Original subtitles

(HORN HONKS)

- Car's here! - MAN: It's 9:00! We'll miss our flight!

- WOMAN: Traveler's checks... - MAN: You have the tickets?

- WOMAN: Tabitha, did you feed Roddy? - TAHBITA: Oops.

WOMAN: I just know we've forgotten something.

Roddy, where are you?

We'll be back in a few days, so here's enough food for you. Here's more.

- WOMAN: Tabitha! - TAHBITA: Here's a little more.

- WOMAN: I hope you're not overfeeding him. - TAHBITA: Of course not, Mum.

- MAN: Come on, Tabitha! - TAHBITA: Bye, Roddy.

- MAN: We don't want to miss our holiday. - TAHBITA: I'm coming, I'm coming!

(BIRDS TWITTERING)

(SNIFFING)

When the cat's away...

...the mice will play!

The holiday starts now, everyone!

Music, maestro!

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey, what are you all standing around for? I got a big day planned!

Let's go, people! Chop-chop!

Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope.

Nope. Nope. Nope.

(EXCLAIMING)

Mm.

(EXCLAIMS IN PAIN)

(CHUCKLES)

Buckle up, everyone.

(CRASHING)

Fore!

Oops. Sorry.

(WHIRRING)

Game point. Service!

We win! We win, team! We win!

(GROWLS AND EXHALES)

Perfect.

(BEEPING)

(POPPING)

Having a good time, darling?

(CHOKING)

Thank you. (LAUGHS)

See you tomorrow.

- (TOOTHBRUSH WHIRRING) - (SHUDDERING)

Good night!

(ECHOING) Good night! Good night!

(ECHOING CONTUNIES)

Yeah, well. Good night then, Roddy.

- (METAL CLATTERS) - (GASPS)

What was that?

Who's there?

(WHISPERING) Wake up. I think there's someone in the house.

Sarge, wake up!

Approaching enemy lines.

- I'm armed and ready. - At ease, soldier.

Give up your weapons of mass destruction.

Come get me, enemy of freedom! I'm armed and ready.

Tell Mom (POWERING DOWN) l...love...her.

- (BANG) - (GASPS)

(GRUNTING)

(RATTLING)

- Yee-ha! - (GASPS)

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS)

(EXCLAIMS)

(SIGHS)

- (SCREAMS) - (BURPING LOUDLY)

(BURPING)

They do not, repeat, not, have food like this in the sewer.

A sewer rat! (LAUGHING)

Who... What... How did you get here?

I don't know. One minute I'm in the pub. Next thing you know, whoosh!

It's a burst water main! Off I go, shooting up the pipes.

And, well, here I am.

I have a plunger. We can shoot you right back.

Do you like seafood?

Can I call you a cab?

Blah!

See food! Get it?

(LAUGHS) Have you got a TV?

- Yes, but... - Say no more! (LAUGHS)

No. Leave that.

Geronimo!

No, don't... touch anything.

Would you look at the size of that monster?!

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

- (LAUGHING) - (EXCLAIMS)

SID: Careful, mate. Those aren't chocolate buttons.

MAN(ON TV): It's the match of the century! The FlFA World Cup Final!

- England. Germany. - SID: Yes! Boo!

Live this Sunday. Be there.

This place is great! I'm staying here forever!

What?

Game point. Service!

We win, we win! You lose! In your face!

- (YELLS) - (EXHALES)

Right, my friend. You don't belong here. I'm afraid it's time for you to leave.

- (EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST) - I would not do that if I was you, pal.

Let me lay this out for you. This place is mine now.

Sid says, "Jump," you say, "How high?" (LAUGHS) Comprende?

Fetch us some Pop-Tarts from the kitchen, Jeeves. Be snappy about it.

Yes, sir. Right away, sir.

That's more like it.

But before breakfast is served...

...perhaps sir would care to take a whirl in the Jacuzzi.

A Jacuzzi?

You're a real gent.

After a hard day navigating sewer pipes,

there's nothing better than relaxing in a Jacuzzi whirlpool bath.

That looks so inviting.

Yes. The water looks perfect!

Now you hop in, and I'll press this lever to get the bubbles going.

Right. In we go!

Oh! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

I know we got off on the wrong foot before,

but I think we're gonna get along, don't you?

Swimmingly.

Be seeing you.

(EXCLAIMS)

You plonker!

You think I don't know a toilet when I see one?

You were going to flush me down the loo.

No! It's a big Jacuzzi! Deluxe model!

Then you won't mind if I get the bubbles going.

No! Not the lever! Have mercy! No, I can't swim!

Bon voyage, me old cream cracker!

(TOILET FLUSHING)

- Hold your nose! - You can't do this!

You were going to try to flush me. Let's see how you like it.

(RODDY YELLS)

- (PIPES CLANGING) - (RODDY GRUNTING)

(SCREAMING)

(GASPING)

(SCREAMING)

Have you seen my dad?

(EXCLAIMS)

(SCREAMING)

Ah!

(GASPS)

(SCREAMS)

(EXCLAIMING)

(GROANS)

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING CONTINUES)

Oh, no, I can't swim! I can't swim! I can't...

...swim.

I'm... in... the sewer!

(SCREAMING)

(BOTH SCREAMING)

- (SQUEALING) - (WHIMPERING)

- (THUD) - (EXCLAIMS)

Hello? (ECHOING)

Help? (ECHOING)

I'm gonna open my eyes and be home. This is all a bad dream.

I'm not home! I wanna go home!

Shush! Stop it. Roddy!

I want to go home! Pull yourself together!

I can't. I'm frightened.

Stop it, stop it, stop it!

All right, Roddy, old man, you can get yourself out of here, and you will.

Never forget,

the blood of the courageous James clan flows through your veins.

- (SCREAMING) - (ALL SCREAMING)

- (SCREAMING) - (SLUG SQUEALING)

(HORN BLARING IN DISTANCE)

- (SLUG SCREECHING) - MAN: Extra! Extra!

Read all about it!

A way out! Yes!

