Original subtitles

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

RICK [OVER RADIO]: This is Rick Dees.

If you want a song played, get in touch with us, call the radio station, no problem.

[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS OVER RADIO]

ANNOUNCER: You've parked in an abandoned lot. You attend the movie.

You come out to find your car has been tampered with.

Thieves have broken the window, ripped off your stereo.

Naked wires hang were your equalizer used to be.

This wouldn't have happened had you purchased

the James Brown auto alarm! Listen!

[GLASS SHATTERS]

JAMES BROWN [SHOUTING]: Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

ANNOUNCER: The James Brown auto alarm, scattering thieves near and far!

The James Brown auto alarm.

Get yours today!

JAMES BROWN [SHOUTING]: Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

* Hey! Here I go again *

* Fallin' in love With a smile *

* I can't stay Out of trouble *

* I try to fail As much as I can *

* I can't repeat What she said *

* We're talkin' CPR *

* If things get any hotter *

* I'm gonna need A doctor tonight, yeah *

* She's a whole lot of woman Whole lot of woman *

* And here she comes **

Oof! Oh. What are you doing?

Here. Oh, never mind.

[WALTER YELLS]

MAN: Morning.

[PEOPLE YELL INDISTINCTLY]

Coffee.

What time did you get out of here last night, 2, 3 a. m.?

Look at you. You look like you've been in a plane crash.

This may come as a shock to you, Walter,

but humans sleep. I know, I know.

But Gruen gave me a big project. I think it's some kind of test. I had to come through.

Where's my depreciation schedule? I've lost my depreciation...

I think I have everything. Profit plan,

flow charts...

How much time do I have? Four minutes.

Walter.

You know, you really gotta wind down. I'm getting something out of this.

You are not gonna believe what happened last night.

You did some work on your presentation.

No. No work at all?

Went to The Blue Dragon, had drinks...

If this is another sex story, I don't wanna hear it.

Bringing the embalmer chick tonight? She's not an embalmer. She does hair.

No. I have a date with a gorgeous...

I leave the club, heading to the parking lot.

I see this woman, she's maybe 35, kind of classy.

I figure she's waiting for the valet to come around with her car.

What the hell, I talk to her.

Turns out, she came in a limo. I say, "Oh. I've never been in a limo before. "

She stares at me for maybe 30 seconds, then says, "Let's take a ride. "

We're in the limo, she pushes some button,

this wall comes up between us and the driver.

She hits another button, the sunroof opens up, bar slides open.

She pours us a couple of vodkas, puts on Sly and the Family Stone.

Next thing I know, we're sliding onto PCH.

* Hot fun In the summertime **

Full moon, 2 a.m., vodka, limo, music.

And I'm thinking: I love L.A.

I don't believe you. So we start to kiss.

I slide my hand up her dress. What do I find? Garter belt.

Every woman you go with wears garter belts.

So I tell her I want her,

from behind, standing up, with my head sticking out the sunroof.

So we start doing it, you know.

We're going 60, my head is sticking out the roof, my hair going like that...

This didn't happen. None of this. There was no limo, no woman, sunroof...

Here, here, here.

That's disgusting. Yeah.

That is sexist.

I'm ashamed to know you. How do you get women to do these things?

As I'm sure you know by now, Yakamoto has agreed to entrust the management

of all his personal and corporate assets to us.

No small thanks to the efforts of Harry Gruen.

[GROUP CLAPPING]

I'm sure Mr. Yakamoto's confidence in us

will increase with the lethal charm you're all going to exude tonight.

A word of caution.

The guy's very traditional. Very old-fashioned ideas about women.

Wives have to follow certain rules.

Can't speak until spoken to, don't sit until he does, all that crap.

[GROUP CHUCKLING]

Meanwhile, heh,

he keeps a stable of concubines you wouldn't believe.

[MEN LAUGHING]

Anyway, uh,

this is a very old-world guy.

So watch yourselves, and keep your wives away from the mai tais.

Okay, a few facts about the man. Denny,

show us Yakamoto's real estate holdings for '85.

Oh. Damn.

Spreadsheets are still printing out. Machine's been down all morning.

Okay, forget it. Walter, let's have your report.

Yakamoto Worldwide has demonstrated almost recession-proof capabilities.

Even in a disastrous third quarter,

his fish oil conglomerate

bolstered his net worth by some 27%.

[CHATTERING]

Walter, you look like shit. Where were you last night?

I was here until 3.

Walter, this is the money business. Image is everything.

Look at you. This jacket is shit.

See, men like Yakamoto don't make deals with the lint man here.

Now look at Denny. That's a suit.

Armani, sir. Sure.

Take a few tips from him. Yes, sir.

Well, we'll make a first-class assistant portfolio assessor out of you yet.

I'll see you at dinner.

Who's he bringing? I don't know, sir.

God, I hope it's not the embalmer.

Can I borrow your wife? Sure. $50.

Denise bagged out on me for the dinner. Boss expects me to bring a date.

They haven't met Susie. They don't know she's my sister-in-law.

She'd do it, but it's our anniversary.

We're going to Spago's. I'm destroyed.

Watch this. This guy's gonna make an offer.

Have you decided? I can't go any higher than 15-5.

Bob, no can do. It's 17 list.

What? You told me it was 18,000 list.

You made $1000 off your brother?

No wonder you're going to Spago's. I'm bankrolling the whole thing.

Stop it. You're scaring him.

Ted, you're scaring me. I knew you were a bullshitter. But your own flesh and blood...

We'll talk.

Hey, I'll make it up to you.

Oh? You'll write me a check? I'll solve your problem.

I know this... Stop.

You don't know what I'm gonna say.

You're gonna recommend one of your psychotic friends.

I resent that, Walter.

You've tried to find me Miss Right before. You forget to mention one crucial detail:

Like she's a dopehead, a lesbian, or keeps a dead cat in the freezer.

What a New Year's that was. "Get the champagne's out of the icebox. "

I'm sorry. Seriously, I know someone. Nadia Gates, Susie's cousin.

Ted, I don't wanna hear it. Don't you trust your own brother?

No argument there. But all my usual bullshit aside, Nadia's amazing.

