Original subtitles

[BIG BAND MUSIC PLAYS]

IF YOU HAD A CHOICE...

YEAH?

WOULD YOU RATHER LOVE A GIRL

OR HAVE HER LOVE YOU?

I'D WANT IT MUTUAL.

I MEAN IF YOU COULDN'T HAVE IT MUTUAL.

YOU MEAN, WOULD I RATHER BE THE ONE

WHO LOVES OR IS LOVED?

YEAH.

IT'S NOT THAT EASY A QUESTION.

I THINK I'D RATHER BE IN LOVE.

ME, TOO.

I WOULDN'T WANT TO GET HURT, THOUGH.

YOU WERE IN LOVE WITH GLORIA.

I WAS STARTING TO BE IN LOVE WITH HER,

THEN SHE LET ME

FEEL HER UP ON THE FIRST DATE.

TURNED ME RIGHT OFF.

YOU KEPT GOING WITH HER.

WELL, SHE LET ME FEEL HER UP.

[LAUGHTER] [LAUGHTER]

WHAT ABOUT GWEN?

HER, I COULD TALK TO.

I'VE NEVER BEEN ABLE

TO TALK TO ANY GIRL.

I WAS REALLY GETTING CRAZY ABOUT HER,

BUT SHE'S STUCK UP.

WOULDN'T LET ME LAY A HAND ON HER.

SO I WENT BACK TO GLORIA.

[LAUGHTER] [LAUGHTER]

YOU WANT PERFECTION?

WHAT DO YOU WANT, WISE GUY?

SHE JUST HAS TO BE NICE.

THAT'S ALL.

YOU WOULDN'T WANT HER BEAUTIFUL?

SHE DOESN'T HAVE TO BE BEAUTIFUL.

I'D LIKE HER BUILT, THOUGH.

I WANT MINE SEXY-LOOKING.

I WOULDN'T WANT HER TO LOOK LIKE A TRAMP.

SEXY DOESN'T MEAN SHE HAS TO LOOK LIKE A TRAMP.

THERE'S A MIDDLE GROUND.

I WOULD WANT THAT.

YEAH.

TALL,

VERY TALL.

THAT WOULD SCARE ME.

[LAUGHTER]

SHE SHOULD BE VERY UNDERSTANDING.

WE'D START

THE SAME SENTENCES TOGETHER.

YEAH, I'D LIKE THAT.

BIG TITS.

[LAUGHTER] [LAUGHTER]

YEAH, BUT STILL A VIRGIN.

I DON'T CARE ABOUT THAT.

COME ON.

I WOULDN'T MIND

IF SHE WAS A LITTLE AHEAD OF ME--

NOT WITH THOSE BIG TITS

AND KNEW HUNDREDS OF DIFFERENT WAYS.

I WANT MORE OF A COMPANION.

THE OTHER STUFF, I CAN GET ON THE OUTSIDE.

FIRST TIME I DO IT,

I WANT IT BEAUTIFUL.

I DON'T WANT TO WASTE IT ON SOME BEAST.

I FEEL THE SAME WAY ABOUT GETTING LAID

AS I FEEL ABOUT GOING TO COLLEGE.

I'M BEING PRESSURED INTO IT.

[NEW TUNE]

YOU LIKE THAT?

YEAH.

I GIVE HER TO YOU.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH HER?

I'M A GENEROUS GUY.

YEAH, I'M GRATEFUL.

HOW DO I BREAK THE NEWS TO HER?

YOU GO OVER THERE.

YEAH?

THERE'S A WAY TO TALK TO GIRLS, YOU KNOW.

TELL HER A JOKE.

WHAT JOKE?

TELL HER ABOUT YOUR UNHAPPY CHILDHOOD.

THAT'S NOT BAD.

BUT DON'T MAKE IT LIKE AN ACT.

NO.

GO AHEAD.

GO AHEAD, SCHMUCK.

IF YOU DON'T, I WILL.

YOU?

YOU CAN'T EVEN STAND UP.

I FUCKED UP.

IT'S MY TURN.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT'S YOUR TURN?

SHE'S MINE. YOU GAVE HER TO ME.

YOU STRUCK OUT.

I GET TWO MORE TIMES AT BAT.

THIS IS THE FIRST TIME

I'VE EVER BEEN TO A COLLEGE MIXER.

ME, TOO. I HATE THEM.

I HATE THEM, TOO.

SUCH A PHONY WAY OF MEETING PEOPLE.

EVERYBODY PUTS ON AN ACT.

SO EVEN IF YOU MEET SOMEBODY,

YOU DON'T KNOW WHO YOU'RE MEETING.

'CAUSE YOU'RE MEETING THE ACT.

THAT'S RIGHT. NOT THE PERSON.

I'M NOT SURE I AGREE.

WITH WHAT?

WITH WHAT YOU SAID.

NO. I DON'T EITHER.

YOU DON'T AGREE WITH WHAT YOU SAID?

HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT IT?

I THINK PEOPLE ONLY LIKE TO THINK THEY'RE PUTTING ON AN ACT,

BUT IT'S NOT AN ACT. IT'S REALLY THEM.

IF THEY THINK IT'S AN ACT, THEY FEEL BETTER.

BECAUSE THEY THINK THEY CAN ALWAYS CHANGE IT.

YOU MEAN, THEY'RE KIDDING THEMSELVES

BECAUSE IT'S NOT REALLY AN ACT?

IT IS AN ACT, BUT THEY'RE THE ACT.

THE ACT IS THEM.

BUT IF IT'S THEM, HOW'S IT AN ACT?

'CAUSE THEY'RE AN ACT.

BUT THEY'RE ALSO REAL.

NO.

YOU MEAN, I'M NOT REAL?

NO.

I'M AN ACT.

IT'S ALL RIGHT. I'M AN ACT, TOO.

DON'T YOU BEHAVE DIFFERENTLY

WITH DIFFERENT PEOPLE?

NO.

WITH YOUR FAMILY?

I THOUGHT YOU MEANT DIFFERENT PEOPLE.

WELL, SURE, WITH MY FAMILY.

AND WITH YOUR FRIENDS, YOU'RE ANOTHER WAY.

WELL, SURE, WITH FRIENDS--

AND WITH YOUR TEACHERS, YOU'RE STILL ANOTHER WAY.

SO WHICH ONE IS YOU?

WHEN YOU PUT IT THAT WAY...

YOU OUGHTA BE A LAWYER.

I'M GOING TO BE A LAWYER.

A LAWYER.

YOU'RE FROM SMITH, RIGHT?

UH-HUH.

DO YOU LIKE IT?

I LIKE IT ALL RIGHT.

DO YOU LIKE AMHERST?

SURE, WHY SHOULDN'T I?

MY PARENTS WORKED VERY HARD TO SEND ME.

I BETTER LIKE IT.

DO YOU HAVE A NAME OR SOMETHING?

SUSAN.

I'M SANDY.

I THINK YOU CAN MAKE OUT WITH HER.

YOU THINK SO?

SHE'S STUFF.

YOU THINK SO?

I WOULDN'T KICK HER OUT OF BED.

I SHOULDN'T TRY SOMEBODY ELSE, THOUGH?

WHO?

SHE WAS THE BEST LOOKING GIRL AT THE MIXER.

I'LL SAY THAT FOR HER. WASN'T SHE?

HER TITS WERE TOO SMALL.

YEAH, I WAS THINKING THAT.

THE HELL WITH HER.

BUT HER LEGS WERE GREAT.

YOU THINK SO? STANDING SO CLOSE,

I REALLY COULDN'T TELL ABOUT HER LEGS.

I WOULDN'T KICK HER OUT OF BED.

SHE'S GOT SOME FUNNY IDEAS.

I WOULDN'T KICK HER OUT OF BED.

DON'T RUSH ME, PLEASE.

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

I LIKE YOU VERY MUCH, SUSAN.

IT'S OUR THIRD DATE.

I LIKE YOU, TOO.

YOU LET ME KISS YOU LAST WEEK.

AND THIS WEEK.

IF I KISSED YOU ONCE LAST WEEK,

I SHOULD BE ABLE TO KISS YOU TWICE TONIGHT.

YOU'RE THE ONLY BOY I KNOW THAT I CAN TALK TO.

I CAN'T SEE YOU BEING QUIET FOR ANY GUY.

NO. NOT QUIET EXACTLY. BUT IF YOU KNOW

SOMEBODY'S NOT GOING TO APPROVE OF WHAT YOU ARE--

WHATEVER THAT IS.

WHATEVER THAT IS.

WELL, YOU JUST DON'T TELL HIM.

IF I LIKE A BOY, AND I WANT HIM TO KEEP LIKING ME,

AND I'M BRIGHTER THAN HE IS, I HAVE TO NOT SHOW IT

OR I'LL LOSE HIM, SO IT'S HARD.

WELL, I WOULDN'T WANT ANYONE OVERLY BRIGHT.

