All language subtitles for Hotel Babylon s03e02.eng

Love is in the air.

It's the run-up to St Valentine's Day,
and we're all hard at it.

Calling in the favours, getting together
all those romantic little extras...

...making sure we cash in on Cupid.

Nothing is too much trouble.
Everything is possible.

But as the swan appears to glide
gracefully through the water...

...the feet below are paddling furiously.

It's like a beautiful
and well choreographed ballet.

You want champagne and chocolates?
We've got them.

You want a top night in
with your other half?

We can certainly deliver
the ingredients.

You want music?

One of the world's most breathtaking
coloratura sopranos.

with an extended high range? No problem.

You want us to park our taste
at the door?

We'll grit our teeth
and make sure you and your lovely lady.

...have a night to remember.

Even the most bizarre requests,
a couple of lovebirds...

...can be accommodated.

But surprises aren't always
for the guests.

Sometimes we also get them from nowhere.

Invariably turning our little cosy world
completely on its head.

Hotel Babylon
is a triumph of tacky style.

...over nonexistent content.

If it's still here in a year,
I'll eat the chef's hat...

which is preferable to his � la carte.

Shit.

Come in.

- The worst I've ever read.
- It's the worst he's ever written.

Didn't know anyone could be that rude.

- Morning, Charlie.
- Morning, Anna.

You know, I've been taking
cancellations all morning.

I take it you've all read this.

Good to see our shiny new PR's
on top of her game.

Well, to be fair, Alexander Crawfield
didn't tell the hotel he was coming in.

Nobody spotted him in the restaurant.

I've had half the ma�tre d's
in London calling up to crow.

All I'll say at the moment is
it's nothing really to be worried about.

- A poor review...
- One dreadful review.

One duff review from Mr Crawfield
really isn't the end of the world.

Just the end of people booking
into our restaurant...

which is rapidly resembling
the Mary Celeste.

Come Valentine's night tomorrow...

...it'll just be Gino and myself
holding hands over an avocado mousse.

- I've had worse evenings.
- Sorry, but this is the one night.

...that makes up for all the other crappy
February nights in the dining room.

It's Emily's job to have seen it coming.

Hi, are you still there?

Yeah.

The last time Crawfield awarded
a one-star review...

...that Asian fusion place in Chelsea
closed within a week.

Hi. Sorry I'm late.

God, have you seen this?

Yes.

Oh. Good. Well, then,
let me get you up to speed.

with my thoughts about the chef problem.

Chef problem?
I wasn't aware we had one.

When Alexander Crawfield says.

...that our steak is as tough
as a hoodie's trainer...

we have a problem with
the person who cooked the food.

Sous chef probably cooked it.

Well, then, we have a problem with
the person who allowed it to be served.

Would you pass these round, please?

So, I've been talking to a few people.

...and I think I have come up with
a solution.

Really? We bring in a celebrity chef
with Michelin stars.

The figures make sense.
If you could all turn to page 2, please.

This line is takings, and this is time.
This the Burlington.

This is the Burlington
after they hired Jacques Salivere.

The takings went up
over 650/0 over two months.

- Where did you get all of this from?
- Let's just say I have a friend.

So, if we take away the money
a celebrity chef earns.

...for putting their name above the door,
plus the 250/0 they get on all takings...

...and the 80,000 for a head chef.

...to do the actual cooking
while they're swanning around on TV...

...then our profit margin
should look something like.

...this.

Um, oh.

Sorry, it's, uh, still a bit rough
around the edges.

Well, thank you, Emily,
for your thoughts.

- Thank you.
- However, we already have a chef here.

...that's been working here
for eight years.

And got the hotel
out of many a tight spot.

Adam's a talented chef and
talented chefs don't lose it overnight.

Charlie, Adam's been losing it
for months.

I'll be investigating what's happened.

...and I will have the situation
under control.

- Is that understood?
- Perfectly understood, Charlie.

Right. Well, tomorrow is
Valentine's Day...

...so let's forget about the reviews
and pull out all the stops.

...to make it great one for the hotel.
Thank you, everyone.

- Anna, could you stay behind a moment?
- Yeah, of course.

It's very sweet of Her Royal Highness
to offer us a box

...for the duration of the tournament.

But I am afraid
we are otherwise engaged.

Please pass on our apologies
to her private secretary.

- Good morning, sir.
- Good morning.

Good morning, madam.

I believe you have a booking
in the name of Hamilton.

Sir Ralph and Lady Hamilton.

- In town for Valentine's Day?
- Actually, no.

Ah, you're in the Hanging Gardens suite.

Your special requests
are ready and waiting for you.

Excellent. If you'd just
give us our key...

Oh, just one moment, madam.

- Do excuse me.
- Of course.

This week.

In the evenings, possibly after...

- After...
- Sir Ralph and Lady Hamilton are here.

Good. Excellent.

- Who?
- Sir Ralph and Lady Hamilton.

The computer said you wanted
to be told when they arrived.

Yes, of course I did.

And you've done that.
Thank you, Ben. Very good.

And that's exactly
what I was talking to Anna about.

Right.

Better get back to reception.

Uh, Charlie, what are you talking about?

