All language subtitles for Everybody Hates Chris - 1x13 - Everybody Hates Picture Day

[***]

NARRATOR:
Of all the things in school

that could affect
your life forever,

making friends, taking tests,

the one thing
that could really affect it

was your school picture.

If your picture looked good,

everybody thought
you were cool,

and every girl wanted one.

I got one!

Ladies, ladies, please.

I'm signing as fast as I can.

Chris only has one hand.

NARRATOR:
When you took a bad picture, it
was like giving out subpoenas.

Hey, I got some
yearbook pictures.

Five by sevens,
five by sevens.

Wallet size.
Hey, I'll frame it up for you.

I will frame it up for you.

NARRATOR:
So this year I had to prepare,

and the first thing I had to do

was find the right outfit.

I really wanted to look good.

The problem was, my mother
wanted me to look good too.

Chris,

I got your outfit
for picture day.

NARRATOR:
Only thing missing
was a hat with a propeller.

[***]

* Aw, make it funky now

Oh, Chris, you look sharp.

I look stupid.

How come I have to wear
Drew's old stuff?

Oh, baby, I had to buy
Drew a new pair of pants

and Tonya a new pair of shoes
for their school pictures.

What's wrong?
You look fine.

NARRATOR:
My father thought
any clothes were good clothes

Well, that's 'cause
he didn't have matching socks

till he was 29.
I look like an idiot.

Baby, you do not look
like an idiot to me.

NARRATOR:
That'd be great if I was two.

Well, can I please
wear something else?

Long as I don't
have to pay for it.

Just find
something to wear

and I'll take
a look at it, okay?

I don't have
anything special.

When I was a kid,
we didn't need special clothes.

Just having clothes was special.

NARRATOR:
The only way I was gonna get
my mother to spend money on me

was if not doing it
would embarrass her.

Mom, I'm the only black kid
in the whole school.

They already think
I'm a crack baby.

Wearing this sweater, they'll
probably think I'm on welfare.

Who said we were on welfare?

Be home from school
on time tomorrow.

We're gonna
go shopping.

I thought you said
we didn't have the money.

Oh, I'll get it.

Or they'll think
that we on welfare.

NARRATOR:
If people thought
we were homeless,

I could've got
some leather socks.

When my mother couldn't get
any business to hire her,

she would start
her own business from home.

The secret to success
in selling Yvonne cosmetics

is in attitude.

Now, when I started
selling Yvonne,

I was like
a lot of you.

I was raising my kids,
doing housework

and wondering
where I went wrong. But since,

I've divorced my husband,
my kids moved in with my mother,

and just last month
I won an award:

the Yvonne yellow
Buick Riviera.

Wait. So how can
we make money again?

Well, you do like me.

You sell your products
to women like yourself,

then they sell them
to women like them.

Now, isn't that
the pyramid scheme?

Oh, no. Of course not.

We use the triangulated
vertical integration model,

or TVI for short.

TVIs work from
the bottom up.

This is your business, ladies.

There is no one
below you.

So that means
we're at the top.

No, you're at the bottom.

But that's as high
as you can go.

Count me in.

Me too.
Yeah, girl.

We're gonna make some money.

NARRATOR:
While my mother
was keeping it together,

Tonya was tearing things apart.

You broke my car?
It fell.

It didn't just fall.

What were you doing
in here anyway?

I was trying to see if my doll
could ride in it.

It's a model car.

Nobody's supposed to fit in it.

It's just a stupid car,
Drew.

Say you're sorry.
I ain't saying nothing.

NARRATOR:
Drew was a pretty nice guy,
but if you crossed him,

it was a whole different game.
It's all right.

NARRATOR:
Translation:
You done messed up.

What's all this?

Yvonne cosmetics.

I'm gonna be a sales rep.

You're not working
from home again, are you?

NARRATOR:
My father hated
when my mother

went into business
for herself.

I know it's January, sir,

but candy corn is not just
for Halloween anymore.

NARRATOR:
She ran up the phone bill.

She put my father to work.

What you mean you got to
put it together yourself?

Shh! What size
shoe you wear?

NARRATOR:
And she was always eating.

Well, Supperware
is just like Tupperware,

except it's for us.

How much does
all of this cost?

$75.

Where'd you get $75?

From our savings account.

How are we supposed to save
if you keep taking money out?

I need money to buy a new outfit
for Chris's picture day.

But if you don't think
that I can do it, then fine.

