Original subtitles

Oh, wow.

Look at all these memories.

Ma could never throw anything of mine away.

Darling, get all your crap outta here.

I'm converting the storage room

into a den for your father.

Ma, this is a den by you?

Why don't you just strap him to the wall

and slap an iron mask on his face?

You kids.

We're not into that.

Oh, look!

My old stewardess costume.

For Halloween, I went as Karen Black

fromAirport '75.

"Oh, my God, the pilot's been sucked out."

Oh, wow, these are cool.

Oh, my old platforms.

[CHUCKLING] Oh.

I used to boogie, oogie, oogie

till I just couldn't boogie no more.

[SIGHS] Oh...

You want? - Sure.

Oh, look.

Your father's first piece.

He loved Ringo.

Oh, it takes me back.

Now sing...

"Yeah, yeah, yeah."

Ma, look at this.

This is my "Win a date with Erik Estrada" entry form.

You were supposed to mail this in 1979.

All right. Give it to me.

I've got a tax form from '81 that's gotta go.

Fran, how come all these kids are green?

[GASPS] Oy, my camp picture got moldy.

Oh, please, let this be a fat year.

Oh, what difference does it make?

That stupid Judy Silverman always jumped in front of me

every time I went to take a picture.

She was so threatened by me.

Why? Because you were prettier than her?

Well, yeah, that,

and also 'cause I actually threatened her.

She always had to be one up on me, you know?

I mean, sometimes she succeeded.

Sometimes an ex-lax and hot cocoa

kept her out of Color War.

Yow. This is scary.

Look, it's a naked picture of that guy fromEvening Shade.

Oh!

Oh, gross!

Oh, my Burt Reynolds' Cosmo

Darling, that's mine.

No, Ma, you laminated yours.

No, I didn't.

Yes, you did.

Oh, well, I guess that's more than Lonnie got.

[THEME SONG PLAYS]

♪ She was working In a bridal shop ♪

♪ In Flushing, Queens ♪

♪ Till her boyfriend Kicked her out ♪

♪ In one of those Crushing scenes ♪

♪ What was she do? Where was she to go? ♪

♪ She was out on her fanny ♪

♪ So over the bridge From Flushing ♪

♪ To the Sheffields' door ♪

♪ She was there To sell makeup ♪

♪ But the father saw more

She had style, she had flair She was there ♪

♪ That's how she became The nanny ♪

♪ Who would have guessed ♪

♪ That the girl We've described ♪

♪ Was just exactly What the doctor prescribed? ♪

♪ Now the father Finds her beguiling ♪

♪ Watch out, C.C. ♪

♪ And the kids Are actually smiling ♪

♪ Such joie de vivre ♪

♪ She's the lady in red

♪ When everybody else Is wearing tan ♪

♪ The flashy girl From Flushing ♪

♪ The nanny named Fran ♪

Okay, Fran, where do you want these?

Oh, my old school books.

Looking for Mr. Goodbar.

Valley of the Dolls.

Intro to Chemistry? How'd that get in there?

What exactly are a person's "loins",

and how do you get them to quiver?

Give me that.

You know what? Stick this in my closet.

Better yet, put it under my bed.

Oh, Niles,

Look at what I brought home.

Doesn't it smell real? [SNIFFS]

[SARCASTICALLY] You mean it's not?

No.

You know what the secret is.

You dust it with Lemon Pledge.

Oh.

Why don't you take it and put it in your room?

Cheer it up a little bit.

[MUTTERS] Oh, that's really nice.

Meanwhile, what are you wearing to the Camp Kindervelt reunion?

Oh, I'm not going to that.

I don't need Judy Silverman rubbing her gorgeous,

successful, handsome, rich husband in my face.

Maybe she's still single.

Oh, Val, you're confusing her with us.

Judy was already narrowing the groom's side to 30

while we were still bobbin' in the lake,

shouting "Marco, Polo."

So you're not gonna go?

Not unless I can go on the arm

of a drop-dead gorgeous guy.

Oh, tell Giorgio I love his suits,

but I am not posing forGQ.

I'm a businessman, not a bloody model.

Wouldn't hurt if he was loaded, either.

