're the one with the strict routine, sweetheart,

not me.

Carla. Can't we just have one night in together?

Eh?

Not when I've got Mayfair on my doorstep.

- Do you love me?

- Still here, aren't I?

I thought I said the most you could spend on a necklace was five grand?

You spent eight, and another three on a ring.

You want me to look my very best for you, don't you?

I'm not bloody made of money!

Don't start, there's a good boy.

Not good for the blood pressure, remember?

Now be a sweetheart and lend me some money for tonight.

- Lend?

- Give, then.

When you're feeling down,

look at them and thank your lucky stars

you are where you are now.

Mi cojones!

Come in.

Mr Shelford?

It's James Schofield.

Ah, James.

We didn't get a chance to talk about breakfast.

I hoped we could get it organised before you turned in for the night.

Right, er...

Do you think we could do that some other time?

Yes. Yes, of course.

Is...everything all right?

Yeah.

Just a long day.

Well, I would just like to say on a personal level that

I'm thrilled that you chose to have your London book launch at Hotel Babylon.

Thank you, James.

I hope you appreciate what an inspiration you are.

It's always good to meet a proper fan.

Well, more of a grateful acolyte, really.

You helped me through a very difficult time in my life.

Did I?

Yes. Yes, you did.

So, if there's anything I can do for you.

Anything at all. Please.

No. No...I'll be fine. Thank you.

Good.

'My biggest vice is macaroni cheese.'

Actually cheese generally.

Avoid cheese and I can achieve my target weight of 12.5 stone.

I emailed this to all the hotels in London, eh?

Ah, that's a bit cruel!

Come on, he needs to have his bubble burst.

I think it's hysterical.

Now wherever he goes, all skinny, tall and stuck-up,

people only see Mr Blobby.

TUTTING Ironic, eh?

Diligently handing over my crew's hard-ear

- It's not what it looks like.

- I don't blame you, Ben.

I mean if they paid you enough,

you wouldn't have to find ways to make a little bit extra, right?

- I'll put it back.

- Why?

You obviously have some use for it.

The ironic thing is, I was going to ask you a favour.

A favour that involves a small exchange of cash.

I don't see how I can help.

Well, allow me to enlighten you.

I've got a particularly hectic weekend coming up.

My business manager's in France and I can't get hold of any ready cash.

Three grand should cover it.

Are you insane?

I can't lend you that kind of money.

- It's three grand, Ben.

It's nothing.

- Not to you, maybe.

So you can't help me, but you can help yourself?

You'd better start building the gallows and buying some rope,

cos when I tell your workmates what you've been doing,

they are going to string you up.

You wouldn't tell them.

Try me.

I can't.

Fine.

Wait!

Congratulations on coming to your senses.

I hope you've got plenty of cheese in that sandwich, James.

What?

I said, I hope there's plenty to please in that sandwich.

Either he suffers from short-term memory loss

and can't remember anything from one order to the next,

or he's feeding Venezuela from his hotel suite.

What is it?

Guy in room 913 has ordered every room service main course.

I'm glad I'm not cooking it.

Let me see that.

Job getting to you?

No. Just the personnel.

There've been endless complaints

about noise on the ninth floor.

Loud music, shouting...

People are asking to be moved.

- Jackie is not happy.

- Where's Emily?

She swanned upstairs with the bride and the rest of the girls.

Does she ever do any work?

TELEPHONE RINGS Here we go again.

Reception?

Yes, we are dealing with the problem, madam.

Another night out on the town with the B-listers?

- Sour grapes, Tony?

- Don't lose your shirt.

When he worked at the Connaught Rooms

he useto borrow money off the sous-chefs

then blow it on the tables every night.

Earning hundred times what they were,

never paid the poor sods back.

If there's one thing that the Yanks do better than almost anyone,

it's tip. This is for the tronc.

How is the total?

It's not great.

What?