(LAUGHS AND SCREAMS)

(SCREAMING)

Hey! That took me 3 years to draw!

I'm terribly sorry. Three years?

I just finished it this morning!

Three years? (GASPS)

Good grief!

(PEOPLE CLAMOURING)

- What is this place? - MAN: Hold the bus!

WOMAN: Feed the flies! Tuppence a bag!

(MEN CHANTING)

It's a real city! (EXCLAIMS)

(SCREAMING)

My smalls!

- Is it a bird? - Is it a plane?

- Is that guy wearing my underpants? - (RODDY SCREAMING)

Make him move, honey.

Boy, you got a face like a frying pan!

- Come on! - I don't think he speaks English.

He moved! Did you get it?

(BOTH GRUNT)

- Got it! - Good.

Sorry, sorry. (GRUNTS)

- It's coming! - What? Where? Who?

The Great Flood!

Those floodgates won't hold forever, you know! We're doomed!

You think you can back away from the truth!

'Ello, hello, hello. What's all this then?

Thank heavens! A policeman! This wacko has been chasing after me!

'Morning, Harold.

- 'Morning, Collin. How are you? - Can't complain.

Keep an eye on this one. He's a bit of a loony.

We're doomed!

- Are you kidding me? - Right.

- Let's give you a police escort home. - Great!

I live in Kensington. Up there. The surface.

Up Top? Oh, no. No, no, no.

The humans don't like our sort.

Speak for yourself. They like me very much up there.

I don't like your attitude. I've got my eye on you, sunshine.

- (SIZZLING) - (EXCLAIMING)

You're trying to get Up Top, me hearty?

- Yes. - (SIZZLING CONTINUES)

(WHIMPERS)

There's one person 'round here might be able to help you. Might.

Really?

Shady customer. The captain of the Jammy Dodger.

- If you can find it. - I know where it is!

PIRATE: And remember, the name of the boat's the Jammy Dodger.

Thanks for bringing me this far.

You're welcome.

FISH: See ya!

(WHISTLING)

Beware.

Beware.

(WHISTLING CONTINUES)

Hello?

Permission to come aboard?

Ahoy there?

(EXCLAIMS)

Sorry. I didn't mean to intrude, Mr. Captain, Skipper, Thingy.

Hey! That's Miss Captain Skipper Thingy to you.

- Oops. - What are you doing in my boat?

I've had a bad day and need your help.

I was thrown out of my own home, flushed down my own toilet.

Thank you, too much information. I have my own problems.

- RAT: She's around here somewhere! - (GRUNTS)

Stay down. And keep quiet.

Why? Who are we hiding from?

I said quiet! There's rats after me who'd like to kill me.

- Well, I'll contain my amazement. - (GROANS)

All right, all right. Quiet as a mouse.

(HORN BLARING)

RAT: Over there!

You idiot!

Sorry about that.

I'll be off then.

Sorry.

- Ah! - (HORN BLARES)

Sorry. Sorry.

Sorry!

RAT: We can't let her get away!

- (SQUEALING) - (SHUSHING)

Come on, Jammy, me old mate, don't do this to me!

(GRUNTS)

(ALL CLAMOURING)

(GRUNTING)

(BOTH EXCLAIM)

Let me go, you pink-eyed freak!

I'm upset now.

- (EXCLAIMS) - Whatever's going on, I'm not involved.

I'm an innocent bystander!

(LIGHT FLASHES)

Rita, Rita, Rita!

(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

You thought you could give us the slip.

(EXCLAIMING)

What are you looking at? Keep still! Come on, then! Right!

Who have we got here?

I believe he said his name was Millicent Bystander.

- (SNICKERS) Millicent! - Actually, no...

Now, then, where's the ruby, Rita?

The boss wants it back.

I don't have your stupid ruby.

OK, are we going to do it the easy way...

...or the hard way?

I think we should do it the easy way, don't you, Spike?

- (EXCLAIMS) - (SIGHS)

All right. Check the tin.

Good girl.

See, Whitey, this is how I do it.

Watch and learn, my son. Watch and...(EXCLAIMS)

(WHISTLING)

Was it in there?

Right! Rip it up, lads!

(GRUNTING)

Hey, you get your filthy paws off my stuff!

(BOTH GIGGLE)

It's in here somewhere. I can feel it in me guts!

That'll be last night's curry.

I'm the same. I got a bum like the Japanese flag.

Will you please tell them I'm not involved in this?

Fine. All right, all right, listen up.

This gentleman, he's not from around here.

Thank you.

- Just look how nicely he's dressed. - Thank you.

And why? Because he's an international jewel thief!

Precisely. What? No, no!

- He stole the ruby from me! - No, she's lying!

All right, all right! It's time to bring out...

...the Persuader.

- (GASPS) - (EXCLAIMS)

Your choice, mate. You can talk now

or you can talk later. Ain't that right, Persuader?

(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Yeah, in a much higher voice!

The Persuader's alive, Spike!

You'll be singing like a tea kettle.

Good one, Persuader.

I don't even know her! I don't know anything!

Careful, miss. You'll injure yourself.

I know where it is!

Come on, then. Spit it out!

(GRUNTING) Don't you dare!

Look at her bottom. Is it me, or is it oddly shaped?

You little snitch.

The booty's in the booty.

RITA: Hey! (GRUNTING)

(ALL EXCLAIM)

(CHUCKLING)

Thanks, mate! The boss is gonna be so happy with us.

You're toast.

(SPIKE LAUGHS)

So you're from Up Top?

I used to work in a laboratory Up Top.

Yeah. Big shampoo job.

I was dark grey when we started.

Still, it cleared up me dandruff.

(EVIL LAUGHTER)

MAN(ON TV): The World Cup has become the most popular sporting event in the world.

Are you there, boss? We're back.

I've got it, boss.

The ruby. I found it.

Technically, Spike, it was Millicent that found it.

Actually, the name's Roddy.

In exchange for my assistance, I was hoping you might...

(EXCLAIMS)

You might help me out of the pickle I'm in.

(SCREAMS)

Hello, Rita.

Hello, handsome.

