Original subtitles

- Cut it! Cut it, goddamnit!

Conrad you've done this take 18 times.

You've missed your mark three times in a row.

What is your problem, man?

- It is you who are inept, sir, not me.

Glass.

Zigarette.

You're not only talking to a horror star,

but an imminent actor.

I had played Julius Caesar on Broadway

before you were born!

I did Oscar Wilde and George Bernard Shaw

on the London stage before you

were a gleam in your daddy's eye!

I will not get excited.

My blood pressure pills.

- Please spare us the heart attack, Conrad.

I don't give a shit what you did 40 years ago.

All I'm interested in

is whether or not you can do a commercial today.

- Why don't you get Orson Welles,

or Larry Olivier?

Sir Laurence to you.

- I wish to god I had,

because you certainly weren't my choice, Conrad.

Crap, let's take a break.

Take 10 minutes!

Take 20 minutes, what's the difference?

- Shh...

Stock.

- He's dead!

- Take 19.

- Did you see the accident, sir?

- Back to the mansion, Conusif.

- Ah...

Now...

I can live in peace.

Like all other men.

- I thank you

on behalf of the City College Cinema department

and my students in the film society.

Now, without further delay,

allow me to introduce the man we've all

been dying to meet,

the last of the great giants of the horror cinema...

It's my great honor to introduce

Mr. Conrad Ragzoff!

- Ladies and gentlemen,

dear friends...

Professor Markowitz...

I thank you from the bottom of my heart

for inviting me.

The honor of...

Being here is entirely,

entirely my own.

You know...

I thought the world had forgotten me a little.

And I felt...

Bitter.

And um...

Alittle...

Disappointed.

And sick at...

Heart.

I would like to say...

I would like...

- What happened to him?

- Are you okay?

- What's your name?

- Meg-

- I am getting ready to die.

I have so much to do, Etta.

I have never died before.

And I want to do it right.

Go and get Wolfgang.

Quick!

- Conrad.

My old friend.

- Stop acting.

Do your job as director.

Is everything ready? - Yes.

Everything.

- You better do a good job

or you're fired!

Especially at the funeral.

I want it to be magnificent.

It's my last performance.

And I want an Oscar.

Do you understand?

I am to die like a star.

Conrad!

Conrad!

Are you dead?

Really dead?

Yes Conrad.

I will direct your funeral.

Your last performance...

Just as I directed all the others.

You always said the red carnation

is your signature.

There!

Perfect.

You're dressed for your greatest role:

death!

All my life I've wanted to tell you off.

Now I can't.

The world is at last rid of you,

and I am rid of you too.

When I found you, you were nothing

but a second rate waiter.

I gave you your first part!

And your last.

You made millions and I got drack!

Without me...

You would be nothing!

Goodnight, sweet prince of ham.

Go to hell!

Go straight...

- Take 20.

- The great Conrad Ragzoff is dead.

He will not allow his remains to be cremated

because he claims that he is coming back from the dead.

Conrad Ragzoff lived like a movie star

and he was buried like one too,

in a monument that is a fitting memorial...

- Okay, stand back.

Come on, everybody back up.

- Unfortunately his old director

Brandon Wolfgang Hoeffner

suffered a fatal hear': attack and never lived

to see this day.

- Goodbye, my love.

- Thank you, my friends, for coming to my funeral.

I'm appearing before you today

in a pre-recorded tape, one of many

I did before my untimely demise.

You see, I didn't want anyone but me

to star at my own funeral.

Afterwards, please be my guests

back at the mansion.

Eat your fill of caviar

and enjoy a cool glass

of champagne.

Ladies and gentlemen, a toast...

To me.

I hope you won't find the mausoleum in bad taste.

The board of cemetery directors objected

at first, but then they decided

I was a tourist attraction.

You see, a star in life...

ls a star in death.

Remember:

every time you see one of my films on tv

you're not only watching me,

but I am watching you.

- Bravo!

- It was a moving funeral.

It was downright unforgettable.

Hundreds of mourners, followers, filling the chapel.

Conrad gave his own farewell sermon from a TV screen.

Conrad's widow, Etta Ragzoff, is obviously shaken

pushing away the curious, and those who came

for a last glimpse of this great actor.

Then the funeral procession left the chapel

and headed toward the great mausoleum.

The mausoleum is something else.

It loomed above the other gravestones.

