Original subtitles

[JAZZY VERSION OF "RULE BRITANNIA" PLAYS]

I can't tell you how it feels to be loaning an original page

of Shakespeare's notebook to the Metropolitan Museum.

Yes, sir. It's a piece of history,

and very noble of you to share it.

Makes me look damned important, doesn't it?

Mm-hm.

Shall I have the inseam let out of your trousers, sir?

Hm, lending this for the fundraiser

will make us thehit of the social season.

Thank God your uncle croaked and left it to you.

I mean, sorry for your loss.

BRIGHTON: I don't wanna get glasses--

Brighton, so help me, if you keep this up,

I am going to drag you to Loehmann's

and make you sit outside of the ladies' dressing room

in the husband's chair with my purse in your lap, hm?

Is there a problem, Miss Fine?

Brighton doesn't wanna go pick up his glasses.

I can see fine.

Oh, Brighton, don't be so vain.

Meanwhile, these invitations are gorgeous.

"Black guy, optional."

That's "black tie," Miss Fine.

Oh, well, I was gonna say...

I don't wanna wear some stupid, wire-rim

"Here-comes-Urkel" glasses.

Which happen to look excellent on you, Dad.

Oh, don't make him wear glasses.

He's so short and underdeveloped.

[LAUGHS] I mean, aren't the braces enough?

I'll hold her down. You tie her tubes. [LAUGHS]

Brighton, you are going, and that's that.

There, your father has spoken.

But you said he doesn't know what he's talking about half the--

No! This is the other half.

Go get dressed.

So shall I get you the Town Car?

Oh, no. It's such a glorious day,

I figure we'll just walk.

Walk? In this city?

Oh, I'm wearing four-inch heels.

I can step over anything.

To me, a wino is just a speed bump. [SNAPS]

Maxwell, we have that meeting at the museum.

Oh, yes.

Oh, Miss Fine, while you're out,

there's a list of errands on my desk.

Would you mind? Oh. No.

Not at all. Although, I don't know what we've got a butler for.

"Hamlet of Denmark".

Why can't he just write "a small Danish ham"?

"Montagues, Capulets".

Well, is that regular or extra-strength?

Oh, I guess it's whatever I want.

It says right here, "As You Like It".

[THEME MUSIC PLAYS]

♪ She was workin' In a bridal shop ♪

♪ In Flushing, Queens ♪

♪ Till her boyfriend Kicked her out ♪

♪ In one of those Crushing scenes ♪

♪ What was she to do? Where was she to go? ♪

♪ She was out on her fanny ♪

♪ So over the bridge From Flushing ♪

♪ To the Sheffields' door ♪

♪ She was there to sell makeup But father saw more ♪

♪ She had style, she had flair She was there ♪

♪ That's how she became The nanny ♪

♪ Who would've guessed That the girl we described ♪

♪ Was just exactly what The doctor prescribed? ♪

♪ Now the father Finds her beguiling ♪

♪ Watch out, C.C. ♪

♪ And the kids Are actually smiling ♪

♪ Such joie de vivre ♪

♪ She's the lady in red ♪

♪ When everybody else Is wearing tan ♪

♪ The flashy girl From Flushing ♪

♪ The nanny named Fran ♪

Wow, everything's so clear now.

Uh-huh.

You know, I really love the way you look in your glasses.

You've got a whole Bill Hurt thing happening.

I'm noticing fine details I've never seen before.

Mm-hm. Mm-hm. Mm-hm.

How oldare

Take those off. You look like Urkel.

Wow, look at that thing.

Is that real?

You're acting like you've never seen one before.

You've got one. Your father's got one.

Now, put it here. Let me see how heavy it is.

First of all, "Rolex" has two L's in it.

Please. What kind of an idiot is gonna pay--

Oh, 20 bucks? I'll take one.

Here, here. Thanks.

Look at that. Somebody left an entire bucket of KFC

right on the bench.

Ugh. People are such pigs.

Oh, it's just the dark meat.

Give me your purse! - [SHRIEKS]

[SHRIEKS AND YELPS] -Purse!

Help! Help! Oh! Oh! Oh! - Are you okay?

Oh, my God, Brighton. We've been mugged.

What do we do?!

Waah!

BOTH: Oh, oh, oh!

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Well, at least we've got witnesses!

We've got witnesses.

Oy! Oy! Oy--

Okay, Fran! Fran! Fran, let's not worry.

I can handle this.

[THUD]

Brighton, get up!

[GASPING] Oh, Brighton.

I can't believe this happened to us.

I don't know what do. I can't even think straight.

Excuse me. Where's Bloomingdale's?

Oh, well...

You...go over to Lexington and down to 59th.