And who is this? Is your new boyfriend a waiter?

- Boyfriend?! - Waiter?!

(CHUCKLES)

The prize returns to me.

Did you imagine that I'd let you steal it from me?

What?! That jewel belongs to my father, and you know it! (GRUNTS)

Your father? A good-for-nothing scavenger, just like his daughter!

Excuse me. Actually,

I'm the one that found your ruby.

So... you...

Perhaps you'd repay the favor and help me get home.

- (SHRIEKS) - (EXCLAIMS)

Help me!

Dispose of them.

No, no, no, please! I just want to get home to Kensington!

(GASPS)

Kensington? The Royal Borough?

Up Top?

Yes. Up Top.

Huzzah! A man of quality!

Finally, somebody gets it.

Finally, somebody gets it.

Come, let me show you my private collection.

- I know you'll find it diverting. - (CHUCKLES)

(KERMIT LAUGHING)

My shrine to beauty.

Works of high art crafted in tribute to our beloved Royal Family.

Victoria's bust, wrought in porcelain.

Classy!

Quite lifelike, wouldn't you say?

It's as if she were here.

Smooth to the touch.

Easy, tiger.

(GIGGLING)

But come! Let us restore the heart

and highlight of my collection...

...this ruby. Fallen from the very brow of ancient kings.

A true crown jewel!

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Well, what do you think?

He's a madman! Run away!

Pardon me. My fly's undone.

Well, your ruby certainly is a biggie.

Indeed.

How did it ever find me, here in the underbelly of the world?

In this dark, low place.

Yes. I'd love to see more of your collection. It's very amusing, but l...

Yes. I'd love to see more of your collection. It's very amusing, but l...

- "Amusing"? - (MUSIC PLAYS DIFFERENTLY)

Didn't you say I'd find it amusing?

I said you'd find it diverting, not amusing!

When I said "amusing" I really meant it in the sense

of the ancient Greek muse, the goddess of inspiration. (GASPS)

Muse.

(CRASHING)

(SHATTERS)

Smashing.

- (CHUCKLES) - (GROWLS)

Heaven help me!

Ice him! Ice them both!

Let's see if there's anything good in the fridge.

Former enemies, one and all.

A catalogue of thieves, double-crossers and do-gooders.

(LAUGHS)

Prepare to meet your maker, your ice maker.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Makes me laugh every time, that one.

Shut that door.

(SPIKE LAUGHS)

- (LAUGHS) - Liquid Nitrogen! That will freeze us instantly!

There's a paper clip in my back pocket. See if you can get it. (SCREAMS)

In the pocket, in the pocket!

(CHUCKLING)

Blimey, it's cold.

That's why I wore me mittens.

Hit men don't wear mittens! Take them off! You're embarrassing me.

It's all right for you. You've got little hands.

- (SOFTLY) Got it! - They don't get as cold.

- I ain't got little hands! - Yeah, you have.

- You got lady's hands. - (EXHALES)

They might be small, but they're lethal weapons.

You got your mother's hands.

Right. Put your hands together.

- (GRUNTING) - You could have wiped your feet.

Stop squirming!

(GRUNTING)

Goodbye, vermin.

KERMIT: Now, let me see the latest addition to my cubist collection.

- What?! Impossible! - RITA: Oi! Kermit!

The prize returns to me!

You big, fat, slimy airbag!

(GROWLING) After them!

Why are you stopping? Don't we have a plan?

"We"? Who's "we"?

You can't just leave me here!

- Faster, you idiots! They're escaping! - (METAL CLANGS)

(ALL GRUNT)

(EXCLAIMING)

- (GRUNTING) - (ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)

No! Not the master cable!

We have a plan?

Put that back!

Wait, wait! That will never hold both of us.

You're right. Toodle-oo.

Wait!

BOTH: F-f-f-freeze!

Oh, no!

Don't break! There are things I want to do, sights I want to see!

- That wasn't on the list. - (EXCLAIMS) Hey!

- (GASPS) - (RODDY SCREAMING)

Do something!

(BOTH SCREAMING)

Keep your legs straight when you hit the water!

(GASPS) I kept me legs straight, Spike.

Good grief, that's high. Quite high. Rather high. So very, very high.

Cool.

See you!

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS)

If she can do it...

Here goes. (GRUNTING)

(EXCLAIMING)

(CHUCKLES AND SCREAMS)

(GASPS)

Oh!

(GROANS)

(EXCLAIMS)

And gently down.

(GROANS)

- My ball. - It's my ball, it's mine.

Rita! Rita!

Where is she? Rita!

Target at twelve o'clock!

Oh, come on!

(GASPS AND GRUNTS)

Careful, Whitey. That's a banana skin.

Rita!

Over there!

- (SCREECHING) - (BOTH EXCLAIM)

(HORN BLARING)

(EXCLAIMING)

(SPIKE LAUGHING)

You look pretty ridiculous now, Millicent.

(SCREAMING)

Keep your legs straight!

(GRUNTING)

(YELPS)

What are you, some kind of rat boomerang? Give me back my ruby!

I haven't got your ruby!

OK. Well, now I've got your ruby.

- (GRUNTING) - (RODDY EXCLAIMING)

Please be careful.

That ruby means a lot to me. It's priceless!

Hold on.

It's a fake.

No, it's blooming not. It's real!

No, no, no, look, it's just glass.

- It's real! - Fake.

- Real! - Fake.

- Real! - Fake.

- Real! - Fake.

- Real! - Fake.

Look, look, look. You can tell. Watch this.

- (SHATTERING) - (SHRIEKS)

There, you see? You can't break a real ruby.

(GROWLING)

Right. I probably shouldn't have done that.

Look on the bright side. I saved your neck.

Once The Toad knows it's worthless, he'll stop chasing you.

- Roddy St. James saves the day. - (GRUNTS)

(EXCLAIMS)

Good grief!

You try to do somebody a favor, and they... Ow!

A favor?! That ruby was from Queen Elizabeth's crown!

It fell down the drain of Buckingham Palace!

Maybe the Queen wears fake jewelry.

Keep still!