100 feet long, solid granite,

neon star twinkling with the name Ragzoff.

- Hey, what are you up to, Meg?

- You stoned or just getting weird on us?

- Wanna find out?

- You know, the whole funeral was just like another scene

in one of his flicks, I mean, I can see him get up

in those supreme deluxe tails of his and just

go wandering around the streets of Holly-weird

looking to suck some blood.

- All he'll find around here are a lot of tacky hookers.

- He lives.

He stalks.

He sucks.

Listen...

Listen to the wolves!

They are the children of the night.

Their voices are like music to my ears!

_ Hey...

Let's go visit him.

- Tell me you're kidding.

- Stu...

Get the flashlights.

There's gotta be a way to get in here.

Here we go.

- Ready, ready!

One, two...

- I don't like going in there.

He said he was coming back from the dead.

- Don't get sucked in by all that supernatural bullshit!

I mean, his whole life was a B movie.

- Wake me up when it's over!

- Is that it?

- Yeah, I think so.

- Come on, Oscar!

Come on.

Man!

You know a star is buried here!

Locked.

- What? - It's locked!

- Wait a second...

- No, no.

Shit.

Hey, the roof.

- Do it, do it, do it.

- Got it?

Go for it!

- Hey Stu!

- Guys, there's a skylight up here.

- Can you get in?

- Well I think so, I'll try.

- Do it, do it!

Come on.

- Welcome.

- Open the goddamn door!

- I bid you welcome to the castle Ragzoff.

- Yeah!

- Welcome.

- Good evening.

This is Conrad Ragzoff coming to you from the dead.

- Man...

- How kind of you to visit my crypt.

I hope you are staying a thousand years.

If you have broken in, you probably will.

For at the end of the message the door to the tomb

will slam shut!

Forever!

- Get the door, get the door now!

Let me conclude: remember,

I who am here

was once like you.

And you who are there

will one day be like me.

- What're you doing?

- How do you open this thing?

- Saint...

- I got it.

- Oh, man.

- Look at that.

He's got his tails and his cape on just like Bela Lugosi.

- Yeah.

Everything except the breath.

- Look at his eyes, they're still open.

- They're not seeing shit.

Good evening, sir.

I enjoyed your last performance very, very, very, very much.

- Stop that!

- So what do we do now?

Why don't we, uh,

invite him home for dinner?

- Well, here we are!

The question is, why are we doing this?!

- Well man, it's simple, I mean, uh,

I mean we love Conrad, right?

And Errol Flynn did it to John Barrymore.

- Right, man.

- And listen, it's very simple, I mean

the plan is we're just gonna keep him here, right, tonight.

And, uh, take him back in the morning.

Right?

" Right!

- Oh shit.

- What a banquet, what a meal!

Order, order!

Conrad, you've filmed here more than once.

You probably know this place like the back of your hand.

What can I say? Welcome home!

- And uh, long life!

- Speech, speech!

' Speech!

- Oh yes.

Speech!

Speech!

- Your silence is most eloquent, my lord.

- You're all sick.

- Oh come on Meg, where is your sense of humor?

You Pasadena?

- Hey, that's my gal you're talking to.

- I just don't think it's funny.

- Oh come on, Meg.

- You know, I can hardly believe that's Conrad over there.

- It's pretty weird.

- Conrad.

I always wanted to be your bride.

Once, I stole a ring from my mother

and I secretly married you.

On our wedding night

we made love in your coffin.

It was beautiful.

Oscar, come on, let's dance!

- I got it.

How about Conrad, huh?

- Conrad, would you like to dance with me?

See?

Sir.

- Oh, that's nice.

Let me uh, let me get a shot of that

for Society Scribe.

Great!

Okay, good.

- Play all.

Let us call it a wrap.

It has been...

A night to remember.

Huh? Yeah.

Watch out!

- I got it, I got it.

- Got him?

- Goodnight Conrad.

- Well, looks like we've got our work cut out for us.

- Looks like a biggie.

- You checked the whole territory?

- Yeah, from the footprints

looks like there were about four people involved.

- Any sign of cult activity?

Like black candles, red drapings,

even incense ashes?

- Not so far, sir, no.

- And there's no ransom notes of any kind?

- What do they want with his body?

What should I do, Mrs. Rohmer?

Tell me! What should I do?

- Don't ask me, Etta.

Ask Conrad.

You must ask him.

He'll tell you.