NARRATOR:
Translation: How come
you're always putting me down?

It's not that. I--

I just don't want all these
women hanging out over here,

running their mouth, eating
our food and wasting your time.

It's not gonna be
a waste of time.

All right.

NARRATOR:
Meanwhile, Drew
was getting revenge,

and Tonya couldn't tell how.

What are you
doing in my room?

Are you gonna say sorry? Okay.
No.

NARRATOR:
That's the same thing
Martha Stewart said

before they sent her to jail.

[***]

What happened
to your hair?

I wanted to try
something new for picture day.

Man, you should try again.

Come on, man,
it's like Billy Idol.

It's just hair gel.
Yeah, but on picture day,

aren't you supposed
to look like...

I don't know... You?

It was either this
or Boy George.

Boy George? Man, the girls
would have been all over you.

What about for your picture?
You do anything special?

My mom's taking me shopping
for a new outfit.

Get out. What are you gonna get?
I don't know.

Anything that does not have
a big red fire truck on it.

Nice hair. You waiting
for a white wedding?

[BOYS LAUGHING]
Those guys are losers.

NARRATOR:
You should have seen Greg
on picture day

after he started listening
to ZZ Top.

Irwin's was our
neighborhood clothing store.

Before rappers
had clothing lines,

you can get an outfit
for under $40.

Welcome to Irwin's.

Thank you. Uh, we're
looking for an outfit.

With the right outfit,
you can beat any charge.

I'm not charged with anything.

We're just looking for an outfit
for his school pictures.

Oh, oh. Okay, good.

Stay in school, kid.
It'll keep you out of jail.

NARRATOR:
Yeah, that
and not breaking the law.

Come here. You know what
good clothes look like? Please.

[***]

It's okay.
You don't like that?

Mom.
No.

Put it back.

NARRATOR:
To find the perfect outfit
for picture day,

I tried out all kinds of looks.

The Isaac Hayes look.

The Don King look.

The Rerun.

[LAUGHING]

Boy, get in there.

Thurston Howell III.

And finally, the
"Please, Mama, can I have it?"

We got Chris a new outfit
for his school picture.

It's so cool. I have
a suede-front shirt.

You got Chris a suede shirt?

I don't even
have suede shoes.

How much does
a suede shirt cost?

Don't worry, Julius. I'll pay
for it out of my Yvonne money.

You sold all
that stuff already?

I'm having a party tomorrow.

You're having a party?
Wish I was having a party.

So Tonya, I was trying to put
your outfit together

for your school picture, and I
was only able to find one shoe.

Where's your other shoe?
Huh?

Your shoes. Your brand-new
pair of shoes.

One is missing.
Where's the other one?

Wish I could afford
to lose a shoe.

Drew took it.

No, I didn't.

NARRATOR:
The only way Tonya
could tell on Drew

was if she told on herself.

So she had a choice to make,

and it kinda made her
feel like this...

You're a low-down
lying Yankee.

Prove it.

[NEIGHING]

Why would Drew take your shoe?
I don't know.

Wish I could afford
to not know stuff.

Well, you need to stop lying
on people and find your shoe.

NARRATOR:
It was only
a few times at my school

that I actually felt good.
Now, the day I showed up

in a suede-front shirt,
that was one of them.

Yo, what's that?
Suede.

NARRATOR:
Greg's look went
from Billy Idol

to his other idol, Pat Riley.

BOY:
Hey, Chris.

Hey, Huggy Bear.
Nice shirt. When you get done,

you can make some
hushpuppies out of it.

He's just jealous.

NARRATOR:
I had never had another kid
feel jealous of me before.

It felt kind of cool.
And then this happened.

My clothes are gone.

Oh, man, they're taking
pictures next period.

Don't you think I know that?

* Everybody hates Chris

What's wrong, Scatman?
Where'd you put my clothes?

I don't know what
you're talking about.

You do know
what I'm talking about.

You stole my clothes.

Did you see me
steal your clothes?

Maybe you lost them.

Well, maybe your mama
lost them.
What?

That shirt cost $35,
and I want it back.

I don't have it, Nipsy.

We gone see about that.

NARRATOR:
I knew Caruso would never
give me back my clothes

unless I proved I was willing
to do what I needed to do.

So I told on him.
He stole my clothes.

No, I didn't.
Yes, you did.

NARRATOR:
Mrs. Malone was the school's
assistant principal.