Can we just talk about this?

Real or not, that ruby was going to change my life!

WOMAN: Han Chin Chinese takeout.

A madwoman's attacking me with crayons!

- One chicken chow mein. With wonton? - No, crayons!

No wonton! You want rice? Fried or white?

Fried. No, wait!

You want wonton or what?

- Cancel that order. - (BEEPS)

Rita?

Just go away, please.

I'm sorry.

Sorry?

Me and my dad worked these drains for years.

He broke every bone in his body trying to get that ruby.

It was going to be the answer to all our prayers.

Now it turns out it was a stupid fake.

Maybe I can make it up to you.

- Get stuffed. - No, no, no.

I mean it. Back at my place, we've got

a jewelry box crammed with rubies and diamonds. Real ones.

All you have to do is get me home to Kensington...

...and I'll make you rich beyond your wildest dreams.

(SIGHS)

How do I know this ain't just a load of old rubbish?

Well, I suppose you'll just have to trust me.

I must be out of my mind.

All right. You've got yourself a deal.

(SPITS)

Go on.

You too.

- (HACKS) - Your own hand.

(CLEARS THROAT THEN SPITS)

Where are those idiots?

It's so hard to get good help these days, my boys.

That's right. Come on out, my lovelies.

Cheer your old dad up.

Poor Daddy, surrounded by filthy rats

in this joyless, sunless void!

But don't worry, little men.

Daddy will get rid of them all! He will.

They'll all be deady-weady.

Did you find it?

Did you find it?

Well, we got most of it, boss.

Forget the ruby! It's the master cable that I want.

- The one that grubby creature Rita took. - BOTH: Oh!

Without it, my plan is ruined!

OK, chief. Forget the ruby. Ruby's gone.

See? See? Moving on. We are now your cable guys.

Focused. Cable-centric, boss.

You need to be back in time for the World Cup Final.

Great! Are we watching the game together?

Just get the cable!

- (SCREAMING) - WHITEY: Keep your legs straight!

Are you sure we should be stopping with goons after us?

We aren't gonna get far without a map, are we?

(CREAKING)

RODDY: Is that a house?

Yes, and it's very dangerous. So...

- Ah! - ...why don't you wait here.

Waiting here. Excellent idea.

- Watch out for the piranha. - (EXCLAIMS)

KIDS: Rita!

(EXCLAIMS)

(KIDS SHOUTING)

RITA: Here you go, Annie. You, Shamus.

Mimi, get your finger out of your nose. Fergus.

- Jojo, no biting. - KID 1: That is wild good!

KIDS: Rita!

- Ta-da! - Rita's back!

- Rita! - Mum! Oh, Mum.

Thank goodness you're safe.

Rita!

Hello, Dad.

Give us a hug, girl!

(EXCLAIMING)

(GRUNTS)

(ALL GRUNTING)

Mom, there's a peeping Tom outside!

Tom?! Ohh, it's Tom Jones!

Mother, it's not Tom Jones.

That's just my passenger.

- He's very good-looking. - He is not coming in.

RITA'S MOM: Soup's on!

It's lovely. Thanks, Mum.

So how long have you been Rita's boyfriend?

He's not my boyfriend.

Will you make an honest woman of my daughter?

Dad!

We were thinking of a spring wedding, right, cream puff?

Look, I want all of you to know he's...

Tom Jones!

So your name is "Roddy," is that right?

Yes, that's right. Roddy St. James.

What a beautiful name.

- Hi, Roddy. - Who might you be, little chap?

- They call me Shocky. - Why do they call you that?

- Shocky! - (EXCLAIMS) Yes! Got it.

Rita, where are you taking this handsome young man?

That's why I need your maps, Dad.

Because he's from... (CLEARS THROAT) Up Top.

(COUGHS)

Kitchen. Now.

Sing us a song, Tom!

(KIDS CLAMOURING)

- I'm not saying it isn't risky. - But it's impossible, Rita.

No one's ever got past the rapids at Hyde Park.

Dad, Dad! He's gonna pay us.

For the last time, we don't need the money!

(CRASHING)

A new stove might be nice.

- RODDY(SINGING): Talkin' about the little lady - Go, Tom! Go!

- Sing to my heart! - She's a lady

Talkin' about that old lady

And the lady wears big undies

Huge undies.

LIAM: Psst! Rita!

It's OK. It's me, Liam.

Quick, in the kitchen.

LADY: Look at those moves!

I love you, Tom!

This bloke isn't who he says he is.

His real name is Millicent Bystander, an international jewel thief.

A mastermind, a super-criminal.

Looks like he crossed The Toad and got away with it.

But I'm a thinker. I've got a plan.

(RODDY EXCLAIMING)

More! More!

- That was brilliant! - Oh, it was nothing.

- So you're from Up Top? - Yes.

- I've met one of your lot before. - Really?

Used to be some old lady's pet.

That's nice.

Terribly lonely for him, though. He had no one to talk to.

No one to cuddle with!

No one to shocky.

That's no life, is it?

I'd better get these dishes started.

Please, permit me.

- Oh, you're such a gentleman! - (KIDS CONTINUE CLAMOURING)

RITA: Great! So I hand Roddy over to The Toad

and claim the reward.

Then we're all sitting pretty for the rest of our lives. Is that it?

LIAM: The Toad will pay a fortune for him.

He's a bad one anyway, so that's all right, isn't it?

You cheeky little monkey. I won't have no son of mine acting the rat.

We Malones never go back on our word.

- He's gonna steal your boat. - He won't.

- He's stealing your boat. - He isn't stealing...

- He stole your boat. - What?

He's like Robin Hood in reverse.

- (RITA GRUNTS) - (ALL CLAMOURING)

Oi! I thought we had a deal!

So did l!

(RITA'S DAD SCREAMING)

This is an emergency! Get out of the way! Emergency!

Keep clear! I'm coming, Mr. Jones, I'm coming! Marry me, Mr. Jones!

Roddy!

That double-crossing little schemer. I don't need her.

That double-crossing little schemer. I don't need her.

I mean, anyone can get out and sail. Look at me!

