Original subtitles

This is the town of Huxton.

Not an important place like New York or Chicago.

Just a small town.

There's never much excitement in Huxton,

except for a dance at the firehouse or a wedding

But a few days ago December 7th, there was plenty of excitement.

That day Charlie Beaugart the Barber was so excited he nicked three chins and one adam's apple.

This little fella just got shaved.

His name is Middling. Eustace Middling.

He's a newcomer to Huxton, only been in town a few days.

Now, here's an old timer.

Hello Capt. Biddle.

Principal of the high school.

Kicked me out of school once. Had it coming though.

That's the town paper.

Fellow at the desk is the editor, Dan Madison, busiest man in town.

Just been appointed head of Civilian Defence for Huxton.

There's Peggy Parker, she's Dan's star reporter.

Now, don't get any funny notions...

They're engaged!

Everybody likes Peggy.

On the other hand, there's J. P. Norton, president of the bank.

He'd lend you money on most anything except his wife

Why should he be left holding the bag.

Good morning Mr. Norton.

And good morning to you Mrs. Norton.

They're a very happy couple.

J. P. worship's the ground her grandfather discovered oil on.

And speaking of couples, come on over here...

Went to school with these boys,

long before they became successful.

Come to think of it, I did hear they went into another business...

Oh yeah! Pet shop.

They ought to do well in this business...

Moved again!

Must be the gypsy in them.

Excuse me? Could you tell me where I could find Laurel and Hardy?

Thank you, kindly.

Well, we caught up with them at last.

Funny locking up in the middle of the day?

First volunteers out of Huxton.

Going off to the city to enlist,

and they won't take no for an answer!

Take a look at them Uncle Sam, what do you think?

NO!

And then...

Could we please be sailors?

NO!

And finally, maybe we could be marines?

NO!!

But did that discourage them?

It certainly did!

I'm awfully sorry, Mr. Norton

Oh it's you.

I might have known!

It couldn't be that you've come back to town to pay your debts?

Why, we'd be glad to, if you would allow us to negotiate a slight loan?

A loan!

You two blundering failures...

More money from me for your stupid inefficient bungling.

And another thing...

Good day!

- Hello boys. - Hello Peggy

Oh, hello fellas. I thought you'd gone to enlist?

Uncle Sam didn't want us.

That's too bad... Better luck next time.

Poor guys.

They feel terrible.

Yeah, it's a tough break

Dan, why don't you let them help us?

Say, that's an idea.

Hey, boys?

Come here!

Look fellas, Uncle Sam wants everybody.

There's plenty to be done right here on the home front.

Why, I have a job for you...

Here. Paste up these posters.

- Where? - Everywhere.

We're having a big meeting tonight in the high school gym.

- What for? - The War effort!

That's right. There's a job to be done right here, at home.

Come on Stanley. We'll fix it!

How do you do?

What's going on here?

Bicycle shop moving out, radio shop moving in.

Why?

Why?

Just a minute my good man. You can't do this.

I would like to see somebody stop me!

Oh no you don't. You can't take this bicycle.

It's our property and you will not...

You can't interfere with it... Give it to me, sir!

No sir... You can't do this... You... You!

Gentlemen!

Why, this is outrageous!

What are you doing in my shop?

- Your shop? - Yes.

- It's our shop! - It certainly is.

And we have Mr. Norton's dispossessed notice to prove it.

Why, I just signed the lease for this place.

They told me the former occupants are now in the army.

They were among the first to volunteer.

Brave gentlemen.

I salute them, sirs.

- He's talking about us! - That's right. Pardon me, sir.

I'm Mr. Hardy and this is my partner, Mr. Laurel.

And... we're not in the army.

No and we want our store back!

Oh well, now that's different. Now let me think... Let me think...

Let me think...

Let HIM think!

I sell radios, you sell bicycles.

I don't really need all this space...

And in times like these we must all pull together.

- Why don't we share the store? - It's a deal!