YEAH, BUT YOU WOULDN'T FEEL THREATENED.

I MIGHT BE BOTHERED A LITTLE.

I DON'T THINK YOU WOULD,

NOT NEARLY AS MUCH AS SOME PEOPLE.

FOR INSTANCE, SOMEDAY, I WANT TO WRITE NOVELS.

NOT NOW, BUT LATER ON WHEN I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY.

NOW, THAT DOESN'T THREATEN YOU, DOES IT?

NO.

MAYBE A LITTLE.

DON'T PRESS SO HARD.

SEE? IT'S BETTER WHEN IT'S GENTLE.

SEE?

WHAT ARE YOU GRINNING AT?

YOU FEEL HER UP YET?

COME ON, I LIKE THIS GIRL.

I DON'T WANT TO RUIN THINGS.

WAS I RIGHT ABOUT KISSING HER?

LISTEN, WE HAD A BIG FIGHT OVER IT.

AND YOU WON.

I DON'T KNOW IF I WON OR NOT.

WHY ARE YOU LETTING YOURSELF BE PUSHED AROUND?

YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S PUSHING ME AROUND.

I GUESS I WON. SURE, I WON.

SHE KISSED ME FIVE TIMES.

THAT'S WHEN YOU SHOULD'VE PUT YOUR HAND ON HER TIT.

WHEN THIS GIRL'S NICE ENOUGH TO KISS ME,

I SHOULD DO THAT TO HER?

YOU ACT AS IF SHE'S DOING YOU A FAVOR.

IT IS SORT OF A FAVOR, ISN'T IT?

WHEN A GIRL LETS YOU KISS HER,

YOU KNOW, GO ON FROM THERE,

FEEL HER UP, AND THE REST OF IT,

GO ALL THE WAY, ISN'T IT A FAVOR?

WHAT'S IN IT FOR HER?

SHE'S NOT GETTING PAID OR ANYTHING.

FUCK YOU!

OK, OK. I'LL FEEL HER UP.

PLEASE TAKE YOUR HAND OFF MY BREAST.

WHY?

BECAUSE I WANT YOU TO.

HOW COULD IT BE ANY FUN FOR YOU

IF YOU KNOW I DON'T WANT IT?

I DIDN'T SAY IT WAS FUN.

THEN WHY IS YOUR HAND WHERE IT IS?

BECAUSE THE WAY WE'RE GOING,

BY THIS TIME, I SHOULD BE FEELING YOU UP.

I DON'T FEEL THAT WAY ABOUT YOU, SANDY.

I FEEL THAT WAY ABOUT YOU.

YOU WANT ME TO FEEL SOMETHING

FOR YOU, TOO, DON'T YOU?

I THOUGHT YOU LIKED ME.

I DO LIKE YOU.

BUT I LIKE YOU FOR OTHER REASONS.

SO?

SO, IF WE WENT ANY FURTHER,

THERE WOULDN'T BE THOSE REASONS ANYMORE.

WE MIGHT HAVE SOMETHING ELSE, THOUGH.

WHAT?

SOMETHING ELSE.

YOU'RE THE FIRST GIRL I'VE EVER DONE THAT TO, SUSAN.

I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.

IT DOESN'T SHOW?

NO.

WELL, IT'S SOMETHING

WE BOTH HAVE TO GO THROUGH, I GUESS.

SUSAN, ARE YOU A VIRGIN?

WHAT DO I DO WITH MY OTHER HAND?

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH YOUR HANDS?

AND THEN WHAT?

SHE TOLD ME TO TAKE MY HAND OFF HER BREAST.

WHAT'D YOU DO?

I SAID I DIDN'T WANT TO.

THEN WHAT?

SHE SAID HOW CAN IT BE FUN FOR ME

WHEN SHE DIDN'T LIKE IT.

OH, JESUS.

I SAID, "I THOUGHT YOU LIKED ME."

YEAH?

SHE SAID I LIKE YOU FOR OTHER REASONS.

OTHER REASONS?

SO I TOLD HER HOW I REALLY NEEDED THIS.

WHAT DID YOU TELL HER?

YOU KNOW, THAT IT WAS MY FIRST TIME.

YOUR FIRST TIME WHAT? WHAT DID YOU SAY EXACTLY?

I DON'T REMEMBER EXACTLY.

THAT SHE WAS THE FIRST GIRL

I EVER TRIED TO FEEL UP.

YOU TOLD HER THAT?

WAS IT A MISTAKE?

I WOULDN'T.

THEN SHE GOT NICER TO ME.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN NICER?

SHE PUT MY HAND ON HER BREAST.

YOU MEAN YOU PUT IT ON, SHE LEFT IT THERE.

NO, SHE PICKED IT UP AND PUT IT ON.

SHE TOOK YOUR HAND, LIKE THIS,

AND PUT IT ON LIKE THIS?

THAT'S RIGHT.

I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO THINK.

YOU DIDN'T, HUH?

I MEAN FROM JUST WANTING TO BE FRIENDS,

SHE'S SUDDENLY GETTING PRETTY AGGRESSIVE.

YEAH, THEN WHAT?

I ASKED HER IF SHE WAS A VIRGIN.

YOU'RE KIDDING?

WAS THAT A MISTAKE?

MM.

ANYHOW, SHE IS.

SHE SAYS. SO NOW YOU GOT WHAT?

ONE HAND OR TWO HANDS ON HER TITS?

BY THIS TIME,

SHE'S PUT THE OTHER HAND ON THE OTHER ONE.

SHE PUT BOTH HANDS ON? TWO HANDS?

SO I SAID, "WHAT ABOUT YOUR HANDS?"

YOU DIDN'T SAY THAT!

IT JUST CAME OUT.

YEAH, THEN WHAT?

LET ME SEE IF I GOT THIS.

SHE UNZIPPED MY FLY.

BULLSHIT ARTIST. THEN WHAT?

THEN WHAT?

THEN SHE DID IT.

DID WHAT?

[LAUGHS] BULLSHIT ARTIST.

SHE REALLY DID THAT TO YOU?

SHE DID THAT?!

YEAH.

[BOTH LAUGH LOUDLY]

HELLO, IS THIS SUSAN?

WELL, YOU DON'T KNOW ME.

I'M A FRIEND OF SANDY'S.

HIS ROOMMATE. YEAH. JONATHAN.

HE TOLD YOU ABOUT ME?

YEAH.

SO, UH, I'M HERE AT SMITH FOR TONIGHT.

PRACTICALLY ON CAMPUS.

I WAS JUST TAKING A DRIVE, YOU KNOW,

AND I FOUND MYSELF PRACTICALLY ON CAMPUS.

HOW DO YOU LIKE SMITH?

WHAT'S YOUR MAJOR?

WHERE DID YOU GO TO HIGH SCHOOL?

WHAT DO YOU DO IN THE SUMMER?

DO YOU ALWAYS ANSWER A QUESTION

WITH A QUESTION?

DO YOU ALWAYS DATE YOUR BEST FRIENDS' GIRLFRIENDS?

SANDY TOLD ME YOU WERE BEAUTIFUL.

HE TOLD ME YOU WERE SEXY.

I GUESS HE'S JUST A POOR JUDGE.

I GUESS HE MEANT YOU HAD PERSONALITY.

GOOD GRIEF.

YOU HAVE A SPECIAL QUALITY.

I LIKE GIRLS WHO ARE SPECIAL.

I'M HARDLY THAT SPECIAL.

SOME PEOPLE YOU CAN TELL ABOUT RIGHT AWAY.

MOST GIRLS I TALK TO,

IT'S LIKE WE'RE SPIES AND SPEAKING IN CODE.

EVERYTHING MEANS SOMETHING ELSE.

LIKE I SAY, "WOULD YOU LIKE TO TAKE A WALK?"

AND IT MEANS SOMETHING ELSE.

AND SHE SAYS, "I CAN'T. I'VE GOT A TEST TOMORROW."

IT MEANS SOMETHING ELSE.

AND YOU SAY,

"I'LL COME HELP YOU STUDY,"

AND IT MEANS SOMETHING ELSE.

YOU'RE VERY SHARP. I LIKE THAT.

AND THAT MEANS SOMETHING ELSE.

YOU'RE TOO SHARP.

DOES THAT BOTHER YOU?

IT INTERESTS ME.

IS THAT MORE CODE?

WE'D BE GOOD TOGETHER.

I'M DATING YOUR BEST FRIEND.

HE WON'T MIND.

HOW DO YOU KNOW?

I WON'T TELL HIM.

WHAT IF I MIND?

YOU WANT TO GO OUT FRIDAY?

I'M SEEING SANDY.

SATURDAY?

I HAVE A DATE.

SUNDAY?

I'M SEEING MY FOLKS.

WHERE DO THEY LIVE?

NEWTON.

SUNDAY NIGHT.

I'LL BE TOO TIRED.

I'LL HELP YOU GET OVER YOUR FOLKS.

HOW ABOUT IT, SUSAN?

WHAT ARE YOU SO AFRAID OF?

NOT YOU.

I THINK I'M IN LOVE.

HMM?

I THINK I'M IN LOVE.

BULLSHIT ARTIST.

I REALLY THINK SO.

DID YOU GET IN YET?

WHAT'S THAT GOT TO DO WITH IT?

HOW DO YOU KNOW IF YOU DON'T KNOW

HOW YOU ARE IN BED TOGETHER?

THAT'S NOT EVERYTHING.

IT'S A LOT.

SHE TELLS ME THOUGHTS I DIDN'T KNOW I HAD

UNTIL SHE TELLS THEM TO ME. IT'S UNBELIEVABLE.

I CAN TALK TO HER.

YOU CAN TALK TO ME, TOO. ARE YOU IN LOVE WITH ME?

I SAY THINGS TO HER I WOULDN'T SAY TO YOU.

WHAT, FOR INSTANCE?

THINGS YOU'D LAUGH AT.

HA. I'M LAUGHING NOW.

HA HA HA HA!

SHE THINKS I'M SENSITIVE.

SENSITIVE?

SENSITIVE?

OH, BOY!

HA HA HA HA!

WHAT DO YOU TALK TO HER ABOUT? FLOWERS?

BOOKS.

BOOKS.

YOU PHONY.

I READ MORE BOOKS THAN YOU DO.

WELL, I'M GONNA START.

I'M READING THE FOUNTAINHEAD.

FOUNTAINHEAD? WHAT'S THAT?

IT'S HER FAVORITE BOOK.

EVER HEAR OF JEAN CHRISTOPHE?

WHAT'S THAT?

IT'S A CLASSIC, YOU MORON.

I'LL READ IT AFTER THE FOUNTAINHEAD.

YEAH? YOU EVER READ GUADALCANAL DIARY

BY RICHARD TREGASKIS?

NO.

THAT WAS A BEST SELLER. I READ IT.

EVER READ GENTLEMAN'S AGREEMENT

BY LAURA Z. HOBSON?

DID YOU EVER READ THE BELL FOR ADANO

BY JOHN HERSEY?

I'LL READ EVERYTHING FROM NOW ON.

I READ MORE THAN YOU DO,

SO WHO'S THE ONE WHO'S SENSITIVE, YOU OR ME?

COME ON, WHO'S SENSITIVE?

I'VE HAD A VERY MESSED-UP CHILDHOOD.

WHAT DOES YOUR FATHER DO?

HE FAILS.

IT'S NOT FUNNY.

I'M SORRY.

WERE YOU VERY POOR?

MY FATHER COULDN'T HOLD ONTO A JOB,

KEPT GIVING ME ADVICE.

THE MORE HE FAILED, THE MORE ADVICE I GOT.

HE'S A COMMUNIST, MY FATHER.

WE'RE REPUBLICANS.

SOMETIMES I THINK I'M A COMMUNIST, THOUGH.

ME, TOO.

WE HAVE SO MUCH AND OTHER PEOPLE HAVE,

YOU KNOW, SO LITTLE.

AFTER I GET SET UP AS A LAWYER,

I'D LIKE TO GO INTO POLITICS.

PUBLIC SERVICE.

WHAT REALLY GETS ME IS I WAS TOO YOUNG

TO FIGHT IN THE WAR

BECAUSE WHAT WAS THAT ABOUT

EXCEPT TO PROVE IF EVERYBODY PITCHES IN,

PLAIN PEOPLE HAVE A CHANCE.

SO, EVEN THOUGH I'M THE FIRST IN MY FAMILY

TO GET AN EDUCATION,

I DON'T EVER WANT TO FORGET

WHERE I CAME FROM.

YOU'RE A LOT MORE SERIOUS THAN I THOUGHT.

I KNOW.

WHERE'D YOU MEET HER?

I'M ANOTHER PERSON WITH HER.

YOU WOULDN'T RECOGNIZE ME.

THE THINGS THAT COME OUT OF MY MOUTH.

SHE SOUNDS GREAT. IS SHE BUILT?

SHE'S GOT A QUALITY.

SHE DOESN'T TALK MUCH,

BUT THE THINGS SHE SAYS

ARE SO SHARP.

WE SHOULD DOUBLE DATE SOME TIME.

I WANT TO KNOW HER A LITTLE BETTER

BEFORE WE DOUBLE DATE.

ISN'T IT GREAT? A MONTH AGO,

NEITHER OF US EVEN KNEW A GIRL.

WHAT'S HER NAME?

MYRTLE.

[MOANING]

[HEAVY BREATHING]

BULLSHIT ARTIST!

YOU'RE KIDDING ME?

YOU REALLY DID IT?

YOU BASTARD!

HOW DID YOU DO IT?

NEXT, IT'S MY TURN.

I DON'T THINK SHE'LL DO IT.

SHE WILL. I'VE BEEN TAKING IT EASY ON HER.

BELIEVE ME, FIND SOMEBODY ELSE.

ARE YOU CRAZY, WHEN I'M RIGHT ON THE VERGE?

I'LL SEE HER TOMORROW NIGHT.

UH, SANDY?

YEAH.

DO YOU EVER TALK TO HER ABOUT ME?

YEAH, SURE, SOMETIMES.

DO ME A FAVOR.

WHAT?

DON'T TELL HER I GOT LAID.

PLEASE, SUSAN.

SOMETIMES I WANT TO DO IT,

AND A SECOND LATER I DON'T.

LET'S DO IT.

I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU PUT UP WITH ME.

I DON'T THINK I CAN DO IT.

IT REALLY HURTS, SUSAN.

LET ME--

NOT ANYMORE.

PLEASE, SANDY.

NOT ANYMORE.

SUSAN, LET'S DO IT.

I LOVE YOU.

DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING?

HOW LONG HAVE YOU HAD THAT?

NOT TOO LONG.

NOT A YEAR OR ANYTHING?

I'M SURE IT'S OK.

I DON'T WANT TO TAKE ANY CHANCES.

THESE THINGS HAVE TO BE OK.

IT'S OK.

I'M POSITIVE IT'S OK.

AS IF YOU'RE THE FIRST GUY IN HISTORY TO GET LAID.

I'M THE FIRST GUY IN MY HISTORY TO GET LAID?

I LIKE IT,

BUT YOU DON'T HEAR ME CROWING ABOUT IT.

THERE'S SUCH A THING AS GOOD TASTE.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?

AFTER YOU STARTED SCORING,

WHAT DID I GET OUT OF YOU?

"WE DID IT STANDING, SITTING, IN THE CAR,

UNDER THE CAR." MYRTLE, MYRTLE.

I KNEW SUSAN BEFORE YOU KNEW MYRTLE,

AND WHO SCORED FIRST? YOU.

THAT DIDN'T MAKE ME FEEL VERY GOOD.

IN FACT, I FELT VERY JEALOUS.

BUT DID I TRY TO SHUT YOU UP?

DID I SAY "I'M TIRED OF HEARING ABOUT IT?"

I DIDN'T BECAUSE I'M YOUR FRIEND.

OK. YOU MADE YOUR POINT.

SOMETIMES I THINK I'M A BETTER FRIEND TO YOU

THAN YOU ARE TO ME.

[BIG BAND MUSIC PLAYS]

DIDN'T YOU EVER DO THAT?

I KNEW WHAT THE WORD "MISLED" MEANT.

I JUST DIDN'T KNOW WHAT IT LOOKED LIKE.

SO WHEN I FINALLY SAW IT IN PRINT,

I THOUGHT IT WAS "MYZILD."

I KEPT WONDERING

WHAT THIS WORD MEANS, "MYZILD."

SEXY. LET'S MYZILD.

HAS ANYBODY EVER HEARD

OF ROUND JOHN VIRGIN?

ONE OF THE GUYS IN ROBIN HOOD.

THAT'S LITTLE JOHN.

WHAT DID YOU SAY? ROUND JOHN?

ROUND JOHN VIRGIN.

IS THAT IN FALSTAFF?

ROUND JOHN VIRGIN MOTHER AND CHILD.

YEAH.

ROUND JOHN VIRGIN MOTHER?

♪ HOLY INFANT SO TENDER AND MILD ♪

OH, IT'S GUNSHEE.

GUNSHEE?

G-U-N-S-H-Y. GUNSHEE.

GUN-SHY.

I ALWAYS THOUGHT IT WAS GUNSHEE.

SUSAN, DO THE ONE ABOUT THE BEAR.

YOU'LL LOVE THIS.

THE HYMN WE SANG IN CHURCH

ABOUT THE BEAR WITH CROSSED EYES,

WHOSE NAME WAS "GLADLY."

GLADLY THE BEAR?

DON'T YOU KNOW IT?

GLADLY THE CROSS-EYED BEAR.

OH, GLADLY THE CROSS-EYED BEAR!

OH, GLADLY THE CROSS I BEAR!

ALL RIGHT, PRONOUNCE THIS.

C-H-O-P-H-O-U-S-E.

CHUFOUS.

CHOWFUS.

CHOPHOUSE.

THIS HAS TO STOP.

HOW DO I TELL HIM?

YOU DON'T HAVE TROUBLE TELLING HIM OTHER THINGS.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

THE WAY YOU TALK TO HIM.

YOU DON'T TALK TO ME THAT WAY.

WHAT WAY?

I DON'T KNOW.

HE'S VERY VULNERABLE.

I DON'T WANT TO HURT HIM.

YOU'RE HURTING ME.

HE LOVES ME.

THAT'S NO REASON TO GO TO BED WITH HIM.

YOU WOULD HAVE JUST GONE ON IF HE HADN'T TOLD ME.

I DON'T KNOW.

I WOULD HAVE NEVER KNOWN A THING ABOUT IT.

I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE.

BOY, YOU'RE REALLY SOMETHING.

I DON'T FEEL LIKE SOMETHING.

I FEEL LIKE NOTHING.

HOW MUCH LONGER DO YOU EXPECT ME TO TAKE THIS?

I'M TRYING TO TELL HIM.

I SEE HOW YOU'RE TRYING.

IT'S NOT MY FAULT.

I DON'T ENJOY THESE FIGHTS.

IT'S ME YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE IN LOVE WITH.

I'M GONNA TELL HIM.

WHAT?

I'M TELLING HIM ABOUT US.

NO, JONATHAN!

WHY DON'T YOU GIVE ME THE UNDERSTANDING YOU GIVE HIM?

YOU'RE STRONGER.

YOU TELL HIM EVERYTHING ELSE. YOU CAN TELL HIM ABOUT US.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN TELL HIM EVERYTHING,

WHO SAYS SO?

HE TELLS ME. HE'S MY BEST FRIEND.

ARE YOU GOING TO TELL HIM?

HE'S SO HELPLESS.

SUSAN, I LOVE YOU.

WHY CAN'T YOU BE MORE WITH ME

LIKE YOU ARE WITH SANDY?

SHE SAYS SHE'S NO GOOD FOR ME.

MAYBE SHE'S TRYING TO LET YOU DOWN EASY.

HA HA HA!

GO AHEAD AND LAUGH.

IT ADDS UP.

GO AHEAD AND LAUGH.

DO YOU KNOW EVERY MOOD OF MINE

LIKE YOU KNOW EVERY MOOD OF HIS?

NO.

HOW COME?

I DON'T KNOW.

YOU DON'T TELL ME THOUGHTS I NEVER KNEW I HAD.

HE SAYS I DO THAT?

YES.

THEN I MUST.

YOU DO IT, SO DO IT WITH ME.

I CAN'T.

YOU CAN DO IT WITH HIM,

YOU CAN DO IT WITH ME. TELL ME MY THOUGHTS.

I CAN'T!

WHY CAN'T YOU?

I CAN'T WITH YOU.

THIS HAS GONE FAR ENOUGH.

I CANNOT STAND ANY MORE ULTIMATUMS.

THIS IS MY LAST ONE.

TONIGHT YOU TELL HIM ABOUT US, OR TOMORROW I WILL.

LOOK AT ME, SUSAN. TELL ME MY DAMN THOUGHTS!

HELLO.

YOU DIDN'T DO IT, DID YOU?

NO.

WHY NOT?

HE LOOKS AT ME WITH SUCH TRUST.

HOW DO I LOOK AT YOU?

WITH BITTERNESS.

IT USED TO BE TRUST.

AT LEAST YOU KNOW MY THOUGHTS.

DID YOU TELL HIM?

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

NO.

SO WHAT DO WE DO NOW?

I DON'T KNOW.

I GUESS I GET AN ULTIMATUM.

DO YOU THINK THERE'S ANY SENSE IN THIS?

IN WHAT?

IN YOU AND ME.

THAT'S UP TO YOU.

NO, IT'S UP TO YOU.

I DON'T SEE ANY POINT IN IT.

I WISH I WERE WRONG.

I DON'T FEEL ANYTHING ANYMORE.

NEITHER DO I.

THE REASON I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING TO SANDY...

I KNEW HE WOULDN'T BELIEVE ME.

I'D GO INTO DETAILS

SO HE'D HAVE TO BELIEVE ME.

I KNEW HE'D RUN TO YOU

AND YOU'D TELL HIM EVERYTHING I SAID WAS TRUE,

AND THEN YOU'D GO TO BED WITH HIM.

YEAH. THAT SOUNDS LIKE WHAT WOULD HAPPEN.

SO?

SO?

JONATHAN...

I'LL ALWAYS BE YOUR FRIEND.

JESUS, SUSAN, I HOPE NOT.

IT'S GOING TO BE BUGGY.

IT'S NOT GOING TO BE BUGGY.

IT'S THE TROPICS.

IT'S THE JUNGLE.

YOU CAN'T COVER YOURSELF FROM HEAD TO TOE.

I'LL GET EATEN ALIVE.

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE.

YOU'VE NEVER CAMPED OUT BEFORE.

ISN'T HE BEING SILLY, JONATHAN?

I AM NOT.

YOU ARE, TOO.

YOU'RE A REAL CITY BOY.

HOW 'BOUT THE COT?

WE'VE GOT A SLEEPING BAG.

ARE YOU SERIOUS ABOUT SLEEPING ON THE GROUND?

YOU ARE A BABY.

THIS KNAPSACK'S HEAVY.

I TOLD YOU YOU OVERPACKED.

WHAT DO YOU PLAN TO DO WITH THE PILLOWCASE?

PUT IT BACK.

ISN'T HE A NUT, JONATHAN?

YOU PACK YOUR THINGS.

LET ME PACK MINE.

I'M JUST TRYING TO HELP.

WELL, HELP YOUR OWN STUFF.

YOU HAVE PACKING TO DO.

WE DON'T EVEN HAVE ROOM.

TIME IS WHAT WE DON'T HAVE.

JESUS.

DO YOU WANT HER?

I WOULDN'T KICK HER OUT OF BED.

LOOK AT THE PAIR ON HER,

LOOK AT THE SCHMUCK WITH HER.

THEY'RE ALWAYS WITH GUYS LIKE THAT.

HE'S 60, IF HE'S A DAY.

MAYBE HE'LL HAVE A HEART ATTACK.

YOU COULD SAVE HIS LIFE,

GET HER NUMBER, AND FUCK HER.

YOU BASTARD.

YOU BASTARD.

HOW'S SUSAN?

COULDN'T BE BETTER.

I ALWAYS SAID IT.

I SAY IT NOW.

YOU FOUND YOURSELF A JEWEL.

SHE IS A JEWEL.

NOT BAD, THAT ONE.

LISTEN. YOU MUST BE GETTING MORE THAN YOUR SHARE.

I'D GET MARRIED IN A MINUTE

IF I COULD FIND THE RIGHT GIRL.

BULLSHIT ARTIST.

YOU AND YOUR ACTRESS FRIENDS.

ARE YOU KIDDING, DOCTOR?

YOU'RE THE ONE THAT'S GOT THE DEAL.

WHAT CAN I SAY?

"TAKE YOUR CLOTHES OFF, BABY.

LET ME CHECK YOUR CAPITAL GAINS."

I JUST LOOK.

SURE, YOU DO.

I REALLY DO.

SUSAN'S PLENTY ENOUGH WOMAN FOR ONE MAN.

HEY, LOOK AT THAT.

THAT'S SALLY JOYCE.

DIDN'T I SEE HER ON ED SULLIVAN?

I FUCKED HER ONCE.

BULLSHIT ARTIST.

WE USED TO DO HER TAXES.

SHE'S WITH ANOTHER FIRM NOW.

WHY DON'T YOU SAY HELLO?

SHE WOULDN'T REMEMBER ME.

SHE'S A REAL BALL-BUSTER, THAT ONE.

I'VE BEEN THROUGH THE MILL WITH HER KIND.

YEAH?

THINK A GIRL GOES FOR YOU,

AND SHE'S AFTER YOUR MONEY OR BALLS

OR YOUR MONEY AND YOUR BALLS.

WOMEN TODAY ARE BETTER HUNG THAN THE MEN.

I SHOULD HAVE YOUR PROBLEMS.

IT'S NOT AS EASY GETTING LAID ANYMORE.

I DON'T THINK I FUCK MORE THAN A DOZEN GIRLS A YEAR NOW.

MAYBE I'M TOO MUCH OF A PERFECTIONIST.

THIS LAST ONE CAME SO CLOSE

TO BEING WHAT I WANTED.

GOOD PAIR OF TITS.

NOT A GREAT PAIR.

ALMOST NO ASS AT ALL

AND THAT BOTHERED ME.

SENSATIONAL LEGS.

I WOULD'VE SETTLED FOR THEM

IF SHE HAD JUST TWO MORE INCHES HERE,

THREE MORE HERE.

THAT TOOK TWO YEARS OF MY LIFE.

YOU DON'T WANT A FAMILY?

I'M NOT PUTTING IT DOWN,

BUT WHO NEEDS IT?

YOU CAN'T MAKE FUCKING YOUR LIFE'S WORK.

DON'T TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CAN'T DO.

YOU'RE SO WELL OFF?

SUSAN'S A VERY GOOD HOMEMAKER.

VERY EFFICIENT.

I COME HOME, EVERYTHING'S IN ITS PLACE,

WHICH I LIKE

BECAUSE IT'S TIRING-- FULL DAY AT THE OFFICE

THEN DOCTOR'S HOSPITAL FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS.

IT'S NICE HAVING EVERYTHING IN ITS PLACE

WHEN I GET HOME--

A MARTINI, DINNER, THE KIDS.

WE DON'T WATCH MUCH TELEVISION.

WE LIKE READING ALOUD TO EACH OTHER.

WE USED TO HAVE MORE FRIENDS,

BUT WE DON'T HAVE THAT MANY ANYMORE.

SO ON WEEKENDS,

WE MIGHT ENTERTAIN A LITTLE

OR GO TO SEE A FRIEND,

COME INTO TOWN,

SEE A PLAY OR A GOOD FILM.

IT'S NOT GLAMOROUS OR ANYTHING.

THERE ARE OTHER THINGS BESIDES GLAMOUR.

YOU HAVE A LONG LIFE LINE.

I LIKE THAT.

THE WAY YOU RUN YOUR NAIL ACROSS MY--

YOU'RE DIFFICULT TO GET ALONG WITH.

ME?

UH-HUH.

BOBBIE.

YOU ALWAYS KNOW YOUR OWN MIND.

RIGHT THIS MINUTE, ANYWAY.

YOU WON'T STOP GOING AFTER WHAT YOU WANT

UNTIL YOU GET IT.

LET ME SEE YOUR HAND.

AH.

HMM.

WELL?

YOU ARE BUILT.

SEE THAT IN MY HAND?

EVEN YOUR HAND IS BUILT.

I THINK YOU'RE A DIRTY OLD MAN.

I'M A DIRTY YOUNG MAN.

HOW OLD ARE YOU?

HOW OLD DO YOU THINK?

19.

NO.

20.

NO.

21?

NO.

22.

NO.

24.

YOU SKIPPED 23.

23.

NO.

24?

NO.

25?

26?

NO.

27?

YOU'RE GETTING WARM.

28.

NO.

29.

I LIKE GOING OUT WITH OLDER WOMEN.

ARE YOU MARRIED?

ARE YOU KIDDING?

YOU DON'T WANT TO GET MARRIED?

I'D MARRY YOU IN A MINUTE.

CAN YOU COOK?

SPAGHETTI.

I CAN COOK SPAGHETTI.

GOOD. YOU DO THE COOKING.

WHAT WILL YOU DO?

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO DO?

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO DO?

I ASKED YOU FIRST.

WELL, I'M NOT GOING TO ANSWER YOU FIRST.

WELL, I CAN SEW.

DOESN'T SOUND LIKE MUCH OF A MARRIAGE--

ME COOKING SPAGHETTI AND YOU SEWING.

YOU WANT A DIVORCE?

I'LL TAKE YOU FOR EVERY CENT YOU'VE GOT.

I DIDN'T KNOW I MARRIED A GOLD DIGGER.

YOU WON'T TAKE PITY ON ME?

ONLY IF YOU SAY YOU'RE SORRY.

I'M SORRY.

AND YOU'LL NEVER DO IT AGAIN.

I'LL NEVER DO IT AGAIN.

AND YOU'LL ALWAYS BE A GOOD BOY.

YES, MAMA.

DO YOU LIKE TO BE MOTHERED?

I LIKE TO BE SMOTHERED BY YOU.

WHAT ELSE WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO DO TO YOU?

WELL...

HOW DO YOU LIKE IT?

HOW DO I LIKE WHAT?

MY, UH...YOU KNOW.

WHAT DO I KNOW?

YOU KNOW EVERYTHING.

I KNOW YOU.

AND I KNOW YOU.

♪ DREAM, WHEN YOU'RE FEELING BLUE... ♪

[GRUNTING AND MOANING]

[GASPING AND MOANING]

WOW... I ALMOST CAME THAT TIME.

[LAUGHS]

[HUMMING]

OH, NURSE.

WHAT IS IT, MR. WEISENBORN?

WILL YOU COME IN HERE A MINUTE, PLEASE?

CERTAINLY, MR. WEISENBORN.

WHY, MR. WEISENBORN!

MOST GUYS I KNOW ARE PRICKS.

[LAUGHS]

I DON'T KNOW ANYMORE WHAT THEY WANT.

I'LL BE HAPPY TO TELL YOU.

THEY WANT THE BOODLE.

BUT THEY AIN'T GOING TO GET THE BOODLE.

GOD DAMN RIGHT.

BECAUSE THIS KID HERE'S GOT THE BOODLE.

YOU'RE PRETTY SURE OF YOURSELF, AREN'T YOU?

YOU'RE A NICE MAN.

AND YOU'RE A VERY LUCKY GIRL.

[SHOWER RUNS]

[HUMMING]

[SHOWER STOPS]

YOU KNOW SOMETHING, SAM?

[IMITATING BOGART] WHAT IS IT, SWEETHEART?

WOULD IT BE A FATAL MISTAKE IF WE SHACKED UP?

IT'S VERY DIFFICULT, BOBBIE.

THESE LAST COUPLE OF WEEKS...

WE GET ALONG SO WELL TOGETHER.

THE IDEA...

I LIKE YOU VERY MUCH.

SO MUCH.

THIS IDEA...

TO BE PERFECTLY HONEST...

I MEAN...

IT SOUNDS VERY GOOD TO ME.

LET'S BOTH GIVE IT A COUPLE OF DAYS

TO THINK ABOUT IT.

IT SOUNDS LIKE...

WELL...

VERY GOOD.

VERY, VERY, UH...

WELL...

GOOD.

ONLY OUR EYES SHOULD BE OPEN.

WE SHOULD GO INTO THIS... WE SHOULD...

KNOW EXACTLY WHAT WE'RE GETTING INTO.

THIS IS JUST A SHACK UP.

I'M NOT ASKING FOR MARRIAGE.

YEAH, WELL, AS LONG AS WE BOTH UNDERSTAND THAT.

WE DO.

IT'S BETTER TO GET IT ALL OUT ON THE TABLE

SO LATER, THERE CAN BE NO POSSIBILITY

OF A MISUNDERSTANDING.

SO MANY BUSINESS DEALS HAVE COME TO GRIEF--

OK.

OK.

YOU'RE A REAL PRICK, YOU KNOW THAT?

PRICK?

I COULD VERY EASILY GET SERIOUS ABOUT THIS GIRL.

SHE'S FUN TO BE WITH.

JUST BETWEEN THE TWO OF US,

THE LAST YEAR OR SO,

I'VE BEEN HAVING...

I DON'T KNOW...

A LITTLE TROUBLE.

I WASN'T WORRIED, BUT...

STILL AND ALL...

A LITTLE TROUBLE WITH...

WELL...

MYSELF.

YOU KNOW...

GETTING HARD.

AND YOU KNOW GIRLS TODAY,

THEY JUDGE YOU.

THEY JUDGE YOU VERY QUICKLY.

SO, UH...

I HAD IT REAL ROUGH A FEW TIMES.

SOME VERY NASTY INNUENDOES.

AND, AS I SAY,

I WASN'T TOO WORRIED, BUT...

I WON'T LIE TO YOU.

I WAS A LITTLE WORRIED.

AND ALONG COMES THIS BOBBIE.

ONE LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THE PAIR ON HER,

AND I NEVER DOUBTED

I'D EVER BE ANYTHING BUT OK AGAIN.

AND I WAS. I WAS.

ALL OUR KIDDING BACK AND FORTH OUR FIRST NIGHT TOGETHER,

I DON'T MIND TELLING YOU, I HAD TEARS IN MY EYES.

SHE'S REALLY THE GIRL IN THE AIRLINE COMMERCIAL?

YOU LUCKY SON OF A BITCH.

I DON'T KNOW.

I DON'T WANT TO GET IN OVER MY HEAD.

I GOT IN OVER MY HEAD, THREE, FOUR TIMES ALREADY,

AND YOU HAVE TO BE A REAL BASTARD.

I DON'T LIKE BEING PUT IN THAT POSITION.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

IF SHE LOOKS LIKE SHE DOES ON TELEVISION...

SIZE 38 WITH A "D" CUP.

BUT LOOKS AREN'T EVERYTHING.

BELIEVE ME, LOOKS ARE EVERYTHING.

MAYBE.

I'M HUNGRY.

I'LL GET UP.

WHY DO WE HAVE TO EAT SO LATE?

'CAUSE I WORK LATE, DUMBO.

WHY DO YOU WORK AT ALL?

BRINGS IN EXTRA MONEY.

I MAKE ENOUGH.

WANT ME TO QUIT WORKING?

THOUGHT YOU WERE BORED WITH IT?

I AM.

SO QUIT.

WHAT'LL I DO?

WHAT DO OTHER WOMEN DO?

THEY HAVE CHILDREN.

WELL, YOU ASKED ME.

[SHOWER RUNS]

♪ TA-DA-DUM-DUM... ♪

♪ JUST MAKES ME LOVE YOU MORE ♪

♪ YOU MAY NOT BE AN ANGEL ♪

♪ BUT STILL I'M SURE YOU'LL DO ♪

♪ SO UNTIL THE DAY THAT ONE COMES ALONG ♪

♪ I'LL STRING ALONG WITH YOU ♪

HEY, WAS THAT YOU?

YEAH, THAT WAS ME.

NO KIDDIN'?

WHAT ABOUT MY BEER?

WE'RE ALL OUT.

I REALLY WANTED A BEER.

WANT ME TO RUN DOWN TO THE CORNER?

YOU'RE TOO TIRED.

I'M TIRED, BUT I DON'T MIND.

I'LL GET IT.

NO, I'LL GET IT.

IT'S MY FAULT.

I SHOULD'VE REMINDED YOU

WHEN I CALLED THIS AFTERNOON.

I'M SORRY.

YOU'RE MORE TIRED NOW

THAN WHEN YOU WERE WORKING.

I'M IN THE HOUSE ALL DAY.

DIDN'T YOU GET UP AT ALL TODAY?

WHAT DO YOU DO?

I MEAN WHEN YOU'RE NOT TELEPHONING.

I'M NOT ON THE PHONE THAT MUCH.

IT TOOK ME 45 MINUTES

TO GET THROUGH THIS AFTERNOON.

I'LL GET THE BEER.

NO, I'LL GO.

I THOUGHT YOU'RE TOO TIRED.

I HAVEN'T BEEN OUT TODAY.

FRESH AIR WILL DO YOU GOOD.

WILL YOU WALK WITH ME?

THEN I MAY AS WELL GO MYSELF.

YOU WANT TO MAKE LOVE?

WE HAVEN'T IN A WEEK.

IS IT A WEEK?

IT'S FUNNY.

SUSAN AND I DO ALL THE RIGHT THINGS.

WE UNDRESS IN FRONT OF EACH OTHER,

WE SPEND 15 MINUTES ON FOREPLAY,

WE DO IT IN DIFFERENT ROOMS.

IT'S A SEVEN-ROOM HOUSE.

WE DON'T BELIEVE IN MAKING A RITUAL OF IT.

WE DO IT WHEN WE FEEL LIKE IT.

WE DON'T FEEL WE HAVE TO BE PASSIONATE

ALL THE TIME.

SOMETIMES IT'S EVEN MORE FUN NECKING.

WE'RE CONSIDERATE OF EACH OTHER'S FEELINGS.

I HAD A TENDENCY-- MEN, I GUESS, HAVE--

TO BE SELFISH.

BUT I STOPPED.

I DON'T DO THAT NOW.

WE TRY TO BE PATIENT,

AND WE ARE PATIENT,

GENTLE WITH EACH OTHER.

MAYBE IT'S JUST NOT MEANT TO BE ENJOYABLE

WITH WOMEN YOU LOVE.

SANDY.

DO YOU WANT TO GET LAID?

PLEASE.

VERY NICE.

NICE INDEED.

INDEED. WATCH OUT, MAN.

ALMOST HAD IT.

SURE, YOU DID.

RIGHT, CINDY?

SEE THAT, CINDY?

HE WAS LUCKY.

THAT'S ALL.

BASTARD.

THAT WAS OUT.

BULLSHIT, IT WAS.

LET CINDY BE THE JUDGE.

WE'LL DO IT OVER, ALL RIGHT?

RIGHT. FAIR'S FAIR.

DEUCE!

YOU SEE THAT SHOT, CINDY?

NOW WE GOT SOME TENNIS.

HIT!

GAME!

LUCK.

LUCK, MY ASS!

WANT TO TAKE ME ON, CINDY?

IT'S MY TURN.

COME ON, BOBBIE.

YOU'RE SO AWFUL.

YOU SERVE.

VERY NICE.

YOU PLAY WELL.

LOOK AT THIS GIRL!

TERRIFIC, CINDY.

HEY!

SHE'S BACKING ME UP.

I'M NOT KIDDING.

SHE'S BACKING ME UP.

BEAUTIFUL!

BOY, WILL YOU LOOK AT THIS?

40-LOVE.

AND I'M NOT TAKING IT EASY ON HER, EITHER.

YOU AND LORD AND TAYLORS

WILL HAVE TO WORK OUT A TRIAL SEPARATION.

I HAD THE WATER RUNNING. WHAT DID YOU SAY?

YOU AND LORD AND TAYLORS

WILL HAVE TO WORK OUT A TRIAL SEPARATION.

LOOK AT THE DATE.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

FIVE MONTHS AGO.

I'M SORRY I COST YOU SO MUCH MONEY.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

[RING]

[RING]

[RING]

[RING]

I WANT TO GET MARRIED.

ARE YOU TIRED OF ME?

AM I EVER?

THE ANSWER'S YES.

I DIDN'T SAY YES.

YOU SAID AM I EVER.

I NEED MORE IN LIFE THAN THIS.

WHO PUT YOU UP TO THIS, YOUR PSYCHIATRIST?

AFTER AN EXHAUSTIVE BED-HUNT,

YOU'VE CHOSEN ME.

CINDY'S NOT A VIRGIN EITHER.

WHAT?

OH, I GET IT.

THAT'S WHAT BROUGHT THIS ON?

YOUR MIND IS UNBELIEVABLE,

YOU MUST HAVE A LOW OPINION OF ME,

THINKING I WOULD DO THAT TO SANDY.

NO, YOU WOULDN'T WANT TO CHEAT ON SANDY.

NOW IT'S SANDY.

HE SPENDS HALF HIS LIFE HERE.

A SECOND AGO, YOU HAD ME SCREWING CINDY.

WHO AM I SCREWING NOW, SANDY?

YOU'RE GOING TOO FAST FOR ME.

I'M GOING TOO FAST FOR YOU?

YOUR MIND OPERATES LIKE AN IBM.

LIKE A PINBALL MACHINE.

FIRST, CINDY. HOW ABOUT SANDY?

HOW ABOUT CINDY AND SANDY?

TALK ABOUT THE POT CALLING THE KETTLE.

THE DAY I GOT EARFUL OF YOUR CHECKERED PAST,

I FELT LIKE A CELIBATE.

YOU MADE ME TELL YOU.

SURE. I TWISTED YOUR ARM.

IT GOT YOU HOT.

SOMETHING HAS TO.

[DOOR SLAMS]

YOU HAVE SUCH CONTEMPT FOR ME.

YOU WORKED HARD FOR IT. IT'S YOURS.

THE WAY YOU PAW ME AT PARTIES.

NOW AFFECTION IS CONTEMPT.

UPSIDE-DOWN.

EVERYTHING UPSIDE-DOWN.

FEELING ME UP IN PUBLIC IS NOT AFFECTION.

WILL YOU COME ON?

I KNOW I SLEEP ALL DAY.

I'M DOING A TERRIBLE JOB, BUT YOU'RE NOT HELPING.

WHO HELPS ME?

I HELP YOU.

YOUR KIND OF HELP I CAN DO WITHOUT.

CAN YOU? CAN YOU REALLY?

AAH.

YOU'LL DO ANYTHING TO RUIN MY DAY, RIGHT?

I GOT UP TODAY FEELING SO GOOD.

YOU COULDN'T LEAVE US ALONE.

WE WERE DOING SO WELL.

WHAT?

AT ONE TIME, IT WAS GREAT

WHAT WE HAD, THE KIDDING AROUND.

IT CAN'T HAVE A NATURAL TIME SPAN.

AFFAIRS CAN'T DISSOLVE IN A GOOD WAY.

THERE'S GOT TO BE POISON.

I DON'T SEE WHY. I REALLY DON'T.

DO YOU WANT IT OVER BETWEEN US?

WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE ONE WAY OR THE OTHER?

YOU DON'T WANT ME TO LEAVE?

I WANT YOU RIGHT HERE WHERE YOU BELONG.

WHAT ABOUT YOU?

WHEN I'M NOT HERE, I'M THERE.

WHERE?

WHEREVER!

NO. I'M A BALL BUSTER AND CASTRATER.

I WANT TO GET MARRIED.

WHERE THE FUCK IS MY SHOE HORN?

THIS PLACE IS A MESS!

THERE'S NOT ANY FOOD IN THE HOUSE.

HALF THE TIME YOU LOOK LIKE YOU FELL OUTTA BED.