And what would I do with another Lamborghini?

Hey, why don't you ask Mr. Sheffield to take you.

Oh, Val, where do you come up with these ideas?

Why not? It's just a favor.

He's a friend, and you'd do for him.

You know, you're right.

He's always schlepping me to those premieres.

I'm in and out of limos.

I have to remember all those names...

Donald, Marla...

Woody, Mia.

I had to write Soon-Yi's name on my wrist.

MAGGIE: Fran, these shoes fit great!

Oh, good, honey, I'm glad.

Gee, I love those platforms.

I wonder why I stopped wearin' 'em?

[CRASH]

MAGGIE: I'm okay!

It's freezing out here.

Quit smoking, C.C. and come inside.

Niles, get that hideous thing off the terrace, would you?

Mr. Sheffield wants you to get off the terrace.

Oh, Maxwell, why can't I smoke inside?

C.C., if you want to ruin your own health,

that's your business,

but Niles is allergic.

Ooh.

Hi, Mr. Sheffield.

What do you want?

Nothing.

Can't a friend come in

and say hello to another friend?

Hello, friend.

You're sitting on John Malkovich.

I don't hear him

Get up.

Now I forgot what I came in here to ask you.

Oh, yeah.

Uh, my camp is having a big reunion this weekend.

What are you doing Friday night?

Friday, Friday, Friday, Friday,

[FASTER] Friday, Friday, Friday, Friday.

Oh, meeting of the Tony committee.

What a shame.

Blast, if it was any other night...

Oh, lucky you. It's really Saturday.

A blind man in New Jersey saw that one coming, sir.

Miss Fine, I hate reunions.

I didn't even go to my own at Eaton.

NILES: Oh, yes, you did, sir. Don't you remember?

You were sulking in the corner because

everyone was kissing Jeremy Irons' ass--

--pirin, Q-tips,and

Well...

I'm off to the drug store.

Come on, Mr. Sheffield, what do you say?

Goodbye?

Oh, I can't believe this.

After all the favors that I've done for you.

You schlepp me on that yacht, on a Sunday yet.

All the way up to Newport,

just so you and the kids can hang out with Claus.

Meanwhile, I'm upstairs with Sunny.

The woman doesn't say two words.

[SIGHS]

Can you believe I actually considered

calling my ex-fiancé, Danny,

to see if he'd take me to this reunion?

Oh, how low can I stoop?

What are you doin' Saturday night?

As cute a couple as we'd make,

I have a date with a sure thing.

Just don't leave your wallet on the dresser.

Fran, I hung your psychopathic poster in my room.

That's "psychedelic", honey.

Yeah, Niles, in the old days,

you could hallucinate a date.

Oh, God, Andrew Lloyd Webber's done it again.

Just got the rights to a show I've been after for years.

Just for once, Niles, I'd love to top him.

Well, now you know how Miss Fine feels about Judy Silverman.

I'm sorry, sir. I know it hurts, but it's my job.

Oh, all right.

I suppose it would be very thrilling for her

to walk in with me.

Your blue suit is back from the cleaners.

Oh, no, Niles, that's much too

"Here I am, Mr. Big-Famous-Producer."

I think the, um-- The green tweed.

That's very smart. - Good choice, sir.

There's no time to take it to the cleaners.

You'll have to press it yourself.

Oh, fix the lining in the right sleeve, would you?

Oh, and, uh, mend the buttons.

Just snazz it up a bit.

Did you say the green tweed, sir?

Don't you think it makes you look rather...?

Rather what?

Well, tubby.

Nice try, Niles. I'm wearing the green tweed. Go on, get on it.

[MOCKS BITTERLY] Niles doesn't have anything else to do.

He can go upstairs and snazz it up.

How do you keep from twisting your ankle in those things?

Oh, you don't.

That's what bell-bottoms were for,

to hide the swelling.

What's this for?

Oh, that's my disco whistle.

Twirl that chandelier.

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

♪ I'm looking for some hot stuff, baby ♪

♪ This evening ♪

Whoop whoop.

♪ Hot stuff, baby, tonight ♪

♪ I'm looking for Some hot stuff, ba-- ♪

Oh! [LOUD CRASH]

Fran?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

GRACIE AND BRIGHTON: I'll get it.