She was promoted to the
position after proving the only

thing she hated more than kids
was working with kids.

Stop it. Both of you.

I don't have time for this.

If you stole his clothes,
give them back now.

I didn't.

See?

Told you.

I don't like liars,
young man.

Lie to me again,

that's detention.
NARRATOR:I wonder what

I would have gotten
if I'd stomped on her big toe.

[STUDENTS CHATTERING
INDISTINCTLY]

I can't take
my pictures in this.

You might not have to.
Come on.

NARRATOR:
My mother was good
at buying stuff,

but she was never
any good at selling.

Okay, ladies, can I have
your attention, please?

NARRATOR:
These women are worse than
pigeons in Central Park.

Wait, 'cause
that's the last one.

Ladies, can I have
your attention, please?

I think I'm going to stick
with these right here.

Um, ladies, how about
we all have a seat?

Here, in here, please.

Take a seat.
Thank you.

Please, be seated.

Okay, I would like to tell you
about the benefits

of buying and selling
Yvonne cosmetics.

Ooh, what is that?

Oh, this is a light skin-blemish
cream. It removes--

No, no, no, I'm talking
about the sauce on these wings.

Oh, those are honey barbecue.

Yes. So, um...

Ooh, these are good.

I mean, good.

Thank you very much,
I appreciate that.

So getting back
to the cosmetic line,

what we need to do, ladies,
is position ourselves--

What's your name again?

My name is Rochelle.

Rochelle.
With Yvonne cosmetics,

you need to
position yourself

in order to...
You know what?

Mmm. I am late. I have got
to go pick up my sister's son.

I am so...

Ooh, but this is really nice.
It really was.

But wait, I didn't
explain to you

the marketing strategy
for Yvonne cosmetics.

You know what, we-we'll come
back again next time.

All right, then. You know,
I'm sorry. You know what?

I got to go too. I know,
I know, I'm so sorry.

I gotta go.
It's getting late.

You so sweet.
God bless

your little heart, you're just
as cute as you can be.

I, uh... You too? I...

This was great.

Let us know when
you want to do it again.

NARRATOR:
They ran out of there like

Keith Sweat tickets
were on sale.

How y'all just going to--?
[DOOR CLOSES]

[***]

Spent all this money!

They ate all this?

If you say,
"I told you so,"

they might be the last words
you ever say.

That's not what
I was going to say.

Oh, it's not?
No.

Oh.

Well, what were you
going to say?

You need to get it
together.

What?
I put $75 into this,

so as far as I'm concerned,
that makes us partners.

And I want my money back.

You think people are just
going to buy this junk?

Look, I tried to
give my speech, Julius.

Nobody cares about that.

This is makeup,
it's not heat,

it's not lights,
it's not clothes.

I don't know how you're going
to sell this stuff.

But either you gonna
get my money,

or I'm gonna
get my money.

Now, how are you going
to get your money?

I don't know,
but I'm gonna get my money.

You've got
to be kidding me.

What choice do you have?

My mother spent $35
on a new shirt for me to wear.

I can't take a picture
in lost and found clothes.

What'd you spend
on the pictures, $15?

Oh, she's gonna kill me.

You'd better take
this picture.

At least she'll have something
to remember you by.

NARRATOR:
The only thing Greg
was worse at

than fighting
was cheering people up.

It's not suede,
but it's not bad.

NARRATOR:
If I had known kids
were losing clothes this cool,

I would never have gone
shopping in the first place.

Thank you. Thank you.

All right, go ahead
and take a spot

back by the girl in the pink
in the back row.

And you can sit
right here, buddy.

NARRATOR:
This looks like
the educated Wu Tang Clan.

All right,

smile.
One, two...

WOMAN:
Hold on one second.

Chris, will you step
into the hallway?

Go ahead. We'll wait.

What's going on?

He stole my shoes.
That's my sweater.

That's my shirt.
Those are my pants.

NARRATOR:
How the hell did he get home
with no pants?

I didn't steal them. I got them
from the lost and found.

Did you lose them?
No.

Then you can't find them.

You'd better find something
to wear.

You can't take a picture
in your underwear.

[WHIMPERS]

NARRATOR:
I guess nobody ever
told Prince that.

[ALL MURMURING]

Where'd you get that?

Drama department.

I felt better
in my underwear.

Just stay back here.
Nobody will notice you.

Hey, kid, can you kind
of slide over some?

Who, me?
Yeah, you.