She's just moved back in to town

and wants to meet people! What's she like?

She's a sweetheart, good sense of humor. You are gonna love her!

No, I am not gonna love her because this is not going to happen.

Suit yourself. But I give her my highest recommendation.

Ha. Talk about the kiss of death.

We'll be home for an hour if you change your mind!

I won't!

WALTER: Hi. Is Chloe there?

Do you have the number to the rifle range?

Never mind. Look, I'll just call her later. Thanks.

[LINE RINGING]

TED [OVER PHONE]: Hello? Is she reasonably good looking?

"Reasonably" doesn't begin to describe it.

Looking at her picture now and I'm telling you she's an honest-to-God knockout.

Ted, just this once, please. The truth.

Susie. SUSIE: Mm-hm?

Tell Walter Nadia's pretty. She's very pretty, Walter.

How long ago was the picture taken? Uh... Four years ago.

Four years? Ted, she could've had a disfiguring accident in four years.

She could've gained hundreds of pounds.

She's gorgeous. Will you stop it.

SUSIE: Oh, my God. I almost forgot.

Don't get her drunk. She loses control completely.

But don't get her drunk. If you get her drunk,

she loses control.

Are we talking a loss of inhibitions, or she does she pee on the floor?

What does "lose control" mean?

Oh, you know, she gets real wild.

She gets real wild.

[BARKS THEN SNARLS]

All right. I may kill you later, but I'm doing this now

before I change my mind. Give me the number.

WOMAN: Walter? Yeah.

Come on in.

I'll just be a minute.

[WHISTLES]

Hey, I hope you don't mind giving me a hand with my suitcase.

I mean, I'm moving out of here. I'll be staying with a friend.

If you feel like it, a friend of mine is having an art exhibit.

If we have time before dinner, maybe we could go, okay?

WALTER: Yeah, no problem.

Well, here goes, Walter. Ready or not.

Oh, damn it. This has been going on all night.

There may be some matches right over there somewhere.

WALTER: Let me look.

NADIA: It may be over there.

Oh. Here.

Now this is a blind date. Here's your chance to run for it.

Your very last chance.

[***]

You missed your chance.

I'm glad.

Oh.

[WALTER GRUNTS]

[***]

Yes.

Walter, I had no idea.

[CHUCKLES]

Do you know this artist? No.

I mean, I've met him once. He's Susie's friend.

Ah. I mean, coming was her idea.

We can go. No, no.

Really, I don't have any obligation to him.

No, come on. Um...

We're both adults, aren't we?

Heh-heh. I thought I was.

I don't know. Maybe I'm not now.

[PEOPLE CHATTERING]

Can I ask you something?

Yeah, yeah, I guess so.

How come you didn't you have a date tonight?

I mean, is there something I should know?

So far, I can't imagine why you wouldn't have a date every night of the week.

You know what? I was thinking the same about you.

Come on, I'm serious. I'm serious too. I was just thinking that.

No, well,

okay, I asked you first.

I stopped dating about three months ago.

I was involved but it didn't work out.

Boy, how it didn't work out. So I was living in Baton Rouge with my mama.

And you're my first date. But you almost weren't.

Susie talked me into it...

I'm glad to say.

So how about you?

Well, my date backed out at the last minute...

I'm glad to say.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Oh.

You want some candy? Oh, uh...

I'm not much of a candy person.

Oh. That's good. I always was a candy person.

Some people drink, some people do drugs. I do sugar.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Oh. This looks Japanese.

"Master and Concubines"?

It's Yakamoto. What is?

The reason for this big business dinner tonight

is this Japanese industrialist new client of ours.

He's old-world Japanese. His got a wife that's more like a slave,

and he keeps concubines.

You gotta be kidding. No. His wife knows all about it.

It's traditional or something.

Tell me something, Walter. Are you into those traditions?

No, I'm actually a one-concubine kind of guy,

actually. Good.

So, what was it that made you break up with this guy?

What do you mean? What was he like?

Oh. Psychopath.

Like that guy over there. Aah!

WALTER: What's wrong?

That's him. That's my psychotic ex-boyfriend David.

There. The guy in that goofy bow tie.

WALTER: He looks okay to me.

NADIA: He's been chasing me for three months. I had to move twice.

I think he's coming over here. Walter, watch it. Please just hide.

WALTER: Just relax.

Hello, Nadia.

David, don't start anything. I just came over to say hello.

Hi, I'm David.

Walter. She has every reason to be upset.

I was so helplessly in love, I made a total asshole out of myself.

Apology accepted. Nice to meet you.

How long you been going out with Nadia?

None of your business.

It is my business. There's not a night that's gone by, not an hour has passed...

You son of a bitch, are you drilling her? I just wanna know.

Shut your mouth and leave her alone. Come on.

Wait, Nadia, I wanna talk with you. Son of a bitch, I'll find you.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

I have an idea. Yeah? What?

[LAUGHS]

Thank you.

Okay, Walter, what's going on? Well,

we have about half an hour. Indulge me.

[GUITAR TUNING]

You like guitar? Oh, yeah, I do.

MAN: We're all set. How's the level for you?

Okay, it's basically cool.

If you could just turn up the monitors a little bit and we'll be there. Thanks.

Walter, how you doing? Good, Stanley. How you doing?

You been all right? You bring your guitar?

Heh. No, I brought something better than a guitar.

Hi, how you doing? Hi, how are you?

Good, good.

You ever heard him play? He's really fantastic.

[GUITAR PLAYING GENTLE MELODY]

Relax, sip a little champagne.

I don't think I should drink. Why not?

Well, the last three or four times I...

I mean, it sort of makes me go crazy. I mean...

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

Well, one little glass isn't gonna make you go crazy, is it?

This is our first toast.

To auspicious beginnings.

It's really good. Ha-ha.

MAN: Stanley Jordan, take two. Rolling.

[PLAYING "TREASURES"]

NADIA: So, what made you think to stop by here?

WALTER: Well, I used record here now and then

when I thought I wanted to be a musician.

I played guitar. But I really don't have much time for it now.