Actually, I did want
to talk to you about them.

They're phenomenally well-connected.

...and exactly the type of people
I want in the hotel.

Actually, they normally stay
at the Arden.

However, Anna,
I want you to look after them.

...and see to it that they have
absolutely everything.

...before they've even finished
asking for it.

Really? Me?

I think you're ready
for a little bit more responsibility...

...seeing as though
we work so well together.

You won't regret it.

Oh, you can count on me!

Well, I hope so because I am.

Okay.

60, madam?
But you do not look a day over 42.

Sweet boy.

The 60th birthday is Sir Ralph's.

- Many happy returns, Sir Ralph.
- Oh, thank you.

Thank you, Ben,
I shall take over from here.

Good morning, Lady Hamilton. Sir Ralph.

I'm Anna Thornton-Wilton,
Special Guests Relations Manager.

And I shall be looking after you
throughout your stay with us.

I shall be organising your menus,
booking your cars and beauty treatments...

...and liaising between you and our staff.

- Wonderful.
- Excellent.

- Since when?
- Since Charlie just asked me to.

So back off.

So if I could take you
through the vulgarity.

...that is swiping a credit card.

Oh, by the way,
this is my son, Giles.

Oh, how do you do?

And will you be joining your parents
for dinner tomorrow evening?

Joining us? We can't get rid of the boy.

Is that your broomstick parked outside
on a double yellow, Mother?

Oh, how sweet.

I'm Charlie Edwards,
the General Manager.

How do you do?

Can I say what a pleasure it is
to welcome you to Hotel Babylon?

- Thank you.
- Quite an establishment you have here.

- Well, thank you, sir.
- Your staff are charming.

Anything you want,
Anna will get it for you.

Anything?

- Within reason, of course.
- Hmm.

Great, thank you very much.

Oh, thank you so much.
That would be so absolutely brilliant.

Yes, you're a lifesaver.

And I promise you,
you will love this place.

Okay, will do. Bye.

Adam.

No, no, no.
Don't bring that rag in here.

You know we're gonna have to
talk about this.

- There's nothing to talk about.
- You are joking?

The most feared restaurant critic in
London has just royally kick our arses.

It was a bad night.

No, no, no. That is the problem.
It was an absolutely ordinary night.

We were light on diners.
There is no excuse.

I've got some problems at home
but I am trying to sort things out.

I wanna hear that
you're on top of the job.

I wanna hear
that this is never gonna happen again.

Now, I'm under an immense amount
of pressure to deliver.

...like this hotel has
never delivered before.

Okay, okay. Message received
loud and clear, boss.

Taking the piss isn't gonna help.

- Where are the Valentine's menus?
- Yeah, I'm working on them.

Oh, come on.
I asked you for them three days ago.

Charlie, give me a break here.

Will you stop talking to me
like I'm your mate?

I'm your manager.

It wasn't so long ago
you came to me as a mate.

when you needed a 12-course
tasting for the Japanese ambassador.

...on top of a last-minute wedding
for 300 people.

- Well, that was then, and this is now.
- Ah.

I really, really need you to take
what I'm saying seriously.

Okay.

This review, it ruins business.
It puts the hotel in a state of crisis.

There's whispers of all sorts
flying around upstairs.

Now, I'll deal with that.

But be under no illusion.
The heat is most definitely on.

- Have a romantic stay.
- Here's hoping.

There's nothing like dropping
a bit of cash to get you in the mood.

She's only after one thing.

- Really?
- A ring.

He's also only after one thing.

Shame it isn't the same thing.

Oh. Nice to see someone's busy.

I'm managing six proposals, three
anniversaries and a golden wedding.

Well, we're about as popular
as a hosepipe ban.

...at a wet T-shirt competition.

Really? How many bookings you got?

Three!

Don't say it out loud,
I might have to cry.

Good morning. How can I help you?

- William Jones and Becky Shawcross.
- Ah.

Here we are. A double with, um...

- Twin beds.
- That's right.

Oh, okay.

We're abstainers.

- Abstaining from?
- Sex before marriage.

We're saving ourselves
until we go down the aisle.

Love waits.

Of course it does.

Uh, room 235 on the second floor.

The lift's over there. Have a...

- Quiet stay.
- Peace be with you, brother.

And also with you.

Perfume.

If this is a code word...

...you have to tell me
what it's for before you use it.

- No.
- I just thought a bloke in your position.

...might know what the latest smell is
out on the street.

It's been ages since I bought anything.

Okay. For a bird?

A little bit more than a bird.

I spy with my little eye.

...someone beginning with "A".

I don't know what you're talking about.

Leave it with me.

Emily, what can I do for you?

Gino, I need a bottle
of your finest bubbly.

...sent up to Sir Ralph and Lady Amelia
in the Hanging Gardens suite.

Pronto, Gino!

Oh, my God, it's...

- Otto Clark.
- What's he doing here?

Ahhh!

Mr Otto Clark.

What a pleasure it is to see you. How...

- How can I help you?
- I have a meeting with Emily James.

And someone called Charlie Edwards.

I can't believe that you've done this.

Charlie, when are you going to realise
that I'm not the enemy?