All right, Sid, you're in for a big surprise.

- MAN: Look out! - (SCREAMING)

- Sorry! - (PHONE RINGING)

Sid's Tattoo and Hot Dog Parlor.

RODDY: It's Roddy. Remember me?

- The butler? - Roddy!

- Listen, you! If you're still there when I get back... - (BURPING)

Back? Back? How will you do that then, Roddy?

(CRASHING)

- What was that? - SID: Gotta go, Rodders.

If I find one thing out of place... (EXCLAIMS)

(RATTLING)

(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)

(SIGHS)

(SONG STARTS)

Here's a little song I wrote

You might want to sing it note for note

Don't worry

Be happy

Don't worry, be happy now

- (GROANS) - (SONG STOPS)

Where are they hiding?

Think. Think.

To find a rat, you got to think like a rat.

MAN: Hey, guys.

I've had a tip-off. They're heading west to Kensington.

Bingo!

Scrabble! (LAUGHS)

Enough games. To the ratmobiles!

OK, OK. We can fix it.

Yes, we can. Obviously...

- (SIZZLES) - (EXCLAIMS)

Fairly major burn to the hand. Smell of burning flesh.

Maybe I should just...

- (SIZZLING) - (EXCLAIMING)

(GROWLS THEN EXCLAIMING)

That really hurt.

Just start, you worthless old pile of rubbish! You useless, unreliable...

RITA: Untrustworthy, double-crossing, two-faced, conniving little toe-rag!

(EXCLAIMING)

So I'm the double-crosser? Oh, yes, that's rich!

I overheard everything.

Yes, you and your family were gonna sell me to The Toad!

What?

You dipstick! That was my stupid little brother's plan.

And no one listens to him.

Must have missed that part.

How could you think I'd sell you out? When I make a deal, I make a deal.

Your hair's on fire.

What? (EXCLAIMING)

Rita, look...

...I'm sorry. I was wrong. I think we should just put it behind us.

OK. I suppose I can put it behind me.

This is such an overreaction!

Rita, you can't just leave me here on a...

On a duck! Up the creek without a...

You're getting everything you deserve. Sneaking around,

eavesdropping on people's conversations.

I was not sneaking around.

Right.

I say, you can't really intend to just strand me like this.

You're not that heartless.

(ENGINE STARTING)

OK, maybe you are.

If you're trying to teach me a lesson, consider it taught!

I'm on a duck, begging!

(GUITAR PLAYING)

RODDY(SINGING): Ice cold Rita

Never did I meet a

Girl who's half so cruel I offered her a jewel

But she left me stuck Stranded on a duck

What a shoddy thing to do to Roddy Me

That's Roddy St. James of Kensington

SLUGS: Poor, poor Roddy

Flushed down his own potty

Rita, can't you find it in your heart

To help him?

RODDY: How mean can one rat be?

Ice cold Rita

ALL: Won't you be sweeter to me?

(EXCLAIMS)

Am I forgiven?

No. I was just afraid you'd sing another verse.

Rita, I wasn't eavesdropping, I swear to you.

Oh, really?

(SCREAMING)

What were you doing, then, Roddy?

I was actually just watching you with your family...

...and...

...thinking how lucky you were.

(SIGHS) Lucky? Stuck with you?

So our deal's still on?

Sure it is.

(SPITS)

(HACKS AND SPITS)

Look, I really want to help out around here.

Just give me a job. Anything... engineer, navigator.

I could drive for a bit if you like.

CREATURE: Pick on someone your own size!

- You heard the captain. - Get lost!

There's no room for passengers on this boat.

- (GRUMBLING) - (EXCLAIMS)

Let go, you sticky little... (STRAINS)

SPIKE: I'm the captain, and I say go left.

WHITEY: Would that be port or starboard, Spike?

There they are!

Go get them, lads!

Go get them, lads!

(MIXERS WHIRRING)

- (LAUGHS) - (ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)

Rita!

Wait for it, wait for it... Now!

Have another go if you think you're fast enough!

- (WHOOPS) - (SCREAMING)

RITA: Hold on, Roddy!

Get that cable, lads!

(RODDY SCREAMING)

(HORN BLARING)

- You may now kiss the bride. - (RODDY YELLS)

(EXCLAIMS)

Congratulations, by the way!

- (EXCLAIMS) - (HORNS BLARING)

RODDY: Rita!

Rita! Can we go a little faster, please?

We don't have to!

RITA: Go, go, purple custard!

(EXCLAIMS)

(SCREAMS)

(RODDY YELLS)

LUKE: End of the line, Millicent.

Oh, yeah! (LAUGHS)

- Rita, try and go right! - What?

Just trust me!

I hope you know what you're doing!

(YELLS)

(EXCLAIMS) Now head for the rope!

OK.

Whoa!

(EXCLAIMS)

- (GRUNTS) - (GASPS)

- (SCREAMING) - Oh, no.

Well done, Roddy!

We did it! We did it!

We didn't do it.

(LAUGHING)

(EXCLAIMS)

Can you get me back on the boat?

(SCREAMS)

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

WHITEY: Are you sure about this, Spike? These things are supposed to be dangerous.

Danger is my middle name.

- I thought it was Leslie. - (GROANS)

(EXCLAIMS)

Just thought I'd drop in.

Rita, do something quick!

- (SPIKE LAUGHING MANIACALLY) - Hang on tight!

(RITA YELLING)

- RODDY: Whoa! - (SPIKE CONTINUES LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

Uh-oh.

Any last requests?

Yes. Could you fly quite suddenly off the boat, screaming like a girl?

(SCREAMING)

- (LAUGHS) - (SCREAMING CONTINUES)

(GRUNTING AND GROANING)

Oh, dear.

(BOTH WHOOPING AND LAUGHING)

Yes!

Yes!

(IN SLOW MOTION) Look out!

(ALL SCREAMING)

MAN: You darn foreigners!

- (GROANS) - Do you think the boss will be annoyed with us?

KERMIT: You incompetent cheese-eaters!

You let them escape?