Laurel and Hardy, Bicycles, Burglar Alarms, Locks and Keys.

- And Radios! - That's right, sir.

- We welcome you to the firm. - Thank you, sir.

- Thank you, sir. - Thank you.

But right now we have some work to do for Uncle Sam.

Come Stanley.

- Thank you. - Goodbye!

And as for you, when I return I'd like to see everyone of those bicycles back in this shop.

In their proper place.

I'll see ya at the back door.

Hello, Heydrich?

Well, I've occupied the shop.

And I have a couple of partners.

Partners?

Your orders were to establish yourself as patriotic respectable American.

You can't have partners on this assignment.

Don't get so excited.

Wait until you see them.

They're a wonderful front.

We'll go down the street.

We'll put them on both sides.

So they can see them coming and going.

Are you putting that one on upside... Down?

Look at my dress? You've ruined my new dress!

Wasn't me, lady. It was him.

What are you supposed to doing anyway?

Well, we're putting up bills for the gym tonight.

Oh the idea, really.

Maybe I can help you clean...

Oh, thank you! Good day!

We're all here because we want to be here. We're here as volunteers.

As men and women who come of our own free wills

to do what we can to protect the things we all hold dear.

The new magnesium plant being built here at the edge of town,

goes into operation in the next two months supplying a vital war product.

Now the enemy will want to stop this supply.

This makes Huxton a defence area just the same as if we were on the fighting front.

And we've got to protect.

Not only the plant, but the homes and lives of it's workers.

Now, the first thing we have to do is get organised.

So I would now like to announce the appointments of the heads of our various units.

First, as chief of the Air Raid Warden Service,

Captain Biddle.

Will you come on? We're 20 minutes late now!

You can't take that dog in here.

I didn't ask him to come in. I just gave him a piece of popcorn.

Well, put that stuff away.

Go on dog... Shh... Get out! Go home!

I'll see ya when we come out

- Go get it, now... - Go get it...

As leader of Women's Auxiliary, I appoint Mrs. J. P. Norton.

My friends... Thank you.

I shall devote myself to the trust that you all have placed in me.

I am now serving as president of the women's club,

and have many social duties as wife of the city's leading banker.

Take your shoes off.

I can't. I got a hole in my sock.

Take 'em off.

And I shall thus I bring to the task not only my enthusiasm but my experience in leadership.

Leadership, is as I have often told our ladies, is all important.

With strong leaders we succeed...

With weak leaders we fail.

I can assure you that under my leadership the ladies of Huxton will succeed...

As I was saying...

It's my rheumatism

As I was saying...

all those that are worthy.

And that... And that...

I shall speak to the ladies when we have our OWN meeting.

Thank you Mrs. Norton.

Now, there isn't very much more I can say except to thank you for your interest.

And before we close the meeting are there any questions?

Mr. Madison.

Mr. Norton.

I have a little to add to what has been said.

This service should with the strictest efficiency.

Perfection is the key to success.

Without it you are locked in the chamber of failure.

As president of the Huxton Savings Bank,

I am often called upon for advice and counsel in forming new organisations.

As a boy, my mother gave me one golden word. Perfection.

On this I have built my career

Take this as your foundation and nothing can ever upset you.

There have been several questions about equipment.

Now, for the time being we'll have to get along with these home made arm bands.

Regulation equipment has been promised us soon

but until it arrives, I can only ask your patience.

Now, tonight we're going to have a little practical experience in first aid.

You're going to be sent out in teams to various places where you will find victims.

Other wardens have volunteered to act as these victims.

Alright Captain, you can give the men their instructions.

You will render first aid and if necessary call an ambulance,

from the nearest emergency dressing station.

Listen!

Now, let's make a perfect showing and put into practice all we've learned in these lectures.

Any questions?

No

OK. Get going.

Do you think we were wise giving Laurel and Hardy a job like this?

Don't worry.

I sent them down to 5th and Elm. The policeman on the corner has a sliver in his finger.

Splinter in a finger. Let's see that slip.

That's what it says. Report to policeman at 5th and Elm.

OK boys, get going.

111 Main Street

Hey! You can't go in there. That place is a blazing inferno of flames and smoke.

Well, one false step might mean sudden death! It says here.

Well what do we do if it's burning...

We'll crawl in!

How are we going to crawl if...

Get down on your knees and quit arguing.

Get down!

How do you do, Mr. Norton?

Careful Mr. Norton this place is on fire.

Yes. We've come to rescue you.

That's just what I was afraid of.

All right. Let's get started boys.

Yes sir.

Fractured right arm, fractured right leg,

possible jaw fracture, burns on the face.

- You'd better lie down, Mr. Norton. - We'll fix you up right away.

Gentlemen, I want to cooperate but are you sure this is the place you were sent to?

Oh why, certainly, I've got our orders right on a piece of paper.

- Show them to him, Ollie. - Just a second.

We wouldn't come here without orders, you know. We certainly...

I've lost it!

You'd better call headquarters to be sure.

- Pardon us, Mr. Norton. Come Stanley. - We'll be right back.

Look, he changed his mind.

I thought he would.

Thanks for cooperating, Mr. Norton.

That's the spirit.

Get me that plank.

Why don't you watch what you're doing! Put that plank down.

Now, pull him over... Easy now. Easy... Easy... That's it.

Now, let's see... Fractured back. Raise that plank

How do you feel?

- I feel swell. - Good!

Not you!

How do you feel, Mr. Norton?

You'd better ask him. He's mad at me.

How do you feel, Mr. Norton?

He's mad at me too.

What'll we do now?

Let's see.

Burns on the face. Get some grease.

- I haven�t got any grease. - Well, look for some.

- What kind of grease? - Oh... Any kind!

Grease.

Put it on the face. Not mine! His!

That's alright, Mr. Norton. Won't be long now.

Everything is just fine.

Now that's fine, Stanley.

- Give me a hand now. - Yes.

Help me lift it up.

Alright. One, two, three...

We'll simplify this.

Now, when I lift him up, slide the dolly under him.

That's it.

Now we'll push him.

Hey! Get me something to wipe my hand.

Get me out of here... Get me out of here!

Come on, Stanley.

We're doing our best, Mr. Norton.

He's stuck! What are we going to do?

Pull the truck up and I'll hold him. Hurry up!

Don't worry, Mr. Norton. We'll have you out in a jiffy!

Get me out of here!

It's OK, sir. Everything will be fine now!

Where am I?

Hurry up, Stanley.

Millicent, hurry up. I'm freezing.

Yes, yes, dear... I'm coming.

Here, poor darling. This'll make you nice and comfy.

Look out. That's where the truck hit me.

Take this thing away.

Yes?

Mr. Madison is here.

- Show him in. - Hello, Dan.

I just missed you at the dressing station. Are you alright?

I will be. I hope.

What I don't understand is why a man in Mr. Norton's position, had to be their victim?

It seems to me that...

Millicent, please! I volunteered to be a victim.

I certainly never thought I'd fall in the hands of those idiots.

I'd rather fight Japs bare handed.

There was a mistake somewhere.

You were supposed to be Hawley and Ryan's victim. I'm terribly sorry.

You should be.

Madison, you've got to get rid of those misfits!

I just talked to them this, Mr. Norton, and they're awfully broken up about this.

I'm sure it was an accident.

They're both accidents. With those men we can never achieve perfection.

Oh yes, we will. We're getting better all the time. We won't make the same mistakes twice.

I hope not.

Look, Mr. Norton... Why are you doing this work?

Why... Why? To serve my country!

Well, that's their idea too. You wouldn't deny them that, would you?

Well...

They deserve another chance, don't you think?

Oh... Alright.

Fine. A good night's sleep will cool you off. Good night, Mrs. Norton.

Good night, Dan.

Cool me off! Cool me off!

We're going over to the meeting to get our equipment.

Are you coming, Mr. Middling?

- I'll be over in a little while. - OK.

- Are we going to get helmets and everything? - That's what he said.

- Geep... And gas masks? - That's right.

- And whist-les? - Of course whits-les.

One helmet, one new arm band, one gas mask and one whistle.

Be sure to sign a receipt for your equipment, men.

Come on boys, boys...

Not an X. Sign your name.

Take that thing off!

And get that whistle out of your mouth!

Now go to sleep.

Take that off!

And will you go to sleep, please?

See who that is.

Well... Who was it?

It was the telephone.

Oh... Telephone?

Laurel and Hardy... Bicycles, Burglar Alarms, Locks and Keys.

Biddle calling. Blue alert. Proceed to your posts. Standby for the red.

We're on our way. Good gracious...

Blue alert. Come on get dressed. We've got to get right on duty right away.

Oh... Put that whistle down and get dressed!

Red Alert!

Red Alert!

- Sound the all clear. - Yes sir.

Not the whistle. Ring the bell.

Well, if it isn't the boys from the bicycle shop.

And what are you looking for? Trouble I hope!

Oh, no, no... No trouble. Will you please put your lights out, sir.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

- He was very nice, wasn't he? - Well, that's that.

If you don't stop ringing that bell I'm going to throw him in your face.

Nevertheless, sir, I must insist that you turn your lights off,

and if not, would you mind pulling down your shades.

Would you like to pull them down for me?

Oh, I'd be glad to. It would be quite a pleasure, sir.

People across the street are signalling to the Japs.

Right away!

Not here.

We received a complaint.

Take a look under that cover.

Couple of mugs come in here and tried to wreck the joint.

Smells like a gin mill.

Drunk!

Alright, Peggy. You can send them in.

Wait a minute.

Those boys told you they never took a drink in their whole lives.

And I'm not going to sit here and watch you crucify them.

Just a moment, Miss Parker.

They've had their hearing and the verdict is conclusive.

Oh, but, Dan, you can't throw them out.

I'm sorry, Peggy, but I have no choice.

Well, you'll have to do it without me.

They want you inside, boys.

Boys, I... I hate to do this.

But I'll have to ask you to turn in your equipment.

Why, Mr. Madison, surely you don't believe we were drunk last night?

I'm sorry. The decision has been made. It's for the good of the service.

Do you mean it would be better without us?

You, men, have caused nothing but trouble.

First you wrecked the gymnasium. Then you wrecked me.

And now drunk!

Well... You know best.

When we... We couldn't get in the army or the navy.

Mr. Madison told us that we could do this kind of work.

And it made us happy.

We tried hard.

But I guess we're not smart... like other people.

But... if we can do something for our country,

by not doing this work, we'll do that too.

We'll do anything that Uncle Sam wants us to do.

Won't we, Ollie?

Thank you, boys. That's...

Take your equipment to Charlie Beaugart.

Two helmets.

Two gas masks.

Two arm bands.

Two identification cards.

And two whistles.

That's all, boys.

May I have your attention men? I have an important announcement to make.

Tomorrow afternoon, Major Scanlon of the United States Office of Civilian Defence,

will stop over in Huxton to inspect our organisation.

Therefore, in order to give him a demonstration of our efficiency,

we're going to stage an incident drill for him.

Now it will include all possible kinds of disasters.

Incendiary bombs, demolition bombs and gas bombs.

Which will naturally result in casualties, fires, broken water mains and so forth.

Just as in an actual war time emergency.

Now, in addition, promptly at 5 o'clock,

Major Scanlon will give us a surprise incident.

None of us will know what this incident is except the one man who will assist the Major.

How about you, Mr. Norton? Will you take that assignment?

- With pleasure, Madison. - OK, Mr. Norton.

5 o'clock, tomorrow afternoon. And remember. Until then, not a word to anybody!

Now this is our chance, men. Are we going to make good?

Yes!

Ollie?

What, Stanley?

Let's go to the park and feed the birds.

Better than sitting in this alley.

I don't feel like seeing any birds today. Do you?

Would you like me to read you the funnies? Maybe that would make you feel better.

I'll go get 'em.

Ollie... Burglars!

- I don't want any. - Don't want...

Burglars!

Stanley, I think they are spies.

Maybe we'd better tell Dan Madison.

No one would believe us.

We'd better make sure. We'll follow them.

Got a cigarette?

No. We'd better get some.

Let's hide in the back of their car.

Hello, Major. Dan.

Mr. and Mrs. Norton... Major Scanlon.

Glad to meet you, sir. Welcome to Huxton.

Thank you, sir.

I'll be back in time to take you to the control centre, Major.

Thanks. I'll be ready.

Goodbye.

Dan?

Now, Mr. Norton, I'd like you to check this incident

from the viewpoint of your local facilities.

Well, you see, I worked out a little incident of my own.

I thought, at least, you might like to consider it.

J.P. has been working on it all day.

Alright. Where is it?

Mr. Norton's like a little boy. Let's his imagination run away with him.

I'll leave you, men, to your military secrets.

This is fine, Mr. Norton. Just as good as mine.

Needs a few corrections but we'll use it.

This is a job for the detectives.

Maybe we should turn it over to FHA.

This must be the hide in.

Hide out! Come on.

If we can get through that window we can find out what they're up to.

What was that? I heard a noise.

Shutter slammed, I guess.

Gesundheit!

I didn't sneeze!

Well, somebody did.

Gentlemen.

You all know Herr Middlehause.

Jawohl!

Middlehause? Why that's Middling! He's a spy!

For two months we've been trying to work out a plan to destroy the new magnesium plant.

And gentlemen, our two months have not been in vain.

Herr Middlehause has given me the information that makes all possible.

Listen carefully.

At 5 o'clock this afternoon, or in exactly 43 minutes,

the civilian defenders of Huxton will take part in a practice war incident.

And while they're doing that, we will give them a real incident.

We will blow the magnesium plant to bits.

The moment is made to order for us.

Sunday, no construction workers at the plant and everyone in town engaged playing war elsewhere.

You've done a good job, Herr Middlehause.

You'll hear from us soon.

Now go on back to Huxton and go about your business.

Gentlemen, are we ready?

What'll we do?

We've got to stop those guys. We'll warn Dan.

That's a good idea.

No, no, no, no, no... Out the window.

Now, how are we going to get word to Dan?

Let's call him up. We'll tell him right away.

Put that down. That's a radio.

- What's this for? - A carrier pigeon.

Lock that door.

Get that pigeon.

Listen!

Dear Dan.

We are trapped on the 2nd floor of the Moonbeam Inn on highway 51.

The place is a nest of Nazi spies.

They're going to blow up the magnesium plant at 5 o'clock.

Bring help at once. We mean it. Urgent.

With fondest regards, yours truly, Laurel and Hardy, ex air raid wardens.

How's that?

You've got to get up early in the morning to fool us!

Throw it out the window.

Does it know where to go?

Now, pigeon, you go straight to Huxton.

Yeah, and find Mr. Madison. He's the editor of the paper.

That's one of our pigeons.

We have enemies in this house watching us. Come on.

- Who's there? - It's Dan!

We're rescued. Give me the key.

I gave it to you. When you were writing over there.

I don't remember.

I'm sure that you... Just a minute, Dan. Be right with you!

I tell you... You did not give me the...

So sorry, gentlemen. We leave for the plant immediately.

Heydrich, you take care of our friends here.

When?

At your pleasure of course. Come.

- Well, goodbye. - Freeze!

Hey you!

No... You!

Stop.

No!

Put that apple on his head.

Yeah.

Go ahead!

Now come here!

Turn around.

Here. Now, shoot that apple off his head.

I don't want to...

Go ahead. No monkey business.

- He's my pal... - Go ahead!

Goodbye, Ollie.

Heil Hitler!

Quick, the gun!

Get the wire. We'll tie him up.

- Just like Mr. Norton. - That's right.

- Now he does look like Mr. Norton. - Yes.

Oh... 4:25... We'd better get going.

Will you fix that thing!

Thank you.

Let that alone.

What's the matter?

I got something in my eye. Take the wheel.

Give me that!

Now look what you've done!

Get your hands off of that!

Come on and help me push this thing up the hill.

Hey! Come here.

Take this rope and put it around that post.

Will you wait a... minute. You're always in such a hurry.

- This one here? - Yes, that's the one.

The only one up there.

It serves you right.

Hello. We want to apply for a job.

The plant's not in operation yet. You'll have to come back next month.

What's going on here?

Herman, you take over here.

You've been trained for this job. Now take your time and do it thoroughly.

Get to work!

Are you ready?

Just one more. Then the cable to the plunger.

Give me two nickels for a dime. Quick.

- Here. - Thank you.

Here it is.

Operator 14. What is the incident?

Incident... Incident... She thinks I'm Mr. Norton.

Well, be Mr. Norton. Tell her about the 'magnesia' plant.

Oh, yes... Incident!

Ajax Magnesium Plant, this afternoon at 5 o'clock.

They're going to blow it up. 145 incendiary bombs, 72 casualties,

156 German parachutes, a water mains broken, pestilence, famine, everything.

Be there at 5 o'clock. Don't forget. Goodbye

Now, what are you trying to tell me?

I was trying to tell you about Mr. Hittlemause. Let them know...

It's not Hittlehause, it's Middlehause. And what about him?

He's not going to blow up the plant.

I know, but they won't catch him. He's with the air raid wardens...

So what? He's with the air raid wardens...

Ohhh! Come on!

Thank you very much, lady.

But the Norton incident wasn't at the magnesium plant.

That's where it is now!

Start with the auxiliary police and firemen.

Everything's in work. All units are being notified.

Well, let's go.

I still don't understand it.

Come along, Captain Biddle.

Mr. Rittenhause. Mr. Rittenhause.

I heard some sirens. They seem to be coming towards the plant.

Get out of here.

Spread out you men. Police the entire area!

- Yes, sir. - Rope off the danger zone.

Yes, sir.

Play out enough hose to cover the entire plant!

Yes, sir.

Out the back way. We'll connect out there.

Locate your emergency station right here in the watchman's shed.

- Alright, Dan. - Standby with Mrs. Norton.

Better work up a report on the general situation.

Charlie, be sure you have enough messengers here for liaison.

OK, Dan. Alright, boys. Standby.

I don't know what all this is about but it's good going anyway.

Thank you, Major.

Oh, Mr. Madison... Mr. Madison!

I opened the door and there they were stretched out on the floor. They're real casualties.

What happened?

They slugged me. A whole car full of 'em.

Take this man to the ambulance.

They went in the generator building. With dynamite.

Take care of him too.

Clear the area near the generator building. Surround the plant.

Organise search parties. Will you take over here, Major?

Surely.

Come on, Charlie.

We'd better have a look in here.

Alright but be careful, Come on, Charlie.

Check that doorway, Charlie.

Don't move!

Hurry it up, boys!

Ready!

Hey, look. Middlehause!

So what! We're looking for Middling!

Oh, come on. Quick.

Madison! What is the meaning of this? What's going on here?

Mr. Norton, you're terrific. How did you know there were Nazis here?

Nazis? Why I...

I'm sorry, Mr. Norton, if we had to change your incident.

So you put in that call.

We had to, Dan. I hope we did not upset things too much.

Well, I'll say you didn't.

The only ones upset are the Nazis. We got every one of them.

Oh, no, you didn't!