Original subtitles

You know, the further back I go into this family tree thing,

the creepier it gets.

Did you know that Great Uncle Phillip

beheaded Great Aunt Isabel?

You know, the same thing happened in my family too.

It was a bad combination of car sickness

and an electric sunroof.

And Cousin Rupert the first married his sister.

Oh, now, that's creepy.

That was never proven. It was just a rumor.

Meanwhile, I'm sure their kids played one hell of a banjo.

Good morning. Oh.

Honey, tell your father the good news.

Oh, yeah, there's four great movies at the Cineplex.

No, honey. The other news.

We paid for one and snuck in three.

Sweetie, sweetie, tell your father

who's coming over after school.

Oh, yeah, I've got a new friend.

And does this friend exist outside of your mind?

Brighton!

Does she, sweetheart?

Of course she does.

Gracie has grown and matured

since I've been imparting my wisdom on her.

Honey, don't wipe your nose with your hand.

Use your sleeve.

Mr. Sheffield, the doctor called

to confirm your 3:30 appointment.

Thank you. Mm. And?

Happily married, not Jewish, wears Birkenstocks.

Why are you going to the doctor? Everything okay?

Just getting a physical and a stress test.

Meanwhile, I've got a cousin--

Oh, God, she's got a cousin.

Shall I push your appointment back an hour, sir?

All I'm saying is that you can never be too careful.

My cousin, Reed, 35, worked out every day,

no salt, no sugar,

walks out of a health-food store,

"Bam!" Dead.

Heart attack? - No.

Gets hit by a wheat-germ truck, you know.

And the moral of this story is...?

Everything has to have a moral?

What am I? Mother Goose?

[THEME SONG PLAYS]

♪ She was working In a bridal shop ♪

♪ In Flushing, Queens ♪

♪ Till her boyfriend Kicked her out ♪

♪ In one of those Crushing scenes ♪

♪ What was she to do? Where was she to go? ♪

♪ She was out on her fanny ♪

♪ So over the bridge From Flushing ♪

♪ To the Sheffields' door ♪

♪ She was there to sell makeup But the father saw more ♪

♪ She had style, she had flair She was there ♪

♪ That's how she became The nanny ♪

♪ Who would have guessed That the girl we've described ♪

♪ Was just exactly What the doctor prescribed? ♪

♪ Now, the father Finds her beguiling ♪

♪ Watch out, C.C. ♪

♪ And the kids Are actually smiling ♪

♪ Such joie de vivre ♪

♪ She's the lady in red When everybody else ♪

♪ Is wearing tan ♪

♪ The flashy girl From Flushing ♪

♪ The nanny named Fran ♪

♪ I know something You don't know ♪

I'm not the least bit interested, Niles.

♪ Nanny Fine is in the will ♪

What?

How do you know?

♪ Cleaning the extension phone ♪

Would you stop singing?

Am I in it?

♪ 'Fraid not ♪

Ooh! That gold digger.

Well, she'll end up with nothing.

I'll contest it. What's he leaving her?

The children.

He's leaving her the--

Well...

Poor girl deserves to walk away with something.

Oh, where's Mr. Sheffield? He wanted to see me.

Oh.

All right, listen up. I have pulled a major coup.

Oh, well, that will heal itself.

But for the next couple of days,

sleep on your side and wear boxer shorts.

I'll file that in the appropriate place,

thank you, Miss Fine.

Anyway, back to what I was actually talking about.

Doug Emerson is coming to dinner tonight.

Oh, well, that was one schlepp down the stairs

that I could have lived without.

Doug Emerson?

I thought he would never leave Andrew Lloyd Webber!

[GASPS] I didn't know they were together.

Maybe the schlepp was

Nanny Fine, Doug Emerson is an investor,

and if you've nothing intelligent to--

Listen to me. "If."

[LAUGHS]

Well, if Doug's coming tonight, I'd better go change.

And I thought she had to wait for a full moon.

So, Mr. Sheffield,

you wanted to talk to me about something?

Miss Fine, Miss Fine,

I have an important proposal to make.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield, a proposal?

Oh, boy, I'll never doubt that Jeane Dixon again.

What do I do first?

[GASPS] Call my mother.

No, call the electrolysist.

Miss Fine, Miss Fine,

this is very difficult for me to say.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield,

you're really throwing me for a loop here.

I mean, we're not even on a first-name basis.

And since you've been so wonderful with the children,

I'd like to put it in the will that you continue as their nanny

just in case something happens to me.

Oh...