YOU SPEND MORE TIME IN BED THAN ANY OTHER HUMAN BEING

PAST THE AGE OF SIX MONTHS THAN I EVER HEARD OF.

THE REASON I SLEEP ALL DAY IS BECAUSE I CAN'T STAND MY LIFE.

WHAT LIFE?

SLEEPING ALL DAY!

THAT SORT OF THING,

I FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU ALL OVER AGAIN.

MARRY ME, JONATHAN. PLEASE MARRY ME.

YOU'RE TRYING TO KILL ME.

MARRIAGE ISN'T DEATH.

WHY NOW?

BECAUSE 2 YEARS AGO, I SLEPT 8 HOURS.

LAST YEAR, 12. IT'S 15 NOW.

SOON IT'LL BE 24.

ARE YOU TRYING TO SCARE ME?

I NEED A LIFE.

GET A JOB!

I DON'T WANT A JOB. I WANT YOU.

I'M TAKEN BY ME!

GET OUT OF THE HOUSE!

DO SOMETHING USEFUL!

YOU WOULDN'T LET ME WORK WHEN I WANTED TO.

THAT WAS A YEAR AGO.

YOU THROW A TANTRUM EVERY TIME YOU CALL AND I'M NOT HOME.

I'M OUT THERE IN THE JUNGLE

FOR EIGHT HOURS A DAY.

YOU WOULDN'T EVEN LET ME CANVASS FOR KENNEDY.

YOU WANT A JOB?

I GOT A JOB FOR YOU. FIX UP THIS PIGSTY!

YOU GET GOOD MONEY FOR TESTING THIS BED.

YOU WANT AN EXTRA $50? TRY VACUUMING!

AN EXTRA $100? MAKE THIS BED!

TRY OPENING SOME DAMN WINDOWS!

THAT'S WHY YOU CAN'T STAND UP!

THE PLACE SMELLS LIKE A COFFIN!

OH, BOBBIE.

YOU DON'T NEED ME.

WHY DO YOU LET YOURSELF IN FOR THIS ABUSE?

WALK OUT.

LEAVE ME, PLEASE.

I'D ALMOST MARRY YOU, IF YOU'D LEAVE ME.

YOU CALL THAT ABUSE?

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M USED TO.

WITH ALL YOUR CARRYING ON, TO ME YOU'RE A GIFT.

SO WHAT'S IT GOING TO BE?

YOU SURE KNOW HOW TO SCREW THINGS UP.

WHERE DOES THAT LEAVE US?

YOU GIVING ME AN ULTIMATUM?

IS THIS AN ULTIMATUM?

ANSWER ME,

YOU BALL-BUSTING, CASTRATING BITCH!

IS THIS AN ULTIMATUM OR NOT?

BECAUSE IF IT IS, I'M GONNA TELL YOU

WHAT YOU CAN DO WITH YOUR ULTIMATUM!

I'M GONNA TELL YOU WHAT YOU CAN DO WITH IT!

YOU CAN MAKE THIS GODDAMN BED!

THAT'S WHAT YOU CAN DO WITH IT.

TRY CLEANING THESE FILTHY SHEETS!

[DOORBELL RINGS]

SHE'S NOT READY.

WE'RE A LITTLE EARLY.

YOU'RE LOOKING GOOD, CINDY.

I DO MY BEST.

WILL BOBBIE BE LONG?

NO.

HEY, UH...

DO WE HAVE TO GO TO THIS PARTY?

HOW ABOUT IT, CINDY?

WHERE'S THE POWDER ROOM?

RIGHT THERE.

I'M GOING. YOU DO WHAT YOU WANT.

MAN.

SHE'S REALLY SOMETHING.

I'M SO BORED, I'M GOING OUT OF MY MIND.

BORED? WITH THAT?

YOU MUST BE KIDDING.

YOU HAVE TO GO TO THIS PARTY?

STICK AROUND.

NO. IT'S BETTER THAT I GO.

HEY, I JUST DID MY HAIR.

I'VE GOT THIS AT HOME.

HOW'S YOUR TENNIS GAME, JONATHAN?

WE'LL HAVE TO HAVE A REMATCH.

ANY TIME.

[MUSIC PLAYS]

IS SHE ALWAYS THAT WAY?

YOU KNOW WOMEN.

BOY, IS SHE COMPETITIVE.

SHE IS VERY COMPETITIVE,

BUT I FIND THAT ATTRACTIVE.

YOU KNOW HER PROBLEM?

SHE WANTS BALLS.

SHE'S ALL RIGHT.

I'M NOT CRITICIZING.

I WISH SHE WERE MORE FEMININE.

SHE IS A LITTLE MASCULINE.

I JUST WISH SHE WOULDN'T ALWAYS DEMAND HER OWN WAY.

SHE'S GOT A GREAT BODY ON HER.

I HAVE TO TREAT HER LIKE A CHILD,

GIVE HER EVERYTHING SHE WANTS.

I WOULDN'T MIND GIVING HER SOMETHING.

YOU GOT BOBBIE.

I SHOULD ONLY HAVE IT THAT GOOD.

I DON'T KNOW...

BOBBIE? ARE YOU KIDDING?

I'VE NEVER SEEN A BODY LIKE THAT.

SHE CAN DO WITH MORE OF WHAT CINDY'S GOT.

SHE'S SO GODDAMN PASSIVE.

YEAH? I WOULDN'T MIND CINDY JUST LYING STILL ONCE.

SHE'S SO BUSY GIVING INSTRUCTIONS,

IT'S LIKE A CLOSE ORDER DRILL.

YEAH?

I WOULDN'T MIND THAT,

AS LONG AS SHE DOESN'T FORGET WHO'S BOSS.

HEY, UH...

YOU WOULDN'T WANT TO SWAP SOMETIME,

WOULD YOU?

YOU SERIOUS?

WHAT DO YOU SAY?

IT MIGHT LIVEN THINGS UP A BIT.

SHE CAN MISS ONE PARTY.

LEAVE HER TO ME.

WHAT ABOUT BOBBIE?

SHE'S SO MAD AT ME,

SHE'LL JUMP ALL OVER YOU FOR REVENGE.

YOU LIKE THAT, HUH?

SERIOUSLY.

SHE'S IN THE BEDROOM.

IF YOU'RE QUIET,

YOU CAN DO IT, AND SHE WON'T EVEN KNOW.

YOU BASTARD.

GIVE ME A MINUTE.

[NEW TUNE]

TELL SANDY IT'S TIME TO LEAVE.

I HOPE YOU DANCE BETTER THAN YOU PLAY TENNIS.

SANDY WON'T MIND.

WHAT'S SANDY GOT TO DO WITH IT?

YOU'RE HIS GIRL.

HE SAID IT WOULD BE OK.

[MUSIC STOPS]

WHAT DID SANDY SAY?

THAT YOU AND ME, UH...

YOU KNOW.

THAT WAS HIS IDEA.

YOU HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT?

A LITTLE.

A LITTLE OR A LOT?

THIS MUCH.

I'M SURPRISED IT TOOK YOU THIS LONG

TO GET AROUND TO IT.

SANDY AND I HAVE A PARTY TO GO TO..

SANDY'S BUSY.

YOU WANT TO COME AROUND SOMETIME BY YOURSELF,

THAT'S ONE THING.

I'VE BEEN EXPECTING THAT.

BUT YOU TELL SANDY,

IF HE LAYS ONE HAND ON THAT TUB OF LARD,

NOT TO COME HOME.

SO YOU CALL ME.

JESUS.

SHE'S SEMICOMATOSE.

BETTER SEND A RESUSCITATION UNIT AND AN AIRWAY.

BE READY TO GIVE HER AN I.V. ON ADMISSION.

WHO'S ON, PORTISS?

TELL HIM WE'LL PUT HER IN INTENSIVE CARE.

BASTARD.

VERY SLICK!

VERY CLEVER!

WELL, IT'S NOT GOING TO WORK, BOBBIE!

THAT'S BONNIE,

MY FIRST LOVE.

SHE LIVED UPSTAIRS FROM US.

WE STARTED EXPOSING OURSELVES TO EACH OTHER AT 10.

WE GOT CAUGHT ONE DAY BY MY MOTHER,

WHO WASHED MY MOUTH OUT WITH SOAP.

I NEVER GOT THE CONNECTION.

HERE'S EMILY.

MY FIRST STEADY, UNTIL SHE MOVED OFF THE BLOCK.

I NEVER LAID A HAND ON HER.

MILDRED, I THINK THIS ONE'S NAME WAS.

SHE FOLLOWED ME AROUND SCHOOL.

THE FELLOWS KIDDED ME ABOUT HER.

I WARNED HER IF SHE DIDN'T STOP, I'D BEAT HER UP.

SHE DROPPED HER DRAWERS AND SHOVED HER ASS AT ME.

SO I GOT MY FIRST SIGHT OF ASS AT 12.

MARCIA. 13 1/2 OR THEREABOUTS.

I KISSED HER ONE NIGHT

AT A SPIN-THE-BOTTLE PARTY.

THIS ONE'S ROSALIE.

ROSALIE LOOKED JUST LIKE ELIZABETH TAYLOR

IN NATIONAL VELVET.

I HAD A CRUSH ON ROSALIE FROM 14 TO 15,

AND I NEVER WENT NEAR HER.

IN THOSE DAYS, WE HAD ILLUSIONS.

HERE'S CHARLOTTE.

NOT MUCH ON LOOKS, BUT GREAT TITS FOR 15.

THAT'S LENNY HARTMAN'S SISTER.

MY FIRST FRENCH KISS. 16 YEARS OLD.

HERE'S GLORIA,

THE BEST BUILT GIRL IN EVANDER-CHILDS.

I TOOK HER TO THE BRONX ZOO, AND ON THE BUS I COPPED A FEEL.

HERE'S GWEN. I WENT WITH HER FOR A YEAR

TRYING TO GET HER TO PUT OUT,

BUT SHE WAS SAVING ME FOR MARRIAGE.

EVERY GUY IN EVANDER MUST'VE GOT INTO HER PANTS EXCEPT ME.

HERE'S--NO, THAT WAS A MISTAKE.

HERE'S EILEEN, MY VERY FIRST FUCK.

SHE WAS A MODERN DANCER AT SWARTHMORE.

GREAT BODY ON HER, BUT A WASTE. FRIGID.

HERE'S NANCY. SWEET KID.

SHE WENT INTO BIOLOGY. VERY FRIGID.

HERE'S BOBBIE, MY WIFE.

THE FASTEST TITS IN THE WEST

AND KING OF THE BALL BUSTERS.

SHE CONNED ME INTO MARRYING HER,

AND NOW SHE'S KILLING ME WITH ALIMONY.

I DON'T KNOW HOW THIS GOT IN HERE.

THIS IS MY LITTLE GIRL, WENDY.

PRINCESS, I CALL HER.

ISN'T SHE A DREAMBOAT?

HERE'S A REAL CUNT.

I FORGET HER NAME.

A NAZI.

I BANGED HER IN BERLIN.

HERE'S SOMETHING I WENT WITH FOR SEVERAL MONTHS.

FIRST TIME I BANGED HER WAS ON A YACHT RACE.

THIS SLOB I WENT WITH FOR A YEAR.

I GOT SO SICK OF HER BALL-BUSTING,

I COULDN'T GET IT UP ANYMORE.

I CAN'T REMEMBER HER NAME.

THIS WAS MY JAP IN THE SACK.

I HEARD THAT ORIENTAL GIRLS WERE DIFFERENT.

NOT IN AMERICA THEY'RE NOT.

HERE'S A 16-YEAR-OLD I GAVE 20 BUCKS TO

ONE NIGHT WHEN I WAS DRUNK.

MAYBE YOU KNOW HER--JENNIFER.

SHE GAVE ME A DOSE.

TH-TH-TH-TH-THAT'S ALL, FOLKS.

WHAT ARE YOU CRYING FOR?

IT'S NOT A LASSIE MOVIE.

SORRY ABOUT THAT.

SOMETHING.

SO, WHAT ELSE IS NEW?

TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH,

I DON'T SEE ANYBODY ANYMORE.

NEITHER DO WE.

WELL, YOU'VE GOT EACH OTHER.

I THOUGHT SHE WAS YOUR DAUGHTER

WHEN YOU FIRST CAME IN.

IN A LOT OF WAYS, SHE'S OLDER THAN ME.

SHE KNOWS WORLDS I CAN'T BEGIN TO TOUCH YET.

SANDY, PLEASE.

I FOUND OUT WHO I AM.

YOU'RE IN BIG TROUBLE.

SAME OLD JONATHAN.

INDUBITABLY.

LET ME TALK TO HER ABOUT YOU.

TALK TO HER ABOUT ME? I'M 40, SHE'S 9.

YOU JUST DON'T GET IT, DO YOU?

I'VE BEEN GETTING IT FOR A LONG TIME.

WHAT'S THE POINT?

YOU FOUND A GOOD PIECE OF ASS.

GOD BLESS YOU. YOU'RE MY FRIEND.

I'M HAPPY FOR YOU AS LONG AS IT LASTS.

YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY.

I MEAN IT. WHY FIGHT? OK?

ALL THOSE GAMES.

JESUS CHRIST.

YOU DON'T NEED GAMES.

I KNOW. I PLAYED MORE GAMES THAN ANYONE.

THE OBEDIENT SON GAME.

THE BRIGHT STUDENT GAME.

THE COCKSMAN'S GAME.

THE RESPECTABLE HUSBAND GAME.

THE GOOD FATHER GAME. THE SPECIALIST GAME.

GAMES DON'T IMPRESS JENNIFER.

JUST LIFE, JUST LOVE.

I DON'T WANT TO ARGUE WITH YOU.

SO LET'S AGREE TO DISAGREE. OK?

DON'T MAKE ME MAD. OK?

JENNIFER KNOWS MORE AT 18

THAN SUSAN KNOWS TO THIS DAY.

YOU FOUND YOURSELF A JEWEL, OK?

SHE'S MY LOVE TEACHER.

YOU FINALLY GOT IT UP, HUH?

YOU GIVE OFF SUCH BAD VIBRATIONS.

SANDY, I LOVE YOU, BUT YOU'RE A SCHMUCK.

YOU WERE ALWAYS YOUNG, OPEN.

YOU WERE SCHMUCKY A LOT OF THE TIME.

MAYBE SCHMUCKINESS

IS WHAT YOU NEED TO STAY YOUNG, OPEN.

LISTEN... DON'T LISTEN TO ME.

YOU'RE DOING GREAT, AND I'M MAKING MONEY.

YOU CAN FIND WHAT I FOUND.

DON'T MAKE ME INSULT YOU.

WOMEN.

ALL BALL-BUSTERS, RIGHT?

YOU KNOW IT.

WHEN YOU CONSIDER WHAT HE DIPS INTO,

ANY GUY HAS A RIGHT TO TURN SOFT.

AM I RIGHT, LOUISE?

YOU'RE ALWAYS RIGHT, LOVER.

I DON'T THINK WE'LL HAVE ANY TROUBLE TONIGHT.

YOU DON'T?

NO, I DON'T.

ARE YOU SURE?

YOU WANT TO BET?

HOW MUCH?

THE SKY'S THE LIMIT.

GOD DAMN IT!

WHAT DID I DO?

YOU'RE DOING IT ALL WRONG.

I'M DOING IT LIKE ALWAYS.

YOU NEVER SAID THAT BEFORE.

SAID WHAT?

"SKY'S THE LIMIT."

SURE, I...

NEVER!

WHAT DO I SAY?

YOU FORGOT, DIDN'T YOU?

A HUNDRED.

I SAY, "A HUNDRED."

OK.

IT JUST CAME OUT.

I JUST WANT IT RIGHT, THAT'S ALL.

I DON'T THINK WE'LL HAVE ANY TROUBLE TONIGHT.

YOU DON'T?

NO, I DON'T.

ARE YOU SURE?

YOU WANT TO BET?

HOW MUCH?

HUNDRED?

YOU SOUND PRETTY SURE.

YOUR KIND OF MAN...

WHY SHOULDN'T I BE SURE?

WHAT KIND OF MAN AM I?

A REAL MAN.

A KIND MAN.

I'M NOT KIND.

I DON'T MEAN A WEAK KIND, THE WAY SO MANY MEN ARE.

I MEAN THE KINDNESS

THAT COMES FROM ENORMOUS STRENGTH,

FROM AN INNER POWER SO STRONG

THAT EVERY ACT IS MORE PROOF OF THAT POWER.

THAT'S WHAT WOMEN RESENT.

THAT'S WHY THEY TRY TO CUT YOU DOWN.

BECAUSE YOUR KNOWLEDGE IS SO RIGHT, SO TRUE,

THAT IT EXPOSES THE LIES

WHICH THEY EVERY SCHEMING ONE OF THEM LIVE BY.

IT TAKES A TRUE WOMAN TO UNDERSTAND

THAT THE PUREST FORM OF LOVE

IS TO LOVE A MAN WHO DENIES HIMSELF TO HER.

A MAN WHO INSPIRES WORSHIP

BECAUSE HE HAS NO NEED FOR ANY WOMAN.

BECAUSE HE HAS HIMSELF.

AND WHO IS BETTER,

MORE BEAUTIFUL, MORE POWERFUL,

MORE PERFECT-- YOU'RE GETTING HARD--

MORE STRONG, MORE MASCULINE,

MORE EXTRAORDINARY,

MORE ROBUST,

IT'S RISING. IT'S RISING.

MORE VIRILE,

MORE DOMINEERING,

MORE IRRESISTIBLE?

IT'S UP.

IT'S IN THE AIR.