Original subtitles

Oh, Miss Fine, is it that time of the month again?

Oh, I'm afraid so, Niles.

Time to make my credit card payments.

Oh, thank God I've got a system.

No, you don't. I'm tapped.

Not you.

I have to pay my American Express,

because if I buy a piece ofgum,

the SWAT team storms the building.

Meanwhile, I pay my MasterCard

with my Discover card.

My Discover card with my Optima card.

My Optima card with my Cititrust Visa.

But doesn't that leave a very high balance on your Visa?

Exactly.

And that's why they give me an espresso machine,

which I sell to pay off my American Express, thank you.

Miss Fine, you should be president of Mexico.

Daddy, I need some money.

Oh, of course, sweetheart. Here you are.

Oh, boy, you're lucky.

My father was never so generous with me...

unless he was asleep,

and his pants were hanging on the back of a chair.

Fran, it's only $50. - Only $50?

Do you know how many kids

Sally Struthers could feed for $50?

Although, have you seen her lately?

Do we really think she's feeding anyone else?

Well, you know, Margaret, Miss Fine does have a valid point.

I gave you $50 just yesterday.

Now, what did you do with it?

I spent it on clothes for school.

Well, there you are. You see?

She spent it on clothes for school--

Don't you have a uniform?

Dad, don't be mean.

I love you so much.

All right. But this is the last time.

Oy. What?

Well, you know, I don't wanna derail the gravy train,

but don't you think it's time that the kid got a job?

Okay, I'll get a job.

I'll go work at the Gap.

Wait a minute, isn't that where your boyfriend, Peter, works?

Oh. Is it?

Honey, honey, let me handle this.

You're opening up a whole Endora's box over here.

Mr. Sheffield, all I'm saying

is that I think a job

would teach her responsibility.

Yeah, well, I'm all for that.

I just think she may be too young to start working.

Well, you're not doing her any favors

by handing her everything on a silver platter.

Thank you, Niles. - Mm.

I don't know, Miss Fine.

I just don't feel right about Margaret

taking a job away from someone

who could really use the money.

Well, okay. Uh, have her do volunteer work.

Yeah, I can do volun--

What?

You mean work and

Why do I have to work in the first place?

I thought we were rich. No, no, no, no.

I'm rich. You won't be rich until I'm dead.

Uh, don't go there, Mr. Sheffield.

I have the feeling Mr. Menendez

used that logic on Lyle and Erik.

[THEME SONG PLAYS]

♪ She was workin' In a bridal shop ♪

♪ In Flushing, Queens ♪

♪ Till her boyfriend Kicked her out ♪

♪ In one of those Crushing scenes ♪

♪ What was she to do? Where was she to go? ♪

♪ She was out on her fanny ♪

♪ So over the bridge From Flushing ♪

♪ To the Sheffields' door ♪

♪ She was there to sell makeup But the father saw more ♪

♪ She had style, she had flair She was there ♪

♪ That's how she became The nanny ♪

♪ Who would have guessed That the girl we described ♪

♪ Was just exactly what The doctor prescribed? ♪

♪ Now the father Finds her beguiling ♪

♪ Watch out, C.C. ♪

♪ And the kids Are actually smiling ♪

♪ Such joie de vivre ♪

♪ She's the lady in red ♪

♪ When everybody else Is wearing tan ♪

♪ The flashy girl From Flushing ♪

♪ The nanny named Fran ♪

Sorry I'm late, Maxwell.

My cooking class ran over.

Taste this. Taste this!

Mm.

Oh, let me give you a tortilla for dipping.

[SPITS]

Oh.

Well, go on. Dip.

Knock, knock. Oh, Miss Fine. Come in.

Guess who got a new job.

Hallelujah, Nanny Fine!

Don't even give two weeks' notice.

Girl, you just go, go, go.

And as a token of my appreciation...

Oh, Miss Babcock, it's gorgeous.

I don't know what to say.

Oh, yes, I do.

I'm not the one with the new job.

Maggie is.

Hm. Self-winding.

Well, Maggie's going to be

a candy striper at Belmont Hospital.

I got her the gig through this doctor

I once broke up with.

You with a doctor?

Uh-huh.

A very successful anesthesiologist.

But when I went out with him, I didn't feel anything.

Miss Fine, do you really think

Margaret's responsible enough to be working in a hospital?

Oh, what's the worst that will happen?

She'll forget to bring someone their Jell-O Snack?

See that aquarium?

What aquarium? There's no fish in there.

Well, Margaret forgot to bring them their Jell-O Snacks.

Well...this is different.

This job is gonna help build her character.

She's gonna wake up every morning with a purpose,

to help people...

to marry a doctor,

to move to Great Neck,

to drive a Caddy SDS with a Northstar engine

and make her cousin Martha so jealous!

Oh, sorry. I'm back.

Oh, Miss Babcock...

is your dog here?

Chester? He's not here.

Oh, well, then what's with the Cycle 2?

I made that in cooking class,

Nanny Fine, who knows nothing about haute cuisine.

Well...

I know when food's supposed to be served in a bowl

with a name on it. [CHUCKLES]

WOMAN [ON PA]: Dr. Carrow, Surgery please. Dr. Carrow...