Everyone but Donald Stern's been tipping

like there's no tomorrow.

- Tone. - yes?

Have you seen Anna knocking about?

She was here a second ago.

I've done some preliminary poking around

and there's definitely a very dodgy smell

coming from the Donald Stern camp.

Well, I'm going to get off for a couple of hours.

I've got some bits and bobs to do.

If you hear anything, give me a bell.

OK.

All right.

I'm looking for Emily.

- Anyone called Emily here?

- No!

- Emily has left the building.

- I'm getting married in ten hours.

- Is she OK?

She's having a fantastic time, aren't you, Naomi?

Ten hours and whoo-hoo!!!

Don't you think you should take it down a few notches?

I don't want the bride to have her stomach pumped.

She'll be getting a second wind soon.

Plus there have been complaints about the noise.

How do I look?!

Is this a party or what?!

Let's take it to the streets!

God!

What's going on?

This is the fourth room that's asked to be moved.

We came here for a nice, quiet romantic weekend break.

Ah, is it an anniversary?

We're not married, dear.

Not to each other anyway.

What the hell do you think you're doing?

Put the fire extinguisher down now, Emily.

Oops.

Let's go and find our room and get out of these wet things!

Emily!

Good for you, James.

I've heard of falling off the wagon, James,

but that's ridiculous.

Come in.

What are you doing back?

I was in the kitchens and I sensed a crisis point was being reached.

Will the young lady be joining you

or do you intend eating all of this yourself?

She left.

She got what she wanted for the night,

namely money, and headed out.

So what?

You thought you'd eat yourself into a stupor, is tha

What else have I got?

Everyone's gone!

Not quite everyone.

What's the point of it all, James?

Stand up.

Do you remember your first book?

"When you're feeling lost,

count your blessings, not the cost."

Yeah, but...

"At your heaviest times,

did you ever dream that one day you could look like this?"

"A goal achieved is a joy received!"

And you've achieved all your goals, Brad, and more.

This bleak feeling is just a momentary loss of focus.

If you're feeling lost, count your blessings, not the cost.

Exactly. Feeling better?

Much.

So...what would you like me to do with this lot?

You...can...remove the trolleys.

I will leave you...

the low-cal tuna salad and a summer berry smoothie.

Goodnight, Brad.

Good night, James, and thank you.

'Hello?'

Hello, sweetheart.

'Who is this?'

It's me.

'Brad, is that really you?'

It's Brad.

Stop! Back!

Emily?

Let me out right now

or you will be leaving this hotel faster than you can say the word,

"mis-dissal"!

I've never been threatened by a toilet roll before.

Do not laugh at me!

I'm a person of position!

Of standing...!

That's handy.

I was just about to tell you to sit down and shut up.

How dare you!

You're drunk,

you look like a nightmare

and you're heading for a hangover from hell.

So I suggest you just stay there.

I want to go and see my friends.

- You're not going anywhere, young lady.

- You really need to sleep it off.

We'll make your excuses to the rest of your party

and make sure no-one comes in here until...

SHE SNORES ..morning.

She is SO wasted.

Goodbye, Ice Maiden, hello, Oliver Reed.

Think she'll remember any of this in the morning?

Well, she'll have us to remind her.

Although we should probably keep this to ourselves.

I don't think Charlie would be too happy if he finds out.

Actually, knowing Charlie, I think he'd be pretty amused.

Is that before or after he's sacked her?

Can I ask you something?

- About Charlie?

- Yeah.

Depends what it is.

When you guys were together did you ever think that...

things could become more long term?

With Charlie?

No. Don't get me wrong,

I think he's an amazing guy,

but in terms of anything more?

Forget it.

What is she doing in empty room, scaring people?!

She's sleeping off a hangover.

Tanya, get back to work

and please don't mention this to anyone.

Do you think that we can trust her to not tell anyone?

I think we can trust it to be round the hotel staff

within the next minute-and-a-half.