- Do you really believe there is life after death?

- The soul lives after death.

Why not the body?

- How do we begin?

- Get me some articles of his clothing.

And then get me his pyramid.

- Bonus“.

- I'm trying to reach you!

Conrad Ragzoff!

In the name of all holy and unholy spirits,

listen!

I'm trying to bridge the gulf

between there and here!

Life and death!

Where is your body?

Let my thoughts

be as the great void.

Oh god, help me.

Help me to reach you.

We're in a dark tunnel.

We're trying to get to the end.

I feel you now, Conrad.

I'm getting closer.

- Oh god!

- I can feel his presence inside my body.

He is close to us.

He's trying to speak.

Help me to break through the wall!

The wall!

- What was that?

- Uh...

We're freaking out.

He's dead as a fish.

- Yeah, yeah.

What was that noise then?

- I don't know, but...

I don't believe the dead walk,

I don't believe in life after death.

The dead are dead!

They don't walk, and they don't scream.

- His words are tumbling out now.

Becoming sentences. - What is he saying?

Ask him what he wants me to do!

- An eye for an eye...

- A tooth for a tooth!

- Ask him where he is!

- Where are you Conrad?

A house.

A big house.

Speak to him yourself.

- Conrad.

Conrad, darling dearest!

When you left me,

where did you go?

- I went into darkness.

Then into flames!

Then I came back.

You brought me back from

hell!

If that's where you've

been, then send them that stole your body there too!

Send them into the flames, burn them!

Burn them!

Burn them!

- Hello?

Who is this?

- It doesn't matter who I am.

I'm them!

The people who have your husband's body.

- What do you want'?

- I want to help you, Mrs. Ragzoff.

Someone's coming...

Saint?

- Look!

I just saw someone over there.

- You blew it for me.

I was really getting into that.

You're guilty of coitus interruptus.

I could suffer deep psychological damage.

I could become a mental cripple for life.

- Will you shut up?

I'm trying to tell you I saw someone!

- Look, Donna,

it's 3 AM in the goddamn morning,

everybody's crashed.

It's just a figment of your imagination.

But I'll go check it out anyway.

Okay?

- Okay

Oscar...

I want you to look everywhere.

Even in the attic.

- Come on!

There's nobody up there except Conrad.

The attic's one place I don't have to check.

Saint!

Donna!

Donna!

I'm locked in the attic.

Donna!

Who's there?

Saint!

Look, if this is some kind of joke or something

I don't think it's funny.

Saint goddamnit, would you just stop it?

Come on, you're scaring the shit out of me!

- Oscar?

Oscar!

Come on, stop fooling around!

Oscar?

Are you hiding?

Oscar?

Oscar?

Oscar?

Are you up here?

Oscar, stop it now!

You're scaring the hell out of me.

Are you out here?

Oscar!

Come back to bed.

Oscar!

- I'm gonna have this phone monitored 24 hours a day.

Now, when she calls,

we're gonna have our answer.

- Oscar!

- Donna!

- I've looked all over upstairs.

Nothing!

I found Oscar's headphones in his room, though.

He never goes anywhere without these things.

- I have looked upside down and backwards

- I mean, if they had gone somewhere

they would've left a note or something, for crying out loud.

- Has anyone checked the cellar?

- I'm not going down there!

- They're not in the cellar, Bo.

- What?

- The cellar?

- Oh, I'm not going down there.

- I'll check.

- Meg!

Get the hell up here!

- They'll be back in a couple of days.

- Maybe.

In the meantime we're locked in shit up to our necks.

- Oscar's probably very happily surfing in Malibu.

- Hey, open the door!

Hey!

Open the goddamn door!

Open the door!

- Welcome to the Ragzoff family saga.

You're not only locked in, but these fumes

will consume you within the next hour.

- I don't believe you, shut up!

- Goodbye.

See you soon.

This side of the river stinks!

- He knows.

We gotta move fast.

- We gotta find Bo-Bo!

I know that!

Where the hell is he anyway?

" Ow!

- Die.

- No, not the ladder!

- Go away!

- Help me.

- Where are they?

- I'm in the attic!

Come up here.

In the attic.

Come.

Evie...

Help me, Evie.

- Donna, where are you?

- Evie...

Evie...

- Donna, are you up here?

Where are you?

Donna?

- Oh...

God...

Oh god.

Oh god.

- Evie?