And the frozen yogurt in the café

is not to be missed.

Mm-mm, I'll tell you, if I wasn't just mugged,

I'd join you.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Thank goodness you're all right.

All they got was your purse.

Oh, you know, it's just like they say,

even after it's gone, you can still feel it.

Now I have to replace all my credit cards

and that driver's license with that fabulous picture,

where I look just like Jaclyn Smith.

Oh, man. If I ever see that creep again...

Oh, sweetie. Don't go calling him a creep.

Deep down inside there's goodness in everyone.

Oh, my God.

He's got my Cadillac-red lipstick.

It's discontinued!

I want that creep to fry!

Calm down, Miss Fine.

There's plenty of other red lipsticks.

No, never the same. They outlawed the dye.

Damn Food and Drug Administration.

What are they doing in cosmetics?

My mother wore it for 50 years,

[SCREECHING] and her kids came out normal!

You see, I knew something like this would happen.

Your wide-eyed naiveté

was bound to get you in trouble sooner or later.

Don't call me naive.

That is so condescending of you.

I only appear wide-eyed thanks to my Maybelline Ultra Lash...

which was in my purse.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, that's the police. Hm.

The police? I--

You called the police?

I asked you not to call the police.

Well, I'm not gonna talk to them.

And you can't make me.

Did someone here get mugged?

Uh-- - Oh, I'm the victim.

Well...

Hi. Hi.

I'm Detective Shoenfeld.

Oh. An N.Y.P.D Jew.

What were you doing walking through the park,

a beautiful woman like you?

That is so naive. I know.

It's my greatest downfall.

I just said the same bloody thing,

and she nearly bit my head off.

It's all in the delivery, sir.

[CLEARS THROAT] Uh, detective,

shouldn't you be filling out some paperwork?

Are you the guy that threw up and fainted?

No.

He did.

How you doing, son? You okay?

[SOBS] Yes, sir.

Did either of you get a good look at the guy?

No, we only saw him for a second.

He had a stocking on his head.

No Nonsense Sheer and Silky,

misty taupe, sandal foot.

That's it?

No. No. He had a run over his left ear.

Thanks. That'll give me something to go on.

Oh, okay. Now, make sure you lock your door.

Oh, yes, sir. I gotta go.

Because crime... is rampant in the streets.

Oh, gee.

Your wife must feel so safe having you around.

I'm not married.

Oy.

Oh, please. Would you look at her?

Swooning all over the place?

What, just because he wears a badge?

Shall I fetch those little wings

the stewardess gave you, sir?

They were for Grace. Really?

Then what are they doing in your jewelry box?

Thank you, Niles!

ANNOUNCER [ON TV]: A simple purse-snatching turns deadly.

Tonight, on a very special

Gracie, this is serious.

Fran hasn't gotten off that couch all day.

I better go talk to her.

[SQUEALS]

On second thought, you go.

Fran-- [SCREAMS]

[SCREAMS]

[BOTH SCREAM] BOTH: What's the matter?

[IN UNISON] I don't know! You scared me!

[PANTS] Okay.

Okay.

Calm down. Calm down.

So the man has my address and telephone number.

Lots of guys do. Do they ever call?

Fran, um, maybe I should take Gracie to ballet today.

Good. Good idea. Yeah, just this once.

Now, kids, don't think just because I was mugged,

I'm gonna be afraid to face the world

outside this door, or anything.

Go! Go! Go! Stay low to the ground!

Serpentine! Serpentine!

Aah! Watch out for that guy, that scary guy!

Oh, it's you, Niles. Get in here.

[SLAMS DOOR]

Did anyone follow you? Did you get the stuff?

Yes, hair spray, breath spray

and pepper spray.

What say we switch the labels

and give them to Miss Babcock.

Niles, I've been victimized.

I don't have time to watch you torture Miss Babcock.

Uh, take pictures. [CHUCKLES]

Fran? Aah! What?

I feel terrible.

I should've defended you yesterday,

but I totally wimped out.

Oh, sweetie. Sweetie, listen.

All you did was pass out, puke and pee in your pants.

You were in Central Park.

You fit right in.

Ask yourself, "Punk, do you feel lucky?"

What was all that about?

Oh, the expert is teaching Brighton

how to repel a man.

Well, if you'll excuse me, sir,

I'll take your Shakespeare down to the framer.

I thought you already did that, Niles.

What-- It was right here, and--

No one's been in here except you, me, C.C. and--

Miss Fine! Oh, now, sir.

You're jumping to conclusions.

Why do you always blame--

Miss Fine!

I heard you the first time.

Miss Fine. Miss Fine. Did you see a very ancient document

on this desk yesterday morning?

