Original subtitles

Oh, Gracie, I think it's so sweet

that you're writing the President a letter.

I mean, he really needs some cheering up.

First, he loses the House and the Senate.

Then he jogs to McDonald's and finds out

a McLean has 10 grams of fat.

Ten?

What about those Chicken McNuggets?

Niles...

so that's how you got those McLove-Handles.

Fran, I don't know what to write.

What's the right way to address the man

who runs our entire country?

"Dear Newt"?

Don't be so smart, you.

B, you're a good writer. Go help your sister.

If it's a nice letter, forget it.

Why, what are you, a Republican?

I've got a trust fund. I'm no boob.

Go.

Maxwell, if he wants the damn play,

then let him have it. It isn't even finished.

Who?

Andrew...Lloyd...Webber.

Look, C.C., I found this play first.

I want to produce it.

Just once, I want to be on top.

I want you on top too, Maxwell.

You're just not going to win.

You might as well give up.

C'est la vie.

La vie.

Why shouldn't he try for it?

His shows are just as good.

Uh, as good as Phantom of the Opera?

Uh-huh.

Maxwell, for your own good, give up.

It's a futile fight.

For God's sake, I know when I'm licked.

Just give me a minute to get that image out of my head.

Nope, nope. Gonna have to live with it.

It is reassuring no know that if anything happens to me,

you're here to continue my work.

Well, maybe she's right.

I should just withdraw the offer.

That way it won't look like I've lost to him again.

Lost?

You haven't even begun to fight.

Mr. Sheffield, the only thing that Andrew Lloyd Webber has

that you don't, is a middle name.

I've got a middle name.

Oh, well, there you are. What is it?

Beverley.

Moving on.

Okay. Here's something else that you have that he doesn't.

Yeah? What's that, Miss Fine?

Me. Right, Niles?

What about a Whopper?

[THEME MUSIC PLAYS]

♪ She was working In a bridal shop ♪

♪ In Flushing, Queens ♪

♪ Till her boyfriend Kicked her out ♪

♪ In one of those Crushing scenes ♪

♪ What was she to do? Where was she to go? ♪

♪ She was out on her fanny ♪

♪ So over the bridge From Flushing ♪

♪ To the Sheffields' door ♪

♪ She was there to sell makeup But the father saw more ♪

♪ She had style, she had flair She was there ♪

♪ That's how she became The nanny ♪

♪ Who would have guessed That the girl we've described ♪

♪ Was just exactly What the doctor prescribed? ♪

♪ Now the father Finds her beguiling ♪

♪ Watch out C.C. ♪

♪ And the kids Are actually smiling ♪

♪ Such joie de vivre ♪

♪ She's the lady in red ♪

♪ When everybody else Is wearing tan ♪

♪ The flashy girl From Flushing ♪

♪ The nanny named Fran ♪

Fran, you know Clifford, that geek at my school?

Uh-huh. Oh, honey, you know,

he's not such a geek.

Not everyone can pull off mittens

clipped to their sleeves.

Well, he offered to help me on my PSATs.

Yeah? But I can't be seen with him.

Sweetie, it's the '90's.

Les geeks c'est chic.

See, here's the progression -

pocket protector, software genius,

compound in Malibu.

Oh...

Listen to me. You'll be smart.

Meanwhile, I'm a maid.

All right. It's all set.

I'm taking the playwright to dinner tonight.

And I happen to know he fancies himself

as a bit of a ladies' man,

so I thought maybe I'd set him up with Cindy, hm?

Nothing like a supermodel on the rebound.

Oh!

Now, you see, Mr. Sheffield?

That's why you're wearing Donna Karan, and I'm wearing--

Well, actually, I'm wearing Donna Karan, too,

but they cut the label out.

[TEAPOT WHISTLING]

So, what's this guy like?

Dakota Williams?

Oh, he's an elderly southern gentleman, you know,

a real man's man.

Hard-drinking, chain-smoking, plain-talkin'.

Oh, gee, and you wanna fix him up with Cindy Crawford.

I don't know.

From Richard Gere to Yosemite Sam?

You know what, leave everything to me.

I have just the gal for you.

Cheap, foul-mouthed,

finds secondhand smoke a big turn-on.

Oh, Miss Fine, you wouldn't want to go out with him.

I didn't mean me.

I hate smoke.

Do you think you can convince

this friend of yours to go out with him?

Oh, I don't know. She's gotta be willing

to have cocktails in a mansion,

dinner at a five-star restaurant,

and ride around all night in a limo

with some famous guy who's too old to jump her.

[CLICKS] Gonna be tough.

[EXHALES]

Now, Niles, you must be particularly attentive

to Mr. Williams this evening.

I want his visit here to be first class in every way.

Yeah, Niles, stay on your toes.

Oh!

Oh,my

Ah, there you are, Miss Fine.

Now, guess what.

After dinner, I've chartered a boat

to take us around Manhattan with a Cajun blues band

I've flown in from New Orleans.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield, now you're showing some gumbos.

[DOORBELL RINGS] Ooh! He's here.

Nanny Fine, take a powder.

Now, now, now, C.C., if it weren't for Miss Fine,

we wouldn't be entertaining

a Pulitzer Prize winner here this evening.

Pulitzer Clearing House? How much did he win?

Miss Fine, take a powder.

Mr. Dakota Williams.

Ah, I'm just Dak to you all.

Welcome.

I do not stand on ceremony, and just to prove it,

I'll drink anything you got.

As long as it's sour mash whiskey.

Oh, we got that, all right.

Don't we, Niles?

What are you, nuts?

Sir.

I'm C.C. Babcock, Mr. Williams.

Your plays are so profound.

Where do you get your inspiration?

Gimme an uptight, alcoholic spinster,

and I'll give you a play.

Ta-da.

[LAUGHING]

Oh...

Sugar, sugar, sugar.

Little darlin', who are you?

Hi, I'm Fran Fine.

You know, I was the lead in one of your plays in high school.

Because of my accent, everyone thought I was from the South.

Must have been an amazing production.

Oh, when I played the death scene with my mammy,

how I loved her, how I loved her...

Anyway, there wasn't a dry eye in Flushing.

Flushin'? Like a toilet?

On a good day.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Oh, Sheffield, this is one saucy woman.

We gonna get along like two June bugs on a summer picnic.

Well, actually, actually, she's not your date.

No. Huh?

Your date's even cruder.

Yes, much.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I'll get that. - Me too.

Oh, Miss Fine, I can taste victory already.

And it's all you.

I have you to thank. - You ain't seen nothing yet.

Wait till you get a load of the chick I fixed him up with.

Ta-da!

I'm sorry I'm late.

I had to dig up a brassiere that hooks in the front.

[WHISPERS] What? No good?

MAXWELL: Are you out of your bloody mind?

Oh, look who's here, Bob's Big Boy.

MAXWELL: Miss Fine!

You fixed up America's foremost living playwright

with a woman whose greatest attribute

is making rice that doesn't stick together?

He was smiling when he met her.

He's drunk out of his mind!

All right. She's on pain killers.

Maybe neither of them will realize they're together.

Miss Fine, Miss Fine, haven't I been good to you?

Yes, you have.

Gave you a job when you needed one?

Yes, you did.

All the Slim-Fast bars you can eat?

Mm-hm.

And how do you repay me?

I was just trying to be the woman behind the man.

How would you like to be the woman

behind the Burger King counter?

The one on 57th Street is hiring.

You know, for a minute there, when I saw Yetta,

I thought that she

[LAUGHS]

Oh, let me tell her in lieu of a Christmas bonus.

No!

[SOBS] Oh, it'syour

Maxwell, let's kill her.

C.C., I prefer to do this without any witnesses.

Niles. Hm? Oh, hm.

Mr. Sheffield, let me just tell you my thinking.

Andrew Lloyd Webber would have never thought

to fix him up with someone like Grandma Yetta.

Well, Nanny Fine finally dug a hole deep enough

to bury herand

Ha, ha!

Miss Babcock, you have a little something, uh...

Oh, well, give me that.

How's that?

How do I look?

Yummy.

All right! Would you keep it down?

We've got company.

[GROANS]

C.C.?

What?

What on earth happened to your face?

She cut herself shaving.

Ooh!

So anyway, 30 years,

I'm thinking it's a beauty mark.

Suddenly, I wake up, it's the size of Danny DeVito.

Yetta! Yetta!

That's nothing.

I got somethin' that looks like a gas cap

off a '64 Corvair growin' on my butt.

We believe you.

We believe you.

Oh, I got somethin' for you.

But first I gotta take off my girdle.

You little tease.

She is such a turn-on!

Did you hear that?

Yetta, big turn-on.

Excuse me, Mr. Williams,

I-I know we could all go on and on about Yetta.

Hell, she turns me on.

But why don't we see if we can't work out a deal

before you're sober-- Supper! Your supper.

Sheffield, is this how you do business?

Ah, just show me where to sign.

Come on, honeysuckle.

It's all body language.

Watch the walk.

Miss Fine, you never cease to amaze me.

You know, I don't know why you're so shocked.

I mean, you asked me to fix the man up with someone.

I followed my instincts.

Simple, yet bonus-worthy.

Miss Fine, I could just kiss you.

Coulda, shoulda, woulda, but didn't.

Stop it. You're embarrassing me.

Oh, he keeps calling me his right arm.

Miss Fine, you have more lives than Garfield.

Oh, Niles, lox, eggs and onions.

Yes. Grandma Yetta left her breakfast order on the doorknob

before she went to bed.

Well, when she sleeps over,

she always thinks she's at the Fontainebleau.

If you wanna make a buck,

tie your shirt into a calypso knot

and serve her a piña colada.

MAXWELL: Oh, Miss Fine...

Coming.

I'm feeling a little short. Time to get on my pedestal.

Ah, there she is.

Who?

My right arm.

Oh, stop it.

You're embarrassing me.

Oh, I'm sorry, Miss Fine.

I-I just can't help it.

I own Dakota Williams' next play.

I finally beat Andrew Lloyd Webber,

and it wouldn't have happened if it weren't for you.

Oh, you did it all yourself.

I was merely your, um...

um...

Right arm.

Stop it. You're em-- Oh, it's you.

Good morning.

FRAN: Good morning. - Good morning.

I'll have some of everything.

I'm on the American Plan.

So tell me, did the dinner last night go well?

You got home so late.

Oh, she was quite the little vixen.

Oh, Yetta, you didn't drop anything under the table

and go look for it, did ya?

One time.

Just to see if I still had it.

Oh, God.

That was you?

That was you?

Do you two wanna be alone?

Meanwhile...

Dak and I are a match made in heaven.

I like dark meat. He likes light.

I could hear the movie. He could see it.

I got a right lung. He's got a left.

But the best part is, he's retired.

No, no, he's not retired yet, Yetta.

He's still got a play to finish.

Good luck. The man hasn't written a word in 20 years.

Oh, Yetta, you're confused.

Mr. Sheffield just bought his play.

That's right. First act is on my desk right now.

Did you happen to notice it was written with a quill pen?

What is she saying?

I'm saying don't hold your breath for the second act.

The man's got writer's blockage.

Oh, no.

Oh, God.

Thank you for introducing us.

Most guys my age are senile.

I'll be in the gift shop.

All right, let's-- let's recap.

I now own a play that is totally worthless,

and Andrew Webber does not.

My right arm is strangely silent.

Did it have a stroke?

It's thinking.

Try and follow me for a minute here.

Why would Dak sign a deal with you

when he could have signed a deal with Andrew Lloyd Webber?

Because my plays are just as good.

No, really.

It's because of Yetta.

You know, he might back out of the deal if she dumps him.

Wait, wait, Miss Fine,

Dak is the most exciting man Yetta's ever met.

I mean, what would possibly make her leave him?

Well, she had her eye on the couch in the lobby.

Yetta.

I hate when they don't put prices on things.

I mean, where do ya start?