I used to play all the time. I went to the bathroom

with a Stratocaster around my neck. I drove my mom nuts. I got tendinitis.

Why did you give it up?

Well...

because if you wanna be a musician,

you're guaranteeing a life of poverty and obscurity for yourself

unless you're really talented like Stanley.

And...

I got a good job now,

good car. In another year, I'll be able to get a condo.

[GIGGLES]

I don't know.

It just kind of made sense.

God, we're gonna be late. Let me give you a little...

Oh, I'm getting bad.

I'm starting to feel the champagne.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

That's okay.

Feel away.

Come on.

[ELEGANT MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

[NADIA GIGGLING]

Hi, I called for Davis, for two, please.

Joseph, table six. Follow me, please.

Please don't touch the flowers. The arrangement is very expensive.

These things never smell. Never smell good anyway. Whoo! Oh!

Sorry. Oh, my God. That's all right. That's all right.

You sure? It'll be fine.

Lovely-looking girl. Thank you.

You know my wife. Yes, hello.

Very nice to meet you, Mrs. Gruen.

Thank you. Excuse me, do you think you could find me a couple safety pins?

Safety pins?

No, I don't think so.

There's a lot of roast beef in here.

[IN FRENCH ACCENT] Would you care for a cocktail?

A bottle of your finest champagne. Very good.

Thank you.

NADIA: Oh, my God.

That's Yakamoto.

[SPEAKS IN JAPANESE]

Good evening.

My wife. Very nice to meet you, Mr. Yakimoto.

Yakamoto.

Ah.

Mrs. Yakamoto.

How lovely you look. Thank you.

That's incredible. She's like a geisha girl.

[SPEAKS IN JAPANESE]

Cupcake, would you excuse me for just a minute?

Business.

They still do that in Japan? I don't know...

Walter, you old dog. Huh-huh.

Denny Gordon, this is Nadia Gates. How do you do?

Hi. I gotta hand it to you.

This is the most exciting woman in the place.

Thank you. I like your tie. Where did you get it?

I don't remember. Probably one of those places over on Rodeo.

Where's that? You don't know where Rodeo is?

No, I know where it is. I just wondered if you did.

[CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLES]

What happened to your pocket?

Oh, we had a little... That's the new style.

See? Oh, that looks nice.

Aren't you forgetting your date? My date? Oh, right. Yes.

I do hope that we'll meet again.

"Denny Gordon, assistant supervisor, real estate analysis. "

Where'd you get that? It must have fallen out of my pocket...

You pressed it in my hand. I don't think I did that.

You put it right in my hand. You see...

Why? Did you think I'd call you up? Come on, you know how it is.

No, I don't think he does know how it is.

He's not a vain slime ball pig that's led around by his dick.

[CHUCKLES]

I guess that just about sums it up, huh, Denny?

Walter, you know, all's fair in love and...

You know. she's right. You really are a slime ball pig.

Hey, Denny. Your ex-fianc�e, she just took a hike.

DENNY: Oh, jeez.

Honey?

Sweetheart.

I'll be right back, sir. You're looking lovely.

YAKAMOTO: Thank you.

DENNY: Pumpkin?

[GIGGLING]

Denny. Shh.

My boss, Mr. Gruen, is watching us. Where is he?

[GIGGLING]

Hey.

NADIA: Mm. Boy, that was... You shouldn't have any more.

Are you ready? Yes, we are.

Walter, will you order for me, please? Thanks.

Um... We'll start with the etuvier...

[SPEAKING IN FRENCH]

Which soup?

We'll have the cream du concumbre.

[SPEAKING IN FRENCH]

Uh...

This one right here.

The grat�n dauphinois?

A bit of a clash with the veau au vin rouge, don't you think?

Excuse me. Come here. Can I ask you something?

Do you really speak French or just bullshit menu French?

I trained in Paris. Oh, good.

[SPEAKING IN FRENCH]

[GIGGLING]

What did you say?

I told him to stick a skewer up his ass and flamb� himself.

[SPEAKING IN FRENCH]

What did he say? He called me a slut.

Now, just a goddamn minute here.

[SPEAKING IN FRENCH]

WALTER: What's he saying?

"Your taste in women was as bad as your French. "

Oh, yeah? How do you say, "Step outside"?

[SPEAKING IN FRENCH]

This is a... Nadia.

Excuse me.

I told him, "The champagne tastes like horse piss. "

He said, "I should know," which is quite a good comeback.

Walter, what the hell...? Oh, my God.

I'm sorry. What did he say?

WALTER: I don't know. I don't speak French.

Mr. Gruen, he insulted my date. It's all Henri's fault. He's French.

Hey, Mr. Y.

If you don't mind, that is the loveliest necklace.

I want you to know. It's so pretty. Where did you get it?

I don't speak English.

He insulted my date Nadia. Nadia. Nadia?

Oh, my God. YAKAMOTO: Go back to your seat.

You won't let her talk? They're our guests.

I wanted to know about the necklace. You are foolish and silly.

Leaving so soon? Sit. NADIA: Go jump on your concubine.

Did you hear her? I have no concubine.

Walter, get this woman out of here.

[SCREAMS]

No, no. Don't do that.

Why don't you walk over there, Nadia? Here.

Excuse me. Oh, take it to her.

I certainly hope this doesn't undermine your confidence in us.

[SOBBING]

Nadia. Nadia. Nadia.

Nadia, I worked very hard for this job. We can sort...

What the hell's going on out here? Oh, my God.

MANAGER: Come back to the restaurant. Mrs. Gruen, hi.

Mrs. Yakamoto.

She doesn't speak English. Please just get out of here.

Mrs. Yakamoto, I have your hair.

I'm going to just slip it under the door.

Got it?

I'm gonna tell your husband you'll be out in a minute.

Ms. Y. This concubine stuff had to go. I wouldn't take that off anybody.

I no speak English. Are you a resident of California?

I no speak English. Know what you're entitled to?

I no speak English.

According to California law, you're entitled to 50%* of your husband's assets.

Fifty percent?

Mr. Gruen, please. I'm very sorry. I had... Everything okay here?

Walter, go away. Just go away.

