All language subtitles for Free Agents s01e01 Pilot.eng

Uh...

- Um...
- It's ok--

Sorry.

I was just wondering...

Uh...

I forgot how this works.

Is this part lights on or off?

Whatever.

I'm sorry, but it's just...

How--how am I playing this?
I mean, am I staying--

I'll call you a cab.

Oh...Thank you.

Sure.

Wow, that's impressive.

In my limited experience,

I never got
past a three-pack, that's--

You're, like, making
a statement over there.

I can buy bulk on the Internet?

No, more like, "It's 2011,

"and I'm an independent woman.

"I can buy hundreds of condoms.

Doesn't make me a slut."
Heh.

Oh, is that what I was saying?

- Well, I mean--
- Or was I saying, "It's 2010...

I'm gonna buy condoms to have
sex with my fiance"?

With--with, um...

- Pete.
- Pete.

- Right.
- Yes.

And Pete and Pete

and Pete and Pete.

I know, they're stupid.

But we had 'em done
just before he died.

I'm...

What the hell?

What are you thinking?

I'm thinking it's
my son's birthday next week,

and I'm not gonna
be with my kids.

Um...

I'm sorry.

I don't usually do this.

Hi, I need a cab.

Sync & corrected by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com

Morning.
How you doing?

Hey, hey, there you are.

Alex, a little
constructive criticism--

You look like hell.

Yeah, thank you.

Uh, I was up
kind of late last night.

Bit of a rough night, you know?

Oh, I do know.

- What was her name, bro?
- Who?

Oh, n-no.
No, no, no, no.

What, you got some?

Yes! Deets!

"Details."

Ink's not even dry
on the divorce papers,

and he is back on the horse!

Ooh, can't wait
to hear about this.

I--no, really.

There's nothing to tell.
I swear.

Good morning,
P.R. professionals.

Alex, you look like hell.

He was up all night
doing el nasty.

He was just about
to tell us about it.

Well, this is a staff meeting
at a capitalist enterprise,

and as you may have read,

time is money,
so make it fast--

just the good parts.

Uh, I met a woman last night,

and we had wild animal sex
all night long, okay?

Was that good for everyone?

Yes, animal sex.
W-what kind of animals?

Like panthers, okay?
Can we have our meeting now?

What about the body?
Physical type,

then a number
between one and ten.

And did her
underwear pieces match,

- and did she move at all?
- And, really, panthers?

Apparently, we differ
in our definition

of "good parts."

Just size and shape of breasts,

straight to positions.

Okay, uh...

Boobs were round and enormous.

Positions--
what didn't we do?

Really, the works.

Uh, normal, of course,

dog style, cat style,

uh, reverse crab--

That happened.

Uh, the penitent farmer...

Uh, uh, lazy bus driver,

the turducken--
that was fun.

Oh, the Flying Dutchman,
of course,

and, really, that's the limit
of my imagination,

because, honestly,
I was up late working.

Boo!

Well, points for imagination,

which we now turn
to our client, Omdyne,

whose "Live right" division

has an unfortunate
little problem with its image.

A salmonella outbreak

at Rose Hill Elementary...

Completely disgusting.
So how do we spin this?

Complete denial
or blame someone else?

If you'd wanted to try
the reverse crab,

you just had to ask.

Various jackasses
called for you.

Laura called
about parents' night.

Laura called again,
same subject.

And Laura called.

Subject--
Well, you get it.

God, all right,
would you please tell--

You do get
executive assistant, right?

As in not personal.
Not for your personal problems.

- I understand--
- Speaking of which,

there's more of those.

Your lawyer called, twice.

And I think this is a person.

- "Sampat"?
- Yeah, that's a person.

He's not done painting,

so your new apartment won't be
ready till the weekend.

Okay, Emma, can we, like,
turn down the sass

maybe one little notch today?

It's not sass.
This is how it is.

Lions don't eat deer
'cause they're sassy.