- You'll be next.

- Evie?

Evie?

She was here one minute...

Then she was gone.

First Oscar and Donna...

Now Eve.

What's going on?

I can't take it, Saint.

- Okay, okay honey.

We're gonna get out of this house for good.

' When? - Now!

- What're we gonna do with Conrad?

- We're gonna dump him.

" No!

We gotta put him back where we found him.

Where he belongs.

- Yeah, yeah.

You're right.

He belongs there.

We owe him that. - Saint...

I'm not going back there, man.

No way.

- Look Stu, don't give me any shit.

Just go upstairs and get the flashlights

and let me worry about the details.

- F Saint! - ' Look, just go!

Stu!

Stu!

Stuey!

It's time, Stuey!

Stuey!

- Saint?

Conrad.

Conrad.

Conrad!

- Don't look, Stu.

' No!

Whoa! No!

Get away!

Get away from me!

No!

- Hey, you seen Stu?

- I thought he was with you.

- Oh god.

He's not in his room either.

Alright...

Look,

I know you're not gonna like this, but

you're gonna have to help me take Conrad

back to the cemetery.

- I won't go near that place again.

- Meg, come on.

- And I'm not staying here either!

- Meg...

- I used to love this old house.

I hate this house. - Honey...

- The walls are so cold.

Did you know that a woman committed suicide here once?

Did you know that? - Yes, I did.

- I can feel her ghost around me.

I know that someone is after me!

- Meg come on, honey, honey...

Come on, don't get crazy on me, okay?

Meg, I love you.

Everything's gonna be just fine.

Okay?

All you've got to do

is just come with me

and wait in the hearse.

Come on, honey.

Come on.

Come on, come on.

Come on.

First, we gotta try and find Stu.

Okay?

I hope to god nothings happened to him.

I'm gonna go look in the back.

You look around the side of the house.

Please Meg, we are running out of time.

It is gonna be light soon, please.

- Do you think the dead can come back to life?

- No, I don't.

- We did something bad.

I know someone is after me!

- Stuey!

- Stu?

Stu?

Stu?

Saint!

Donna!

Donna!

Saint, I'm gonna go to the police

and tell 'em everything.

I'm sorry.

Look, I'm not trying to stop you.

Can't you see I'm scared?

I don't know what's gonna happen to us.

You can't stop me.

- Where's my husband's body?

- How'd you get this number?

- From Conrad!

- Damnit!

Look...

I'm sorry, Meg.

But time has run out!

I need you with me.

I need you with me!

I don't have time for this nonsense anymore!

Look, I am gonna get the car

and you are gonna go running upstairs,

you are gonna pack your stuff,

and you are gonna do it now.

You are gonna go now. Go!

- I knew they had the imagination, but

I didn't believe they had the guts.

- Okay professor.

We're gonna check it out for you.

But you've got to give me something more substantial

to connect Ragzoff. Something with your kids.

I need something to work with.

Do you understand me?

- Maybe...

It's the red carnation.

- Frank.

We're gonna need a search warrant

for Jess Stuart.

Get it first thing in the morning.

- Who's there?

- Meg...

" No!

No, Conrad!

No!

- Meg!

Meg!

Meg?

Meg!

I love you.

But I can't take you with me anymore.

I've gotta go make things right.

- Where is Saint, Meg?

- Where do you live, girl?

- Welcome again to the Ragzoff saga,

brought to you uninterrupted by commercials.

I love a captive audience.

Is it getting hot in here?

A trifle stifling?

Don't breathe in those fumes.

They're really nasty.

- Let me out!

Let me out!

Let me out! Let me out!

- He was terrifying in life.

But even more so in death.

Come Mrs. Rohmer, let's go.

- In a minute Etta.

Wait for me at the car.

I just want to say goodbye to Conrad.

- As you wish, my dear.

I need these a lot more than you do, Conrad, my love.

These are all the gifts you always promised,

but never gave me.

I gave you everything.

You don't need to tell time anymore, my sweet.

And you thought you could take it with you.

- Good evening, madam.

A pity you missed your chance of watching

the entire collection of Conrad Ragzoff horrors.

But other pleasures await you.

Come to me, my love.

Hell is not as bad as you think.

It's actually quite pleasant.

Maybe the food is a trifle overcooked,

and the champagne Californian,

but you do meet the most interesting people.

And I hope in the future you will show more respect

for the dead.