(EXCLAIMS)

It's obvious I should never have sent rodents to do an amphibian's job.

Where is he?

Why is he always late?

LE FROG: En garde! Droit! Parry! Thrust!

Le Frog?

(LE FROG LAUGHS)

Bonjour.

You're late, Le Frog.

Fashionably late, my annoying English cousin. I know no other way.

Now, listen. Rita and her new accomplice have stolen something irreplaceable.

It's all right, boss! We've got another one!

- (ELECTRICITY CRACKLING) - (SCREAMING)

A master cable of unique design and purpose.

- (CRASHING) - I want it back.

(SCOOFS) Don't worry. I'll get it back for you.

Once it is returned, my plan will be complete.

To wash away, once and for all, the curse, the scourge of...

...rats.

Forgive me, my warty English cousin,

but this bizarre obsession with the rats, it is not good for you.

You are becoming what we French call le fruitcake.

Perhaps you forget that it was a rat who cast me from paradise!

Oh, please. Not the scrapbook again!

My memoirs.

Volume one details the dire and tragic story of my youth.

Oh, mon Dieu!

KERMIT: Of all the pets in Buckingham Palace,

young Prince Charles fancied me the best.

We would frolic day after sunny day in royal abandon,

sharing that sweet and magical bond between boy and toad.

LE FROG: You're gonna make me throw up.

We were inseparable until...

...it arrived.

That rat!

While the poor boy's head was turned,

I was cruelly plunged into a whirlpool of despair.

(SOBBING)

I know, I know. You were flushed away down the loo, right?

Oi.

Boo-hoo-hoo. It is so dark,

so cold, so terrible!

You find my pain funny?

I find everyone's pain funny but my own.

I'm French.

Just get the cable!

Henchfrogs!

We have a mission. Let nothing stand in our way.

We leave immediately.

What about dinner?

We leave... in five hours.

(SINGING) Love, love, love, love

RITA: This is quite tasty.

RODDY: Thanks.

Not too bad, considering I only had an apple, six raisins and a box of rice.

Rice?

(SINGING) What's that urge from deep inside?

(BOTH SINGING) The need to hurl won't be denied

That isn't rice That's maggots you're eating

ALL: Larva, larva, larva... (SQUEAL)

That explains why it all ran to one side when I put the salt in.

You know...

...I think we did pretty well today.

I suppose maybe I misjudged you a bit. I mean, you're not...

Do I hear an actual compliment coming?

- Never mind. - No, no, no, say it.

You're not the useless, whiny, stuck-up, pompous, big girl's blouse I thought.

There. Was that so hard?

We better get some rest if we're gonna get you home tomorrow.

Catch.

- (EXCLAIMS) - Tell me about yourself, Roddy.

Well, there's not much to tell.

You know all about me, warts and all. I don't even know what you do.

I'm...

I'm in a boy band.

Yeah. Yeah, I'm the posh one.

I'm serious.

Tell me about your life Up Top. Friends, family.

You do have a family, don't you?

Of course I do. Brothers, sisters, cousins. We're quite a clan.

You wouldn't believe the fun we have.

Hanging out at the movies, playing golf, going skiing.

It's just so great!

No wonder you want to get home.

Yeah.

Well, I guess tomorrow we'll both get what we want.

Good night.

Good night, Roddy.

Good night.

Good night.

(IN HIGHER VOICE) Good night.

Good night.

(IN DEEPER VOICE) Good night.

Good night, Roddy.

- Don't let the bedbugs bite. - (CHUCKLES)

- (STRIKES) - (EXCLAIMS)

(CHUCKLES AND SCREAMS)

(HORN BLARING)

- (EXCLAIMS) - Wakey-wakey!

Getting close to Kensington.

Tie down anything loose. It'll be a bumpy ride.

RODDY: Aye, aye, captain.

(ACCORDION PLAYING)

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

(EXCLAIMS)

- Bonjour! - Bonjour!

- Bonjour! - Bonjour!

- Bonjour! - (EXCLAIMS)

Who invited you onboard?

Hop it. Hop it!

The English little girly, she's so aggressive.

Le Frog.

I like a woman with a little fire.

- (KISSING) - (SMACKS)

You're going to pay for that, my little chocolate croissant!

But first, a word from our sponsor. Marcel?

(TONE PLAYING)

Ahh.

I should have known.

Well done, Le Frog! I salute you, sir.

Now then, Rita, hand it over.

Hand what over?

(GROWLS)

This dance of deception must end.

Return what you have stolen from me.

Enough dancing!

I don't have it anymore. It was a fake anyway.

What?

Oh, the ruby.

(LAUGHING)

He's cuckoo, but family.

Oh, this is rich.

The ruby was a pretty thing.

Stop that.

But nothing when compared to the master cable.

The master what?

The cab...

Turn.

The cable! The one you're now wearing as a belt.

- If that's all he wants... - Hang on.

What do you want it for anyway?

Oh, you'll see, come the World Cup Final this afternoon.

(CONTINUES LAUGHING)

The World Cup Final?

- (COUGHING) - OK, OK, cousin, take a breath. Leave it to me.

We'll get your cable, kill the rodents, then me and my team

can settle down to a decent breakfast.

- (LAUGHTER) - OK, men, to action!

ALL: We surrender!

- No, not that one, you idiots! The kung fu thing! - ALL: Oh!

(ALL SHOUTING)

I've got a plan.

Go for it.

- (FLY SCREAMS) - Fly at twelve o'clock!

Oh, bother.

(FROGS SHOUTING)

- KERMIT: Fools! Grab them! - (GRUNTING)

KERMIT: Le Frog! No! Get that cable!

Mon Dieu!

KERMIT: You rats, this is not over yet!

(BOTH GRUNT)

Roddy! The rapids!

- (GASPS) - (ALL GASP)

RITA: Oh, no!

- (RITA GRUNTING) - (RODDY STRAINS)

En garde! (CHUCKLES)

(GRUNTS) Ha!

- (BLUBBERING) - Rita? We're going over!

Do something!