[***]

Nah, it's no good.

You know what?
Just come up front.

I'd rather stay back here.

Come on. Your mother
will be able to see you

and you won't be lost
in the back row.

NARRATOR:
My day was going bad, but my
mother's was going worse.

Ladies? Ladies, can I--?
Can I please get your attention?

Ooh, Rochelle,
this was just great.

Um, I gotta go,
but, uh, let me know

when you're gonna do this--

Oh, no, no, no, no!
You are not leaving! Sit down!

Oh!
You too. Sit down.

We do not appreciate
being talked to like this.

Shut up!

Now I brought you here
to sell some Evonne,

and by damn it, I'm going
to sell some Evonne.

Rochelle, that is not the way
we sellYvonne.

Be quiet.

Now let me ask y'all a question.

Why are you here?

To buy and sell Yvonne? No.

You're here because
you can't get a man.

We're here because
we don't need a man.

Didn't I tell you
to be quiet?

What?

Now, I know y'all say
y'all don't want a man,

and I know you say
you don't need a man,

but the truth is,
you can't get a man.

NARRATOR:
What you talking about, Willis?

Look at her.

You don't think
she don't want a man?

Why do you think
she wears all this makeup?

Believe or not,
the heifer's 62 years old.

[ALL GASP]

But she looks good.

And if you want to look
like this when you're 62,

I suggest that you purchase
some Yvonne.

WOMAN: Get your wallet.
Come on, baby. Please come.

Come here 'cause I saw the
dry scalp from across the room.

And you know what? You gotta
get this skin lighter here.

You know, it's always ashy.
No, let me tell you.

You gotta put it
on your hands.

Thank you so much.
It was great having you.

Girl, stop
stealing crackers.

Take care.
All right now.

All right, girl,
no more chicken.

All right, take care
of that little boy.

I have to tell you

I've never seen anything
like this in my life.

You know what
we should do next?

We should schedule
another party,

but this time,
let's do it at my house.

Okay.
But-but, I still
want you to bring the chicken.

Well, you know what?
That sounds really good.

Great. When
do you want to do it?

On your 63rd birthday.

Hey, is that my money?

This is your money.
This is my money.

NARRATOR:
Women say that in divorce court
every day.

You're blocking my light.

Drew, do you have my shoe?

I don't know what
you're talking about.

Tonya, why you
in here fooling around?

You have a picture
to take tomorrow.

You need to be looking
for the other shoe.

Now!

[***]

I'm sorry.

What? I couldn't hear you.
What'd you say?

NARRATOR:
Drew was never the type
to take advantage of people,

but Tonya had it coming, so he
was gonna give it to her.

I said I'm sorry.

Sorry for what?

Come on, Drew, dang.

I don't know what
you're talking about, Tonya.

I'm sorry
for breaking your car,

and I won't mess
with your stuff anymore.

And you'll stay out
of our room?

Yes.

Good.

Now give me my shoe back.

I don't have your shoe.

NARRATOR:
All he wanted
was to see her crawl.

Tonya.

Here.

Thanks.

NARRATOR:
Three hours later, Tonya set
his Voltron robot on fire.

Oh, Julius!
look at your baby girl.

She's so...
JULIUS: She looks so good!

[GASPS]

Look at my handsome man!

Oh, you are just too fine
for words.

Look at him, Julius.

Look at that, how cute he is.
Aw, man, so handsome.

Chris, where's
your pictures?

NARRATOR:
I hadn't told my mother
about the school picture.

But when they arrived,
I had no choice.

Now, before you look
at the picture,

I have to tell you
something.

What?

Somebody stole my clothes.

Somebody stole your clothes?

Why in the world would somebody
steal your clothes, boy?

I got one!

Ladies, ladies, please,
I'm signing as fast as I can.

Doyle only has one hand.

I don't think
you're gonna like them.

Chris, even if I don't
like the pictures,

it's not the end
of the world.

You are a handsome
young man,

and I love you
either way, baby, okay?

It cannot be
that bad.

NARRATOR:
Every now and again,
my mother made me feel

like I wasn't the biggest nerd
in the world.

And for a moment,
I actually felt

like the picture didn't matter.

A lawn jockey?

You took your pictures
dressed as a lawn jockey?

What, they've run out
of monkey suits?

* Everybody hates Chris

NARRATOR:
Stay tuned for scenes
from our next episode.

[***]

* Aw, make it funky now