Bottle of Meyer-Fonn� Barsac. Hors d'oeuvres, on the house?

Sir, I can't begin to tell you how dreadfully sorry I...

Attention. Attention, everybody.

Mrs. Yakamoto needs a good divorce lawyer now

because Mr. Yakamoto is worth over $100 million.

MAN: Miss. I'll kill her. Oh!

[OBJECT CLATTERING]

MRS. GRUEN: Harry...

Don't touch me. Please.

Mr. Gruen, did you hurt yourself?

Do I have to say the words?

I'm fired? Fired?

I only wish we were in the Army

so I could have you shot. Yes, sir.

Twice.

[NADIA GIGGLING]

That was so much fun.

My face is numb. What do you wanna do now?

Oh! There's a party down the street. Oh. Let's go.

Are you out of your mind? You destroyed my life and now you wanna go to a party?

You don't like me, do you? I've never hit a woman before, but...

Let's make up. That won't work.

Of course, it will. It won't. Now stop it.

Nadia, I'm driving the car. Let's do it. Let's do it right now.

We're on the freeway. Who cares?

[HORNS HONKING]

WALTER: Nadia. I'm driving 55 miles an hour, here. Will you, for chri...

Stop it. NADIA: Walter.

Nadia, will you stop, please? You're frowning again, Walter.

Stop it. For chrissakes, there's a car behind us.

Gotta do better. I mean it.

Somebody's getting out of the car. Just sit over there, please.

David. What? This is...

Having car trouble? You following us?

I'm worried about Nadia's welfare. I'm trying to get her home.

You let her drink? Son of a bitch, don't you know she doesn't drink?

Nadia, get out of the car. Stay in the car, Nadia.

Hey, that's a... That's a $500... I'm gonna kill you.

You son of a bitch. You're gonna drill her, aren't you? I'll kill you.

Can't we just talk about this? No.

Stop, hold still. Honey, stay in the car.

I'll stay in the car. You don't love her like I love her.

No doubt in my mind. He doesn't love you like I love you.

What are you doing? Get out of my car. Hey. Hey.

Hey. Walter.

Come back, you son of a bitch.

I'm gonna kill you too.

Walter, what?

[YELLING]

You son of a bitch, I'll kill you.

Damn bastard.

[SCREAMS]

Jesus, that guy's a maniac. He was really trying to kill me.

Why'd you two break up?

You must have been the best match since Bonnie and Clyde.

[***]

Aw, come on.

I'm sorry.

I really am. I...

It was a cheap shot.

I wasn't crying about that. What are you crying about?

I just saw David chasing you around the car, and I got sad.

Me too.

Do you have a Kleenex?

No.

A handkerchief?

Here.

I hate it when my eyes get all puffy.

I get all stuffed up. I look terrible.

Are my eyes puffy? No.

Can we stop somewhere so I can blow my nose and wash my face?

I gotta go to the bathroom.

Yeah, sure. Okay.

Thank you.

[SCREAMS THEN MONKEY CHITTERING]

[SCREAMS]

[MONKEY CHITTERING]

[BELL RINGS]

[ATTENDANT HOWLS]

Hello. Can I help you? Fill it with unleaded.

Super? Regular.

I just wanna say two words to you:

Engine knocks. Rings and valves, $900. Check, please.

You can pay me now or pay my service manager Abdul later.

Fill it with unleaded. Super?

WALTER: Yes. The guy wants super.

Nadia.

[BELL RINGS]

ATTENDANT: She's not in there. What?

The girl that stepped out of your car? She's at Freda & Freddie's.

The disco.

[BILLY VERA AND THE BEATERS "ANYBODY SEEN HER?" PLAYING]

BILLY VERA AND THE BEATERS: * He's lookin' Here and there *

* He's lookin' Everywhere *

* He's lookin' *

* She's the answer To a young man's prayer *

* He's lookin' High and low *

* He's lookin' *

* I don't know He's lookin' *

* Somebody tell me where'd that Red dress go *

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

Excuse me, where's the ladies' room?

Thank you very much.

* He's lookin' Here and there *

* He's lookin' Everywhere *

* He's lookin' *

* She's the answer To a young man's prayer *

* He's lookin' High and low *

* He's lookin' I don't know *

* He's lookin'

* Somebody tell me where'd that Red dress go *

* Anybody seen her Anybody seen her **

I'm looking for my date.

She's a brunette with a red dress on, really pretty.

And she... She came in the bathroom here and, see...

She was in the bathroom at the gas station.

She took a long time. I went to get her and she was gone.

And the gas station guy said...

that she came in here. I figured she went into this...

I'm gonna wait right here at the bar for her, okay?

Bartender, can I get a Perrier and a soda? I mean...

A Scotch and soda. Something like that.

Can I buy you a drink? No.

She had a thing with her ex, and she got a little emotional.

And she started crying and she wanted to stop at a gas station.

So we did. We stopped next door.

She took a long time. When I went to get her, she'd left.

The guy said she came here. She went into this bathroom. That's why I was looking.

It wasn't like I was trying to look in. I was trying to find her.

Come dance with me, Walter.

This is the girl. Right here. Five dollars, please.

* I wanna be the one *

I know you're a good dancer. No, I really don't wanna dance.

Stop, it's not funny. Come on.

I'm sorry.

* Of being all alone *

Let's just go.

Please. I'm sorry.

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

* And I tried not to wonder Who's holding you now *

* Oh, what a night *

* Oh, what a night *

* Oh, what a night *

* What a sweet, sweet night *

* Oh, what a night *

* I'll be missing you I don't wanna be missing you *

* I wish I didn't have to miss you, baby **

BILLY VERA: All right, you ready for this?

["LET YOU GET AWAY" PLAYING]

Come on, let's go now. Please, Walter.

BILLY VERA: * I feel just like a madman *

* 'Cause I don't know where To start *

* And I'm scared as hell to tell What's deep down in my heart *

* And I feel like I could cry right now *

* Baby, baby, baby Don't think I'm not aware *

* Of who you are Or where you been *

* Or what you done *

* 'Cause I seen your picture On all those magazines *

* And I never even been To Paris *

Hi, Nadia. Listen, I just wanted to come by and...