(ALL IMITATE SIRENS BLARING)

- No, no, no! (SCREAMING) - (RITA SCREAMING)

- (RITA CONTINUES SCREAMING) - (SCREAMING)

RITA: Gotcha!

(LAUGHS)

Au revoir, mon ch�ri!

- Take your flippers off me! - (LAUGHING)

I have triumphed!

You stupid English, with your Yorkshire puddings and chips and fish,

you thought you could defeat Le Frog? Un...

(GASPS)

(SQUEALING)

...deux...

(EXCLAIMS)

...trois!

(BOTH SCREAMING)

Nibble for your life!

(LAUGHING)

My belt, I think.

- You rodents! - (ALL BLOWING RASPBERRY)

(BUBBLING)

Goodbye, Jammy, me old mate.

(EXCLAIMS)

- (BOTH WHOOPING) - SLUGS: Whee!

We're OK, we're OK, we're OK, we're OK.

Try opening your eyes!

- (SCREAMING) - (EXCLAIMING)

We're over Kensington!

Yeah, only a terrifying 900-foot drop between you and a nice comfortable bed.

Where's your house then?

Right, now. Let me see...

Inverness Gardens, Vicarage Gate, Kensington High Street.

- Try and go left. - (RITA GRUNTS)

That's it. Now go right.

This is gonna be tricky.

Yeah, and everything else has been a piece of cake.

All right, here we go.

Forty-five, 47, 49...

...now!

(BOTH YELL)

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Well, I've had softer landings.

We did it.

I'm home.

The crew of the Jammy Dodger survives! (LAUGHS)

Yep.

Rita?

Oh, of course. I'm such an idiot. The Dodger.

Wasn't your fault, Rod.

Quite an adventure, though, wasn't it?

Rita, I am so sorry.

But I think I might be able to cheer you up.

Ta-da! As promised, the Kensington jewels.

A genuine star-cut ruby.

It's just beautiful!

And the best part?

Unbreakable.

I don't know what to say.

You think it will be enough? I mean, to take care of your family?

And maybe this could be the Jammy Dodger Mark Two.

Well...

...I suppose this is it.

Thank you... for the lift.

You're welcome.

- Roddy? - Yes.

I don't suppose you'd have time to give me a quick tour?

Of course.

I'd love to meet your family.

Hello?

Hello, hello, hello? Anybody home?

Wouldn't you know it? All out, every one of them.

Wait. Wait, wait, wait.

- What is that? - Oh, that.

That's my master bedroom.

- It's a cage. - No! It's not, actually.

Then why the lock and bars?

That's my... home security system.

So much to see, so little time to see it in. Shall we?

Roddy.

You're all alone up here, aren't you?

SID: Goal!

Who's that?

That would be... my brother!

What a game! I can't believe it!

He shoots! He scores! Back of the net! Group hug.

- Oh, hello. - Rita, this is...

-...Rupert! - What?

Rupert, this is Rita. She's been

so looking forward to meeting my brother.

- Ah! - Obviously, there's not a huge family resemblance.

I rather got the brains and... Well, actually, I got the looks too,

but we're very close, aren't we, Rupert?

Well, how time flies when you're having fun! Still...

On with the tour, shall we?

Hello, Sid.

Hello, Rita.

- How's your dad? - Better, yeah. Thanks for asking.

Rupert? (LAUGHING)

What was that all about? Come here, you poor little thing.

Look at his little face. You ever seen anything so pathetic?

Brothers? (LAUGHING)

All Mr. Lonely has got is a couple of dolls

and a little wheel to run around in his cage.

This is too sweet!

What a lo-o-o-o-o-o-oser!

(RUNNING FOOTSTEPS)

It's OK, Roddy.

OK?

Look at this place, Rita. Look at my home. It's a palace!

I can do whatever I want whenever I want to.

I'd say that's a little more than OK, wouldn't you?

What do I need a family for? What do I need friends for?

I'm sorry, but if you have everything you need, then...

...I really have to get going. I have a serious infestation to deal with.

I'll say goodbye, then...

...Roddy St. James...

...of Kensington.

(TOILET FLUSHING)

(SIGHS)

(SLUGS SINGING)

Lonely

I'm Mr. Lonely

I have nobody

For my own

MAN(ON TV): Only ten minutes left until halftime.

And what an amazing match...

Come on, England! This is fantastic!

- (GULPING) - A rare attack here by Germany, but it comes to very little.

Come here, bro! Rupert's missing his Rodsy-Wodsy.

(LAUGHING)

Here, have a cheese puff.

Have another.

Here you go.

No! Duh. You're supposed to eat them.

Move... over.

- What? - (SHOUTS) Move over!

I'll take some of that.

(GULPING)

Word of advice, mate. Take it easy with the drink, seriously,

or you'll never make it to halftime.

(RODDY SPITS)

What did you say?

The bathroom. I'm waiting till halftime.

I don't want to miss any of the game.

Halftime. He's waiting till halftime!

HAROLD: Those floodgates won't hold forever!

KERMIT: No! Not the master cable!

RITA: What do you want it for anyway?

KERMIT: Oh, you'll see, come the World Cup Final this afternoon.

(LAUGHTER)

SID(IN DEEPER VOICE): Half... time.

Half... time.

Of course. That's The Toad's plan! That's why he needs the cable!

When everyone goes to the toilet, the city will be flushed away!

Come with me.

What about the game?

MAN(ON TV): And what a game it is!

Oh, a nasty fall there for Ray Bowers.

Can you see all right, Fergus?

Yes, thanks, Mum.

Where's your helmets? Which one's the quarterback? Pick up the ball!

Oh! These Brits don't know the first thing about football.

KERMIT: Enjoy your last moments, you egregious vermin.

SPIKE: I've got Rita, boss! I've got Rita!

RITA: Get off me, you lab reject!

Ha! You missed. (EXCLAIMS)

(CRASHING)

KERMIT: Ah, Rita.

It's so good of you to return the cable.

Bonjour.

Hey!

At last! It's mine!

(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

- Just take it. - (GRUMBLES)

Let there be light!

(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)

(LAUGHING EVILY)

Please don't flush me, Roddy! I can't survive down there!