Oh, honey, this job is gonna just do wonders for you.

And, besides, it's really good karma to help people in need.

Oh, just look at that woman over there.

Let's go over and cheer her up a little bit.

Hi. You know, things can't be that bad.

And when you look good...

you feel good.

There.

Oh, she's gonna feel much better about herself now.

Oh, excuse me. I need a doctor.

What are your symptoms?

I'm 30 and single.

[BOTH LAUGH]

That's funny.

Thirty.

Anyway, this is Maggie Sheffield,

your new candy striper.

Hi.

Now, Maggie, this is a hospital,

and things can get pretty rough around here.

Are you sure you're up for this?

Uh, excuse me for a moment.

Fran, I don't know. Maybe Dad was right.

Uh, number one, don't ever say that again.

Number two, we prepared for this.

How manyRescue 911's did we watch?

I know, but this is real. That's fake.

Honey,911 is not fake.

It's a reenactment of an actual event.

Only with better-looking people.

So now, don't get nervous.

That's just a needle. - I know.

Don't let it get to you. - I won't.

FRAN: You okay? - Yeah.

Good.

See ya.

[THUD] Fran?

Peter, this job gets more amazing every day.

Make that pouty face.

Peter, I'm serious.

This lady came out of surgery,

and I was there when she opened her eyes.

Oh, you should've seen her face

when I said her thighs already look smaller.

Maggie...

What's the number of that pizza place that delivers?

[MURMURS WORDS] No, no, not that one.

The one on 57th.

Oh, never mind. I'll look it up.

Oh, what do you want on it?

[BOTH MURMUR WORDS]

Oh, can't we split the diff?

Can't we do half pepperoni, half Canadian bacon?

What do you want, Brighton?

Put me down for a calzone.

Brighton...

Oh, hi, Mr. Sheffield.

How was your dinner at Miss Babcock's?

What did she serve?

Well, I'm not quite sure.

But I have a feeling I'll be tasting it again

later this evening.

Well, judging by the hour,

you must have liked it well enough

to have stayed for seconds.

What's wrong with him?

Well, you know,

you come home smelling of another chef's cooking,

you've got sauce on your collar...

I mean, he's not stupid.

Miss Fine, do you happen to have anything

for an upset stomach?

Oh, of course. Let me go see here.

I've got, uh, Gas-X, Rolaids, Mylanta.

Mint and the new cherry flavor.

Are you--?

Are you gassy or just bloated?

I'd like to keep some mystery between us.

Why don't you just surprise me.

Thank you.

I see Peter and Margaret haven't left the couch.

Don't worry. I've been in the room all night.

Fran, Fran, hurry up. The commercial's over.

Honey, you're having a nightmare. Go back to bed.

Good evening, Mr. Sheffield.

Oh. Hello, Peter.

It's a lovely shade of lip gloss you're wearing.

Thank you, sir. [CLEARS THROAT]

Meanwhile, have you asked your daughter

how's the hospital?

Five days in a row,. Never late.

And you'll never hear out of my mouth,

"I told you so."

Oh, tell him about the lady

who just came back from the Amazon.

Oh, my gosh.

This weird bug laid eggs in this lady's cheek,

and they started to hatch.

Ah!

Excuse me.

Oh...

Why doesn't anyone wanna hear about my job?

I can't wait to get back to the hospital tomorrow night.

But I got us tickets to Meat Puppets.

Hey. It's not like they're paying me.

Look, I'm sure I can find somebody to fill in for me.

But who?

I'll call you later.

Good night, Peter. Bye-bye.

Uh, Fran, I need a favor.

Um, how should I put this...?

Uh, imagine if you were young--

Honey, don't get creative.

Just tell me.

I can't work tomorrow night

because Peter asked me to a concert.

But I'm gonna get somebody

I really trust to cover for me.

Oh, well, if you got somebody that you really trust--

Oh, no.

Oh, come on, Fran.

It's our eight-week anniversary.

Eight? Already?

What is that, lint?

Hm.

Honey, nobody is going to believe

that I'm a candy striper.

Fran, you could pass for 16.

Sixteen? No way.

Eighteen, maybe.

But I'm supposed to be

teaching you responsibility.

Oh, Fran, don't be mean.

I love you so much.

Honey, that only works on your father.

Please?

Oh, all right. But just this one time.

Oh, thank you so much, Fran.

Now, I know that you told him that I wouldn't flake out,

so, uh, we don't have to tell him.

Oh, no.

Don't start lying to your father now.

Save that for when you come home

wearing your shirt inside out.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield, I gotta talk to you.

No. No, Miss Fine. Me first.

I want to tell you what a wonderful job

you've done with Margaret.

You know, I've been trying for years

to teach that child responsibility.

And you waltz in the front door

and accomplish it just...

[SNAPS] ...like that.

Well, you are a remarkable young woman.

What are you gonna do next?

Uh...

I'm going to Disneyland.

Hey, Fran.

Ah, nobody's sneaking out of the house.

Brighton, why aren't you eating in front of the TV

in the living room like a normal kid?

Niles would have a fit.

