Original subtitles

[ Crickets chirping ]

Jesus probably had a big penis.

Yeah. So, I think it would only be

so, I think it would only be Christian of us -- good girls of

Christian of us -- good girls of us -- to have sex with guys with

us -- to have sex with guys with penises like Jesus.

Penises like Jesus. Absolutely.

Absolutely. I think so.

I think so. We -- we should probably go

we -- we should probably go for guys that look like Jesus.

For guys that look like Jesus. Oh, yeah. Oh, god.

Oh, yeah. Oh, god. Those guys do not look like

those guys do not look like Jesus.

Jesus. So, I saw "star wars."

So, I saw "star wars." Yeah? How is it?

Yeah? How is it? Terrible.

Terrible. Oh, yeah?

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, it looks lame.

Yeah, it looks lame. It's gonna bomb.

It's gonna bomb. The Bible tells me to be

the Bible tells me to be respectful to women.

Respectful to women. I've gotten a lot of slice

I've gotten a lot of slice this whole camp, all right?

This whole camp, all right? [ Chuckles ]

[ Chuckles ] Hi, father Bobbings.

Hi, father Bobbings. Did you hear about

did you hear about Ellen Barrett?

Ellen Barrett? Wow.

Wow. A woman ordained.

A woman ordained. He was the king of

he was the king of rock 'n' roll.

Rock 'n' roll. I just bought tickets to see him

I just bought tickets to see him next week.

Next week. I can't believe he's gone.

I can't believe he's gone. I'm not sure if it's the wang

I'm not sure if it's the wang or the...Undergarden.

Or the...Undergarden. Oh, yeah. I don't know. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. I don't know. Yeah. 'Cause there's a bulge.

'Cause there's a bulge. There's something going on

there's something going on there.

There. I'm so excited.

I'm so excited. I don't know what you guys

I don't know what you guys are talking about, but I plan on

are talking about, but I plan on porking the...Out of Bambi out

porking the...Out of Bambi out there.

There. And I plan on being balls

and I plan on being balls deep in Betty before 10:00.

Deep in Betty before 10:00. ...Guys, language!

...guys, language! ...Nerds are crazy.

...nerds are crazy. Oh, yeah?

Oh, yeah? Look at these guys.

Look at these guys. Yeah...Nut?

Yeah...Nut? What do you think you have

what do you think you have there, son?

There, son? This is grade-a genuine

this is grade-a genuine Spanish fly, gentlemen.

Spanish fly, gentlemen. ...Let me see that.

...let me see that. It's real.

It's real. Come on.

Come on. Well, where'd you get it?

Well, where'd you get it? My brother got it for me when

my brother got it for me when he was down in Mexico.

He was down in Mexico. Oh, really?

Oh, really? Yeah, man.

Yeah, man. These are from the great state

these are from the great state of "Mehico."

Of "Mehico." You young men are full of...

You young men are full of... Brother Beau, language.

Brother Beau, language. [ Chuckles ]

[ Chuckles ] I never even listened to

I never even listened to Elvis.

Elvis. Plus, wasn't he a big fat drug

plus, wasn't he a big fat drug addict, anyway?

Addict, anyway? No wonder he's dead.

No wonder he's dead. [ Speaking Spanish ]

[ Speaking Spanish ] You little...

You little... What did you say?

What? The poor man had an eating

the poor man had an eating disorder, that's all.

Disorder, that's all. [ Sniffles ]

[ Sniffles ] God...

God... [ Exhales sharply ]

[ Exhales sharply ] [ Sniffles ]

[ Sniffles ] [ Crickets chirping ]

[ Crickets chirping ] [ Whimpers ]

[ Whimpers ] [ Crying ] Father?

[ Crying ] Father? I'm sorry!

I'm sorry! Looks like school's in

looks like school's in session, boys.

Session, boys. Go get them, I guess.

Go get them, I guess. Losers.

Losers. We'll see.

We'll see. [ Laughing ] Look at this

[ laughing ] Look at this guy.

Guy. Brush your teeth, fella.

Brush your teeth, fella. [ Laughter ]

[ Laughter ] You got to really work for

you got to really work for those young men's souls.

Those young men's souls. Smell that jizz.

Smell that jizz. [ Door opens ]

[ Door opens ] [ Crickets chirping ]

[ Crickets chirping ] [ Indistinct conversations ]

[ Indistinct conversations ] [ Sighs ]

[ Sighs ] What's the problem,

what's the problem, father Bobbings?

Father Bobbings? These kids -- they don't

these kids -- they don't respect anything.

Respect anything. [ Exhales sharply ]

[ Exhales sharply ] Yeah, I know.

Yeah, I know. Can I get a sip of that?

Can I get a sip of that? Hmm?

Hmm? Oh, knock yourself out.

Oh, knock yourself out. Give me a taste.

Give me a taste. Splash a little love in

splash a little love in there.

There. We don't want these broads

we don't want these broads thinking they got naked on their

thinking they got naked on their own in the morning, huh?

Own in the morning, huh? [ Chuckles ]

[ Chuckles ] Ooh.

Ooh. Ooooh.

Ooooh. ...Did you bring enough?

...did you bring enough? [ Chuckles ]

[ Chuckles ] Just excited.

Just excited. Yeah, me too.

Yeah, me too. This is gonna make these...

This is gonna make these... Horny.

Horny. Sylvester Stallone is the

Sylvester Stallone is the cutest actor out there right

cutest actor out there right now.

Now. I mean, I know he's short.

I mean, I know he's short. Yeah.

Yeah. But I bet he has a really

but I bet he has a really long cannoli.

Long cannoli. [ Both laugh ]

[ Both laugh ] Totally.

Totally. I'll take that.

I'll take that. Ah!

Ah! Hi, Chazz.

Hi, Chazz. Scram, will you?

Scram, will you? I'm trying to do something here.

I'm trying to do something here. But I --

but I -- I said scram, god...It!

I said scram, god...It! [ Laughter ]

[ Laughter ] Yeah, I just saw

yeah, I just saw "smokey and the bandit," and I

"smokey and the bandit," and I think Burt Reynolds is the

think Burt Reynolds is the hottest.

Hottest. I saw that, too.

I saw that, too. Yeah.

Yeah. And I really love his

and I really love his mustache.

Mustache. I would...His brains --

I would...His brains -- ladies.

Ladies. Ooh!

Ooh! Some very special drinks for

some very special drinks for a couple of very special ladies.

A couple of very special ladies. Mmm.

Mmm. Thank you.

Thank you. Sure.

Sure. Thank you.

Thank you. Hey, uh, don't worry, Dwayne.

Hey, uh, don't worry, Dwayne. We left one in there for you.

Unbelievable. Someone ought to kill those

someone ought to kill those guys.

Guys. Cut off their --

cut off their -- paybacks are...Chazz.

Paybacks are...Chazz. [ Crickets chirping ]

[ Crickets chirping ] [ Laughter ]

[ Laughter ] [ Indistinct conversations ]

[ Indistinct conversations ] [ Twigs snapping ]

[ Twigs snapping ] I'm fine.

I'm fine. It's fine.

It's fine. [ Girls giggling ]

[ Girls giggling ] Ow.

Ow. Mnh.

Mnh. It's fine.

It's fine. Do you -- do you have any gum?

Do you -- do you have any gum? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is it in your mouth?

Is it in your mouth? Yeah.

Yeah. Okay.

Okay. That is far out, man.

That is far out, man. Oh, my god.

Oh, my god. Oh, yes.

Oh, yes. Mmm.

Mmm. Save some for us, huh?

Save some for us, huh? Break it up there -- ohh.

Break it up there -- ohh. Sorry, but I got to take Bambi.

Sorry, but I got to take Bambi. [ Giggles ]

[ Giggles ] You're coming with me.

You're coming with me. I don't care what you do with

I don't care what you do with her.

Her. I'm taking Bambi.

I'm taking Bambi. Chazz!

Chazz! [ Laughter ]

[ Laughter ] So...

So... So...

So... There they go.

There they go. Yeah.

Yeah. Betty, I want to do you.

Betty, I want to do you. Let's go.

Let's go. Okay.

Okay. [ Both laugh ]

[ Both laugh ] Whoa!

[ Knife plunges ]

God...These useless punk kids.

Kids. Ohh!

Ohh! Aah!

Aah! Oh, please, please, please

oh, please, please, please don't.

Don't. [ Gasps ] Don't.

[ Gasps ] Don't. Please don't.

Please don't. [ Breathing heavily ]

[ Breathing heavily ] [ Knife plunges ]

[ Knife plunges ] Aah!

[ Giggles ] Here we go.

Here we go. Ow! Chazz!

Ow! Chazz! [ Grunts ]

[ Grunts ] Oh, my god.

Oh, my god. No, stop.

No, stop. It's freezing out here.

It's freezing out here. Oh, Chazz, Chazz --

oh, Chazz, Chazz -- I'll make you warm.

I'll make you warm. It's freezing out here.

It's freezing out here. There's so many bugs.

There's so many bugs. There's so many bugs.

There's so many bugs. Don't worry about the bugs.

Don't worry about the bugs. I'm getting all bit up.

I'm getting all bit up. Chazz -- Chazz, if you want

Chazz -- Chazz, if you want to...Me, take me back to the

to...Me, take me back to the cabin.

Cabin. I'm taking you back to the

I'm taking you back to the cabin.

Cabin. [ Giggles ]

[ Gasping ]

Both: Whoa. There it is.

There it is. [ Chuckles ] It's okay.

[ Chuckles ] It's okay. [ Both laugh ]

[ Both laugh ] ...The room.

...the room. Why aren't you just hammering me

why aren't you just hammering me right here?

Right here? Mmm.

Mmm. Yeah.

Yeah. [ Laughs ]

[ Laughs ] You are a good man.

You are a good man. [ Laughs ]

[ Laughs ] [ Exhales heavily ]

[ Exhales heavily ] What are you doing, taking a

what are you doing, taking a picture?

Picture? Come on.

Come on. Oh, can I?

Oh, can I? Oh, you were being sarcastic.

Oh, you were being sarcastic. [ Chuckles ]

[ Chuckles ] No, forget it. Forget it.

No, forget it. Forget it. Uh...

Uh... Back door's always open

back door's always open for Jesus, baby.

For Jesus, baby. Ow!

Ow! [ Laughs ]

[ Laughs ] [ Breathing heavily ]

[ Breathing heavily ] Aah. Aah.

Aah. Aah. [ Breathing heavily ]

[ Breathing heavily ] What now?

What now? Oh...

Oh... Uh, nothing.

Uh, nothing. Wait right here, just like that.

Wait right here, just like that. Stay just like that.

Stay just like that. Wait right here, just like that.

Wait right here, just like that. [ Sighs ]

[ Sighs ] You ki-- god, I...Hate men.

You ki-- god, I...Hate men. ♪ well, if the devil don't

♪ well, if the devil don't like it ♪

like it ♪ ♪ he better not come back

♪ he better not come back ♪ if he don't like that, no

♪ if he don't like that, no ♪ he better lick my nutsack

♪ he better lick my nutsack ♪ if the devil don't like it

♪ if the devil don't like it ♪ he better not come back

♪ he better not come back ♪ if he don't like that, no

♪ if he don't like that, no ♪ he better lick my nut

♪ he better lick my nut [ Moans ]

[ Moans ] ♪ nutsack

[ breathing heavily ] Okay.

Okay. Oh...Okay.

Oh...Okay. Okay, focus.

Okay, focus. Focus.

Focus. Here we go.

Here we go. Unh.

Unh. Uh, okay, uh...

Uh, okay, uh... Uh, Farrah Fawcett.

Uh, Farrah Fawcett. [ Exhales sharply ]

[ Exhales sharply ] Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. Uh, Carrie Fisher.

Uh, Carrie Fisher. Carrie Fisher.

Carrie Fisher. No.

No. Shelley Duvall.