WALTER: David, don't...

I wanted to come by and apologize for my behavior. I still love her very much.

What? So you can drill her? You son of a bitch.

[PEOPLE YELLING]

* And then I look into Your angel face *

* And try to see What a girl like you *

* Would ever want With a man like me *

You bitch.

We're leaving. Now.

* Let you get away *

You son of a bitch.

* Many, many, many years before **

MAN: Let's get out of here before the cops show up.

WALTER: Come on, come on.

Move it, move it, move it.

Get in. Get in.

How much?

Cash or plastic? Cash.

It's $17.50. What's going on over there?

Son of a bitch, I wanna talk to you. Get out of the car.

Walter, just get out of the...

NADIA: Get back inside, you stupid idiot.

I know your ex-boyfriend's hobby is killing. What does he professionally?

He's a defense lawyer. For who? Jack the Ripper?

Ha-ha-ha. It's not funny.

I'm taking you home. Where do your friends live?

They live on Elm and East Hill.

Your friends live on Elm and East Hill?

No, the party.

I'm not taking you to any party.

Party.

I'm gonna take you home.

To Baton Rouge?

I'm taking you to your friends' house. Where do they live?

We have to get on the freeway. No. No more freeways.

It's the only way I know how to get there.

What's the exact address? I know the house.

I'm going to get back on the freeway. Can't find the hole?

But if you make one move, Nadia... You listening?

If you make one move that makes me nervous,

I'll put you out at the first intersection and put you out. Understand?

Don't frown, Walter.

NADIA: Here's the house. Right...

Okay, here, stop. Right here.

WALTER: Nadia, when was the last time you saw these people?

NADIA: About six years.

WALTER: Listen to me.

Listen. Listen to me.

Listen, are you absolutely certain this is the right house?

Absolutely.

[HORN HONKS THEN NADIA SQUEALS]

WALTER: Jesus.

[LAUGHING]

Hey. Stop. Get out of there. Come here a minute. Hey!

Oh, Walter!

Your beautiful car.

Ugh. Look at the bright side. What the hell else could happen?

Hi. Hi.

Hi. Hey!

Nadia, just stay out of this. Shut up, bitch.

Your wallet. Aah!

[SIREN WAILS]

Oh, shit. The cops. ROBBER: Drop the gun.

There was three girls.

One of the girls put a gun to my head. She had a knife in my crotch.

Get out of the freaking car.

Three girls. One had red hair standing straight up.

Both had leather jackets, and one had a big tattoo on her arm.

How much have you been drink tonight, sir?

[INDISTINCT POLICE RADIO CHATTER]

Good.

Head back.

Eyes closed.

Arms out.

Palms up.

With your left hand, touch the tip of your nose.

Good.

Now the other hand.

Hmm. Now, keep your eyes closed.

Raise your right foot eight inches for 10 seconds.

God, I feel horrible.

Oh? Dare I to hope that you sobered up?

Oh, I drank. I drank so much.

Yes. Yes, you did.

And the dinner party... Oh, God.

Walter, I'm so sorry. Well...

I know I feel a lot better now.

[MOANS]

I just have this chemical imbalance.

It's like an allergy to alcohol. It just makes me crazy, that's all.

Is that so?

Look, Walter, I know you hate me. So just listen.

Take me to my friend Cathy's house.

I know the address. And I won't ever bother you again.

[SCREAMS]

I'll kill you.

Great.

God, I thought we'd lost him. What fun would that be?

David. Hold the tray.

[YELLING]

You son of a bitch. You wanna play? Fine, I'll kill you.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

[SCREAMS]

Actually, if you'll just drop me off at the nearest hotel...

And bring an end this glorious evening? I told you I was sorry.

It's barely midnight. Don't you wanna boogie down?

Dance all night? Tear up the town? No.

I just wanna lie down in a nice, cool place.

Oh, wait. I just remembered. There's a party.

I know somebody mentioned a party at Elm and East Hill.

I don't wanna go to a party anymore, okay?

My friends are nice, quiet people. They'll bore you.

We'll just have to liven them up, won't we?

[WALTER CHUCKLES]

Seen some traffic, pal? WALTER: Yeah.

NADIA: Walter.

Walter, listen to me. What?

Party pooper. Huh.

No.

[PEOPLE CHATTERING]

Please, Walter. This is great.

Nadia. How are you? Walter Davis, rocket scientist.

I'm thirsty.

Thank you.

Walter Davis, gynecologist.

Walter. I know these people. Great. Let's mingle.

Ha-ha-ha. Oh. Oh! Oh!

No, Walter. Oh! No. Walter.

Hah. You can't juggle p�t�.

Oh, my God.

Nadia, I didn't think you were coming. Walter Davis, interior decorator.

Did you do the Leland house? You should see the upstairs: '60s kitsch.

Beanbag chairs, lava lamps. Remarkable.

We have to go there now.

That's a great suit, Greg. Walter. Walter. No.

Walter, no. 106 at the Forum,

24 seconds left in the game.

Lakers down by one. Magic pumps, shoots.

Lakers win in overtime, folks. Boston fans?

[LATIN MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

Do I hear a mambo? Mambo.

Come on, Nadia.

[NADIA AND WALTER YELLING]

It's mambo time. Oh, yeah. Mambo. No.

Walter, listen to me.

Walter. No.

Come and dance with me, darling.

Walter Davis, brain surgeon.

Walter Davis, mambo king.

Mambo with me, darling. Would you care for another...

[SCREAMS]

I hope Walter and Nadia are having a good time.

Ah.

Upstairs, I'm gonna lie you down in a nice quiet room, and I'll call a cab.

What is all this? I thought you were little Ms. Party-All-Night.

This is a great fucking party. Oh!

NADIA: You'll thank me in the morning. Just...

[YELLS THEN LAUGHS]

Nadia. Let's do it.

Let's do it in the coats. Let's do it right here in the fur coats, honey. Oh.

Why don't you just go ahead and do now what you're going to do later anyway?

Just pass out.

Come to me, baby. Ah!

[CHUCKLES]

[DOOR OPENS]

Nadia, my little minx. You've come back to me.