Hi. - Hi.

How are you?

I'm looking for a Fran Fine.

Uh, hi, Ponch.

Ponch?!

Whoa!

[GRUNTS]

Oh, my!

[GIGGLES]

You aremuy bonita.

[BAD ACCENT] Gracias.

Wow. Great smile.

Oh, don't look at it directly. It's like an eclipse.

So are you here to see Mr. Sheffield?

No, Fran. He's here to see you.

We sent in your old "Win a date with Erik Estrada"

entry form.

My manager thought it'd be a fun thing to do,

you know, for publicity.

Don't you have a big reunion tomorrow night?

Yeah.

Well...

I'm the hombre who's taking you.

Oh, my God. This is--

Amazing.

It's like a dream. How could this be?

We told him how desperate you were.

Oh, thank you!

Well, then, I'll see you tomorrow night.

Okay.

Oh, by the way, is it formal?

Oh, Erik, whatever you wear will be just fine.

You wouldn't happen to have your oldCHiPs

Oh, no, that would be a push. That would be a push.

Adios.

Hasta spumante,

Oh, is hecaliente

Oh, thanks, you guys.

You're wonderful. I love you.

I've gotta go call Val.

[PHONE BEEPS]

Hold onto your hat, Miss Fine.

I've decided I will escort you to your reunion.

Val, sit!

You are not going to believe

who's taking me to the reunion.

Judy Silverman will die.

Well, she may be a little impressed.

Well, he's gorgeous, he's foreign,

and he's got a head of hair

that you can lose a hand in.

Well...

I'm going with Erik Estrada!

Who?

No, Val, this is not like the time

I said I was going out with Jan-Michael Vincent.

Bye.

Oh, hi, Mr. Sheffield.

I see you're wearing your green tweed jacket.

Yes. Why?

Oh, just makes you look a little...

tubby.

[HUMMING]

Ooh, Niles, what's the occasion?

It's for you.

Congratulations on quitting smoking.

Oh, Niles, you know, when you quit smoking,

you have to be careful not to gain weight.

Oh, really?

Last time I quit, I gained 25 pounds.

[DING]

Eclairs are ready.

Oh, only six more hours to Erik Estrada.

Mr. Sheffield wants to see you.

Oh, well, that can only mean one thing,

take the back stairs.

Miss Fine.

What, have you got me LoJacked?

We have a problem.

Why do you always go straight to me?

Niles could have done it.

Yep, Niles is no angel.

Brighton's English teacher faxed this over.

The assignment was to write from personal experience.

Read it.

"Isabel. How do I describe Isabel?

She was part woman, part little girl"?

"I felt her heaving bosom in my--"Oy.

Well, what are you looking at me for?

The only Isabel I know is Sanford.

And if Brighton is fantasizing about Weezy,

this problem's bigger than both of us.

I have to get back to work.

See this is rewritten by Monday, would you, Miss Fine?

Oh, but I don't feel like doing homework on the weekend.

Yoo-hoo, Miss Babcock.

Tea time.

[CHiPs PLAYING ON TV]

Does this Ponch character do anything on this show

but ride a motorcycle?

Well, there does seem to be a crime wave

involving big-busted women in halter tops

driving Corvettes.

This is absurd.

There are more close-ups of his rear end

than of his partner's face.

That's the way I would've directed it.

[CHEWING, TAPPING ]

Stop it, C.C., you've been driving me crazy all week!

Now, smoke!

Maxwell!

I am wearing the patch.

If I light a cigarette right now,

my heart will stop.

Oh, I can't even breathe.

I can't believe this.

My hair came out too big.

My dress is too small.

Really? I think it's a little subdued.

No.

I'd go up another inch or two.

[MOTORCYCLE REVS]

Oh, Dad, you should see his Harley.

It's so cool.

It's like the beginning ofThe Wild One.

What are they so excited about?

I rode a motorcycle too. Remember? At Eaton?

I believe that was a moped, sir.

With a grocery basket on the front.

Well, it was bloody good on the curves.

Wow, Fran.

Hi, Erik.