Shelley Duvall. Oh, yes.

Oh, yes. Oh, yes, Shelley Duvall.

Oh, yes, Shelley Duvall. Ooh.

Ooh. Oh, nasty.

Oh, nasty. Oh, Shelley.

Oh, Shelley. [ Moans ]

[ Moans ] [ Breathing heavily ]

[ Breathing heavily ] Okay.

Okay. Okay, okay, we're good.

Okay, okay, we're good. Okay, I'm back.

Okay, I'm back. I'm back.

I'm back. Look out, baby.

Look out, baby. I'm back.

I'm back. [ Both moaning ]

[ Both moaning ] Oh, yeah, Chazz.

Oh, yeah, Chazz. Oh...Unh!

Oh...Unh! Oh, yeah!

Oh, yeah! Ooh! Oh, yeah!

Ooh! Oh, yeah! Mnh! Oh!

Mnh! Oh! Oh...

Oh... [ Both moaning ]

[ Both moaning ] Yeah!

Yeah! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh, yeah!

Oh, yeah! Oh, give it to me, Chazz!

Oh, give it to me, Chazz! Give it to me!

Give it to me! Oh, yeah! Ooh! Ooh!

Oh, yeah! Ooh! Ooh! [ Laughs ] Oh!

[ Laughs ] Oh! Whoo!

Whoo! [ Both moaning ]

[ Both breathing heavily ]

That was great, Chazz. I know.

I know. [ Exhales heavily ]

[ Exhales heavily ] I got to take a dump

father Bobbings? Again?

Again? Aah!

[ Grunts ] [ Farting ]

[ Water splashing ] [ Farting continues ]

[ Exhales heavily ] [ Inhales sharply ]

[ Inhales sharply ] [ Exhales heavily ]

[ Exhales heavily ] Oh...

Oh... God...It.

God...It. Bambi, looks like you're gonna

Bambi, looks like you're gonna have to lick my rusty starfish.

Have to lick my rusty starfish. Bambi?

Bambi? What's with the mask?

What's with the mask? Wait.

Wait. Aah! Ohh!

Aah! Ohh! Oh, god!

Oh, god! [ Screaming ]

[ Screaming ] [ Knife plunging ]

[ Knife plunging ] [ Breathing heavily ] Okay.

[ Breathing heavily ] Okay. Okay, I'm back.

Okay, I'm back. I'm back, baby.

I'm back, baby. Oh, groovy, you, uh, literally

oh, groovy, you, uh, literally did not move.

Did not move. I like it.

I like it. Uh, all right, let's just get

uh, all right, let's just get these down.

These down. [ Chuckles ]

[ Chuckles ] Nice.

Nice. All right.

All right. Here we go.

Here we go. [ Exhales heavily ]

[ Exhales heavily ] Ooh, mama.

Ooh, mama. Ooh, yeah.

Ooh, yeah. Ooh.

Ooh. Oh, my god.

Oh, my god. Oh, my god.

Oh, my god. What the...Have I done?

What the...Have I done? [ Voice breaking ] Oh, my god.

[ Voice breaking ] Oh, my god. [ Whimpering ]

[ Whimpering ] Oh, my god.

Oh, my god. Oh, my god.

Oh, my god. What the...?

What the...? Oh, my god.

Oh, my god. Oh, god --

oh, god -- [ Knife slices ]

[ Knife slices ] [ Gasping ]

[ Crickets chirping ] [ Glass breaking ]

[ Glass breaking ] Chazz?

Aah!

Aah! [ Suspenseful music playing ]

Ugh!

♪ oh, I'm ♪ rolling down the road with

♪ rolling down the road with Jesus ♪

Jesus ♪ ♪ with Jesus by my side

♪ with Jesus by my side ♪ I'm rolling down the road with

♪ I'm rolling down the road with Jesus ♪

Jesus ♪ ♪ I'm Jesus-satisfied

♪ I'm Jesus-satisfied ♪ the first time I met Jesus

♪ the first time I met Jesus ♪ I was a slave to sin

♪ I was a slave to sin ♪ but now I'm free forever

♪ but now I'm free forever 'cause I let my savior in ♪

'cause I let my savior in ♪ ♪ yes

♪ yes ♪ rolling down the road with

♪ rolling down the road with Jesus ♪

Jesus ♪ ♪ with Jesus by my side

♪ with Jesus by my side ♪ I'm rolling down the road with

♪ I'm rolling down the road with Jesus ♪

Jesus ♪ ♪ I'm Jesus-satisfied

♪ I'm Jesus-satisfied ♪ Jesus, Jesus, Jesus

♪ Jesus, Jesus, Jesus ♪ I know we'll never part

♪ I know we'll never part ♪ we'll always be together

♪ we'll always be together 'cause you're right there in my

'cause you're right there in my heart ♪

heart ♪ ♪ oh

♪ oh ♪ rolling down the road with

♪ rolling down the road with Jesus ♪

Jesus ♪ ♪ with Jesus by my side

♪ with Jesus by my side ♪ I'm rolling down the road with

♪ I'm rolling down the road with Jesus ♪

Jesus ♪ ♪ I'm Jesus-satisfied

♪ I'm Jesus-satisfied ♪ you know I love you, Jesus

♪ you know I love you, Jesus ♪ you set aside our pride

♪ you set aside our pride ♪ and now I know we'll always

♪ and now I know we'll always ♪ be your blushing bride

♪ be your blushing bride ♪ oh

♪ oh ♪ rolling down the road with

♪ rolling down the road with Jesus ♪

Jesus ♪ ♪ with Jesus by my side

♪ with Jesus by my side ♪ I'm rolling down the road with

♪ I'm rolling down the road with Jesus ♪

Jesus ♪ ♪ I'm Jesus-satisfied

♪ I'm Jesus-satisfied one more time!

One more time! ♪ rolling down the road with

♪ rolling down the road with Jesus ♪

Jesus ♪ ♪ with Jesus by my side

♪ with Jesus by my side ♪ I'm rolling down the road with

♪ I'm rolling down the road with Jesus ♪

Jesus ♪ ♪ I'm Jesus-satisfied

♪ I'm Jesus-satisfied holy rolling! Yeah!

Holy rolling! Yeah! We love you, Jesus!

We love you, Jesus! [ Cheers and applause ]

[ Cheers and applause ] Jesus' father's coming!

Jesus' father's coming! Yay, Jesus!

Yay, Jesus! [ Guitar chord plays ]

[ Guitar chord plays ] [ Chuckles ]

[ Chuckles ] Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. [ Sighs ]

[ Sighs ] [ Breathing deeply ]

[ Breathing deeply ] Ahh. You smell that, Timmy?

Ahh. You smell that, Timmy? That's good, fresh country air.

That's good, fresh country air. [ Breathes deeply ]

[ Breathes deeply ] Really?

Really? All I smell is cow poop.

All I smell is cow poop. [ Sniffs ]

[ Sniffs ] Fair enough.

Fair enough. Come on, kid.

Come on, kid. Need a hand, Brittany?

Need a hand, Brittany? I got it covered, brother

I got it covered, brother Zeke.

Zeke. Oh!

Oh! Did you hear that, brother Zeke?

Did you hear that, brother Zeke? She got it covered.

She got it covered. Yeah, you got it covered, you

ah. Spend your money wisely, Timmy.

Spend your money wisely, Timmy. I sure will, father.

I sure will, father. All right.

All right. Ooh, cool stuff.

Ooh, cool stuff. Ah.

Ah. [ Door creaks ]

[ Door creaks ] Come on in, kids.

Come on in, kids. Yeah.

Yeah. There we go. Yeah.

There we go. Yeah. That's it.

That's it. Millie.

Millie. [ Gasps ]

[ Gasps ] [ Door closes ]

[ Door closes ] Uh, you know what, father?

Uh, you know what, father? I'm gonna go wait in the Van.

I'm gonna go wait in the Van. I'm not feeling very good right

I'm not feeling very good right now.

Now. What's wrong, Millie?

What's wrong, Millie? Uh, just cramps.

Uh, just cramps. I'll be okay. Unh.

I'll be okay. Unh. Oh, do you need a tampon?

Oh...Yeah. ...Yeah.

...yeah. What do we got?

What do we got? [ Door creaking ]

How'd you get up here? Take a wrong turn?

Take a wrong turn? [ Scoffs ]

[ Scoffs ] You know, stealing is a sin.

You know, stealing is a sin. Those blue eyes are a sin.

Those blue eyes are a sin. So, uh, what's this Bible camp

so, uh, what's this Bible camp thing, some sort of penance?

Thing, some sort of penance? Well, I do have a lot to

well, I do have a lot to repent for.

Repent for. Really?

Really? Then maybe you should get down

then maybe you should get down on your knees and starting

on your knees and starting asking for forgiveness.

Asking for forgiveness. To who -- god or to you?

To who -- god or to you? I think you should hold on to

I think you should hold on to this.

This. Name of the father and of the

name of the father and of the son and of the holy spirit.

Son and of the holy spirit. Amen.

Amen. Jennifer!

Jennifer! That's like blasphemy or

that's like blasphemy or something.

Something. Come on.

Come on. [ Breathes deeply ]

[ Breathes deeply ] [ Laughing ]

[ Laughing ] Hi.

Hi. [ Chuckles ]

[ Chuckles ] I'm father Cummings, pastor of

I'm father Cummings, pastor of the St. Judas catholic church.

The St. Judas catholic church. We're, uh -- we're just here

we're, uh -- we're just here buying some supplies for our big

buying some supplies for our big campout.

Campout. [ Chuckles ]

[ Chuckles ] So, let me ask you something,

so, let me ask you something, father.

Father. [ Laughs ]

[ Laughs ] Me and J.J., we been arguing

me and J.J., we been arguing about something.

About something. Maybe you can help us make up

maybe you can help us make up our minds.

Our minds. Now, is it gay if you just put

now, is it gay if you just put your mouth on it?

Your mouth on it? On what?

On what? The tallywackers, dummy!

The tallywackers, dummy! [ Laughs maniacally ]

[ Laughs maniacally ] [ Sighs ]

[ Sighs ] That's skunk for you.

That's skunk for you. Where you headed to, padre?

Where you headed to, padre? Just a few miles up the road,

just a few miles up the road, to the happy day Bible camp.

To the happy day Bible camp. Don't you mean the

don't you mean the bloody bloody Bible camp?

Bloody bloody Bible camp? [ All gasp ]

[ All gasp ] It's okay, everybody.

It's okay, everybody. [ Chuckles nervously ]

[ Chuckles nervously ] He's just trying to, uh, yank

he's just trying to, uh, yank our chain.

Our chain. [ Chuckles ]

[ Chuckles ] Aren't you?

Aren't you? L-listen -- I don't appreciate

l-listen -- I don't appreciate you scaring the campers like

you scaring the campers like that.

That. You don't see me running around,

you don't see me running around, preaching false stories.

Preaching false stories. All right.

All right. You don't believe me?

You don't believe me? [ Chuckles ]

[ Chuckles ] Take a look at my brother,

take a look at my brother, Dwayne.

Dwayne. My brother went to

my brother went to bloody bloody Bible camp seven

bloody bloody Bible camp seven years ago.

Years ago. And some crazy freak nun they

and some crazy freak nun they call sister Mary chopper...Near

call sister Mary chopper...Near killed him, left him for dead.

Killed him, left him for dead. [ Singing indistinctly ]

[ Singing indistinctly ] Ugh.

Ugh. Aah!

Aah! [ Knife slices ]

[ Knife slices ] Aah!

Aah! Dwayne was the only survivor.

Dwayne was the only survivor. Well, some other broad, but we

well, some other broad, but we ain't seen her since.

Ain't seen her since. He ain't spoke a word since that

he ain't spoke a word since that night.

Night. He just sits there all day long,

he just sits there all day long, staring at...

Staring at... Uh, right, uh...

Uh, right, uh... All righty, then.