Don't think you're gonna get rid of me that easily, do you?

[BOTH YELLING AND GRUNTING]

I'm gonna rip your head off.

[PEOPLE GASP AND SCREAM]

So I take her to my house, we watch a movie, we're kicking back.

She's about this tall.

Sort of like that one.

[PEOPLE YELLING INSIDE]

Can I help you?

I've gotta get my suitcase out of here. I called a cab.

[DOGS BARKING]

[DAVID & WALTER GRUNTING]

[NADIA SCREAMS]

Nadia, I wanna talk to you. Hey, go call somebody.

I'm gonna freaking kill you. You lunatic.

Get up, you big...

Call them. MAN: Right away.

[YELLING]

NADIA: Walter, no. WALTER: Shut up.

Walter I'm not worth it. WALTER: Shut up.

Dance. DAVID: What?

I said dance, scumbag!

[WHISTLING]

Moonwalk.

[MUMBLING]

[SIREN APPROACHING]

I hate that shit.

He's got a gun.

[PEOPLE CHATTERING]

Step up to the line, please, sir.

Put your hands over your head.

Straighten up. Look straight ahead.

Here. You're allowed two phone calls.

Hey, hey, hey. Listen, my brother was just in a serious accident. I...

What are you driving? I have a car... Have a nice day.

Buckle up, Walter. You're in enough trouble.

It's the law.

Home?

I warned you not to let her drink.

If you don't get yourself a good lawyer, you could go to jail for a long time.

You're lucky you didn't kill anybody.

Bad hangover, huh?

[LAUGHS]

Serves you right.

New car? Yeah.

[VOMITS]

Oh! God. Ugh.

Sorry about your car. Just get out, Walter.

Thanks for bailing me out. I didn't bail you out.

Teddy, what did you say? I said I didn't bail you out.

Well, who did? Nadia.

What? Wait a second.

[GLASS SHATTERS]

You smashed my rear window. Where is she, Ted?

For chrissakes, she's staying with us. I want you to take me to where she is.

TED: She didn't wanna go to her friend's.

WALTER: Where is she?

TED: It's only 7:30.

WALTER: I'm feeling sick again. TED: She's in the guest room.

SUSIE: What is it? TED: He wants to talk to Nadia.

SUSIE: But it's only 7:30. TED: Look, Walter's out of control.

[PANTING]

Hey!

Oh.

Can you hear me?

Yes. Who are you? It's Walter.

Walter, are you dead? God, you look dead.

How much do I owe you bail, Nadia?

I don't wanna be obligated to you for anything.

Tell me how much I owe you. I'll go home and write you a check.

Can we talk about this some other time? I don't have much time.

Don't shout. I wasn't shouting.

I know. I thought you were going to, and I couldn't stand it.

I go to court a week from this Friday.

After that, I'm told I'll probably go to jail

for at least two years.

I'd rather kill myself than have you visit me in jail.

So tell me how much I owe you,

and then I never wanna see you again.

[***]

[SCREAMS] Ten thousand dollars!

Now get out of here, you ungrateful monster.

Ungrateful?

I'm ungrateful?

I'm supposed be grateful after what you did to me last night?

After what I did? What did I do to you?

Well, you did a lot of things, to a lot of people.

I just happened to be a part of it. A big part, as I remember.

You got me drunk.

I didn't get you drunk. You knew I wasn't supposed to drink.

You bought champagne. You didn't have to drink it.

That's a cheap shot, Walter. A real cheap shot.

I drank it because you seemed sweet and generous.

Somebody I could fall in love with.

I thought you were special. I really did.

I'm sorry you got fired.

I'm sorry you got arrested. But you know why I'm most sorry?

I'm sorry that you're not so special.

That you're mean and self-pitying,

and that you don't give a damn about the way I feel.

And I feel shitty, Walter.

[SCREAMS]

Oh, God.

[***]

Walter!

Where you going?

You want me to drive...? You want a cab?

DAVID: You're right. Unless he gets himself a great lawyer,

he'll probably go to prison.

He's planning on defending himself.

Oh, he'll definitely go to prison.

Will you defend him, David?

Why would I do that?

Because you're greatly responsible, that's why.

You do have a point. I am greatly responsible.

Not good enough.

If you do, I'll live with you.

Still not good enough.

Okay. Goodbye. I'll defend him on one condition.

What's that?

Marry me.

[SCOFFS]

I feel guilty about what I did to Walter, but not that guilty.

Possession of an illegal firearm.

Assault with intent to commit murder. Ten years, minimum.

[INTERCOM BUZZES]

Yes, Lupa. Miss Gates wishes to see you again.

Have her wait. Yes, sir.

You might as well know this up front, David.

I don't like you anymore. And I certainly don't love you.

I don't blame you.

Do we have to have sex?

Oh, yes.

But no kissing.

All rise. Superior court is now in session. Judge Harold Bedford presiding.

Mr. Walter Davis. Yes. Ahem.

Thank you. Yes, Your Honor.

I understand you refuse to be represented by counsel.

That's correct.

Are you suicidal, Mr. Davis, or just plain stupid?

Probably a bit of both, sir. Your Honor.

I see.

Mr. Davis, it would be a humongous understatement to tell you

how passionately I disapprove of what you're doing.

In fact, I'd be equally critical of a physician

planning to perform brain surgery on himself.

[PEOPLE LAUGHING]

Yes, Your Honor. "Yes, Your Honor" doesn't do it.

I want you to reconsider letting the public defender handle your case.

That won't be necessary, Your Honor. Oh, shit.

I am sorry I'm late. I got it from here. Mr. Davis, would you explain this?

I will be represent Mr. Davis, Your Honor.

I was speaking to Mr. Davis. I was under the impression...

What the hell are you doing? I'm doing this as a favor to Nadia.

Making sure I go to the gas chamber? Shh. If you're not calm, I can't help.

Please don't let this man help me. Order in the court.

[YELLS THEN SIGHS]

JUDGE: One more outburst, and I'll hold you in contempt.

You all right, Agnes? Yes, Your Honor, I'm all right.

Will counsel please approach the bench?