You know, we spend thousands of dollars

to Scotchgard the furniture,

and everybody's afraid to see if it works.

Come on. Go ahead. Goodbye.

NILES: ♪ Rum-pum Pa-dum-pum ♪

Oh. Hi, Niles.

You know, I'm glad you're here,

because Brighton is eating in the living room.

Hm. I'm telling you...

What time do you have to be at the hospital?

Six, and I'm already--

Oh, how do you know?

Well, let's see, at 5:15,

Peter's white Chevy Blazer parked outside.

Five-seventeen, I hear a thump,

Miss Margaret sneaking past my door.

I found this.

Five-twenty, a plaintive wail

from the neighbor's schnauzer.

Ah. Here's some late-breaking evidence.

A candy-striper uniform on my ham.

Thank you, F. Lee Butler.

Mr. Sheffield still sick?

Yes. Lucky you.

Oh, Niles, I would never wish the man ill

just so that I could sneak out--

MAXWELL: Niles. - Oh, man. What's he doing up?

Niles, Miss Babcock and I are--

[GROANS]

Miss Babcock-- [GRUNTS]

Miss Babcock-- Oh.

Yes, I know the feeling, sir.

He's trying to say

we have to go out to a meeting.

Oh, very good, sir.

So then Miss Badcook--

Uh, forgive me...

Babcock

--won't be poisoning you this evening?

[CHUCKLES]

You know what I think, Niles?

I think you're jealous.

You know why he doesn't come home for dinner?

You don't keep it interesting.

For 20 years, it's the same old recipes.

Let's face it, Niles...

You let yourself go.

He's bored.

Oh, don't listen to her.

I bet when he's eating her coq au vin,

he's fantasizing about yours. Mm.

Well, I'm not worried.

You think this is the first time he's strayed?

But he's always home for breakfast.

C.C.: Maxwell!

[GROANS]

Oh, Mr. Sheffield, I'm--

I'm really concerned about you.

You don't look well at all.

Really?

Well, maybe I should stay home.

Oh, what am I, a doctor?

Go. Go.

WOMAN [ON PA]: Dr. Warner,

wanted in Radiology, please.

Dr. Warner...

Okay, I need a candy striper

to stay an extra hour.

You. You don't look like you have a curfew.

Do you think that's appropriate for work?

Uh...

[CLEARS THROAT]

Works for him. [LAUGHS]

Take these to the linen supply room.

[PHONE RINGS]

[RINGING]

Hello?

Ma, how did you find me here?

Well, what's the emergency?

Ma, Mike Douglas isn't on Channel 4

because they canceled him 22 years ago.

Would you spring for a newTV Guide

[DOOR OPENS] DOCTOR: Don't worry.

It's just his appendix.

It's a very routine operation.

You're gonna be fine, Mr. Sheffield.

Now, you just relax.

I promise no more pain until you get my bill.

[CHUCKLES WEAKLY]

Okay, pleasant dreams. Mm.

He'll be back in the room in a couple of hours.

Are you the wife?

Yes.

Nurse, help me prep for surgery.

Uh...

Okay.

You look good.

You're a doctor.

[BLOWS] You can do it.

Not me.

The patient.

[SINGSONGY] Oh, Miss Fine.

Oh, yeah. You're fine,

I'm fine, we're all fine.

Shave him.

All right.

You're the doctor.

[HUMMING]

[CONTINUES HUMMING]

What are you doing?!

Well, I have no idea.

I mean, the man has a slight 5 o'clock shadow,

but it's not like he's going to a bar mitzvah.

Shave him for surgery!

Oh.

Well, where do you want me to shave--?

You know, I'll be back in a minute.

I have a girl that does a bikini wax--

Now.

All right.

Oh.

Oh. All right.

Oh.

[HUMS] [MOANS, CHUCKLES]

[CONTINUES HUMMING]

Bucking for a raise?

Oh, Fran, the hospital was awesome today.

Really, honey?

There was this one guy

with his eyeball just hanging by a bloody vein.

Miss Fine. Oh, hi, Mr. Sheffield.

Nice to see you up and around. Thank you.

Oh, Dad, your color's looking really good.

Let me just take your pulse.

Oh, my God! What?

Peter's picking me up in 10 minutes.

Well, even Dr. Quinn's got a mountain man.

You know, Miss Fine, I had the oddest dream

when I was going under the anesthetic.

Oh. Really?

Yes. I was married to C.C.

And you-- You-- You were my nurse.

[LAUGHS]

Yeah, that's the drugs.

Um, you know, when my mother had her hysterectomy,

she was convinced

that the operation was on60 Minutes.

Yeah.

Why Mike Wallace would devote a whole segment

to her uterus, she never questioned.

Yeah, I suppose you're right.

Drugs can play strange tricks on the mind.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Well, good night, Miss Fine.

Good night, Mr. Sheffield.

[HUMMING]

Miss Fine!

Brighton, how long have you been there?

Since, "Does this unhook in the front?"

Brighton. You liar.

You love torturing your sister, huh?

Yeah, well, it's something to do until I get my license.

Yeah, yeah.

He has been out of control

ever since we scrambled The Playboy Channel.