Oh.

Well, Mr. Sheffield, I'm really moved to tears.

[CLEARS THROAT]

But I-I don't wanna talk about wills. Toi toi.

I'll give that Jeane Dixon such a slap.

Honey, you're involved in a dysfunctional relationship.

I know the kind.

All his friends are more important to him than you are.

He's selfish.

You should just dump him.

She can't. He's got all of her stickers.

Oh...

I'm home.

Oh, B, wait a second. Come here and say hello

to your sister's friend Erica.

Hi, I'm Brighton.

[CHIMES PLAY]

Okay, so, um, I'm gonna go get a soda now.

Me too.

He's a god!

Erica likes Brighton?

She really is on the rebound.

Oh, honey, to you, he's an obnoxious brother,

but to other little girls,

he's 79 pounds of pure studmuffin.

Ew.

Next thing you know,

she'll let him play with her pogs.

Well, look, if she's that fast and loose with her pogs,

she's gonna get a reputation.

[COMPACTS SNAP]

Niles, pour me some more tea.

I want some more tea, Niles.

You are a butler, now buttle!

Would you like some tea, Miss Babcock?

You know damn well I want some more tea, you imbecile.

Now pour!

C.C.! Maxwell!

Don't speak to Niles like that.

Poor man isn't a mind-reader.

B-but Maxwell ... - Oh, it's all right, sir.

Perhaps my hearing isn't what it once was.

Forgive me.

So, Niles, about dinner tonight--

Oh, I've outdone myself for your new investor, sir.

Gorgonzola salad, stuffed pork chops,

potatoes au gratin.

No, no, no. Seems Mr. Emerson is recovering from a bypass.

His doctor faxed over his American Heart Association diet.

Got to be followed to the letter, I'm afraid.

Ooh, something smells good. What is it?

Oh, nothing, just a chocolate soufflé that's been rising.

Don't need that. [DOOR SLAMS]

Niles, come help me pick out a tie, would you, old man?

Yes, sir. I've got 15 minutes.

Why don't I just knit you a new suit?

I think it's sweet.

He wants to make sure you'll still be his nanny

even after he croaks.

Val, toi toi.

He just wants to draw up some papers,

make everything legal.

Why? What's he afraid of.

Oh, I don't know.

Something about his relatives contesting the will,

saying that he was insane at the time that he hired me.

What's this? - What's what?

It says, "American Heart Association coronary care menu."

What? Give me that.

Oh, my God. Val.

First, the doctor, then the will?

Now this? - What are ya getting at?

Why didn't he say something?

What? What?

Val, I'm gonna be a widow.

Honey, you're jumping to conclusions.

Oh! Oh! Niles, Niles, do you know anything about this?

Yes, and if I don't follow it to the letter,

Mr. Sheffield's going to have a coronary.

Fran, I'm so upset.

Oh, honey, I know. Be brave.

Look at the size of this zit.

Zit?

Do you have any cover-up in your purse?

Oh, sure, honey.

I've got. I'll do. I'll fix.

♪ Nothing's gonna harm you Not while I'm around ♪

Oh, honey.

What are you doing here all by yourself?

Where'd Erica go?

I don't know. But Brighton's in the bathroom.

She probably followed him in there.

Oh, sweetie.

Now, don't exaggerate.

Get out!

It's not fair.

She's supposed to be my friend.

Honey, an adorable brother

could be your ticket to popularity.

Look at Shirley MacLaine and Warren Beatty.

Do you think that if he wasn't her brother,

she would have a date in any life?

Come on, have I ever steered you wrong?

What about that home perm?

Meanwhile, you were quick to grab the prize

at the Howie Mandel lookalike contest.

Erica, get away from that door.

Brighton's gonna be in there a while.

The brassiere section

from my Penney's catalogue is missing.

Hey, Erica, you wanna go upstairs?

I'll let you use Brighton's toothbrush.

[GASPS] Cool!

Can you believe she followed me into the bathroom?

Meanwhile, did you put the seat down?

Because Miss Babcock fell in again.

It wasn't me. I don't know who keeps leaving it up.

[WHISTLING]

Brighton, you're not taking advantage of this situation.

[DOOR SLAMS] [WHISTLING]

You've got a girl who worships and adores you.

Honey, you gotta do the right thing.

What? Make her your slave.

Cool!

Niles, there's a messenger coming

to pick this up in a few minutes.

No! Are you insane?

It's all right. I've got it. Let go!

No, I've got it. Let go!

All right.

Oh!