Ah...I feel terrible.

Hey - you got five hours sleep.

I caught two on the staff room sofa

and Anna had to make do with an armchair.

Charlie's on his way in

so we need to make you look presentable.

Have we got six hours and a make-over team?

Yep, maybe the Andrex puppy look isn't the one to go for today.

I did manage to find you some fresh clothes.

I just wanted to spend some time with my friend Naomi.

I know you look after the guests

but you took it a little bit too far!

Mmm. Naomi's practically family.

My dad and Donald Stern were business partners way back.

Who's your father?

Damian Rushby.

THE Damian Rushby?

It was the Rushby hotels that inspired me to come into this business!

He was the first person who say true potential in me,

and he promoted me to a very important position within the hotel.

Really? What was that?

Acting Assistant Bedroom Executive.

Yeah, we've all been chambermaids in our school holidays, Anna.

You know, if he was my father,

I wouldn't bother working for a living.

No.

I don't want any handouts,

especially not from him.

I'm gonna take that bath.

Thank you.

Yeah. Whatever.

What?

I can't go in there.

They're all going to hate me.

If anyone gives you attitude,

they have us to deal with, right, Anna?

Right.

I'll just...get something to eat from the kitchens.

You "Gouda" go, James?

"Ricotta" lot to talk about.

What?

Go, while there's "Stilton".

Cheese!

They're clapping.

I think they're just glad to see you'r

And as the next person's you, Anna,

that's pretty damn fallible.

Gino's special hangover cure.

Now, your hangover will get cured,

but you can't be more than ten metres from a toilet

for at least a week.

Take it easy at first,

then build up to the bubble and...squeak.

But hey...just dip in.

You think James tuck into his macaroni cheese like that?

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

What are you doing?

Oh, James.

Meeting you,

seeing what keeping up this thin-man facade takes,

made me realise something.

What?

I can't be arsed any more.

Oh, Carla. Excellent.

You're just in time to witness a man coming to his senses.

Who?

Me.

So if you could just pack your bags

and be out of my room by ten,

that'd be great.

What about all my...?

I don't care, take what you want!

See, James, you were right.

It was a momentary loss of focus.

The fact is, I was always much happier fat.

Once I'd realised that,

it was like this huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

I mean, how ironic is that, eh?

- They're here already.

- You are joking!

Not any more, babe.

Oh, James. There'll be three more for breakfast.

And if there's any extra bacon...

Still on your winning streak?

Morning.

Morning.

There were a lot of complaints last night.

Er, yeah. Couple of the wedding guests got a bit rowdy.

But we sorted it out eventually, thankfully.

Everything OK?

Yeah, everything's fine.

Morning, Charlie.

Morning, Emily.

Are you all right?

Yeah. It was just a long night, that's all.

Anna, why don't I finish that for you,

and you take a break for an hour or so,

recharge your batteries?

Sure you'll be OK?

I'll be fine.

OK, thanks Emily.

No. Thank you.

What is this, some kind of staff love-in?

Just forging good relationships in the workplace, Charlie.

Talking of which, if you've, um, if you've got a break...

Actually, like Emily said, it's been a really long night.

So I'm going to go and put my feet up, if that's OK.

Sure.

You wanted me to get back to you about Donald Stern?

Absolutely.

Do you want the good news or the bad news?

Go on.

Actually, there is only bad news.

This is a draft press release.

Gonna hit the media tomorrow.

Donald Stern has branched out into Eastern Europe.

He's built himself ten holiday camps before he's realised that

the only holidays that the Serbs, Croatians and Bulgarians go on

are extended working ones over here.

His business is heading straight into liquidation.

He's trying to slip the wedding under the radar

before it all goes pear-shaped.

Right, let's keep this between me and you

until I have a chance to speak with Mr Stern.

Thank you.

Did you get the overnight tips?

Very disappointing.

Mind if I take a look?

Why?

Curiosity.

Does anyone else have access to the safe?

Why?

Because this is light.

This is definitely light.

From what I've heard, the tips have been very good.

Well, just not as good as I thought they'd be.

I mean, you said yourself about Mr Stern, he's...

Have you taken any money from here?

You ARE joking?

Well, somebody certainly has.

Ben, I'm gonna ask you one more time.

Have you taken any money from the tronc?

No.

All right.

Well, I'm gonna have to call a staff meeting then.

Come in.

Shut the door.

Donald Stern's business is in trouble.

He's lost a lot of money on recent investments.

And if he gets through the weekend

without having a writ slapped on him,

it will be a miracle.

So, what are we going to do?

Well, I'm gonna cancel the wedding arrangements.

Then I'm gonna ask Mr Stern and his party to leave.

We can scrape some back by asking last night's guests to pay for their expenses.

Then there's the ??4,000 deposit,

so that should cover most of our current outlay.

What?

I waived the deposit.

Donald Stern's a family friend.

If you can't trust him, then who can you trust?

It's a shame you didn't ask yourself that

when we opened our doors to him!

We can't cancel the wedding, Charlie.

The hotel needs events like this.

We can't haemorrhage any more money!

These people are rich.

They talk to each other.

It's all about reputation.

If we pull this off,

we become THE place to get married at.

If we throw in the towel, we're no-one.

That's all very well,

but I still have 100 guests expecting a six-course meal tonight,

with no money to pay for it.

Well, we can give them something, can't we?

What do you suggest?

The last thing they'd expect.

You said yourself that no-one else had access to the safe,

which means no-one else was in a position to take anything.

Come on, Tony, Ben wouldn't steal from us.

Just goes to show you never really know anyone, do you?

It's a mistake. Tell them, Ben.

You don't really need me here.

- I've got a kitchen to run.

- It IS your money as well.

It's a piffling amount, and it's not worth my time or energy.

It's not about how much.

It's about honour and respect.

Have I just stepped into a bad remake of The Godfather?

Did you take money, Ben?

I did take some money.

What?

I took ??50.

Great, he's broken under questioning

and you didn't even need to break out the thumb screws.

Can we all go now?

What was it for, Ben?

My gran's sick in Antigua, and my mum needs to fly out.

I was going to use the money towards buying her a ticket.

Sorry I let everyone down.

But there's over three grand missing. What about the rest?

I can't say. You're gonna have to.

I made a promise.

a promise to whom?

All right, we're getting nowhere.

Come on, let me have a word outside.

Thank you for coming down, Mr Stern.

We're leaving for the church in 20 minutes,

this better be good.

I'll be as quick as I can.

Please, take a seat.

Can I get you a drink. Tea, coffee?

No. Thanks.

Well, I...don't quite know where to start.

I suggest you cut to the chase, Charlie.

According to this, as of this morning,

you've gone into liquidation.

Am I right?

You knew this before you came here?

You used your relationship with Emily

to secure your wedding at the hotel.

You also used it to waive your deposit, right?

Anybody else in your party aware of what's going on?

No.

Not your daughter?

No.

Why weren't you straight with her?

She would have understood.

It's not Naomi, it's Earl.

I couldn't let him see me up on bricks.

Still can't.

Professional pride?

I'm in a financial slump, Charlie,

and I admit that being linked with the Archers can only be of benefit to me,

but first and foremost,

this is about a dad wanting the best possible wedding day...

for his only daughter.

I've never seen her so happy.

Please, I beg of you, Charlie,

don't bring it all crashing down on her.

Where did the rest of the money go?

I told you, I made a promise.

You mean you were made to make a promise.

Ben. How about I say a list of names

and you nod or shake your head accordingly, OK?

Did Gino take the money?

James?

Otto?

I want the three grand that you stole from the tronc fund.

What are you talking about?

You forced Ben to give you three grand from the tronc.

- I presume he told you that.

- What difference does it make?

I'd just like to know which of you two I'm going to sue for slander.

You do have a history of this kind of thing, Otto.

Are you having a bad weekend at the tables?

Doesn't exactly take a genius to work out what's happened.

Well, that's good news for you then, isn't it, Tony?

Where is the three grand?

Spent. Gone.

I can't believe all this bleating over three grand.

One night in the kitchen, I can make twice that.

- Then why take it in the first place?

- Because I could.

Tony, put him down.

There's no point in arguing over money,

because it now belongs to the hotel.

What?!

We've got a major problem.

Donald Stern isn't able to pay the bill.

Which means there'll be no wedding guests staying over,

and the wedding supper's going to have to be greatly reduced.

But I want maximum impact, at minimum cost.

It also means, reluctantly,

that in order to recoup some of the expenses,

I'm going to have to take the tronc.

Oh, Charlie!

I'm sure if Charlie's intending to deprive us of our hard-earned cash,

he's thought of a nice way of reimbursing us.

Mr Stern, can I have a word, please?

Thank you so much, Daddy.

This is the best day of my life.

How are you feeling?

Been better.

We've diverted the paparazzi and we also leaked the wrong church.

I don't know how I can ever thank you.

Well, there is something that you can do.

It's not for me, it's for my staff.

A bloody Michelin star chef putting his name to this slop!

Otto, you work for the hotel,

which means you do what the hotel needs,

and right now we need great, but cheap.

So muck in like everyone else.

And don't burn anything,

because you and Ben are scrubbing up the pots tomorrow

You know what?

I don't need this.

"Otto Clark" is written on a brass plaque outside.

They have got a commis chef cooking fish and bloody chips in the staff canteen!

Yes, well, once we get through today...

I am out of here,

and if you've got any sense, you'll come with me.

You're too good for this place, Emily.

WE'RE too good!

I can't just walk out!

Why not? Are you nailed to the floor?

No... This place is a dump.

It's not going to change, no matter what you do!

you are wron

This place is going to be something special,

cos the workers love their jobs and care about each other.

They're morons!

You know what?

It's people like you that give this industry a bad name.

Selfish, arrogant, egotistical bullies.

I want to be part of a team and this is the best team in London.

Oh, God!

Good luck.

You're going to need it.

A top class wedding in a five-star London hotel CAN cost you around ??00,000.

'Nothing is beyond our means, and nothing is too much trouble.

'You pay, and we will supply.'

Yes, Cava.

Oh!

At last, people appreciate you.

This isn't the menu I organised.

I'll explain everything later.

Isn't this fish and chips?

And mushy peas. Shabby chic!

What a fantastic idea!

I couldn't agree more!

'Put your big day in our hands,

and you can guarantee a wedding to remember.

'And the happier you are, the deeper you'll dig.

'What we offer is a chance to fulfil your dreams.

'But the providers of those dreams rarely become the receivers.'

Are you ready?

My staff are waiting.

Give them a call, then.

Welcome to Hotel Babylon.

For the next two days, courtesy of your boss, Mr Stern,

you will be running the place.

So, as from now, my staff are to be treated as guests.

Thank you.

''Everyone likes to be indulged.

Especially when it's unexpected, or it's been hard-earned.'

Thank you.

Neville?

Can you put me 50 quid on the 2.30 at Kempton Park?

Plucky Lad.

'And what's the reward for?

It's for being part of the team.'

Oh, God!

'The team is what it's all about.'

Budge up.

I spy with my little eye, something beginning with D.

'The most important thing is that we look out for each other.'

You didn't tell me Emily is part of hotel aristocracy.

Oh, I'm sorry. I was going to.

What really happened with the complaints?

I told you, some guests were overcelebrating,

but we dealt with it.

Anna...did I say something before? Upstairs?

No. You just said what you thought.

Catch you later.

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