Otto Clark single-handedly
put the Chesterton back on the map.

I wasn't aware we were off the map.

Well, we're not off the map exactly.

But we're hardly a visible destination.

Publicity follows Otto around like...
Like WAGS at a football match.

I thought you should meet him.
Which is why I...

Asked him to drop by.

The cavalry, as they say
in horsey circles, has arrived.

You must be Charlie. Otto Clark.

You've probably seen me
talking bollocks on the telly.

But don't be fooled.
I can actually cook.

Your reputation precedes you, of course.

Well, the amount I pay my publicist,
I should hope so.

I'm afraid you've had
a wasted journey, Mr Clark.

- I already have an executive chef.
- Yes. He's the talk of the town.

- I don't think that's fair.
- Charlie, if only you'd try...

Thank you, Emily.

I... I really don't need
another chef, Otto.

Adam Price is excellent at his job.

Yes. Now, if you're not interested
in turning this place around...

...having the critics salivating
round the block for a table...

well, then, I can only say
I admire your loyalty.

And this Adam Price
is a lucky chap to have it.

Arrivederci, sweetheart.

- Maybe next time.
- A cook-off!

What?

Otto's Valentine's Day menu
against Adam's.

The best man gets the job.

I'm sure Mr Clark has better things
to do with his time.

On the contrary.
I'm a sucker for a competition.

You're joking?

Look at this face. You don't need me.

You will eat my food, Charlie,
swiftly followed by your words.

Roses, room 323 and lilies for 316.

Jesus, look. Porn stars, 12 o'clock.

- Huh? Where?
- At reception.

The guy who looks like a tandoori dish.

...and the girl
with the spray-on microskirt.

You sad old sexist.

Just because a girl has tits and a tan,
you think she works in porn.

I don't think, Jackie. I know.

These days, porn is a suburban housewife
being plumbed by a plumber.

...on a dralon sofa.

I had no idea
you were such an aficionado.

Just because I'm a single mum
doesn't mean all my evenings.

...are bubble baths and bedtime stories.

Have you seen the porn stars?

Okay, if he thinks they're porn stars,
they are porn stars.

You two are pathetic.

They look nothing like
sex industry workers.

Porn stars.

Hey, if those two are not
taking photos of each other.

within five minutes,
I will buy a black leather cap...

...you know, with studs around the rim,
and eat it.

Yeah, there are three of us
tomorrow night.

- Champagne.
How very kind.

- Now, also...
- Dom P�rignon, '96.

Ooh, how delicious.
Do stay for a glass.

Oh, I'm afraid I'm on duty, but also...

Giles, pour Anna a glass
of this wonderful champagne.

Of course.

Well, if you insist.

Thank you.

Try not to let the bubbles
get up your nose.

Yes.

Now, I also took the liberty.

...of ringing the Arden
where you usually stay.

Oh.

Thank you.

Wonderful hotel.

But for its spa.

They claim their deep-cleansing mud
heralds from the Dead Sea.

But I know for a fact
it comes from a hole in the ground.

...on the outskirts of Coventry.

Well, they told me
that you have a dust allergy...

...so I wondered if you'd prefer
bedding made of Amicor pure fibres.

That sounds perfect. Thank you.

- You're wasted on reception.
- Yes, yes, I am.

Um, I also wanted to check
that you've received the gifts.

...that you pre-ordered.

Right down to the velvet box
of Asprey's goodies.

I can hear you, Amelia.

She's going to ruin my surprise.

Well, I'm glad that
everything's to your satisfaction.

Such a treasure.

Thornton-Wilton, you say?

Not connected to the Surrey
Thornton-Wiltons by any chance?

Well, yes, as you happen to mention it.

I knew it.

Do you see Bunny frequently?

Bunny. It's funny
you should say that because, um...

we occasionally holiday
in the Seychelles together.

How marvellous.

We both adore to snorkel.

Bunny can hold her breath
for up to six minutes...

whereas I can only manage
a minute and a half.

Hmm! Remarkable.

One year, I got my foot
trapped in a giant clam.

God!

You idiot!

Oh!

Pick them up.

Season.

What are we doing here exactly?

Learning that there is, after all,
something as a free lunch.

We're here to lend Adam moral support,
and at the same time.

...hope that flash bastard
off the telly screws up.

The smart money's on Otto...

...because he's always doing
the Richard and the Judy.

Well, I'm supporting Adam, of course.
How about you?

I'm supporting whoever
make the restaurant full.

...and bring heavy tippers to my bar.

- Hear, hear.
- Shall we start?

Yes.

Oh, that looks wonderful.

Okay, talk me through this.

Well, we've got prawns
poached in absinthe.

...in baskets of a parsnip rosti.

with a tomato and cucumber coulis.

...and a salmon timbale salad.

Sounds interesting. Otto?

- It's a tuna carpaccio.
- Anything else?

With ingredients this good,
anything else would be superfluous.

Oh, absolutely.

Mmm...

Mmm!

Mmm.

- Mmm. Gorgeous.
- Mmm.

Well, a salmon fillet
pan-fried in cognac.

with a dill and butter jus.

...and croquette potatoes
and pickled beetroot compote.

