All language subtitles for How To Steal A Million (1966) BDRipAI 1080p (by Календарь® NNMClub)_track3_[eng]

[ Auctioneer ] Sold for $90,000 to this
gentleman in front of me here.

Thank you, sir.
And now, ladies and gentlemen,

number 34 on the front cover
of your catalogs,

color plate 16,
Portrait of Madam de Nemours...

by Cézanne.

[ All Murmuring ]

Now, because of the interest
in this painting,

we are keeping telephone lines open
to our buyers in London and New York.

This great painting is from
ihe world-famous Bonnet collection,

sold by order of the present head
of the family, Monsieur Charles Bonnet.

- Monsieur Charles Bonnet.
-[ All Murmuring ]

Now, ladies and gentlemen,
who will start this superb...

post-Impressionist masterpiece
at $200,000?

$200,000.

-$210,000. $220,000.
-220,000.

230,000.
Thank you.

Now, who says
$240,000?

-[ Dog Whimpering ]
- Thank you very much.

-[ All Chuckling ]
- Well, who says $240,000?

Thank you.
$240,000.

200 and-
$260,000.

[ Man]
70.

[ Radio Announcer ] ...are hoping to egual
ihis record in the coming three months.

And now, in the world of art- In an auction
of notable Impressionist masterpieces,

ihe highest price paid
was for a Cézanne portrait...

[ Volume Increases ] from the great
private collection of Charles Bonnet,

sold after spirited bidding
for $515,000.

The buyer, himself
a notable art collector-

[ Radio Fades ]

- Good evening, Marcel.
- Good evening, mademoiselle.

- Is my father home?
- Yes. He's upstairs. Shall I tell him?

No, thank you.
I'll go up.

Papa?

- Hello, my darling.
- Hello, Papa.

[ Mutters ]

- Careful. I'm covered with paint.
- And with money.

- Eh?
- Yes.

I heard all about
the auction on the radio.

Papa, we've gotta have
a long, serious talk.

My angel, it was a triumph.

I could've sold
a dozen Cézannes on the spot.

One's enough. More than enough.

- This has got to stop, Papa.
- Just one moment. One moment.

Ah.

Ah. How kind of van Gogh
to use only his first name.

I can sign him in half the time.
There. Perfect.

Not again, Papa.
So soon?

This long-lost masterpiece
will not be for sale for a long, long time.

We will hang it. lt will be admired.
And who knows?

In time, some legendary tycoon
may be able to persuade me to part with it.

- You're such a scoundrel.
- Thank you, my child.

Aah! Nicole. My dirt!

This is not ordinary dirt.
This is van Gogh dirt.

I mean, dirt from his own neighborhood.
It's as though I scraped it myself...

off his old 19th century canvases,
like this.

It took me weeks.

Nice touch of authenticity,
don't you think? [ Chuckles ]

I doubt very much if van Gogh himself
would've gone to such pains with his work.

He didn't have to. He was van Gogh.

[ Wheezing Laugh ] But, my darling,
you know that in his whole lifetime,

he only sold one painting, whereas I,

in loving memory of his great tragic genius,
have already sold two.

Papa, I keep telling you:

When you sell a fake masterpiece,
that is a crime.

But I don't sell 'em to poor people.
I only sell 'em to millionaires.

- Then they get great paintings like this one.
-[ Whistle Blowing, Distant ]

[ Whistle Continues Blowing ]

- Papa! Police!
- Police?

What a shock you gave me.

It's the director
of the Kleber-Lafayette Museum...

come about our Cellini Venus.

- What about the Venus?
- Our Cellini Venus is to be

the outstanding feature
of a great loan exhibition:

"Masterpieces of French Collections."

Not in public, Papa?

- Yes. Yes.
- Oh, no!

Wait a minute, Papa.
You can't let it out of the house.

-[ Father ] Don't fuss.
- But, Papa,

this is insane.

[ Whispering Instructions ]

- We're coming, Monsieur Grammont!
- Take your time.

-I beg you. Listen to me!
- Can you see any paint anywhere?

- Do I smell of paint?
- Listen to me. I beg of you.

Will you listen to me?
The Cellini Venus is a fake.

- That's a word we don't use in this house.
- Papa, it's too dangerous.

I can't let you do this.
Papa, will you listen to me?

- [ Grunts ]
- Stop spraying, and- all right.

Come along.
You'll like Monsieur Grammont.

- He's impeccably honest and extremely dull.
- I won't.

- Papa!
-[ Grumbling ]

Aha! My dear Grammont.

- How kind of you to come in person.
- Good evening, Bonnet.

- My pleasure, I can assure you.
- [Coughs ]

[ Clears Throat ]

Marcel, the doors.

Allow me to present my daughter,
Nicole.

[ Laughs Awkwardly ]

- Delighted, mademoiselle.
- Good evening.

[ Mumbles, Indistinct ]

Ahh. There she is.

Allow me.

Ah.

[ Grammont ] I remember it
as a work of art, but it is more.

My fiiend, I express my own
and the museum's gratitude

for your generous loan,

and I thank you
on behalf of France itself

for never letting this treasure
leave the country.

I know of the offers
you must have had

and how tempting
they must have been.

One is, after all,
always a Frenchman.

- I'll get it, Papa.
- No, no, no, no. No, no. Me.

Look, Papa.
Let me help you.

- Into your hands, my dear Grammont,
- Me?

I give this,
our ultimate treasure.

- Papa, what have you done?
- The room doesn't look the same without her.

[ Clears Throat ]

[ Sighs ]

[ Wheezing Laugh ]

Oh!

- Papa.
- What have I done?

I'm giving the world the precious opportunity
of studying and viewing the Cellini Venus.

- Which is not by Cellini.
- Ah, labels, labels.

It's working with Americans that has given you
this obsession with labels and brand names.

I wish you'd give up
that ridiculous job.

Don't you know you can't
fake sculpture anymore.

- It's not like painting.
- I know. I know about their so-called tests.

Papa, they're not so-called.
They are.

Look, Papa. One quick whiff
of something called potassium argon,

and they can tell the age of the stone,
where it was guarried,

when it was cut and probably the name
and address of the man who did it.

Of course. Why do you suppose
I haven't sold it?

I was offered recently- Oh,
it gives me a twinge when I think of it.

I was offered one million dollars,
but I wouldn't sell it.

I don't even charge rent,
so why should they test it?

[ Wheezing Laugh ] Did you hear
Grammont say 100,000 souvenir postcards?

They'll be mailed all over the world.
Our Venus.

Don't you get a kind
of a thrilling glow in all that?

Yeah. Chills run
up and down my spine.

Ohh. The basic trouble with you
is that you're honest. Ooh.

I don't say that
to hurt your feelings.

I get dizzy spells when we have
these conversations, Papa.

[ Chuckles ]
What you need is a brandy.

My darling, what you must try to understand
is that I am pleased and proud...

that our Cellini Venus
is a forgery.