All righty, then. Well, I guess that's enough

well, I guess that's enough horror stories for one day.

Horror stories for one day. Is everybody ready to go?

Is everybody ready to go? You're making a big mistake,

you're making a big mistake, padre, 'cause they ain't never

padre, 'cause they ain't never caught that sister Mary chopper.

Caught that sister Mary chopper. I bet she's still out there, and

I bet she's still out there, and I bet she's still thirsty for

I bet she's still thirsty for blood!

Blood! [ Chuckles ] Okey dokey.

[ Chuckles ] Okey dokey. Okay, campers.

Okay, campers. [ Chuckles ]

[ Chuckles ] Let's hit the road.

Let's hit the road. [ Sighs ]

[ Sighs ] So many ounces, so little

so many ounces, so little time.

God...Christians. [ Engine turns over ]

[ Van door closes ] [ Birds chirping ]

[ Birds chirping ] Oh, god, when was the last

oh, god, when was the last time anyone was here?

Where are, uh -- where are all the cabins, father?

All the cabins, father? Uh, they're just up the road.

Uh, they're just up the road. Uh, it's not far.

Uh, it's not far. Buck up, tad.

Buck up, tad. Besides, we're camping.

Besides, we're camping. [ Chuckles ]

[ Chuckles ] Oh.

Oh. All right, grab your gear,

all right, grab your gear, troops.

Troops. Yeah, tad, we're camping.

Yeah, tad, we're camping. [ Mockingly ] Oh, we're

[ mockingly ] Oh, we're camping.

Camping. Ooh!

Thank you to Jesus for providing this beautiful

providing this beautiful campground.

Campground. If the church buys this place,

if the church buys this place, we can come here every summer,

we can come here every summer, together.

Together. Yeah!

Yeah! [ Giggles ] Be so cool.

[ Giggles ] Be so cool. Oh, my gosh.

Oh, my gosh. You brought a tape.

You brought a tape. I forgot all my Amy Grant ones

this is not Christian rock. And?

And? Someone is going to h-e-l.

Someone is going to h-e-l. That's hell.

That's hell. A-plus, Brittany.

A-plus, Brittany. Excuse me?

Excuse me? ...Off, Princess.

Mmm, man, that Brittany is hot as hell.

Hot as hell. W-what do you mean?

W-what do you mean? Is she sick?

Is she sick? Does she have a fever?

Does she have a fever? I hope it doesn't ruin her trip.

I hope it doesn't ruin her trip. [ Laughs ]

[ Laughs ] No, you weasy little dweeb.

No, you weasy little dweeb. It means she's butt...

It means she's butt... Beautiful.

Beautiful. I get a boner every time I look

I get a boner every time I look at those sweet little...Of hers.

At those sweet little...Of hers. Ooh!

Ooh! You shouldn't think unpure

you shouldn't think unpure thoughts, tad, or say the "B"

thoughts, tad, or say the "B" word or the "F" word.

Word or the "F" word. You know you get boners, you

you know you get boners, you little cow pie, don't you?

Little cow pie, don't you? Ow!

Ow! No, I don't!

No, I don't! Yeah, you do.

Yeah, you do. You probably get them when you

you probably get them when you look at boys, huh?

Look at boys, huh? [ Screeching ] No, I don't!

[ Screeching ] No, I don't! [ Laughs ]

[ Laughs ] Look, you're getting one

look, you're getting one right now.

Right now. [ Gasps ]

[ Gasps ] I'm sorry, Jesus!

I'm sorry, Jesus! I'm sorry, Jesus!

I'm sorry, Jesus! I'm sorry, Jesus!

I'm sorry, Jesus! Jesus, please take my sinful

Jesus, please take my sinful boner away!

Boner away! [ Both laughing ]

[ Both laughing ] [ Laugh honking ]

[ Laugh honking ] This guy.

This guy. [ Laughing stops ]

[ Laughing stops ] [ Chuckles ]

[ Chuckles ] Tad.

Tad. You know, the realty company

you know, the realty company is very eager to close this

is very eager to close this deal.

Deal. [ Chuckles ]

[ Chuckles ] Think about it.

Think about it. It's a beautiful place, touched

it's a beautiful place, touched by the hand of god.

By the hand of god. They're practically giving it

they're practically giving it away.

Away. Yeah, too bad it takes us a

yeah, too bad it takes us a day to get here.

Day to get here. Well, brother Zeke, if you

well, brother Zeke, if you and father Cummings didn't each

and father Cummings didn't each drive a Jaguar, we probably

drive a Jaguar, we probably could afford a place closer to

could afford a place closer to the church.

The church. Jag?

Jag? I drive a caddy, baby.

I drive a caddy, baby. You got to pay attention,

you got to pay attention, Millie.

Millie. Come on.

Come on. [ Crying ] I'm sorry, Jesus!

[ Crying ] I'm sorry, Jesus! I'm sorry, Jesus!

I'm sorry, Jesus! Jesus, please take this sinful

Jesus, please take this sinful boner away!

Boner away! Please!

Please! Then father Cummings won't like

then father Cummings won't like me anymore!

Me anymore! Please! Please!

Please! Please! I'm sorry!

I'm sorry! Ahh!

Ahh! What's all this white stuff?

What's all this white stuff? [ Gasping ]

[ Gasping ] This must be that holy water

this must be that holy water that father Cummings was talking

that father Cummings was talking about.

About. I g-- I got to go tell him!

I g-- I got to go tell him! Don't it seem a little weird,

don't it seem a little weird, though, they'd be selling this

though, they'd be selling this place so cheap?

Place so cheap? Well, maybe there's something

well, maybe there's something wrong with it.

Wrong with it. Nope. No.

Nope. No. No, no, no, no, I think you're

no, no, no, no, I think you're way off base on this one,

way off base on this one, Millie.

Millie. No, I -- I think the lord

no, I -- I think the lord brought us here for a reason.

Brought us here for a reason. And this weekend will give us

and this weekend will give us the opportunity to know the lord

the opportunity to know the lord a little bit better and know a

a little bit better and know a whole lot more about ourselves.

Whole lot more about ourselves. Now, I think it's no coincidence

now, I think it's no coincidence that fate has brought us all

that fate has brought us all together here for a weekend

together here for a weekend that's gonna be unforgettable, a

that's gonna be unforgettable, a weekend that we'll be talking

weekend that we'll be talking about the rest of our lives.

About the rest of our lives. I can guarantee you that.

I can guarantee you that. Yo, amen to that, father.

Yo, amen to that, father. [ Chuckles ]

[ Chuckles ] Right on, brother Zeke.

Right on, brother Zeke. Mnh.

Mnh. [ Laughs ]

[ Laughs ] Yeah.

Yeah. Mnh. Well...

Oh, this is nice. Oh, thanks.

Oh, thanks. A girlfriend of mine made it for

a girlfriend of mine made it for me.

Me. All I'm saying is you should

all I'm saying is you should think about it, all right?

Think about it, all right? [ Laughs ]

[ Laughs ] She made it for me.

She made it for me. You're so pretty.

You're so pretty. Thanks.

Thanks. [ Chuckles nervously ]

[ Chuckles nervously ] [ Indistinct conversation ]

[ Indistinct conversation ] Hey, Timmy, how's that boner

hey, Timmy, how's that boner treating you?

Treating you? Oh, shut up, tad.

Oh, shut up, tad. Father Cummings says it's a holy

father Cummings says it's a holy boner.

Boner. Oh, I bet he did.

Oh, I bet he did. [ Laughs ]

[ Laughs ] [ Both laugh ]

[ Both laugh ] I don't think it's safe...

I don't think it's safe... I'm really interested in your

I'm really interested in your skin and the way that it's like

skin and the way that it's like connected to your bones and the

connected to your bones and the moisture and the way that it

moisture and the way that it breathes.

Breathes. I'm just --

I'm just -- [ Squeals ]

[ Squeals ] Dude, come on.

Dude, come on. You're like a priest.

You're like a priest. No. I'm a brother.

No. I'm a brother. Tuskegee airman...

Tuskegee airman... [ Sighs ]

[ Sighs ] [ Giggles ] Tad!

[ Giggles ] Tad! You're such a flirt.

You're such a flirt. Come on, baby.

Come on, baby. Seriously, though, like --

seriously, though, like -- so, is everybody having a

so, is everybody having a great time this weekend.

Great time this weekend. [ Cheers and applause ]

[ Cheers and applause ] Hallelujah. Hallelujah.

Hallelujah. Hallelujah. Ah.

Ah. I'll tell you, kids -- if this

I'll tell you, kids -- if this weekend goes well, the church

weekend goes well, the church may just buy this little slice

may just buy this little slice of heaven.

Of heaven. Oh.

Oh. [ Cheers and applause ]

[ Cheers and applause ] Oh, I'll tell you, this weekend

oh, I'll tell you, this weekend we're gonna have fellowship,

we're gonna have fellowship, we're gonna have fun, and we're

we're gonna have fun, and we're gonna have --

gonna have -- hot wieners!

Hot wieners! [ Chuckles ]

[ Chuckles ] You're right, Timmy.

You're right, Timmy. And there's only one kind of

and there's only one kind of wiener you want to wrap your

wiener you want to wrap your lips around, and that's --

lips around, and that's -- and that's -- [ Gasps ]

And that's -- [ Gasps ] Uh...

Uh... That's a hot, juicy jumbo

that's a hot, juicy jumbo wiener.

Wiener. [ Laughter ]

[ Laughter ] Ooh.

Ooh. Here you go, Vance.

Here you go, Vance. Pass those around.

Pass those around. [ Sighs ]

[ Sighs ] [ Breathes deeply ]

[ Breathes deeply ] Was, uh, anyone else creeped

was, uh, anyone else creeped out by that story about

out by that story about sister Mary chopper?

Sister Mary chopper? Uh, it's gonna take a lot

uh, it's gonna take a lot more than a couple toothless

more than a couple toothless inbreds to scare me, huh?

Inbreds to scare me, huh? Well, I got to tell you,

well, I got to tell you, gang -- toothless inbreds --

gang -- toothless inbreds -- they don't take kindly to

they don't take kindly to out-of-towners, all right?

Out-of-towners, all right? They make up stories just to

they make up stories just to kind of get their goat.

Kind of get their goat. Yeah, but what about his

yeah, but what about his brother who was all disfigured?

Brother who was all disfigured? Yeah, that boy looked...

Yeah, that boy looked... Uh...

Uh... Messed up.

Messed up. Lord, pray for him.

Lord, pray for him. [ Sighs ]

[ Sighs ] Well, uh, I'll tell you,

well, uh, I'll tell you, Jennifer -- he was probably born

Jennifer -- he was probably born that way.

That way. You know, sometimes the lord

you know, sometimes the lord punishes us for reasons that we

punishes us for reasons that we don't know, even at birth.

Don't know, even at birth. But you have to know that it's

but you have to know that it's all part of his universal plan.

All part of his universal plan. [ Chuckles nervously ]

[ Chuckles nervously ] Well, I, uh -- I guess that puts

well, I, uh -- I guess that puts that to rest.

That to rest. At any rate I wanted to let you

at any rate I wanted to let you guys know [Sighs] that I have a

guys know [Sighs] that I have a big surprise for you.

Big surprise for you. I wrote a special song for this

I wrote a special song for this weekend.

Weekend. [ Laughter ]

[ Laughter ] Oh...

Oh... [ Exhales heavily ]

[ Exhales heavily ] I must say that I am inspired

I must say that I am inspired this week.

This week. I'm inspired by a vision, a

I'm inspired by a vision, a vision of the world's greatest

vision of the world's greatest god-fearing Bible camp

god-fearing Bible camp [Chuckles] filled with boys who,

[chuckles] Filled with boys who, like their forefathers, can

like their forefathers, can learn how to shoot a

learn how to shoot a black-powder rifle and wear a

black-powder rifle and wear a coonskin cap

coonskin cap great.