You look great.

[GIGGLES]

That dress is almost as tight as myCHiPs

[GIGGLES]

Buenos

I'd like you to meet my mother,

from Frito-Lay.

And this is my boss,

Maxwell Sheffield, the big, famous producer.

Miss Fine, I'm sure he knows who I am.

No.

What TV shows have you done?

Well, none. I produce theater.

So how'd you get the house?

You know, mosquitoes aren't so bad.

Taste like chicken.

WOMEN: Hi, Fran!

Attention, all campers, look who I've got.

[SCREAMING AND CLAMORING]

Fran, it's really Erik Estrada.

I'm dying.

[CAMERA CLICKS]

You look gorgeous.

Oh, thanks.

Take off the helmet. - No.

Fran, you can't wear a helmet all night.

Why? Madonna wears two traffic cones

strapped to her chest.

Fran...

Oh, all right.

Did I deflate?

I gotta see.

Oh!

Well, Fran...

seems your friends got a big kick out of this,

but I gotta split.

It was great meeting you, though.

W-wait a minute. Where are you going?

Judy Silverman hasn't even shown up yet.

I'm taking my wife and kids toBeauty and the Beast.

Didn't they tell you?

I never met your wife and kids.

I meant my manager.

You know, this was all publicity.

Oh, right. Of course.

Uh, well, it was nice meeting you,

and thank you for coming, and enjoy the show.

Bye-bye.

Adios.

I like the blond guy better!

Come on, Val, let's get out of here

before that stupid Judy

Silverman--

Hi!

Fran!

Judy!

[BOTH GIGGLE]

So you here alone?

Me, alone? Yeah, right.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Uh-huh.

Wait right here. You gotta meet my fiancé.

Great! I won't budge.

Let's get the hell out of here.

All right. Don't run off, now.

I wanna meet your guy too.

Oh, Val, here's a 20. Give it to the janitor.

Tell him to run a comb through his hair.

Too late. Here they come.

Oh.

This is Fran.

Hi. Hi.

Nice to meet you.

So where's your guy?

My guy?

My guy.

We're talkin' 'bout my guy.

Well, to tell you the truth, Judy--

Hello, darling. - Huh?

You're

Well, I'm not sure that "date"

would be the right word.

We've been living together for what?

Over a year now.

[LAUGHS]

Yeah, did you remember to turn the alarm on, honey.

The mansion next to ours was robbed.

It was so scary.

Well, this is Blake Glickman, my fiancé.

We're very much in love.

Well, pleased to meet you. Maxwell Sheffield. How do you do--

Maxwell Sheffield?

I was in one of your revivals.

♪ Seventy-six trombones Led the big parade ♪

♪ With a 110 ♪ Coronets close at hand ♪

That's where I met Kent.

That's the last time I feed your cat

when you're on the road.

Boy, are their kids gonna be good-lookin'.

["TWO DIFFERENT WORLDS" PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]

Miss Fine, what about a little turn around the dance floor?

Oh, I thought you'd never ask.

Fran?

Val, I'll dance with you later. I promise.

Mr. Sheffield,

what are you doing here?

Well, just after you left,

Mr. Estrada's publicist called

to confirm dinner reservations for after the show.

So I thought maybe you'd have some room

left on your dance card.

Oh, aren't you a doll.

♪ ...to change our destiny ♪

You look lovely tonight.

Even with the hair?

Oh, I like it. ♪ When will they learn ♪

You can actually see over your head.

♪ That a heart Doesn't draw a line? ♪

♪ Nothing matters ... ♪

Oh, Mr. Sheffield, I'll never forget

that you did this for me tonight.

Well, I know how much it meant to you.

♪ Two different worlds ♪

Mr. Sheffield, you are quite a little dancer there.

[GIGGLES] Everyone's staring at us.

What do you say we give them an eyeful, hm?

[GIGGLING] Okay.

♪ That our Two different worlds ♪

♪ Are one ♪

[FABRIC RIPS]

when they turned my room into a den.

Val, you're still livin' at home.

I know.

You'd think they'd wake me

so I could get off the pool table before they break.

Thank God they installed a wet bar.

At least you can shower.