- Salmon looks good.
- I'm a big fan of compote.

This, as you're probably aware,
is my signature dish.

Lobster ravioli
with a fois gras muslin sauce.

It's very famous and utterly delicious.

Mmm. Mmm!

Oh!

- Salmon's good.
- So filling!

Oh, God!

Now, that's good.

- Oh!
- Oh! Actually, that's very good.

Both look great.

I think someone opened
and slammed closed the oven door.

when mine was cooking.

Mmm! What, um, is that meant to be?

It's a chocolate pot.
It tastes better than it looks.

I'm sure. And yours, Otto...

I can tell on sight,
is a tarte au citron.

The lemons were flown in
from Sicily this morning.

I can smell
the groves from here.

Gorgeous. Charlie,
would you like to do the honours?

Sure.

Well?
- Hmm.

Chocolaty?

Mmm.

And now Otto's.

I must say
I'm really not a pudding-type person.

Mmm.

That is amazing.

That is unbelievable.

You should get stuck into that. Mmm!

I have to say that's good.
- Oh, that should be illegal.

Oh, my God.
Mmm.

So, what do you think of Otto's menu?

As I was expecting, superb.

Good enough for tomorrow night?

Perhaps.

- Eight years he's given this place.
- Tony, it's a question of business.

Old Charlie would have said
it was a question of loyalty.

Well done, darling. You were marvellous.

I'm sorry, Adam.

Yeah, so am I.

And so is my wife, my children
and my bank manager.

I'm not asking you to leave.

I'm saying stay
and be Otto's number two.

I'll need someone who can manage
the day-to-day.

You know the kitchens,
the team know you.

- Fine. Fine.
- It is a demotion, I understand...

Spare me
the concerned boss's spiel, okay?

I said fine. Fine means
you don't have to keep talking at me.

Fine means I'll eat shit
if that's what you want...

...just as long as you shut the hell up.

Psst.

I've been thinking.

What if the porno stars are actually
filming upstairs in the room?

How many times do I have to say it?
They're not porn stars.

But if they are, and Charlie finds out
that they are filming.

...he's going to be extremely pissed off.

- So?
- So...

I think I should do some
special undercover Gino operation.

...to find out if they actually
are in the bang-bang business.

What undercover operation?

Research on the computer.

By which you mean
watching lots and lots of porn...

...until you recognise them?

Yeah, I know, but I'm prepared
to do it for the name of the hotel.

Right.

Oh, Anna, the pillows in the suite.

- Yes, would you like some more?
- No, they're filled with duck feathers.

- Yes.
- Sir Ralph can only sleep on goose.

Goose. Right, okay.
I'll see to that straightaway.

Thank you.
Oh, do sit down a moment. Giles?

Thanks.

You know, I suddenly remembered...

Bunny Thornton-Wilton was there
when I first met Sir Ralph.

- Really?
- Yes.

We'd broken down
by the side of the road...

...so I tried flagging down
some assistance.

Suddenly, a Jaguar pulled
onto the hard shoulder.

And out stepped Sir Ralph,
lithe as a panther.

Bunny practically creamed herself.

Yes, well,
Bunny always has been a bit of a.

...creamer...

Thousands drove by but Ralph stopped.

Within minutes, he had changed
my tyre and my life.

- Six weeks later, we were wed.
- Ahh.

I came along almost nine months
to the day.

Well, that can happen when you mix
Monsieur Verve and Cliquot.

with a four-poster bed
in a French chateau.

Pavlov's dog's got nothing on that girl.

when it comes to a whiff
of money and class.

So, did you not think of having
any more children?

Oh, I'd have loved more.

But after Giles, Sir Ralph's sperm count
plunged through the floor.

...and that was that.

Sorry.

Don't be. I proved more than a handful.

- Oh.
- Oh, dear.

- Allow me.
- Oh, thank you.

Thank you.

Thanks.

- Good evening, Lady Hamilton.
- Oh.

I trust everything's
to your satisfaction?

Difficult to imagine
how it could be more so.

Anna?

I think you should get back
behind reception.

Ben is rushed off his feet.

- Um, I thought you wanted me to look...
- Now.

Okay.

- Sorry, excuse me a moment.
- Of course.

If there's anything else that you need
during the duration of your stay...

...please do not hesitate to contact me.

Of course, we will. Thank you.

See? I told you
they were filming themselves.

Is live. I've been watching the webs.

Have you been doing this all night?

Yeah, it's been difficult, but,
you know, for the good of the hotel...

Right.

Gino, we all know
that's not a broken arm...

- it's a sprained wrist.
- I'm right-handed.

I knew the spray-tan twosome
were dodgy soon as I saw them.

Can we tell if it's definitely
their room?

It's difficult to say.
The camera's way... Whoa!

Way, way too close.

- This is not good.
- Of course it's not good.

Look where he's put his...
That is his foot, isn't it?

The last thing we need right now
is to be known as the Porn Hotel.

Bloody hell.

The reverse cowgirl position.

A position to be attempted
only by the very, very bandy!

Oh, so it has a name?

They all have names.

We need one of them
to take their masks off...

...so we can be absolutely certain
it's them.