Great. [ Chuckles ]

[ Chuckles ] And girls -- the girls will

and girls -- the girls will learn to be great homemakers and

learn to be great homemakers and great housewives.

Great housewives. [ Laughs ]

[ Laughs ] Here we go.

Here we go. ♪ as I looked down up the land

♪ as I looked down up the land ♪ guess what I did see

♪ guess what I did see ♪ loads of boys becoming men

♪ loads of boys becoming men ♪ Jesus has the holy key

♪ Jesus has the holy key ♪ and all the girls will learn

♪ and all the girls will learn to cook and keep house for the

to cook and keep house for the clan ♪

clan ♪ ♪ to be a loyal ranger rat to a

♪ to be a loyal ranger rat to a loyal ranger man ♪

loyal ranger man ♪ ♪ oh, can't you see the dream

♪ oh, can't you see the dream is sweet? ♪

is sweet? ♪ ♪ really quite at hand

♪ really quite at hand ♪ be a boy in a coonskin cap

♪ be a boy in a coonskin cap ♪ become a Christian man

♪ become a Christian man ♪ we'll all splash round in the

♪ we'll all splash round in the lake all day ♪

lake all day ♪ ♪ yes, we'll be real good

♪ yes, we'll be real good swimmers ♪

swimmers ♪ ♪ and the girls will bless the

♪ and the girls will bless the dining hall with breakfast,

dining hall with breakfast, lunch, and dinners ♪

lunch, and dinners ♪ ♪ oh, can't you see the dream

♪ oh, can't you see the dream is sweet? ♪

is sweet? ♪ ♪ and it couldn't be much

♪ and it couldn't be much keener ♪

keener ♪ ♪ we'll roast our dogs in the

♪ we'll roast our dogs in the campfire light ♪

campfire light ♪ ♪ everybody, grab your wiener

♪ everybody, grab your wiener [ Song ends ]

[ Song ends ] [ Cheers and applause ]

[ Cheers and applause ] [ Chuckles ]

[ Chuckles ] [ Exhales heavily ]

[ Exhales heavily ] Well, kids, it's been a long

well, kids, it's been a long day, and I think I'm gonna go

day, and I think I'm gonna go hit the sack.

Hit the sack. [ Moaning ]

[ Moaning ] Our father who art in heaven,

our father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name.

Hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be

thy kingdom come, thy will be done on earth as it is in

done on earth as it is in heaven.

Heaven. [ Humming ]

Ooh, yeah. Do you like my breasts?

Do you like my breasts? Yes.

Yes. Me too.

Me too. [ Humming ]

[ Humming ] [ Breathing heavily ]

[ Breathing heavily ] ♪ yes, I love you, Jesus

♪ yes, I love you, Jesus ♪ oh, yeah

♪ oh, yeah ♪ yes, I love you, Jesus

♪ yes, I love you, Jesus [ Wolf-whistles ]

[ Wolf-whistles ] Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. That's right, Brittany.

That's right, Brittany. Keep it up.

Keep it up. [ Humming ]

[ Humming ] [ Laughing ] Oh, yeah.

[ Laughing ] Oh, yeah. Daddy like. Daddy like.

Daddy like. Daddy like. [ Inhales sharply ]

[ Inhales sharply ] God, I love white women.

God, I love white women. Oh!

Oh! Father Cummings.

Father Cummings. [ Chuckles nervously ]

[ Chuckles nervously ] You scared me there for a

you scared me there for a second.

Second. I was just, uh, making sure all

I was just, uh, making sure all the campers were getting to bed

the campers were getting to bed okay.

Okay. I know exactly what you were

I know exactly what you were doing, brother Zeke.

Doing, brother Zeke. Uh...I'm sorry, father.

Uh...I'm sorry, father. I promise I will never get

I promise I will never get caught doing that again.

Caught doing that again. Oh, you don't need to

oh, you don't need to apologize to me.

Apologize to me. You need to apologize to the

you need to apologize to the lord.

Lord. He's the only who forgives

he's the only who forgives around here.

Around here. Yes, father.

Yes, father. But look on the bright side.

But look on the bright side. At least I didn't catch you

at least I didn't catch you spying on the boys undressing.

Spying on the boys undressing. [ Laughs ]

[ Laughs ] [ Laughs ]

[ Laughs ] Okay.

Okay. [ Both laughing ]

[ Both laughing ] Mm.

Mm. Yeah. Now hand it over.

Yeah. Now hand it over. [ Sniffs ]

[ Sniffs ] Oh, brother Zeke.

Oh, brother Zeke. The wages of sin -- death.

The wages of sin -- death. Both: Romans 6:23.

Both: Romans 6:23. Mm.

Mm. Now go to bed.

Now go to bed. We have a big day tomorrow.

We have a big day tomorrow. [ Crickets chirping ]

[ Crickets chirping ] White devil.

White devil. [ Thunder rumbling ]

[ Thunder rumbling ] [ Moaning ]

[ Moaning ] You're gonna die...

You're gonna die... [ Gasping ]

[ Gasping ] [ Whimpering ]

[ Whimpering ] [ Laughs evilly ]

[ Laughs evilly ] The tallywackers, dummy!

The tallywackers, dummy! [ Laughs maniacally ]

[ Gasps ] [ Breathing heavily ]

Rise and shine, Bible campers. It's exactly 6:00 A.M. at the

it's exactly 6:00 A.M. at the happy day Bible camp, and time's

happy day Bible camp, and time's a-wasting.

A-wasting. We have a full day of swimming,

we have a full day of swimming, nature walks, and, yes, our

nature walks, and, yes, our famous trivia game, the Bible

famous trivia game, the Bible bowl!

Bowl! [ Buzzer ]

[ Buzzer ] Oh! Oh, gosh!

Oh! Oh, gosh! The Bible bowl!

The Bible bowl! I better hurry up and get to

I better hurry up and get to breakfast.

Breakfast. If there's one thing I like

if there's one thing I like better than hot, juicy wieners,

hey, be careful, Timmy, before you get another Bible

before you get another Bible boner.

Boner. [ Laughs ]

[ Laughs ] Ha ha, tad.

Ha ha, tad. Hey, Vance, did you hear what

hey, Vance, did you hear what I said?

I said? Yeah, I heard you.

Yeah, I heard you. [ Sighs ]

[ Sighs ] Rise and shine, boss.

Rise and shine, boss. [ Groans ] ...This...

[ Laughing evilly ] I pray to almighty god...

I pray to almighty god... And to you, my brothers and

and to you, my brothers and sisters that I have sinner in my

sisters that I have sinner in my words, in my thoughts, in my

words, in my thoughts, in my thoughts, and -- and -- and in

thoughts, and -- and -- and in my actions, and in what I failed

my actions, and in what I failed to act.

To act. And -- and I ask you, blessed

and -- and I ask you, blessed Mary, oh, blessed Mary, and the

Mary, oh, blessed Mary, and the holy womb and the blood that

holy womb and the blood that flows from the holy womb -- I'll

flows from the holy womb -- I'll ask you to pray for me.

Ask you to pray for me. [ Laughing ] Pray for me now and

[ laughing ] Pray for me now and at the hour of my death!

At the hour of my death! All right, campers!

All right, campers! [ Cheers and applause ]

[ Cheers and applause ] Yay! Father!

Yay! Father! Ow!

Ow! This is definitely gonna be

this is definitely gonna be one of the highlights of our

one of the highlights of our weekend.

Weekend. Brother Zeke and I have put

brother Zeke and I have put together some biblical trivia

together some biblical trivia questions for our friendly

questions for our friendly little contest.

Little contest. And this should prove beyond a

and this should prove beyond a shadow of a doubt which one of

shadow of a doubt which one of you campers is the best

you campers is the best Christian here today.

Christian here today. Huh?

Huh? All right!

All right! [ Cheers and applause ]

[ Cheers and applause ] Father!

Father! And the winner of the contest

and the winner of the contest will receive this beautiful,

will receive this beautiful, brand-new, good news Bible from

brand-new, good news Bible from the St. Judas church [Chuckles]

The St. Judas church [Chuckles] with a personal inscription by

with a personal inscription by yours truly.

Yours truly. Huh? Okay.

Huh? Okay. All right, campers, are you

all right, campers, are you ready?

Ready? Yeah!

Yeah! [ Applause ]

[ Applause ] Yeah! Father!

Yeah! Father! Ow!

Ow! Are you ready?

Are you ready? Here's the first question --

here's the first question -- what is the eighth commandment?

What is the eighth commandment? Oh.

Oh. Yeah, Vance?

Yeah, Vance? "Thou shalt not kill."

"Thou shalt not kill." No.

No. Uh, Timmy?

Uh, Timmy? According to the king James

according to the king James version of the Bible, it's "thou

version of the Bible, it's "thou shalt not steal."

Shalt not steal." Right, as usual, Timmy.

Right, as usual, Timmy. [ Chuckles ]

[ Chuckles ] Okay.

Okay. Oh, chalk up Timmy for one

oh, chalk up Timmy for one there.

There. But wasn't Jesus the prince

but wasn't Jesus the prince of thieves?

Of thieves? No. Uh, no.

No. Uh, no. Uh, the next question -- now,

uh, the next question -- now, everybody, you're gonna have to

everybody, you're gonna have to catch up with Timmy 'cause

catch up with Timmy 'cause obviously he's launched ahead,

obviously he's launched ahead, okay?

Okay? So, see if you can get this one.

So, see if you can get this one. Who was the first son of Adam

who was the first son of Adam and Eve?

And Eve? Paul!

Paul! No.

No. Uh, Jason?

Uh, Jason? Uh, no.

Uh, no. Joseph.

Joseph. No!

No! Jesus!

Jesus! Wrong again.

Wrong again. Timmy?

Timmy? Cain.

Cain. [ Chuckling ] That's right.

[ Chuckling ] That's right. Oh, chalk him up for another.

Oh, chalk him up for another. Ow.

Ow. [ Clears throat ]

[ Clears throat ] Okay, question number three.

Okay, question number three. Now, everybody, try really hard

now, everybody, try really hard on this one.

On this one. You got to catch up, okay?

You got to catch up, okay? What happens to those who don't

what happens to those who don't ask forgiveness before they die?

Ask forgiveness before they die? Together: They go to hell!

Together: They go to hell! [ Laughter ]

[ Laughter ] You got me on that one.

You got me on that one. That was a give-away, wasn't it,

that was a give-away, wasn't it, brother Zeke?

Brother Zeke? Give everybody one.

Give everybody one. Excellent.

Excellent. Well, what if Hitler asked

well, what if Hitler asked for forgiveness before he died?

For forgiveness before he died? Well, then I suppose he's in

well, then I suppose he's in heaven, isn't he?

Heaven, isn't he? Next.

Next. [ Clears throat ]

[ Clears throat ] Okay, uh, next question --

okay, uh, next question -- according to the good book, who

according to the good book, who is responsible for killing

is responsible for killing Jesus?

Jesus? Let's give this to somebody who

let's give this to somebody who doesn't have a chance.

Doesn't have a chance. Yeah, yeah, to the bimbo.

Yeah, yeah, to the bimbo. Uh, Brittany!

Uh, Brittany! Uh...The, um...

Uh...The, um... Yeah, the --

yeah, the -- the -- the --

the -- the -- you know...

You know... Right, the...

Right, the... Yeah, uh-huh, the, uh...

Yeah, uh-huh, the, uh... Yeah.

Yeah. Um...

Um... Get -- yeah. Yeah.

Get -- yeah. Yeah. The Jews!

The Jews! Oh!

Oh! Excellent job, Brittany, very,

excellent job, Brittany, very, very good.

Very good. Timmy, I think you may have some

Timmy, I think you may have some competition over here.

Competition over here. Um -- [ Chuckles ] All right.

Um -- [ Chuckles ] All right. But what about -- what about

but what about -- what about all the -- all the murders that

all the -- all the murders that happened in the name of Christ?