If it was genuine, whať'd it be?
Oh, a piece of sculpture made centuries ago...

by some oversexed Italian.

Whereas our Cellini Venus
is really our own. So be proud of it.

Your own grandfather made it,
and your own grandmother posed for it.

For months, she stood there
without moving a muscle...

whilst your grandfather
perpetuated her in marble.

That was naturally before she started
eating those enormous lunches.

♪♪ [ La Marseilleaise" ]

♪♪ [ Fades ]

♪♪ [ Organ Swells, Fades ]

♪♪ [ Processional ]

- Back to the hotel, please.
- [Driver ] Yes, Mr. Lelfand.

-[ Engine Starts ]
-[ Blows ]

Miss Treadwell,
type this up immediately.

Do it yourself and send it
to all parties concerned:

Cancel all travel arrangements
and business meetings Near and Far East.

Remaining in Paris on urgent business
regarding my art foundation.

Further instructions
will be issued as needed.

Paris office, do a rundown
on Charles Bonnet, this city,

all members of his family,
his art collection...

and particularly the Cellini Venus,
which is now on exhibition.

Have all this information at my hotel
first thing in the morning. This is urgent.

Repeat: urgent.

And confidential.

[ Object Clanking ]

[ Thud ]

[ Chair Leg Sgueaks ]

-[ Sgueaking ]
-[ Gasps ]

[ Weapon Clicks ]

Don't move.

Put down that painting.

Put it down.

Miss Bonnet, please.

Oh, stay where you are!

Uh, why did you choose
that particular painting?

It was the handiest.

Look, uh, don't call the police.
Give me another chance.

You see, I was only
taking one painting.

And you've got so many,
chances were you wouldn't have missed it.

I'Il put it back.

There.

Oh, it's beautiful. Pity.

You knew my father
and the servants were out. How?

It's my business
to know things like that.

Uh, if I frightened you,
I'm really terribly sorry. I...

thought you'd be
at the opening with your father.

Big event like that?

Anyway, uh, you frightened me,
so we're even.

Don't be impudent.

That thing
isn't loaded, is it?

Of course it is.

-[ Gun Cocks ]
-[ Sighs ]

- Are you armed?
- Sorry?

- Do you have a gun?
- Good God, no.

Well, I'm-
I'm gonna let you go.

-I don't know why, but-
-[ Gun Fires ]

[ Screams ]

[ Panting ]

I'm the one that's bleeding.

- What's that?
- Iodine.

- Will it hurt?
- For a burglar, you're not very brave, are you?

I'm a society burglar. I don't expect
people to rush about shooting me.

Take your hand away
so l can put this stuff on you.

Ouch!

That hurt.

Don't be such a baby.
It's only a flesh wound.

It happens to be my flesh.

VWell, you have to expect
some occupational hazards.

You broke in here to steal!

Could we keep personalities
out of this conversation?

Fine. A thing like this
could keep me out of action for a week.

Temporarily, you'll
have to go straight.

Look, it's late, and I'm tired
and I have to work in the morning.

- You work?
- Some people do, you know.

All right. I'm going.

How do I get home? I can't drive.

Oh, I feel weak from shock
and loss of blood.

Oh, dear heaven.
I'll call you a taxi.

And pay for it.
Is that all right?

As far as I'm concerned,
fine, but...

if the police found my car
outside your house,

it would mean guestions
and... I'm wanted, you know.

I'm really thinking of you.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

I'll drive you home.
Is that all right with you?

Fine. Thank you.

Uh, you don't happen
to have a cigarette on you, do you?

Here.

[ Clears Throat ]

Pretty, isn't she?
She'll do more than 150 miles an hour.

- Useful for getaways, you see.
- Mmm.

The robbery business
must be pretty good.

- It's stolen.
- I can't drive a stolen car!

Same principle.
Four gears forward, one reverse.

This is crazy. You should be in jail,
and I should be in bed.

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

-[ Low Groan ]
- All right. Where to?

The Ritz.

- The what?
- The Hotel Ritz. It's in the Place Vendóme.

- You go through the-
- I know where it is.

- You're a very chic burglar, aren't you?
- Mmm.

[ Yelps ]

Your arm
is much better.

- Oh, no, no. It hurts. It hurts.
- It's the other arm.

- The infection is spreading.
- Mmm.

Hup.

Well, we got here alive. Thank you.
And if ever I can return the favor-

Hardly likely
to happen, is it?

Now, how do I get home?

You see? You never can tell
when you might need a friend.

- Oh.
-[ Whistles ]

-[ Doorman ] Good evening, Mr. Dermott.
- Armand, I want a taxi.

Yes, Mr. Dermott. Right away.

- Transportation laid on.
- Taxi!

Uh-oh. Gave myself away there, didn't I?
Now you know my name.

Ah, well. It can't be helped.
Besides, I have this funny feeling-

believe me, it's rare in my profession-
that you're completely trustworthy.

[ Car Pulls Up ]

Hey!

Just one more tiny favor.
Like an idiot,

I forgot to wear gloves on the job,
and I may have left some fingerprints.

Be an angel. Before you go to bed,
give the frame of the painting...

a little wipe with a clean cloth, okay?

Certainly.
Anything else?

You wouldn't like a forged passport
or some counterfeit money or-

- No, no, no, no.
- You're mad, utterly mad.

- I suppose you want to kiss me good night?
- I don't usually,

not on the first acguaintance,
but you've been such a good sport.

38 Rue Parmentier.
Drive carefully.

Get a good night's sleep.

[ Door Closes ]

Ah, Nicole, my darling.
What a pity you missed the opening.

Our Cellini Venus
was a tremendous success.

- You should've seen the crowds.
- Papa- Papa, I wanna tell you someth-

- Photographers from all nationalities.
- Papa. Will you listen-

With our Cellini Venus
the center of the whole attraction.

- Papa, I caught a burglar.
- Of course you did.

But you must promise me
to go there and see for yourselí.

A burglar?

What? Here in this house?

Good Lord.

Here. Take a sip of this
and just tell me all about it.

- Well, it was pitch dark, and there he was.
- Uh.

Tall, blue eyes, slim.
Euite good looking.

In a brutal, mean way, Papa.
A terrible man.

Arrogant. Ruthless.
No sense of guilt or shame or-

or anything.

So you discussed all that, did you?

Well, that was later,
when I was driving him home.

[ Chokes ]

I had to, Papa. I shot him in the arm
with your old pistol.

- It was an accident, I think.
- Oh, my darling.

Now, just supposing
you start all over again...

and tell me exactly
what happened in detail.

- I caught him in the act of stealing.
- Uh-huh.

I kept him back with a pistol,
and I was telephoning the police...

when I saw what he was stealing:
the van Gogh.

- Your van Gogh.
- What?

And I didn't know what to do.
I was afraid if he were arrested,

- it might mean publicity.
- Publicity?

Of course. A police investigation-
That might have been very awkward.