Hey. Your... Shh, shh, shh.

This is...

What the hell's going on?

Not complicated. It would not be prudent for Mr. Davis to defend himself.

Bullshit. What's on your face? I was in a fight.

With whom? Mr. Davis.

I'm not trying to make things complicated.

Since when? I'll offer you a proposition.

If you can see a way of finding my client innocent on all counts...

Stop.

You really are out of your mind trying to bribe a superior court judge.

I'll stop practicing law in your jurisdiction.

I don't believe you. I swear on my mother's grave.

Your mom is playing the back nine at Bel Air.

Speaking in the future tense.

Go out of state. Say, Alaska? My heart's set on somewhere tropical.

Will you change your name? Not practical. I'm getting married.

You could take an extended honeymoon.

Say, 5 or 6 years. All expenses paid.

I don't think that would... I won't press my luck.

One more thing. I knew it.

I want the wedding at your house. There goes the neighborhood.

Invite all your influential friends.

If I'm gonna practice law in another state, I wanna drop some big names.

Anything else? That's it.

I'll be breaking the law for the first time in my career, but it's worth it.

Thanks, Dad.

[SNORTS]

Jesus. Sorry, Your Honor.

What did you say to him? What?

You think I'm gonna let you railroad me into jail so you can...

Mr. Davis. Quiet. WALTER: Don't believe him.

He's crazy. He's trying to steal my girl. Order.

Order in the goddamn court. Sorry, Agnes.

The court finds the defendant not guilty. Case dismissed.

Take a 20-minute recess. BAILIFF: All rise. Twenty-minute recess.

Congratulations.

What happened? You're a free man.

Now you can congratulate me. What for?

Nadia and I are getting married.

And you're the one who made it possible.

Where's Nadia? Gone to Baton Rouge, to tell her mother.

Susie, In the last few days my reality had been tested to the limits, but...

Telling her mom what? She said to give you this.

You are so lucky. What are you so unhappy for?

You guys go ahead. I'm gonna walk for a while.

[***]

NADIA: "Dearest Walter:

I know you may not believe it

but I am truly sorry for the trouble I caused you.

I hope someday you'll find it in your heart to forgive me.

You're a special person, Walter, and I'll miss you a lot.

Love, Nadia. "

Oh, P.S. I hope you start playing the guitar again.

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

[PHONE RINGS]

SUSIE: Hello. NADIA: Susie, it's Nadia.

Hi, where are you? Still in Baton Rouge. How's Walter?

Oh. Haven't seen him. He seemed pretty good. I talked to him on the phone.

He asked about you. I told him that you were, uh,

deliriously happy. I didn't lie, did I? No.

Oh, honey. Just get out of this thing. You're just gonna ruin your life.

No, I can't. I know it sounds crazy, but I made a deal.

Look, I'll call you when I get in. Bye.

Who's that? It's Nadia.

How is she?

Oh. She's deliriously happy.

[SIGHS]

What is it, darling? Air.

It's so wonderful, the air here. I just love it.

I'm surprised you didn't put up a merry-go-round?

You promised David a first-class wedding.

A wedding, not Disney World. Don't be a shit-heel, Harold.

It isn't every day that your only son gets married.

He's your son too, Muriel. It's about time you started taking half the blame.

Mom. Dad. See? He even gives you top billing.

Hi, hi, hi. Hi.

Meet Nadia soon-to-be-your-daughter-in-law Gates.

Hi, Nadia. Hello.

How do you do? Fine.

Well, let me show you to your room. Okay, fine.

Huh? What do you think?

I must admit, she isn't at all what I thought she'd be.

What did you think she'd be?

Blind.

[GRUNTS]

Plan on having children? Naturally.

I know what to get you for a present. What's that?

A vasectomy.

[COUGHS]

[GROANS]

MURIEL: The house is far too large for us without David here

but we're so emotionally attached.

We bought it in 1953,

the year after Harold became a judge.

It's lovely. MURIEL: Thank you, my dear.

Where are you and David planning on living?

NADIA: We haven't really decided yet. I think David's partial to San Francisco.

I thought you had in mind something more tropical.

Well, we really haven't decided on a place yet. Miami, maybe. Honolulu.

I understand you're from the South? Yes, Louisiana.

Oh. I love the South. I played the front nine at Augusta once.

Did you let Rambo out? Yes, sir.

[DOG BARKING]

Oh, Jesus Christ. Good doggie. Nice doggie.

Oh, shit. Oh.

MURIEL: She's lovely.

And bright.

She's gonna marry him, she's gotta have a screw loose.

[BARKING]

What is that dog barking about?

Jordan.

[BARKING AND SNARLING]

Rambo. Shut up.

You wanna wake up the whole neighborhood?

[RAMBO BARKING]

[MUFFLED BARKING]

Jordan!

Rambo. Jordan.

Yes, sir? What the hell is with that dog?

I'm afraid I don't know, sir. Do something.

Yes, sir. Damn it, Rambo. What the hell's got into you? Rambo.

Now, you stop that. You keep quiet or I'll call the vet,

and he'll cut them off and you'll bark like Cyndi Lauper.

[RAMBO CONTINUES BARKING]

Help.

Somebody open the door!

[GROWLING THEN BARKING]

JORDAN: Rambo, shut up.

Rambo, shut up. Jordan, shut up.

Come on, Rambo.

I want you to be quiet, you hear me? Be quiet.

What the hell are you doing?

JUDGE: I'm planting corn. What the hell does it look like?

I can't stand him. He's an idiot. He's an idiot.

Let's just get back into bed and forget him, okay?

Maybe if we think hard, he'll go away.

If he leaves me this house, I'm gonna sell it.

Tomorrow, yes. Oh.

[GRUNTS]

Good night.

JUDGE: Miserable mutt.

Would you like some hot cocoa? Good thing he was trained to protect us,

he can fight the neighbors when they lynch us.

[SIGHS THEN SNIFFLES]

[SOBBING]

[DOOR OPENS]

[NADIA SOBBING]

JUDGE: I'm gonna kill that damn dog.

Whoa! Oh.

What the hell was that?

Oh, it must have been the wind.