Ah!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Are you okay?

Well, Miss Fine, while I'm waiting

for the throbbing to subside,

have you given any further thought

to that little matter we discussed?

Is it that urgent?

Well, I'd certainly rest easier.

Oh, look, he's stopping to smell the roses.

[KNOCKING]

Oh, Val, thanks for coming back.

I hope it wasn't too much trouble.

Please, how hard is it to wait for two trains, a bus,

and cut through Central Park at night?

Oh, 'cause you know I'm just so beside myself

with this whole "Mr. Sheffield dropping dead" situation.

Tea? Sure.

I mean, why is he even having this dinner party?

He's in such denial.

And you know, they're gonna ship me and the kids

off to his sister's in England.

England? With all that rain?

What are you gonna do there?

You know you frizz.

Oh, my God.

Now you know how upset I am.

I didn't even think about my hair.

What am I gonna do in England?

I'm gonna have to learn a whole 'nother language.

Besides, the truth be told,

the kids are much closer to my side than his.

They may look British,

but they think Yiddish.

Have you thought about the funeral arrangements?

Oh, I forgot about that.

Now I'm gonna have to figure out flowers, food,

how he wants to spend the hereafter.

You know, we put Uncle Louie in a gorgeous urn.

Maybe we should stick him in that.

Where'd Uncle Louie go?

Oh, my mother took a couple of Dexatrim one day

and got on to a real cleaning jag.

P.S., Uncle Louie's spending eternity in a Dirt Devil.

[TEAPOT WHISTLING]

Well, if you need a place for the funeral,

my Cousin Gino just redid his parlor.

He bought out the Chinese restaurant next door.

Oh, I don't know, Val.

A funeral in a Chinese restaurant?

What happens? You cry your eyes out,

and an hour later you wanna grieve again.

[BOTH SHRIEK AND LAUGH]

Franny! Ah!

Stop it. Stop it, stop!

You stop! No, it's not nice.

Poo-poo, poo-poo. - Poo-poo, poo-poo.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, but it feels good to laugh.

Mmm. I needed that release.

MAXWELL: Miss Fine.

Oh, hello again, Miss Toriello, long time no see.

Miss Fine, could you give me a hand with this cufflink?

Mr. Sheffield, could I ask you a couple of questions?

Mm-hm.

If you were, let's say, taking a nap on the couch

where people might, oh, I don't know,

line up to see you...

would you be more comfortable in a suit

or something sporty or, let's say, waterproof?

What is this? AnotherCosmo

I promise, it's the last one...

[SOBBING] ...you'll ever have to take.

[DOORBELL RINGS] Oh, that must be my investor.

All right. How do I look?

Oh, you look great, just great!

Doesn't he? Ah!

Oh, he's at death's door.

Oh, I gotta be strong.

Franny, my heart goes out to you.

What are you going to do?

What can I do?

I'm just gonna have to be my usual

charming, effervescent life of the party.

[SOBBING]

Sorry, Doug, you'll have to excuse us.

This isn't a typical evening.

Yes, you're not home alone,

sitting on your foot massager, watchingSisters.

So, uh-- so tell me, Doug,

what's the real story behind Faye Dunaway

inSunset Boulevard,

All I know is I have the distinction

of being the only person who ever lost money

with Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber.

You do know that he's been knighted, don't you?

Oh, he do.

You know, everyone in the Sheffield family tree

has a title of Sir or Lord in their name...

except for Dad,

and Uncle Bill, who thinks he's a leprechaun.

Thank you, Margaret.

Mr. Sheffield, butter?

No, I already have some, thank you, Miss Fine.

You're not gonna eat that, are you?

Why not? Uh...

'Cause it just fell on the floor.

Sour cream for your potato, sir?

Yes-- No.

May I have that, please.

Oh, my God! Fire!

What?

Oh, my mistake.

I must be hallucinating.

Niles, what kind of mushrooms did you put in that soup?

Miss Fine, will you pass me the salt, please?

I think we're all out.

No, it's right there in front of your face.

Oh, all right. Here ya go.

Miss Fine, perhaps I didn't make myself clear.

Please pass the blasted salt.

Thank you.

So, Doug, Andrew's loss is our gain, huh?

Here's to a long and fruit--

Miss Fine, what are you doing?

Oh, it's okay. It's blowfish.

I'm just cooling it off for you.

Well, don't. - Well, fine.

Burn your mouth, but quit hoggin' the salt.

Here.

Oh, thank you. [CHUCKES]

Everything is so delicious.