Who needs faces when the body art
tells you everything you need to know?

Boys, boys, boys.

- Oh, it's not what it looks.
- Mmm.

Tut, tut, tut.

Anna, we would very much
like to have breakfast.

...in our room tomorrow morning.

- Anna?
- Oh!

- Sorry.
- Everything all right?

Yes, no, everything's great.

Um, uh, you want breakfast
in your room tomorrow at...

In my experience, a face like that
is caused by one of two things.

Either a man, or a man.

One moment
he's being absolutely lovely.

...and the next he's being
a complete and utter bugger.

- But the thing...
- And you don't know

what you did to change things?

- And do you know why?
- Why?

Because you didn't do anything.

It isn't you.

Because in the short time
we've spent together...

I can see you're open, kind.

...and very, very lovely.

Yes, well, all I need now is a car
in which to break down.

...on the M25 so I can find
my own Sir Ralph.

Look, why don't you help me
on my shopping trip tomorrow?

My monthly splurge
on Sir Ralph's account.

Oh, I couldn't.

If I don't spend it, he'll only have to
give it to the tax man.

- Oh, we can't have that.
- Of course not.

Oh, boss. You know that perfume
you asked me about earlier?

- Ladies find this very...
- Forget about it.

It doesn't look like I'm going to be
needing it after all.

What, you gone off her already?

I really need
to offload those shares tonight.

Listen, I want you to make that sale
whatever happens, all right?

- What a cock.
- Mmm.

...and I will personally guarantee
you have a fabulous evening.

May I have
your complete attention, please?

Good morning, everyone.
My name is Otto Clark.

And for reasons
I think we are all aware...

I am your new executive chef.

Do not make the mistake that
in my kitchen.

I am the genial tit
you have seen on the goggle box.

I do the genial tit on the goggle box

...for the profile it brings
my restaurants. Full stop.

I am all about the food
and all about business.

One begats the other.

And both of them begot me
my Michelin stars.

My staff tend to call me "the assassin".

And if I see that you are no damn good,
I will come up behind you...

...and you will be asked
to get your things and leave.

So, if you are feeling shit, tell me.

If you are in the shit, tell me.

If you are shit, well,
then do us both a favour.

...and slip away now before I find you out.

Now, I have taken the liberty
of ordering us some new whites.

So, find a set that fits, quickly...

'cause we have less than 12 hours
to turn disaster into triumph.

To do that, I need all hands on deck.

...and all egos, except mine,
left at the door.

Yes, Chef.

I'm sorry, did someone speak?

Yes, Chef!

Better. Right. Let's get cooking.

So, he's here already?
- Arrived this morning.

In the biggest penis substitute
I've ever seen.

Who cares? Word's out already.
And my phone's dripping with bookings.

Happy Valentine's Day, everyone.

Thank you very much.
- Cards.

From me to you.

Don't take this the wrong way, Emily...

...but aren't Valentine's cards
supposed to be anonymous?

Well, they are if they're serious,
but this is just a bit of fun.

Fun, guys, to elicit smiling.
Very popular with the happy.

Well, I'm happy because
I have a secret admirer.

I have the evidence here.

Ah, so which poor, deluded,
presumably blind female sent you that?

I have a sneak feeling that it is
the new sexy chambermaid, eh?

- Who? Katya?
- Mmm.

She's fit, eh?

She's a lesbian.

Jackie, did you get any cards?

Just one, but it did come with these.

Anna?

No. No, not yet.

- Charlie?
- Ooh, look!

Here's one without a stamp.
Ooh, and kisses.

- Come on, who's that from?
- I have no idea, thank you.

Oh, bit of news.

I've managed to persuade
Alexander Crawfield to come back.

...and give the restaurant another shot.

What?

When?

- Tonight.
- Tonight?

Talk about piling on the pressure.

Well, Alexander Crawfield wrote us
into this mess.

We make damn sure he gets
everything he needs to write us out.

Looks like it's all hands
to the pump, then.

Well, my hands are reserved
for carrying shopping.

What shopping?

Lady Amelia asked me to accompany her
on a spree. Is that okay?

- With Giles?
- I don't think so.

Can I go?

- Enjoy.
- Great.

Look, I know it's the shortest
of short notices...

...but I have absolute faith
that Otto can pull this off.

Well, with less than 12 hours to prepare.

...and a kitchen full of lags
he's never worked with before...

...buckle yourselves in, boys and girls,
'cause we're in for a shit storm.

Why are these still here.

when they haven't been fresh
since last Saturday?

Oh, for God's sake, Adam...

...you know as well as I do
these need to be cleaned every week.

Christ, something just moved.

And that was for six people, wasn't it?

Actually, could you just hold
for one second?

Thank you very much.

Yes, of course. Is that a table for two?
I'm afraid I can only...

It's curdled. So bin it and start again.

Yes, that was a table for six?

Yes, that's confirmed.
Great. Fine. And your name?

Thank you.

No. I have enough, darling.

All right.

Anna, this is for you.

- What?
- For all your help. I insist. Here.

Oh, Lady Amelia.

Giles is a handsome chap,
but necklaces really aren't his thing.

Oh!

Oh, it's adorable.

As are you.

- But I can't accept it.
- Anna.

No, as much as I would love to,
it would be totally unprofessional.

But thank you so much for the thought.

You really are quite a remarkable
little thing, aren't you?

It's nice that someone notices.
Thank you.

Right then, where next?

- Cocktails.
- Great.

Bye now.

Do these say "Otto Clark"?

No, they say "Inoffensive Modernism".

- Change them.
- To what?

Well, something better, obviously.

More inoffensive, or more modern?

I think we should put
Alexander Crawfield in the middle.

No.

This'll be next to that boring bloke
from The Sunday Times.

- The corner is much better.
- Oh, no. No, that's near the kitchen.

He hates to sit near the kitchen.
Didn't you know that?

In a couple of hours, people are
gonna be queuing up to eat here.

God knows I'm grateful to you
for that, Emily.

But I am the restaurant manager
while you are PR.

I'll stay out of your photo shoots
if you stay out of my restaurant.

Excuse me, can you tell me
where I can find the nearest drugstore?

I'm, uh, looking for some baby oil.

- Baby oil?
- Yeah, you know, baby oil.

Yeah, I know what baby oil is for.

Vaseline would be equally as good.

Oh, my God. Oh, uh, Jackie! Hi!

- Can I borrow you for a second, please?
- Yeah.

Um, Mr Arden here would like
some baby oil and Vaseline.

Or Vaseline.

And please move this couple
away from the Christians now.

Let me direct you
to the nearest chemist.

It's probably best if you step outside.

Can I be of any help?

We're just interested
in the time of the evening service.

- At St George's, Hanover Square.
- Of course you are.

I'll find out and have the details sent
straight up to you.

- Bless you.
- Bless you.

Phew!

Aha! I see you two have been pushing
the materialist envelope.

I won't tell you how much I've spent.

I bought Anna a beautiful necklace
but she won't accept it.

Oh, it fair restores my withering faith
in human nature.

Anna, why don't you join us
for a drink before dinner this evening?

Oh, no, I wouldn't want to intrude.

Oh, stop that.

Come at 7:00. Don't be late.

Oh, okay!

Pull this off, it'll be a miracle.

O ye of little faith.

- How's it all going?
- Swimming along.

We're one stroke ahead of calamity,
but we're getting there.

Excellent. Keep up the good work.

That's the fourth time you've tasted it.

And I'll continue to do so
until you get it right.

It's perfect.

Veal has a delicate flavour
which you have completely swamped.

- Bollocks.
- You've over-seasoned it.

It's a tendency of chefs
who have lost the plot.

I have not lost the plot.
I've just hit...

You had your chance and you blew it.

Now, I've got 175 covers
coming through a door.

- with my name over it.
- Yeah, don't I know it.

Your job is to do as I tell you...

...not to burn with resentment
while you wallow in self-pity.

Yes?

Yes.

Yes, Chef.

Screw you.

Hello.

I trust he's not gonna be taking
business calls all night.

I think he's up to something. It being
Valentine's night and everything.

Fingers crossed it's a rock
the size of Gibraltar.

Bye.

Action stations, action stations.
Crawfield is in the building.

Repeat, Crawfield is in the building.

- Hello?
- He's here.

I'm on my way.
Ring Charlie and let him know.

Ah!

It is such a pleasure to have
your company again, Mr Crawfield.

If there is anything you require,
anything at all...

...you can be assured
of my personal attention at all times.

Just a seat and a menu
will be sufficient for now.

- Yes, of course.
- Good evening, Mr Crawfield.

Thank you for coming back so swiftly.

...and giving us an opportunity
to correct what I personally feel.

was an erroneous first impression.

Let's hope your golden boy can spin
a little magic onto your plates.

Two disgusting dinners in a row
and I'll savage you so hard...

...you won't be able to flog
so much as a packet of crisps.

- Really?
- I'm sure you'll find our menu.

...is much improved.

Genius in the kitchen must be matched
by style on the restaurant floor.

As I remember, last time the service
was about as slick as dry toast.

May I take your coats?

If you would like to come this way.

Would this table suit?

I think that one
looks a little more discreet.

Alexander's put on show all the time.
It's such a bore.

Of course.

- Alexander, how are we tonight?
- All the better for seeing you.

Christ, they must be
hugging themselves with glee.

...to have someone of your calibre.

I hope you've left your fangs
in a little box at home.

Always keep a spare set on me.

One never knows quite how tough
the filet mignon will be.

- Your menu, madam.
- Thank you.

Sir. Excuse me.

You must try the lobster ravioli.

Oh, anything would be better
than the road kill I had last week.

Oh, Alexander, you promised to be nice.

He only promised to try.

That's less a raviolo
and more a lady's handbag.

I want them nice and tight.

Yes, Chef.

- Tim, what are you doing?
- Tasting, Chef.

If it's the second time,
it's not tasting...

...it's eating the profits.
Now, swallow and get back to work.

And that goes for all of you.

Yes, Chef.

Unbelievable.

Ta-da!

Mmm, nice. Why are you still here?

One has been invited
for preprandial drinks.

with Sir Ralph and Lady Amelia.