I've gone soft!

Sid, I want you to flush me. I'm going back.

Back?

Rita's in terrible danger. Everyone's in terrible danger!

Now, you like it here, don't you?

Oh, yes, Roddy. I like it here very much.

And if I leave you, will you be good to Tabitha, the little girl?

I'll be as good as gold to her, Roddy. And I will be the best pet ever!

Then the place is all yours.

- Sweet! - Great.

Let's get the bubbles going. I've got a big job to do down there.

Right away, sir!

So long, Sid.

So long, Rodnick Saint Something of Someplace or other.

Geronimo!

And, lo, a chosen one shall come down from above,

and he shall be our savior from the Great Flood!

(RODDY SCREAMING)

I'm terribly sorry.

MAN(ON TV): Just two minutes left till halftime! Incredible!

- It's a fantasy start for England. - RODDY: Rita!

England leads Germany by three goals to one.

What an amazing game this is turning out to be!

The grand opening. (LAUGHS)

(METAL CLANGING)

- And the referee again has to bring play to a halt. - (GASPS)

Rita!

MAN: Fans for the fans!

Extra! Pied Piper lures thousands to their death!

Balloons!

(GRUNTING)

RODDY: Rita!

(GASPS)

Rita!

Roddy!

I'm sorry. I've been such a fool. You were right about me and everything.

I should have admitted it, but I was afraid you wouldn't like me anymore.

Do you think we can talk about this after you rescue me?

Of course. There's no time. When that whistle blows

and everyone Up Top goes to the toilet, it'll flush away the city.

I know. And my family are all down there.

We've got to warn everyone.

Stop them!

- (PIN GUN FIRING RAPIDLY) - (KERMIT LAUGHING)

- (AIR HISSING) - Oh, dear.

(BOTH SCREAMING)

(FARTING)

Whoa! Whitey!

I saw an opportunity and I seized it.

So you thought you could make a fool of The Toad, eh?

(EXCLAIMS)

You don't need us for that.

You think you're so clever, don't you?

Well, I'll be the one laughing

when every last revolting rat is flushed away!

For I shall repopulate the city...

...with these! (LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

- (ALL EXCLAIM) - Nasty.

- Is this the Glorious Amphibian Dawn? - Anything for you.

- Can I have a pony? - No.

- A puppy? - We'll talk about it.

- Can we talk about it now? - No.

- Can I have a puppy? - (ALL CLAMOURING)

You can't all have puppies! Please! Daddy's working!

We need to get down and pull out that cable.

How?

It's impossible.

England is winning. Anything's possible.

(EXCLAIMING)

SPIKE: Turn it off, Whitey!

- Come on! - SPIKE: They're getting away!

(GRUNTS)

(EXCLAIMS)

Oh. Hi, boss. (YELPS)

Whitey! They're biting my bottom! Help!

WHITEY: I'm coming, Spike!

KERMIT: You fools! Grab them!

Top floor, lingerie, housewares

- and certain doom! - (ALL SHOUTING)

(FROGS GRUNTING)

(EXCLAIMS)

(GROWLING)

Do I have to do everything myself?!

(SCREAMS)

(YELLS)

- (BANG) - (WHISTLE BLOWING)

MAN(ON TV): There goes the whistle for halftime! We'll be back in a few minutes.

You're too late to do anything! You and your kind are finished!

Oh, yeah? Well, come and get us then, you warty windbag.

(KERMIT GROANING)

- (TOILET FLUSHING) - Oh, no!

(SLUGS SCREECHING)

(KERMIT GROWLS)

The gate. Back this way! Come on!

- (GRUNTS AND SCREAMS) - Rita!

If I'm going, you're both coming with me!

Just go, Roddy!

- (YELLS) - (EXCLAIMS)

That's it.

RITA: Roddy!

Stop moving!

Come and get me, you big, slimy airbag!

(GRUNTS)

Roddy, look out!

- Yes! - (EXCLAIMS)

Le Frog!

(GROANS)

Let's finish this.

RITA: Let me go!

Goodbye, rat!

- (SCREAMING) - Rita!

Feeling a little tongue-tied?

Impossible!

Toodle-oo.

- No! - (ALL SCREAMING)

- Wave! Wave! - ALL(CHEERING): England!

No, giant wave!

(ALL SCREAMING)

Please work. Please work. Please work!

(ALL SCREECH)

(ALL CHEERING)

High five!

Oh, yeah.

SHOCKY: Look! It's Roddy and Rita!

Good on you, girl!

Hooray for Millicent Bystander!

Millicent!

- Millicent! - (CROWD CHANTING)

You're a hero, Roddy.

(LE FROG SCOOFS) Big deal.

You wretched vermin!

I'll make you pay for this!

Give it a rest, cousin. And get your kids a puppy.

Rita...

...I was wondering, if you do build a Jammy Dodger Mark Two...

...you wouldn't happen to need a first mate, would you?

Left a good job in the city

Left a good job in the city

Workin' for the man every night and day

ALL: Rollin'

Rollin' on the river

- Rollin' on the river - ALL: The river

OK.

Hello, Tom! Give us a squeeze!

(CROWD CHEERING)

All right, chaps.

Big wheel keep on turnin'

Proud Mary keep on burnin'

Rollin', rollin'

Rollin' on the river

I love a happy ending.

You've gone soft! I like unhappy endings, with lots of violence. (GROANS)

- (SCREAMING) - (CRASH)

Are you happy now, Spike?

(RITA LAUGHS)

(WHOOPING)

- Shall we? - Go for it.

- (WHIRRING) - Big wheel keep on turnin'

Proud Mary keep on burnin'

- (RODDY YELLING) - (RITA WHOOPING)

(ALL YELLING)

- Where are we going? - I have no idea.

But we're gonna get there really fast!

I'm coming, Mr. Jones! I'm coming!

Ah, this is the life.

Ah, this is the life.

TAHBITA: Roddy, I'm home!

- (GASPS) - And I've brought you a new friend!

- (CAT MEOWS) - (EXCLAIMS)