I don't eat like this normally.

Mm, I'd, uh-- I'd like to make a toast.

What a good idea.

Hollandaise? - Oh, yes, please.

DOUG: May we sweep the Tony Awards

and enjoy a tenth year--

Have you lost your mind? What are you doing?

Well, egg is such a good...

It's such a good moisturizer,

and my hands have been so dry lately.

Miss Fine, could I--?

Could I have a little word with you?

Sure. Go ahead.

[SHE SQUEAKS]

In the kitchen, please!

I just have to show him where the toothpicks are.

[SHE GRUNTS]

What have I ever done to you?

Why are you trying to destroy me?

Me? I think you're doing a pretty good job

of that yourself, Sir Hollandaise.

You know, when you first came to this house,

I thought, "Oh, she's nuts."

But then we began making progress.

I-I actually thought I was beginning to see

the light at the end of the tunnel.

Don't go towards the light.

You're actually insane.

Have those chemicals you use to color your hair

finally seeped into your brain?

I don't color my hair.

I just put on a layer of dark highlights.

I'm calling a doctor. Why? Are you okay?

Don't you feel all right? You're scaring me.

Mr. Sheffield, don't be scared.

I'll never leave you.

Now you're terrifying me.

Why can't you follow the menu from your cardiologist?

You know, you're just like my mother.

She thinks that if she has an M&M with a glass of water,

it's like taking a One-A-Day.

Miss Fine, this is Emerson's diet.

I'm in perfect health.

The only coronary I'm gonna get around here is over you.

So you're not gonna die?

Oh, Mr. Sheffield-- Oh, because, you know,

I don't know where any of the policies are.

I don't wanna go through your drawers and find out

that you've been keeping another nanny

on the side all these--

Hm...

You know, strange though it might seem,

this is actually beginning to make sense to me.

I'll just go in there and tell Emerson

you're off your medication.

You know, it's really kind of funny

when ya think about it.

What? - Well, you know, Emerson,

you're saying is the guy with the heart condition.

Yeah. But, meanwhile,

I've been putting all of your sauce

and butter and cream on his plate!

[BOTH LAUGH]

[SHE CHUCKLES]

[SIRENS WAIL]

You know, Miss Fine, there are many ways

a producer can lose a potential backer.

He may dislike the show, hate the casting,

but death-by-nanny may actually be a first.

Well, he's not dead yet.

Believe me, if there was anything that I can do

to trade places with him, I wish I was lying in that bed

with tubes coming out of me.

Although, I didn't force the food down his throat.

It's all right. We've nothing to worry about.

Oh! - You spoke to the doctor?

No. The bank. The checked cleared.

Maxwell Sheffield?

Yes, yes, yes, yes, how... how is Mr. Emerson?

Absolutely fine.

Just a severe case of gastro indigestion.

Must be something he ate.

Well, not necessarily.

Stress could do it to you too.

My friend Val used to sing

the national anthem at assembly, solo.

She would get so stressed out--

well, when she got to the part the "bombs bursting in air"...

let's just say, she didn't need a timpani.

All right, Miss Fine. Let's go home.

You know, life is so strange.

One minute, you're eatin' dinner,

the next minute, you're fightin' for your life.

I'll tell ya, it's like Shakespeare once said,

"Like sands through the hourglass,

so are the days of our lives."

Well, Miss Fine, let's go back, see the children,

let them know everything's all right.

You know, I love those kids so much

that as soon as we get home, I want to sign that will.

But what happens to them if I go first?

ThenI

You see, Miss Fine, they are my children.

But what if I'm the one--? - No, no.

I promise, I'm going first.

There. Signed, sealed and delivered.

Now take it away.

I never wanna see that will again.

Were our names mentioned anywhere else?

Let me see that will again.

I just wanna make sure that I dotted my "I."

Nope, no, no. Little smiley-face and everything.

FRAN: Uh-huh.

No matter, I'm taking the silver anyway.

Look at that, you've got a wall safe

just like in the movies.

I've been here over a year, I never knew that was there.

Let's see, right 49...

left 32...

right-- What was it?

BOTH: Forty-two, right.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYS]

that little Erica made up with her old boyfriend.

She didn't wanna give up half her Barbie Dream House

in the settlement.

Oh. Right.

It's so pathetic.

This geeky little kid drooling all over you.

Well, you know...

Hi, Fran. Hi, honey.

This is my friend, Pamela.

Hi, sweetie. - Hi.

[CHIMES PLAY]

[LOUD THUD]

[MOANS]