- Mmm, lucky old one.
- But not in my official capacity...

...but as a family friend because
they obviously recognise good breeding.

You know,
Gino and Tony can recognise breeding.

Or at least they can certainly
recognise people trying to breed.

It's for you.

Going somewhere nice?

I've got drinks with the Hamiltons.

Well, I hope the outfit pays off.

- What do you mean?
- Nothing. Nothing at all.

Okay, we've got nine tables seated.

...and Crawfield ready and waiting
for your very best shot.

Everything's under control.
Could do with a head chef, though.

Where is he?

No idea. Sulky bastard minced off
about an hour ago.

How come?

Why do people walk away?
Because they can't face the truth.

Crawfield's table wants
one lobster ravioli to start.

...and one tuna carpaccio.

I want one lobster and one tuna.

I want them quick,
and I want them to die for.

Yes, Chef.
- Jesus Christ, where's he going?

- Sorry, Chef. It's the lobster!
- What do you mean, it's the lobster?

How do you know it's the lobster?

It's the only thing
I've eaten all day, Chef.

I'm sweating hot and cold
with an arse like a tap.

Seafood poisoning.

But how could it be off if it was alive
at 2:00 this afternoon?

- Lobster?
- Yes, Chef.

Bloody disaster.

Little shit.

He's used the lobster that should have
been chucked three days ago.

- Hold on a second.
- He sabotaged me, Charlie.

Your grill jockey
wants to take me and you.

...and this entire hotel down with him.

Hang on.

James.

Oh, God!

Didn't I tell you that
is the order for table eight?

I promise it will be worth the wait.

God Almighty could zap through
his signature dish.

...and it wouldn't be worth this wait.

In case you need telling,
we are now officially in the shit.

Three men down, and seven minutes
to get these dishes out.

...before the customers start walking.

This is where you earn
your testicles, gentlemen.

Yes, Chef!

You, sauce. You, new lobster.

- Have you ever made pasta?
- Yeah.

- From scratch?
- Couple of times.

- You, show him how.
- Yes, Chef.

Hello?

All that glisters is not gold
except pure gold...

"Stay pure, sweet Anna. Lady A."

Thank you very much.
- Thank you.

- Come again soon.
- Who knows? We may well do that.

All set, Daddy?

Do me a favour.
Button it till we get out of here.

Oh, I think I can help you with that.

Oh, can't you two wait?

You know your trouble, Derek?
You worry too much about appearances.

Ha, bloody ha.

- Have they gone?
- Who?

- The Hamiltons.
- Just got this for seeing them off.

- Why?
- Why?

Why, because I think
they've cleaned us out, that's why!

Their room is empty. Everything they had
charged to the room has gone.

All the shopping. Everything.

Oh, the credit card slip!

Oh!

Oh, my God!

How am I going to tell Charlie?

Give me that!

Have you heard the rumour
that Jacques Salivere.

...has checked into rehab?

Please stay.

I said rare.
- How much longer?

Nearly there.

Ah-ah-ah.

Go. Go!

Running, running, running. Running.

Your starter, sir.

- Thank you.
- Madam.

And I am terribly sorry for the delay.

Perhaps this was worth the wait.

- How's your carpaccio?
- Quite wonderful.

Oh, good.

You are just going to laugh
and laugh when I tell you how

...the Hamiltons are not the Hamiltons,
and how they ripped off the hotel.

...to the tune of approximately �45,000.

They've done what?

Ripped off the hotel to the tune
of approximately �45,000.

- See? You're not laughing.
- How?

Everything they bought
during their stay...

...they had charged to their room.
And they've packed their bags...

...and they've done a runner.
Oh, they did leave this, though.

Lady Amelia wanted me to have it,
but I said that I didn't want it.

- I think it's worth �4,000.
- Oh, excellent.

So I've only got to explain to the board
why I need to write off �41,000.

Well, actually, they tipped Ben
for loading their car, so it's �40,950.

- You checked their card.
- Yeah, but presumably.

...it was cloned shortly
before we swiped it.

- And now it's blocked.
- Didn't you notice anything suspicious?

Well, no, because they were
professional con artists, Charlie.

- I was conned.
- Sure.

Or were you so taken in by Giles.

...that you didn't look
further than his pedigree?

You told me to look after them.
I was working.

Working it, more like.

Screw you.

He likes it. He likes it!
He bloody likes it!

Well done.

Crawfield likes us.

That's great, James. Really great.

Could we get our tab, please?

You'd be amazed how many
hankies I get through on Valentine's.

I feel like such an idiot.

Here.

Call your girlfriends up
for a night out tomorrow.

Spray yourself with this
and celebrate being single.

'Cause I have a very strong suspicion
it won't be for very long.

That's right.

Leak all over your Uncle Tony.

- I want to thank you for your help.
- Mate, the thanks are all mine.

I've seen a lot of stuff
in this business, believe me...

...but I've never seen anyone
coming back from the brink like that.

Well, Emily said it would be
a challenge, and it was.

- Thank Christ you were up to it.
- Some are, some aren't.

No news on Adam, then?

- I haven't seen him.
- Chef?

Have you got your big carver?