There's no wind.

WALTER [MUFFLED]: Oh.

What? What?

Great. Great.

Nadia. Darling, my door's locked. I guess the wind. Pfft.

David, it won't work.

Now good night.

[MUMBLES]

Great.

[TALKING IN DISTINCTLY]

Ah! Oh! Oh! TV ANNOUNCER: Here's Johnny.

[BUMPS HEAD THEN GRUNTS]

You all right, Agnes?

[WHISPERS] Nadia.

DAVID: I can't believe this. Look at me. I'm gonna have to take another shower.

I hate this. Jesus.

Walter?

[KNOCKS THEN CALLS NADIA]

[SCOFFS]

It's not funny, David.

Jesus.

Plant seeds in my pocket.

Great. I'm filthy.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Oh! MAN [OVER TV]: Voice says,

"Get the hell out of here. "

Why, what did you do that for?

[JORDAN WHISTLES THEN CALLS RAMBO]

There you are, you filthy beast. How the bleeding hell did you get out?

Right. Come on. Back in the pen you go.

[RAMBO WHIMPERING]

You gonna move or aren't you?

[***]

[RAMBO BARKING]

[HUMMING]

What's that? Special delivery for Miss Gates.

I'll take it.

[RESUMES HUMMING]

What's he so happy about?

Hard to say. Last time he acted like that, he'd just run over the cat.

[WHISTLING]

Hello. Good morning.

You look very happy, David. Oh. So do you, darling.

Oh. This is for you.

Love you.

[***]

[***]

[PEOPLE CHATTERING]

Nadia, do you mind if I eat this last chocolate?

NADIA: Sure, Mama.

Mm. Ugh. These are filled with brandy.

You didn't eat this whole box?

I didn't?

[ORCHESTRA PLAYING WAGNER'S "BRIDAL CHORUS"]

[HOWLING]

[HOWLING CONTINUES]

Shut up. Shut up.

[RAMBO BARKING]

[BARKING CONTINUES]

Dearly beloved,

we are gathered here in this beautiful home

on this beautiful day

to witness the uniting of two beautiful souls

in holy wedlock.

Marriage is a sacred commitment,

designed on Earth and sanctified in heaven.

Without the institution of marriage,

mankind would still be in the Dark Ages.

Let us consider the symbol of marriage, the wedding ring.

A perfect circle, without beginning, without end,

signifying God's eternal love and devotion.

For where would we be without God's love?

[NADIA GIGGLING]

[CONTINUES GIGGLING AND CROWD MURMURING]

Cheap shoes.

[GASPS]

You all right, Agnes?

And let us be ever mindful of the consequences of our acts.

God is watching.

[HICCUPS]

Oh, Lord, she did eat them all.

Have you been drinking? No.

[GIGGLING]

The time has come when David and Nadia must make this commitment to one another.

Do you, David, take Nadia to be your lawful, wedded wife?

I haven't finished. To have and to hold... I do.

...in sickness and health, till death do you part?

Yes. Do you, Nadia, take David...

No. Wait.

Is it indelicate to ask what's going on?

I don't love your son. Neither do I. What's your point?

Take deep breaths. JUDGE: Screw the guests.

Hold it. I have a feeling this is gonna take time.

Go have champagne. I know we had a bargain.

Play some music. And kill the dog. Honey.

Now what's this about bargain?

People shouldn't get married because they made a bargain.

Would you just... Come back down here and finish this.

[UPBEAT TUNE PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

Stop the music.

[MUSIC STOPS]

Ladies and gentlemen, maybe you can help me with this one.

Say two people are gonna be married,

and one doesn't love the other one.

The other only thinks he loves the other one,

because the other one really loves somebody else.

Are you with me so far? No.

If two people don't love each other, should they get married?

ALL: No. There you go.

Wait. If one really adored her, NADIA: But she doesn't love him.

worshiped the ground she walked on, she'd learn to love him.

But she's in love with another man and would always thinking about him.

Not if he's dead. Excuse me.

Not now. Would any of you...

[SCREAMING]

Hold it. Hold it.

Seems to me the only way to get this show on the road is to take a vote.

All those in favor of Nadia and David

not getting married, say "aye. " Yo.

[PEOPLE CHATTERING]

[***]

[SQUEALING]

[PEOPLE GASPING & CHATTERING]

[CROWD CHEERING & APPLAUDING]

Nadia. Come, get your mouth away from him.

Listen to me. Nadia. Get your hands off of him.

[GARY MORRIS AND JENNIFER WARNES' "SIMPLY MEANT TO BE" PLAYING]

* Well, I never knew so much trouble Till I met you *

* Never sang in so much rain *

* But whenever I drown In your sweet dreams *

* It always brings me pain *

* Though I come back *

* Knowing that I'll find love again *

* Mmm I must be blind to love you, girl *

* But I don't wanna see *

* If seeing means believing love Is lost to you and me *

* Don't ever let them tell you That there's no mystery *

* Lo?e can't be explained It's simply meant to be *

* Well, I never knew so many people *

* Who look and don't find love *

* So they beg So they beg *

* And they borrow and steal *

* I'll take half of the joy Twice the sorrow *

* If I know love is real *

* Lo?e is real *

* Just don't say that You won't be back *

* 'Cause I know you will *

* I know you will *

* I must be blind to love you *

* But I don't wanna see *

* If seeing means believing love Is lost to you and me *

* Don't ever let them tell you That there's no mystery *

* Love can't be explained *

* It's simply meant to be *

* Oh, this love is a mystery *

* Love is a mystery *

* Can't explain, can't change *

* I guess it was meant to be *

* Oh, this love is a mystery *

* Love is a mystery *

* Can't explain, can't change *

* I guess it was meant to be *

* I must be blind to love you But I don't wanna see *

* If seeing means believing love Is lost to you and me *

* Don't ever let them tell you That there's no mystery *

* Love can't be explained *

* It's simply meant to be *

* Oh, I must be blind to love you *

* But I don't wanna see *

* If seeing means believing love Is lost to you and me *

* Don't ever let them tell you That there's no mystery *

* Love can't be explained *

* It's simply meant to be **