- That's what I thought. So I let him go.
- Good!

- I did the right thing, didn't I?
- Of course!

Maybe he was a first offender.

You should've seen how he was
carrying on when I was dressing his wound.

- Mmm. Mmm?
- Well, he might have gotten an infection.

Oh, the whole thing
was awful, Papa, too awful.

- Good night, Papa.
- Good night, my darling.

- Good night, Papa.
-[ Chuckles ]

Good night, darling.
Have a good sleep.

Uh, Nicole?

This tall, good-looking ruffian
with blue eyes-

He didn't... molest you
in any way, did he?

Well, did he?

Not much.

[ Chattering ]

Sorry. Oh!

Good morning. We meet only
under the most artistic circumstances.

Beautiful.

You wouldn't dare!

Fear nothing.
I'm off duty.

Oh, Miss Bonnet!
A pleasure to have you here.

Oh, Monsieur Grammont.

Uh, Monsieur Grammont,
the director of the museum, and, uh-

- Dermott. Delighted.
- How do you do, sir?

Miss Bonnet and I are old friends.
VWe used to shoot together.

- Oh, well.
- Wonderful exhibition. So many beautiful things.

- And so valuable.
- Oh, yes! Oh, yes.

And observe, please, the security precaution
protecting your great sculpture.

- Uh, are you interested in art, Mr. Dermott?
- Oh, indeed l am.

- And in security.
- Oh, splendid. Let me show you, please.

Excuse me.

You see those tiny blue beams?
They are infrared circuits.

- I have to go.
- Go on. I find it fascinating.

Oh, be careful. Be careful,

because those beams create
a circuit around the Venus,

and anything that breaks the circuits-
instant alarm.

Bravo! Thank you so much.

It's the Electric Eye Detection
and Alarm System.

- We call it the E.E.D.A.S.
- Very clever.

- Nice. Monsieur Grammont-
- I know the guestion you're going to ask:

What if a burglar got to it
and turned off the alarm?

No. The thought never
entered my mind.

Funny. I was going
to ask that very thing.

Good guestion.
The answer is he cannot.

You see, it operates
like the door to a vault,

and only two trusted guards
and myself, of course, know the combination.

- Let me show you.
- I have an appointment.

- Good-bye, Monsieur Grammont.
- Good-bye.

- I can spare a few minutes.
- You're coming with me, aren't you?

Bye-bye.

Now, go away,
or I'll call a policeman.

Yours is a capricious nature.
Do you always blow hot and cold like this?

Say. Listen.

I have something very important to say to you.
Now, don't go away.

-[ Tires Screech ]
-[ Yelps ]

Well, finally.
I waited at the Ritz for you last night.

- I thought you'd been caught.
- No.

- What happened?
- I'm only a part-time burglar, Bernard.

It's hard work.

- Did you find the van Gogh?
- Easily.

And?

- Ah, it disturbs you, doesn't it?
- Not a bit.

It's a great van Gogh.

Of course it is, but who painted it?

My dear Bernard,

Bonnet has a Cellini sculpture exhibition
right now which is worth a million dollars.

He doesn't need
to forge paintings.

- Unless you think that's a forgery too.
- No, no. Not that.

For one thing, it was first exhibited in 1910,
when Bonnet was eight years old.

Besides, Bonnet never studied sculpture,
but he did study painting.

Well, if he has a million
dollars lying around loose,

why does he forge paintings?

- What's his motive?
- Ego. Vanity.

Hoodwinking the whole world
and having a wonderful time doing it.

Simon, imagine Bonnet
as a young painter.

Like many others,
he copies the master to learn their secrets.

It is his hobby, but over the years,
it becomes an obsession.

He learns every nuance of light,
of color, of shade, of form.

He identifies
with them completely.

When he paints a van Gogh,
he is van Gogh.

He's Lautrec, Cézanne.
He's any painter he chooses to be.

And that is his motive
and also his profit.

- What about Bonnet's daughter?
- Nicole? What about her?

- You think she's in it with him?
- In what?

- According to you, there is nothing.
- Huh?

- Oh, that's right.
- Well, you're wrong, and you'll see.

- [ Knocking ]
- [ Nicole ] Come in.

- Hello, Papa.
- Good evening, my dear.

Marcel tells me you're dining out.

Mmm. With an American tycoon
I met today.

- He makes computers.
- What?

[ Chuckles ]

Well, that might be the basis
of an enduring friendship.

-[ Car Approaching ]
- There he is. Right on the executive button.

Ooh. An enormous Cadillac.
Does that sound right?

- What's his name?
- Davis Leland.

- Davis Leland?
- Mmm.

- Are you sure?
- Do you know him?

No, but I'd very much like to meet him.

He's one of the most openhanded
art collectors in the whole of America.

I'll go and keep him company.

He didn't say a word
about a collection.

Didn't he tell you that he got the great
Toulouse-Lautrec from the Bonnet collection?

Your Lautrec
or Lautrec's Lautrec?

- Mine, naturally.
- Oh, no.

Are you implying that my Lautrec
is in any way inferior?

Listen, Papa. He mentioned your name
as though it were only vaguely familiar.

Not only didn't he mention
anything about a collection,

he said he didn't like art at all.

He suspects something.

He must've arranged to meet me.

Well, I find that
rather intriguing.

I'll go and meet him.

Lovely dinner. Marvelous wine.
How did you know how to choose it?

- I own the vineyard.
- Hmm.

- What fun.
- It's a subsidiary of Eastern Coal and Coke.

Eastern Coal and Coke.

- Thať's a subsidiary of Western Wool and Flax.
- Fascinating.

What's your growth factor?

Say, you're marvelous.
You're wonderful.

Usually, I have trouble
talking with girls,

but with you, it's- it's as though
you were a member of the board.

Ohh, that's very nice of you,
Mr. Leland, but I just wish...

I didn't have this feeling that there's
some subject you're trying to avoid.

- There is something, isn't there?
- Yes. I-

I hate to say... this-

- Yes?
- But, you see, it has to do with your father...

- Huh?
- and the Bonnet collection.

- Oh.
- Yes. You see-

Damn it. This is hard
for me to say.

-[ Waiter ] Mr. Davis Leland?
- Yes.

Long-distance call, Mr. Leland.
United States. California.

How the devil did they
track me down here?

Please excuse me.
I'll- I'll cut it short.

- Oh, no!
- Not a very cordial greeting.

I went to considerable trouble to arrange
these few precious moments alone.

- Leave the table!
- It's National Crime Prevention Week.

- Take a Burglar to Dinner.
- My escort has a very ugly temper.

- Now, go and call off that fake telephone call.
- There's something I must tell you.

- I would like to take another shot at you.
- It's important.

"Kee de paw"? “Kee de paw"?
What is that “kee de paw"?

I'm gonna “kee de paw" right now.

Either you leave this table,
or I start screaming.

- [ Inhales ] Choose.
- I'll go.