- What?
- Your big chopper's not here.

You don't think he's gonna
top himself, do you?

Well, after what he did to my lobster,
I wouldn't complain if he did.

Otto, that's a joke.

That's your choice, Charlie.

He could be anywhere.

Well, we better start looking
for him, then.

Where's Otto?

Crawfield is about to leave
and we have to take a photo.

Otto?

Adam?

Otto?

Otto?

Otto.

Otto?

Otto?

- Oh, my God.
- Oh.

Look who it is.

The Wicked Witch of the North,
South, East and West.

Adam.

I'm in here.

- What the hell?
He's been drinking.

I'm so sorry about the ravioli, Otto.

We stopped them going out.

Shame.

Adam.
- Oh, let him.

- Shut up, Otto.
- I've lost everything, Charlie.

My job, my wife.

- Kids.
- Oh, God, Charlie.

Adam.

Otto really could have done
with you in there tonight.

You've had a bit of bad luck,
but you're a good chef.

And this hotel needs good chefs.

I'm good. He's better.

All right, he's better. So what?

You think I'm not aware
that I'm working under.

...the shadow of more
experienced managers than me?

It spurs me on to be as good as them
and maybe, even one day, better.

I don't know what to do.

Come here.

Now, listen. I never sacked you.
And I'm not going to.

I just need you take
a little bit of time out.

...to get your head together.

When you're better, kitchen's here
with a place for you.

We are so sorry.
We got a little held up.

One way of putting it. Otto Clark.

Can I just say what
a genuinely delicious meal that was?

Thank you. Coming from you
that means a great deal to me.

And you, darling, are something else.

- Thank you.
- Shall we?

- Thank you for this.
- Anything for my gorgeous goddaughter.

- Are you sure this is the room?
- Definitely. Listen.

Okay, well, we've rumbled them.
But evidence is vital.

- You mean we have to catch them at it?
- Catch who at what?

Would you mind keeping your voice down?

Those two that you swore
were not sex industry workers.

...are making porn
on the other side of this door.

Come on, listen.

I can't hear anything.

20 quid says you're wrong.

- Make it 50 and you've got a bet.
- Done.

I've had a tougher time
taking sweets from a baby.

Are you absolutely sure
about this, Tony?

Have you got that 50 quid
on you, Jackie?

Why does it always have to be me?

Hey, I would love to do it, eh,
but unfortunately my arm...

Anyway. You're the youngest,
the smallest, and the weakest.

Uh, well, I'm not swinging down.
I want to be lowered by my feet.

Come on, stop whining
like a little girl dog. Jump!

Gino. Tony. Jackie!

Ahhh!

Ahhh!

50 quid! 50 quid.

You owe me 50 quid.

I cannot believe I didn't know

...that there was a bodybuilding convention
at Earl's Court.

It's your job
to know these things, Tony.

Don't tell me standards are slipping.

Haven't you heard? Smugness is
a very unattractive quality in a woman.

- Hmm.
- Yes.

- You call yourself a five-star hotel?
- It's a disgrace!

Sir, madam, please accept my apology
on behalf of the hotel.

Whereas humble pie is exactly
what I look for in a man.

You are the worst winner
I've ever come across.

Well, if you'd listened to me
in the first place...

You knew all along, didn't you?
How did you know?

Don't know, Tony. Call it common sense.
Call it a woman's intuition.

I call it a rip-off.

Cashing in on Cupid
is exhausting work.

The romantic illusion punters pay for
takes it out of us.

Sometimes the tricks we pull
to create and maintain your fantasy.

...come at a price.

Passing off romance as love
and vice versa.

Making you think it's gonna
be hearts and flowers all the way.

The cold truth is
that there are so many things.

...that can come between you
and a real happy ending.

- Anna, I'm sorry.
- They were professionals, Charlie.

- I know.
- And you didn't spot them either.

If I wasn't... If I wasn't so busy
getting jealous, I might have.

I'm sorry.

This is too difficult.

You, me, this place, will we, won't we?

It's making me unhappy,
and I'm a happy person.

So, um, I'm gonna hand in
my resignation tomorrow morning.

- Well, I won't accept it.
- You don't really have a choice.

- Now, that I didn't expect.
- I agree.

It certainly gives new meaning
to the words "Sunday service".

The Lord really does move
in mysterious ways.

So you're stalking me now, is that it?

I know which way you walk home.
I took a shortcut.

Charlie...

As far as the insurance is concerned...

we'll just say
that they took it with them.

You deserve it.

And I want you to have it.

Just as I thought.

You look stunning.

Naomi Stern is the heiress
to the Stern fortune.

...and Earl Archer is a multi-millionaire,
and I've secured their wedding.

...at Hotel Babylon this weekend.
Does it get any better than that?

To those of you about to diet,
I salute you.

What's he got that I haven't got?

All my secrets are in here, Gino.

You wait your whole life
for your big day...

- And it has to be perfect, doesn't it?
- I suppose so.

Doesn't exactly take a genius
to work out what's happened.

Well, that's good news for you,
isn't it, Tony?

I want to be part of a team
and from what I can see...

...this is the best team in London!

Oh, God!

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