Original subtitles

Hey, remember when I had a monkey?

- Yeah. PHOEBE: Mm-hm.

Yeah. What was I thinking?

Hey, so, what's with the 20 percent tip? Did I do something wrong?

Twenty percent is a pretty generous tip.

You know what's more generous than that? Fifty percent.

- You know what's even more generous? - I see where you're going.

- What's up with the greed, Joe? - All right, look, I'm sorry, you guys.

It's just that I gotta get these new headshots made...

...and they're really expensive, you know.

I'm down to like three.

Actually, two, because one of them I kind of blackened in some teeth.

Why'd I do that? Ugh.

Well, isn't there something you can do to earn a little extra money?

I mean, can't you pick up, I don't know, an extra shift here?

Or, you know, I used to beg for money.

Of course, it helps if you've got, you know, a little of this going on.

- Wow, I still have it. Ha, ha. JOEY: Yeah.

Wait, don't you have an audition today? Yeah. Maybe you'll get that job.

Oh, ha-ha-ha.

Oh, wait a minute.

I used to get medical experiments done on me all the time.

Ah, finally, an explanation.

No, I used to get paid for all kinds of medical stuff, remember?

Let's see. Uh... Well, I don't wanna donate sperm again.

I really prefer doing that at the home office, you know?

Ooh, ooh, maybe they want some of my blood or spit or something, huh?

- Joey. - Yeah?

What did I tell you about talking to your friends while you're working?

Uh, do it?

That guy's been waiting for his coffee for 10 minutes.

He's complained about you three times.

Now, where was I?

- Hey. - Hey.

- Hey, what have you been up to? - Oh. We went to a self-defense class today.

Wow.

Yeah. Kicking a guy in the crotch all morning really takes it out of you.

Takes it out of you? Heh.

- No, now we can kick anybody's ass. - Yeah.

After one class? I don't think so.

What, you wanna see me self-defend myself?

Go over there and pretend you're a sexual predator.

Go on, I dare you.

Of course you can defend yourself from an attack you know is coming.

That's not enough.

Look, I studied karate for a long time.

And there's a concept you should really be familiar with.

It's what the Japanese call unagi.

Isn't that a kind of sushi?

- No, it's a concept. - Yeah, it is, it is. It's freshwater eel.

All right, maybe it means that too.

Oh, I would kill for a salmon-skin roll right now.

You know what? Fine, get attacked. I don't even care.

Come on, Ross, we're sorry. Please tell us what it is.

Unagi is a state of total awareness.

Okay? Only by achieving true unagi...

...can you be prepared for any danger that may befall you.

In case someone's trying to steal your bamboo sleeping mat...

...or your kettle of fish?

[RACHEL LAUGHS]

[LAUGHS]

All I'm saying is, it's one thing being prepared...

...for an attack against, like, each other.

Whole other story being prepared for an attack, I don't know...

A surprise!

All right, you knew that was coming, but that doesn't mean you have unagi.

Ooh, if we made reservations, we could have unagi in about a half-hour.

You know what?

- Hey, hey, is Monica here? - No.

Okay, look, I need your help. I don't know what to get for Valentine's Day.

Well, Valentine's Day was two weeks ago, so I wouldn't get her a calendar.

Heh. She was working on Valentine's Day, so we're celebrating it tonight.

Oh, hey, why don't you book a day for both of you at one of those romantic spas?

Ooh, Joey, that's actually a really good idea.

Yeah, and of course, crotchless panties.

Well, as appealing as that does sound to her boyfriend...

...and her brother...

...I can't. We promised we'd make each other gifts this year.

- Oh, I love that. - You guys.

You can't make crotchless panties? You take...

- You take a pair of scissors and just cut... - Okay, okay, okay.

So making things, that sounds so much fun.

I thought so too, until I papier-mâchéd one of my eyes shut.

I love papier-mâché. What did you make?

I made a:

[SPEAKS GIBBERISH]

- What is that? - Nothing.

Oh.

So, what are you gonna do?

Have you guys made anything that I could take credit for?

Ooh, I have, I have. I started making these little sock bunnies.

Oh, for crying out loud.

Hey, wait a minute. That is my sock.

Now it's your little bunny friend.

[LAUGHS]

Okay.

This actually is a:

[SPEAKS GIBBERISH]

- Hey. - Hey, honey.

Can I ask you a question about the Valentine's Day gifts?

- Oh, yeah. - Do we have to make the entire thing?

Yes. Why, did you forget to make yours?

Of course not.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

I just have to, uh, go over to the place where I made it and pick it up.

- Okay. - Okay.

I can't wait. It's gonna be the best Valentine's Day ever.

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

I can't believe it. Make the presents. Make the presents.

- What? - Just so excited to make the presents!

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

Shoot.

Hi, I'm Joey Tribbiani.

And with all due respect, I'd like to donate some fluids.

We're at the end of one of our research cycles...

...so we're not looking for applicants now.

That's too bad. I've kind of been saving up.

Uh, you sure there's no studies I can participate in?

Well, here's a schedule of what's coming up.

Ah, thanks.

Oh, but this one starts now.

That one is available now, but only identical twins are eligible.

- It's a twin study. - But it's $2000.

- Sorry. - Oh.

Well, how about this one?

"Testing the Effects of Joey Tribbiani on Attractive Nurse Receptionists."

We already got the results back on that one, and they're not good.

- That was good. - Wasn't that a blast?

- Danger! Danger! - God, Ross!

What the hell was that?

A lesson in the importance of unagi.

[RACHEL GROANS]

You're a freak.

Perhaps.

Now, I'm curious.

At what point during those girlish screams would you have begun to kick my ass?

All right, so we weren't prepared.

I'm sorry I had to take such drastic measures to make my point.

But, look, I just want you guys to be safe.

Oh...

Danger!

Ah, huh? Unagi.

JOEY: Two thousand bucks is a lot of money.

Boy, I wish I had a twin.

Where could I find someone...

...who looks exactly like me?

Hey.

Chandler.

I sensed it was you.

What?

Unagi.

I'm always aware.

Okay, are you aware that unagi is an eel?

- What's up? - I can't figure out what to make Monica.

Oh. Why don't you make her one of your little jokes?

I'm going crazy, okay?

Do you have anything around here that looks homemade?

Oh, you know what? She'd love this.

It's an exact replica of Apollo 8. I made it in the sixth grade.

Yeah, I guess I could use that. I could say, "Your love sends me to the moon."

Yeah, yeah. Except Apollo 8 didn't actually land on the moon.

But you could write, um:

"Your love lets me orbit the moon twice and return safely."

Wait, I can't give this to her.

- Why not? - It says "Captain Ross" on the side.

- And it says "I hate Monica" on the bottom. - Oh.

PHOEBE & RACHEL: Danger! ROSS: Aah!

Ah. Salmon-skin roll.

Okay, okay.

Yes, honey, I made it myself.

I can't do it. I can't do it.

Oh, oh. A mixed tape. A mixed tape.

- Hey, hi. - Hey.

- You ready to exchange gifts? - Sure. Okay, you go first.

- Okay, come here, come here. - Okay.

Okay, now, it's not wrapped, because I just finished it.

Okay.

But I made you a tape of what I think are all romantic songs.

[GASPS]

What a great gift.

Oh.

Is "The Way You Look Tonight" on it?

Maybe. We'll have to listen and see.

- Oh, I love it. Thank you so much. Mwah. - Aw. Okay. Mwah.

Okay, you ready to open yours?

- Yeah. - Okay.

It's a sock bunny.

Ha, ha. Yeah, yeah. Remember how I call you "bunny"?

Not really.

Well, I did one time. And I wanna start doing it more.

- That's what this is about. - I see.

You know, um, Phoebe makes sock bunnies.

No. No, she doesn't.

Phoebe, what she makes, that's... They're sock rabbits.

They're completely different. Okay, okay.

Okay, I didn't make it. I'm sorry. I totally forgot about tonight...

...and that we were supposed to make the presents.

- Oh, it's okay. I don't... - No, no, it's not okay. It's not.

I mean, you're so incredible.

You went through all this time and effort to make this tape for me.

You know, I'm just gonna... I'm gonna make this up to you. I will.

I am going to cook you anything you want in here.

And I'm going to do anything you want in there.

Well, I did put a lot of thought into the tape.

Wow.

[MONICA CHUCKLES]

- You are way too young to have seen that. - Oops. Ha, ha.

Your birthday's in a month and a half.

What do you say I forget to get you a present for that too?

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

You are totally and completely 100 percent forgiven.

[MONICA CHUCKLES]

- We have got to wash that. - Yeah.

Hey, do you remember that jacket that you loved so much...

...that you thought was too expensive? - You have done enough.

Ha, ha. I'm gonna wake up early and get it for you.

No, you don't have... Get it in black, not brown.

[TIMER DINGS IN KITCHEN]

- Oop. Your cake is ready. - Oop.

It's like that old saying, "Have sex, eat some cake."

[MONICA CHUCKLES]

Hey, Mon. Hey, Chan. Just getting a soda.

Who the hell are you?

I'm Joey.

How are you doing?

No, no, no!

"How you doing?"

"How you doing?" Damn it, Carl. Go wait in the hall.

- Look, I got to apologize on behalf of Carl. - Who the hell is Carl?

Oh, did I not mention?

Carl is a guy I hired to be my identical twin for a medical research project.

You know, sometimes the good ideas are just right in front of you, aren't they?

Look, I know it sounds crazy, but I think it might work.

But the only problem is Carl's acting is:

The only problem?

Yeah. He's the reason I didn't get that big Minute Maid commercial.

We were supposed to be brothers, but he messed it up.

Hey. Can I get a little piece of that cake?

Pizza. We like pizza. Get out!

- Pat Sajak? - Yep.

- Alex Trebek? - Oh, of course.

- Chuck Woolery? - Definitely.

Phoebe, you will not find a single game-show host...

...whose ass I cannot kick.

[GROANS]

- Say it. - Say we are unagi.

It's not something you are, it's something you have.

Say it.

I could easily get out of this...

...but there's a chance you could get very, very hurt.

[ROSS YELPS]

All right, Carl, we're next. Now, remember, what is this not gonna be?

- Another Minute Maid fiasco. - That's right.

And what are you not gonna do?

- I'm not gonna talk, because... - Ah. Damn it, Carl.

[SPUTTERS]

Can I have the next one, please?

Thank you.

Joey and Tony Tribbiani.

That's us.

But, uh, this is a study for identical twins.

That's right. Two thousand dollars.

But you're not identical twins.

Damn it, Carl.

Oh, my good God.

Hey. Continuing the countdown of your favorite meals.

Tonight, number three:

Macaroni and cheese with cut-up hot dogs.

Look, you have done enough, okay? You have to stop this now.

I will, but not tonight.

For dinner music, I thought we could listen to that tape that you made me.

- Oh, the mixed tape. - Mm-hm.

[TONY BENNETT'S "THE WAY YOU LOOK TONIGHT" PLAYING ON STEREO]

When I'm awfully low

Oh. "The Way You Look Tonight" is on here.

Dance with me.

I will feel a glow

Just thinking of you

And the way you look tonight

You are just the sweetest.

JANICE [ON STEREO]: I love the way you look every night, Chandler.

That's why I made you this tape.

Happy birthday. Love, Janice. Mwah.

No, you're the sweetest.

[GRUNTS]

Okay, ladies, that ends today's class. Let's remember, let's be safe out there.

- Great class. Heh. - Thanks, man.

Yeah, yeah. I was watching.

Um, hey, a couple of questions, though.

Um, you know that last move...

...where that woman tripped you and then pinned you to the floor?

What would you do next?

Well, then she'd take her keys and jam them in your...

No, no, no. What would you do next?

- Who, me, the attacker? - Yes, that's right.

Why?

I tried attacking two women. Did not work.

- What? - No, I mean, it's okay.

I mean, they're my friends. In fact, I was married to one of them.

Let me get this straight. You attacked your ex-wife?

Oh, no, no, no. Heh.

I tried.

But I couldn't. That's why I'm here.

Maybe we could attack them together.

That's a no.

I am so, so, so sorry.

Uh-huh.

Oh! And I will cook anything you want in here...

...and do anything you want in there.

Yeah, you will, and are you kidding me?

Come on, Monica, it's our Valentine's Day.

Please, please, please?

- Okay. - Okay.

["MY FUNNY VALENTINE" PLAYING ON STEREO]

JANICE [SINGING ON STEREO]: My funny valentine

Sweet comic valentine You make me...

- So are we going in there? - I am.

Your looks are laughable

[JANICE LAUGHS ON STEREO]

ROSS: Aha.

Nowhere to run.

I don't like sitting up here. I'm gonna go over...

No, Rachel, they got here first.

[RACHEL SIGHS]

- Why is Ross doing that? ROSS: Danger!

Oh, my God. Why is he jumping on those women?

We should help them.

I don't think they need any help.

[ROSS SCREAMING]

[English - US - SDH]