- Just tell me where and when we can meet.
- Choose, and make it fast.

Remember: Simon Dermott,
room 136, the Ritz.

It's urgent.

Ritz. [ Mouths Word ]

Ritz.

Now, where were we?

- With my father and his collection.
- Oh, yes.

I hate to have to tell you this,
Miss Bonnet.

- I arranged our meeting.
- Why?

It's this ridiculous obsession.
It devours me.

From the minute I first laid eyes on it,
I was lost,

helpless, completely caught up
in this awful compulsion.

- Laid eyes on what?
- The Cellini Venus, of course.

I saw it last night. It haunted me.
I can't think of anything else.

I haven't slept a wink all night.
This morning, when I learned...

your father wouldn't sell,
I started pulling strings to meet you,

hoping somehow
to use you to get the Venus.

- Well, th- that's it.
- You poor, dear, dear man.

No, no, no, no.
Don't spare my feelings.

I'm sorry you fell in love with the Venus.
She's not for sale.

And believe me, if she were mine,
she'd be on your doorstep in the morning,

but, oh- that's
your consolation prize.

- You kissed me.
- Yeah.

And that's for emphasis.

Well. [ Laughs ]

- Well, shall we dance?
- Oh, yeah- Yes. Yes. Yes, leť's...

Ah, good morning, my dear.
I've called Marcel.

- No, thank you, Papa. I'm late.
- What?

- I just have to tell you about Davis Leland.
- Ahh.

Everything's fine.
As far as Davis Leland is concerned,

you can go on faking masterpieces
as long as you can hold a brush.

He cooked up that big plot to meet me
just to get to you through me,

hoping that way
he'd get the Cellini.

Really? American millionaires
must be all guite mad.

Perhaps iť's something they put
in the ink when they print the money.

A gentleman
to see you, sir,

on behalf of the director
of the Kleber-Lafayette Museum, sir.

So early? Show him in, Marcel.
Show him in.

He must be
a very enterprising young fellow.

Sir.

Good morning, sir.
I'm sorry to disturb you.

Just a technicality
on the insurance of your loan...

of one statue, 29 inches in marble,
entitled Venus,

by “Ben-ve-vento Sellini."

Insurance on that?

If's never been insured.
lt's beyond price.

We were aware of that, sir.

So special cover was taken
for its transportation and exhibition,

but by an unfortunate error, sir,

your signature was not
obtained on a document.

There is, of course,
no expense to yourselí, sir.

A mere formality.
For once you sign this document,

the work of art is covered until
it's returned to this house in good order.

- But, I just have to sign?
- Yes.

And then iť's-

Insured for one million dollars
against all risks,

including flood, earthguake,
thunderbolt, falling aircraft,

loot, sack, pillage,
military or civil commotion,

fires, structural collapse,

- buildings, and, of course, larceny or theft.
- [ Chuckles ]

Thank you, sir.

By the way, sir, would you like to be present
at the technical examination?

- Uh, t-t-technical... examination?
- Technical... examination?

Yes. They always reguire it,
and you, of course, have just authorized it.

A mere formality.

I believe they have
a Professor Bauer flying in...

from Zurich on Friday.

Well, thank you, sir.
Good day.

-[ Nicole ] Uh-
-[ Charles ] Wait.

Uh-

[ Door Closes ]

- Papa, this Professor Bauer-
- Uh-huh.

- Does he know all the tests?
- He invented them.

It's not as if we're
trying to sell the Venus.

My dear, the first breath of suspicion,

the entire myth
of the Bonnet collection explodes.

Boom! Everything I've done
will be examined and reexamined...

with X-rays, fluoroscopes,
microscopes, shadow graphs,

smelly chemicals
and all sorts of- agh!

[ Sighs ] We live in a crass
commercial world with no faith or trust.

[ Snorts ]

[ Groans ]

We must keep Professor Bauer
from examining the Venus.

But how? I've just given
my permission!

I not only put my head under the guillotine;
I've unloosened my collar and tie...

so that they can chop it off.

At least I can
keep you out of this.

I want you to leave Paris.
I want you to go to America-

- No.
- No! Go to the Orient or somewhere.

- No!
- Please, my darling.

It'll be easier for me,
I promise you.

- I'm not going to leave you, and that's final.
- Sir?

- Yes.
- A Seňor Paravideo to see you, sir.

- Who?
- A South American gentleman, I believe, sir.

- Ohh.
- Of an excitable nature.

- Who's he?
- I don't know.

Oh, my God!

Mademoiselle, monsieur.
I must apol-

Here it is.

Ohh. Ohh, just as you said,

only greater by far.

I must apologize. I had an urgent call,
a revolution in my country.

Also, some of my mines are flooded.
I must go back soon.

I couldn't bear to leave Paris
without consulting you...

about this. [ Sighs ]

Seňor,
it is not for sale.

- But you said you might. You said you-
- It is not for sale!

[ Indistinct ]
I can see the hand of a master.

-[ Grunts ]
- Good-bye! jAdiós!

Papa!

Preposterous little man.
I met him at the auction...

when my Cézanne
set such a stunning price.

[ Laughs ] Why not? It was worth
a stunning price- even more!

It is not gonna be a scandal.
It's gonna be a triumph!

Let the experts come pouring in.
Let them bring their X-rays,

their microscopes, even their
nuclear weapons if they like.

[ Wheezing Laugh ]
Good grief.

Do you remember
what happened with van Meegeren

and all those forged Vermeers?

He drove the experts crazy.
He won every round.

Fought 'em to the finish
and then emerged the victor.

He finally painted one last Vermeer,
and even that was a triumph.

The guards marveled
at the brilliance of his brushwork.

Even his fellow inmates
couldn't believe their eyes.

And the governor
of the prison, he- he-

- Papa?
- Hmm?

What's the number
of the Hotel Ritz?

Opera 2830.

[ Dialing ]

Psst.

Good evening.

Psst, psst.

I didn't recognize you.
You look somehow... different.

- Scotch.
- Likewise.

I was surprised to hear from you-
surprised and pleased, Miss B-

Please. No names.

Well, if it's all that private,
I've got a bottle in my room upstairs.

This is a business meeting.

I find I have need of someone
with your talents and experience, Mr.-

Shh. Please. No names.

- You interested in a big-time caper?
- A what?

- A heist.
- A heist?

Oh, you mean a burglary.

What's the score, baby?

- It won't be easy.
- Thať's okay.

- What's the job? I'm in.
- The Kleber-Lafayette Museum.

I'm out.

Why that particular spot?

- The Cellini Venus.
- Your-

- Your Celliníi Venus?
- Well, it's not mine, exactly.

It's sort of in the family.
Anyway, that should be no concern of yours.

You- You want-
You want to steal it?

Why?

- Is it a publicity stunt?
- Lord, no. It's very valuable.

It's worth a million dollars.

I know. There are also a million policemen
prowling around it.

That works out to about a dollar a policeman.
I don't like the rate of exchange.

- You mean you won't do it?
- No.

- Are you sure?
- Quite sure.

I'm sorry. Thank you
for thinking of me.

Wait. Look.
Um, finish your drink.

- I have to go.
- Are you really serious?

You've seen the way your statue's protected-
the electric eye, the guards.

Well, l was hoping to leave
those details to you.

Yes, well, um-
I'll sleep on it, and- It's too late now.

The museum's closed. We'll go round
in the morning and look over the premises,

what we call in the trade
"casing the joint."

Thank you very much.

It's early. Why don't I
show you the real Paris?

I- Thať's very kind of you,
but I live here. I was born in Paris.

Oh, I forgot. Well, why don't you
show me the real Paris?

Yeah, well, I only have
two inches left of this bench.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

- Where and what time tomorrow?
- Yes.

Um, well, I find that the most
successful jobs of this kind are planned...

when everyone is relaxed, so leť's meet
and have a nice, long, cozy lunch.

Corner of Avenue Gabriel,
Avenue Marigny, 10:00 a.m.

- Right?
- Right.

- Is it those police that worry you so?
- Yes.

- And these.
- But-

But that's the Ministry of the Interior.
It's always guarded.

Aha. What about them?

[ Nicole ] They don't have
anything to do with us.

They're guarding government buildings.

Thať's where
the president lives.

I know.

And the museum you want to stick up
is right here. Very handy.

- I can practically taste the bread and water.
[ Horn Honks ]

[ Chattering ]

- Can't be.
- What?

Well, for a moment
I thought I saw a resemblance.

- Resemblance to what?
- You and-

That's silly.
She's at least 400 years old.

I know. But, uh-

Sorry.

Where precisely were you
in the early part of the 16th century?

I don't know, but that's
not how I was dressed.

Hmm.

[ Both Speaking, Indistinct ]

- Who's in charge here?
- Sir!

- At your service.
- Dubois, assistant deputy chairman,

commission of tourism.

Isn't this place cleaned regularly?
Look at this sleeve.

Just from brushing
against the woodwork.

I'm sorry, sir, but we have
a complete staff of cleaning women.

Once a month, I suppose.

No, sir. Every night
from midnight until 4:00 a.m.

Mm-hmm.

Well, see they do their jobs properly,
or I'll make a report.

- Yes, sir.
- Carry on.

Thank you, sir. Sir?

- This way.
- Really?

Don't you think it's being a bit pushy,
starting with a million-dollar robbery?

I mean, we've got to walk
before we can run, you know.

I know a little gallery we could knock over
just to get our feet wet, so to speak,

and then, gathering confidence as we go,
we could move into the big time.

- No good?
- No good at all.

Uh-huh.

Next guestion.

Why must it be
this particular work of art?

Well, you don't think I'ď steal
something that didn't belong to me?

Excuse me.
I spoke without thinking.

Why not wait until you get it
back home and steal it then?

No muss. No fuss.
A nice, clean, inside job.

- I'd be delighted to offer my services.
- This is not a prank or whim.

It's something I must do because-—
because l must do it.

I see.

We must look
at the facts impartially.

We can't get past the alarm.
Thať's out.

We can't tamper
with it. Thať's out.

- We can't turn it off. That-
- That's out.

- Hmm?
- You're some burglar, you are.

Ay, ay, ay.

[ Whistling ]

Is this how you normally work?
By the mile?

I'm thinking.
Look at my forehead. All wrinkled.

What we need is,
at precisely the right moment,

some trusted member of the museum staff
has to obligingly switch off the alarm system.

- Couldn't we bribe someone?
- Excellent idea. No.

Why not?

Because I don't know
which guard knows how to do it.

[ Man ] Want to see it again?
Here we go.

It always circles around
and comes back, just like that.

Oh, not now, please!

There you are, sonny.
It's all ready. Thank you very much.

Ah, you, sir. How many do you want?

Excuse me, gentlemen.
I believe I was here first.

- I'd like two.
- Have you seen the boomerang?

Two. Blue or red?
Now, don't forget what I told the children-

Don't forget to throw it on the right angle,
will ya? Thať's the idea.

Great fun! Try it.

If you'il tell me what you're doing
and why,

I'll buy you a cowboy suit
and a set of trains.

I want you to take a long,
last look at the blue sky,

the green grass, the trees and the river,
all of which I loathe personally,

which is why a juicy stretch
in a cozy French prison...

doesn't bother me at all.

You think you have a scheme
that might work?

[ Motor Chugging ]

Shh.

You really are the smuggest
and most hateful man.

If you freguent criminal circles,
you can't be choosy.

How do you like being
a gangster's moll, baby?

Now where are we going?

My apartment.

I'd like to remind you, Mr. Dermott,
ours is a business relationship.

I'm aware of that, Miss Bonnet.

I'm also aware of the social gulf
between us.

You are an aristocrat,
and I am a humble burglar.

Right. There's the bathroom.

Take off your clothes.

Are we planning
the same sort of crime?

You're duite safe.
It's dress rehearsal time.

That's why we bought all this
lovely junk. Come on.

Well, if it's-
it's a necessary part of the plan.

- Are you sure?
- Chatter, chatter, chatter, chatter, chatter.

Do as you're told.

[ Door Opens ]

Ooh, thať's nice.

Yes, thať's-
thať's really nice.

It just needs
one more little touch.

Yes.

Oh, yes. Now, turn around
for me, would you?

Go on.
Yes, thať's fine.

- That does it.
- Does what?

Well, for one thing,
it gives Givenchy a night off.

Now-

Down. Down.

Scrub the floor.
Scrub.

Crime doesn't pay,
does it?

Some elbow grease. Scrub!
Yes, and don't sulk.

At 11:57, all hell will break loose
in the museum.

And at midnight,
the scrub women come trooping in.

And whatever happens,
hang on to your bucket.

- You do have a plan, don't you?
- Of course I have.

Now, listen very carefully.

My plan is,
on the night of the crime,

my plan and I will be curled up
in that bed with a good book.

Why?

Why? You ask me why?
Well, I ask you, why?

Why are we breaking into
a heavily-guarded museum...

to steal a precious statue
which belongs to you?

- Why?
- But I told you why I couldn't tell you why.

Not good enough.

Well, you're perfectly right.
In your place, I'd feel the same way.

I'm in this awful trouble.

But it's nothing
to do with you.

I can't explain, so I'm stuck.
I'll get out of these clothes.

Oh, don't you dare cry.

I'm not. I have
something in my eye.

- You're crying. You're trying to soften me up.
- It's not true.

It won't work.
I'm too tough.

I know. I'm going.

Hurry up.

Go on. Hurry up. Go!

Go.

And meet me at the museum
at 5:30 sharp.

And don't ask me why,
or I'll hit you with a bucket!

Yes, sir.

Thank you, sir.

I won't be in
for dinner, Marcel.

I may be out
guite late, in fact.

If anybody calls, you don't know
where l am or how to reach me.

-[ Doorbell Rings ]
- Yes, mademoiselle.

Good afternoon. Just tell Miss Bonnet
that I'm here, will you, please?

Im sorry, sir.
Miss Bonnet has gone out.

Out? Are you sure?
Her car's in the courtyard.

Quite sure, sir.
She, uh, took a taxi.

Oh. Well, I'll- I'll wait.

Ah!
[ Chuckles ]

Ah, you. Why, hello!

What a nice surprise.

I did go out. I forgot something,
so I came in again.

The servants' entrance.
And I'm just rushing out again.

- Thank you, Marcel. I'll let Mr. Leland out.
- Out? Oh, no.

I'm all rehearsed, made up and ready to go on.
Luckily, it's only a short speech.

I really must fly. I have an appointment-
a business one.

Business, business.
Thať's all you French girls ever think about.

Well, a minute.
A second, really.

- You're in a rush. You want action. Fine.
- Yes. Mm-hmm.

Thať's my mood too.
Here. Catch.

[ Gasps ]

- Oh, Davis!
- Oh, please, please, no speeches.

- But why?
- Why?

That's the silliest guestion
I ever heard of.

But iť's wild.
And we don't even know each other.

- Oh, please come back tomorrow.
- Nope. Made up my mind.

Man of action.
Snap judgment.

Bought a whole fleet of tankers that way once.
One of the best deals I ever made.

But I'm not a fleet of tankers, and I'm not
getting engaged to a man I barely know.

You'll get to know me. Look me up
in Who's Who, Dun 8 Bradstreet.

- Uh- Uh-
- There. There. That's it. It's a deal?

Yes-- No! I'm- I'm a little dizzy,

and this thing is just,
uh, blinding me.

- I really have to run! I do.
- No, no, relax.

I've never been engaged
to such a fidgety girl in all my life.

- Oh! The kiss!
- Oh. Mmm.

-[ Grunts ]
- Mmm!

- Where have you been?
- I was getting engaged.

Come on! This fellow turned up
just as I was leaving.

He wants to marry me.
I didn't want to keep you waiting,

so I got engaged to him.

- Is it all right? Am I on time?
- Oh, fine. In fact,

we have about 10 more minutes.

- So if you'd like to go back and marry him-
- Come on.

Would you check your parcel,
please, miss?

[ Whispering ]
Go on.

[ Chattering ]

Thank you.

Just checking
on the accommodations.

Huh?

Oh.

Don't start that.
Not again.

I could swear that-

Well, we have a few moments
for cultural improvement.

[ Whispering ] How do we
get past the alarm?

Like this gentleman here,
I'm depending on normal human reactions.

Oh. Blue period?

Regard the subtle
harmony of color.

Now, the nice thing about
the complicated mechanical devices is...

if they do
suddenly go haywire-

Yes?
What's after haywire?

Well, people in charge
have a tendency to panic...

and to run round
in confused circles,

and at that moment,
we strike.

Oh!
Superb Rembranat.

Now, this is, to coin a phrase,
the point of no return.

In precisely one minute,
the closing bell will ring.

We can leave with the others
and have a quiet dinner,

or we stay.

Then we're committed
to go through with it.

Do you really want it...
that much?

More!

Okay. You're the boss.
Just do as I tell you.

Come on.

Stand by for the countdown.

Six, five,

four, three,

two, one.

Now.

[ Bell Ringing Loudly ]

[ Ringing Stops ]

Watch for normal
human reactions.

[ Gasps ]

Comfy?

I hadn't counted
on there being...

guite so much
togetherness.

Well, it's the height of the tourist season.
Everything was booked up.

This is the best
I could do.

-[ Banging ]
- Shh.

He locked the door.
He's locked us in!

It's challenging,
I admit,

but doesn't that make it
more interesting?

- I'm going to faint.
- Don't. There's no room.

[ Sighs ]

[ Sighs ]

All right, boys.

Didn't you hear me?

[ Footsteps Approaching ]

- Just try to be comfortable.
- Shh, shh.

[ Footfalls On Stairs ]

[ Metal Clanking ]

[ Metal Rattling ]

[ Guiping ]

[ Sighs ]

[ Footsteps Departing ]

[ Banging ]

[ Footfalis ]

One minute past 8:00
on the nose.

Now we have a fix on when
they make their rounds-

exactly every hour.

Wer're still locked in.
How about that, mastermind?

-[ Clangs ]
- Shh!

Hold that.

[ Gasps ]

[ Clinking ]

[ Clinking ]

Brilliant!

It- It doesn't open
from the inside!

- Blast!
-[ Soft Groan ]

However,

by a strange coincidence,

I just happen to have-

Now.

[ Gasps ]

Marvelous.

No applause, please.

Wait till you see what I do
for an encore.

- Oh.
- Shh.

Locked together.

Give it to me.
Give it to me.

Here.

Shh.

Now, put those on. Get cracking.

Turn around.

What for?

They go on
over the clothes.

Okay. Yeah. Thank you.

Congratulations.
You look terrible.

Can we steal that statue soon?
I hate to complain, but-

Have patience.
We will.

When? And how?

Now, look. lf you were a guard
and had to sit night after night...

guarding a bunch of junk you couldn't afford
or didn't particularly like,

- how would you feel?
- Irritable.

Aha.

Oh, no.

It's psychological warfare.

- With that?
- Mm-hmm.

[ Whispering ]
Excuse me.

[ Alarm Bells Ringing ]

[ Siren Wailing ]

Turn on the lights!
Follow me!

-[ Gasping ]
- Ring out, wild bells!

[ Chimes Ringing ]

Look around! Disperse!
Downstairs!

[ Alarm Bells Continue ]
[ Siren Continues ]

[ Police Sirens Wailing ]

-[ Alarm Bells Stop ]
-[ Siren Stops ]

[ Policemen Chattering ]

Everything
is in order.

- Nothing is missing.
- I checked. It isn't a short circuit.

Scientists.

A burglar alarm especially designed
to give me heartburn.

[ Burps ]

Sorry. Thank you.

[ Whistle Blows ]

[ Ringing ]

Kleber-Lafayette Museum.
Senior guard speaking.

I regret very much
if the minister...

and madame minister
have been disturbed.

Yes, I know,
it's a very loud alarm.

No, sir, we don't know
why it went off.

We checked everything
and so did the police, but-

No, sir, nothing is missing,
and the alarms are set again.

I'm sorry, sir.
Good night, sir.

The prefecture of police.

The alarm bells woke up
the minister of the interior.

Good.

Oh. [ Sighs ]

Oh, I'm so scared.
My heart's thumping.

- I just feel terrible.
- Well, I'd send for a doctor,

but I honestly don't think
he'd fit in the closet.

I'm so scared for you too.

I had no right
to involve you in this,

and if you want
to call it off-

Well, thať's a kind thought,
and I appreciate it, but then, um,

what about Professor Bauer?

What happens tomorrow when he
turns up to test your million-dollar baby?

It's a fake, isn't it?

- No long, involved stories at this time of night.

Just nod your head yes or no.

Who carved it?

My grandfather.

Who posed for it?

- My grandmother.
- Aha.

You were the first ever
to notice a resemblance.

Well, I'm very sensitive
and perceptive.

How long have you known
about her and me?

Since you first asked me
to steal it.

But then if you knew the thing
was worthless, why did-

Thať's why?

I'm so stupid.

Explain it to me again.

It's funny how... roomy
it's suddenly become in here.

- We're adjusting to our environment.
- Mmm.

-[ Gasps Loudly ]
- What is it? Oh, I'm sorry.

It's my engagement ring.
I forgot about it.

So did I. Congratulations.

May I... kiss the bride?

Mm-hmm.

Oh, one thing.
Whose bride am I kissing?

Hmm, some American.

His name's Leland Davis.

Or Davis Leland?

Well, they're lucky fellows,
both of them.

Uh-oh. Second round coming up.

Just marking my place.

Don't go away.

-[ Alarm Bells Ringing ]
-[ Siren Wailing ]

[ Chimes Ringing ]

[ Chuckles ]

VWell, look around.

[ Alarm Bells Continue ]
[ Siren Continues ]

[ Whistles ]

[ Sirens Wailing ]

[ Chattering ]

Pretty soon someone's gonna get
awfully tired of this racket.

- Normal human reaction.
[ Whistle Blows ]

-[ Alarm Bells Stop ]
-[ Siren Stops ]

[ Phone Ringing ]

Jacguart speaking, senior guard
at the Kleber-Lafayette Museum.

[ Voice Ouivering ]
At your service, Excellency.

Yes, sir. I- I know it makes
a terrible noise, Excellency.

It was installed
for just that purpose.

No, no, Excellency.
I- I didn't install it.

Yes, sir, I know it's
the second time tonight.

It will- It will
be r-rectified right away.

Good night, Excellency.

Now guess who we woke up.

Switch off the lights.

I'm going to turn it off!

Permanently!

It worked. What do you know?

They've turned off the-
[ Mutters ]

- It worked.
- Well, didn't you expect it to?

- Y-Yes.
- Pull yourself together. You're a genius.

Yeah, I know.
It's a funny feeling.

Now, look. Wait until the moment
of maximum confusion,

and then start scrubbing like mad
in the direction of the guards' room.

- Guards' room?
- Thať's right.

But the guards!

When they see that the Venus is gone,
there will be guards everywhere...

except the guards' room.

- You look charming.
- Thank you.

[ Whispering ]
Come here.

Hang on to your bucket.

Stay here.

Hang on.

That way.

You know, Grandpa
was pretty good,

to say nothing of Grandma.

Gently.

Now, in the chimney with you
till the scrub women come.

Good luck.

[ Chattering ]

[ Dings ]

[ Footsteps Approaching ]

[ Man Groans ]

What a night we've had.

One alarm after another
and telephone calls from everybody.

Who do you think called
from across the street?

[ Blows ]

Don't just stand there gaping!
Get to your post, man!

And don't hesitate
when I give an order!

[ Grunting ]

Alarm!

[ All Chattering ]

Alarm!

Alarm! Robbers! Go!

Alarm!

[ Screams ]

[ Chattering Continues ]

[ Maid Gasps ]

[ Muffled Shouts ]

[ Grunting ]

Mmm. [ Chuckles ]

Get this silly bottle
out of here!

-[ Alarm Bells Ringing ]
-[ Siren Wailing ]

You!

[ Police Sirens Wailing ]

[ Reporters Clamoring ]

Can you give us a brief history
of the Venus, Mr. Bonnet?

Have the police reported
any progress yet?

Did you actually turn down
a million dollars for it?

How did you learn
about the robbery, sir?

I woke up in the night
with a sudden premonition.

At first, I thought it was something
I'd eaten, but, no.

Mr. Grammont, the director of the museum,
he called. He's on his way here now.

Are you offering a reward
for the return of the Venus?

No! Uh- Uh- What I mean to say
is that it seems so commercial...

to think of money
at a time like this.

I just heard the news.
I can't believe my ears or my eyes.

It's absolutely fantastic.
To pull off a thing like that!

Apparently, the police
are conducting an investigation.

The police? Man,
where's your spirit?

If we wait for the police, the Cellini Venus
will be out of the country.

We'll never set eyes on it again.

DeSolnay, I'm still vitally interested
in the Celliní Venus- hot or cold.

- You know what I mean by that?
- Leland, do you know what you are saying?

You're compounding a felony,

offering to become
a receiver of stolen goods.

Well, I'm an art lover.

As a public service,

I want to make an independent inguiry
to help the police. Is that a crime?

And if you find it,
a step or two ahead of the police?

Will you let me worry
about that.

- No. I'm an art dealer, not a fence.
- A fence?

I'll do it entirely on my own.
All l need is an opening contact.

- DeSolnay? All right, all right.
- Wait.

There happens to be a man
in Paris at the moment...

who specializes
in matters of fine art.

- His name is-
- Ah.

No, Leland, please.
Think of what you're trying to do.

- What about Nicole Bonnet?
- I want 'em both- Nicole and the Venus.

Leland, remember. I sold you
your first painting. I made you a collector.

- I thought it would help you to relax.
- Well, it's great.

I've never been so relaxed
in all my life!

- Yes, I can see that.
- The name! The name!

All right. The name is Simon Dermott.
He's staying at the Ritz.

Night Fighter calling Dawn Patrol.
Night Fighter calling Dawn Patrol.

Our telephone may be tapped, so we'll
conduct this entire conversation in Swahili.

How are you?
Did you sleep well?

Oh, Simon, isn't it too awful?
I slept beautifully.

And I've just eaten an enormous breakfast.
Isn't it ghastly?

It's your tainted blood.

Who? What? Oh! She's fine.

She's wrapped up in one of my old shirts
just as snug as could be.

I rocked her to sleep
in my arms last night.

It's the first time I ever did that
with a grandmother.

Simon, do you think
we should be seen together?

All right.
In an hour at the Ritz bar.

The Cellini Venus
was uninsured.

- Uninsured?
- Yes.

But I vaguely recollect
signing something for insurance.

Oh, but the policy
was not yet in force,

not until the technical examination
had been made.

Oh, yes,
the technical examination.

Well, a million more,
a million less.

I believe my father did buy it
at a bargain price.

Oh, my dear sir,
you are a prince.

I wish I could express properly
what- what I feel.

Professor Bauer, I daresay,
will be greatly disappointed.

Oh, yes,
and I must meet him now.

Please give him
my very kind regards...

and say I'm sorry not to be able
to see him on this trip.

Cheer up, my dear fellow.
It's not the end of the world, you know.

-[ Chuckles ]
-[ Door Opens ]

-[ Door Closes ]
- Ha!

- Nicole!
- [ Nicole ] Papa!

Marcel, champagne! Nicole!

- Papa!
- Where are you?

I'm here! We're saved!

- Isn't it marvelous? We're saved.
- Oh, my darling.

Thank heaven for
the criminal class.

I'm so happy. You don't have to go to jail.
I don't have to go to America.

- It's too beautiful.
- We must celebrate!

Take it into the library.
We'll have a lunch,

and then tonight- fireworks,
cocktails and a magnificent dinner.

Yes, Papa,
but not right away.

I have a very important
appointment at the Ritz.

But I'll be right back,
I promise.

I'll start by myself!

The Ritz? Again?

♪♪ [ Piano ]

You realize what you're asking
is extremely difficult and dangerous?

- Yes, I know that, Mr. Dermott.
- Please, no names.

We may be up against some
very desperate characters.

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

- Them?
- Those.

Fortunately, I have
a few contacts.

This morning, I made a few inguiries,
put out a few feelers-

- Who?
- Just idle curiosity.

- You've got a lead?
- It's too early for anything concrete.

Leť's just say I suspect
who was involved.

Is it- Is it-- Is the-

you know, what we're talking about-—
is it still in France?

- I think so.
- Oh.

Yeah, I think I can definitely state
it's still in France.

You realize you just might be paying
a great deal of money for something...

you could never exhibit, never even display,
not even in your own house?

Yes, I know. I want it.

I just wanna take it out
of the vault-

all alone- just look at it
now and then.

Know that it's mine,
that l own it, that I can touch it.

One more thing.

Do you happen to know the owners,
any member of the Bonnet family?

Well, I've met Bonnet.
I know his daughter too.

As a matter of fact,
I'm gonna see her tonight.

Oh, don't. Drop her. Don't see her.
Don't even telephone her. Thatť's vital.

Any contact with any member
of the Bonnet family would be fatal.

- The criminals would spot it and suspect a trap.
- But we're engaged.

You know,
you're a lucky fella.

From what I hear,
she's an enchanting girl.

Ah, what the hell.
The world's full of statues.

- Forget the Venus.
- No! No, listen- No.

I'll- I'll do anything you say.

- I'll give you my word.
- Okay.

-[ Sighs ]
- I'll call you later in the day.

All right. All right.
You'll contact me? Thanks.

- Sit tight. Wait for the call.
- Right. Right.

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

Hello.

- Do I look all right?
- Fine. Why?

Well, I just met this fellow,

and he treated me
like I was a leper or something.

I just wanted
to give him back this.

Oh, really? Well, have a drink.
Good for morale.

Yes. Let's have some champagne
to celebrate!

You can't celebrate a crime.
Thať's immoral, eh?

Well, uh, you handle it.
It's too confusing.

Bottle of Dom Perignon, please.
You'll be all right. You're at the awkward age-

too old to be a juvenile delinguent,
too young to be a hardened criminal.

We did it. Did you see
the papers and the television?

Did you hear the radio?

It's the crime of the century practically.
And we did it.

Well, you were the brain
behind it,

but I was of some help,
wasn't I?

We worked well together,
considering it was our first job.

- Shh. Calm down.
- I know I shouldn't carry on so.

It's all a day's work for you,
but it's my first burglary.

- Mine too.
- Bringing it off the way we...

did.

What?

My first burglary.

Then what were you doing
in our house that night?

You sure you want to know?

No. Yes.

I'm a private detective
specializing in stolen works of art...

and in tracing, detecting
and exposing forgeries.

-[ Gasps ]
- I'm also an authority on museum security,

being a special consultant to
principal museums in London,

New York, Chicago,
Madrid, even Leningrad.

I have degrees in
the history of art and chemistry...

and the London University diploma-—
with distinction- in advanced criminology.

- You're all of that?
- Mm-hmm.

Then you're not a burglar?

I was chipping a piece of your father's paint
from that lovely van Gogh...

when you loomed up in your nightie
and shot me in the arm.

- Bring another glass.
- Yes, sir.

- Papa!
- I don't believe we've met.

My name is Charles Bonnet.
May I please join you?

Simon Dermott.
By all means.

Papa, this is a friend of mine.
He's, uh, uh-

- He was telling me-
- Yes. Yes. Blue eyes,

tall, guite good-looking.

A terrible man.
[ Chuckles ]

I believe we have
some interests in common.

You have two gorgeous girls
in your family, Mr. Bonnet.

Two?

The other is upstairs
wrapped in a shirt in my room.

Aha!

[ Chuckles ]

And which, may I ask,
do you intend to keep?

The real one.

A very sound choice,
if I may say so.

- I think so.
- And the other?

I have plans for her too.
I think you'il be pleased.

Really?

In fact, I have to attend to her right now,
so if you'll both excuse me.

But-

Hmph. Extraordinary.
ls he always so abrupt?

- Not in the closet.
- Ah.

-[ Screams ]
-[ People Gasp ]

[ Chuckles ]

[ Plane Engines Roaring ]

- Key!
- Oh. You've done a wonderful job!

You sure you don't want
any money?

Shh!

You will be contacted.

Don't worry if it's not
in the near future.

Ah, I-

The code word will be...
togetherness!

Togetherness! I got it.

- Happy landings.
- The same to you.

Togetherness!

No, no.

[ Bell Dings ]

My dear boy, what a coup!

And he's the only collector
who'd never dare have it tested.

How much did you say he was paying
for the Venus, uh, my son?

I didn't say, Papa.

But I'm sure you picked
a nice round figure.

Oh, I have.

- 0, 0, 0, 0.
- Ooh!

-“Gift from Charles Bonnet to Davis Leland."
- You-

Sit down, Mr. Bonnet.

You happen to be a forger.

My business happens to be
catching forgers and putting them in prison.

Yes, that, uh,
could be very awkward.

- One of us has to retire.
- Fair enough.

Shall we toss a coin for it?

-[ Chuckles ]
- I've already tossed one on the way here.

- And?
- You lost.

[ Groans ]

Come on. You had a great run,
and you were the best.

Hang up your brushes and paint
and retire while you're on top.

What do you say,
champ?

Here is my answer.

Indian wrestling
at a time like this?

Oh, Nicole,
my darling child!

You tell her.
I'm too moved.

Papa has seen the light.
He's going straight.

- Papa! Will you be all right?
- He'll survive.

And if we miss our plane,
we may be getting married in prison.

This is the most
remarkable young man.

The way he explained things,
the path of righteousness became...

clearly defined.

-[ Sighs ]
- Now, hurry, my children, before I break down...

completely.

The-The van Gogh?

Hmm. Oh!

Senor, welcome!

Come in! Come in!

Come in!
[ Laughing ]

[ Both Laughing, Chattering ]

Who's that?

Papa's cousin.

From South America.

Go! Go! Go!

You know, for someone
who started lying just recently,

you're showing a real flair.

Oh, thank you!

Captioned by Captions, Inc.