You mean Chita Rivera's résumé?

It was my Shakespeare.

It's missing. And you were the last one in here.

All right. Don't panic.

Let's just retrace our steps.

Now, I came in with that whole

Brighton eyeglasses issue.

And then you said, "Miss Fine!"

Oh, no. That was just now.

Anyway, C.C. said something stupid,

and then you nailed her with that, uh,

tube-tying zinger,

which I'm still laughing about.

[GUFFAWS]

Thank you. Mm.

Then yadda, yadda, yadda.

You asked me to run your errands.

I walked over here to pick up the list.

"Brown shoelaces, foot powder, Earl Grey"--

Uh-oh.

"Uh-oh" what?

Oh. Please tell me Macbeth is something

that you eat with McFries.

You took the Shakespeare instead of my list?

Uh. Please tell me it wasn't in your purse.

It wasn't in my purse.

Are you lying?

Uh-huh.

I told you to take the bloody town car.

But, oh, no. You had to walk!

That document lasted 350 years

before it metyou!

Oh, my God. What about the benefit?

Oh, I'm gonna be humiliated.

Oh, now, calm down, calm down.

Maybe no one will show up.

Maxwell, it's a sell-out!

Look at this.

The Princess of Wales is coming.

Diana? I love her.

Oh, can I go?! Oh.

Yes, Miss Fine. You can go.

And explain to everyone why you'retoothless!

Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought it was some fancy-schmancy

piece of stationery.

I spent two hours trying to find a pizza place called

Two Gentlemen of Verona.

The Shakespeare's gone. [PHONE RINGS]

It was in Miss Fine's stolen purse.

[GASPS] I'll kill you!

Sir...

Sir, aren't you going to stop her?

Oh, I will.

Sir, they've found the perpetrator,

and Miss Fine is the only witness.

Stop! Stop! Stop! We need her alive.

[GASPING]

Get dressed. You and I are going down to the police station

to identify the suspect in a lineup,

and hope to God he's still got my Shakespeare.

I don't wanna identify him.

What if he comes back and tries to kill me?

Then he can stand in bloody line.

You care more about that stupid piece of paper

than you do about me.

Oh, no, Miss Fine. That-- That's not what I meant.

No, of course we care about you.

[DOOR SLAMS] Get her, Niles.

Oh! No, I don't wanna go! You can't make me.

Oh, Niles. Please, for my obituary picture,

use the green jumpsuit from Puerto Rico.

I was thin and tan and having a terrific hair day.

Do you recognize any of them?

[SIGHS] Mm.

Can number four push his hair back?

Push your hair back, number four.

Oh, now, you're talking.

Is that him?

No, but doesn't he look better?

Miss Fine, please concentrate.

Oh, all right. It's hard to tell.

He was wearing a stocking at the time.

Put on the stockings.

Oh, my God. It's him.

The Sheer Elegance, all-day beige,

between the control top and the cotton crotch.

Number two!

It's number two.

Excuse me, detective.

Where do we recover our property?

What? Well, the items that were stolen.

Oh. [SCOFFS]

This is your first time, isn't it?

[LAUGHING]

[HOOTS WITH LAUGHTER]

Hey, Jim, wait'll you hear this one!

[LAUGHING]

My Shakespeare.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield, let it go.

It's like my grandmother always used to say,

"Life is like a box of chocolates."

That's fromForrest Gump.

And they paid her nothing.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield.

Cheer up.

Here, we'll watch a little TV.

That'll take your mind right off of Shakespeare.

[JINGLE ON TV] ♪ Brush up your Shakespeare-- ♪

ANNOUNCER:Now, back to Zeffirelli's Romeo and Juliet.

Oh, no.

Oh, wait, wait.

They were just about to show Romeo's tush.

Miss Fine, please, get thee somewhere else.

Mr. Sheffield, look on the bright side.

Instead of your paper, it could be me that's missing.

Don't try to cheer me up.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

You know, I've got half a mind--

Well, you've got no argument here.

Well...

So help me, Miss Fine, if I don't get

that Shakespeare back--

You know, you can't bully me, Maxwell Sheffield.

I am not some weak woman--

[WEAKLY] Hi...

"Hi." Look at her.

The minute he arrives, she gets so...

Docile, sir? Yes.

How does he do that?

Fran, I don't want you to panic.

What? What? - We had to release him.

He's gonna do community service.

Oh! What kind of justice is this?

He mugs me and he walks?

That's the way the system works.

We lock 'em up, they let 'em out.

Meanwhile, I ate a couple of Bing cherries in the A&P,

and I'm wrestled to the ground like Squeaky Fromme.