It's called Darwinism.

And now I'm on the phone.

Go for Emma.

Hold on...

- So...
- Uh!

Flying Dutchman, eh?

Oh, no. Oh, no.
I made that up.

No, no, it's real.

It's like
the Mexican Submarine.

Alex, how are you doing?

Oh, you know,
things are a bit rough.

I do know.

I've been divorced three times.

I know what it's like.

Your mind's scattered,
distracted.

Do you know what I did
after my first divorce?

Dropped everything,

went for a few weeks
in St. Barts,

took my mind off things.

Well, that sounds great,
but, uh...

Nah, you don't have
the vacation days, do you?

Or the money--
shame.

There's a spa there

where you've got a Swede
working upstairs

while the Thai one uses
a chinchilla mitten

on the old cricket pitch.

- Ah.
- Anyway...

What you do have is work.

You've been dropping
the ball a bit, bum chum.

My advice--
forget about your life.

Get me a "Live right" strategy.

Thanks for coming by.

This is my office.

Right.
Let's keep it that way.

You know, I could take off
my wedding ring.

I could put bronzer
on the tan line.

- No one would even know.
- No! No!

- Alex! What's up, bro?
- I got an idea, so--

No. Okay?

So, single and on the prowl.

You gotta be psyched, huh?

Actually, more
the exact opposite.

Right, yeah.
No divorce.

It's a, uh, it's a bummer.

So let's move on.
I got a date.

Her friend's cat died.
She's coming out with us.

Now I need a wingman.

I mean, this
is a great opportunity

for you to just sort of
get back on the horse.

And if you can't do it,
I could totally do it.

No, Greg.
You can't, okay?

A married wingman
is just...No.

You could do two wingmen.

- That's a horrible idea.
- Um...

Can I think about it?
Excuse me a second.

So what
if I asked you properly?

About reverse crab?
I was kidding.

Uh, everybody keeps telling me

I'm supposed to get
back on the horse,

so I was wondering
if you'd care to be...

that horse.

That did not come out right.

Was it the crying?

'Cause, I swear, I don't usually
cry after sex, really.

Before and during,
almost always.

It wasn't that.
I like men who cry.

Well, then we should
probably get married.

You're gonna be
very, very happy.

Alex, you're not ready
for a relationship.

We can't talk five minutes

without you going maudlin
over your kids

or having an existential crisis
or crying.

- Which you said you liked.
- Alex...

I don't want you to
take this the wrong way,

but you are an absolute mess.

I'm a mess.
I'm not absolute.

You're crying right now.

Are you aware of that?

What? No.

Oh, God.
Oh, God.

Oh, it's this song.

Oh, my God, my kids
used to love this song.

Heh. Oh, we'd do
this little dance.

Oh, God. What if that's
the happiest I'm ever gonna be?

Crying, kids,
existential crisis.

Two minutes--
a new record.

Doesn't mean I'm not ready.

- Alex, my man.
- Walter.

I brought the one where
I test my swords on meats.

Gorgeous blades.

Please tell me
that's not a euphemism.

Uh, Walter's been letting me
crash in my office

- till my new place is ready.
- Ah.

It's actually pretty cool.

Couple single guys
sitting around talking...

Mostly about weapons.

Yeah, you're
making my point for me.

Ah, hey.

As long as we're being honest,
was it the sex?

Alex, stop.

I know what this is like.

It's--it's brutal.

But you're gonna
get through this,

and you're gonna be
a stronger person.

I know--I had it rough.
But now I am fine.

Yeah, apart from
some problem drinking

occasionally mixed in with some
impulsive sexual acting out.

Speaking of which, I just
happen to be free right now

if you'd care
to have several drinks

and just kind of
see what happens.

I don't think
we should sleep together.

Tonight's not good,
I'm certainly free forever.

Yeah, ever again.

What, like, ever?

Uh, you remember
all those times before,

when we didn't sleep together?

Like that.
Good night, Alex!

Enjoy your swords with meats.

Sir, do you know where I get...

No, I like this one.

I think it's right here.

So that was it?

I was just--I'm dumped?

Alex, can I tell you
something amazing

that's happened
in the last 15 years?

I mean, besides TiVo
and getting email on a plane.

You can have sex with somebody,

and you don't have to spend
the rest of your life with them.

- How about just like--
- Oh, my God.

- Was that it?
- Yes. Oh, and this.

Oh, two. Great.

So...

Video of swords chopping meat?

Yeah.
Sounds about right.

When are you gonna
come out with us?

I mean, it's been a year
since Pete--

I don't know what's right
to say--stopped living?

But still, when I ask you
to go clubbing,

you're always, like,
"Maybe later."

Clubs are just warehouses

where they keep the ass hats
at night.

Well, yeah, but where else
are you gonna meet guys?

Your vagina didn't die of
a heart condition, too, did it?

I mean, that actually happens.

When my grandpa died,
my grandma didn't go out.

She just bought a mynah bird
and taught it to say things

like, "Hi"
and "You look nice"--

Maybe I'll go out
with you guys later.

Cool.

This is Helen.

It's 'cause
we work together, isn't it?

So did the Clintons,
so do the Osbournes--

Sarah Michelle Gellar
and Freddie Prinze Jr.

They didn't work together.

Excuse me, they were
working together when they met--

Set of I Know What You Did
Last Summer.

And since
they've gotten married,

they've done both
Scooby-Doos together.

She did not do the sequel.
Monsters Unleashed?

Of course she did--
in fact,

I'm sending you a link
to prove it.

Alex, stop.
I have work.

You know what?
Screw work.

What is work, anyway,

in the whole grand scheme
of things?

- Behind you.
- Hey, Stephen.

"A lot" is what I was gonna
tell that person there,

and particularly for me,
live right, which--

Wow, we got
a meeting over there.

Well, I want you
to see this before you go.

Ah! Ah!

- W-what is that?
- It's the Flying Dutchman.

Of course, it's easy
with a third person,

either a man or... sturdy female.

I stand corrected.
Thank you.

Flying Dutchman, apparently,
is an actual thing.

- Ah.
- Alex, uh...

All my other bros
left me hangin',

so need that wingman, bro.

I didn't leave you
hangin', bro.

Greg, shut up.

Uh, Alex was saying
that he was ready,

right, Alex?

Don't say,
"salmonella outbreak."

- Say, "recent incident."
- Anything else before I go out?

No, no, no. You just
stick to the talking points.

- You're gonna be fine.
- Be concerned...

But folksy--and it's
pronounced safe-ganic.

Yeah, we're blaming
organic-style farming

for the bad eggs, right?

So we're switching
to safeganic, which is...

A word we made up.

Good morning,
and thank you all for coming.

Okay, why did you
sell me out to Dan?

To move on.
You're in emotional turmoil.

I'm gonna help you
so you will stop bothering me.

- What, you're gonna help me?
- Yes.

How?

No.

Why would a person wear that?

Because you look
like Willy Loman.

You're starting over.

New Alex, new image.

- No.
- Why? Purple is in.

Because I have no plans to DJ

at an Armenian gangster's
acquittal party.

Let's just try this one first.

Uh, I don't think
you're supposed to be in here.

It's faster, and it's not like

I haven't
seen everything already.

- Awful!
- Just realizing that now?

- Okay, last one.
- Do we have to?

- Yes.
- Oh, great.

Stephen, where are you?

There we go.
It's great! New Alex.

Come on, I look like
John Stamos's lamer brother.

Jeff Stamos.

I sell customized
erotic statuary.

Mom actually likes me best.

♪ Ooh, baby, tell me how long ♪

Okay, what the hell
are you doing?

What? Nothing.

You just did that look.

The...

- I did not.
- Yeah, slow lean-in thing.

I-I--well, can you
blame me if I did?

You're all touching me.

We're inches apart
in this tiny little room.

To help you pick out clothes
for your date

with another woman.

See, this is why men and women
can't be friends--

'cause you guys just misread.

You misread--you've misread
that I have misread.

Okay, we're gonna need
to have, like, a safe word.

- A safe word?
- Mm-hmm.

If you get confused
in a situation like just now,

you just say the word,
and then--

I say, like,
"potato" or something?

Fine, you can say "potato."

And then we'll pause,

and we'll take a deep breath,

and we'll just
be back to friends.

- Okay?
- Okay...

And now we're late.

P.R. basics--
emphasize the positives.

Get 'em out front,
bury the negatives.

Hi. Sorry we're late--
traffic.

Looks and baggage?
What client is this?

Oh, God.
This is me, isn't it?

We're all super excited

that you're jumping back
on that horse.

Now, since you're
gonna be my wingman

and I'm depending on you
to help me get laid,

we've decided to come up
with a little strategy.

Perfect.
He needs this.

What? No, no, no, no.
Guys, really.

- See, he's not up for it.
- Damn it, Greg!

I haven't been out
of the house without my family

since 2009.

Just...
Helen, you be a woman, okay?

We'll run through
the talking points.

Ask him how it is going.

How is it going?

Uh, you know,
things are a bit rough,

and you might say absurd.

No, try this.

"Things are a bit awesome,

and I might buy an Audi."

Confidence--
concept number one.

I just don't feel
particularly confident.

- So pretend.
- I'm not a very good liar.

So naturally you chose a career

in corporate public relations.

Well, I wanted to be
a music journalist.

Really?
That is so cool.

- Little column and little--
- It was, actually. Had my own...

See? Lying, easy.
I should have his job.

All right, next point.

- "Banter"?
- Emma, you're a woman. Sit.

Do I have to?
She hates me.

So win her over
with your banter.

Ask her if she's ever been
to a nude beach.

It's a really fun icebreaker.

I read it in Marie Claire.

Just ask her about her hair.

They love to talk
about their hair.

Or ask her if she's
ever had any flying dreams.

It's a sign she likes
sexual control.

What? Self.

Ladies, these are
your magazines.

Just be witty.
Ask questions.

Avoid drama and don't cry.

I thought women liked
men that cried.

Where did you get that?

Okay, um...banter.

Um...

Um, Chinese chicken salad.

Is that a salad made
with Chinese chicken,

or is that a chicken salad
made in the Chinese style?

And no sex for you.
Good-bye.

I think you're basically ready.

Replica broadsword,
circa 300 A.D.

If you lived
in what is now France,

this is what
you'd be up against.

Hmm.

Nice shirt.

You got a date or something?

Yeah, and I'm totally
freakin' out.

I have a date.

I'm a middle-aged man.
I failed my marriage.

And what the hell--
what the hell am I doing?

You're picking yourself up,
and you're starting over.

A man is not finished
when he's defeated.

He is finished when he quits.

Richard Nixon...

From when before he quit,
so it's basically valid.

Can you imagine being
a Visigoth,

and you see that coming at you?

Please!

♪ I wanted love ♪

♪ I needed love ♪

♪ most of all ♪

♪ most of all ♪

♪ someone said
true love was dead ♪

9, 10, 11, 12,

13, 14,

15, 16, 17, 18,

19, 20, 21.

Okay, 21.
21 is not--

Damn it.

Hey.

Excited about tonight?

It must be exciting, I mean,
'cause if you think about it,

you can go out and sleep
with anybody you want--

anyone at all...

Like an Asian.
Right?

Hey, you ready?

'Cause, you know, this is, uh,

this is for real, so...

If you're still, uh,
iffy or--

or maybe feel like cryin',

just don't, you know?

Just bottle it up.

- I'm ready.
- And don't be sad.

Have fun.

- Thanks.
- Okay.

I'm not gonna get this one.
It's too sweet.

Here, honey, take the list.
What about some turkey...

So having a party?

Okay, enough.

- Sorry.
- No, I come in here.

I see you looking at me
looking at my stuff.

No, I don't have

to explain anything
to you, Marvin.

So just keep your
judgments to yourself,

and compute the stuff.

Hi.
Is there a problem?

No, there's no problem
whatsoever.

As I've been trying
to explain to Marvin here,

I am buying wine
and frozen pork medallions

and sherbet and wine.

I'm not having a party.

I'm gonna eat
my pork medallions

and my sherbet
and drink my wine alone.

Okay? So what?

I'm fine with that!

Okay? I'm fine!

You going to a party, Marvin?

No.

♪ Every hour, every minute ♪

♪ seemed to last eternally ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I was so afraid, Fernando ♪

♪ we were young and full of life ♪

Oh, Pete.

I know.
I'm sorry, but it's time.

♪ And cannons almost
made me cry ♪

You got it,
you got it, you got it!

So how long have you been here?

♪ Ah, sugar, sugar ♪

♪ ♪

♪ you are my candy girl ♪

Oh, come on.

Hey, Alex!

- What's up, bro?
- Hey.

- This is my friend Susan.
- Hi.

And her friend Julie...

- Hi.
- Whose cat has died.

Yeah. I heard.

I'm very sorry.

- Hi.
- Hi.

I like your shirt.

Really?

Uh... I-I'm...

Would you excuse me one second?

Just one second.

Hi. So I just got here.

But, uh...
I can report

that, for a cat lady,

she...

I'm sorry, is that Abba?

Hey. Hey.
Are you okay?

Well, sorry I...

Ruined your date.

No, no, no.
Really, it's fine.

Was it awful?
She had big bones?

She was like
a big-boned girl?

No. She was actually
really attractive.

Just...You sounded
pretty upset on the phone.

No, I should not
have even called you.

You should go back
to your--your date...

'Cause I'm fine.

You didn't sound fine.

Well, I am fine now.

Uhh!

After drinking wine

and playing Fernando repeatedly
all night long.

No, I'm--I'm fine.

I mean, that happened.

You should go back
to your cat lady.

Oh, no, no, no.
Please no.

- Mm. Mm?
- I-I just...

I was outside the restaurant

completely freaking out
this evening.

I mean, not only couldn't
I banter, but, uh, I cried.

I cried.
So, uh, you were right.

I'm--I'm not ready.
I'm way too raw.

And I'm an absolute mess.

Okay?

And so are you.

What the hell happened here?

Oh, I couldn't do it.

You mean, like,
physically or emotionally?

It was just...

Too heavy.

Still not a clear answer.

He died a year ago.

You're right.

It's not normal--

His photos.

So I tried to take
the big one down,

and then...
The floorboards were uneven.

I understand.

♪ In the firelight, Fernando ♪

Also, I'm not sure

what you think Fernando is about.

I-I just, uh...

It's actually about
two old Mexican men

who are reminiscing about
the Mexican-American war.

So...it, uh...

Okay. Potato.

We need a better safe word.

They loved me.
I was a great wingman.

Showing pictures of your kids

is not wingmanning.

It is like the opposite
of wingmanning!

Dude!
You screwed me, man.

I had to call him.
He ruined the whole operation.

What can I say?
I had to help out a friend.

Hey, Dan, Julie texted me
pictures of her cat.

Dude, it's official.
You're hopeless.

Well, least it's official.

Yeah, that's the tough part,

is not knowing
the official status.

Yes, I'll tell him you called.

Some guy named Dave called.

Thank you.

Alex, thank you...

For...you know.

I mean, I--
I mean, not for that.

No, no. I know.

You know what I mean.

Yeah. Sure.

- Potato.
- Right.

- Potato.
- Yeah.

- Thank you.
- Sure.

Okay.

Sync & corrected by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com

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