Look, Yetta, I know you've grown very fond of Dak,

but, well, you should know he drinks far too much,

he swears like a sailor, and-- well, frankly,

he's a scoundrel with women.

Mr. Sheffield, are you trying

to talk her out of it or into it?

Let me handle this.

Yetta, you gotta break up with him.

Why?

He's cute, and he's loaded.

If we got married,

someday this would all be yours.

What are we really doing here?

Oh, no, wait a minute, wait a minute. I can't do this.

I-I can't ask her to give up her last chance for happiness,

just so I can get out of a bloody business deal.

Hold it. This was business?

I was just a cheap, tawdry sex toy?

Why does this always happen to me?

I'm very sorry, Yetta.

Hey, I was there.

How could ya not use me?

Business is important.

I, myself, am an "entre-manure."

Oy, my family's gonna have to stop breeding.

Franny, let me talk to your husband in private.

You wanna talk business, here's the deal.

I'll give up Dak if you quit fooling around with the blond.

Shame on you!

Look what you got.

Mags, lighten up.

What's with the unger-bluzene punim?

Unger what?

Sourpuss.

You know, it's a face like that that kept Molly Ringwald

from a film career as an adult.

Fran, the worst thing has happened.

The computer nerd asked me out.

Oh, so he's getting a little interactive, huh?

Fran, I don't wanna go out with him.

Ugh, he'll wear that hat with those earflaps.

Honey, let me impart some wisdom on you.

My mother always dressed my father in leisure suits...

and no one has ever stolen him away.

Fran, you don't understand.

My best friend Whitney's going out with a football player

who is so studly.

All right, honey, honey.

Let me just give you the progression here -

star quarterback, pulled groin, beer gut,

"Can I check your oil, please?"

Huh?

C.C.: Maxwell, I'm coming in, and I have terrible news.

Isn't that redundant?

C.C., nothing can spoil this perfect day.

Just about now, Andrew Lloyd Webber

is probably realizing that he owns Dakota Williams'

long-awaited opus named

You Better Like Act One, 'Cause There Ain't No Act Two.

I read...

"Dakota Williams closes a deal with Andrew Lloyd Webber

"to produce his new play--

Mm-hm.

--which he finished in one night."

Oh, Miss Fine...

Are you doin' the hokey-pokey and you need your right arm in?

I'd take it out before he shakes it all about.

Wha--?

Webber stole our playwright.

Well, tell us something we don't know.

[LAUGHS]

All right.

"The playwright was inspired

"to complete the deeply personal project

"by a recent bout of unrequited love."

"In contrast to his usual heroine,

"the pivotal character is an earthy, elderly

"Hebraic woman..."

"named Zetta!"

Ever since I started working here,

I don't need a treadmill.

I have to get Miss Grace.

Mr. Clinton's here. [GASPS]

Clinton? The President?

He knows Barbra Streisand!

This is so exciting.

Who are you?

I'm Roger Clinton.

Do you know Streisand?

Well, I was at the inauguration, but I had terrible seats.

Oh...

Miss Fine, you haven't been dismissed.

I haven't finished with you yet.

Not now, Mr. Sheffield. We have company.

Roger Clinton is here.

Oh. Uh...why?

Your daughter wrote my brother a letter,

and he was so touched by it,

he asked me to stop by while I was in town.

Where's the president?

Honey, honey, he couldn't make it.

But his brother came instead.

Oh.

Isn't this exciting?

Honey, go get your camera.

Why would I want a picture--? - Go!

Uh, you know, Mr. Clinton,

Miss Fine here is a great admirer

and supporter of your entire family.

Yes, I am.

Thank you. That's nice to hear.

As a matter of fact, you should send for her in '96.

Oh! Yeah.

She is an inspiration to have in your corner.

Well, I'll tell Bill.

Uh, you know, he's always looking for a good right arm.

Mr. Sheffield, that was so nice of you.

You know, I thought you were a Republican.

I am.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYS]

Thank you for my gift.

Well, Yetta, I just hope you enjoy it.

You know, for the club chair, I woulda put out.

[SIGHS] Well, that's what happens

when you get involved with an "entre-manure."