Happened in the name of Christ? I don't know.

I don't know. Uh, diplomatic immunity?

Uh, diplomatic immunity? Okay, the next question is --

okay, the next question is -- what does god do to women

what does god do to women who have abortions?

Who have abortions? They burn in hell.

They burn in hell. Sorry, Jennifer.

Sorry, Jennifer. Very good, Vance, very good.

Very good, Vance, very good. [ Chuckles ]

[ Chuckles ] Well, what if god was a

well, what if god was a woman?

Woman? What if god's grandfather raped

what if god's grandfather raped her when he was 12?

Her when he was 12? Rape?

Rape? Don't be silly, Jennifer.

Don't be silly, Jennifer. Everyone knows god's a man.

Everyone knows god's a man. And -- and he was probably

and -- and he was probably wearing something like real

wearing something like real skimpy and flirting and like

skimpy and flirting and like asking for it.

Asking for it. You're right, Jimmy, and god

you're right, Jimmy, and god doesn't have a grandfather,

doesn't have a grandfather, anyway.

Anyway. That's ridiculous.

That's ridiculous. Now, let's not be ridiculous,

now, let's not be ridiculous, Jennifer.

Jennifer. Besides, you're scaring Timmy,

besides, you're scaring Timmy, okay?

Okay? Now, this should be an easy one.

Now, this should be an easy one. What happens to homosexuals?

What happens to homosexuals? They become priests.

They become priests. [ Laughs ]

[ Laughs ] [ Gasps ]

[ Gasps ] Mm.

Mm. [ The smoking vaginas' "get up"

♪ get up whoo!

Whoo! ♪ get up, get up

♪ get up, get up yeah!

Yeah! ♪ get up, get up

♪ get up, get up ♪ get up, get up

♪ get up, get up ♪ I came here to pray

♪ I came here to pray ♪ now I'm ready to play

♪ now I'm ready to play yeah! Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! Whoo!

Whoo! ♪ always played by the

♪ always played by the rules ♪

rules ♪ ♪ I think you're kind of

♪ I think you're kind of cute ♪

cute ♪ ♪ what you think we should do?

♪ what you think we should do? ♪ these clothes are really

♪ these clothes are really hot and, girl, so are you ♪

hot and, girl, so are you ♪ whoop!

Whoop! ♪ no one's here to tell us

♪ no one's here to tell us what's wrong or right ♪

what's wrong or right ♪ ♪ I've been held up all my

♪ I've been held up all my life, and now I'm ready, ready ♪

life, and now I'm ready, ready ♪ [ Chuckles ] Whoo!

[ Chuckles ] Whoo! There's no skinny-dipping!

There's no skinny-dipping! ♪ get up, get up

♪ get up, get up ♪ get up, get up

♪ get up, get up ♪ get up, get up

♪ get up, get up [ Camera shutter clicks ]

[ Camera shutter clicks ] ♪ mommy and daddy aren't here

♪ mommy and daddy aren't here to please ♪

to please ♪ I don't like this!

I don't like this! This is not appropriate!

This is not appropriate! It's not appropriate?

It's not appropriate? This is very appropriate.

This is very appropriate. [ Crying ] No, it isn't.

[ Crying ] No, it isn't. ♪ baby, come over here ♪

♪ baby, come over here ♪ I'm tired of playing the

I'm tired of playing the dork ♪

dork ♪ ♪ I'll take all that you got

♪ I'll take all that you got and then I'll give you some

and then I'll give you some more ♪

more ♪ ♪ no one's here to tell us

♪ no one's here to tell us what's wrong or right ♪

what's wrong or right ♪ ♪ I've been held up all my

♪ I've been held up all my life, and now I'm ready, ready ♪

life, and now I'm ready, ready ♪ ♪ get up, get up

♪ get up, get up ♪ get up, get up

♪ get up, get up ♪ get up, get up

♪ get up, get up yeah!

Yeah! ♪ get up, get up

[ birds chirping ]

You know, uh, you really ought to consider becoming a

ought to consider becoming a father someday, brother Zeke.

Father someday, brother Zeke. [ Whimsical music plays ]

[ Whimsical music plays ] Uh-huh.

Uh-huh. [ Chuckles ]

[ Chuckles ] Wouldn't that be something?

Wouldn't that be something? [ Sighs ]

[ Sighs ] Cool.

Cool. [ Sighs ]

[ Sighs ] Look at this scenery.

Look at this scenery. Whew.

Whew. Only god could have created

only god could have created something as beautiful as this.

[ Music fades ] So, what's next?

So, what's next? Trust exercises?

Trust exercises? [ Chuckling ] No.

[ Chuckling ] No. I guess father Cummings has a,

I guess father Cummings has a, uh, nature walk planned.

Uh, nature walk planned. [ Sarcastically ] Rad.

[ Sarcastically ] Rad. Don't worry.

Don't worry. You could, uh, always pair up

you could, uh, always pair up with me.

With me. Cool.

Cool. I'd like that.

I'd like that. So, I guess...

So, I guess... You're not really having a good

you're not really having a good time up here.

Time up here. It's not that.

It's not that. It's just...

It's just... For a place that's supposed to

for a place that's supposed to be for everyone, kind of feel

be for everyone, kind of feel like a loner, you know?

Like a loner, you know? You shouldn't.

You shouldn't. Do you want to talk about it?

Do you want to talk about it? No. It's kind of complicated.

No. It's kind of complicated. Thanks, though.

Thanks, though. [ Chuckles ]

[ Chuckles ] 2...

2... And...

And... ...And 3...

...and 3... ...They...

...they... ...And Jesus --

...and Jesus -- ooh! And 4...

Ooh! And 4... And 5...

And 5... [ Camera shutter clicks ]

[ Camera shutter clicks ] ...And 9...

...and 9... And 10.

And 10. [ Breathing heavily ]

[ Breathing heavily ] What the heck?

What the heck? Stop it!

Stop it! Ugh.

Ugh. Pervert.

Pervert. Oh. Uh...

Oh. Uh... Ooh!

Ooh! And Jesus...

And Jesus... And 2...

And 2... Uh, uh, uh, uh...

Uh, uh, uh, uh... Uh, Bambi.

Uh, Bambi. [ Suspenseful music plays ]

[ Suspenseful music plays ] In the name of the father,

in the name of the father, and of the son, and of the

and of the son, and of the holy spirit.

Holy spirit. Oh, Jesus, I know I've been such

oh, Jesus, I know I've been such a bad girl.

A bad girl. [ Crying ]

[ Crying ] But I promise, after today, I'm

but I promise, after today, I'm gonna -- I'm gonna get -- I

gonna -- I'm gonna get -- I promise, I'm gonna do better.

Promise, I'm gonna do better. I'm gonna get all those

I'm gonna get all those sinners -- all of them -- I

sinners -- all of them -- I promise.

Promise. They don't know how much you

they don't know how much you love them.

Love them. And really, I swear, they're

and really, I swear, they're gonna know how much you love

gonna know how much you love them, because you love them as

them, because you love them as much as you love me!

Much as you love me! [ Laughing evilly ]

[ Laughing evilly ] I love you.

I love you. I love you, Jesus.

I love you, Jesus. I love you.

I love you. [ Laughing evilly ]

[ Laughing evilly ] [ Wails ]

[ Wails ] [ Music fades ]

♪ frozen time, frozen... I wonder how those dumb...

I wonder how those dumb... Camping preachers are doing.

Camping preachers are doing. Aw...They're doing nothing

aw...They're doing nothing dying, if sister Mary chopper

decides to make an encore. [ Laughing ]

[ Laughing ] [ Chalk screeching on board ]

[ Chalk screeching on board ] Oh!

Oh! Aah!

Aah! ...Dwayne!

...Dwayne! Aah!

Aah! I hate when he talks!

I hate when he talks! Oh! Aah!

Oh! Aah! Come on, come on.

Come on, come on. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. [ Breathing heavily ]

[ Breathing heavily ] Oh!

Oh! G-glo-- glo--

g-glo-- glo-- oh...No.

Oh...No. You ain't going to that camp.

You ain't going to that camp. You hear me?

You hear me? We warned them.

We warned them. We did our best.

We did our best. That's all we can do.

That's all we can do. And quit wasting peanuts.

♪ Jesus loves me ♪ that I know

♪ that I know ♪ for the Bible tells me so

♪ for the Bible tells me so ♪ if we're good and say our

♪ if we're good and say our prayers ♪

prayers ♪ [ Laughing ] ♪ then we know

[ laughing ] ♪ then we know that Jesus cares ♪

that Jesus cares ♪ ♪ Jesus loves me

♪ Jesus loves me ♪ that I know

♪ that I know ♪ for the Bible tells me so

♪ for the Bible tells me so ♪ if we're good and say our

♪ if we're good and say our prayers ♪

prayers ♪ then we know that Jesus cares.

Then we know that Jesus cares. Jesus loves you.

Jesus loves you. I love you.

I love you. [ Laughing ]

[ Laughing ] ♪ I love you

♪ I love you ♪ Jesus loves me

♪ Jesus loves me [ Laughing ] ♪ we are a happy

[ laughing ] ♪ we are a happy family ♪

family ♪ [ Dramatic music plays ]

[ Dog barking in distance ] Oh, Millie, um, i-i had a

oh, Millie, um, i-i had a question.

Question. I was wondering if you could

I was wondering if you could just...

Just... [ Pats seat ]

[ Pats seat ] Um, just for a minute.

Um, just for a minute. [ Sighs ]

[ Sighs ] Look, um, I was concerned

look, um, I was concerned about Jennifer and her beliefs.

About Jennifer and her beliefs. [ Sighs ]

[ Sighs ] We all are.

We all are. Is it true that, uh, she's a,

is it true that, uh, she's a, um -- here on court order?

Um -- here on court order? [ Scoffs ]

[ Scoffs ] Not now, Vance.

Not now, Vance. Um, but tad said that she

I....Am a... Straight man...

Straight man... With no homosexual tendencies.

With no homosexual tendencies. What you doing?

What you doing? Oh. Hey.

Oh. Hey. Hey.

Hey. [ Panting ]

[ Panting ] Can't believe I have to bunk

can't believe I have to bunk with that little fat kid.

With that little fat kid. I hate fat people.

I hate fat people. Totally.

Totally. They smell.

They smell. I don't know,

I don't know, father Cummings.

Father Cummings. I just don't like to drink milk

I just don't like to drink milk without my cookies.

Without my cookies. Do I really have to?

Do I really have to? Well, if you want to be able

well, if you want to be able to throw the football like tad,

to throw the football like tad, you do, Timmy.

You do, Timmy. [ Sighs ]

[ Sighs ] I wish I was big like tad.

I wish I was big like tad. So do I, Timmy.

So do I, Timmy. So do I.

So do I. Uh...

Uh... So, you're kind of cute.

So, you're kind of cute. You know that?

You know that? That's just what my dad said.

That's just what my dad said. I'm sorry for the way I've

I'm sorry for the way I've been acting, Millie.

Been acting, Millie. I guess I've just been confused

I guess I've just been confused about some things.

About some things. [ Chuckles ]

[ Chuckles ] It's not hard to see that you

it's not hard to see that you have questions about your faith,

have questions about your faith, Jennifer.

Jennifer. It's only natural.

It's only natural. I just find it hard to

I just find it hard to believe that Christianity is the

believe that Christianity is the only answer.

Only answer. Well...

Well... You know, you'd be kind of

you know, you'd be kind of pretty if you didn't have such a

pretty if you didn't have such a horse face.

Horse face. But I have perky boobs.

But I have perky boobs. You do see my point, though,

you do see my point, though, don't you, Millie?

Don't you, Millie? I do.

I do. I see your point, Jennifer,

I see your point, Jennifer, but --

but -- let me give you an example.

Let me give you an example. Do you want to play with my

do you want to play with my pink, fuzzy one?

Pink, fuzzy one? Oh. [ Chuckles ]

Oh. [ Chuckles ] Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. I'm gonna go back to the cabin

I'm gonna go back to the cabin and grow one out, but, uh,

and grow one out, but, uh, maybe later, huh?

Maybe later, huh? Cool.

Cool. Okay.

Okay. Okay.

Okay. Bye.

Bye. Bye.

Bye. [ Chuckles ]

[ Chuckles ] He is so into me.

He is so into me. And then he dies.

And then he dies. Does he go to hell?

Does he go to hell? I don't know, Jennifer.

I don't know, Jennifer. I mean, why did Abraham have to

I mean, why did Abraham have to sacrifice Isaac?

Sacrifice Isaac? Why did Jesus have to be

why did Jesus have to be crucified by his people?

Crucified by his people? [ High-pitched voice ] Oh,

[ high-pitched voice ] Oh, Brittany, you're so pretty.

Brittany, you're so pretty. [ Normal voice ] I know.

[ Normal voice ] I know. [ Chuckles

[ chuckles beautiful day.

Beautiful day. [ Gasps ] Oh.

[ Gasps ] Oh. I wasn't playing with myself, I

I wasn't playing with myself, I swear.

Swear. [ Chuckles ]

[ Chuckles ] Well, maybe you'd like

well, maybe you'd like somebody to play with.

Somebody to play with. Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, I'm sorry. My daddy doesn't let me play

my daddy doesn't let me play with black boys.

With black boys. See ya.

See ya. [ Whimsical music plays ]

[ Whimsical music plays ] [ Music fades ]

[ Music fades ] [ Laughs ]

[ Laughs ] You girls looking for a third?

You girls looking for a third? I didn't know you were...It.

I didn't know you were...It. [ Laughing ]

[ Laughing ] [ Dramatic music plays ]

[ Sighs ] So, Vance, see you reading the

so, Vance, see you reading the Bible all the time.

Bible all the time. You must be a pretty stout

you must be a pretty stout Christian.

Christian. Yeah, well, I'm just trying

yeah, well, I'm just trying to find some loopholes in it.

To find some loopholes in it. Loopholes?

Loopholes? What's that?

What's that? Uh, you know, different

uh, you know, different things.

Things. Like what?

Like what? Like, right now?

Like, right now? Yeah?

Yeah? Um...

Um... Right now, I'm, uh...

Right now, I'm, uh... Just trying to find out what the

just trying to find out what the whole big deal was with sodomy.

Whole big deal was with sodomy. Salami?

Salami? Sodomy.

Sodomy. What's sodomy?

What's sodomy? [ Whimsical music plays ]

[ Whimsical music plays ] [ Voice cracking ] So...

[ Voice cracking ] So... [ Normal voice ] Brittany...

[ Normal voice ] Brittany... Do you have a boyfriend?

Do you have a boyfriend? [ Chuckling ] Oh, god's the

[ chuckling ] Oh, god's the only man in my life.

Only man in my life. Why? Did tad say something?

Why? Did tad say something? No.

No. [ Sighs ]

[ Sighs ] [ Scoffs ]

[ Scoffs ] [ Suspenseful music plays ]

[ Suspenseful music plays ] ♪ Jesus loves me

♪ Jesus loves me ♪ that I know

♪ that I know [ Laughs evilly ]

[ Laughs evilly ] [ Sighing ] Ah.

[ Sighing ] Ah. [ Music fades ]

[ Music fades ] There is definitely some

there is definitely some Jesus going on this weekend.

Jesus going on this weekend. Ooh, don't I know it!

Ooh, don't I know it! [ Chuckles ]

[ Chuckles ] So, do you really think

so, do you really think Brittany's easy?

Brittany's easy? God, I hope.

God, I hope. I mean, look, look, tad, she's a

I mean, look, look, tad, she's a very devout Christian.

Very devout Christian. I know, but I was thinking,

I know, but I was thinking, maybe I could make her think it

maybe I could make her think it was okay because I'm a

was okay because I'm a Christian, too.

Christian, too. The lord's cool with that,

the lord's cool with that, right?

Right? Right?

Right? I'm not sure we should be

I'm not sure we should be talking about this kind of

talking about this kind of stuff.

Stuff. I mean, if father Cummings

I mean, if father Cummings catches us, he'll have our...

Catches us, he'll have our... Literally.

Literally. You're not a father,

you're not a father, brother Zeke.

Brother Zeke. Come on, you're gonna tell me

come on, you're gonna tell me that you don't want to get with

that you don't want to get with Millie, huh?

Millie, huh? Or maybe that little freak

or maybe that little freak Jennifer just once this weekend?

Jennifer just once this weekend? Come on, just one time!

Come on, just one time! It's the perfect weekend.

It's the perfect weekend. No one's even gonna find out

no one's even gonna find out about it.

About it. It would be nice.

It would be nice. ...Right, it would.

...right, it would. So, what do we do?

So, what do we do? You mean, you got nothing?

You mean, you got nothing? No, that's why I'm asking

no, that's why I'm asking you.

You. [ Scoffs ]

[ Scoffs ] Look, man [Scoffs] here we go.

Look, man [Scoffs] here we go. I'll go back to the Van.

I'll go back to the Van. I'll run back to the

I'll run back to the cracker shack, and I'll pick up

cracker shack, and I'll pick up some beer and some rubbers.

Some beer and some rubbers. Rubbers?

Rubbers? What? What am I, a homosexual?

What? What am I, a homosexual? [ Whimsical music plays ]

[ Whimsical music plays ] I'm gonna have butt sex with

I'm gonna have butt sex with Brittany?

Brittany? I'm gonna get a.I.D.S.?

I'm gonna get a.I.D.S.? Is that what you're thinking?

Is that what you're thinking? Dude, you are a...Fool, man.

Dude, you are a...Fool, man. The last thing we need is a

the last thing we need is a couple of knocked-up Christian

couple of knocked-up Christian skanks!

Skanks! [ Chuckling ] Oh.

[ Chuckling ] Oh. Okay, totally.

Okay, totally. Totally.

Totally. But what's the beer for?

But what's the beer for? The beer, my good man...

The beer, my good man... Mm-hmm?

Mm-hmm? ...Is to loosen up the ladies

...is to loosen up the ladies a tad.

A tad. [ Chuckles ]

[ Chuckles ] Oh. [ Chuckles ]

Oh. [ Chuckles ] I smell you.

I smell you. To loosen up the ladies.

To loosen up the ladies. Right. I like that, I like that.

Right. I like that, I like that. All right, well, maybe you

all right, well, maybe you better take off before anyone

better take off before anyone realizes you're gone.

Realizes you're gone. Oh, oh, okay.

Oh, oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure. Uh, anything else I can get for

uh, anything else I can get for you, massa?

You, massa? No, just -- just get the --

no, just -- just get the -- just get the beer.

Just get the beer. [ Chuckles ]

[ Chuckles ] [ Sighs ]

[ Sighs ] Yeah, I definitely am growing

yeah, I definitely am growing something down here.

Something down here. And that's why they call me

and that's why they call me rad tad.

Rad tad. Ow!

Ow! Yeah!

Yeah! Tad.

Tad. [ Suspenseful music plays ]

[ Laughing evilly ] I am he lord's Shepherd.

I am he lord's Shepherd. [ Chuckles ]

[ Chuckles ] I shall not want!

[ Music intensifies ]

[ Thud ]

[ Moaning ]

[ Echoing ] "I am the one. I died.

I died. And behold, I am alive forever!"

And behold, I am alive forever!" I am the keeper of the key to

I am the keeper of the key to Hades and death!"

Hades and death!" I want to be a priest when I

I want to be a priest when I grow up.

You'll never be a priest. You'll be a girl, just like

you'll be a girl, just like that...Of a mother wanted you to

that...Of a mother wanted you to be!

Be! Oh!

Oh! [ Laughing evilly ]

[ Laughing evilly ] You're a girl!

You're a girl! No! [ Breathing heavily ]

No! [ Breathing heavily ] You're a girl.

You're a girl. No!

No! No!

No! [ Laughing evilly ]

[ Laughing evilly ] Ugh!

Ugh! [ Breathing heavily ]

[ Breathing heavily ] [ Moaning ]

[ Moaning ] [ Crickets chirping ]

[ Crickets chirping ] [ Music fades ]

[ Music fades ] So, there we are, 3 minutes

so, there we are, 3 minutes to go, 13 down.

To go, 13 down. Needless to say, two touchdowns

needless to say, two touchdowns later, I'm hold the state

later, I'm hold the state championship trophy.

Championship trophy. No way.

No way. Way.

Way. So, what position do you

so, what position do you play, again?

Play, again? Quarterback.

Quarterback. That's, like, the best one.

That's, like, the best one. Whatever.

Whatever. [ Scoffs ]

[ Scoffs ] Listen, I got brother Zeke to go

listen, I got brother Zeke to go down to the store and pick us up

down to the store and pick us up some brewskies.

Some brewskies. How'd you manage that?

How'd you manage that? Leave the details to me.

Leave the details to me. Well, is he gonna get any

well, is he gonna get any wine coolers?

Wine coolers? 'Cause, you know, Jesus is cool

'cause, you know, Jesus is cool with wine coolers.

With wine coolers. Well, you'll be drinking

well, you'll be drinking something.

Something. Yeah?

Yeah? Just meet me at the fire pit

just meet me at the fire pit at midnight.

At midnight. I'll be there.

I'll be there. But I got to warn you...

But I got to warn you... I get a little silly when I

I get a little silly when I drink.

Drink. So do I.

So do I. I'll see you at midnight...

I'll see you at midnight... Silly.

Silly. It's Brittany.

Tad? Hey! Father Cummings.

Hey! Father Cummings. What's up?

What's up? Uh, well, tad, we seem to be

uh, well, tad, we seem to be missing Zeke.

Missing Zeke. Have you seen him?

Have you seen him? Still?

Still? "Still"?

"Still"? Tad?

Tad? I -- I forgot to tell you.

I -- I forgot to tell you. Brother Zeke had to, uh...

Brother Zeke had to, uh... He had to go back to the general

he had to go back to the general store and pick up some, uh,

store and pick up some, uh, matches.

Matches. Matches?

Matches? [ Chuckles ]

[ Chuckles ] Oh, that's funny.

Oh, that's funny. We -- we have lots of matches,

we -- we have lots of matches, don't we?

Don't we? Hmm.

Hmm. I don't, uh, I don't know.

I don't, uh, I don't know. I -- that's just what he said.

I -- that's just what he said. Hmm.

Hmm. Well, I'll tell you what, tad.

Well, I'll tell you what, tad. Do us a favor and keep an eye

do us a favor and keep an eye out for him, all right?

Out for him, all right? Will do.

Will do. [ Chuckles ]

Brother Zeke. [ Footsteps approaching ]

[ Footsteps approaching ] Brother Zeke.

Brother Zeke. Zeke!

Zeke! Zeke!

Zeke! Getting on that holy high!

Getting on that holy high! [ Chuckles ]

[ Chuckles ] Zeke!

Zeke! [ Suspenseful music plays ]

[ Suspenseful music plays ] Zeke!

Zeke! Zeke?

Zeke? Zeke!

Zeke! Aah!

Aah! Aah!!

Aah!! [ Breathing heavily ]

[ Breathing heavily ] Holy...

Holy... Aah!

Aah! [ Dramatic music plays ]

[ Dramatic music plays ] Aah! Aah!

Aah! Aah! Aah!

Aah! Oh, yeah!

Oh, yeah! Oh!

Oh! Oh!

Oh! [ Breathing heavily ]

[ Breathing heavily ] Oh...

Oh... [ Laughing nervously ]

[ Laughing nervously ] [ Gasping ]

[ Gasping ] No!

No! Oh, god, no!

Oh, god, no! Aaah!

[ Rustling ]

[ Music fades ] [ Indistinct conversation

[ indistinct conversation in distance ]

In distance ] [ Sighs ]

[ Sighs ] You know, this weekend has

you know, this weekend has gone better than we could have

gone better than we could have ever imagined.

Ever imagined. [ Chuckles ]

[ Chuckles ] God has truly blessed this

god has truly blessed this weekend, Millie.

Weekend, Millie. He's blessed our bank account,

he's blessed our bank account, as well.

As well. We may actually be buying this

we may actually be buying this camp, after all.

Camp, after all. Uh, sorry, Millie, I don't

uh, sorry, Millie, I don't detect any enthusiasm on your

detect any enthusiasm on your part.

Part. [ Chuckles ]

[ Chuckles ] I'm sorry, father.

I'm sorry, father. It's been a long day.

It's been a long day. I'm just tired.

I'm just tired. Well, it is getting late.

Well, it is getting late. Hmm. Maybe you should turn in.

Hmm. Maybe you should turn in. I think I will.

I think I will. I'm gonna go check on the girls

I'm gonna go check on the girls first.

First. Good night, father.

Good night, father. Uh, don't -- don't forget to

uh, don't -- don't forget to say your prayers, okay?

Say your prayers, okay? [ Crickets chirping ]

Okay. Okay. Okay, okay.

Okay, okay. Okay.

Okay. [ Snoring ]

[ Snoring ] [ Music stops ]

[ Music stops ] [ Mouthing words ]

[ Mouthing words ] [ Stops snoring ]

[ Stops snoring ] What, Vance?

What, Vance? I'm trying to shut you up.

I'm trying to shut you up. You were snoring again.

You were snoring again. [ Whining ] No, I wasn't!

[ Whining ] No, I wasn't! Yes, you were.

Yes, you were. [ Scoffs ]

[ Scoffs ] I'm gonna go find a soda

I'm gonna go find a soda machine.

[ Suspenseful music plays ]

[ Crickets chirping ]

[ Footsteps approaching ] [ Fire crackling ]

[ Animal screeches ] [ Chuckling ]

[ Chuckling ] [ Inhaling sharply ]

[ Inhaling sharply ] [ Chuckling ]

[ Chuckling ] Oh, brother Zeke...

Oh, brother Zeke... [ Sighs ]

[ Sighs ] Some good...Bro.

Some good...Bro. [ Coughs ]

[ Coughs ] Yeah.

Yeah. Hmm.

[ Knock on door ] Uh... [ coughing ]

Uh... [ coughing ] Who's there?

Who's there? [ Sighing ] god.

[ Sighs ] [ Grunts ]

[ Grunts ] Aw.

Aw. [ Breathing heavily ]

[ Breathing heavily ] Oh.

Oh. [ Breathing heavily ]

Who are you? "I am the way."

"I am the way." Oh, my god!

Oh, my god! [ Slash ]

[ Slash ] Aah.

Aah. "I am the truth."

"I am the truth." [ Slash ]

[ Slash ] Ugh.

Ugh. Ugh.

Ugh. "And I am the life!"

"And I am the life!" [ Moaning ]

[ Moaning ] "Nobody comes unto the lord

"nobody comes unto the lord except through me"!

Except through me"! [ Gasping ]

[ Gasping ] [ Grunts ]

[ Grunts ] Ephesians 2:8.

Ephesians 2:8. [ Slash ]

[ Slash ] [ Dramatic music plays ]

[ Music fades ] Did I do something wrong?

Did I do something wrong? [ Sighs ]

[ Sighs ] [ Slaps leg ]

[ Slaps leg ] [ Sighs ]

[ Sighs ] Father Cummings, I forgot to

[ sighs ]

Hmm. Wonder if there's a cup.

Wonder if there's a cup. [ Drawer opens ]

[ Drawer opens ] [ Drawer closes ]

[ Drawer closes ] [ Drawer opens ]

[ Drawer opens ] [ Suspenseful music plays ]

[ Suspenseful music plays ] [ Sighs ]

[ Sighs ] [ Sighs ]

[ Music fades ] I hate boys.

I hate boys. I should just become a...Like

I should just become a...Like Millie.

[ Smooches ] At least I have you.

[ Sighs ] [ Sighs ]

Tad...Is that you? [ Dramatic music plays ]

[ Dramatic music plays ] [ Chuckles ]

[ Chuckles ] I knew you loved me.

I knew you loved me. So...

So... I learned about this thing

I learned about this thing today.

Today. It's called a loophole.

It's called a loophole. Have you heard of that?

Have you heard of that? I hadn't either.

I hadn't either. Anyway, Vance said it was a way,

anyway, Vance said it was a way, you know, to get around some of

you know, to get around some of the rules.

The rules. [ Chuckles ]

[ Chuckles ] So I was thinking, maybe we

so I was thinking, maybe we could do it in the butt.

Could do it in the butt. You think that might work?

You think that might work? I really don't think he'd mind.

Oh. Oh! Just go a little slow, okay?

Just go a little slow, okay? 'Cause -- oh!

'Cause -- oh! [ Chuckling ] tad.

[ Chuckling ] Tad. [ Gasps ] oh.

[ Gasps ] Oh. Tad?

Tad? Choke for Jesus, Salome.

Choke for Jesus, Salome. Aah! Aah!

Aah! Aah! [ Laughing evilly ]

[ Laughing evilly ] Aah!

Aah! [ Continues laughing evilly ]

[ Continues laughing evilly ] [ Stops laughing ]

[ Stops laughing ] [ Sighs ]

[ Sighs ] ♪ Jesus loves me

♪ Jesus loves me ♪ that I know

♪ that I know ♪ for the Bible tells me so

♪ for the Bible tells me so ♪ if you're good and say your

♪ if you're good and say your prayers ♪

prayers ♪ ♪ that's how you know Jesus

♪ that's how you know Jesus cares ♪

cares ♪ [ Chuckling ]

[ Music softens ]

Brittany?

Brittany?

[ Music intensifies ] Oh!

Oh! Oh, my god!

Oh, my god! [ Gasping ]

[ Gasping ] [ Music intensifies ]

[ Music intensifies ] [ Click ]

[ Click ] Oh, my god!

Oh, my god! What?

What? [ Breathing heavily ]

[ Breathing heavily ] We got to call the police!

We got to call the police! What's going on?

There's no phone! [ Muttering ]

[ Muttering ] [ Music softens ]

[ Music softens ] Your real name isn't even

your real name isn't even Millie?!

Millie?! Wait. Wait. Let me explain.

Wait. Wait. Let me explain. My real name is Gloria Esperanza

my real name is Gloria Esperanza Guadalupe El Campo.

Guadalupe El Campo. [ Scoffs ]

[ Scoffs ] You knew about this place the

you knew about this place the whole...Time!

Whole...Time! Who killed Brittany?!

Who killed Brittany?! [ Breathing heavily ]

[ Breathing heavily ] Talk...

Talk... All right, all right.

All right, all right. [ Music softens ]

[ Music softens ] I was here seven years ago as a

I was here seven years ago as a counselor, and this maniac

counselor, and this maniac showed up and started

showed up and started slaughtering everyone.

Slaughtering everyone. [ Sobs ]

[ Sobs ] Dwayne and I were the only ones

Dwayne and I were the only ones to survive.

To survive. [ Moaning ]

Thou shalt not... [ Music intensifies ]

[ Music intensifies ] [ Gasps ]

[ Gasps ] [ Thud ]

[ Thud ] Aaaah!

Aaaah! [ Slash ]

[ Slash ] [ Gasping ]

[ Crying ] I was so scared, I just took off running.

Just took off running. I didn't know what else to do.

I didn't know what else to do. I didn't even know what happened

I didn't even know what happened to him.

To him. [ Breathing heavily ]

[ Breathing heavily ] Until you saw him at the store?

Until you saw him at the store? Yes.

Yes. And then you couldn't go in?

And then you couldn't go in? God.

God. I mean, I couldn't face him

I mean, I couldn't face him after all these years.

After all these years. How could I, after leaving him

how could I, after leaving him all alone?

All alone? [ Sniffles ]

[ Sniffles ] I didn't want anything like

I didn't want anything like this to ever happen again.

This to ever happen again. Believe me, Jennifer...

Believe me, Jennifer... I never would have put you guys

I never would have put you guys in any danger.

In any danger. [ Sarcastically ] Yeah, well,

[ sarcastically ] Yeah, well, you're doing a real good job

you're doing a real good job of it...

Of it... [ Sighs ]

[ Sighs ] We got to find father Cummings.

We got to find father Cummings. [ Breathing heavily ]

[ Breathing heavily ] [ Music intensifies ]

[ Music intensifies ] [ Snoring ]

[ Snoring ] You're welcome.

You're welcome. [ Snores ]

[ Snores ] Hmm.

Hmm. [ Smacking lips ]

[ Smacking lips ] Whoa!

Whoa! Where is Dwayne?

Where is Dwayne? [ Gasps ] I don't know!

[ Gasps ] I don't know! If he went to that Christian

if he went to that Christian camp, it's your...

Camp, it's your... [ Whimpers ]

[ Whimpers ] Where's Dwayne?!

Where's Dwayne?! I don't know!

I don't know! [ Grunts ]

[ Grunts ] [ Gasps ]

[ Gasps ] Come on, where's Dwayne?

Come on, where's Dwayne? I don't know, I swear.

I don't know, I swear. Where's Dwayne?

Where's Dwayne? I don't know!

I don't know! Where's Dwayne?!

Where's Dwayne?! [ Grunting ]

[ Grunting ] God...It.

God...It. [ Crying ]

[ Crying ] I'm gonna go call the

I'm gonna go call the sheriff.

Sheriff. What are you gonna do?

What are you gonna do? What do you think I'm

gonna do? [ Sobbing ]

[ Sobbing ] I'm gonna save the day.

I'm gonna save the day. No.

No. ...Nut.

...nut. Come on.

Come on. [ Music fades ]

[ Music fades ] [ Sighs ]

[ Sighs ] [ Gasps ]

[ Gasps ] [ Dramatic music plays ]

[ Dramatic music plays ] What's going on?

What's going on? Has anyone seen a soda machine

has anyone seen a soda machine around here?

Around here? Oh...

Oh... You can't say...

You can't say... [ Chuckling ]

[ Sobbing loudly ]

Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah!

Aah! [ Gasps ]

[ Gasps ] Aaaah!

Aaaah! Aaaah!

[ Breathing heavily ]

[ Grunting ] [ Chuckling ]

Ugh! [ Thud ]

[ Thud ] [ Whimsical music plays ]

[ Whimsical music plays ] [ Dramatic music plays ]

[ Dramatic music plays ] [ Breathing heavily ]

[ Breathing heavily ] [ Gasps ]

[ Gasps ] Aaaaah!

Aaaaah! Aaaaah!

Aaaaah! "For god so loved the world,

"for god so loved the world, he gave his only begotten son,

he gave his only begotten son, that whoever believeth in him

that whoever believeth in him shall not die, but have

shall not die, but have everlasting life."

Everlasting life." Or not.

Or not. [ Slash ]

[ Slash ] [ Moaning ]

[ Moaning ] [ Gasping ]

[ Gasping ] Aaaah!

Aaaah! Aaaah!

Aaaah! [ Laughing evilly ]

[ Laughing evilly ] Hail Mary, full of grace.

Hail Mary, full of grace. Our lord is with thee.

Our lord is with thee. Hail Mary, full of grace.

Hail Mary, full of grace. Our lord is with thee.

Our lord is with thee. Aaaah.

Aaaah. [ Dramatic music continues ]

[ Dramatic music continues ] Aaaaah!

Aaaaah! Aah!

Aah! [ Thud ]

[ Thud ] [ Gasping ]

[ Music intensifies ] [ Breathing heavily ]

[ Breathing heavily ] [ Gasps ] Oh! Oh!

[ Gasps ] Oh! Oh! Oh, god!

Oh, god! Help me. Help me.

Help me. Help me. Aah!

Aah! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Ugh.

Ugh. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh, my god!

Oh! Oh, my god! Help me.

Help me. Aah!

Aah! Help me.

Help me. Aah!

Aah! Help.

Help. Aah! Aah!

Aah! Aah! [ Moaning ]

[ Moaning ] Aah!

Aah! Ugh!

Ugh! Aah!

Aah! [ Whimpering ]

[ Whimpering ] No! No! No!

No! No! No! No! No! No!

[ Breathing heavily ]

...let me in. [ Breathing heavily ]

[ Breathing heavily ] [ Music softens ]

[ Music softens ] [ Sobbing ]

Oh, please. Oh, please.

Oh, please. [ Sobs ]

[ Sobs ] Our father, who art in heaven

our father, who art in heaven [Sobs] hallowed be thy name;

[sobs] Hallowed be thy name; [Sobs] Thy kingdom come,

[sobs] Thy kingdom come, [Sobs] Thy will be done,

[sobs] Thy will be done, [Sobs] On earth as it is in

[sobs] On earth as it is in heaven.

Heaven. [ Sobs ]

[ Sobs ] Give us this day our daily

give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our

bread, and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those

trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.

Who trespass against us. [ Sobs ]

[ Sobs ] Lead us not into temptation

lead us not into temptation [Sobs] but deliver us from evil.

[Sobs] But deliver us from evil. [ Sobs ]

[ Sobs ] Thine is the kingdom and the

thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever.

Power and the glory forever. [ Sobs ]

[ Sobs ] Amen.

Amen. [ Suspenseful music plays ]

[ Suspenseful music plays ] [ Sobs ]

[ Sobs ] Aaaaah!

Aaaaah! Aaaah!

My child... Oh...My Jesus.

Oh...My Jesus. [ Sniffles ]

[ Sniffles ] Please forgive me.

Please forgive me. You can be a butt slammer,

you can be a butt slammer, turd burglar...Smoker,

turd burglar...Smoker, baloney pony rider and still

baloney pony rider and still have the kingdom of god.

Have the kingdom of god. You could be a practicing

you could be a practicing homosexual and believe in the

homosexual and believe in the lord above.

Lord above. It's not a problem.

It's not a problem. But you don't understand.

But you don't understand. [ Sniffles ]

[ Sniffles ] I knew about this place, and I

I knew about this place, and I knew what happened.

Knew what happened. [ Sniffles ]

[ Sniffles ] [ Sighs ]

[ Sighs ] Still, I brought the kids up

still, I brought the kids up here.

Here. [ Sniffles ] I'm responsible.

[ Sniffles ] I'm responsible. Now, that, we have a problem

now, that, we have a problem with, you little homo.

With, you little homo. That, we can't forgive.

That, we can't forgive. Mnh-mnh.

Mnh-mnh. [ Sniffles ]

Save...This...Camp. [ Chuckles ]

[ Chuckles ] Go kick the sister's...

Go kick the sister's... [ Chuckles ]

[ Chuckles ] Ah.

Ah. Hot dog!

Hot dog! There goes another disciple.

There goes another disciple. I love the Jesus business.

I love the Jesus business. [ Breathing heavily ]

Oh! [ Gasps ] Oh!

[ Gasps ] Aah! Aah!

Aah! Aah! Aaaah!

Aaaah! Aah! Aah! Aah!

Aah! Aah! Aah! No!

No! [ Breathing heavily ]

[ Breathing heavily ] [ Gasps ]

[ Gasps ] Where's Dwayne?

Where's Dwayne? Holy...

[ Grunts ] [ Breathing heavily ]

You should get down on your knees and start asking for

knees and start asking for forgiveness.

Forgiveness. Stealing is a sin.

Stealing is a sin. [ Laughing evilly ]

[ Laughing evilly ] That's one big...

That's one big... [ Continues laughing ]

[ Continues laughing ] [ Gasping ]

[ Gasping ] Dwayne?

Dwayne? Hold on, baby.

Hold on, baby. You trannies don't scare me.

You trannies don't scare me. [ Crying ]

[ Crying ] I've been a naughty girl.

I've been a naughty girl. [ Sobbing ]

[ Sobbing ] You're like a girl!

You're like a girl! No!

No! [ Laughing evilly ]

[ Laughing evilly ] [ Laughing evilly ]

[ Laughing evilly ] Revelation 12:12.

Revelation 12:12. [ Laughs ]

[ Laughs ] "Woe to the earth and the sea,

"woe to the earth and the sea, for the devil has come to live

for the devil has come to live among thee."

Among thee." [ Laughs ]

[ Laughs ] [ Crying ]

[ Crying ] Ugh!

Ugh! [ Sighs ]

[ Sighs ] "For he is full of rage and

"for he is full of rage and fury because his time on earth

fury because his time on earth is short!"

Is short!" [ Music intensifies ]

[ Music intensifies ] [ Breathing heavily ]

[ Breathing heavily ] You...

You... Cannot tell me...

Cannot tell me... Who I am!

Who I am! [ Scoffing ] Oh.

[ Scoffing ] Oh. Ah.

Ah. [ Growling ]

[ Growling ] [ Gurgling ]

[ Gurgling ] [ Gasping ]

[ Gasping ] [ Grunts ]

Ugh. Ouch.

Ouch. Aah!

Aah! Please, god, do something!

Please, god, do something! [ Music intensifies ]

The wrath of god is upon thee. Deuteronomy 7...

Deuteronomy 7... Something.

Ugh. Hyah, hyah.

Hyah, hyah. [ Chuckling evilly ]

[ Chuckling evilly ] [ Grunts ]

[ Grunts ] [ Dramatic music plays ]

[ Dramatic music plays ] [ Growls ]

[ Growls ] You got hell to pay, sister.

You got hell to pay, sister. Hyah!

Hyah! [ Thud ]

[ Thud ] [ Music intensifies ]

[ Music intensifies ] [ Breathing heavily ]

[ Breathing heavily ] [ Whimpering ]

[ Whimpering ] Hyah.

Hyah. [ Grunting ]

[ Grunting ] [ Growls ]

[ Growls ] Oh, boy!

Oh, boy! [ Giggling evilly ]

[ Giggling evilly ] Aaaah.

Aaaah. Aaah.

[ Harmonica plays "amazing grace" ]

Well, guess you all learned a very valuable lesson this

very valuable lesson this weekend.

Weekend. I never doubted you for a

I never doubted you for a minute.

Minute. Holy...

Holy... I can't believe it's you!

I can't believe it's you! Well, maybe you should

well, maybe you should believe so you'd stop all

believe so you'd stop all your...

Your... Why do you guys like camping

why do you guys like camping anyway?

Anyway? You know, back in the old days,

you know, back in the old days, me and the disciples used to go

me and the disciples used to go camping around Jerusalem.

Camping around Jerusalem. Too many snakes.

Too many snakes. Give me a nice hotel [Pops] and

give me a nice hotel [Pops] and room service.

Room service. [ Chuckles ]

[ Chuckles ] God bless you all.

God bless you all. "Saints go marching in."

"Saints go marching in." [ Harmonica plays "when

[ harmonica plays "when the saints go marching in" ]

Wait! [ Whimpering ] Your hand.

Your hand. J.J.?

J.J.? Dwayne?

Dwayne? Are you taking them with you?

Are you taking them with you? No. They don't qualify.

No. They don't qualify. What?!

What?! Come on! I'm just kidding.

Come on! I'm just kidding. Lighten up.

Lighten up. Heaven is for everyone.

Heaven is for everyone. [ Crying ] Oh.

[ Crying ] Oh. Except you.

Except you. [ Drum plays up-tempo

[ drum plays up-tempo rock 'n' roll ]

Rock 'n' roll ] [ The smoking vaginas' "when the

[ mouthing words ]

♪ oh, when the saints go marching in ♪

go marching in ♪ ♪ oh, when the saints

♪ oh, when the saints go

go marching in ♪

marching in ♪ ♪ I want to be in that number

♪ I want to be in that number ♪ when the saints

♪ when the saints go marching in ♪

♪ oh, when the moon turns red with blood ♪

with blood ♪ ♪ oh, when the moon turns red

♪ oh, when the moon turns red with blood ♪

with blood ♪ ♪ I want to be in that number

♪ I want to be in that number ♪ when the saints

♪ when the saints go marching in ♪

♪ oh, when the trumpet sounds its call for you ♪

its call for you ♪ ♪ oh, when the trumpet sounds,

♪ oh, when the trumpet sounds, ♪ lord, how I want to be here

♪ lord, how I want to be here with you ♪

with you ♪ ♪ with you

♪ with you ♪ oh, oh

♪ oh, oh ♪ with you

♪ with you ♪ some say this world of

♪ some say this world of trouble ♪

trouble ♪ ♪ is the only one we need

♪ is the only one we need ♪ but I'm waiting for that

♪ but I'm waiting for that morning ♪

morning ♪ ♪ when the new world's

♪ when the new world's revealed ♪

revealed ♪ ♪ revealed

♪ revealed ♪ oh, oh

♪ oh, oh ♪ revealed

♪ revealed ♪ oh, oh

♪ oh, oh ♪ revealed

♪ revealed ♪ revealed

♪ revealed ♪ revealed

♪ revealed ♪ revea-ea-led

♪ revea-ea-led [ Discordant instrumental music

[ soft music plays ] [ Chuckling ]

[ Chuckling ] [ Laughing ]

[ Laughing ] [ Sighs ]

[ Sighs ] Father Cummings, are you

father Cummings, are you coming?

Coming? [ Breathing heavily ]

[ Breathing heavily ] [ Sighs ]

[ Sighs ] ...Of a weekend.

...of a weekend. [ Chuckling ]

[ Chuckling ] ...Of a weekend.

...of a weekend. [ Chuckles ]

[ Suspenseful music plays ]

Tad? Tad?

Tad? I don't think I'm a virgin

I don't think I'm a virgin anymore.

Anymore. But I kind of liked it.

But I kind of liked it. ♪ but I'm waiting for that

♪ but I'm waiting for that morning ♪

morning ♪ ♪ when the new world's

♪ when the new world's revealed ♪

revealed ♪ ♪ revealed

♪ revealed ♪ oh, oh

♪ oh, oh ♪ revealed

♪ revealed ♪ oh, oh

♪ oh, oh ♪ revealed

♪ revealed ♪ revealed

♪ revealed ♪ revealed

♪ revealed ♪ revea-ea-led

♪ revea-ea-led [ Discordant instrumental music

[ mid-tempo music plays ]

♪ oh, when the rich ♪ go out and work

♪ go out and work ♪ oh, when the rich go out and

♪ oh, when the rich go out and work ♪

work ♪ ♪ I want to be in that number

♪ I want to be in that number ♪ when the saints

♪ when the saints go marching in ♪

go marching in ♪ ♪ oh, when the saints

♪ oh, when the saints ♪ oh, when the saints

♪ oh, when the saints ♪ go marching in

♪ go marching in ♪ go marching in

♪ go marching in ♪ oh, when the saints

♪ oh, when the saints go marching in ♪

go marching in ♪ ♪ I want to be in that number

♪ I want to be in that number ♪ when the saints

all right! [ Drums play marching beat ]

♪ oh, when the saints go marching in ♪

go marching in ♪ ♪ oh, when those saints

♪ oh, when those saints come marching in ♪

come marching in ♪ ♪ there's gonna be a...Riot

♪ there's gonna be a...Riot ♪ oh, when the saints

♪ oh, when the saints come marching in ♪

come marching in ♪ [ Laughs ]

[ Laughs ] [ Cheers and applause ]

[ Cheers and applause ] Rock this thing.

Rock this thing. Oh, yeah!

Oh, yeah! ♪ when the saints

♪ when the saints come marching in ♪

come marching in ♪ ♪ when the saints

♪ when the saints go marching in ♪

go marching in ♪ ♪ when the saints