Look at you, you sweet little thing.

What you need is a man around the house.

All right. That's it.

First of all, there is

I'll lay out your pajamas, sir.

Would you like warm milk or cocoa?

Thank you, Niles. You're fired.

And, secondly, there is absolutely nothing sweet about her.

Weren't you headed upstairs?

She happens to be brave, confident and gutsy.

And you've turned her into a simpering,

whimpering child again.

Anyway, I don't like what you've done to her.

This is not the woman I know, and--

And-- Know.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield.

So, thank you for stopping by, officer.

She'll be just fine.

Now why don't you just run along

and write some tickets, hm?

Great, I'll start with the limo parked out front

in the red zone.

Fine. Go ahead. Do the ticket.

Do 10 bloody tickets! I don't care.

I feel sorry for that poor bloke whose limo it is. Huh.

Now, come on, Miss Fine. When you fall off a horse,

it's very important that you get right back on.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield, that horse analogy never worked with me.

If I fall off a horse, I'm calling Jacoby & Meyers.

Oh, meanwhile, that little talk

Brighton had with Miss Babcock

seems to be working out well.

You talking to me?

[EMPHATICALLY] Areyou

[MOUTHS SILENTLY]

Yeah.

Oh, my God! There's the mugger! There's the mugger!

Miss Fine, Miss Fine, calm down.

That's not him.

Honestly, every corner we turn,

you think you've seen the assailant.

Well, that other one really looked like him.

That was Yoko Ono.

Yoko Ono.

Oh, I love the way she sings.

Aah!

All right, I know. I've got the album.

No. No. Aah! The mugger!

The mugger, the mugger! - Oh, God, it's you.

No. Don't be scared.

I'm not scared.

This man is an expert at Tai Babalonia.

That's--

That's tae kwon do, Miss Fine. Oh.

I'm bad. I'm bad.

[SHRIEKS] Aah!

No, no. I'm sorry!

I'm sorry.

I swear, I've never stolen anything before in my life.

I've been dying to tell you,

but I'm not allowed within 40 feet of your house.

Why? Are you single and Jewish?

You see, I'm just down on my luck.

I can't pay my bills.

Well, get a job.

They repossessed my car. Take a bus.

I had to move in with my mother.

Oh. Give him a 50.

I don't know how to make it up to you, but...

I thought I'd start by returning something

that looked really important.

Oh, my lipstick, my lipstick.

[GASPS] Oh, my God. My Shakespeare!

Say, if you're a Shakespeare fan,

there's a festival in New Jersey.

I'd be honored if you'd let me

treat you to two tickets.

I don't think so.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield, the kids are gonna be away

all weekend at tennis camp.

And besides, we would pass by

the Donna Karan outlet store in Secaucus.

You know what. We'll go on Saturday, but not too close.

Because it's very talky. They spit.

Bless you. Thank you!

Miss Fine, to borrow from your vernacular,

I'm not schlepping out to New Jersey

just to relieve your mugger's conscience.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield, forgive and forget.

It's like my grandmother always says,

"All's well that ends well."

That's from Shakespeare, Miss Fine.

And, again, she got nothing.

Don't look, Miss Fine, but there's a man in a trenchcoat headed this way.

Oh, no. That guy's just selling Rolexes.

You know, I should get one for my father.

Uh! Come here.

Open up. Let me see what you got.

[SCREAMS]

[FRAN LAUGHING] Oh, I'll tell you,

Hamlet favorite play.

People eating prime ribs with their hands...

...everybody stabbing each other in the back.

I'll tell you, put Polonius in a powder-blue tux,

you got my cousin Claudine's wedding.

[THEY CHUCKLE]

Oh, it's good to have you back, Miss Fine.

I missed you.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield...

Is that you talking,

or is it that bottle of Dom Corleone we had in the limo.

That's Dom Pérignon, Miss Fine.

Oh, whatever.

Oh, Miss Fine... [CHUCKLES]

Fran.

Mr...

Max?

[MUFFLED GRUNTING]

[GASPS] Oh, my God!

God, we've been cleaned out!

What are the odds on the one night

that we went to the theater?

I'd say the odds are pretty good

when the robber gives us the bloody tickets, Miss Fine.

Goodness in everyone, eh?

Well, at least he left the one thing

that can't be replaced.

Oh, Niles.

Oh, yeah. Niles.

[GASPS]

The alarm company called me.

I came as fast as I could!

[GASPS] Oh, my God.

I wonder if he took the Monet.

[GASPS] You're right. My earrings!

You go ahead, Maxwell. See what's missing. I'll untie Niles.

[CACKLES MANIACALLY]

Thank you.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYS]